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pinkpessimist · 1 month

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Drunken confessions (kind of suck)

Leo valdez x reader, about 3.4K words, gn reader, tw- drinking/alcohol on part of the reader. Party time bitches.

Leo, like he was most days, was hunched over his desk in bunker nine. Tinkering with the new version of the demigod-safe cell phone, while the people he made it for were outside, probably training, laughing maybe. Hanging out without him. He sighed, pushing his chair back and running his hands through his hair, out of his face.

“Hey!”

Leo jumped, spinning around to face you, your voice cutting straight through the stagnant air and straight through him. How he didn’t hear you come in was a mystery. “Hey,” he said, confused smile on his lips. “What are you doing in here, you can’t be out of training yet, it’s still early.”

You hummed, coming up in front of him, and standing over him, arms crossed. “I’m not, I’m on a quick break,” you smiled, leaning down slightly closer to his face. “But Piper told me that you brushed her off earlier when she asked if you were coming to the party tonight.”

Leo winced. Right. The party. More than the regular Friday night affair in the Dionysus cabin, it was a big one. He wasn’t sure what they were celebrating, his best guess was a birthday, or a holiday he’d forgotten. “Yeah,” he said, sucking a breath in through the teeth of a pained smile. “I was gonna skip it.”

His smile faltered when he saw your face fall, and lips purse. You sighed, and hopped up to sit on his desk, to the side of his projects. “Why?” You whined, crossing your arms.

Leo turned around to face you, and tilted his head back and forth, side to side, and sighed. “Well, I got plenty to work on here,” he said lamely, gesturing at all the little parts sprawled out in front of him.

You huffed, not quite buying it, clearly. “Leo, you’ve been working non stop for like, days. You need a break,” you said, looking down at him sceptically.

He groaned. You weren’t wrong. When were you ever?“Parties aren’t really my thing,” he laughed, leaning his head back. “Believe it or not.”

You stifled a laugh, “Oh, I do believe it.”

He smirked, sitting up a moment. “What, you don’t think I can dance or something? I didn’t expect you to agree with me so fast, Y/n,” he teased, pointing up at you accusingly, “I’m hurt.”

You threw your hands up in surrender, “Hey, I call it like I see it,” you laughed. “But let it be known, I do think you could tear up a club, I think you could have moves.”

Leos eyes softened as he smiled. “Well, thanks for the vote of confidence, you flatter me,” he said, resting his head on his palm. He couldn’t help smile up at you dumbly. His workshop was never particularly bright, even with all the lights on. The lack of windows always kept it relatively dim, much to Leo’s distain. But you managed to sit in just the right spot, so that the light hit your face perfectly.

You smiled, and playfully flicked him on the forehead, and as usual he pretended to be annoyed. “Leo, it’ll be fun, a good way to get out of the bunker,” you raised your arms, gesturing around, eyes following your hands. “Dude, the air in here can’t be good for you. I feel like I’m getting asthma just breathing in here, there’s dust and metal crumbs everywhere.”

Leo grimaced. Once again, you weren’t wrong. He glanced around, and even in his desk there were leftover piles of metal shaving from past projects. And a few small puddles of probably oil from god knows what. Probably shouldn’t have that so close to the phones.

And you weren’t done. “And besides, it can’t be that bad if I’m there with you,” you said, smiling down at him. Leo could practically feel himself folding, despite everything. He sighed as you continued. “How about this,” you said, determined glint in your eyes. “I won’t leave your side, the whole night, okay?”

Yep. He was a goner. You held out your pinkie to him, promising that your words rung true. He sighed, giving in completely as he clasped fingers with you, and shook on it. “Alright, fine,” he relented. “When is it?”

You grinned, playfully hitting him in the shoulder. “That’s the spirit,” you said. “And besides, if it sucks, we can just ditch it and hangout… in the woods or something,” you shrugged. “It officially starts at like, eight, so we can get there like, nine maybe.”

