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[porterblt]

New year, new babe

Whew, time to dust off the Tumblr PPD diary again!

Not really. But I am postpartum (again), and I am sad (again).

Little Owen came with us almost a week ago. I don’t know if it was just the suddenness of it all, or the earliness, but it still feels not quite real. I remember waking up in the hospital on the 28th and just looking around my room in some weird disbelief. My sleeping newborn was next to me in the bassinet, but it somehow felt like I hit a fast-forward button accidentally and was stuck in this new reality.

Coming home has been hard. Looking at Everett and interacting with him has been hard. I’ve been so focused on getting through each day and week leading up to the due date that I feel like I almost wasted those last few days with him, and that makes me really sad. The saving grace is that our last day together was really special. I cry every time I think or talk about it for some reason. It was a normal Thursday; I don’t even remember what we did the first half of the day. Everett got up from his nap, we ate a snack, then we went to this part of Crump Park that has a few sports fields and these empty train cars. Everett and I just walked about the trains for about an hour, and it was the sweetest time. He was so happy and inquisitive, and I was just there watching him have fun. I held his little hands as he walked up and down the brick half-wall, and helped him climb on and off of the train cars. I walked on the repaired cracks in the asphalt with him that criss-crossed across the parking lot like spider webs. As the sun was setting he looked up at me and said, “It’s getting dark outside, mom!” “Your’e right, buddy, we need to go to the car and go home soon.” He’s just so sweet and takes everything in. He’s constantly making little observations and goes out of his way to show us things over and over again. He’s my little boy, and I’ve just been processing so much grief over losing our life as a family of three.

Because he’s grown so gradually, it didn’t really hit me until we got home just how big he’s gotten. Owen is so little, and seeing Everett’s newborn things just unlocks this tidal wave of sadness. Those early days with him were so terrible and so dark. He was just this tiny little beacon that both made the darkness worse but then helped pull me back out again, day after day. 

I know these feelings of baby blues are “normal” and there’s nothing I can really do except hunker down and weather through the worst of it until things inevitably even out.

For some reason I’ve been thinking about my own mortality a little bit. There’s a man at Third who took his life this past week. It’s been so sad. I never knew him, but it was a big shock to everyone who did. When I was faced with the impending delivery, I started to wonder what it would be like if things went sideways during the delivery. If something happened to me. I usually never let myself dwell on that kind of thing, and always just envisioned heartbroken friends and my family. Then enters Chris. He would be a widower, which feels strange to think about. Now Everett. I’m a mom, and if something were to happen to me, it would blow a hole open into his little life. And Owen. He’d grow up never even knowing what having a mother is like. I’d leave so much grief in my wake, and things feel so much more at stake now than they did a few years ago.

I don’t know where I was going with that. I guess I’m realizing that I’m not super young anymore, and I’m starting to identify more with my parents, knowing how they must’ve felt when they were my age. Life is such a strange thing. In a way i wish the “circle of life” were kinder and longer. But I also realize that the things I love most dearly wouldn’t quite exist the same way if things were different.

Anyway. Enough for now.

[porterblt]

Birds and Bees

Right now, I’m sitting on my front porch. It’s 7:30, Everett has been asleep for 30 minutes, there’s a slight breeze, and I hear the birds chirping. And faint sounds of Tommy banging on a piano across the street.

It’s strange and quiet. It’s a Saturday night and Chris and I have no plans. That in itself isn’t new, but.....we have people we could hang out with. We have places we could go. I called my parents, Becca, and Julie....all busy. Katie and Morgan are having a game night with their close friends, who just got vaccinated. It’s so strange. I’m used to night after night, no plans, nothing really to look forward to. I’ve stopped wondering long ago what my friends were up to and just got used to the daily routine of keeping Everett alive, then doing nothing at the end of the day.

Chris and I were lamenting the fact that we can’t just go out to a brewery or eat outside at a restaurant, because Everett is sleeping (and all of our babysitting options are busy). I guess this is our first time having some sort of FOMO with a kid. When he was first born, we knew that we weren’t missing out on much because everyone was locked away at home. This is just a new feeling that I guess we’ll have to get used to?

My anger reared its ugly head again this week. I saw an instagram post and in the comments were new moms humble-bragging about not living their lives any differently this past year and “not living in fear like all you sheep.” That shit makes me SO ANGRY. I quickly jumped on and smacked some bitches (verbally, of course)....but then, predictably, someone angrily replied, then I angrily replied, and it went back and forth several times. My righteous anger slowly fizzled away and I felt left looking like an angry Karen. The girl whose original comment I replied to hopped on and actually responded in a less judgy way..she acknowledged that I was hurting and had empathy for me, but also was upset at my jumping all over her. That really made me feel convicted. After I cooled off I realized that all those people on the internet that I like to jump all over are...actual people on the other side of the screen. It felt right to delete my comments and apologize to the OP. She thanked me and sent me encouraging words. It was healing, in a way.

Speaking of, I started with my new counselor, Tracey. She’s really nice, and I like her style. She actively listens, doesn’t fill the need to awkwardly fill space, asks me additional questions to keep me engaged, and has a better camera so it feels more personal than Zoom. I feel good about it! I’m really hoping that she can help me work through things and adjust better than Sarah did back in June.

Unrelated, I’m going to Washington state next week to testify in a trial for a soldier who was sexually assaulted in 2019. I don’t really remember doing her exam, but I remember the narrative. I did some court prep over the phone with Bonnie present, and they asked me a bunch of questions. I was pretty nervous, but Bonnie said that I did a good job with my answers. So intimidating!! I feel like I should be more excited, but I’m just not particularly excited about being away from Chris and Everett for several days. Everett has not been sleeping well for the past three weeks so I feel bad about leaving Chris to deal with that. I’m also going to have to pump every 3 hours, which is going to be such a huge pain while I’m spending the day in multiple airports. Plus my actual trial day! But I’m going to try to make the most of it. On the bright side, I’m getting a free trip to WA and the week off of work! lol.

Parenting Everett has become more of a joy every day. He’s always been a cute baby, but right now he is SO. CUTE. He just gives me these crinkly-nosed smiles with his little teeth and his happy little eyes. He’ll give a little giggle and start growling. I thought I would love the baby months so much, but they’ve been so so so difficult and isolating. The more independent he’s becoming, the more like myself I’m feeling. It’s become very obvious that self-care is essential for me to function well (read: not have constant meltdowns) and with him relying on us for every single tiny thing, it was very emotionally draining. Now he just LOVES exploring every nook and cranny of the house, going outside and picking up little sticks and leaves, banging his toys together and on every surface, and seeing familiar faces. It’s just so fun and he is getting so independent. It makes my heart swell with joy when he learns a new skill. Tonight, for the first time, he grabbed his little water cup and took a sip. We’ve always held it up to his mouth for him, he’s never actually held it by himself before. And he was so nonchalant about it! Like, little things just randomly happen and it’s like...wow!! Today for the first time I also saw him put a toy in a box, then pull it back out again. Normally he’ll pull all the toys out, and start to put them back in but just keep holding on to the toy and then pull it back out again. I’ve never seen him just drop a toy into a box.

It’s the little things!!!

