puncturedbrainbarfbag

[puncturedbrainbarfbag]

I wish I could say this to you without you ignoring me, Mom

I'm in a dissociative state so I won't hurt as much when you get angry and dismiss the important things I have to say. It still hurts...but not in front of you. My tone isn't one of aggression...but detachment to avoid the immediate hurt of you invalidating my valid concerns.

I do this a lot. After every panic attack, after crying, after being yelled at...I turn into a little husk covered with spikes while the person inside of me stops feeling, thinking, perceiving... It would be wonderful if it wasn't so detrimental to my learning how to cope healthily with stress.

[puncturedbrainbarfbag]

So I've been intensely depressed recently, after spending months in an ok place psychologically... (still had ups and downs OH BOY IT DID)

But it's very bad recently, and the thoughts are SO intrusive and infuriating when they seem to never cease... So I need a new game plan

***

To any poopy thought (negative, mean, bitchy), I must task myself to find two positive things about whatever inspired the poopy thought.

For example, if I start thinking that I am still a depressed crap, I will catch this poopy train of thought and try to consider that I am MUCH better than I used to be, that I am healing, and that it is huge for me to be on this path. And, hey, I wanted to slice em up the other day like I used to, but I didn't. Go, me.

---

To any onset of an anxiety attack (or just anxiety that might come up later after festering), I...

must realize it, put down my damn dukes, and start hashing the issue out with myself. I must, must, must put into practice what I learned in GAD group, like consulting the perspective of the wise sage who lives in my head (of course, not when she's pissed. Must cool off first with physical relaxation)

I used this yesterday in class when I started feeling incredibly anxious about myself during a lecture on stress. The Great Eminent Sage Junkie Henry Dean uncharacteristically reminded me that the lecture was meant to be simply informative, helpful, and eye-opening. It was not meant to make me hate who I am; it was not designed to trigger feelings of inadequacy; the teacher was not unsympathetic to people who undergo stress AT ALL, just getting his info out and informing people that some shitty parts of their life could be caused by stress.

Check in often. I'm usually stressed without realizing it, so checking in randomly during the day (in the ten minutes before class starts when I have my notebook out, for ex) could help me be honest with myself about what is whittling away at my sanity up in there at the moment.

---

And I let myself be held by my boyfriend the other night after having a very violent episode that resulted in asthma that I forgot I ever had (but it makes sense with all of the fires in the area recently). It helped me gain more physical control over my breathing to lay back against him and feel his breathing rate, especially when I would get residual spasms of my diaphragm (think 20 hiccups in a second instead of a steady breath). So, be less stubborn about relinquishing my control.

---Exercise!!! I am lazy lately, and I hate how much my flexibility has decreased (but I have lost a lot of weight (+) and I have actually slimmed down my belly pudge and my arms thanks to planking (+ #2). Maybe 30 minutes of dancing my booty off will help me feel better and do some good on my lazy bonebag. I want more cardio and strength training.

Exercise Goal: I want to be able to buckle my seat belt with one arm without injuring myself, which means I want to be able to reach my right arm all the way to my left hip (this is really hard with so much breast tissue in the way, which is why I don't do it, which is why I can't do it).

And I want to look sexy in a two-piece swimsuit. Even if I can't go into the sunshine without cooking. Flat tummy, I long for theeeeeeee.

Yeah, that's it. I want to get this life on track so I can hurry up and catch up. I am TWO UNITS AWAY FROM A DEGREE, so I might have a college graduation in my future (two-year degree, but that's better than nothin'!!). I want to explore the things I can do artistically, vocationally, and socially. ....ahhh.. Life smells like farts and excitement.