He couldn’t help but smile, idly fidgeting with a few spare gears his hands seemed to find on their own. “Alright, you’ve convinced me,” he said. Not a lie. As much as he dreaded a big crowd when he wasn’t in the mood for it, you could probably make any night fun. But there was one downside to that. He decided not to think about it. Get there when he gets there.

You smiled, watching him tinker. “Okay, I’ll come by here later, before we go, yeah?”

”Yeah,” Leo nodded.

You hopped off the desk, and it suddenly felt much too big, far too spacious without you there. Like you were the key to make it seem right. You gently hit him in the shoulder on your way out. “Kay, I’ll be here then. In the meantime I got Pegasus duty,” you said, starting for the door.

He waved you out, and turned back to his desk when you shit the thick metal door behind you. His plan had been derailed, and he struggled to remember exactly what he was doing before. His eyes landed on a few small pieces, and remembers what part of the phone he was building. Right. Focusing.

…

Somehow, seemingly in a blink, you were back, and Leo couldn’t believe it had been five hours. Yeah, you might have a point about him losing track of time stuck in that bunker. Reluctantly, he let you drag him away from his work desk, folding as soon as you took his hand.

Leo cheered as you linked arms with one of the Stolls to down a shot with him, and laughed as you dragged him over to dance. And you kept your promise, he was dragged along through every misadventure you wanted to go on. Like always, he supposed.

And like always, you went a little hard. Harder than you should have, probably. And Leo didn’t particularly like to drink, so he was right there to help you when you were stumbling, and take you through the woods back to the bunker to crash on his couch.

You stumbled, but not only did Leo have fast reflexes, he was waiting, watching you carefully. He caught you, sighing as he threw your arm over his shoulders. “Come on,” he groaned, taking your weight.

”Thank you,” you chirped, leaning your head happily on his shoulder. “That was very nice of you.”

Leo grimaced, and looked at the ground away from you. Maybe if he did he’d have a better shot of maneuvering the two of you away from the rocks and twigs that could trip you.

“Leoooo,” you said, lightly shoving him.

His face fell, he couldn’t help it. He knew what was coming the moment you took your first drink.

“You’re pretty,” you smiled, nudging him with your elbow.

“Thanks,” Leo said flatly, keeping his eyes forward as he made his way to the bunker. His feet moved left, right, up and over the pebbles and the ferns, trying to get you there safe. He spared you one glance though, as much as he didn’t want to.

Yep. Bad move. You were smiling at him lovingly, the moonlight reflecting off your eyes. The sun had to be rising soon, right? Leo sighed, losing his stoic conviction. “You too,” he chuckled.

You grinned, letting out a quiet, “Yippee,” and what could Leo do. Nothing. But you weren’t done, never were. “I’m glad we’re best friends,” you said, entirely too sentimental when drunk.

“Me too,” he replied simply, arriving to the bunker. He fiddled with the door code, and then kicked it open so he could keep you up. He led you to the couch,“Alright, down you go,” he snickered, dropping you.

You sat down, and leaned back, dissolving into the cushions. “Don’t go back to work,” you said quietly, leaning your head to one side. Leo hadn’t even realized he was walking to his desk.

Leo smiled, turning around to face you. “Don’t worry, I won’t.” He scrounged around on the table until he found a few pieces of scrap metal, and then came back to sit on the opposite side of the couch.

“I think you work too much,” you huffed, leaning your back in the armrest.

Leo shrugged, “somebody has to make the demigod phones, and repair the swords.”

”It doesn’t have to be you.”

Leo leaned against the cushions, heaving a small sigh. When were you ever wrong? He curled his legs up in front of him as he nestled his face against the fabric. “You have a point,” he surrendered.

“That’s me,” you agreed, folding your arms. “Full of points.”

Leo chuckled, and a brief silence fell over the room. You were starting to close your eyes, and slump further into the couch, and he felt himself doing the same. With a sigh, he stood up, fighting through the tiredness in his bones, to get the light. When he came back, he leaned over the back to see you, his eyes adjusting to the dark. “I take it you want the couch?” He asked, brow raised.

You shifted a bit, half asleep already. “I can have half,” you said, pointing to the empty side. “Other sides for you, I don’t mind.”

