phanscripts

[phanscripts]

Worst Day Ever.

I had a really bad day. - Yes i need to make my bed -

[begin transcription]

PHIL: Hi. So today’s not been a very good day so far. First of all I woke up crying, and I’m not just talking about little tears, I’m talking about [sobs]. And I wasn’t just remembering about the balloon from last time, I mean, it was serious tears.

[high pitched voice] But why were you crying, Phil?

[normal voice] Well, Phil, I was having a dream that I was working at a theme park operating the roller coasters, and there’s a guy called David that worked there and he had kind of funny eyes, like, “Hello, I’m David”, and people with funny eyes are usually alright, but he was a bit weird. Anyway, he put me in charge of working the roller coaster, and all these people got on the roller coaster and I was like “Oh my God, I don’t know what button to press!” But I felt like I really had to impress everyone at the theme park or I would lose my job. So I was like GREEN, RED, GREEN, GREEN, and then the roller coaster set off but no one’s harnesses came down? So then I killed everyone on the roller coaster. And I was like. “Oh God. I’m a murderer.”

So I started running through the theme park. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” And all these giant people dressed as animals tried chasing after me, y’know like, all the mascots. I don’t know why they’d be in charge of security but they were. And they tackled me to the ground, and then one of them said “Do you know the punishment for killing people on a roller coaster?” And I was like “No! What is it?” “We put a pencil into your eye.” I mean, seriously, what a messed up dream!

So I was lying there like “Please, please!” And then one of them just stabbed a pencil into my eye, and I actually died in my dream. [imitates angel] Everything went white and then I could just hear all this ringing in my ears, and I just kept thinking “Wow, I’m actually dead!” And then I just got really upset thinking about everyone I was leaving behind, and then I woke up crying. Awful!

So that was part one of my horrible day. So I got out of bed, still quite traumatized, like “I’m so tired,” and I always have to go straight into the kitchen, make myself a cup of coffee, and two slices of toast or I can’t function in the world. Don’t talk to me in the mornings, ‘cause I’m just like “GO AWAY I HATE YOU.” So I walked into my room like, “Lalala, this day is going to get so much better now” when AHHHHHHHHH.

The most pain I’ve ever been in. THIS evil little device- dun dun dun! -had gone ALL the way into my heel. I’m not talking, like, slightly into my foot, it was actually completely inside my foot. So I was like “Oh my God. OH my God this hurts.”

So naturally, the coffee had gone all over the floor. PWSSSH- a whole river of coffee was just running through the house, and I was hopping around still being the human pinboard, so I pulled it out. This big spurt of blood went like PSSHSHHH. PSSSSSHHHH. So thanks to that I’m in quite a lot of pain.

And then I had to leave to go to campus to meet my supervisor. I get halfway there, and I see an owl. Oh my God! An owl! You’re thinking, “His day must’ve got better! A beautiful owl! I’ve never seen an owl before-” No. It was dead. A dead owl, decomposing on the pavement. It wasn’t just slightly dead, it was completely just- auuuaaugh. It must’ve been like- I don’t even know. Some eagle must’ve been flying around with a dead owl in its mouth for four weeks and then just dropped it on the pavement in front of me, because my God. That is not how I wanted to meet an owl for the first time.

So yeah, that’s all I have to say really.

[end transcription]

[phanscripts]

Phil the Viking

On the Faintheart set This is old but i wasn't allowed to upload it untill now! =D http://www.myspace.com/faintheartthem... and check it out on IMDB You can see Jessica Stevenson / Hynes if you look closely at the end ---- P.S - Check out the woman at 2:35 trying to get some fame in my diary! haha

[begin transcription]

PHIL: Grr! I’m all- I’m in the dressing room, which is a mess, as there’s four of us staying here. Uhm...we’re just waiting around a bit. Gonna go to Bassville soon. Got my sword somewhere to show you, um. Actually where is- have you seen my sword?

Found my dagger. Grr. Looking quite fierce with this. Um, today we’re just doing some fight scenes. Uh, it’s quite complicated. We’ve got actual real Viking reeanactors who are gonna come in and battle with us. They’re very enthusiastic. They take the whole thing very seriously.

[laughter and talking]

Umm...this is what outside looks like. Just a load of trailers. This is Joseph. How’s it going, Joseph?

JOSEPH: Okay, I’m hopefully gonna get to do my stuff today.

PHIL: Yeah, they let you stay an extra night, didn’t they?

JOSEPH: Yeah, they did,

PHIL: Yeah-

JOSEPH: They did, so...bit behind schedule. Um. Which can often be the case.

PHIL: Yeah. And this is my counterpart Callum.

CALLUM: [laughs]

PHIL: How’s it going today, Callum?

CALLUM: It’s going well, 

PHIL: Yeah?

CALLUM: I’m really enjoying it.

PHIL: Looking forward to battling?

