probsametaphor-blog

[probsametaphor-blog]

Hi. I don’t know how to deal with my emotions or any variety of feelings or anything. THE HECK.

Why do I feel so much things. Why are they like this.

[probsametaphor-blog]

I don’t know if this is staying up because I’m waiting for a possible text back (which realistically is not coming until midnight two hours from now) and feel excited, staying up because I did not do most of the things I was supposed to do today and feel bad, or staying up because I don’t want to go to work tomorrow and feel anxious. But here I sit. Type Typing on tumblr.

Maybe it is all of those things... Maybe.

[probsametaphor-blog]

Good morning Tumblr.  I only come here when I have emotions that I cannot share with others.

So you are welcome. 

[probsametaphor-blog]

Casual depression rant.

Tumblr is the place I go to when I’ve swooped back into a depressive cycle. 

Cause. Humans are nice but they tend to be annoying about it or over dramatic if I post things on social media. So happy tumblr rant party. 

I’m so tiredddddddddd. My body feels like it is too heavy. Also I have none of that weird joy stuff humans talk about... Also food tastes dumb. 

And this is only like day. 2ish. Cool.

But I have a cat to pet pet, also nice podcasts, also chocolate and tea, also very nice Netflix shows that are nice. Is nice time to remember little things. 

But also. Depression is dumb. And obnoxious and bleh.

[probsametaphor-blog]

[probsametaphor-blog]

Anxiety is like...

...that feeling when you are really embarrassed by something so you have this sort of “ahhhhh. what am I supposed to do about that, what do the people think of me, I feel like I want to melt into glue” feeling?

Except I get it for no reason because...Anxiety. And it feels gross.

[probsametaphor-blog]

I think I am going to start doing a thing on Fridays. 

“Free boob Friday” on which day I don’t wear a bra because. I don’t have to.

Total celebrated so far: 1

[probsametaphor-blog]

If I did two past due class assignments each day this week I would be caught up before April! That would be so cool... But this last week I barely finished the due assignments... So. I don't want to get my hopes up but here we go... Any recommendations for how to hope but also be realistic?

[probsametaphor-blog]

Today is not a very hard day. But I have felt the little signs of anxiety getting worse. Faster heart beat. My skin and head feeling too tight. Breathing feels hard at times. I have not slept well the past two nights and there is a lot on my mind.

Ocean sounds have been helpful. My new chart for todo things has been helpful also. Setting little goals and doing small chores has been good.

Also. Just got an email that we won’t have any sectionals for orchestra this week. Bonus free time.

[probsametaphor-blog]

I ate lunch.

Is accomplishment.

Also to consider: meditated for 10 minutes, washed 1/2 full sink of dishes, cleaned up main room in dorm, charging phone and computer, drank water.

I have done a lot in this hour and 15 minutes. I go to class in 45. I can finish one more assignment. I already did the reading so I just have to type some BS on a page and I will get credit for it.

[probsametaphor-blog]

Literally

I say literally too much on this blog. Sorry. I’m not like that in physical life.

[probsametaphor-blog]

Just reminding myself that even though I did not do my scheduled run for today that I am still setting goals and doing the things. I’m not failing.

Also I finished up an assignment for a class in class and did not even have to present. #swag

[probsametaphor-blog]

Literally I just have tumbler to rant about my emotions and scroll through things that are less political

[probsametaphor-blog]

I literally told myself “I am avaoiding all thoughts of romantic relationships tonight” because I’m not in a good place to emotionally “mourn” that.

So. I go on Facebook. And three human people I have had (or still have???) crushes on are in a row of posts. Why.

Is not helping brain.......

[probsametaphor-blog]

Frick. Frick. Frickin.

Things I need to not do: 

Drink a large amount of caffeine

Fight with family about stupid things

Put things off until last minute

Things I can’t avoid:

My brain being irritated at all existence

This assignment for my internship that I have been kinda putting off because of Christmas things. But also I was just told it needed to be sent today. ah.

My brain hurting from all the brain things...

[probsametaphor-blog]

Rant of my emotions. Posted so that I pretend I am sharing them.

I should really learn to not research mental illness type things when I have important things I need to focus on in life.  Literally, I feel so much anxiety about life things at the moment. But I still have about half a semester’s worth of work that I am supposed to do before midnight tonight... But I also have a rehearsal that’s three-plus hours and 50-minute drive today... There is so much anxiety and I don’t know if I will be able to do anything.

I feel so much anxiety!!! What the frick... The worst part is I could have gotten a good grade if I worked on this the whole week before... But I could not... How? Why could I not???

But. But... 

The worst case scenario is my professor hates me forever. An actual real worst case scenario is that I get an F in the class and it drops my GPA from a 3.5 to something lower. That’s not too bad. Best case scenario is that I can get a C if I finish up things after rehearsal tonight. 

So what does this look like today... I need to breathe. I have to drive soon and make sure I am mentally ready to drive somewhere.

Also, I realize I focus on things that I think will make me feel better like I am watching all the Netflix. Literally addictive. I am thinking about current and past crushes. I have so many emotions that are not making my brain confused. I am also going back to all the questions of sexuality, which could be caused by my current obnoxiously hypomanic ways. 

I feel better after typing things out. But there is still an empty black hole that is sucking me in. Dumb. 

Ha. That sounds so dramatic. :P 

[probsametaphor-blog]

you: rosin

me, an intellectual: STRING SAUCE