He pursed his lips. Careful territory. “Okay,” he said, hopping the back of the sofa. He did his best to tuck his legs up, as to not encroach on your space. Your head seemed to be buried in the pillows, he smiled as he watched you sleepily maneuver your way out to breathe, and find a comfortable position. It appeared he was safe this time. He could relax.

”Leo, sometimes I think we should date.”

Or not. His eyes flew open to look at you, but you’d melted into the silhouette of the sofa. He sighed, cracking his back against the armrest. “You know, I don’t disagree with you, Y/n,” he said, hands rubbing the circled under his eyes.

He heard a faint gasp, “Really?”

He winced at how happy you sounded. You always did. “I’d honestly love to,” he relented, not bothering trying to look at you. “I’ve had a crush on you forever.”

Another gasp, and you were sitting up now, he could feel the cushions move beneath him. “You mean it?” You asked innocently, voice cutting straight through him.

He groaned, and sat up and opened his eyes. Your fake silhouette was much closer now, sitting on your knees. Maybe too close for comfort. Or not close enough. “I do.”

”Then we should date,” you asserted confidently.”

This was the part he dreaded the most. “Remind me tomorrow, then, and we can,” he said. Same as always. He silently scolded himself for indulging in this conversation. Or maybe for volunteering his bunker for you to stay.

He couldn’t see well in the dark, but your frown was clear as day. “But I might forget,” you pouted, scooting closer.

He sighed. Suppose there was no avoiding it. “Then I guess we won’t date,” he shrugged casually, a hint of malice creeping into his voice. He avoided your eyes that shone through the shadow, and the full familiar ache in his chest.

“How about you just remind me,” you suggested, raising your finger in the air with certainty like you’ve thought up an amazing plan.

Leo flinched. “No,” he snapped, sounding more mean then he meant. His face fell as you shrunk away, clearly confused and hurt. He sighed, cradling his face in his hands and letting out a far softer, “No.”

”W-why not?” You asked, recoiling into the cushions.

He couldn’t help shoot you a pained look, and sigh once again. What was the harm in telling? Changes are you wouldn’t remember anyway. “Because you only like me when you’re drunk, Y/n,” he conceded. “I swear, almost every time you drink you get like this.”

You stayed silent a moment, and blinked a few times. “I-“ you started, reaching a hand up towards him, but quickly restricting it. “That’s…” you couldn’t seem to find the words, needing another pause. “I liked you earlier, too… and yesterday.”

”Then why can you only say it now?” He spat, resting the back of his head on the armrest.

He could see the cogs of your brain turning, as your hand gripped the couch with force. “It’s hard, Leo,” you said rather pathetically. “You know that!”

Leo actually had it in him to laugh at you now. As if. “Yeah, sure,” he snickered. “You’d have trouble confessing to me,” he said, rolling his eyes. “That’s too hard to believe, I think my hypothesis seemed more likely.”

You scoffed, “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about,” you announced, punctuations yourself by standing assertively and pointing at him. It was seconds later that you started to wobble, your silhouette moving.

Leo groaned, getting up to catch you again, taking your arm to steady your balance. “Y/n, you’re miles out of my league, it’d be the easiest thing in the world for somebody like you to ask out somebody like me,” he said, trying to get you to sit down.

But you had some fight in you. Suppose that was typical, Leo thought. You pushed off him to point even harder, your finger getting alarmingly close to his face. “Don’t be mean to yourself!” You commanded, incredibly confident.

He tried to suppress a smile, but couldn’t. The corners of his lips tugged up as he sighed, clenching his jaw. “Okay, fine,” he said, gently moving your hand away from his head. “But my point still stands, I think your standards just get lower when you’re like this.”

You finally let him take your arms, and sit you down. “I think I have pretty high standards.”

He couldn’t help shake his head as he smiled, “yeah, sure.” When you were down on the couch, he threw the pillow from his side to you. You didn’t catch it, but you square in the face. After you shot him a look, you shoved it behind you to lean on, finally lying down on your side. Leo could make do without the extra cushion if it meant you’d finally give up.