CALLUM: No.

PHIL: No, not at all? This is Rasmus.

RASMUS: Hello, and I’m very cold.

PHIL: Yeah, as we can see. Can we see your six pack?

RASMUS: Yeah.

PHIL: Looking good.

RASMUS: Thanks. Hot stuff.

PHIL: Yeah. This is Chris, who has seen better days.

CHRIS: [laughs]

PHIL: What were you doing last night, Chris?

CHRIS: Uh. Playing some chess.

PHIL: Oh yeah. Playing some chess in a sea of alcohol, you mean.

RASMUS: Checkmate, let me just say that.

PHIL: And I’ve just found Steve as well. How’s it going, Steve?

STEVE: I’m alright, Phil. Um, I’m a bit tired, after last night.

PHIL: Why are you tired after last night, eh?

STEVE: Uh, cause I didn’t go to bed until one o’ clock.

PHIL: Ah, all right.

STEVE: I had a few beverages.

PHIL: And what were you doing yesterday? You do any fighting?

STEVE: Yeah,uh, well, I had a big stick with a head on it and I managed to get stabbed by one of my own side.

PHIL: Aw, that’s unfortunate.

I haven’t wanted to do it yet, but this is what I’ve got to wear on my head. I don’t know why, I think the production team hate me.

OFFSCREEN: Put it on!

PHIL: Yeah-

OFFSCREEN: Whoooo!

[clapping]

PHIL: Looking good. And I’ve also got some hair braids. I think that’s actually somebody else’s hair that’s been stuck into mine. So-

RASMUS: Why- why- why did I- [laughs] Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrrrr!

PHIL: [laughing] Thanks for that, Rasmus.

Okay, so, we’re on set, and here’s George! What’s your job, George?

GEORGE: I stick a camera in people’s faces.

PHIL: How does it feel?

GEORGE: Very good, actually.

PHIL: [laughing] You’re enjoying it? There’s your famous camera.

GEORGE: Very much so.

PHIL: Do you wish you were fighting today like me?

GEORGE: I do.

PHIL: You do.

GEORGE: Definitely.

PHIL: Give me a Viking roar? No?

GEORGE: Raaaahr!

PHIL: [laughs]

[whispering] We’re just on set, at the castle. Recording a scene.

[end transcription]

[phanscripts]

Tape 6

Tape#6. --- Calumrb22: it's cloverfield with better actors xD ---

[begin transcription]

PHIL: Hey! So we’re having a party for Jack. I’m designated cameraman, I don’t really know why. Um, I don’t know why they’d give me that job. But, okay, it’s gonna be a good-

[static]

Oh look, it’s working. Oh, uh- yeah? Yeah? Okay! And we’ve got a Twister beach towel. Only Tim’s party could have a Twister beach towel, yeah. Uh-

[static]

[deep voice] I don’t think I want to play this game any-

[static]

[normal voice] We’re gonna position the camera up here so that when Sam walks in we’re all gonna jump out like, surprise! It’s gonna be awesome, as the Americans would say.

[static]

[sobbing] 

[static]

I’m feeling quite British, you know. Heh. Just kidding. Right. So, the camera is going here, we’re all going to jump out, I wish I could- I can’t get it to stay! I can’t get it to stay. Oh! There. Oh...no... [whispering] It’s gonna be so good when he arrives.

[static]

[growling]

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! 

Thanks!

No problem!

[growls]

[static]

No, no, no! [crying] 

I brought you a present!

Thank you!

It’s got instructions.

Instructions?

Instructions.

[deep voice] Opening this box marks the beginning of the end. If you open this box, the entire world will be destroyed.

[normal voice] That’s a lot of responsibility.

Open it!

No.

Open it!

No, no, I can’t, I can’t.

Open it! Open it!

No. No.

[deep voice] Open it. Open it. Open it. Open it. Open it. No. Open it. No. Open it. No. [roars]

[normal voice] How cool is that? Anyway. I think he’s coming so I’m gonna hide it now. So shh! Be quiet! Bye!

[static]

[end transcription]

[phanscripts]

Jack - A story from the past

A sound file from 3 years ago. !?! I just found this sound file on my PC, I recorded it when i was 16 when I was testing my microphone (which sucked) So i decided to draw some pictures to accompany it. All i did was make up a random story, no planning, * ?! Also seems there is a weird severed hand theme linking to Pj's vid slightly! (P.s. This is the worst video ever =D )

[begin transcription]

PHIL: One day there was a boy named Jack. Jack thought he was an ordinary boy.

PHIL (as Jack): I’m just an ordinary boy, Phil.

PHIL: But unfortunately, he wasn’t. Poor Jack had 84 arms. People laughed at him. They asked him to carry things. They tried to shake all his hands at once in a big cloud of hands. He got very depressed and threw himself off a mountain. All of his hands were severed and he became known as the octopus boy, kept forever in a huge glass jar in Alfie’s house of freaks.

