potatoandrice-blog

[potatoandrice-blog]

Some words stay in your head long after they’re spoken.

Robin Roe; A List of Cages (via sunsetquotes)

[potatoandrice-blog]

‘nobody touch me!’ they yell at everyone while holding each other’s hands

[potatoandrice-blog]

1

[potatoandrice-blog]

HAPPY 20GAYTEEN PEOPLE!

[potatoandrice-blog]

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) sounds great

[potatoandrice-blog]

Temporary

[potatoandrice-blog]

[potatoandrice-blog]

1228170201

I dont want to fight anymore or am I even trying to fight I just want to sleep forget it all I dont even know who I am or who I was I just want to see things and life positively but I just cant It feels like I, myself, am blocking my own eyes from all the colors that life has to offer or probably life has nothing to offer to me Sometime I feel worthless not sometimes but Most of the time. I dont know how I survived being like this I dont know how I managed to be this twenty-one years old human being working, "busy" just like other people just like her peers. I dont have a life yes, I dont I know that for sure. I am doing things, stuff, on the daily without a hint of motivation yes I can laugh I can smile but I know inside Its not right Something about me is not right It was never right I have no one to talk to. I do have a family but I dont think they will understand I know they just wouldnt, because I tried. When I was 3 years younger I thought of drinking bleach yep bleach but before that I tried talking to them I tried telling them that I was not feeling well that I was not happy. Their response "youre over reacting" or "youre just saying that because you are lazy, you dont want responsibility" Right there and then I knew no one will ever understand me or how I feel then I laughed to myself I cant even understand myself so what am I expecting Then that time I thought "yea time to go to the bathroom and have a shot of that bleach" Might be funny to some people but it is never to me. While I was in the bathroom with that bleach in my hand I look at myself one last time and I cried I cried so hard I cant do it I dont know why I wanted to leave this place for good but I can never do it

Why am I such a coward

Then I remained a puppet I cant decide on my own for years I am afraid of stepping outside without getting someones approval I dont know I just feel like I have to or maybe Im just used to it. Not being able to decide for myself because I am Afraid I am a Coward I can never standup on my own because everything insidey head is fucked up like this world that we are living at. Or am I  even living? For years I have to keep it all in. Until now I dont know how to deal with everything I may seem like a normal person getting up every morning get dressed for work be at work try to communicate with people work going home from work sleep and do it again the next day. This routine is driving me mad so mad to the point where I regret not drinking that bleach 3 years ago. I never really liked the course that I took up in college, but still continued taking it because I need that diploma and I dont want to disappoint the people around me I end up disappointing myself but hey, I graduated but I was not happy I was never happy. I looked for a job right after college Landed in a pretty decent job Offers a good amount of compensation but it can never compensate my thirst for happiness but I still accept the job because I again I dont want to disappoint the people around me Now I dont know what Im doing with my life anymore Its 2 am, and I am feeling the emptiness not that same emptiness that I feel everyday This is a different kind of emptiness I dont know how to explain it because it hurts I can physically feel my chest clenching it hurts so much that I thriving for air to breathe and I know WOW this is my solution get my laptop and try to write write all of this non sense maybe because I am hoping that it will somehow ease the pain, a little bit because I have no one to talk to no physical living human being to converse with and share my feelings with 2018 is fast approaching and Im very scared I am fucking scared I dont know what am I scared of but I can feel this anxiety eating me away This is more than struggling I dont even know if there is a word to describe what I am feeling right now or what I am feeling for the last 4 years For the past months I dont know what I want in  my life what I want to be now I may have an idea of what  I really want or may need I want to be happy I want that genuine happiness that happiness that I felt when I was younger that feeling when I was watching anime during afternoon I want to feel that again Seems very imposible now The only thing that I can do is reminisce but I can not reminisce the feeling there is nothing just plain black and hurting I remember when I was nine I said to myself that I want to be a writer or a director or anyone that's behind the camera or stage assisting artist and all that jazz Seems fun to me. When I was in highschool I firmly said to myself that I want to be a writer that I want to write a book that is going to inspire people, I want to be at least like my favorite author at the moment. And that shit remained a dream. I really dont want to blame anyone I dont want to blame my parents for not allowing me to follow that dream of mine I dont want to blame them for making me to follow "their" dreams There is no one to blame but me I am a coward I have no voice I am too afraid of standing up on my own it is me who made myself like this I am a failure I just cant feel anything but pain and sometimes disappointment with myself It is now 2:30 and I am regretting every decisions that I have made for that last couple of years or I would not even call it decisions It were all just a stupid move plain stupidity and cowardness Like I have no purpose Hell, I dont have a purpose I feel like a rock has a lot more purpose than my existence. I am never living I am just trying and thriving to exist I need to go I need to die and rot along with all the trash in that shitty pit. I dont want to continue this anymore I am so tired

[potatoandrice-blog]

-yoongi babe…. I’m pregnant - smiles-

-uh… Hoseok… We are both male.