prettyuncool

[prettyuncool]

List of all the places I called home.

Genova

Porto Torres

Samassi

Cefalù

Venturina

Nettuno

Piancastagnaio

Pulsano

Mascatagliata

Copenhagen

Konstanz

Roma

Bologna

Fuerteventura

Berlino

In some of these places I've never spent more than a week. In some other, I was too young to remember. So many more places I've seen, not so many made me feel that deep sense of belonging. Helsinki almost did it. Altura was the home of my parents I've never lived in. Some of the cities I spent years or decades in are not even mentioned. Ovada. Milano. Always a foreigner there, still am.

[prettyuncool]

Not sure if Monday morning vibes or just the right intuition.

[prettyuncool]

I am back in the glass bell

and I observe

the love I feel for you

from behind.

It's just safer here

to watch the show.

Crumbles.

That's what's left

for breakfast.

[prettyuncool]

I think we landed in a world where we try to bring love to business and expected utility to relationships. I sure am exploring this land of the opposites and it kind of feels off.

In business and in love.

I crave love. I have love to give. Maybe I am radical as in being tired of the game of pretense. In both scenarios, seriously.

[prettyuncool]

Weird patterns in my romantic experience that make no sense.

Just some random things I’ve been noticing with my partners that are totally fallacious logics, but still fun to think.

- If a boyfriend is keen on hiking on the mountains, then he would either be a cheese or a pear juice appreciator (or both). Just for the record dudes, pear juice really sucks, get your fruit juice tastes together.

- If a boyfriend happens to be black haired, they would for some reason appreciate my grace a lot. If a boyfriend happens to be blonde haired, they would for some reason appreciate my feet a lot.

- If a boyfriend is a wine connosseur and at some point tried to learn Russian, they surely have green eyes. If a boyfriend regularly wears glasses, they would also shortly live in Germany with me at some point in time and genuinely hate it.

- If a boyfriend is more spontaneously dom, he somehow has a black beard. If he’s rather more spontaneously sub or switch, he would be into essays more than novels.  

- If a boyfriend owns and rides a scooter, they would also be very empathetic. If a boyfriend's dream destination is Iceland, they most likely developed either borderline or narcissistic personality traits.

- If a boyfriend is from Genoa and speaks the dialect from Genoa somewhat fluently, they would also be very politically alert and left-winged. If a boyfriend is from Genoa but doesn’t speak the dialect from Genoa at all, they would be very superficially oriented in terms of politics and also have relatives somewhere in the East.  

- If a boyfriend has black hair, they would definitely despise contemporary art. If a boyfriend has compulsive behaviors such as excessive snacking or gaming, they would also have very approximate geographical knowledge.

- If a boyfriend is a water sign, they would somehow be stronger in their legs than in their arms. If a boyfriend is an earth sign, they would definitely suffer from erectile dysfunction (this doesn’t make sense even astrologically).

- If a boyfriend happens to be born in the early 90′s, they would be good at some very sexy sporty things like handstands or playing basketball. If a boyfriend really liked metal music at some point in time, they would come from Castelletto.

- If a boyfriend was obsessed with cleaning, they would rather not have kids.

- If a boyfriend hated phone calls, they would also be terrible singers. If a boyfriend had pursued a business oriented degree, they would unfortunately suffer from bad breath.

- If a boyfriend is an extrovert, they would easily gain weight. If a boyfriend is an introvert or ambivert, they would also spend time in nature with older male friends.

All in all, so far all boyfriends:

- never voted for Berlusconi

- had names whose initials belonged to the first half of the alphabet

No boyfriend, until when we’ve been together:

- was a good dancer

- has been to Japan

- fully healed their mommy or daddy issues.

[prettyuncool]

I’m so tired, I would really like if this post could write itself down.

Even if this is my safe space where I can take my time. I’m simply exhausted. I’m struggling from the second burnout I’ve ever experienced in my career and I’d take at least 3 months off before doing anything significant again. Instead I have to work at fast pace, buy more furniture, slowly move out and start building my well-being again from scratch, after the zillionth emotional bomb my father threw at me. Sometimes I really wish we could cut ties with each other, now that he also has his surrogate new family. This hurts me so bad though. I mean, I’d rather be alone in an unknown city and a half furnished apartment than having to regularly see him or keep in touch with him. It hurts, but I think it’s safer on the long run anyway. Still, I’m not too sure what I’m doing here. I’m in desperate need for the energy I lost, or I should say, I got robbed from. Also hormonal therapy will hopefully help before my surgery. Two days into it and I’m so looking forward to seeing some results, so much is the need for energy I have. My heart is so heavy, my mind is so foggy. Where did my hardly conquered 2020 mojo go?   

[prettyuncool]

Things I'm doing in my 30's that my younger self would 100% disagree with.