”Leo, I think you should be nicer to yourself,” you said quietly.

Leo banged his head against the couch, lamenting that this conversation was still happening. He shook his head. “You might be right,” he said. “But just-“ he looked up at the ceiling, making out the vents and fans and pipes that lines it. “I can’t believe that you like me until you tell me when your sober.”

”I always mean too.”

He pursed his lips. As hard as he tried to stay casual, brush you off, he was losing. Hurting, even. Like every word you said was a weight on his heart. “Maybe I’ll ask you tomorrow then,” he sighed. “Then we can see for sure.”

You exhaled, like a sigh of relief, and seemed to melt. “That’s good,” you said.

He waited for more words, but they never came. You were finally out. He smiled slightly, burying his face into his hands. He’d survived, at least, the onslaught of your affections. Low chance you’d remember any of this tomorrow, he wasn’t held to his word. But he might keep it anyway, and ask you about this. The first time you drunkenly confessed, he brushed it off. The second time, recoiled in fear, and since have written it off as you getting a little silly. You’d probably laugh when he told you, and you could both make a joke of it until next time.

…

You were lucky the bunker was dim, because your head throbbed with every movement and shine of light that caught your eye. You groaned, doing your best to sit up. ‘Twas an arduous task indeed.

“You’re up?” Leo asked happily, sitting cross legged at his work desk.

You shoulder your eyes from the light, and looked over at him. “Dude,” you managed. “What time is it?”

Leo tapped a phone on his desk, and told you it was around one. Phone? You stood up, maybe too fast, because your head pounded harder, and you stumbled slightly. Ugh. The room was spinning in the entirely wrong direction. Or maybe any direction was bad, and rooms shouldn’t spin at all.

in a blink Leo was there, one arm out to catch you if you fell. “You alright?” He asked.

You nodded, talking seemed too hard in that moment. Smiling, you grabbed the hand he had outstretch to pull yourself up to stand straight, and started to his desk. “You finished the phone?” You asked, squinting down at it. It looked pretty done, but you had to ask. Just to be sure.

He came up beside you, tapping it again to show you the lockscreen. It was a photo from last night, Piper was on your shoulders trying chicken fight a tall cyclops. You cringed, sucking a breath in through your teeth. Unfortunately you remembered that one.

Leo snickered. “It’s basically done,” he said, picking it up, “First one can be yours.” He flipped it in his palm so it was facing you, and your jaw fell open slightly.

”For real?” You asked skeptically, taking it. The blue light was a little bright, you’d have to turn that down. “I think the first should be yours, you made them.”

”Yeah, but I made them mostly for you and the others,” he shrugged.

You pursed your lips, suppressing a smile. “Fine,” you conceded. He was entirely too sweet, wasn’t he? “But, you said, pointing at him. “Your number has to be the first one I add, alright,” you counter, brow raised.

He rolled his eyes, but you saw the smirk building on his lips. “Sure, fine,” he said, putting his hands up in surrender. He went back to his desk to retrieve another, and started tapping at it, and eventually came to you with a number, which you happily added.

When the headache dulled, and you felt like facing the world, you and Leo decided to go to the dining pavilion. It wasn’t exactly a meal time, but the gods and canon magic should make an exception for you, Dionysus would probably approve of the night you had, anyway. When you grabbed a plate, there was food. Small victories.

“Oh my Gods, you were saying some shit last night,” Leo laughed, sliding into the seat next to you, “At one point you said you could beat Percy at surfing.”

You cringed. “Please tell me he won’t remember that,” you said, picking at toast with your head in your hands. “If he takes me up on that challenge I’m fucked.”

Leo laughed, shaking his head, “Doubt it.”

You smiled, and took a bite of breakfast. Definitely best not to remind Percy about that.

Then Leo pursed his lips a moment, staring intently at you while you ate. Your eyes narrowed and chewing slowed as you met his gaze. Before you could ask, he shook it off, physically even, shaking his head as he looked back at his phone on the table. “Yeah, you were on a roll last night,” he laughed. He started counting on fingers each silly thing you’d done. “There was the Percy thing, you tried to get matching tattoos with Piper,” he said, on the second finger. “You kept trying to go on the roof,” he snickered, and then paused, presumably to think. “Oh, and you tried to ask me out,” he laughed, putting up a fourth finger.

