prettysvd - Tumblr blog

[prettysvd]

The idea of leaving this area I have called home for a few years now is looking better and better. When I came here I was full of hope and excited to see what happened next for me. I didn’t know it would turn into a nightmare. I have lots to be thankful for, of course. Lots of amazing memories and experiences. But I miss my family. I miss myself.

My family was very tight knit before the passing of my grandma. Things changed after that but my siblings, my mom, and I are still quite close. My mom is ready to come help me take my things whenever I’m ready. She keeps telling me “Bug, just say the word and I’m there”. I have started trying to be in contact with them more. Sometimes when my partner and I fight, he almost convinces me that he’s innocent. But then I run the whole issue by my family and they’re like “no that’s very sketchy and you’re right to call it out”. My mom thinks he is programming me. My father did the same to her. The idea of dating someone like my sperm donor makes me feel sick.

I used to avoid her messages because I feel very depressed with the state of my life. Every few days it’s a new problem, a new issue. Even when I try to avoid it. I have been daydreaming about a small trailer in North Carolina. Close to my mom. Close to my baby brother. I want to walk in wearing my outfit that makes me feel beautiful and have my mommy tell me how gorgeous I look. These days it’s just frustration over “who I’m dressed up for” or “why are you taking thirst traps” when I’m taking very normal photos because I don’t want to be old and realize I didn’t spend enough time enjoying and romanticizing my life.

I’m just mostly tired. As I’m aging I am realizing that men do not hold the value to me that they once did. He believes he’s competing against other men. Honestly, the reality is that he is competing against the peace of being alone. I could be alone with my family and pets for company. I don’t have to listen to someone else’s insecurities being projected onto me if I’m alone. It sounds like a dream.

But it also breaks my heart. I have been working on myself here. I got a good job that pays well and gives me the time off I want as well as solid pay. I don’t want to leave it when I just recently started feeling stable. The idea of starting over again is gross. I didn’t deserve any of this. But I deserve to take up space and exist happily. I’m worth that. I’m worth leaving and finding somewhere I belong. But my heart is shattered.

[prettysvd]

The most terrifying part of this is that I have already been through the act of “disconnecting” from someone before the break up happens. In fact it’s been part of basically every major split I have had. I wanted things to be different. I feel myself pulling away and I hate it. I hate that he chose this for us. I hate that he couldn’t deliver on all the promises he made. He told me this would never happen, that there was nobody else for him. And he lied.

I have warned him this day would come and I can feel it creeping in. Distaste for him and all the behaviors he just can’t seem to kick. And of course he promises, this time it will actually change. Things will be better. He won’t change. I’m always going to be watching him look for pebbles in the dirt while he forgets the jewel he already had. It’s not shiny and new anymore. It’s dusty, cracked and damaged.

[prettysvd]

I wish he would chase me the way he chases her. He can’t work on his problems but he can spend his time seeking out every possible account to follow her on. I think my relationship is doomed.

[prettysvd]

I don’t know when I turned back into the old me. The girl that lets someone walk on her just to keep them with her. I thought I learned my lesson at 16. Turns out I’m just a magnet, I think, for men who need therapy & not a girlfriend.

[prettysvd]

Every mean thing I ever said to him was a cry for help when I was being tortured. He would have left me if I did anything close to what he’s done to me. But I will be the one spending the rest of my days being doubted and given the cold shoulder every time he perceives something to be wrong. Which is several times a week at this point. Not slowing down and hasn’t since we started this whole thing. I feel defeated some days. Other days I feel like there’s a chance. When I get to see the pure man that I love. He comes out sometimes.

I will forever live with the consequences of things I did not do to him.

[prettysvd]

Even when I overexplain myself to death, he always just sees things the way he wants to see them. He is pessimistic and looks for the worst qualities in me. I wish he saw me the way he used to. But maybe he never did see me as a good woman.

[prettysvd]

The gym was supposed to be a safe spot for me to relieve stress and work on my own image issues but instead it’s causing me more stress bc my boyfriend can’t handle literally anything.

Told him not to use the stairstepper next to me because it appeared to be broken. I guess it wasn’t and then someone else got on it. So I get the cold shoulder the rest of the session because he thinks I just didn’t want him beside me. So sick of being the worst fucking person ever in his eyes when I have given up so much of myself to be with him. He doesn’t deserve me. I need to stop trying to make people more like me and either accept them as they are, or leave. I don’t want to make that choice. :( but I can’t live out my entire life seeing myself as this awful woman who “treats him badly” when he’s the one who has abused my trust and hurt me immensely.

[prettysvd]

For the little seemingly mundane things that make life so great: receiving a much needed hug, having an amazing conversation with a stranger, spending time with your pets, listening to a song over and over, eating amazing food.

[prettysvd]

I wish I could be drunk all the time. My ability to care goes out the window.

[prettysvd]

I want to have tears in my eyes from laughter, not from another painful trigger.

And I can’t tell him because I don’t want to hurt him anymore. I don’t want to cause him more stress.

How ironic it is that he shoved the knife in my back and I’m more worried about the damage I’ll cause by bleeding on him. 🥲

[prettysvd]

“You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life.”

— Unknown

[prettysvd]

Watching him be goofy and laughing in games with her while I sit to the side in silence… that’s hard. It’s hard to give him that trust when I see so much of the way we used to be. It’s hard to do what I know I have to do. My own feelings betray me and while I know my feelings aren’t always justified, it hurts all the same.

He wants us to be friends. Every cell in my body is repulsed by that idea. But he likes her & I want to be a supportive girlfriend even though I’m terrified of the past repeating itself. It’s not like I even have anything personal against her. In another world we could’ve been friends. But how do you be friends with someone when even speaking to them makes your throat feel dry and your mind race? She never did anything to me, but she doesn’t know him like I know him. She didn’t see what I saw on his phone.

I feel paralyzed. All of my worst fears came to fruition. How do I know it won’t happen again? I don’t. I will never get to feel like I’m the only one he wants again. I will always be in fear of what woman will be more appealing than me. I will always be an insecure mess now.

[prettysvd]

[prettysvd]

Playing video games with him used to be one of my favorite things to do. We’d stay up half the night knowing we had work the next day and I’d have no regrets. I wish I could go back and laugh carelessly with him again.

[prettysvd]

I wish I felt like I belong somewhere.

[prettysvd]

[prettysvd]