pregnanttangerine

[pregnanttangerine]

Birth of a little bird

So the last month of my first pregnancy was very full but mostly uneventful in the lens of the pregnancy itself. I finished my linear algebra class with an A (although I had cautiously taken it pass-fail so that A did nothing for my GPA, but I was happy enough with it). We did Christmas. I took my insurance license exam and passed on almost no sleep on New Years Eve . We did New Years. I took my leave from work coinciding with the new year. I spent a week very antsy and bored yet tired? Just waiting around for a baby to come. The doctor set up an appointment to induce just in case. I waited.

Then on the evening of 7th of January, I started getting contractions. They were crampy, like my whole belly was tightening up for a few seconds, but not unbearable. Boyfriend and I played Call of Duty for an hour or so. We timed them. They were still pretty far apart and it started getting late. I told him we should go to bed. He fell asleep and I dozed, waking up when I was gripped with a particularly strong contraction. At about 1am I was starting to get them pretty close together, so I woke him up and told him we should make our way to the hospital. We got the bags and made our way to his car and got in. Just before we left, he realized that he wasn’t wearing the right shoes (sidenote: this is very characteristic of my boyfriend both to have a proper pair of shoes planned for the delivery of his child, and to have forgotten to wear them thus needing to run in and change at the last second). So he ran inside to correct his footwear. As I waited in the passenger seat of his Jetta, my water broke. So after he got back in his proper shoes I sent him back once more to get a towel, and then we were finally off.

We arrived at a quiet middle-of-the-night hospital. We had previously toured so we would know where to go, and went straight for labor and delivery. At this point the contractions were pretty strong and getting uncomfortable, but I was able to breathe through them and felt much better when I was able to walk than I had sitting in the car.

They took me into triage and laid me on my back which made me pretty uncomfortable. The admitting nurse checked the fluid that pooled around my feet and confirmed that my water had broken. She checked my cervix and was surprised to see that I was already at 6cm, and noted this baby was probably coming soon. They took my blood pressure and it was high. This is when things went sideways. Because my blood pressure was high, they wanted to do a blood draw, and they also wanted to get me on an IV. I was having pretty significant swelling at this point, and I will give these nurses the benefit of the doubt that it was me and not them, but they could NOT find my veins. Proceed with fifteen minutes of various women sticking me with needles over and over in various locations while contractions racked me in the most uncomfortable position possible. I was in pain and I wanted to move, but they wouldn’t let me until they hit those veins that were alluding them. Finally someone called in the anesthesiologist, and bless his talented heart he got that IV in where it needed to go

At this point I was clearly in pain writhing on my back and groaning like a heifer in heat, and the staff are telling me they will get me something for the pain. As the doc finally gets my IV in yet another nurse stressfully announces that communication is down with the pharmacy and they are unable to get whatever opioid relief they had sent for. One of the nurses tells me they can just get my epidural now instead and in desperation I agree.

I didn’t talk about my birth plan in my previous posts, but I had decided on delaying the epidural. The reason being is the opposite of what I had been experiencing: being able to move is good for labor. It is good for getting the baby into position, it is good for working through the pain, and it let’s you do things that can give relief like get under a soothing shower or curl up in a child pose or whatever makes you feel better. When you are numb from the waist down, you can’t really do any of that stuff.

While I was desperate to ease my discomfort, I had been told this baby was coming soon. Everything in triage had been rushed. So much urgency to get me hooked up on my IV, get my blood tested, get me into the delivery room, it all felt like this was about to happen NOW. So while I went along without question when the epidural was suggested, I didn’t really feel like I wasn’t delaying it either.

I barely remember the epidural. I remember them swabbing me with numby stuff and telling me to be really still. I had so much fear of this big shot in the backbone during the months leading up to my labor, and it turns out it was the most insignificant part of the whole thing.

The epidural worked its wonders and I went numb. I was flooded with relief. I could no longer feel my contractions. The pain ebbed away and all of the adrenaline and stress melted off of me and suddenly I was in a nice dark room with my boyfriend in the earliest hours of the morning and I was exhausted. We called my parents and my best friend to let them know it was time for baby, and I slept.

I lose track of time here. I don’t know how many hours I slept. My parents showed up at some point. Brittany drove down from LA and came in the morning of the 8th but I don’t remember what time. My boyfriend got a migraine. He ate crappy Carls Jr from down the street, and vomited in the delivery room bathroom. Their presence is a blur. Only three people were allowed in the room at a time, so sometimes it was my parents, sometimes one of them with Brittany, my boyfriend was always there of course. They hovered and would sometimes be at my bedside, rubbing my back or my leg. I was comforted by having them there, but also they seemed far away, almost like I was scary to them and they didn’t want to get too close. I yearned for someone to hold me, but I’m sure it wasn’t easy with me being hooked up to wires and tubes and all.