You practically choked, feeling your face get hot, probably blushing like mad if you had to guess. You glanced over at him, and his little lopsided grin, “I what?”

Part 2

Guys Leo is literally my husband. Idk what to tell you. Anyway I just think the idea of somebody constantly confessing while drunk and forgetting is is adorable.

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pinkpessimist · 1 month

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look, first of, thank you SO MUCH for that jason x apollo!reader??? i just- i melted. i blushed with WORDS ON A SCREEN. just…. yeah. so, uh, can i ask you hcs about leo and apollo!reader and she’s like super amazing with healing and he’s always getting hurt just so she can heal him? tysm! (live laugh love leo valdez)

⋆⭒˚.⋆ leo valdez x daughter of apollo! reader hcs

content: leo valdez x daughter of apollo! reader hcs warning: language, like a tiny ass allusion to sexual things but im hella reaching with this one author's note: live laugh love leo valdez is so real. new slogan. new motto. new manifestation. with how much i typically struggle with apollo kid reader ANYTHING this one actually was so fun and i genuinely enjoy it. so cute.

mr. 'constantly getting little nicks on his hands' and ms. 'ability to heal but you will get sass for being an idiot'

at first, leo truly was just being clumsy and will was constantly busy, which means you got the son of hephaestus

but then he started to fall in love with your lecturing and your laugh and you smile and the way your nose twitches while you heal and-

well, basically, he fell in love with allll of you

so then he started doing little things on purpose

nothing too crazy (except that one time he 'attempted' the rock climbing wall and got hit in the head with a rock. looking back, he does regret that one seeing as he got a concussion that you refused to heal)

mostly just paper cuts and bruises from nyssa throwing wrenches at him (he paid her once bc he hadn't seen you yet that day. he had the biggest wrench shaped welt on his back for WEEKS. he never offer that to her again.)

at some point, will stopped fill one of the beds in your section of the infirmary, knowing at some point leo would waltz in and fake a pout and present his injury and demand to be healed by you and you only

and you'd roll your eyes and scold the boy about that fact that he's supposed to avoid jason's sword, but you couldn't hide your beaming smile

something about being an apollo kid is that your smiles were kinda hard to hide

they were always just so bright and so distinctly love filled

especially when they were directed at the person you like

which sadly was leo, your clumsy and constant patient

also, i know he's playing up every injury and everything just to get you to laugh

"what is it this time, valdez?" you ask, jutting your hip out and glaring at him with a smile

"well, you see, i was just walking around the woods, doing my thing and looking super cool and hot and all that. and then, out of nowhere, this piece of paper just shot out and cut my poor precious hand. said some crazy things too, definitely racist. keep an eye for that paper. and, like, i need my hands to work, because how can i work if my hands are all mangled-

"you have a paper cut, leo-"

"some doctor you are, im clearly dying."

"get out."

"hey! you better not charge my insurance for this-"

"GET OUT! OR ILL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO GET HEAL!"

"OKAY OKAY IM GOING JEEZ"

so cute, stop why am i smiling???

shut up, it was a moment of weakness

and then, one day leo didn't come into the infirmary

you stood at the door, rapidly tapping your pen against your clipboard, watching as the clock ticked by

"what, no lover boy today?" will taunted as he walked past, smiling as you glared at him

"hey, next time you sneak nico in and have to hide him in the medical closet, tell him not to bump into the bandages," you threw back, instantly locking your eyes back to the clock as the tapping of your pen increased

"you're no fun," will hissed and walked away as his blush grew up his neck

"you still have to clock out even if he doesn't come!" will shouts over his shoulder as he continues to walk

"but-"

"no. clock out or ill give you a reason to stay, but this time on one of those beds."

"whatever," you muttered under your breath, frowning as the end of your shift came.