Final thoughts before my laptop dies: When I think about this time last year, a get a pit in my stomach. I was so pregnant, so scared, so sad. I should’ve been able to go out in public those last few weeks and show off my pregnant belly and cute maternity clothes. I should’ve been nervous and excited, not terrified. I should’ve had my classes teaching me how to expect and breathe through pain during child birth. I should’ve had my parents there at the hospital. I should’ve had my best friends visit me and meet my newborn son. I should’ve had my parents waiting for us when we got home, helping us put things away and clean up the house. Holding Everett so I could shower, or change clothes, or take a nap, or go on a walk. Literally fucking anything.

But I didn’t. This time last year, I cried every day and hid away inside. We had to put in orders for grocery pickups two weeks in advance. We had to wipe down everything with bleach wipes before it came in the house. We had to talk to our friends from several feet away with masks on our faces. I had to stare at my parents with tears in my eyes and not hug them even though I was on the brink of losing it.

Agh. I have to shake my head and try to get those memories out. It’s just too painful.

[porterblt]

I should be napping

But here I am. Honestly, it’s nice to have some quiet time to myself in a dimly lit room away from everybody.

Chris’s parents came to town for his birthday. Well, it was actually last weekend, but they had to reschedule. It’s a long story.

They have spent so much time playing with Everett, loving on him, carrying him around, laughing with him...it’s so sweet. And wonderful. And missed. I have visions of what life could’ve been if they were around like this right after he was born, but I can’t let my brain go there. It is still too painful. There’s always a lump in the back of my throat with tears that are barely held back when I think about what we lost.

HOWEVER. CHRIS GOT VACCINATED YESTERDAY. I can’t believe it!!! It feels like a miracle. He just randomly got an email that said it was his turn, and just like that, he got his first dose the following morning. Julie also got vaccinated, too. My parents are getting their second shots on Monday. Jeff has been vaccinate. Chris’s dad is vaccinated. The CDC changed guidelines so vaccinated people have more freedom to go out and see non-vaccinated people. It feels like this snowball that was rolling so slowly, and then all of a sudden it’s started flying down a hill. In a month, Chris will be fully vaccinated. We will have some bit or normalcy again, and I can’t believe it. It’s a year to the day that our lockdown started. So, so strange. We drove to Maryland for our second babyshower, but we cancelled it because things were changing so quickly and we were a little nervous. And here we are, a year later. Everett is almost a year old (!!!!), Chris’s family is here with us, and the future is looking bright.

I had dinner with Becca on Thursday, and it was amazing. It was our first time out together since sushi last March. Over a year?! We went to En Su Boca and had tacos and margaritas. Then we walked to Gelati Celesti and got ice cream. Man, it was great. Very surreal. It felt so foreign, but at the same time it felt like no time had passed. I’m so excited for Chris. He has been so much more cooped up than me, and his mental health has taken a huge toll. He talks about how much he wants to go to the gym, and I feel like when he’s able to exercise again it’ll be so good for him.

Now I’m getting anxiety about going back to normal life with a baby. We never had the chance to adjust before things shut down. Will we take him places? Who will watch him if we want to go out? How will we do yard work? Parrish group? What about going to church? Will Becca still come over a lot? How often should we plan on seeing friends? We’re so used to being alone and to ourselves every night that I can’t really picture it any other way. I’m excited but also nervous.

I still need to find a therapist. Maybe I should do that now. Everett has been such a joy lately. And also really, really difficult. He got bit at daycare yesterday and when Chris picked him up, he looked SO sad. His eyes were all red and puffy and he had a little bruise on his arm. His teeth look sooo red and uncomfortable. He is quick to cry and has been clingy with me. It makes me so sad for him, but I’m trying to treasure some of these times with him.

I hear him crying in the next room.....will go help Chris!

[porterblt]

New update

Today has been weird. Actually, this week has been weird. We had quite a weekend. I worked Friday and Saturday, then Chris had food poisoning on Sunday and was down for the count all day so I was on Everett duty. I worked today. So my weekend was watching Everett all day. Which was actually not bad. Something clicked in the past week or two. I don’t know what it is, but...he looks at us now in a different way. He watches and studies things in a genuine interest. Before it was, “Oh, pretty thing to look at.” But now it feels like actual wonderment and he’s observing the details that he never used to notice. Chris has this REALLY cute video of Everett playing with a ribbon. He’s just slowly pulling it between his fingers and studying it closely. He’s had that ribbon since Christmas, and he pretty much just ignored it.

It feels like he’s a real person now. Chris and I will just look at each other and smile. Chris gets a twinkle in his eye and says, “I love him so much.” Last May, Chris said that if we woke up one morning and Everett hadn’t actually been born, he wouldn’t be that sad. It is just amazing how we get to see him slowly develop and grow. When I came home from work today, he looked up at me, got the biggest smile, and crawled towards me. I picked him up and he just beamed at me and sort of hugged me. Like, what?? He’s reacting this way? UGH it’s just the best.

Mentally, I’m....about the same. Maybe slightly better. The change in Everett has made a noticeable difference in my time spent with him. He used to get so impatient if I didn’t walk him around the whole house. Now he’ll climb on me, smile, grab my face, and if I don’t walk him he’ll just start crawling and get to where he wants all on his own. It’s so great. Ok, so I’ll stop gushing about him - ever since he started up with that stuff, I’ve felt less...overwhelmed. Like, my time alone with him isn’t a huge chore. I still don’t really have time to myself, but I’m functioning a little better. I’ve noticed that I’m more negative at work. I’m complaining about things more. I guess I should do my best to catch myself and not be that person. Not that I want to be known for being happy and bubbly every second, but I don’t want to be thought of as a person who brings negative energy.

Knowing my enneagram has been so helpful in my understanding of myself. I have more patience with myself. I just want so badly to be liked and valued. I made a comment on a reddit post and I randomly got a bunch of downvotes. And it hurt my feelings! It brought me down and I got defensive over a bunch of internet strangers taking away internet points based off of a single comment. It’s absurd. I feel like I’m more willing to stick up for myself and be more honest at work, which has been good. I’m still trying to figure out what that looks like in different contexts.

I’ve been really foggy lately. Like, how I was when I worked night shift. I have a harder time remembering words. I lose my train of thought all the time. I get side-tracked and have a hard time staying focused. My work space is super messy. I have to constantly have sticky-notes everywhere so I can make sure I don’t forget things. It’s so weird. I can’t decide if it’s related to Everett, or sleep deprivation, or anxiety, or a combination of everything. Part of me is paranoid that it’s some sort of weird side effect from the vaccine orrrr it’s early-onset dementia or something. I just feel like I could wake up one day and be somewhere and not remember how I got there. Well...ok, that’s a little dramatic. But I feel like I can understand how those people gradually become what they are.

I’ve been thinking more about having another baby. But then I get flashes of the trauma I went through with Everett and I just can’t think any further. I loved being pregnant, and I LOVED the excitement of growing a person and anticipating who they were going to be. Just thinking about the sleep and the constant nursing and the anxiety of them being so fragile...it just puts a knot in my stomach. I always wanted lots of kids and now I’m wondering if we should even have more than one. Ugh, I just don’t really know what I want. Maybe my birth control will fail and I won’t even have to make that decision.