In between it all I was visited my nurses and doctors. I wasn’t allowed to eat, but I could have popsicles. They would turn me from one side to another to keep the epidural from pooling on one side or the other. They would take my blood pressure, they would take my temperature, they gave me medicines. At one point a nurse checked my cervix and said I was 4cm. This still confuses me to this day. Did I reverse? Was the first nurse wrong in her estimate? How did I go backwards in dilation? The epidural had lessened my contractions and this lovely nurse told me with unveiled contempt that I wasn’t even in labor and if my water hadn’t broken they would have sent me home.

After awhile someone came in and noted that frequent checks of my cervix increased the chance of infection, and since I hadn’t progressed in my labor they recommended starting on Pitocin. While I had heard nothing but horror about Pitocin, I was feeling tired and oddly guilty that I had been taking up everyone’s time to nap in the delivery room, so I agreed.

A few hours later I was having contractions again and I was feeling them. I kept smashing the epidural button and at some point it maxed and I was still in pain. An anesthesiologist came in and topped me off. More hours of contractions. Slowly I progressed again up to 8cm. The epidural wore off. I was topped off again. They upped my Pitocin. My contractions started getting very strong. They were having trouble monitoring my baby from the belly band and placed an internal monitor. 

Somewhere in the late hours of the 8th I was back in pain again. The pressure in my pelvis was tremendous. I felt like I was holding in the largest poo I had ever needed to take and I just wanted to go. I had been stuck at 8cm for hours but everything in my body was telling me to push. I didn’t think I was pushing but I kept getting scolded to NOT push and that if I did push I risked rupturing my cervix. For some reason I correlated the pain with the internal monitor. I was sure the thing was making my contractions more painful. I begged for them to take it out. Around this time I began to run a low grade fever of about 100. 

Another anesthesiologist came in and told me that the doctors were recommending an emergency C-Section. My fever meant I was risking sepsis, and I was still sitting at just 8cm. My baby was positioned backwards, with her spine up against my spine, when ideally her spine would be up against my belly button. We were both under tremendous strain but she wasn’t budging through my pelvis at that angle. The anesthesiologist told me that the epidural would be less and less effective since I had already been topped off so many times. I cried and nodded. She let me know that the anesthesia for the C-Section would feel different, and might feel like I can’t breathe because I wouldn’t feel my lungs expanding, but she assured me as long as I could talk I could breathe. She got down beside me and held my hand. She put her face close to my face and she told me to think of a calm spot where I would feel safe. I told her I thought of the beach. She asked me if I liked margaritas and I told her I do. She told me to picture myself on my favorite beach with a margarita in my hand. She told me to think of the smell of the sea and the taste of the drink and the cold glass in my hand. She pulled my mind out of the room and onto the beach and I began to ease in my pain and lose the unbearable feeling of helplessness that had gripped me. I wish I knew that doctor’s name. I would have loved to have sent her a thank you note and I would send her Christmas cards forever. She was an absolute angel when I needed one badly. 

I remember describing this to my best friend later, and she had noted that she looked around at the rest of them in the room with me and they felt she was calming them down too. I didn’t voice it because I had no interest in guilting anyone, but I wondered if that doctor wasn’t looking to them to tell them THIS is what THEY were supposed to be doing rather than spreading around the comfort.... I took a birthing class and in the first one I had my mom with me and the doula leading it taught this exact technique for the partner of the pregnant woman. I went home and told my boyfriend about it (he had to work that night) and it was reviewed the following class. Yet neither my mom nor my boyfriend did anything like this during all those hours. I don’t blame them when suddenly in that stressful situation, and I certainly wouldn’t expect bestie to know it, but damn that shit WORKS. If I ever end up in delivery with a friend I’m jumping right in and doing the damn thing because as intimate and awkward as it might be feel it really is effective. I only wish I could have had my own wits about me to understand and voice what I needed at the time.

So shortly thereafter parents and best friend were ushered back to the waiting room, while boyfriend and I were prepped for surgery. We were separate while he was washed up and given scrubs, and I was wheeled into another room. I was introduced to my surgeon and yet another anesthesiologist. He explained that I needed a spinal rather than an epidural because I needed to be numbed further up my abdomen than the epidural had done but that he could administer through the same port. He gave me the medicine and waited a few minutes. After awhile he tested for sensation and I still had feeling on my belly. He seemed astonished that I would feel anything, gave it a few minutes more and tried again, and I felt it. He poked me with a needle, saw me jump, and shook is head in disbelief. I needed yet more drugs. My labor and delivery nurses painstakingly propped me into a seated position and barely kept me from wobbling as the anesthesiologist administered the spinal.