"WAIT WAIT IM HERE WAIT-" leo yelled as he came skidding into the infirmary. he was heaving and struggling to breath, slumping against the doorway

you couldn't help but smile at the sight of him, clearly having run the whole way from bunker nine here

and you fell just a tiny bit more in love

"cmon," you said, nodding your head towards the back of the infirmary before leading the way.

leo followed, desperately looking at his arms to see if he could find any tiny scratch to blame his visit on

naturally, there was nothing.

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shi-

"what's his problem? it better be something good, y/n, because you were supposed to clock out-"

"head injury. big ol' bonk on the head from that dragon of yours. right, leo?" you attempted to lie, looking over at leo for help

the daughter of truth was naturally a terrible liar and will could see right through her.

"yeah, yeah. he's fiesty sometimes. doesn't like oil changes," leo added, both him and y/n looking at will with pleading eyes to let them stay

"...five minutes and then i don't want to see either of you in here for the rest of the day," will replied, squinting at the both of them for a few seconds before taking his leave

"nice lie," leo mused and you beamed a smile at him as you sat down on the edge of his medical bed

"yeah?"

"no. i think i a blind person could see straight through that lie. but good effort."

"you just lost healing privileges for a week," you gasped out, slapping an arm against his shoulder with a shake of your head

"can i still visit?" leo questioned, a knowing smile on his lips. like he was plotting something. which left you hesitant to answer

"...i dont see why not."

"good. i couldn't got a week without seeing such a pretty girl."

"w-well, clearly i didn't need to lie. you must have a head injury," you quickly got out, taking his head into your hands and pretending to inspect it but it was really just to force his vision away from you face so you could blush in peace

"kiss it better?" leo offered as you pulled his head back to be level with yours

leo enjoyed the shuttered breath that left your lips more than he should have, enjoying the minor panic hidden behind your eyes

without another word, the two of you met in the middle

it was a gentle kiss, bordering on hesitant

your lips were just barely brushing each other until leo pushed a little further, solidifying it

you couldn't help but fight back, the kiss turning more fervent with every second that passed

it surely would have ended with clothes tossed everywhere had you too not been cut off by your dear brother

"TIMES UP. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY INFIRMARY!"

"YOU DON'T OWN THE PLACE!"

"THAT'S IT, GET BACK HERE, IM BREAKING EVERY BONE IN YOUR HAND AND ILL NAME THEM WHILE I DO IT, YOU LITTLE SHIT-"

"I NEED MY HANDS TO WORK- HEY, STOP, LET GO, NO NOT THE PINKY WAIT-"

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pinkpessimist · 2 months

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each one of the seven secretly thinks "i'm the most useless person on this ship. everyone is doing smth cool fighting stuff and all and i'm just here. like an idiot"

exept for annabeth

she always thinks she's the most competent person in the room and it's usually true

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pinkpessimist · 4 months

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His smile >>

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pinkpessimist · 10 months

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i can’t make everyone (or anyone) think or feel in the way that i do. i think this is my tragedy, because i understand them to an unreasonable amount but they’ll never understand me. i am condemned to a life of knowing but never being known.

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pinkpessimist · 1 year

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literally what is stopping me from stabbing myself

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pinkpessimist · 1 year

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marvel stop ITTTTTTTT. STOP making movies. like for real stoppppp

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pinkpessimist · 1 year

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I see her every day.

I see her every day and I think, “what a bitch!!”

I see her every day and I think about how she seems to have so many friends, but they probably all hate her. And she probably hates them all too.

I see her every day and think about how deep down I know that is not true.

I see her every day and I think about how much I hate her. About how I hate her face, and her hair, and her personality. I hate how rude she is, and how despite the fact that she’s an awful person, she has friends, and fun, and success.

I see her every day and I think about how much I’d love to be her.

I see her every day and watch her every move, and think about how much I long for that to be me.

I see her every. single. day.