One more thing and then bedtime........mom and dad got vaccinated today! My parents! Will be immune! To covid! I CAN HAVE MY PARENTS BACK! Jeff is vaccinated, and it’s only a matter of time before Chris gets it. They just approved the J&J vaccine a couple of days ago, so things are going to be ramping up. It’s just so exciting. I’m curious if/when they’re going to start recommending it for kids. I’m not in any rush to inject Everett with an experimental drug, but it will be really nice to not have to worry about him anymore. I almost want to cry tears of joy. My parents can come over, they can babysit, i can go to their house, we can go out to eat together (maybe?), we can spend holidays indoors together......I just keep going over everything in my head and I can’t believe it. I hope that their reactions aren’t bad and they’ve able to tolerate it ok. Just a while longer and this strange purgatory will be behind us.

[porterblt]

I need therapy.

Or at least, Chris thinks I do. For now I’m going to try to be more intentional about writing my feelings again. I’m an external processor so it’s helpful.

So where to start....it’s been so long since I’ve written! Everett is 10 months old, as of a couple of days ago. We’re in a very bittersweet phase...meaning, he is SO CUTE and SO SWEET...but he also is now very opinionated, and he wants what he wants. He also wants to do more than his body is capable of doing.

Right now he’s crawling (finally! Yay!), pushing himself to a sitting position, pulling himself up onto things, feeding himself small solid foods, babbling more purposefully (he can say, ‘muh muh muh’, which I believe means ‘mama’...but that is to be seen), and walks around with us holding his arms. He’s been learning so much the past few weeks, it’s insane. He’ll go to bed not able to do something, and then the next day he’ll just randomly start doing it. It’s wild how much his brain grows! He laughs and smiles a lot, he’s just now figuring out how to wave, and I think he’s starting to sign at me! I’ve been signing “milk” to him whenever I feed him, and the past few days I really think he’s signing it back to me. So sweeeeet.

So how am I doing? Hm. That’s a good question. I don’t really know how I’m doing, and it’s hard to figure it out. It’s like a tough muscle in your back that you have to knead over and over at different times to loosen up. This is new for me, because I’m usually pretty in-tune with my feelings and know how to express them. I’ve starting giving less of a shit what people think of me when it comes to expressing negative feelings. I’ve spoken up in work a time or two when I felt like comments were condescending. I called Chris an asshole once while we were fighting. I swear a lot more. When Chris and I are having disagreements, I’m more tempted to just yell at him, lol. I just...have like, disconnected from myself in a weird way. It’s easier to just push my feelings into a closet and shut the door. Autopilot takes over and I’m good to go. Right? Right.

I think I still struggle a lot with grief and feeling suuuuper resentful about how my birth with Everett was. Everything that was taken from us. In hindsight, that was a very traumatic time for me emotionally. Maybe that’s why I’m so disconnected from my feelings? When I try to remember back on those early weeks, I almost can’t. Like, there’s a glass wall that gives me glimpses and small feelings of what it was like, but I don’t let myself go there. It’s just easier not to. I’m not sure what to do about this; I’ve never really had trauma before. It feels dramatic to call it trauma, but I think that’s what it was.

My relationship with Chris has had its ups and downs over the past several months, but all in all I’d say our baseline is a slight upward trajectory. He has really stepped up in a million ways to take care of Everett and I. He’s naturally fitting into the ‘selfless father’ role that he and I both had growing up with our own dads, and it’s really cool to see. He loves Everett so much, and I just love watching them together. They’re going to be such good pals when Everett is a little older. 

One of the things I’m struggling with a lot right now is not having time to myself to recharge. I don’t mean to sound lazy or whiney, but I’m realizing how important it is to my mental health to have time to sit and veg. I go to my full time work hours, then I come home and work another full time job. Usually 1 day a week I have a day off that aligns with Everett’s daycare, so I get some time in the morning. The last three weeks we had bad weather and daycare closed, so that was really hard mentally. Plus the weather made it so we couldn’t go anywhere. 

Everett’s at daycare right now, and I’m a little frustrated. Last night I didn’t sleep well because Everett was up coughing a lot (he’s getting over a cold) and I had coffee late in the day so I just wasn’t tired. I’ve been really dragging this morning so I was looking forward to going back to sleep once Everett was gone Chris and I got into a fight this morning and I was so wound up that I had a hard time winding down. So we have to go get him in less than an hour and I’m still really sleepy, and didn’t get to really do anything. I guess I’m writing, though. So that’s something.

Covid vaccines have been really difficult to come by due to supply and demand. CVS and Walgreens have started giving them out, but appointments are really hard to come by. Anyway - I downloaded the CVS and after checking numerous times a day for about a week, I found an opening!!! I scheduled one for my dad and my mom. The CVS location is almost 2 hours away, but my dad didn’t mind and will happily drive to get it. Here’s the thing - for some reason, CVS only let you start the sign-up process if you’re 65+. I don’t understand why, because mom is eligible for it right now b/c of work and her MS. Anyway, I fibbed on the website to get through, thinking it would boot me off when I put in her real birthday, revealing that she’s 61. But it didn’t! I was able to book her an appointment and the follow-up. Chris found out that I initially put a different age and he’s mad at me about it. I snapped back. My mom is eligible, and I have gone through SO MUCH shit without my mom around to help me. She deserves this. I deserve this. I’ve spent my whole life following rules and doing the right thing, because that’s what I want to do. This one time, I want to be selfish and get my mom in there to be vaccinated. We’re all suffering because of this. I’m not taking it away from someone else. My mom is eligible through the state to get it, and CVS is being weird with their age restriction.

So anyway, our fight was about that. He said that my parents aren’t my responsibility. I don’t feel like I’m responsible for them, it’s just that they’re not great with technology and they don’t think to dig around, so they do things slowly or incorrectly. I got really mad at Chris and wanted to tell and cuss at him, but I didn’t. It’s hard. I never was like this. Sure, I’d get mad - but it just feels like I have so much more anger and I don’t even want to look at him when I get that way. Our last fight (Valentine’s day - another story for another time) I got so mad that I just left and drove away. I couldn’t do it. I had to get out of the house and away from him. Everett was just happily in the bathtub, completely oblivious..lol. Maybe because he’s the only person I see regularly, I don’t know. I need to figure this shit out. Maybe I do need therapy.

[porterblt]

10.5 weeks

We’re here! Almost 11 weeks! Then 12 weeks! AHHH!

I can’t believe how quickly time is going and how fast he’s growing. It’s been sad but really great, too. I seems like the first 7 weeks were basically stagnant and then all of a sudden he’s doing all of these amazing things in quick succession.

First he started smiling. Then, he started smiling a lot. And he started really looking around the room and seeing things. Then, he started kicking and looking like he enjoyed himself, and started smiling at us specifically. He started cooing a little more, which was really cute. Then, over last weekend, he started “talking” and focusing on things! While we were in Annapolis, he was getting lots and lots of attention from the family, and then he just started chattering away. We had ordered a play gym for him, and when we got home it had arrived so we set it up. He LOVES IT. It has little black and white cards that he focuses on, it’s got little hanging things for him to grab and kick, and it has plenty of room for him to spread out. 

We went to Annapolis last weekend to see Chris’s parents, and it was SO wonderful. I was apprehensive because it would be our first trip with him, and wasn’t sure how easily our routine would translate over to a different environment. It did, though, and it was a dream. Well, for the most part. Debbie, Katie, and Amy always wanted to hold Everett so we got such a nice break to just relax and not have to constantly hold/entertain the baby. And even though he didn’t react much, I’m sure he appreciated all of the attention and stimulation. We went to a blueberry patch and he met some of the cousins and aunts/uncles that were there. We, of course, all had masks and stayed some feet apart from each other. Chris’s cousin Tommy and his wife Amanda have been staying with her mom in MD, but they usually live fulltime in NYC. Since it was obviously hit the hardest, they decided to leave after several of her friends caught it and she was worried about being exposed.

