processofliving

[processofliving]

How are you truly doing.

How are you truly doing?

It is very rare for someone to ask this question. Oftentimes when people ask you how you are doing, they don’t mean how you are truly doing. They don’t really want an honest answer. Even friends or family. I can count on one hand the people in my life that want to know the truth, even though I can count on multiple hands the people that I value and love.

There are very few people that truly care. Very few people will listen and try to understand, even if they can’t. Yet there are many people that, when you are too honest, will find you tiresome and turn away. Even people you consider as friends. I find that very challenging. If you are my friend, I want to be able to be honest to you, as I expect the same in return. If I ask you how you are doing, I want to know how you are doing. If you can’t be honest with each other, why are you friends in the first place? How am I supposed to answer the question: “How are you doing?”, if I can’t tell you how I am actually doing? Should I say I am fine, just so we can talk about mundane things? Do you expect people to be fine all the time? Should life be sunshine and rainbows? Or is talking about difficult things too scary? Sure, you don’t always have to talk about the big stuff. But I do find it important to know that we could if we wanted. That the space is there if either of you need it.

I sincerely wonder why people find it so difficult. These superficial connections based on dishonesty are confusing. Did we all get taught different perspectives on friendships when we were younger? Why don’t you want to know how the other person is doing if they are your friend? Naturally there are different “levels” of friendships. But again, why ask if you don’t care? And should you really stay friends with someone that doesn't care? It just feels weird to me to lie about certain things, important things, personal things, and be honest about everything except about yourself. 

Of course I understand that sometimes it is difficult to talk about big emotions. You might not know what to say, or maybe you feel frustrated and powerless because nothing you can say will make it better. But you don’t always have to say something. Just listen. Just acknowledge someone’s feelings, validate them, make someone feel heard and let them vent if they need to. Give them a big hug afterwards and tell them that you are there for them. That’s all it takes. You don’t need to be a philosopher or psychologist or God. Just be a friend. That’s all people need, I promise.

[processofliving]

Are we one thing.

Are we one thing?

I think we all know those people that seem to have one identity. Not in a wow-you’re-a-boring-and-fixed-individual type of way, they just simply appear to be the same person all the time. Their clothes adhere to a certain style, their hobbies never change, they exhibit a certain “vibe”, they fall under a certain “label”. You can spot them from miles away; the creative kinds, the smart kinds, the fuckboy kinds, the fashionable but insecure kinds. They express themselves in a way so that, in an instant, you know who you are dealing with. Not to say that they are all completely similar, but we can probably agree that people that fall directly into certain categories have a lot of things in common. I always wonder though, is this who they are, or is it who they want you to see them as? As I have mentioned before, I think not two of us human beings are the exact same. Yet when people convey a message of belonging to a specific group through the way they present themselves, they inadvertently convey a message of being one of them. They belong to a specific group, they are part of something and therefore want to be viewed as being a member of this group. Why is that? Do we seek acceptance from others and therefore search for a group to fit in, one where we feel most comfortable? Or are we truly like that and did we just happen to find like-minded individuals? Or maybe there simply is no such thing as having a unique form of self-presentation. Like with music, it is practically impossible to come up with something completely new. Everything has already been done before. 

Is portraying yourself as “one of them” a product of low self-confidence or is it really the way you are? Or is it both? Maybe the latter. When I look at my clothes, I see different personalities. The creative one, the smart one, the fashionable but insecure one, and, alright, the fuckboy one. There are clothes I’m most comfortable in, clothes I feel most confident in, and clothes that I like because they are just a bit out of the box. I have noticed lately that I have been dressing according to who I’m seeing. Whatever specific friend (group) I’m seeing, or whatever appointment I’m going to provides the basis for whatever I’m wearing. Unless it is a specific occasion that requires specific clothing, I think that is pretty insane. Maybe that is one of the reasons why I feel so lost. Who am I really? Who am I if I keep trying to conform to specific groups of people? Why can’t I just be myself? But who even is this self?

Maybe that is where the labels and groups come in. I figure that everyone is probably struggling with this stuff, but that a majority can find a group where they feel generally comfortable in. I say generally because I know some people who fit perfectly in, let’s say, the fashionable or creative group, but I always wonder whether that is actually who they are or if they just want to fit with that group because it gives them a certain status.