[puncturedbrainbarfbag]

The Time a Teacher Forced Me to Look at Porn at School, During Class

I haven't been blue in a while, and I have a migraine. So, not able to do much. I thought I'd write something down from my childhood. A horror story from school. I was in 7th grade. We had this technology class where students learned how to google properly..and we had a "scavenger hunt" assignment where we had to google the items, collect some pictures, and get our dang A. We had a substitute teacher that day, Mr. Bell. That is his real last name. I had a problem with my assignment. The one I got stuck on was "Find a picture of Bart Simpson riding his skateboard" because my assigned computer had its safe search mode turned off. My results were all Simpsons porn; not Bart riding his skateboard, but Marge, etc. I was just a little girl and mortified and embarrassed about suddenly getting a screen of incestuous cartoon sex right in my face, in public.

I didn't know anything about turning the safe mode back on, so I went to the teacher for assistance. This is where my real horror story starts. He comes to my computer. He sees the porn. I tell him that I can't find the picture I need because the safe mode is off, and I need help getting rid of the pornographic results, hence needing him to turn on the safe mode for me. And what does he do? He sits down and starts clicking through all of the pictures, showing every single image to me and LOUDLY commentating on each one as such: "Here's Marge Simpson's boobs…Oh, look at this one, bart is having sex with her. And Lisa's boobs. And Maggie's in there, too…" No, I don't remember exactly what he said for each, but here was a middle aged man sitting next to an 11-year-old child, who hadn't had a period yet, showing her Simpsons porn and describing it all to her loud enough to catch every other kid's attention.

All I wanted was for him to turn on the safe mode so I wouldn't have to look at porn. He made me look through them during class. In front of other students. I quickly closed my eyes and went into that state of disassociation until he left me alone. The other kids laughed at me, but they didn't understand the gravity of the situation. There wasn't any other adult around, and I certainly didn't feel comfortable talking about being in that kind of situation. It felt like it was just me, this perverted fuck, and no way out. I remember crying right there and then as soon as he went away. I never told anyone besides my current boyfriend, who would very much like to rip some balls off of a certain someone. I felt very violated. I felt disgusted that someone would make me look at something like that. And I felt upset with myself for "bringing it on myself" by not knowing how to turn the safe mode on by myself (I was new to the internet. My only other experience was on AOL with automatic safe modes on. Remember that bullshit? Until then, I had only used the web for the occasional Neopets game or to look up ecchi anime cat girls when nobody was home). I know now that I didn't do anything to deserve that kind of bullshit. By the time I saw Mr. Bell again (getting to that), I knew I had a very good reason to be angry at him, about him. I pushed that memory away for a couple years until Mr. Bell substituted a Japanese 1 class during my freshman year in High School. I, again, felt violated just by being near him. I remembered what he did to me. I know Mr. Bell recognized me, the little girl he once forced to look at porn during a class some years before. 

I pushed it down again after that. It comes up occasionally, and I realize the level of abuse more and more as I gain years. Should I tell someone about this? It was ten years ago. I've no doubt that this guy is still in the substitute teacher business. I'm glad to get that out. It is relieving to let something like that out onto the keys. But, now, what do? Report abuse that happened ten years ago?

[puncturedbrainbarfbag]

It's been a while

I know. I'm about to post something that really makes me uncomfortable. I'd love advice on how to handle it. It deals with being forced to look at pornographic content as a child.

[puncturedbrainbarfbag]

checking in

Tonight's my last GAD class, week 8. It's been nice. I mostly like it because I got to meet new people who I can really relate to (the trich, the PANIC, the unexplainable sadness, the feels.). I get so excited before going because I really enjoy the others there. It's like we're a large temporary ka-tet. I have improved since starting. I know I have. The panic comes back, of course. And the anxiety. At least I have a lot of things to put into practice now! Like ~mindfulness~ and being my ~BFF~. About friends..Eh. They've been showing their true colors quite a bit to the boyfriend and I. I flaked on talking to one about alcoholism this weekend. It's reasonable, though. I wanted to enjoy my birthday (oh, I did). It was interesting seeing them all this weekend. They mostly didn't talk to me, besides our buddy who smokes with us (because he is genuinely wonderful and a keeper!). One girl kept talking down to us the whole time. BUT she's not important to us, so it doesn't matter. We just won't share any blunts with her.