Then I was NUMB. I lost all feeling in my abdomen. Then my neck. Then my face. I could feel nothing. I was wheeled into the operating room and met back up with my boyfriend who sat just behind my head to the right of me, with the anesthesiologist sat directly behind me. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t move anything. I couldn’t feel myself breathing, and mentally ran over the angel anesthesiologist’s words over and over like a mantra in my head to avoid falling into a complete panic. I cannot describe how awful this type of paralysis is, to be fully conscious but unable to feel or move anything. The anesthesiologist asked how I was doing, and with horror I realized I couldn’t talk. Suddenly my mantra seemed shaky since I couldn’t talk maybe I wasn’t breathing??? With tremendous concentration and effort I mouthed that I can’t talk. He couldn’t understand me, I tried again. His eyebrows wrinkled in concern and he assured me I was alright.

I was so exhausted from the effort of trying to stay calm. I don’t really remember much about what was happening during the surgery. I vaguely remember my boyfriend looking anxiously back and forth from the operation to me. For some reason I remember a sheet being laid over my face, but that might have been the anesthesia/paralysis instead of an actual sheet? At one point the anesthesiologist seemed to notice my effort and let me know it was ok if I fell asleep. I think I dozed then, but probably not for very long.

Then I heard her cry. A tiny high pitched sigh of a noise in the middle of conversation and machine beeps and I was flooded by relief. My boyfriend left my side and I waited in my drowsy immobility for them to bring her to me. The moment didn’t come. After a few minutes my boyfriend’s worried face reappeared in my vision. He told me that she had come out with fluid in her lungs and they were taking her to the NICU. He asked me if he should stay with me or go with her, I whispered for him to go.

And then I was alone with a room full of strangers. I had no more worry or panic left in me. I was filled with a lonely apathy as I dozed in and out of consciousness.  I remember the casual work-place conversation between the surgeon and attending nurses and doctors as they chatted about the colleges they attended. It seemed so surreal and a part of me was sure I was dying, that I had exerted all I had to give and was slipping away and that it was ok because my daughter was born and alive her dad was with her and he would do whatever needed to be done.

After however long I had been sewn up and was wheeled to yet another room for recovery. Slowly the anesthesia wore off enough that I was able to speak and move my head to look around me. I was in a long line of empty beds and one of the nurses that had been with me sat typing at a computer. The nurse let me know I was to rest there for some given amount of time while she monitored me and then I would be taken to my room. I asked when I would be able to see my daughter or if she knew anything about her condition. She told me she wasn’t sure but it would be awhile until I could see her because they had to wait for the anesthesia to wear off completely. After what seemed like an excruciatingly long time, my boyfriend came in to see me.

He showed me a picture of my baby. The first time I saw her was an image on my boyfriend’s cell phone. She was so tiny with a surprising amount of dark hair and big alert dark eyes. She had tape across her face holding a breathing tube in place. My heart ached to see her. It didn’t seem real seeing a photograph of her. I was supposed to be with her. How could she be ok in some other room on some other floor far away from her mother. I cried with joy in seeing her and sadness at how far away she seemed. We looked at each other and we both agreed that we now knew what to name her. All of her hospital labels and plaques said “Baby Girl Phelps,” but her birth certificate would eventually read Rosalie Jenn Enriquez.

I had to wait a full day before I was able to see her. I was taken to my recovery room with a massive TV and was revisited by my parents and best friend. I was told with amusement how my mother viewed the photo of my daughter the first time and squealed with delight, “a little Mexican baby!” The day dragged on, I gained sensation and then discomfort but wasn’t in too much pain. I was only anxious to meet my kid. Eventually a nurse said I should be able to see her soon, but they had to find someone to take me down in a wheelchair. This maybe took a half hour to an hour? I’m not too sure, but it felt like forever. I remember being irritated that my boyfriend couldn’t do it since he had already been down to see her several times and was perfectly capable of pushing a wheelchair, but some protocol required a professional to do it.

Finally, a nurse came in to wheel me down. I was so anxious going down the elevator, rolling down the hall, getting checked into NICU, getting a name tag... just let me see my baby already! At last I was wheeled into a tiny room with a little plastic crib and encountered a male NICU nurse holding my daughter. He handed her to me, I know he told me that she was doing great and should be released to be in the room with me soon, that she had been drinking a bottle, encouraging me to nurse, etc, but all I really remember was the shock of seeing her for the first time. 