- Owning an American Express credit card

- Eating more carbs than I should

- Staying in healthy relationships I'm not sentimentally committed to because warmth and support are rare finds

- Answering a shallow "Good, you?" to "How are you?" questions even if I feel like crap because it's the quickest way to detach from people you don't really want to open up with.

[prettyuncool]

Day one of a private profile on Instagram. I've been thinking about doing it for over three years, especially in the past few months. I can't cope with stalking anymore. Bots in my view stats everyday due to third party sites or apps that let you view stories anonymously and leave their traces in the views count; personal ideas casually being stolen; constant monitoring by people who deliberately chose to exit my life or who treated me like trash, so they shouldn't be that interested anyway. I've had enough.

My nature is that of open-hearted sharing and networking, so I don't like this choice. It's like letting them know that I still care, somehow. I don't. I just care about my well being now, for once in my life.

[prettyuncool]

"So how you doing tonight"

HORMONAL STATUS:

Eat half a chocolate bunny then cheese then salami then listen to Africa by Toto to understand the harmony and suddenly feel all the feels for how beautiful the chorus lyrics are then cry while watching Chiara Ferragni's family TikToks and eventually fall in love at first sight with a dude who went at Mondragon Chiropractic's then get instantly depressed as he mentions his girlfriend at the end of the video.

[prettyuncool]

BREAK-UP RAP

Empty like glass

Transparent

Cold.

I had no idea I could hold

I had no idea I could cut

But

You know I can contain

Maintain

Disdain

Reframe

Refrain

Then walk on the other lane

Well, I don't wanna sound lame

I guess you're not a source of pain

And it's not fully you to blame

Until you find your next cocaine

But now my time is not a game

And there's no use to wait in vain

You'll find me here

In my reign

'Cause I just wanna stay sane.

[prettyuncool]

LIST OF 100% ATTRACTIVE THINGS I FIND IN MEN (yeah, that. Let's go).

- Guys with big, green eyes.

- Most dudes with short beards. Like, neither a lumberjack, nor a baby face.

- Blonde hair, especially on arms and legs (LOL, yeah)

- Guys with silky voices, that don't sound too deep

- Guys with pointy or interesting teeth. IDK why

- Kind, empathetic dudes who know how to mirror emotions well

- Guys who act like they don't like babies and kids, but they secretly do

- Guys who know how to sing

- Guys who are okay with showing their vulnerability and have no problems with intimacy or emotion regulation

- Creative guys with a witty sense of humor and great imagination

- Guys who are shy at dancing, but eventually they let themselves go

- Good listeners

- Guys who wear glasses

- Guys who cook well. Period.

- Guys who have a true passion for cunnilingus and are not disgusted by it.

- Adventurous guys who can't wait to travel with you and who would travel anywhere if it's with you.

- Guys who can do a handstand

- Guys who play basketball

- Good photographers

- Hardworking driven guys, with good initiative and problem solving skills, who aren't automatically bummed by challenges

- Guys who speak good German or good Russian as a second language

- Guys who wear denim shirts. 100% thirst trap, LOL (also oversized denim jackets)

- Guys with great driving skills (great bike riding skills and skating or board sports are cool too)

- Guys who can freestyle

- Intellectual dudes that hide unsuspected practical skills you would have never guessed, like knowing how to repair the sink or the laundry machine

- Guys with unconventional music tastes

- Guys with a fascination for Maths just for the sake of it

- Blonde dudes, or dudes with caramel brown hair

- Guys who know about wine and don't really brag about it

- Resilient, calm dudes with good stress management (OMG this is a top one)

- Introverts. Those who just do their best to be out and about but who actually would just rather chill on a mountain and watch the stars with you

- Confident guys who still manage not to be arrogant or entitled

- Guys who like to ponder about deep or awkward thoughts

- Good observers who notice details

- Guys with a good sense of orientation

- Guys with spontaneously good massaging skills that just happen to understand where knots are and how to work on them

- Guys who aren't disgusted by period sex

- Guys who are good at Vedic Astrology

- Guys who love getting wet under a thunderstorm

- Optimistic dudes who always look for the brighter sides of people and things

[prettyuncool]

I know, right?

[prettyuncool]

4:15 AM, waken up by my period. 🔥

I was thinking... As far as I know, social media algorithms are instructed to show us more content in line with what we mostly interact with. But what we mostly interact with doesn't necessarily correspond to what we truly like or what we really want to have around. It has to do with ideal self, i.e. things we aim at but we possibly don't have the guts to interact with, so we might just want to watch. Also, what we're most active interacting with is stuff that possibly triggers us a sense of response. That doesn't mean we like it or want more of it . Maybe we don't even feel the urge to interact with our friends on social media because we already do it offline; that doesn't necessarily mean we don't want to see or stay in touch with what they do online.