I was very shy. That's okay. I'm naturally timid, and I enjoyed partaking when I was brave enough to say something.

I'm taking a huge step today by seeking to meet with a college adviser on campus today to figure out the mess of credits I'd like to transfer and put towards a degree. I have to be at least half-way to a BA by now, haha. The whole going-to-school-but-not-for-a-degree thing is fun, and much easier on my fragile psyche, but it's been long enough. I want to take harder courses, and I need proof that I've taken the general bologna courses to register. So, starting that process today. Embracing the unknown by willing myself to stroll into that office. Rawr. Maybe I'll share that with the group tonight. ^~^

I've also been playing with polymer clay. So awesome! I want to sell some of the charms I make on etsy! I'm also going to get back into the sewing game and make some toys soon. As soon as I get my new machine up and ready. :D Very excited. Oh, oh oh!! and RESIN.

I'm gonna have to find a way to manage my time between clay/sewing/school/(work???)/BOYFRIEND/me-time. Yikes.

Rawr rawr rawr.

[puncturedbrainbarfbag]

Eesh...

After telling my mom that I don't want to do Birthday stuff on Sunday night, that I want to do it all on Monday instead, she tells me angrily that I am taking my birthday from her and my dad.

The saddest part? Neither of them remember me saying that last night or getting angry and argumentative about it. Because they were drunk. Today, I am on the defensive about my right to pick Monday as a reasonable alternative to Sunday night fun (REASONABLE, YES?)...I ask them if they're still mad. They ask me, "why? About what?" and then go on with their daily routine. They really hurt my feelings last night. I never get a sorry. :/

The funny thing: they assume I want to party my butt off on Sunday night, but, really, my plan is to come home early, as usual, and go to bed early that night. I even said I'd like to pop a beer open and chill before bed with them...

Another shitty thing about this next weekend is that I plan on having a talk with one of the people I stopped seeing. I'm going to tell her how I have felt about her for the past 8+ weeks, and that I can't be her friend anymore unless she quits drinking alcohol. The ironic thing about this is that I am going to celebrate my 21st literally the next day. While I know I won't really partake in alcohol besides a beer or some wine with the parents, it still feels wrong.. even though it will be okay! I know it will!

I'm really, really looking forward to my birthday. It will be quiet, I hope!

[puncturedbrainbarfbag]

He meant it

When I asked Boyfriend if he was serious about us not having to hang out with those friends anymore, he said he meant it. I'm so relieved. I'm getting on with that familiar ritual of removing people from my life.  

It's so similar to removing the eyelashes that hurt.

I'm not going to beat myself up about this. I reread what I wrote about what's been happening between us and it made me more confident that this is what I want to do. I don't care about the lack of communication between everyone either. I'm not ready to talk to any of them about it, no matter how badly I want to.

I am, however, afraid of the unknown (which GAD group has urged me to embrace). What will we do instead of hanging out with them? I honestly enjoyed socializing and coming out of my shell around them when things were good. I looked forward to it every weekend! Now, the hyperactive planner in me is like "?????????????" what do!?

I must embrace the unknown. Things are changing all around us all the time. That's so scary. I'm looking forward to moving onward past this all.

Maybe someday I'll have some brainballs and communicate with these people again. Maybe not. I'll get over it. My life wasn't turned upside down.

[puncturedbrainbarfbag]

Hee-Haw

Anyone else wish they were a VHS tape that could be rewinded and replayed after the best night's sleep of their life? A conscious VHS tape, that is.

I love it when I am able to really fall asleep for the night. I'm so used to just rolling around in bed and having conversations with people in my head until I realize it's been all night. I don't think I moved at all until I woke up to appeese the potty gods.

Dang, man. I'm feeling good. I could skip through some daisies or something.

[puncturedbrainbarfbag]

Blah Blah!