It’s impossible to put into words. To say it was a “rush of love” in the way I so often hear described by new parents falls flat. That sounds too cuddly, too mushy, too soft. This feeling was fierce. My life revolted away from everything it had been in an instant. In one moment my whole world tipped on its side and revolved around this one tiny person. I was faced with all of the joy and love inside me and all of the fear and anxiety inside me all at once, with a deep knowledge that this was to be the way it was for the rest of my life, and she was looking up at me and SEEING me. She was laid on my chest against my skin and I was so overwhelmed with relief that we were finally together I could have stayed there in that tiny room holding her like that for an eternity. 

I don’t remember what roused me into leaving eventually. I know it took about another half of a day for them to release her from NICU to stay with me. My boyfriend and I alternated carrying for her, making our novice attempts at swaddling her and changing her diapers. She wouldn’t latch and I began what would become a grueling 8 week journey of constant pumping and an eventual frenectomy in my determination to breastfeed that eventually paid off. 

We had a few visitors, friends and family from both sides. All were taken aback at how CUTE she was. I kept thinking I was obviously biased but I heard it from everyone. Nurses would pop in unscheduled just to look at her. I was told over and over that she was the cutest baby in the hospital. One nurse in particular was so doting I joked with my boyfriend that we had to keep an eye on her or she’d walk off with her one of these stops.  I forget that often newborns spend their first few weeks rarely opening her eyes, because my daughter was constantly looking around her. It seemed like she was able to see much more than newborns are able to, because she would snap her eyes in the direction of sounds and voices like she could see across the room. She had a musical high-pitched cry unlike how most newborns cry as well. When the resident pediatrician made her first visit, my daughter cried at the touch of the cold stethoscope, and the doctor gasped, “she cries like a baby sparrow!” From that moment on she has been my Little Bird.

It was nice having the staff to assist in taking care of my baby while we were there, but it became apparent pretty quickly that the hospital stay wasn’t going to be restful. Of course I had a newborn to feed every few hours and tend to, but I also had nurses stopping in every few hours to give me medicine, take blood, take blood from the baby, take my blood pressure, etc. After four days I couldn’t wait to go home. They told me I could stay for a few more days, but I politely declined and was so so so happy to finally get back in my boyfriend’s car and take our baby home.

Now that it’s a few years later and I’m facing a second delivery, I’m just opting for the scheduled C-Section. Of course every labor is different and my doctor has assured me that the risk is minimal should I choose a VBAC, but I given the shock, pain, and trauma of the first one, I’d rather just skip all that and deal with the recovery I’m familiar with. As hard as it was, it was worth it of course. My daughter is a constant delight. Watching her grow and learn and develop her own personality is just a never-ending amazement. I am looking forward to finding out how similar and different her brother is going to be.

[pregnanttangerine]

THREE YEARS LATER

Ok so I sure fell off posting at the end there, eh? And for like, several years after. Sorry.

Part of the reason I never got back to it was that I had a pretty traumatic birth experience. I kept wanting to write a proper post about it, but I was postpartum with a new baby and then all of a sudden a whole friggin PANDEMIC and then and then and then... 

I will post this birth story soon to the best of my recollection. The short of it, baby girl is alive and well and she is just the best and she is stomping her way through her third Christmas next week and rapidly approaching her third birthday.

And I am a pregnant tangerine once again. A full 26 weeks now, surprise! A little boy will be joining us in March. So now seems like a good time to revisit the end of pregnancy #1 and try to sum up pregnancy # 2.

Stay tuned...

[pregnanttangerine]

35 Weeks

Oof. You guys, I am huge. I am so large. It is hard to believe I still have five weeks to go. I am really starting to see why women take six weeks of disability before they have their baby.

In the last few weeks we had two ultrasounds. One 4D ultrasound for fun (see photo) that showed us my baby girl does indeed have the cheeks of her parents. She also has really cute pouty lips. It’s so exciting to know I’ll be kissing that face in a little over a month, give or take. The second ultrasound was the medical follow up to the one we had at 22 weeks. They told me she is weighing approximately 5.5 lbs! Add that to the weight of the amniotic fluid, placenta, and 5 LITERS of extra blood, it’s no wonder I’m huge and my back hurts. The great news is that both scary anomalies they noted at 22 weeks have resolved themselves and our baby is looking healthy and whole. We are both full of happy relief.

I am having a much harder time moving around. My back hurts, my joints ache, and I’ve just got a lot in the middle to move around. Sleeping has become broken as I wake up often and have to rearrange half the bed every time to try to get comfortable again. It is very tricky putting on socks and shoes! My feet have been swelling for awhile so I’ve been wearing compression socks, and I feel like a panda bear rolling around trying to put them on. In the last few days my hands have also started to swell when I sleep. This swelling leads to carpal tunnel and arthritis-type pain, so sometimes I can’t even make a fist and have no grip when I wake up. So much fun! Thankfully I don’t have any rockclimbing expeditions planned anytime soon, but it has delayed the completion of my hand-written baby shower thankyou’s and makes writing algebra problems a chore.

