potatocrispsodainsane

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*in a masc way* hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

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call me Brix'd up the way my penis got a light bend

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realtor whose entire career is just selling (and re-selling and re-selling) the same haunted house

it transpires this is a longstanding con, in which the house (which is hugely haunted) is an active participant

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So. The gender post.

I have always been interested in crossdressing. Like, as far back as I can remember. When I was a kid, I dressed up as a grandma for halloween, when I was a little older I would try on clothes and make myself look like a girl, and then I learned that there were names for that and I could buy clothes for it specifically, and tried being a femboy.

I have also always been dissatisfied with my body. I've always been heavier than I wanted, I never liked having facial hair, could never quite love my physical form. It's something I've always been self-conscious about.

Lately, I've taken it a step further and explored the idea of being trans without taking steps in real life to trial-run it. I have not had time to trial-run things, and I simply don't have the wardrobe right now for it either. I have too many things going on in my life right now to deal with this properly, so I've engaged with it passively, in the form of random thoughts and fantasy.

It is much easier to explore these things that way than it is to put on a dress in real life and look yourself in the mirror. You don't have to look at yourself and feel stupid. You don't have to put in energy or time. You don't have to do the work to get it right, and you don't have to really confront it. You can crash out here and there on the internet but it's something that can stay in the back burner.

The effect of this is that a biased representation of myself and my thoughts is presented to the tumblr audience. If you took a look through the posts I've made, it's perfectly fair to say something along the lines of "this person is transgender, suffers from dysphoria, and should start HRT."

Some very close friends in real life have said the same--people who I've lived with or speak with every day. People who know me. They've also said the opposite. There is no consistent overall consensus. Thankfully, though, there is consistent support.

I don't think I can say whether anyone has an accurate assessment of my situation because I do not have my own accurate assessment of my situation for baseline comparison. I am constantly under the influence of external pressures from other people and other people's expectations--I have friends who would tell me I am making the wrong decision, family who would support me either way, a world that would probably throw bricks at me, friends who would tell me I should try it, and a crowd of tumblr people who are mostly convinced I am a woman.

My best assessment of it is as follows: I am 75% happy as a man, and I would be 90% happy as a woman. I would be 80% happy as a more fit, better-taken-care-of man, who has gone through a round or two of laser. I do not currently believe that the 5% I would gain is worth the trouble, the side effects, the stigma, and the losses of transition. There's easier ways to achieve satisfaction with my body--ways that do not include the addition of constant medical intervention to alter my ground state.

I still need to scratch that itch, though. I am going to go buy a dress and wear it to pride, I'm going to get a girl haircut, I'm going to buy women's clothing and add it to my regular rotation, I've already got those gay little glasses, I'm going to continue to shave my legs, I'm going to have a girl fursona. I'm going to keep he/they in all of my bios. This is a part of me and it always has been.

Who knows. Maybe I'll revisit this some time, maybe in a year, maybe in ten, probably some day when I'm not working 10 hours a day 6.5 days a week and living in someone else's home or grinding out a 4.0 GPA and juggling three clubs. I just hope to god I'm not bald by then :)

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Happy Pride to y'all who support months in the year

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I went to a library book sale this weekend and I found a very old book called “Electronic Life: How to Think About Computers,” which was published in I think 1975? I’ve been reading it kind of like how I would read a historical document, and it’s lowkey fascinating

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I'm slowly becoming the evil twin version of younger me

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The full thing for anyone who wants it!

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Intro post (⁠｡⁠•̀⁠ᴗ⁠-⁠)⁠✧

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reblog to teleport your mutuals to a massive party when jkr dies

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When ur mutuals w/ some cool ass people rb if u agree

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kyaaaa I'm late to vampire school *runs out while holding a dude by the neck in my mouth*

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No one in this DMV knows I’m thinking about men getting railed

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Been playing way too much sea of thieves recently and just running hourglass to get guild rep, but my stars is that stuff horrible, fight people who have no clue to golden skeletons, and I can't hit any of my chainshot, genuinely if one more Athena arena player pushes my crap in while I'm trying to get use to the scatter shot I'm going to cry