potato-by-moonlight - Tumblr blog

[potato-by-moonlight]

20240415

In the low 130s for the first time in a decade and im spirally harder than last time

I looked at myself in the mirror and was dumbfounded at what i saw

“Is that really what i look like?”

“Is that really me?”

Its sad that i weigh a few lbs less now and i cant stop GLARING at the parts of myself i see in the mirror today

I dont feel small enough or skinny enough or smooth enough and

And

And

And-

-

-

-

A

And my new therapist recommend me a nutritionalist

And suggested and ed support group

She heard me the first time i asked for help and she believed me and she did something about it

It feels like i might finally be sick enough

[potato-by-moonlight]

Im missing you again even though you’re on the couch downstairs

I feel like were worlds apart when were right next to one another

Were in different time zones living in the same house

I feel more at ease with the smell of your soap on your pillows and your voice echo through the wall than the body that lays next to me sometimes

[potato-by-moonlight]

“Thanks for being here. Even though its not easy.”

08.07.22

[potato-by-moonlight]

It doesnt upset me that you say no or not right now

It upsets me that you only say no or not right now

After you said yes

And i wasnt ready

So i put in effort to make myself feel like someone

Who was pretty enough and cute enough and sexy enough

For someone like you to want to say yes to

And then when i ask you

Thats when you say no

Every time

Without fail

But i say no or not right now to you

Because i look at myself and i dont feel like im someone who deserves to share that space with you

I need to take the time to talk myself up and change my face and do my hair and spray perfume

And then you say no or not right now

When i finally feel like i might be worthy of you

[potato-by-moonlight]

I speak only a language i understand

And its so exhausting

Being the only one i can converse with

My therapist asks me questions i dont have the answer to

And all my television shows are indecipherable

I have to read facial expressions and body language

But someone labelled all the cards wrong

So when i think something is okay its not

And my only reference is the me in the mirror

Shes not a trustworthy source

She cant speak with others

Cant hold conversations with anyone but herself

Even then she fights over and over to make it flow in her head the way she thinks it should

But it still doesnt make sense

Nothing is quite right and i never know until its too late

Because her smile is backwards and i didnt notice

So ive been copying all these emotions wrong this whole time

When i really mean to say “lonely” i say “bored”

and “scared” comes out “restless”

I dont even know how to read my own emotions

Much less yours

So please forgive me

If what i say doesnt make sense

My dictionary is out of date and im working with what i have

Yet thats not enough for some

And it wont make sense to most

[potato-by-moonlight]

I dont miss you.

I dont miss your smile or your eyes or your laugh. I dont miss the way you would ask me to come over or see what i wanted to eat. I dont miss you waking up before me every morning. I dont miss you.

I hate you.

I hate you because of the things you would say to me and about me and around me. I hate you because you would act like you were better than me even though we were both fucked up in our own ways. I hate you because you saw how much i was hurting and you didnt think to help.

You dont get to live your life as a bad person and then be remembered as a good one.

[potato-by-moonlight]

Ive had this waist trainer for two+ years and today i closed it as small as it goes for the first time

[potato-by-moonlight]

From roughly 190 lbs in Feb 2019 to roughly 148 lbs in Dec 2021….

[potato-by-moonlight]

The mental disorder and i held hands again today. Its been so long since weve gone on a walk together, but seeing it was like coming home. I was standing in the sunlight but i couldnt feel the warmth of its rays. All i could feel was the cold of my disorders shadow.

I didnt eat last night, i drank instead. Breakfast was water because i put off brushing my teeth. He called me around lunch time and i eventually ate. One ice cream sandwich, a dozen handfuls of popcorn, two cans of soda because were out of water and my mouth hurts.

We had a weird moment on a call while he drove home from work. He hung up and said hed call back but he never did. He got me taco bell, although i wasnt hungry. I ate it, because he was trying to make peace.

We ordered smoothies to celebrate our last night here. Subconsciously i got a “skinny” one with “metabolic enhancers” i didnt know i wanted. He found more bottles of water that i can drink.