I decided that I don't want to hang out with these people anymore. They are jerks. We visited them, and it was like stepping into a nightmare world for me. They weren't welcoming or nice (except for the guy who is truly pleasant to us no matter what), and they were pretty rude to us when we said our hellos. It was like talking to rocks.

I felt really doubtful about going because of my usual shiftiness and uncomfortable feelings about them, but I decided in the end that I needed to go-- I really wanted to have a beer with them for once since it has been so long..and how bad could it be? I really thought it was going to be fine. But they were zombies! I don't know if they were just tired from all of the fun things they did without us all day (bitter me) or if they were having a disagreement or anything. I have no clue. They were just very rude to us and ignored us for a while...one girl especially, even though we used to be really good friends and hung out with her all the time. She was only nice when we offered to share a blunt with her.

After that, it got worse. We go back to the house and boyfriend sits on the host's bed. I sit on the floor, even though boyfriend wants to sit with me on the bed. Sorry, honey. The host has an "anal" (her words) moment about where he sat on her bed, and then she disappears into the bathroom with drink mixing supplies for an hour. Boyfriend goes to investigate, and I don't know what happened, because I wasn't there, but, according to him,  she felt really bad about being anal about her bed and disappeared into the bathroom to drink it all away--which made me 1000000x more uncomfortable because this girl becomes Mr. Hyde when she drinks to black out. Now both boyfriend and I were uneasy about this gathering. He was frustrated about her anal moment directed at him, and I was just downright having an anxiety attack and drowning in the atmosphere.

I sat with boyfriend on the bed when he came back. I wasn't gonna keep on sitting alone anymore-- I needed to be near him to talk to him and to let him know what was going on with me. The host comes back from the bathroom and sat back on her bed, too.

What hurt the most for me, was the next thing she did.

She went, "Hey, X (boyfriend), look at this video."

She did not say, "Hey, X and Y (both of us), " or "Hey, you guys," or anything suggesting my involvement even though I was sitting right there, too. A foot away from her.

I told myself that she meant both of us, and that she just said it that way. Then she held out her phone with the video facing his face, not mine. She held it for him to look at, not me. He knew it hit me, too. I don't think she did it on purpose. I think she was just drunk. He took the phone and held it so I could see when he noticed I was getting more and more into my shell.

Still. That hurt. That is the kind of thing that follows me to my nightmares. I felt completely invisible that night. We gave two of them a ride. Would have been three, but we only had room for two. We only said we'd be taking them anyways. The girl who turned nice when we shared a blunt seemed pretty irritated about that. Oh well. She assumed we'd break the law and put her on someone's lap. Nope. We only said we'd take the two home when we communicated about it.

The guy who is nice to us.. I truly see him as a friend. We used to talk all the time, everyday almost. I know I am assuming this, but I think it is because his girlfriend asked him to stop talking to me. He completely stopped talking to me one day after he drunk dialed me one night and left the most hilarious but kind of creepy voice mail on my phone. I brought it up when we were all together one night because it was funny and simply something to laugh about, and his girlfriend immediately got mad at him for the rest of the night. She didn't like that. I guess she didn't know that he called. Maybe it was because he called my phone specifically. I don't know. Since then, he has never initiated a conversation with me. I've been so paranoid that he didn't like me anymore as a friend. And even more paranoid about his girlfriend, especially if she had suspicions of me talking to him. Who knows what she felt about it. But since then, it's been downhill.

After we dropped them off for the night, we ended up in a Safeway parking lot being mad. I ended up finally crying. The boyfriend paced around the parking lot. He didn't like how it went. He said it'd be okay if we didn't see them anymore, but I'm not sure if he meant it. I know they are his friends (and they truly like him, I think). He could have said it to make me feel better. He also had really, really, really, really blue balls that day. Every time we tried to remedy that, something got in the way (sore knees in the shower, quarrels, miscommunications)... Doubt, doubt doubt.

Whatever. When we got home, we were right again. We cuddled up so nicely that night. And the next day was...amazing ( ;););););););) ). And the day after that.