Coming home from Annapolis was tough. It actually made me very bitter to know how wonderful it is to be around family, and to realize what we had been missing out on for the first two months of Everett’s little life. It was rejuvenating - being able to carry things over and do them in MD made it feel much easier and it felt less daunting to do at home. Plus, he had made all of these neat developmental leaps in the meantime. I’ll upload some pictures when I can from the trip. I’m still trying to figure out how to best store them - god forbid I lose my phone or it dies, and then I lose all of those pictures and videos :( still trying to sort it out.

Covid is still going strong, though (KNOCK ON WOOD) not so much in VA. Our trends have pretty much been going down, but in AZ, TX, and FL it’s been insane. I’m not sure why there’s such a surge there, but they’re starting to go through what was happening in NY. Their ICUs are full, with thousands of positive tests every day. It’s crazy. It’s become more and more political to wear a mask or practice any kind of social distancing, which I find completely ridiculous. Trump is the most narcissistic, irresponsible, cowardly person we could EVER have as an elected official, let alone president, and he has turned this into a political war. 100%. He refuses to wear a mask and is constantly making statements and tweets about how it’s a leftist hoax. I just can’t even fathom it. I’m sure in the future, they will write about it in text books and people will just shake their heads in disbelief that Americans are so stupid. Some of the european countries are re-opening and allowing travelers to come back into their countries, but not to US. And I don’t blame them one bit! Mexico actually closed its borders so US citizens can’t cross over. Canada has been closed. It’s just insane. We just finished 4th of July weekend and I don’t even know if I want to see the numbers in two weeks. Chris has a couple of cousins that are prancing around on the beach like nothing is happening. It just feels like an insult that Chris and I have made such sacrifices (to the detriment of my mental health) to stay safe, and people are able to go out and live their lives like nothing is happening.

And now, if I have time (Everett woke up), I want to touch on the civil rights movement that’s been happening for about a month. It’s crazy. There were a number of killings of black citizens by police officers, and it was like the top blew off of a volcano. Riots erupted in almost every city, with countless protests. First, they were just a violent response to the devastation of the losses. But then they turned into protests against police brutality, marches for BLM, and a call to take down monuments all over the south that memorialized confederate war generals. It’s been amazing to witness. There have been protests pretty much every day since then and it’s been amazing to watch. Chris and I didn’t go to any because of the baby (and come on, there’s still a pandemic happening) but it was like half of the country went through a racial awakening. A switch went off in my head and, after reading/hearing so many stories of black citizens who have suffered or been discriminated against, I finally realized that there was a huge problem that needs to be remedied. I guess I’ve just been happily oblivious and assumed that things weren’t as bad as people said they were. But I was being lazy. There have been a lot of difficult and uncomfortable conversations with my family - particularly mom. Of course, Trump has spun this into an “us versus them” situation where all of the protestors are leftist extremists and they want to ruin the fabric of society and yada yada. It’s been extremely frustrating. Mom has been listening to it and believing it. She’s not an inherently racist person, but she is of the camp that BLM and these protests are dangerous and unnecessary, and that systemic racism really just doesn’t exist. I’ve been trying to have conversations here and there about what’s going on in a way that appeals to her. If I immediately shoot down everything she says about her “side,” I know she won’t take anything I have to say seriously. So I’m doing my best to keep my mouth shut and listen, but introduce new ideas and gently redirect some of her thoughts on what’s happening. So far it’s actually been working-ish. But she keeps listening to these toxic news channels that catastrophize everything that’s happening and I know it’s shaping her opinions. I just have to be patient. I know it’s been difficult for my dad, who is largely in the same camp as the rest of us, politically. Time and patience, I suppose.

I have to go back to work in two weeks and am completely dreading it. I’m starting to remember the things I didn’t like about my job, and remembering what it’s like to work a 12 hour shift, and realizing that I’m going to be in a hospital during a pandemic. I just don’t want to do it!! But a small part of me is also thinking that it might not be the worst thing to have some sort of schedule again. As I learned back in March, I do not do well when there’s no structure. I just get lazy and sad. I’ll also be able to socialize with my coworkers, which will be kind of nice I think. From what I can tell, they’re cleaning the office obsessively and wearing masks all the time. So I’m hoping it’ll be ok. I just hope my anxiety will be able to handle it :-/

[porterblt]

It’s been a while

So much has happened! I’m trying to remember what was even relevant last time I posted.

Well, first of all - Everett is thriving. Chris and I are kind of thriving..hah. We’re getting more sleep! Everett has started doing longer stretches, which has been such a nice thing. The longest stretch he’s had between feedings was 9 hours, and then he slept for 8? So then I got 7 hours. It was insane. That’s only happened a couple of times, but  5-6 hour stretches of sleep at night have become the norm. Every few days he’ll wake up at 3am, and sometimes he goes back to sleep, but sometimes he doesn’t. Like last night....oy. He woke up at 330ish and just wouldn’t go back to sleep, so I fed him, and then he just wouldn’t go back to sleep! He was squirming and making weird noises and whining..it was bizarre. He was up for another 30 minutes probably before he finally went to bed. And then he woke up again at 7am. So by the time I fell asleep, I probably only got like 1 1/2 hours. Ugh. You’re killing me, baby!!!

BUT, he’s so much more aware than he used to be! He loves looking around and things on the walls, the ceilings, and just smiles a ton. He doesn’t like to cuddle anymore after he eats; instead I turn him around so he’s leaning back against my chest and he can look around the room and smile at everything. His head is getting stronger so he can hold it upright on his own for a few seconds at a time. That’s a win! He’s kicking his little feet a ton, which is very cute. He’s using his hands more (or, at least trying to). It’s so neat - before he would move his arms around clumsily, but now he’s getting used to them and moving his wrists and fingers back and forth. He’ll rub his eyes with his little fists when he’s frustrated or tired. His vocabulary has also expanded a lot. He makes all sort of little noises and screeches now that he never did before. It’s a blessing and a curse, hah. He’s had his moments of being more fussy, but I think we’re still in the “Leap 2″ window so that might just be something we deal with until it’s over. But all in all, this is getting easier. He’s putting himself to sleep fairly well (it takes a little while and we listen to him make noises for a bit, but then he gets there).

There’s more to write about, but I hear him making noises from the other room. Time to eat!

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GLAD

Grateful: Today I’m grateful for family in good health that are close and somewhat responsible with social distancing.

Learned: I learned the root of my anxiety - not being able to keep him safe or solve his problems. ie He cries, can’t go to sleep, is in pain, is unhappy, etc and I’ll be stuck, completely unable to help him.

Accomplishment: Was somewhat productive and enjoyed the weather :)

Delighted: Spent time with family for mom’s birthday and father’s day. It was wonderful :)

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5(!) weeks

Here we are! Five weeks?? Oh my gosh.

It’s so strange. I just take things one day at a time, day after day, and then all of a sudden five weeks go by.

Things have slowly been getting easier. It’s been a lot of “two steps forward, one step back.” We’ll have a couple of good days, and then a really shitty day, and then more good-ish days. Baby E (I can’t believe I’m doing the “first letter” thing, but typing Everett is a little annoying to do over and over) is sleeping longer stretches at night, and usually has one longer nap during the day. He’s also getting better at putting himself to sleep, which has been really encouraging. We still has those fussy moments where he’s overtired/fighting it and just won’t go to sleep unless Chris is there to keep putting the pacifier back in his mouth over and over again, but the majority has been good.

