purplemoonshark

[purplemoonshark]

Childhood trauma may make you worry about growing up resembling your parents: you may recognize their tone when you speak, or react like them on occasions. You may fear not being able to be different or free yourself from their toxic traits, and it may make you feel defective or bad as a person: all this may trigger you and have you overreact in case of triggers. Childhood trauma generally makes a person lose their sense of self and therefore wonder if you are inherently good. Anytime you fear becoming as your parents, remember that this feeling alone is a sign of you having reached a great level of self awareness, something that they probably lack.

You're very likely just behaving as a human: even if you share certain occasional traits with your caregivers or any other human being you may consider "bad", you aren't doomed to be a bad person too. Not to mention that probably you have picked up a behaviour from your parents to save yourself, and this doesn't mean you're a copy of them at all: this single trait of you doesn't define you. And you can even unlearn this trait with time and patience, and welcoming it for the time being, just to understand where it comes from and care for it (our shadow traits are still part of us, a scared part of us, a scared mini-us -our child version, if you want-, and we cannot pretend they'll heal and leave us alone if we keep them at a distance and don't wanna listen to them. I mean... how can a child stop crying if you close them in a dark room alone?)

You can change anything you want of yourself as you grow more in touch with yourself and become aware also all the differences you share with your parents/caregivers. Focus on these too, not just on what may make you occasionally similar. This trigger is just a reminder of where you were and the journey you're going through to become yourself.

(me + source)

[purplemoonshark]

I think part of the reason why there's this stereotype that trans men* aren't feminists is because so many feminist spaces either treat our needs as lesser or that because we (often, not always) transition away from womanhood to any capacity, that means we've given up every impulse to the "sisterhood" and must fend for ourselves.

I've seen so many people assume that we're just... not in feminist spaces because we're misogynistic, but in reality, so many of us just do not feel welcome as trans men* and it really is hard to be in spaces that implicitly or explicitly say that your issues are second to everything else.

I just find it interesting how people imagine trans men* to be, because in my experience, we tend to be majority feminist or rooting for gender equality and equity. The stereotype that trans men* aren't feminists and are instead misogynistic for whatever reason is, most often than not, false. I bring this up because I want these spaces to be welcoming to as many people as possible, for trans women, for trans men, for queer women, because we have shared interests and we have points of solidarity.

[purplemoonshark]

[purplemoonshark]

I'm genuinely so over the idea that kindness must be selfless, noble, and completely sterile in order to "count."

Kindness is a skill, and it is still kindness even if you do it for "selfish" reasons. It takes effort to be kind and to choose kindness, and frankly, I'd rather somebody treat me kindly because they're a little selfish than to treat me like shit because "well, kindness has to be absolutely self-aggrandizing and self-flagellent"

It isn't always a bad thing to be kind for selfish reasons. It's genuinely not worse than being rude, spiteful, hateful, and vindictive. We can only progress when we start valuing kindness over the appearance of kindness, which are two different things.

[purplemoonshark]

When I got top surgery, it was in a city 2 hours away from the town I live in. My parents and immediate family were supportive. I thought I planned out my recovery adequately- I had the bandages and moisturizers, the pillows and gentle soaps, and I was living with my parents and younger siblings, so there would be no shortage of people to help me around the house. My mother drove me there, and then back into town. We passed my pharmacy and she said "I'm too tired to pick up your pain meds right now. I'll just get them tomorrow." I was tired. I said okay. My family then refused to get my pain meds for 3+ days (it became a blur because of the pain). I had to take care of myself and pushed far past the limits set for me by my surgeon. My parents only got my medication when I developed a fever of 103 F. A point at which my post op instructions said I should've been in the hospital, but they didn't want to take me. So they got my meds instead. I don't know if this was on purpose. I think my folks are just very mentally ill and prioritized their own emotional pain for seeing me in that state over actually helping me. My fever went down. Physically, I healed. I kind of went (pardon my language) nuts for the next year. It was like my brain broke and all my triggers went off at once. My mind didn't work right in a way that I have never experienced before or since. I felt like a burnt, frayed nerve-- like I was raw, with no skin-- like a live wire, constantly zapping. It's so hard to describe that feeling; there are no words for it. I almost ended my life.

There's more to it than that. But it is painful to even talk about. I just wanted to get some of it off my mind somewhere. I suppose I'm trying to figure out how to explain my trauma the next time I get a therapist. And also say, please pick up your meds and explain how very incapacitated you will be to your caregivers before you have surgery. I feel, genuinely, that I was tortured.

[purplemoonshark]

Hello... this is an introduction post for my blog.

I am non-binary and use he/him pronouns. I chose purple moon shark because it's my fave color, fave not-a-planet-I-guess, and fave animal. It's also very funny to me that it can be shortened to PMS as a former period have-r. This is going to be a mental health focused blog, where I share things that are relevant to my mental health experiences, mental healing, and trauma. I have cPTSD and some other diagnoses that I am not sure are accurate like; autism spectrum disorder, adhd, panic disorder, and major depressive disorder.

Thanks for visiting. May you find healing. May you find light.