Aside from the physical challenges I have been well. I am almost done with this semester in school, and should be finishing up my insurance license soon. I started my childbirth classes this week. (Mom went with me because babydad is sick. I feel really bad for him he has been sleeping on the couch to keep his sick away from me and has hardly slept. He is the best babydad a girl could ask for, I miss him and I need his help and I want him to unsick right away). The first class was really interesting and not scary and Im looking forward to the remaining three. I am already starting to feel a little more confident about labor and what it entails. It’s good because I need it since the little one will be here before we know it. Five weeks is not a long time and there’s always a chance she could surprise and decide she wants to meet us sooner. I hope we have the time to get everything ready for her, but I can’t wait to meet her. Soon!

[pregnanttangerine]

My baby shower was so wonderful that I feel like a dork for ever being even a little bit nervous about it. Julia and Brittany killed it. There was so much good food. The decorations were amazing. Everyone had a great time with all the different games and activities. I was so touched and honored at the tremendous turnout and all the gifts that were given not just to us for the baby but also many for me for my birthday. It was a beautiful day that will go down as one of the most special days in my life. 

[pregnanttangerine]

30 weeks

30 weeks! EEEK! Only a couple of months til I meet my daughter, and less than two weeks until my baby shower. Starting to feel really real. 

Observe my adorable Halloween costume. Mad props to my babydad for the idea. I was feeling pretty bummed approaching Halloween. It’s my favorite holiday, but this year I had nowhere to go and nothing to do. I’m trying to pinch my pennies so I wasn’t trying to spend a ton of money on a costume that I was just going to put on for a picture and then remove. But I really did want to put together something fun and creative with my preggobelly that I hadn’t seen before. Plus I always dress up the dog and that would be a whole separate expense and ughghghggh. I was starting to give up hope when my boyfriend came up with the idea to make my round belly into a round kettlebell. It was GENIUS! I already had a lil hoodie for my pup and my own workout clothes, so all I had to do was get a lil paint (side note: this is special pregnant belly paint I purchased from Amazon. Hilarious and awesome that this product exists), some foam plumbing insulation, and some cheap headbands, and voila! I was so fit for Halloween and my little Frenchie was my fab trainer. So good.

Everything else has been going pretty well. Still feeling good for the most part aside from being tired and wanting more sleep. Also starting to feel short of breath which is annoying as heck. I have been hit with heartburn a couple of times but nothing too crazy. Hopefully everything keeps going this way, I’m feeling really lucky that Im not plagued with any huge discomforts. 

I am feeling anxious about my shower and getting all the things we will need for her. I hope we get a lot off of our registry. My godmother already sent me the travel system stroller/carseat combo which is a big relief because that is one of the most important and expensive items. The registry notifies me when someone orders something and I think I’ve only gotten like 4 notifications, and one was my mom buying the crib mattress and one was my godmother buying the travel system so I’m mildy anxious. I could look at the list and see what’s been ordered but I wanna be surprised at the shower. I know there’s still like a week and a half til the shower so I’m trying not to freak out about it and the party and all the things. I already feel like Im spending too much money on the shower itself so I really hope we get a lot of stuff we need. So much stress dude I just wanna nap.

[pregnanttangerine]

Here I am one week ago at 27 weeks! I am round like a pumpkin in a pumpkin patch.

As of now I am 28 weeks, fully in my third trimester. Oof I have been so tired lately. It seems I just can’t get enough sleep no matter how I try. If I go to bed earlier I wake up more frequently and have more vivid dreams. I seem to sleep the hardest right before my alarm goes off which makes me feel so groggy when I awake.

I have been take one class for the fall semester, linear algebra. It is not “easy” but it is a lot less difficult than Calc II was last semester for which I am tremendously grateful For the most part it has been going well, but last week I was so exhausted, fatigue reminiscent of my first semester, and I believe I completely bombed a quiz on Thursday. I will find out for sure today, but I barely knew what I was doing and didn’t even finish. Thankfully the professor drops the lowest two quizzes. I was hoping to keep my grades high so I could reserve those towards the end of pregnancy, but at least I’ll still have one left and the bad one I have already shouldn’t hurt my grade.

One of the reasons I’ve been so tired is that I started driving for Postmates to make some extra money before the baby comes. I have been stressed about what my finances will look like after she is born. When I’m on maternity I will be on disability pay which is 60% of my income. Even when I go back to work I might have to go part-time to care for her or I will have to take on the additional burden of high child care costs. My credit card balances have been ugly so I’m doing everything I can to grind out extra cash to pay them down and save. 