I love this man. I can trust him. I've been trying to be more emotionally honest with him (which, really, starts with me being honest to myself), and that has been wonderful. It's like when we first started dating again (fire!), and I have been having way less anxiety since I started group and school. I think he has been happy about that. Or at least relieved, haha. I know I have been feeling better. Even the bad night with our friends doesn't seem to hurt as much as I know it could.

PLUS,

It could have been a huge misunderstanding. We'll know when we know when it comes to that. Blah.

Blah blah.

[puncturedbrainbarfbag]

My First All-For-Me Blunt

I'm in love. Such a treat!

[puncturedbrainbarfbag]

I really think I am making progress from the GAD group. Good vibes good vibes~~~~

[puncturedbrainbarfbag]

I found old writings from 2005-2007

I don't get how I was so in-tune with my own feelings. Today, I struggle trying to figure out what exactly my feelings are.

One thing's very clear in what I wrote, though: loneliness and resentment.

[puncturedbrainbarfbag]

Cannabis Honey Straws

Bring it on, Bedtime.

[puncturedbrainbarfbag]

Gooey Gooey Mush

u_u Bracing myself for the oncoming barrage of emotions ready to come forth from my ovaries.

Harrumph! Gonna get my munchies on and watch kissy-kissy goo-goo movies.

[puncturedbrainbarfbag]

Group again tonight. I skipped last week. I don't feel bad, but I do a little. It's not that I feel uncomfortable there, but I feel like it isn't what I need when it comes to help. I wish the doctor wasn't so quick to tell me what's wrong with me and how to treat it. I think it's a lot more than GAD, doc.

But I am going tonight anyways. Blah.

While I look forward to sitting in a circle of strangers, I am dreading seeing friends this weekend. I'm going to ask about having a sober birthday party. Hopefully they won't be jerks about it.

The last time I remember anything about a no-drinking rule, it didn't go well and it ended with someone getting blackout drunk and throwing a toddler's tantrum. Not for me. :/

[puncturedbrainbarfbag]

I just wrote a very large letter to my parents about who I am/how I have always felt/why I feel like I was raised to be a mess. Too bad they will never see it. Probably.

The gist: I was raised to hate myself for having feelings that I could not help feeling, no matter how hard I tried to feel differently, and I needed parents to offer support instead of telling me not to feel how I did.

I've been having a hard time with coming to terms about these feelings. I am very angry when I think about how my parents treated me and ignored my pain. I know I can't just walk up to them and call them out on it.

Part of it is knowing that they'd interrupt me to remind me about how much of a difficult child I was. So, it's a one-sided letter.

[puncturedbrainbarfbag]

I had a nice weekend. I want new friends. My boyfriend did a good job on being there for me instead of letting me know how irrational my adverse feelings were. I'm getting the feeling that our friends aren't for me.

I was anxious from hanging out with friends. They were drinking and getting pissed off and belligerent. Since there's no more smoking at our friend's house, I was basically sober until we left to smoke a few bowls. I absolutely feel like I get anxious around belligerently drunk people because of how my parents (especially my mom) (don't forget grandma, too) were drunk anytime past 4 pm when I was a child/teen. I don't like remembering our social interactions from then.

My friends very much remind me of that when they're drunk to the point of arguing for the sake of winning, even when they're wrong on their facts. I might bring up something interesting I heard on the news or read somewhere online, and they'll either:

*Ignore me completely

*Acknowledge me but then start talking over me like I'm not there

*Listen but not really

JUST LIKE MY PARENTS. I end up closing my mouth and pretending I never tried to say anything in the first place. Then, I just wait for the party to die. I love my friends, but I feel like I'm not a valued part of the group to them at all. It comes down to me feeling like I'm not taken seriously. My parents never took me seriously, and they were even worse with alcohol.

I don't like being sent to memory lane. I struggle with that.

On another note, how screwed up would it be if I asked for my birthday to be a no-drinking party. They probably wouldn't like the idea. But they don't have to be there. :D