He is getting more aware and actually looking at us now! He also fixates on certain things, like the ceiling fans and picture frames on the walls. It’s so sweet. His neck is getting stronger so he lifts his little head up more to get a better look at things. He’s cooing more, and generally just being a more interactive, sweet baby boy. Not that he wasn’t a sweet baby before, but he spent wayyy more time sleeping and not opening his eyes.

My emotions have been a bit up and down. For a week or so my anxiety was kicked up a notch, but now has seemed to settle back down into being generally somewhat depressed. Almost entirely related to fucking covid-19. We had memorial day on Monday, and I just kept thinking of this alternate reality where we’d be loading up the baby and going to my parents’ house for a cookout. My mom would be holding him while we ate, maybe Jeff and Lauren would’ve come up for the weekend to see him, and maybe my friends would be there. Becca and Joan still haven’t met Everett, and I don’t know when I’ll feel ok with them holding him. Probably not until there’s a vaccine, to be honest. Which could be a year? Ugh. I ache for my mom to come over and spend time with us; to cuddle Everett while we rest or run errands or whatever. I ache for Chris’s family to come and stare at him and love him like we do. I know we’ll get there one day, but he’s just so little right now. It breaks my heart to imagine them missing these precious, tiny baby moments. Some days I cope with this better than others. Yesterday was a day where I was not coping well. I cried. A lot. Chris had work he needed to do and wasn’t super available to help, so I was just moody and sad all day. I really hope poor Everett doesn’t pick up on these moods. Maybe he does? I don’t really know how they would affect him.

So the world right now...a mess, as usual. There have been three (THREE) police/white supremacy-related deaths of African Americans in the past month, and two of them actually have videos of the deaths floating around the internet. I just can’t. I can barely read about them. I’m really sensitive right now and the heaviness of death/pain still hangs lower over me than usual, so for my sanity I haven’t been really allowing myself to truly process them. But it’s just so frustrating. And heartbreaking. And discouraging. I brought my son into a world with so much pain, cruelty, and sickness. It makes me want, more than over, to protect him as fiercely as I can, and teach him to be kind, strong, and responsible. I pray every day that he’ll be safe, but also be a light unto the world, in some capacity. 

Covid update: The surrounding counties have been open for two weeks, and tomorrow Richmond City will open. There’s been a mandatory mask announcement, which (of course) people are bitching about. But whatever. There has been an increase of 1,500 Covid cases in the past week or two, but I’m not really shocked by this. I think it’s for the entire state of VA, which makes me feel slightly better. There was inevitably going to be an increase with any phase of opening up. Hopefully the increase will be relatively steady to hospitals will be able to keep up with everything. It IS encouraging that, over the past few months, it has allowed hospitals all over Virginia (and hopefully the country) to adequately prepare supplies and PPE, secure staffing, and refine treatment algorithms for Covid patients. They’re even starting to slowly open the hospital  (St. Mary’s, at least) back up to visitors, which is kind of crazy. I just pray that people will be wise and considerate of their neighbors and not do stupid shit. Which, inevitably, will happen.

I’ve been having a difficult time with my mom lately. Thankfully, she’s the one in the family who doesn’t seem to get crippling anxiety - but this also brings about a false sense of security, I think. From the beginning she has been overly optimistic about the affects of the virus, and has been more lax about self-isolating. Her and dad never quite stopped going to the store, and even saw some friends of theirs on occasion. I have always been hurt by this, and I realized yesterday that, while I’m worried about them physically, I’m taking it more personally that they’re not being as careful. By my mom meeting a friend for “socially distanced coffee,” she’s exposing herself and further putting a wedge between us (Chris, Everett & I) and her. If she fucking stayed home and was more serious about it, we’d be more lenient about her spending time with us/him. Which would be so much better for my mental health. But by her continuing to go out, it’s like she’s personally making herself less and less accessible. If that makes sense? I know she doesn’t see it that way, but it’s hard not to feel that way. Like my mental state could be better, but because it’s so directly affected by her actions, it feels like she’s working against my feeling less isolated. Ugh, I don’t know. 

Wow, I think I finally finished an entire post without being interrupted. Amazing!! E has been napping and I hear him stirring a little bit here and there, but he’s been putting himself back to sleep. Thank goodness! Love that little boy.

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Start of week 4

Week 4. Week 4??

Wow. I can’t believe my little newborn son will be a month old this week!! It’s been the longest and fastest month of my life. When I think back to those early weeks, I just remember a sad, sleepy, anxious blur. Maybe it’s a good thing the details are fading away.

We’re finally settling into more of a routine. Or rather, we’re getting used to what his routine is. We’ve come to terms with the fact that he is just not a good napper. Ugh. So in the mornings, Chris basically hangs out with him in the living room so I can get another couple hours of sleep in between feedings. The afternoon is typically when he FINALLY settles and will sleep for longer stretches. Then, into the evening, he’ll usually sleep ok. I’ve started doing a “Dream Feed,” which is basically just feeding him around 10pm, or whenever I’m going to sleep. That restarts the feeding clock, and he’ll sleep for a longer stretch. By the time he wants to eat again, it’s usually sometime around ~1:30, so I can get at least two solid hours. After that it gets a little dicey...sometimes he sleeps for another couple of hours, sometimes only 45-60 minutes. Then we get to the witching hour in the morning, usually 5-6. After that, he’s up for the day. Then it all starts over.

In the world, things are getting more interesting. There have been protests from people who want the country to open back up. It’s been frustrating, because it still feels too early. Last Friday, they started “Phase 1,” which basically meant that some small businesses could re-open, and some restaurants could open if they had open-air seating. At the last minute, the mayor decided to delay the City of Richmond’s re-opening for two weeks, while the surrounding counties still opened May 15th. So we’ll see how that all shakes out. We’re not going to be really changing what we do - which is basically staying in the house and barely seeing anyone. I’m sure there will be a spike in cases (it’s common sense, how could there not be?) but hopefully it won’t be a HUGE wave of cases. I just don’t trust people. It’s basically common practice now to wear a mask wherever you go, and i still see people without them. It’s frustrating to say the least.

i saw on the news today that there has been a vaccine being developed and 8/8 recipients developed antibodies, which is really encouraging. Granted, it was a small study group, but still. It’s something! There are other treatments currently being tested and, as we’re learning more about how the virus works, they’re narrowing down how to treat the patients more effectively. It’s still scary, and I still hope to never get it, but at least we’re getting somewhere. It’s still just so strange that some people get it and barely feel anything beyond a cold, and then others get it and are hospitalized (or dead) within days. I’ve seen a couple stories of some old folks getting it and recovering, which is pretty awesome. I just worry about my mom with her MS. The thing that seems to be killing people is the syndrome where their immune system responds so extremely that their lungs close up and they die that way. I’m really, really hoping that we’ll never have to find out how she would react to it. I’m hoping that, at some point, they’ll make antibody testing more widely available and we can better determine who had it/will not be getting it again. Then we can more confidently start going back into the world.

They say that the economic repercussions are going to be similar to the Great Depression. I’ve already heard that 25% of the restaurants in Richmond won’t be reopening. We’ll see. For now, we’re just going to keep hunkering down and hope that we can get through this in one piece.