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pinkpessimist · 1 year

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😳 <- this emoji but without the blush or romantic connotation. im not blushing im staring you directly in your fucking eyes

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pinkpessimist · 2 years

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I’m distant but it’s not cute or mysterious; I really want to be closer to people but it’s hard

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pinkpessimist · 2 years

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I need a fic that's basically this:

Eddie knows Robin has a crush on Nancy

Steve knows Nancy has a crush on Robin

Nancy knows Eddie has a crush on Steve

Robin knows Steve has a crush on Eddie

And they're all a bunch of dense idiots who complain about their friends being dense idiots, not realising they're also a dense idiot.

if someone writes this (or has a similar fic) I'm begging you to put the link in the comments it's for science

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pinkpessimist · 2 years

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i miss my dad so much.

#fathers day #dead dad club

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pinkpessimist · 2 years

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two weeks ago my cousin brought her two friends over to MY house to use MY pool, at 8:00 pm.

they're back today..

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pinkpessimist · 2 years

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Possible TW for Dissociation

Sometimes, it's difficult for me to remember that I am a real person. I exist. For the past ten months, I woke up, walked down the hall to take my vitamins, brush my teeth, make my bed, get dressed, do my makeup, open my blinds, grab my bag, say goodbye, and walk down the path to my bus stop. Slightly socialize with what are meant to be my favorite people as my music blasts in my ears, but I just can't stand to speak more than 4 NPC like sentences to them. And so that's all I do. I board the bus, sit there as my music continues to blast and gaze out the window, type randomly in my notes app as I walk in to the school. The whistle blows. I walk to class, enthusiastically yell "HI" to someone, sit down and do the bare minimum in class. Repeat for the next three classes. Go to lunch, sit silently as I eat (or not) and blast music into my ears. Return to my fourth period for the second half of it, but hide my AirPods behind my hair. Such a rebel. Take them out and go to the fifth period of the day, whatever it was that certain day. Do the bare minimum in performance and socializing alike. Go to my last class, do the same, and walk the same path to my bus, board and ride all while blasting the music from the same playlist into my ears. Get off, walk home. If someones home, say "I'm HOME!" and go to my room and throw down my bag. At some point in the school day, some random guy has probably flirted with me, to no success. Go back to the kitchen to get water and food, and then complete my homework (or not.) If the homework was completed it was done in the most bare minimum way. On Wednesdays, the only way this routine changes is that I get released from the sixth period early. I walk to and get in the car, eat whatever fast food is presented to me, and ride silently to therapy while YOU GUESSED IT!! Blasting music into my ears. Talk about small (or large) issues with my therapist, leave and do my homework at home. Towards the end of the year, it wasn't really doing the homework. It was just going on my phone or MacBook with no purpose. Procrastination. My sin. Do the homework at the last minute. Get yelled at. Always blasting the music. I am surprised I'm not deaf by now. Every single day was the same. It still is, however now that it's summer I put in a lot less effort than I did then. Now I only shower once or twice a week. Spend the day laying in bed, scrolling on my phone or MacBook with 0 purpose. Wasting my fucking life away. When your life is constantly the same like this, it is very common to forget that you are a real person. I exist. I know I exist, but I don't at the same time. I am existing, but for nothing. I am told by people a year younger than me, "I look up to you." Told by people all around me, "I love you." So why does it feel.. fake? Artificial? Everything feels so unreal. I feel unreal. This "love" means the world to me, but at the same time it means nothing. Everything means nothing and everything at the exact same time. Wow. Now I'm crying. I feel so SAD, and for no reason! But I just forget I am a real person, because everything feels so unreal and bland. Boring. Uncomfortable. I get told by people, "I like you." I get told this in so many contexts, and REAL people say that. REAL people say that to ME, so that proves that I'm REAL. People feel things about ME and ME specifically. But it does not feel that way at all. I feel as if I have no real purpose in anything or to anyone. "Your life is nice. There is nothing objectively wrong with you or your life, you have nothing to complain about. You are a pretty, not skinny, not fat, white woman. That is what people see you as. That is your shell. Your shell has privilege. As long as people don't know who you are on the inside, you will always have more privilege than the next person. You have it so good. So why are you constantly complaining!?" Those words come out of my brain. And to answer their questions, I have none. I don't have an answer.

I am a real person.

#why do i think like this #i am really tired #real.

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