From my perspective, I have always viewed humans as dynamic things. But that is my perspective, because that is who I am. And since we are not the same, who am I to say that these people don’t actually belong to that group and aren’t actually like that? Are we supposed to fit in or are we supposed to just be individuals? Because not feeling like you fit in anywhere makes you feel lonely, but so does fitting in and not understanding who you are. I wonder if the enlightenment of self-discovery comes with age, or if we just need to accept that we will never truly understand ourselves. Maybe it is better to embrace the positives of our inherent dynamic nature and just accept that we can be whoever we want to be. Still, we know when and where we feel most comfortable, so maybe that is not completely true either if we are trying to attain a sense of self-awareness. I’m not really sure, but maybe in thirty years I will be.

[processofliving]

Is God real.

Is God real?

A very good question. And one that will (probably) never be answered. Apparently there is no scientific way in which to test whether God is real or not. Which is kind of crazy because we generally as people do not like it when questions are just left unanswered. Especially not big questions like this one. And I’m going to have to disappoint you; I’m not going to be able to give an answer to this question myself.

Personally I was raised an atheist, yet some of my family believes in God. I’ve got friends that are religious and I’ve got friends that are not. The one thing I always notice when discussing religion with them is that we’re not talking about whether God exists, but we’re talking about the things people do, say or think based on a religion. In other words, it is not a matter of whether He exists, it’s a matter of what it entails if He were to exist. 

I guess this is partly because it feels quite silly to ask a Christian if they think God is real, you feel like you already know the answer (although I feel it could cause some really interesting conversations as well, I’m sure religious people have existential doubts and questions time to time), but also because the way people ‘use’ religion in their life is what intrigues me. When I say ‘use’, I mean using a Holy Book as a basis for perspectives and behavior I do not feel are in line with the way I see life.

I think some of the very common questions I have, which I’m sure you’ve heard before, concern the following; using a Holy Book to say that being gay is a choice (and a poor one at that), or that people who do not believe in God will go to hell, or that, if someone dies unexpectedly, it was God’s will. These are things I cannot comprehend. I find it intriguing that people can believe in something so vastly different from what others believe in. And it is something I have been trying very hard to understand.

If there is a God, and there might be, would He design us to be gay if it was a sin? If there is a God, would He hate those who do not believe? And, if there is a God, would He choose to let a young child die? Is God not all love? That’s what I’ve always been taught. Yet I don’t have the answers. I’m just a little speck on this Earth who knows just as little about the concept of Deities as you all do. Maybe the people who believe in above-mentioned ‘things I cannot comprehend’ get it all wrong. Maybe ‘true’ religion is all about love. Or maybe it is not, and the people who believe in ‘all love’ are wrong. Or maybe it is so diverse that we will never know. But if there is One True God, I wonder what He thinks.

Concerning religion (and I guess generally as well) I have always felt very compelled to defend my perspective on life and do what I think is right. As if I have to defend those offended by people’s interpretation of their Book of Choice even though I am not the one preaching it. The conversations I have with religious people never turn sour, we are old enough to let our differences be differences, but it is curious that we always want to share our view on life with others and are so convinced that it is the right way. Ironic as well, since this entire blog revolves around my perspective on life. I truly wonder where that stems from, this urge to voice the things we believe in. 

Maybe it is God.

[processofliving]

What is our purpose in life.

What is our purpose in life?

Growing up I’ve been surrounded by people who seem to know their purpose. Whether that be in the job they want to do when they’re a bit older and what steps to take to get there, the ideology they want to disperse, or a certain lifestyle they want to adhere to. It always worried me. I’ve never felt this sense of purpose other people seem to possess. And in this day and age, where people tend to share their purpose of life in one way or another online, it is hard to feel accepted when you’ve got anything but that. You feel like you need a purpose to be accepted in society.

I’ve always felt ashamed to answer that I really don’t have a clue when asked about what I want to be when I’m older. There are so many interesting and fun things one can do in this world that committing to just one almost seems moronic. Yet when you answer that you’re not sure, people look at you as if you’re the moronic one. They think of you as that person who hasn’t got their life figured out yet. They say things like: “Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out eventually”, or just a simple: “Oh, okay”, and give you that half-smile where they pretend to reassure you that you’ll figure it out while secretly they’re judging you for not having your whole life planned out. And you’re left feeling like you don’t belong. So, next time someone asks, you pretend like you do know (kind of, at least). Just to fit in.

While having a sense of purpose must be great, it almost seems like a competition. We should all travel before we’re thirty years old and we should get a well-paying job in a field that we have always dreamed of and we should have a social life on the side but also make time to go to the gym and we should all settle down with a significant other, preferably also before the age of thirty. And then when you’re past the age of thirty you should have an outstanding resume containing all the things you have already done and know exactly which direction to go in for the remainder of your adult life. And as you get older, let’s say fifty, you should know exactly who you are, be committed to a job in a field you’ve been in for the past twenty years and be settled down with a partner and preferably some kids. And, most of all, we should all grow up to be happy. Finding ultimate happiness is completely unattainable, but that is for another time.