[porterblt]

Mowgli has finally forgiven us for having a baby.

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Week 3

We’re well into week three with this little punk!

Things are finally leveling out. My hormones are more stabilized. My meds went up and my moods are more in check. My mastitis cleared up and I’m finally nursing him on a (somewhat) normal routine. He’s still not really napping during the day, but we’re just taking things as they come. We’ve started bringing him into the living room with us to hang out so we (aka Chris) isn’t trapped in the nursery trying to get him to fall asleep.

Speaking of which, time to feed him. Maybe one day I’ll finish a post!!

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Mother’s Day photo dump

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Bad to Worse to Great

UGH what a past 48 hours this has been.

I have started typing so many times and gotten interrupted, haha. Let’s recap:

Sunday - I can barely remember but I know the end of it was great! We went on a really nice walk with bb in the stroller, Katie and Morgan dropped off dinner and sat with us for a bit, and then we ate and it was SO good.

Yesterday - A day from hell. Well, that’s dramatic. But it was probably our hardest day yet, at least for me. Lately Everett hasn’t been sleeping very soundly (or long) in the mornings, usually anywhere from 5-7am. Yesterday, he didn’t sleep. At all. He would doze a little bit, but then wake back up. Thank God he wasn’t crying...but I tried and tried ALL DAY to get him to sleep, and he just wouldn’t do it. It made me question everything - was he hungry? Too hot? Too cold? Pacifier? Overtired? I ended up spiraling and just fed him a bunch of times, and then started freaking out that he maybe didn’t have enough to eat because he just keep rooting with his mouth every time I picked him up. My friend (who had a baby who also didn’t sleep well r/t not eating enough) said that maybe I should talk to a lactation consultant. I made an appointment, pumped twice, had another meltdown, it was just. A MESS. And the entire time, Chris was there hugging me and encouraging me through it. It was amazing.

Last night he slept GREAT, and this morning he was even resting quietly in his bassinet, though he didn’t quite get to sleep. I was tearful all morning because I basically had PTSD from yesterday and was so afraid the same thing would happen. We had our appointment at 11am with the lactation consultant, and holy shit.

At first, she rubbed me the wrong way. She bristled at some of my comments/questions (when I mentioned he had an oral fixation she was like, “Um, YEAH, and?” No shit, lady. I mean outside of feeding). I started crying when I said I’ve been pretty depressed and not really eating, and she gave me a tissue. She was fairly no-nonsense and helped me navigate through things that were working and things that clearly weren’t working.

We went into a little room and I sat in a recliner and breastfed Everett with her supervising. She showed me a new position, and pointed out things that weren’t helping (I was slouched, he was reaching up to eat, etc) and after he nursed one side, she was basically like, “Wow, you’re doing everything right and you don’t even know it.” She weighed him and said that he’d gotten plenty of milk from just one side, and that she thinks my problems stem from over feeding him. He’s been gaining a lot of weight (a good thing at this age) and she thinks that I’ve been misinterpreting his body language about being hungry vs. being in pain and having gas. She also said that I definitely don’t need to be waking him up at night to eat anymore; he’ll wake up when he’s hungry. That was such a relief to hear. So based on how many times he eats at night, that will help me decide how many times/when to feed him during the day. At first when we left my head was spinning and I was so overwhelmed. I wanted structure and a schedule. BUT! I’m finally realizing that things are never going to be that way with kids. At least, not completely. No matter how much I want to worry about details and micromanage, things are just going to happen the way they’re supposed to. And that’s ok.

Everett woke himself up at 2:15pm, I nursed him (one side!!) and took plenty of time to burp/snuggle him after, then laid him down. And he passed out immediately. I just feel so encouraged.

That plus my hormone storm finally starting to calm has really made me see a part in the clouds and feel like this is something I CAN DO. I mean...I’ve never really doubted that I could do it, but I never realized how hard it would be. Having a newborn and relies entirely on you is so strange and stressful. I want to be an expert and handle it with ease. And that’s not going to happen. Even experts on babies and children have issues from things out of their control.

So here we are. It’s almost 4pm, and I’m sitting in the sunroom with Chris. I have peace in my heart, and I might take a nap. Like nearly every day leading up to this one, we had a really rough start - but we got through it. The afternoon and evening are my saving grace. I feel normal again (or close to it, at least).

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Star Wars Day

Yesterday was a good day. With a rough start.

I’m starting to realize that, in addition to feeling depressed in the mornings, Everett doesn’t really sleep well in the mornings. From ~5-12 is his witching hour. Unfortunately, that’s usually when I really need that last leg of sleep to get through the morning. The good news is that now that we’ve had it for a few days in a row, we can expect it and plan accordingly. The last couple of mornings, Chris has stayed up with Everett while I’ve been able to get some sleep on the living room couch. I actually sleep really well out there - I get that deep sleep and then wake up thinking that I’ve overslept and Everett hasn’t eaten in hours.

So anyway - yesterday started like the other days, but ended up being really good. I was feeling more and more like myself. Katie and Morgan came over to bring us dinner, and sat on the back deck for a while to visit. It was really nice. Then we facetimed with Chris’s family and plated Code Names, which was really fun.

Everett still hasn’t managed to fall asleep. Maybe I’ll see if he needs to be fed.

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Birth Story

Finally sitting down to write this out! Probably going to separate it into segments for ease of remembering?

Pre-Game:

April 21, my due date, came and went. I wasn’t necessarily expecting to go into labor, but I was hoping at least something would happen. Chris I had gone on a long walk around the neighborhood, and by the end of it, I was more crampy/uncomfortable than usual. I also thought he had dropped a bit lower, but wasn’t really sure. Either way, I was still pregnant AF. We went to bed.

Around 3am, I woke up with (what felt like) a painful contraction. I psyched myself up, but I ended up drifting back to sleep and nothing happened. Around 5am, Chris got up to pee and then I got up after him. When I sat up, it felt like a small gush came out. I wasn’t sure if I had peed myself (that has never happened?) and it was really hard to tell. I got up, went to the bathroom, and still couldn’t tell. The more I would bear down, the more fluid would come out. I called the OB on call, and after some back and forth (I was indecisive), she told me to go to St. Mary’s. I told Chris, and after he woke up, he immediately started cleaning the kitchen. LOL. I was shakily packing up my bag and trying to remember everything I needed, and the longer I went, the more I could feel the fluid leaking out when I bent over/lifted something/etc. When I was nearly ready, I realized that Chris had barely packed and was cleaning dishes and wiping the counter top. I finally got him to pack up his bag, and then he nervously was like, “Do you think I have time to take a shower?” CHRIS, my water broke and it’s been 30 minutes! We finally got all of our shit together and then went to the Hospital.

We got there around 6am, and had to get screened for Covid at the entrance. They took our temperatures and gave us stickers (Chris got a wrist band) and then we went to the 3rd floor to get checked in. A nurse got me situated and started an IV. A midwife came in and checked me - I was already 90% effaced, 3cm dilated, and he was -1! I had no idea I was that far along - the last I heard, I was only 1cm. She said she was really impressed by how good of a start I had. We talked about contractions (I hadn’t really had any yet) and decided that I would try to get them started by doing things around the room (couldn’t walk the halls in the hospital, unfortunately) and if I didn’t start on my own by 11am, we’d do Pitocin.