PHIL (as Jack): Aaaaa!

[end transcription]

[phanscripts]

Sprite Advert

Weird sprite advert made by Phil and Anja

[begin transcription]

ANJA & PHIL: Everybody loves Sprite!

PHIL: Catch the Sprite, Sally! [throws the Sprite at Sally}

ANJA (as Sally): [catches the sprite, laughs] Now you catch it, David!

PHIL: [laughs]

ANJA: Cycling with Sprite!

PHIL: Put Sprite in your suitcase!

ANJA: Or feed it to your frog. Run away from your Sprite. Play hide and seek with your Sprite.

PHIL: Play pool with your Sprite.

ANJA: Time to go back on your shelf, Sprite.

[end transcription]

[phanscripts]

Blue Hair

I play with more camera settings 

[begin transcription]

Are you ready to almost fall over in amazement? Hang on.

Okay. So this is regular Phil, with a tired face, and dark hair. And then- prepare yourselves for this. [switches camera setting.] Wow. I’ve got blue hair! It actually looks quite cool. Heh. Yeah. Anyway, so that’s me with blue hair.

I don’t have blue eyebrows. Just blue hair. Unusual. Oh, and I’ll also show you me looking like a raccoon, just before I go. Say goodbye to the blue hair. [hums]

[switchws camera setting] Squeee...grrrrrr. How scary is that? I might just stare at you for ages. GrrrrRRRHRR! Grrr. Neeeeeeeee...

Anyway, I’m so tired I think I’m going insane. I’m gonna go to bed now. It’s only, ooh, seven minutes to about two. Yawn!

If I wake up after having a crazy dream, I might turn the camera on and tell you about it at four in the morning, how about that? Goodnight.

[end transcription]

[phanscripts]

Jonathon and Mary Beth Argue

Jonathon is drinking when he really shouldn't be. There are harsh consequences

[begin transcription]

MARY BETH: Jonathon! You know you shouldn’t be drinking that!

PHIL (as Jonathon): It’s Christmas day! I’ll drink what I like! [holds up Sprite can]

MARY BETH: But you know what happens when you drink it, Jonathon!

PHIL: Oh, shut up, Mary Beth! [drinks]

MARY BETH: Jonathon, no!

[the camera pans down to the floor. There is a bearlike stuffed animal in Jonathon’s place. Mary Beth gasps.]

[end transcription]

[phanscripts]

Phil’s Video Blog - 27th March 2006

I got bored, decided to do a video blog instead of a written blog for a change!!

[begin transcription]

PHIL: Hi, I’m Phil. Welcome to my video blog, which I hope you’re very excited to be a part of.

Happy mother’s day, for one. I got my mum this for mother’s day [holds up a small stuffed animal monkey in a cage], it’s a monkey trapped in a cage! Hey! [in a high pitched voice] Help me, help me! [normal voice] Huh. Anyway, it’s funny, the barcode was in the cage when I was buying it, and the guy couldn’t scan it, he was like “Ahhhhh!” [imitates someone holding a scanner] with the scanner, which was funny.

Uhm, today, what have I been doing today? I’ve been doing my exam, which has been the most boring thing ever. Uh, I’ll read you a question, just to show you how terrible it is. Eh...[holding up paper] ”Provide an auto-graphic and an allophonic [?] transcription of the word/phrase in which the phenomena occurs in regressive place assimilation and and regressive voicing assimilation.” Excitement!

Anyway, er..oh! Today the clocks went forward, which was annoying, because I woke up at eleven thinking “Yes! It’s not twelve, I’ve got a whole hour of morning ahead of me.”, come downstairs, it’s twelve o’ clock. So annoying. Uh, but then I found [holds up a ten pound note] ten pounds in my washed jeans! Been through the was, [sniffs] smells very fresh, but it still works, so that’s good.

Er, what else can I talk about? I’m going to California in four days, which is exciting, I’m really excited about that. We’re going to Las Vegas so I can go on the slot machines-or can I go on the slot machines? I dunno how old you have to be to gamble, but I might go on the slot machines.

Er, I’ve got a holiday hat somewhere [looking around] ...I cannot see it anywhere, actually. Aw, that’s annoying, I was gonna show you my hat. Oh well. Erm. There’s a hat. It’s exciting. Er, here’s a lion instead. [holds up small toy lion]. RAAAWR. And a pig. [hold up small toy pig]. MEEEE. [laughs]. Pigs don’t make that sound, do they? No. OINK. See, Victoria, he’s still alive. Yay! That was from my friend Victoria. I like this pig. Um...Oh, I’ve been talking for ages. I don’t really have anything else to say anyway. So, have a good Easter, if I don’t talk to you again, even though you’re not really talking to me, but. Never mind. See you later!

[end transcription]