It’s wild though, isn’t it. How we as people project our expectations on others. I have never met anyone who was exactly like someone else. And with each day and week and month and year and life stage we change, and then change again and again, all the way up until we die. Yet most of us place the same expectations on everyone.

My humble guess would be that maybe our purpose in life should be to be ourselves, whether that means getting married or staying single, working in the same field for the next forty years or switching jobs every couple of months, or committing to one hobby or trying out every hobby there is over the duration of just two weeks. 

Maybe our purpose, ultimately, is to be the person you feel most comfortable with on that particular day. Who are you living for anyway? This is your time to be selfish.

Perhaps our purpose in life is to just be ourselves in the way that we appreciate ourselves to be. With or without purpose. Because purpose doesn’t define you. But being yourself does.

[processofliving]

Are we really free.

Are we really free?

Freedom“The state or fact of being free from servitude, constraint, inhibition, etc.; liberty.” (Oxford University Press, 2023).

I’ve wondered about this for a while. Because while a large portion of us in modern society claims to have the freedom (mostly) to be ourselves in terms of clothes and haircuts and life choices, we ultimately are all influenced by someone in our life. Even the most free person on Earth was raised and shaped by their families and/or friends and/or peers and/or strangers. We get taught subjective rights and wrongs and ways to dress and behave. And based on these teachings we become our own ‘unique’ self which isn’t really that unique after all. We are all constrained by our environment. Maybe you would have to place a baby in isolation and let it raise itself to discover what people’s identity can truly be like. Or maybe that would just produce a person without identity.

As constraining as our social environment can be, it also gives the freedom to create identity. If someone was raised all alone (which I guess wouldn’t be really called ‘raising’), they might become that identity-deprived baby. Would we all be like robots if we weren’t raised by and around other people? Is having no identity, the way we perceive robots, still an identity? Would we die of social deprivation if we didn’t know there were other people on this planet?

I guess freedom is the choices we make based on the influences of our environment. We are never really free, we just think we are. Or maybe being free based on our constraints still counts as freedom.

[processofliving]

Is life truly that.

Is life truly that?

Do you ever sit on a train or walk down a street and look at the people around you, and wonder what their lives are like and whether that life is better than yours? And then you come to the conclusion that their life probably is better than yours, even though there is absolutely no logic behind it? Or you wonder if they think the same way that you do, and you wonder if they actually even exist. Maybe we don’t exist, maybe I’m the only person alive and I’m imagining you all here. Imagining my family and my friends and everyone I see. Because sometimes life feels too coincidental. It’s like heaven with a capital H because we hope that when we die we will see our loved ones again and we’ll be at peace even though we truly have no clue and maybe death is just that, just final. Maybe life's like that. We have no clue. We don’t really know how our brains work. Do the things that we think happen to us, actually happen to us? Or is it just complete and utter bullshit and are we just imagining the people around us and the songs we listen to and the things we go through? I’m not sure. And in the end, none of us ever will be. How would we ever find out if we’re imagining things? Sounds impossible.

It feels too coincidental. There is this unexplainable feeling that everything is just lined up so perfectly, whether it’s a full shitstorm or a happy sunny breeze of a day or week. Like there is no real explanation to it but it feels like there should be. And then you wonder if that happens to everyone or if it’s just you and your brain is somehow broken or maybe the total opposite and you somehow know more things than others. Or maybe you just think more, spend more time in your head, use all of your spare time thinking. Hence why I’m preaching this to (imaginary) you(s). 

Maybe this doesn’t resonate with anyone, or maybe it does. Maybe I’m all alone or maybe the world actually did end in 2012 and some expert researchers and scientists in an alternate universe have somehow revived me and are watching every single move I make and judging what I’m currently writing so so hard and are wondering where in science’s name they’ve gone wrong. Or maybe there is a God, and He is deciding everything for me. The clothes I wear and the trains I catch and the food I eat. But that last bit wouldn’t make sense because if some people are vegan then that means that God is vegan which would be strange considering there are also many many carnivores on planet Earth.

Or maybe life is just life, the way everyone has always made it out to be. Where we strive for complete happiness (unattainable), go through shitstorm after shitstorm, hope we don’t die feeling unfulfilled, and at the end of the day all want to be loved and liked. I guess we’ll never know.