poeticblogname - Tumblr blog

[poeticblogname]

DID YOU KNOW I RECENTLY HAD A BROTHER DIE, TOO?

the bear / phoebe waller-bridge / lilly dancyger / david byrne / dan pearce / suzy kassem / toni morrison / joseph fink / rabbi joseph telushkin / emily dickinson / richard siken / lone twin network / aanchal malhotra / frank ocean / gabrielle calvocoressi / maurice sendak

[poeticblogname]

i know that grief is love persevering. but i dont care. i still love her, im still grieving her.

[poeticblogname]

a little life update for you bestie

school is going well, i’ll graduate college in august as long as something crazy doesn’t happen. i celebrated my two year anniversary. i lost my insurance so i’m trying to figure that out :(. i’m back at my first job. i finally took your obituary out of my car, i think you’d be proud of that. i still miss you, i think about you all the time. i wish you could see who i will become. i wish i could see you would become. i love you and i wish you were here liv. i would give everything to have you back.

[poeticblogname]

i think one of the worst realizations i came to on my deconversion journey was that i (as an american) will never escape the legally-enforced influences of christianity.

it doesn’t matter that i’m not a christian anymore, i still can’t get my tubes tied without a man’s consent.

it doesn’t matter that i’m not a christian anymore, i still have to go to weeks of anti-abortion “counseling” before i’m allowed to receive an abortion (if i’m lucky).

it doesn’t matter that i’m not a christian anymore, i still could’ve been forced into an arranged marriage as a child in 46/50 US states if my parents set it up.

it doesn’t matter that i’m not a christian anymore, i can still be denied the ability to adopt due to my partner.

it doesn’t matter that i’m not a christian anymore, i never got the right to learn what i needed to in school about sexual health or consent.

it doesn’t matter if you’re a christian or not, you will always have to play by their rules. separation of church and state has never truly existed in this country. throughout history, the church has made the destruction of individual rights one of its key goals. let’s not pretend it’s magically stopped.

[poeticblogname]

On Love and Community

@princes-heels // ? // @inkskinned // mitski, my love mine all mine//@littlespoonsokka // @boymiffy // @2aminhouston // ? // @theviralwitch // @noodle // @criterioncollectiongirl // @fatsoupy // ? // @mjalti // george saunders, congratulations, by the way// @jb-blunk // @ponchopeligroso // @headspace-hotel // everything, everywhere, all at once(2022) //@cheruib // ? // ? // @tordenvejr

[poeticblogname]

[poeticblogname]

caught between a rock and a hard place (my hometown and the rest of the world)

idle town, conan gray / dead poets society (1989) / california, chappell roan / anne carson / unknown / ribs, lorde / paul revere, noah kahan / my tears ricochet, taylor swift / richard siken / little women (2019)

[poeticblogname]

cannibalism as a metaphor for love

in an article about cannibalism, and how a prion disease was ravaging communities, killing women and children:

"In many villages, when a person died, they would be cooked and consumed. It was an act of love and grief.

As one medical researcher described, 'If the body was buried it was eaten by worms; if it was placed on a platform it was eaten by maggots; the Fore believed it was much better that the body was eaten by people who loved the deceased than by worms and insects.'

Women removed the brain, mixed it with ferns, and cooked it in tubes of bamboo. They fire-roasted and ate everything except the gall bladder. It was primarily adult women who did so, says Lindenbaum, because their bodies were thought to be capable of housing and taming the dangerous spirit that would accompany a dead body.

'So, the women took on the role of consuming the dead body and giving it a safe place inside their own body — taming it, for a period of time, during this dangerous period of mortuary ceremonies,' says Lindenbaum.