Shift change happened at 7am and I had a really sweet older nurse named Lynette, who would come check on me periodically and talk our ears off for a little while. Dr. Serrah was the dayshift OB and introduced herself - she was super nice. Then Chris and I spent the next ~5 hours just hanging out in the room. It was actually pretty pleasant. I’d get the occasional contraction, we’d have snacks, watch TV, text our relatives, etc. Finally in the late morning, Lynette was saying, “I think it’s time to start the medicine. You didn’t come here for a vacation - we’ve gotta have that baby.” So we started the Pitocin.

Labor:

I’d heard horror stories about Pitocin and how it caused super intense, awful contractions. Thankfully, she started at a pretty low dose and the contractions weren’t that bad. I didn’t even really start going into labor until 11:45 or 12. When they hit, they were like period cramps. After a while, Lynette checked on me and said, “Ok, let’s bump it up.” I’d do a nervous laugh every time she said that. I told Chris it was like the machine in the Pit of Despair from Princess Bride. Each level would make you feel worse and worse. It was like, “Oh, you’re not uncomfortable enough. Let’s change that.” Then, around 1pm, we started hearing a woman across the hall yelling. We just looked at each other nervously. Her yelling became bellowing, which became shrieking. Lynette would come to check on me, increase the medication dose yet again, and then we’d listen to the screaming lady. Oh, and this whole time I was basically doing squats, bouncing on an exercise ball, pacing the room, etc. She said that I needed to do things to get him lower into my pelvis, which would make the contractions more intense and more effective.

Finally Lynette was like, “You’ve been up for a while, do you want to get in bed and rest for a bit? You need to save your energy for when things really get going!” By this time I was already starting to feel a bit uncomfortable, and was like “Oh, ahahah yeah, when things get going...” Also, I had no idea I was allowed to rest in bed! I clumsily climbed in and she was like, “Let me get the peanut ball!” and came back with this giant, peanut-shaped exercise ball to keep in between my knees. That way Everett could still work his way down into my pelvis while I was lying down. I was somehow able to doze a little bit, and then Chris decided to step out for a few minutes to walk around and get some air. Of course, about 10 minutes after he left the contractions started to get pretty bad. I didn’t have my phone (it was plugged in and sitting in the chair next to my bed, out of reach) and I weakly called out, “Hey, Siri!” trying to get it to text Chris and tell him to come back. I got out of bed with great difficulty, and Lynette came back in to check on me. She gave me my phone and I was able to text Chris, which he didn’t respond to. The contractions were getting way more intense and close together, and I was getting to the point where I wasn’t able to really stand or talk while each one was happening. I told Lynette that I was feeling like it was time for the epidural. She opened up my fluids to get my blood pressure up and called the anesthesiologist. This was maybe around 2:15? I finally called Chris and told him to come up. He was like “Oh yeah, sorry!” and he hurried back up to me. He had been walking around the courtyard and then in the chapel. He had ended up being gone for about 40 minutes. He immediately came over and was helping me stay steady through each contraction. They were pretty rough. They were like really strong period cramps that went up my back and down to my thighs.

After another phone call, the anesthesiologist finally moseyed into the room and started the epidural around 3:15. I was pretty nervous about what the pain would be, and it was hard not to imagine the needle going into my back. It definitely felt weird and hurt, but the pain was so fleeting and before I knew it, the procedure was done. After about 5 minutes, Everett’s heart rate started to go down with each contraction, and my blood pressure was getting a little low. Lynette picked up on this right away, and when she checked me she said, “OH. Wow. you’re nearly 10cm!” She hit the call button and urgently asked for help to set up the room. A couple of people came in and started setting things up. I looked over at Chris and suddenly started crying. I was so scared, and things went so fast! I had literally just gotten the epidural! Lynette kept saying, “She’s 9cm and a lip!” I had no idea what that meant, though she finally explained that the only thing that was preventing me from being 10cm was a tiny part of my cervix on one side. The doctor came in and checked me, and confirmed that I was nearly 10cm. They started asking my if I noticed contractions, and I was like, “Oh, I’ve been having contractions this whole time! I forgot!” It was amazing how numb I got, and how quickly it happened! I could still move my legs, but they were very heavy. My skin was totally numb - it was like being at the dentist and touching the side of my face and not being able to feel it. By this time, the next nurse came in (I forgot her name!! Kylie maybe?) and she was pretty nice. I was sad to see Lynette go, because we had made it all morning and I was hoping she’d be there to deliver the baby. They had me get into different positions with my legs propped up, hoping to get that last bit of cervix to open up. Lynette stuck around for a little bit to keep charting, but she eventually left around 4:15. I kept doing stuff with the peanut ball and finally around 5pm, the doctor came back in to check me. She was like, “Yep, we’re at 10cm! Looks like it’s time to start pushing!”

Pushing:

I was nervously like, “Oh, ok!” and looked over at Chris with panic in my eyes, hah. She and Kylie got my legs into the stirrups and described vaguely what I needed to be doing. I had to put my mask on for this part. By this time I was able to feel a weird pressure whenever there was a contraction, but it wasn’t painful. It felt a little bit like I needed to poop. Dr. Serrah said, “Ok, here’s another contraction. On the count of three, you’re going to push! One, two, three!” I pushed hard, and felt this warm fluid shoot out. I was super confused and thought that more amniotic fluid came out. Turns out, I peed everywhere!! Because of the epidural I couldn’t feel my bladder and I had no idea that I even had to go. They chuckled and I was SUPER embarrassed. They used a catheter and emptied my bladder (which I couldn’t feel at all, THANK GOD). We waited a couple more minutes, and then during the next contraction I pushed. It must’ve been a pretty weak couple of pushes, because Dr. Serrah was like, “Ok, well I’ll leave you with Kylie for a bit and she’ll help you work on those pushes!” and she rolled out. I was a little surprised, I thought pushing meant things would start happening quickly? Apparently not. With each contraction, I was taking super deep breaths, which made me cough, which prevented me from being able to push effectively. I finally got my breathing sorted out, and we worked out a system. I rolled on my side, and when a contraction came, I’d take a deep breath and push for ten seconds, then take a deep breath, then push for ten more seconds, take a deep breath, and then push one more time for ten seconds. We did this throughout three contractions, then I rolled onto my back and we repeated it. I finally got the hang of what correct pushing needed to feel like. It literally was like trying to push out a giant poop. That’s what it felt like. And it felt like the poop wasn’t getting ANY closer. Eventually I started to feel more discomfort with each push. I rotated to my right side, then to my left, then on my back...I don’t know how many times I pushed, but it was over an hour. Finally it was getting really painful and I asked Kylie if I could crank up the epidural a little more. She was like, “Oh, well, you’re going to feel some pressure. It’s not going to get rid of all the pain.” Ok, I can handle a lot of pressure. But as we went on, the pressure turned into the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. To the point where I was crying and pleading with Chris, saying that I was afraid to push and didn’t think I could do it because it was so painful. I was holding his hands and squeezing them so hard. Finally, something in me just gave in and I pushed through the pain. With each push, I locked eyes with Chris and he helped me through it. They kept saying “You’re so close, he’s nearly here! You’re so close!!” and I’d suffer through another push, but then he still wouldn’t be there. Then finally, as I was hitting my breaking point, they said, “PUSH!!” and I pushed and pushed and then there was this horrific pain and then I saw a head come out, and within seconds the rest of his body came out. Then within another few seconds, he was dried off and on my chest. It was amazing and so surreal. I was completely exhausted, but I had this tiny, slimy baby on my chest. Chris was next to me, just staring at Everett and sobbing. He was officially born at 1855. I delivered the placenta (which I vaguely felt) and then she started assessing the damage from delivery. Everett was so quiet and sweet, and Chris was taking videos of him. Because of his little head facing away and the position of my mask, I had no idea what he looked like. After 5 or so minutes, I said, “Chris, what does he look like? Can you show me a picture?” Chris took a picture and showed me on his phone. I saw a little wet face and two big eyes that were just looking around, taking in their new world. They had Chris cut the umbilical cord (which I think he didn’t really want to do, hahah) and then we all just laid there quietly. Chris sent pictures and videos to the family and we just soaked it all in.

