polenbee

[polenbee]

i'm working towards being like this, I don't have a problem focusing on my current goals and achieving them but my mind is still constantly worrying and/or dreaming about the future, I guess that's my anxiety speaking.

Rest assured, even though I’m anchored to the present, I haven’t lost sight of my future! What I do is take my yearly and quarterly goals and make them into daily actions that become habits which form my identity so to speak. This way, I’m not constantly thinking about my ambitious goals, thus torturing myself over them, but rather living out my days and nights as the Dream Girl, Goddess Woman I know myself to be.

[polenbee]

Acrylic paint 🎨

💫🌟🌸 a cozy stargazing session

[polenbee]

but how does it work, i do expect great, amazing, wonderful things, i expect and aldo plan everything and they are actually working and going their way but oh god is it really supposed to take that long? like YEARS long for simple things? I hope that when they do happen that they all come together, that would be nice.

“She quietly expected great things to happen to her, and no doubt that’s one of the reasons why they did.” - Zelda Fitzgerald

[polenbee]

Dear Diary,

It's this time of the month again, the time where I'm feeling extremely stressed out, overwhelmed by the world, and tired of everything, so I come here to lay it out on you, to leave my feelings and worries somewhere safe, where I can relax a little and just leave them be.

I'm very stressed right now because there's A LOT happening and life is changing, it's fast but also not fast enough if that makes sense? I kinda wish I could already be there in the future, and I don't think I'm gonna miss this present a lot, I miss my past present more, my home, my family, I can't wait to get out of here.

Uni is also stressing me out as usual, but also kinda less then usual, I still have work to do but they're easier than usual and I have my thesis to make, but it was shortened because of covid which is good, and I have a bunch of classes to watch, and other extra work to do. And besides that I still gotta make some money, because I'm getting married, and I'm gonna move out of the country, and these are things that I am very excited about and I am happy to be expending money on, I just don't have enough to be expending on.

I also have a lot of documents to prepare before moving, things to apostilate and translate and remake documents and making sure all of the things I may ever need are prepared, because it will be a pain in the ass if they're not. It's just way to much stuff to worry.

On top of that getting married is a dream but a nightmare if you're not rich, and everything costs a lot of money and I'm already tired just thinking about how much I'm gonna be spending on this when this could all be redirected to the moving spenses.

Anyway, I don't feel lighter as I expected to feel, I don't really know how exactly I expected to feel to be honest. I'm very tired I wish I could sleep better but it feels like I could sleep for an entire month and I would still wake up tired, I need some real rest like a beach day, a day in the pool, but a day without my boyfriend's annoying family getting in the way of every single thing all the time, that would be nice.

[polenbee]

[polenbee]

dear diary,

i wonder if there’s people who secretly hate me like i do secretely hate some people, not hate as in “i hate Hate you” but as in “i don’t like the things you post on social media and i disapprove some parts of your personality”. or sometimes i just hate parts of who they are, but I secretly wish I was more like those parts of them and it feels weird to admit it in text, to actually say it out loud.

[polenbee]

29 of april, 2021

dear diary, life is hard but I am trying my best, doing my school work, studying again, listening to music more, trying to not spend money, exercising frequently and eating good.

I injured my right hand recently and this brought me a lot of focus on the important things, I miss drawing, but I think that's gonna have to wait for a little while, meanwhile I'm studying a lot, everyday, mostly things I didn't want to study, like philosophy and reading enough to be able to write an article on art residency, but it's also kinda fun too. It's been a while since I last learned something new and out of the main things I usually study like that, and I won't admit it out loud but I did kinda miss it, it brings a lot of new perspectives in life, new possibilites and just new thoughts in general.

Anyway, there's not a lot that I wanna say today I just hope my hand gets better soon, and that I can do a great job at school this semester, or at least an ok-enough job lmao.

[polenbee]

[polenbee]

everything goes wrong once again

i wonder when things are gonna start to fall into place, is it because of karma that things are not going my way once again? do I somehow deserve this for not being better, for not doing more or for still keeping some grudges against certain people? Not that they have anything to do with this situation but anyway that’s how karma works right.