My TikTok FYP has gone from cheerful to a very lonely place. I'm mostly seeing people who are too similar to me and I don't feel entertained anymore. I'm there exactly because I want to explore radically different territories. So algorithms should be instructed with more sophisticated behaviors. Such as curiosity. If a person feels comfortable interacting with specific content, it doesn't mean it's their favorite. They might actually be willing to see completely different stuff because curiosity is their drive. And this is only one of many possible drives that might justify people's needs and wants regarding social media content. Algorithms should recognize people's drives and give them more feedback options, different from just liking, sharing or commenting. Such as separating circumstancial likes from "I want more of this" options. Or maybe having interactive boards, more or less like it happens on Pinterest, where you pinpoint whatever you match with your desires under different categories. People often don't know what they're looking for or why, but categories contain reasons. "Stuff I love" vs "Stuff I despise and that I don't associate with myself but which, somehow, sometimes I still want to see". For current algorithms, these two seem to be the same thing. Also, people don't like what they are, they like what they could be. So there's even more ethics in algorithm programming. You can choose to either be able to predict what people actually love and keep them addicted. Or you can add ways they can like themselves more, in order to detoxify them, but I should further think how.

[prettyuncool]

Random thoughts for the night:

I want to visit Kamchatka before I die

Fake Pan di Stelle biscuits from Ekom suck

[prettyuncool]

Embarrassing myself on Discord with this nice guy cheeeeck! ✌🏼

[prettyuncool]

LIST OF 100% UNATTRACTIVE* THINGS IN MEN (UPDATED)

(* unattractive in a "my hormones have just committed suicide" kind of way)

Dudes who like the Middle Ages and Medieval fairs & cosplay (also Tolkien and D&D and epic metal and stuff like that)

Dudes with bad hygiene who also seldom clean around their house, rarely change their bed sheets, leave stuff around and leave the toilet seat up in other people's homes

Dudes with student-like life habits up to older ages, who neglect their health, have terrible diets, don't value sleep, never workout and drink too much

Dudes with commitment issues (seriously, get a therapist)

Dudes who find it soooo hard to smile, open up, be emotionally available (seriously, get a therapist x2)

Dudes who have messy and inconsistent work lifes because of their own choices, but they blame it on society

Dudes with deep self-esteem issues

Sexist, anti-feminist dudes

Grumpy, eternally gloomy, "woe is me" victimistic dudes (see also "Covert Narcissism" alert)

Absent, cold, self-absorbed, quite unempathetic and constantly detached dudes (see also "Neglectful Narcissism" alert)

Dudes with a sense of entitlement over their music tastes as if they were "the right ones", which generally translates to boomers' music tastes (most probably hard rock from the late '70s or whatever)

Femboys and straight or bi dudes who bring feminine looking kinks & styles to the bedroom, like wearing make-up or stockings (not judging, of course... They just really turn my straighter ass off 😖 I'm sorry)

Doms who want to convince you of how much of a sub you are

Subs who want to convince you of how much of a dom you are (or who at least want your fingers up their arse and you suddenly feel like a nurse or something)

Dudes who get lost everywhere and have to check Google Maps all the time

Dudes who can't drive

Moody, anxious, very insecure dudes

Hypochondriacs

Inflexible dudes with routines which are extremely hard to shake, who always fear or dismiss novelty or change

Untrustworthy dudes. Seriously, it has a huge impact on my sexuality.

Dudes who never travel, who don't like to travel, who don't know how to properly travel

Dudes who can't cook

Dudes who can't speak any foreign language and feel it's okay

Lazy and indecisive dudes, with low drive, no hobbies or interests and low initiative whatsoever

Sticky, clingy and overbearing dudes with cheesy needs, who binge on sweet stuff and who flirt with lines like "me wants cuddles" 🙄

Dudes who need constant validation from social media

Control freaks with anger issues

Dudes with bad emotion regulation

Dudes who shave body hair. Like... Why?! 😭 What a loss of glory

Dudes who can't say things straight to your face and who 100% avoid conflicts but who end up talking shit behind your back to mutually known people instead of trying to face things or solve them together

Dudes with low or selective empathy, who just can't mirror your emotions even in the happiest circumstances

Dudes who are into lame word puns, dad jokes and cheap sexual innuendo's all the fucking time

Dudes who know all about Netflix but don't read books (or who don't read books in general, even if they don't watch Netflix)

Dudes who expect to be saved

Dudes with extremely low intuition

Loud, histrionic dudes. They drain my energy in no time.

Dudes with very bad taste in foods, wine, art and aesthetics in general

Dudes who live all up in their heads all the fucking time

Judgemental, arrogant, "know it all" mansplainers

Dudes who lack practical skills

Completely risk averse dudes, with gigantic comfort zones

Addicted gamers

Heavy smokers who never eat mints after cigs

Dudes who can never resist temptations

Dudes with selfish sex needs and habits

Dudes who just can't get or keep their shit together

[prettyuncool]

Not sure if being a good girl to myself or feeling self-hospitalized. Sad, lonely state of mind.