While we were in baby bliss, there were lots of people bustling in and out of the room. The doctor told me that I had two tears and that she was stitching them up for me. I felt them and it hurt, but it seemed minuscule compared to what I had already gone through. After about an hour, they took Everett over to get weighed and measured. 8lbs 1oz, and 21 1/4 inches long. Our little boy!! They swaddled him up and gave him to Chris. Held him for the first time, and it was completely beautiful. I took a couple of pictures. He just held Everett and looked down at his tiny face. They gave him back to me and then a Mother Infant nurse came in to talk to us for a few minutes. They were going to give me more time to recover and be monitored, and then we were going to get rolled over to the MIU. I tried to nurse Everett and he did it for an hour! He probably only got like, three drops out, but it was so sweet and I just stared at him the entire time. We just kept lying around and soaking it all in until about 9:30pm, when we got wheeled over to our new room. We met our new nurse, Sam, and then got settled. Chris went to Sonic (one of the only restaurants open) and got me a cheeseburger and milkshake. I was starving and exhausted, but so so happy. We called our families and talked to them for a bit. Then we settled in for the night.

Recovery:

This part is kind of a blur, because all the days kind of melted together. We were there until Friday morning, when we got discharged. The first night I got mayyyybe three hours of sleep? I was in a bit of pain, and I knew I had to wake Everett up every 2 hours to feed him. Again, I felt like I had no milk and wasn’t really sure how to feed him, but I was doing my best. Chris slept on the window seat that doubled as a bed (we called it his “shelf,” haha). The nurse would pop in every few hours to check his and my vital signs, but for the most part she gave us space to sleep. She’d change his diaper and give me little tidbits. Everett was so sleepy and sweet, he hardly cried at all that entire night/next morning. Getting up to go to the bathroom was rough. I was in so much discomfort and to be honest, was afraid to pee. Haha. But I figured out the rhythm and things ended up being ok. The next morning there was shift change, and our new nurse (I forget her name) was very sweet and seemed kind of young. I wasn’t crazy about her at first, but she ended up being really nice and helpful as the day went on. 

A lactation consultant popped in in the afternoon and helped me with some basic things. Everett was a really sleepy eater and wouldn’t stay away for more than a few seconds at a time to eat. She gave me a lot of information and said off-handedly, “Oh, and sometime around the 24-hour mark he’ll start cluster feeding. So be prepared for that.” Ok, good to know? Wowww, she did not even remotely prepare me for what was going to happen. At that point in time, the only way I could tell that he was hungry was if he would open his mouth and root around, or make a clicking noise with his tongue. Around 3 or 4, he started to get hungry and wanted to eat. And eat. And I’d put him back in the bassinet, and then he’d want to eat some more. At this point, I’d only had like, 5 hours of sleep total over the past couple of days so I was getting pretty tired. Sometime around shift-change, we had a new nurse come in who was probably in her 60′s named Shirley and said, “Oh, I’m a lactation consultant! I can help you with x y z!” Well, then she left and I didn’t see her for hours. Everett’s feedings became longer and closer together. At one point, he just got so worked up and I got worked up. He was crying and screaming and I was crying. I just didn’t know what to do, and I was so tired. Every time I put him down, all he wanted to do was eat again. Soon it was after midnight and we still hadn’t seen our nurse. I didn’t want to hit the call bell for help (I just felt like it was stupid, like, “Help, my baby is crying,” I didn’t want to bother her I guess). Our nurse from the first night, Sam, happened to walk by and heard Everett’s screams (hah). She came in to see if we were ok and was surprised that Everett and I were a total mess. She took Everett and calmed him down, then re-swaddled him. She told me that with clusterfeeding, sometimes babies can smell their moms and want to keep eating, even if they’re not hungry. She said she’d come back around in about 45 minutes and take Everett to the nursery so we could get some sleep. She left and must’ve told our nurse Shirley that I was upset because she came in and was like, “Ohh, I’m so sorry, you should’ve hit your bell! I didn’t know you were having such a hard time in here!” She gave me some tips that were a little helpful and then eventually left. Sam came by around 1:30 and took Everett. He screamed and cried and I could hear him going all the way down the hall. I was crying and saying to Chris, “They’re not going to get him to calm down and he’ll have to come back and I won’t get any sleep at all.” Chris, of course, was calm and collected and said, “Nope, they know what they’re doing. Just get some sleep.” And luckily, he was totally right - I conked out and slept hard for three and a half hours. Same brought him back and said that as soon as they settled him in the nursery, he immediately stopped crying and fell right asleep. I was so, so grateful for the rest. She came in and checked on us a couple more times during the night, and it was so nice. I liked her the best out of all my nurses.

Around 5:30, a pediatrician came bustling into the room and grabbed Everett (who had been nursing for about an hour - I was exhausted and sore) and he  assessed him, got him all worked up, then haphazardly swaddled him and handed him back to me. Poor Everett was crying and flailing his little arms and started screaming. The pediatrician said, “Man, that kid’s got a set of lungs!” I asked him to give us some guidance on Covid, and he just flopped down on the window seat next to Chris and started talking about the “orientals” wearing masks and how not many babies or children had contracted the virus that they knew of. He basically said that we shouldn’t worry too much, and then left. We weren’t sure how much we should trust him. Chris re-swaddled Everett and we got some sleep before shift change came in. 

[porterblt]

Cluster.

Today was hard. Really hard. Everett started cluster feeding sometime in the middle of the night, and didn’t stop until....1pm? I am so tired. I can’t believe I love this little one so much, but he puts me through so much hardship. Haha.

Mornings are really hard right now, not exactly sure why - but I know that the awful feeling of hopelessness starts to creep in and the dark thoughts are not too far away. I had a strange half-dream that I was with Chris and told him that I couldn’t do it anymore. I ran into my parents’ closet (?) and grabbed a belt, I guess to hang myself. It was completely awful. I woke myself up and I just keep trying to shake it. I have never been suicidal, and even now with this depression I’m nowhere near that...but I keep lingering on thoughts of death for some reason and am super sensitive to sad things right now. I didn’t tell Chris any of that; I think it would really worry him. I just am so sleep deprived, but when I try to sleep I physically can’t get very far. I laid down for nearly two hours and barely scratched the surface of sleep. 

The weather was BEAUTIFUL today, and I spent the whole day wishing I could sleep and feeling sad. That in itself was enough to keep me from positive thoughts. I’m hoping to go to bed on the earlier side tonight, and take a benadryl to make things happen quickly.

Julie met Everett today, and it was a whole thing. I’ll have to write about it tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be a better day. Tomorrow will be a better day.