I just wish I was lucky enough for these things to fall into place soon somehow. I’ve been anxiously expecting this for more than one year or two just for it to crumble back down, and even though I know in the grand scheme of things this won’t matter that much, right now it really does. It’s like another year lost of my life to not being able to make big things to change things up idk it just feels horrible I hate it here. 

And also how am I gonna be able to make it if I can’t be where I am forever, and I just keep wishing for things that never come and maybe I’m naive thinking other things may work out in the future too.

[polenbee]

Dear diary i’ve been very fond of ballet recently, i’ve always had a taste for it when I was on my pre-teens, even though I'm was the only one of 3 daughters in my family who didn’t had ballet classes because I thought they were boring. I do regret it a little bit nowadays but I’m fine because despite that I’m also the only one in my family who has the splits, I got it last year, more specifically in august, and I’m still working towards making it better since I almost lost it in the past two months when I had back pain and stopped working out.

I’m also working on my middle splits and other movements(?), I don’t really have a reason as to why am I trying to get these as I’m no dancer in any shape or form, I actually suck at it. But it’s been a personal goal since I was 12 and I finally had the courage to work towards it in my 20′s, now i’m 21 and I do believe I can still get better and more flexible it will just take a while. 

I know I won’t be a ballerina, nor do I want to because I have other goals in mind, but I still can enjoy and learn a lot with them.

dance shoes worn by marie taglioni, 1829. (coll. taglioni, nmi, den haag) .

[polenbee]

[polenbee]

dear diary i feel lost, i feel like i’m still stuck in the same path i was when i was only 15, that was 6 years ago. There’s so much I wish I had done and never did, so many plans I couldn’t make through, and I just feel very very lost, because I used to have the will to make these things, I used to plan and prepare and think of it as something that was gonna come and what would I do if it did come, but it never did. And now I just don’t know how to do because a part of me has given up on most of these things, and I feel tired as if even if it did come I wouldnt want to make them, I wonder is there is something wrong with me? 

I still have dreams but I feel like I’m not cappable of achieving them. Is there something I can do to bring those good feelings back? I don’t enjoy drawing and making art anymore as I used to, I feel scared and useless like what’s the point of making something pretty or why would I try to do something no one’s gonna enjoy, I only wanna make things that are useful to other people and that’s the problem, not saying art is dumb or anything I love art I know of its many purposes but I feel like I myself don’t know how to make it interesting or purposeful.

I don’t know how to make funny art because that’s just something I never did and it isn’t what I want to do, and I don’t wanna make just pretty art because I think that’s boring, boring to see and to make, and I just don’t have fun with it the same because I’m always thinking what are other people gonna think of the thing I made I’m always so anxious I don’t relax and it makes me so scared to produce anything, it even feels like i’m on the wrong path, I shouldn’t be doing art because I just don’t know how to make it without freaking out, and I look at my old drawings and they are full of life and personality and I wasnt that scared to create new concepts and characters and make things wrong, but nowadays i’m so scared that even my best ideas seem all dumb and idiot, even when I develop them further and perfect them as possible they still feel weird to me, like I don’t draw for fun anymore, I just draw because I have to, because I need an audience and people liking me so I can make money and live, and I hate this I hate that I had to monetize the thing that I loved the most to the point where I don’t even enjoy making it anymore and now what am I gonna do that was my only way of surviving. 

[polenbee]

‘No food will ever hurt you as much as your eating disorder will.’ I’m still learning to believe this, but deep down I know it’s the truth.

[polenbee]

Dear diary I just do’nt know how to write

I have no idea how people do that, just sit with a theme in mind and write about it, turn their feelings into words and not just that but words that make you feel like you understand exactly what that person felt when they were writing. Or even better than that, words that have nothing to do with how that person felt at that moment but how she thought something might feel, and just describe it as if that feeling were theirs. I know it’s something that only comes with great practice, it isn’t even a thing that I wish I knew how, like, of course I did if I could but it isn’t exactly something I’m gonna strive to be because I have so many other priorities in mind, but right at this moment I wish I did, because I’ve been struggling for daaaaaays with this assignment that I could have done in 15 minutes if I just had that ability. Anyway that’s it for now I guess

[polenbee]

sky.studies: warm. 🌙