#on loss

[cntctchmnw]

28th April 2024

I wish my longing could feel sweet and innocent. I read of people who love and miss and wait and I picture myself near a softly flowing body of water with an equally soft ache of want in my chest. I read of bittersweet reunions between the long-lost and how a single touch can reunite them both to themselves and to each other.

My longing is hostile and pugnacious; it feels like a blow to the chest, lacerations that litter the skin- it feels as if every vital organ has been moved or tampered with. My body cries out with the pain and discomfort of my heart migrating to my left ankle and my intestinal tract wrapping around my shoulders and neck. My skin doesn't feel right; something is tangibly wrong with my body, both inside and out. The longing has punctured and rearranged my body like a metal stick to prepare me for roasting. I sit and beg for the fire but it never comes. My body stands inert and alone until I can muster the strength to move everything back to where it belongs. The feelings of want, of longing, of yearning physically hurt- they leave me crying out in pain until I'm much too tired to writhe anymore. I sleep for 13 hours after but I always pray as my eyes close that I won't have to wake.

He told me last night that he can't give me what I want and I wailed the way I did 9 months ago when my ex left me without a word. I screamed out in pain at the feeling of merely wanting him and longing for him to turn around and hold me through it. I rocked back and forth hyperventilating and begged God to please, please kill me. Please kill me already, no human heart or body or soul can stand the feelings that such desires bring me. I daydream about missing him in a soft and palatable way. I dream of missing him tenderly while I tend to the rest of my life. I dream of leaving him now and watching over him like an angel for a few more years. My body is broken and I cannot love without wanting to kill myself and I cannot long without forceful submission to excruciating pain and never-ending impatience.

[myfakeplasticlove13]

I guess some things you can never leave behind, they don’t belong to the past. They belong to you :,)

[luthienne]

Andrew Garfield, in an interview with GQ

It's never-ending. The grief is never-ending. The love is never-ending. Like, Oh. That's the nature of love.

[a-study-in-bullshit]

[angelnumbers]

this was always going to happen.

matthew stover, david levithan, margarita karapanou, aeschylus, karese burrows, richard siken

[asoftepiloguemylove]

KNOW IT'S FOR THE BETTER // ON THE LONELINESS AFTER ABANDONMENT

S.A. Khanum "Rome Falls," Kingdoms in the Wild // boygenius Not Strong Enough // Fleurie Love and War // unknown // Sleeping At Last Mother // Catherynne M. Valente Deathless // @heavensghost // pinterest // Mitski I Don't Smoke

[spiderarchive]

[sweetmorninglamb]

et tu, brute?

1. david foster wallace, infinite jest 2. growrotten, a brief story about saying goodbye x 3. k. wright, judas 4. @demiiwhiffin x 5. @frenchtoastlesbian x 6. x 7. unknown 8. taylor swift, the archer 9. @demiiwhiffin x 10. x

[tamsoj]

The worst that can happen often happens in silence. It is not the explosion, but the aftermath, when you see through the smoke and ash, that you know how much you have lost.

Alice Hoffman, The Invisible Hour

[ashiqui]

THE POETS AND THE SINGERS AND THE AUTHORS WRITE ABOUT ROMANTIC LOVE WHEN IT ENDS. BUT NOBODY TELLS YOU HOW TO GET OVER A FRIEND. (x)

oscar wilde / antoine de saint-exupéry, the little prince / the social network (2010), dir. david fincher / @jspark3000 (x) / ocean vuong, thanksgiving 2006 / stephen king, the body / house of the dragon, 1x04 / @s4pphoiduser (x) / the fray, how to save a life / radiohead, life in a glasshouse / succession, 1x08 / @ritikajyala (x) / richard siken, the worm king’s lullaby / hozier (x) / hannibal, 3x04 / fredrik backman, us against you / maggie nelson, bluets

[chaoscroissant]

I WILL NEVER GET OVER THE LOSS OF YOU

[oyster-valley]

nikita gill, a question that bleeds // noah kahan, stick season / simone de beauvoir, letters to sartre // ocean vuong, on earth we're briefly gorgeous // la la land // clementine von radics, in a dream you saw a way to survive // unattributed

[myfakeplasticlove13]

You know I didn’t want to, have to haunt you, but what a ghostly scene

[luthienne]

claire schwartz, from poetry rx as featured in the paris review

[company]

Bjork And Ocean Vuong In conversation for Another Magazine

[girlfictions]

Dorothea Lasky, from Rome