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Agent Phil Coulson: Mr. Stark.

Tony Stark: Yeah?

Agent Phil Coulson: Agent Coulson.

Tony Stark: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the guy from the...

Agent Phil Coulson: Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division.

Tony Stark: Whew! God, you really need a new name for that.

Agent Phil Coulson: Yeah, I hear that a lot.

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Agent Phil Coulson: [via phone] Mr Stark, we need to talk.

Tony Stark: You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message.

Agent Phil Coulson: This is urgent.

Tony Stark: Then leave it urgently.

[Coulson enters Stark's penthouse, hanging up his cellphone]

Tony Stark: Security breach.

Tony Stark: [to Pepper] That's on you.

Agent Phil Coulson: Mr Stark.

Pepper Potts: Phil! Come in.

Tony Stark: "Phil?" Uh, his first name is "Agent."

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Agent Cale: [staring at The Destroyer] Is that one of Stark's?

Agent Coulson: I don't know. Guy never tells me anything.

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General Jack D. Ripper: Mandrake, do you realize that in addition to fluoridating water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk... ice cream. Ice cream, Mandrake, children's ice cream.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: [very nervous] Lord, Jack.

General Jack D. Ripper: You know when fluoridation first began?

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: I... no, no. I don't, Jack.

General Jack D. Ripper: Nineteen hundred and forty-six. 1946, Mandrake. How does that coincide with your post-war Commie conspiracy, huh? It's incredibly obvious, isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual. Certainly without any choice. That's the way your hard-core Commie works.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Uh, Jack, Jack, listen... tell me, tell me, Jack. When did you first... become... well, develop this theory?

General Jack D. Ripper: [somewhat embarassed] Well, I, uh... I... I... first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical act of love.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Hmm.

General Jack D. Ripper: Yes, a uh, a profound sense of fatigue... a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I... I was able to interpret these feelings correctly. Loss of essence.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Hmm.

General Jack D. Ripper: I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women uh... women sense my power and they seek the life essence. I, uh... I do not avoid women, Mandrake.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: No.

General Jack D. Ripper: But I... I do deny them my essence.

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I know you do. You left home. You left me all alone with our sick mother... And I was just a kid. You made me lie. Every time she screamed your name I told her you were coming to see her, like you promised. But you never did.

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Yeah, she was in great pain! Then we cut off her head, and drove a stake through her heart, and burned it, and then she found peace.

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Well. We, um - have something regretful to announce. This morning, the nineteenth book of Rubi Radr was found missin', from the temple. We don't want to - point fingers, and yet we kindly ask that whoever took it return it, to its original place. You can leave it in the temple, which will be left unguarded, unwatched. Nobody need to know, it was you.

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Happy Birthday Sam Raimi

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