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i be upset i get nothing done and then take 10 hour naps like a little baby

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Two boys talked on the playground about who was stronger: a kitten or a puppy. "For the sake of fairness, let's say they're both the size of a pea," one boy said. "Agreed," said the other boy. "It's only fair."

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In bed with my pill

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when you go to bed significantly earlier than usual, a little menu should pop up asking if you want Wake Up Early or More Sleep. and then you should get what you requested. that's my human body UI improvement for the day.

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legitimately my first feminist awakening as a ten year old child was realizing that girls were expected to respect “boy stuff” but boys were never expected to respect “girl stuff”

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"gay or european" also goes for middle-aged women btw. that lady with short hair no makeup and sneakers isn't a lesbian she's just german

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“nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”

damn you must suck at cooking. check out some youtube tutorials man. i believe in you.

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wait do you guys actually carry purses/bags everywhere you go i really need to know

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this is the funniest thing i've read in my entire life

ranking the best things I have heard surgeons say mid-surgery:

1. "Five second rule!" while scrubbed, after dropping a sterile scalpel on the floor (no they did NOT pick it up again but I swear everyone's buttholes puckered)

2. (spoken during the closing of a particularly long and difficult case) "Nurse - my tunes." :heavy metal starts blasting:

3. Gently to a fretful patient, pre-anaesthesia: "It's going to be okay. I promise, I've dealt with worse." As soon as the patient is unconscious: "This is literally the worst thing I've ever seen."

4. [okay this one was a med student] "Wowwww, that's so gross!!" Reg: "Please remember that [patient] is awake for this procedure." Student to patient: "Oh my god. I am so sorry, that was really unprofessional - " Patient, cheerfully, also engrossed with what's happening inside them on the screen: "Nah - it's, like, super gross, right?"

5. [another procedure where the patient couldn't be put under GA] Patient: *starts singing country roads midway through the procedure* Surgeon: *shrugs and joins in with surprisingly good harmony*

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like yes tampons should be free??? and Yes ur life saving medication should be too??? just like how basic dental care should be??? just because women say one thing should be free doesn't mean other things shouldn't be???? people are only using this saying because it's women asking for free tampons???? why are people mad that women want free tampons??? women also want free healthcare???? free life saving meds??? be real???? why do men want to make women out to be the villain???

"If tampons should be free, then so should my diabetes meds."

Yes? Yes they should be? Your life-saving medication that you need in order to live for a condition you were born with should be given to you at no cost?

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"If tampons should be free, then so should my diabetes meds."

Yes? Yes they should be? Your life-saving medication that you need in order to live for a condition you were born with should be given to you at no cost?

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hey, don't cry. marbled polecat, ok?

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aww ur touch starved? well *fucking punches u in the face* KNUCKLE SANDWICH! EAT IT *continues to fucking punch u in the face*

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tbh from my perspective if i had a vision or a dream of a hot unmedicated schizophrenic girl wanting me to join her cannibalistic ritual after a plane wreck, i'd do everything in my power to make sure that plane goes DOWN

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lets be pointy with mama

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Let’s lay on mama