Sunday was my mom’s birthday, and a week ago I took her to Julian (see pictured pumpkin patch), so I drove extra to make some extra cash so I could take her out and still keep up with my payments. I think all the extra driving and hustling really caught up with me last week. This Saturday I slept almost 11 hours, and I slept 9 on Sunday. I definitely feel much better rested this week.

My baby shower is less than a month away! I am so so excited and also anxious. My anxiety is mostly due to not being in control and I’m doing my best to just let it go. I have to trust my friends and let them handle it, especially because I do not have the energy to deal with it at all. Brittany has been doing lots of cute decorations and has tons of cute ideas and talks to me about it all the time so that helps. She hasn’t gotten many RSVPs so Im a little nervous people either won’t show up or a bunch of people will show up that didn’t let us know. But whatever it is out of my hands! Whatever happens I know those closest to me will be there and it will be a good day no matter what. 

As far as the physical pregnancy goes, I have been very hashtagblessed. I get a little bit of edema when I sit at work all day, so I just wear compression socks. I did decide to switch to traditional dr appointments instead of the group. My new doctor is a midwife who is very nice. As of my last doctors appointment I had actually lost a pound so my weight seems to be getting more under control. I did take the regular one-hour glucose test a few weeks ago that came up a hair over the limit, so I have to take the horrible fasting three hour test tomorrow. I’m not excited about it I definitely don’t want to be ignoring any lurking diabetes either. Fingers crossed all comes back normal. Other than that and being tired all is well. Minimal discomfort in my back and joints, no heartburn, no belly itching, no leaky boobs or anything else that sometimes plagues women by now. Baby moves a lot a lot. I time her kicks once a day. I have to count ten kicks and record how long it takes. I should get ten kicks in two hours and it usually only takes five to ten minutes to get ten from her. I’ve started to see my belly jolt a little with the movements, but no obvious poking elbows or knees yet. Im sure it will be more pronounced as she gets bigger. Right now she is about 2.5 lbs and 14 inches long. Crazy to think that she will gain another 5 lbs and six inches in the next two months. I feel pretty full of baby already! For the most part it’s a joyous fullness right now tho, again so thankful that I’m as comfortable as I have been so far. I do miss coffee and beer and sushi a lot, but only a couple months til I get to indulge again (at least for the coffee and sushi, I’m hoping I breastfeed her for a few months so might have to wait a little longer on the beer!)

[pregnanttangerine]

22 weeks! It only took me one and a half weeks to post this time. I’m getting better I swear!!

[pregnanttangerine]

22 weeks

Man oh man time flies when you’re growing a baby. I can’t believe it’s been a month since my last post! I had a pretty eventful month. I had my 20 week anomaly ultrasound, took a week off to staycation with my man, and finished off with my last centering appointment yesterday.

The anomaly scan was kind of cool, kind of awkward, kind of scary.

The cool: baby is seriously looking like a tiny human. They take a long time looking at all her parts from head to toe, zoomed in and close up. I could see the outlines of her little face, all her little hand bones, the chambers of her heart. Makes my heart feel so full. 

The awkward: they require you to have a full bladder, so I have to chug a bunch of water 90 minutes before the appointment and go in with out going pee.  Then they push around with the ultrasound and it’s crazy uncomfortable. Also the room we were in was very cramped. I felt bad for babydad because he was stuck in a weird spot and I could tell he was craning to see and it was killing his neck. I wanted to let him lay on the table with me so he wasn’t so uncomfortable himself. Lastly awkward/cute, she was moving all around again so it was hard for the tech to see certain things, so she kept jiggling my belly and mooshing it around to try to get her to move a certain way or get her hands out of her face. It was kind of funny but also weird to be handled like that. 

The scary: a week later I got a call from the doctor. She told me that they found two abnormalities. The first I had noticed the tech type on the screen when we were in the ultrasound, so I had anticipated it, choroid plexus cysts. I noted she took a lot of different shots of baby’s brain, and then on one shot she typed “choroid.” The name stuck with me and I googled it afterwards. They are cysts that form in the baby’s brain during development in an area that doesn’t affect functioning, but they can be indicative of chromosomal abnormalities. I read a lot about them in the week before the call about what they were, as well as a lot of blogs and posts from other moms about how they were seen on an ultrasound but went away and baby was healthy. I didn’t tell my boyfriend about it until after I talked to the doctor because he is the BIGGEST worrywart in the whole world and he frets crazy hard about chromosomal issues because he has a cousin with Downs. The cysts are actually connected to a different genetic disorder, trisomy 18, which is much more rare but also more dangerous for baby. The second abnormality can be indicative of downs, pyelectasis, an enlargement of the renal pelvis (a part of her kidneys). Before this ultrasound I had a genetic blood test done that using science magic separated my blood from baby’s and tested for these genetic disorders. They all came back negative. When I spoke with her on the phone, the doctor assured me that these abnormalities are fairly common and usually go away later in the pregnancy. A geneticist was consulted that determined I didn’t need any counseling because the genetic test is much more accurate. Despite these reassurances I still had to sit down with babydad and tell him the news and he reacted as expected. We spent hours looking over information online both on the abnormalities and the other things they look for in the ultrasound. He kept asking if they had checked the baby’s heart or if they had checked for other signs of Downs, and I kept assuring him they check everything. They never provided me with the long list of “normal” tho so he was uneasy for awhile.

