pheonixashstillburns

[pheonixashstillburns]

The heart, a fragile timid thing, yet possesses the strength to go through horrifying endeavors. Your heart is what lets you know you're alive. Not the physicality, but the emotionality.

The feeling of awed love while staring at a parent. The ache of being left out. The jumping of excitement in adventure. The burning knumb of 1st heartbreak. The tumultuous balling over everything jumbling together to never seperate.

It's never right or wrong. Misplaced sometimes yes, but one should always hold those to them and understand what made that so.

Ones heart can be as though it's a dandelion. No matter the adversity it will persevere. While another could have an orchid, needing deep cultivation to flourish.

I find my heart a lilac. While it seems to just be a plain bush most seasons, there are times where it blooms radiantly.

But my deeper heart, has become sand. The sinking feeling of desperation that only seems to suck one further down. No flower can grow there. No life can be held or sustained. Just withering when life tries to interact with it.

Shakingly cupping the sand within my hands. I must not let it slip through my fingers or I shall truly be lost. I just cleaned my grasped hands until my fury and anger has made the sand into glass. Harsh, jagged, clear on intent.

My self war will not end. The heart does not end until we sleep forever. You must win the fight, even if you have to annihilate your own heart.

[pheonixashstillburns]

It's it okay to be happy? Can I be happy?? So I remember what actual happiness last felt like? Not the happiness one feels over their child's accomplishments and watching them grow. Or the happiness of others. But self happiness.

When was the last time I felt that, I can't remember. But I know I want that. I've been searching, fruitless in my journey to find it. Wanting to find it within myself, wanting someone to help me find it.

Many faults are within me. Many imperfections. I'm a strangler fig looking for someone strong enough to withstand me.

Someone that will engulf me as I engulf them. To help burn the forst in me down so that new untouch life may grow from the ashes.

Someone to burn with.

[pheonixashstillburns]

At what moment did you come back to yourself. Realize that you had been a shadow of what you were just slowly wandering along.

That while you hate the days less and less as they pass, you feel less and less as they pass.

You noticed that the sucking sensation from where your heart had been ripped out as eased. It no longer pulsates with every breath and fiber of your being.

You may not have noticed the day passing but you were able to release yourself from the burning sensation on your skin upon your soul. As there a soft balm had been pressed against the would.

May this balm slowly heal. May you find peace within yourself. May you be strong enough to make it through the burning and rise from your ashes.

[pheonixashstillburns]

Why is it that, when you feel as though you've been hollowed out l, something comes along and proves there is more that can be dug out. Almost as thought at thos point its just a constant searing sensation in your chest and a little bit more of you is gone.

A slow disintegration if self. Everything you've loved brings you no joy. You're being aches from waking and moving from bed.

They can see it in your eyes and disjointed movements, how difficult it is, how much effort it takes to go through the movements. To stay cognitive of everything around me and do for them what they need. What they deserve.

Where you can lose reality for 5 minutes or even 5 days, it's hard to keep things hidden. In the shadows. As long as they don't fully notice. As long as they don't watch me burning.....

[pheonixashstillburns]

I've lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore. Every day is a struggle. To wake, to breathe, to take a single step forward, to live for myself, and to live for others at the same time. For others who rely on and need me.

Trying to stay in reality as my mind forces me to escape when something is to troublesome. Even the most innocuous things become the biggest obstacles.

But this is life. My life. The despising of oneself, the misery of my station, the inexplicable need to escape.

The fight within, my demons trying to tear each other and myself apart. Wreaking havoc in those around me unintentionally.

I'm afraid I don't deserve them. They're pure souls, innocent and good. Deserving of happines, I feel I can't bring them.

Could they be better off without me? Maybe, but they're mine. I'll never release them from my hold. I'll keep fighting this world for them. Even as we go down burning. As long as it's together.....

Burning together......

[pheonixashstillburns]

Breathing in, you open your mouth and speak words that echo in a hole room. You are not alone though. The words you've spoke go unheard to them.

Trapped in their own world of need, they are too lost to their own mind to look into yours . The empty companionship has long since stagnated.

You stand as you exhale the last hit, the smell of scortched herbs sinking into your clothes.

Walking home, you can feel rain in the air soon to arrive. You welcome it as an old friend.

You let it wash over you. Cleansing you. These temporary rains can only south so long when one is still burning.

[pheonixashstillburns]

Sometimes life is dreaming, and dreams are life. We get lost in the sensations and forget which is which.

Sometimes, you reach out to grasp a hand only for it to disappear. Seeing that familiar visage from the corner of your eye, but only an empty room surrounds you.

The familiar smell sometimes hits your nose, bringing forth memories you'd thought you'd suppressed.

The nothingness remains with you. Hollowed silence. The flames of regret eating your innards. Always still burning.

[pheonixashstillburns]

A hollowed out feeling in your chest, the lump in your throat. You try to get the right words to escape you mouth, but nothing comes out.

The only sound to pass your lips is a sharp cry of emotional turmoil. One you've desperately tried to keep inside. To keep anyone from hearing or seeing it.

But there are no words of comfort, nothing to soften the blow of reality. Just the inner voices screaming within.

You have to keep going even if it hurts. You have to get through another day.

You have to take every step, even if you're still burning.....

[pheonixashstillburns]

The effort to move weights down upon my chest. The air is as though poison. Desperate to wake up. Desperate to stay asleep.

The waking dream never ends. Confusing me for I do not know which is reality. Resting my cheek on my knees that are pulled to my chest.

Staring off as though I'm not truly seeing anything. It's all a blur. Unsure how to bring everything into focus. I am unable to bring my thoughts together.

Step by step, day by day, erased memory by erased memory. I'll still burn.

[pheonixashstillburns]

You tell yourself you'll take it step by step. Day by day. That you need to breathe.

Every step feels like flames licking at your feet. The days as though you're lost at sea and being overtaken. Your every breath is a struggle to intake.

Falling into the tall grass, you give yourself to nature. Trying again to release the day before. Telling yourself this is just a phase. Another trial to get through. The sweet grass wafting through your senses letting you release some of the tension.

You can do this. No matter what. Every step, still.... always..... burning.

[pheonixashstillburns]

Waking with the cold morning, when you first step into the chilled dew covered air. You take a breath, letting it wash over you, trying to let the day before be erased with the breaths from the past.

Stepping barefoot into the grass and with every step you tell yourself you can let it go. Let the past go. The memories go. The moments, go.

The breeze caresses your skin as dawn breaks over the countryside as you stare off. Gently brushing your cheek like an old lover.

Closing your eyes to that touch, shaking exhale, you can only open your eyes as you face another day.

Alone...... still burning.....

[pheonixashstillburns]

Sometimes I sit outside staring off watching the wind blow through the grass.

Wondering, how did I get here? How have I come this. How I watched my dreams slowly burn away into the night.

The acrid smell they leave behind reminding me they were there, but no longer. Going farther away with every exhale.

Forgetting that I'm still asleep. Unable to rip myself from these dreams I can faintly remember.

Unlike a pheonix that burns to ashes every night only to rise again in the morning. I'm still burning........