But women would occasionally pass pieces of the feast to children. 'Snacks,' says Lindenbaum. 'They ate what their mothers gave them,' she says, until the boys hit a certain age and went off to live with the men. 'Then, they were told not to touch that stuff.'"

i think something about that is so morbidly beautiful, like they're saying, "I loved you. Yes, I believe your body houses a dangerous spirit, but I'll risk it all in order to show you this one last act of devotion and love. I will not leave you to the worms and maggots, for they do not know you. Instead, I will painstakingly break you down and ingest you, I will commit the biggest taboo, because you deserve to reside in the ones you love, not the pests of the earth."

[obligatory disclosure: yes this is fucked up and gross and morally wrong. I just think the idea is so loving.]

[poeticblogname]

Louisa May Alcott, from Good Wives

[poeticblogname]

[poeticblogname]

and evangelical! give me people running, yelling in tongues, passing out and shaking. give me a preacher who is encouraging the holy spirit to overtake the room. give me kids who know something is wrong, but “this is normal for us”.

Why are all the religious horror movies based on the catholic denomination? We need more protestant based horror. Give me backroads and church basements that look like the backrooms.

[poeticblogname]

i miss you. but you already know that

-on friendships in our youth

ladybird / fredrik backman / stand by me / dorthea- taylor swift / it chapter one / @peachpdf / mid90s / ocean vuong / ribs- lorde

[poeticblogname]

- on growing up

unknown/ @(star) on tiktok/ garden song-phoebe bridgers/ unknown/ never grow up- taylor swift/ @mazzystarjpg / unknown/ night changes- one direction/ @mothvhs

[poeticblogname]

i can never get past this. / like a pillar of salt watching everyone move on. /my stone cold eyes watch cities burn and cities born / yet i am still here, on for the rest of our days. / my arms embrace the cold body of times that have long passed. / i try to cry out for forgiveness, for just one more chance / one more chance and i won’t do it again, i swear. / please, just one more time, just one more dance. / and one thing that’s never been answered is my prayer. / hazy faces and sheet covered bodies circle whats left of me at night. /

an unfinished poem about not being able to move on, heavily inspired by Lot’s wife in the old testament

[poeticblogname]

it’s too late. it’s over! nothing you do can change it!! the fact will live forever but your regret doesn’t have to!!

[poeticblogname]

I saw that one post you had about religious OCD and I have never felt so seen in my life. Mine revolved around the thought that if i didn't do something right that I sold my soul to satan and that demons were on me trying to rip into my chest and take my soul away. I had to inhale extremely hard everytime to feel like I got my soul back. I just wanted to say thank you for that post and I hope you managed to get better from the suffering you've experienced. It sucks that no one in church ever talks about it because if someone even mentioned something similar to this I could have felt less alone. You have my support homie.

im so so glad that you resonated with what i wrote! there are so many people out there who have had similar things happen and dont know why the thought of demons (or other things) effected them SO much. it took me years to realize that it was my own disorder that made me feel that way/hurt me in that way. there are also many people out there who dont know how to talk about this because of stigma.

i was at a loss for words when i received this, this page is mainly for venting, but knowing that im 1. not alone in this and 2. helping others feel less alone is astounding. thank you so much for reaching out, i cant put my appreciation into words. i can say that i have gotten better, sometimes i still get scared and ive lost many things in the process of recovery (including my faith and closeness with my family) but i am better. you have my support and love anon. things will be easier one day, i promise :)

[poeticblogname]

sometimes i think i forgive god. how can i forgive something i don’t believe in? how can i be angry at something i don’t believe in?

all i know is that when i was screaming, bleeding, sobbing and begging for the pain to stop, or at least ease up, he wasn’t there. when i was praying for hours, he wasn’t there. when i was on the bathroom floor with blood on my skin he wasn’t there. when i begged him for a sign, he wasn’t there. when i spent hours and days begging god for a sign i would be okay that i would make it through this, he wasn’t there. the only sign i ever received was something telling “God doesn’t want you sweetheart, but you’ll be okay”.

that hurt more than not having a sign, but i’m grateful for it. it’s not silence or a lack of existence. it’s “He Doesn’t WANT You.” that has wrecked me for years.