After we got through that we had a staycation! We took a whole week off to just hang out and relax, and of course plan for baby. We finally started in on the registry, which is crazy overwhelming and exhausting. It is hard to anticipate what we are going to need, and to anticipate stuff that is available and popular that we DON’T actually need. It took work but I think we have a pretty good list going so far. We also did some fun stuff. We took many walks, went to a movie, went to a museum, went to a nature reserve, and hilariously ended up going to Target every single day. I always scoff at using vacation time without going on a real vacation, but it was really really nice just spending time with my guy.

My centering appointment was  little frustrating. I am STILL gaining weight despite really stepping up my exercise and trying to watch what I eat. I do still eat out or grab taco shop about once a week, so I’m probably going to be chopping that out too. It’s really hard when you’re hungry all the time! I also started the fall semester and Im taking one class. It’s really tempting to grab a frozen yogurt after because my favorite froyo spot is right next to school. Gotta do better I guess. I go in for my diabetes screening blood test in two weeks so I have to be extra good. I do NOT want to get the diabetes. Aside from that depressing disappointment, I was also able to confirm with the doctor that everything else on the ultrasound was normal, and she showed me the long list of all the things they look at that came back perfect, so that was reassuring. Last month they told us we would be doing yoga and I was excited, but it turned out to be kinda... wack. It was crowded and the instructor was oddly loud and chatty. She had us do a few poses in our chairs and we still kept bumping into eachother. I got a few nice stretches out of it but the yoga I do on my own at home is much better. Oh well at least I know I’m not missing out by trying to find a prenatal yoga class!

I’m determined to get some 22 week shots this weekend. Hopefully it doesn’t take me a month to post them this time!

[pregnanttangerine]

18 week photos

Oops. I am SO bad about this. A month ago I took all these photos with my bestie and totally forgot to post them. We had fun and these are some of the best, both sweet and silly. It is hard to post some with my double chin and chubby arms and I don’t know what was up with my hair but whatever posterity wins over vanity. Hopefully will be taking more this weekend!

[pregnanttangerine]

PS It’s a girl!

I found out weeks ago that we are having a girl. I had a genetic test that said XX, and the ultrasound from the previous post confirmed what we already knew. Boyfriend and I just wanted a healthy baby and didn’t have a preference, and we are both happy as can be to be having a daughter. We both like staying at home and not talking to people, so we did not have any exploding pink smoke bombs or secret pastries or whatever about it. This often causes me to over look the fact that nobody outside of my immediate circle knows the gender. So, readers of pregnancy blog, it is a girl! 

Finding a name for the girl is hard. Babydad in particular is quite picky. I’m being patient about it. It took us like a month just to name our dog so I knew what I was getting into. It’s comforting to know he cares so much and takes it very seriously. Going to be hitting the baby-name books again tonight. Until then, she is a Girl Who Has No Name. No I’m not going to name her Aria =P

[pregnanttangerine]

18 Weeks!

Oh gosh I am not so good at frequent updates. I was so ambitious in my belief that I would update all the time and post all my dreams and instead I have done none of these things. I’m not quite halfway through this pregnancy though so there is still time for lots of posts!

I started my “centering” group appointments this week. It is a new approach Kaiser has for the monthly prenatal appointments, where a group of us roughly in the same stage of pregnancy all meet at the same time and take turns doing their check-ups and then we all talk together about the joys and challenges of being pregnant. I was a little wary about signing up for this because I’m a huge introvert and I get social anxiety sometimes in these types of situations. I don’t really have anyone close that has had kids recently tho, so I wanted to get out of my comfort zone to meet some other moms.

I was a little disheartened because I have gained more weight. I had already gained a lot in my first trimester. I had horrible fatigue and basically ate whatever was easy because I was so tired and the only thing that somewhat eased my morning sickness was to eat something. But I haven’t been in a drive-thru in weeks, and I’ve been much better about getting regular exercise. A week or two ago I weighed myself and I was exactly the same weight that I was a month ago, but then when I went to the doctor the scale jumped up an extra ten pounds. I had just eaten a late lunch and was particularly bloated, so I’m hoping a lot of it was water retention and bloat, but it’s still really depressing to see “excessive weight gain in early pregnancy” on my appointment summary. I’m cutting out the limited amount of sweets I was allowing myself and hitting the exercise even harder. I have my 20 week ultrasound in two weeks and I’m hoping to see an improvement. The doctor didn’t even say anything about it but I’d like to keep it that way. It’s really weird to struggle with weight gain without wanting to push to lose weight.