The storms knocked the power out a few times, but we managed to watch tv for a while. I bleached his hair, painted his nails, and put glitter on his face. He had dinner around midnight, and i ate too but i still wasnt very hungry. He had a family sized frozen dinner and i ate the 8 oz salad he ordered from red robin for me a few days ago. The three croutons were soft and soggy but i ate them anyway.

I weighed myself at 1 am after filling myself with bottle after bottle of water. The scale said 166 but i bet itll be lower in the morning. I havent weighed myself regularly since we moved. It felt odd, like i was doing someone elses job. A few days ago i stepped on but i was scared to see the number. 164, three pounds lighter than when we got down here. I know the two ive gained are probably water. Water is the only thing that makes my mouth hurt less, but when i drink so much i dont remember hunger.

The mental disorder and i held hands again today.

[potato-by-moonlight]

Feeling Sizes—a…poem? A letter?? Idk

I hate shopping for clothes

Because its so hard to find my size

I have to try before i buy

And with a world of fear thats impossible

Im a small in happiness

A large in anxiety

My stress is an 8

But my exhaustion is a 16

Growing up my hope was a 9 1/2

But over the years it shrunk to a 3

I once saw a thread

About how mens mediums fit every body type

And thats true for me too

If the medium is in fear from men

My love is queen sized

But the sheets dont fit because theyre made from trauma

And when i look in the mirror

I see my strength as an xxl

But in person it feels like an xxs

I dont know if ill ever fit into the same size of anything

But skipping affection and kindness will never help me put back on the smile i used to wear

My new daily made my negatives more extreme no matter how much money i spent

And i cant explain to others than putting on the old and worn down clothes i used to wear is so much easier than finding the new me

I cant describe how notching my belt a little looser for hurt is getting too familiar

And im tired of being tired

Im sad from being sad

And i just want to put on an old feeling like safe and it be the right size

But i dont even remember how safe looks on my body anymore

—a note to the me from today, pushing for a better me tomorrow

[potato-by-moonlight]

I cut for the first time in almost a year, and i felt so horrible. David came home from a 12 and i was bawling and i know he was exhausted but he held me while i cried and gave me time to calm down before i showed him what i did. I know he wants to know what happened but i dont even know and that upsets me so much and i dont wanna be fucked up any more

[potato-by-moonlight]

This time last year i was severely depressed.

Next week marks one year since i tried to kill myself. I had just dumped my cheating bf. I was rejected by someone i had crushed on for years. I was constantly drinking. I was starving myself and over exercising to hopefully lose weight. I was self harming. I was miserable to be around, constantly snapped at people, had horrible attendence at work, and only spent time w my dog and by myself.

Next week marks 7 months w my current bf, who treats me well and is kind. Now im happily just friends w the guy who rejected me. I talk to my friends more regularly. I dont drink nearly as often and when i do its usually a small amount. I gained back some of the weight i lost but ive been maintaining w in 5 lbs for several months. I try to eat healthy but even when i dont i at least feed my body. I havent self harmed since march (at the latest). My attendance at work improved exponentially and im currently training for a promotion (and move!) in a few weeks. My bf and i are looking for apartments/houses for rent and are going to move in together. I am working on getting in to see a therapist.

Not everything is perfect, and i dont expect it to be. But im in a much better place now than i was a year ago. Things have gotten better. I have a great support system. And im so glad that ive been here even just this much longer.

[potato-by-moonlight]

2020111

Im far from skinny, and weigh about the same i did this time last year (before i stress-lost fifteen pounds and hated myself less) but i looked in the mirror at myself and almost liked what i saw. For a split second i didn’t hate myself as much as usual. And that’s a start

[potato-by-moonlight]

Me and my bf shoppinf for jeans

Me: while your looking at jeans im gonna check out these graphic tees

Him: ooh!

Me: no, go look at jeans

Him: i dont know what these words mean...relaxed fit sounds like my sexuality

[potato-by-moonlight]

20200831

The most upsetting thing about my old account getting terminated is that i had so many personal entries on there (esp about my relationship) that i wanted to be able to look back on in the future and im gonna miss those

david was super sweet and asked if there was any way i could get my account back but i know i cant so im just keeping this one specifically as a general diary

Hes so sweet i cant