Anyway, aside from the weight gain the centering appointment was pretty ok. It was as awkward as expected and I kind of hated it to start but made myself get through it, and I think it will get better week by week as I get to know the other people in the group more. It is nice to share and hear about other pregnancies. This whole time I thought I was being a baby about my morning sickness, because while I was nauseous pretty much constantly I almost never threw up. Compared to my coworker who is constantly losing her lunch, I thought I was being such a baby. Then I find out not just one but several of the women in my group had NO morning sickness whatsoever. Luckyfuckinbitches. I would definitely be at least a few pounds lighter if I hadn’t had that big ol obstacle.  

I am excited for this weekend, my best friend Brittany will be in town from Pasadena, and we will be having a meet with other best friend Julia to discuss baby shower plans. I’m excited to get my invitation list started so everyone can come share in my joy and also givemeallthepresents. ;) 

I have been getting a lot of requests for bump pics, but haven’t taken any since the one below (only a little because I feel like a blimp, mostly I just don’t think about it). I will make a point to take some this weekend. I do want to be able to show my little girl who has no name my pregnancy progression; I loved looking at my mom’s when I was a little girl. In the meantime, here are two shots from an ultrasound the babydad and I had done a couple weeks ago of my precious lil lady. We got to see her move and stretch and wiggle and it was pretty magical.

[pregnanttangerine]

Lil chubby baby bump

[pregnanttangerine]

14 weeks!

I am pregnant! I’m told I should journal about such things, so here it is. Perhaps I should have started sooner. I certainly had a lot of feels, but I also had enough energy to breathe and occasionally bathe and that is it. Somehow I managed to finish a bunch of finals and go to work so no extra for journals, sorry.

I’m officially in my second trimester. I did get nauseated a lot in the first but only threw up a few times. I have found that sharing this information made people think that I was fine but let me tell you feeling like you are about to throw up for three months straight is no picnic. Not to mention the soul-sucking exhaustion. Everyone told me there would be nausea in pregnancy but nobody told me I would immediately feel like I had some horrible flu and making myself a meal would feel like torture that would require several breaks because OMYGOD SO TIRED. It is a conundrum because I desperately want to do all the right things and feed myself good healthy foods, but cooking was so much more exhausting than driving thru Jack n The Box. I have eaten so many chicken fingers.

Anyway, as predicted I’m starting to feel energetic again. I have gotten off my ass to exercise several times in the last week without feeling like I’m crawling in quicksand which is such a nice change. So I thought it’s about time I record these things so I can look back and remember how much fun pregnancy is.

For several weeks after learning I was pregnant I didn’t tell anyone except my boyfriend. We wanted to have children. We were both very happy. But, I was also suddenly terrified. It’s so scary having another human growing inside of you. I want to take care of this new human so hard and I am scared of screwing it up. I am also scared that it could kill me. It’s a thing that happens. I try not to dwell on it but my mom had a very rough pregnancy that she miscarried before I was born and this is a woeful story that has haunted me all my life when I think of having children. I knew my mother would also worry for the same reason. She and my father were in Australia at the time. On a short TEN WEEK vacation. So I didn’t want to share until I could tell them, and I didn’t want to tell them via impersonal text message and distract them during their very long and wonderful adventure. So the first few weeks were a small torture of exhaustion and nausea and so much anxiety. My boyfriend was wonderfully comforting and did all the good things to try to make me feel better. After three weeks I finally broke and told my bestie Brittany. She was thrilled and it made it a little easier. Finally after my parents came back I told them and then the rest of the world, and I feel much better now having a nice cushion of support around me. 

I will say that I am proud of how crazy I have not been so far. So far I have only exploded once in text message at the boyfriend for not washing his dishes, and had two Very Hard Cries, but generally I have kept my head and emotions in check. I was angry calling a doctor when out with my parents recently and my mom asked after if I have had any bad pregnancy anger. Considering she didn’t even count that as angry I feel like I’m doing really well.

The only other notable thing about pregnancy is the dreams. I’m generally a very active dreamer anyway and now my dreams are just nuts. Every night I wake up disoriented and confused because of some wild dream I was having. Half the time I wake upset because it was nightmarish or at least unhappy. Probably half of these blog posts are going to be weird wild dreams. But this one is long enough already so I will just leave it with a summary of all my dreams are nuts.