putdowntheknifejohn

[putdowntheknifejohn]

fuck algebra i don’t need it just give me a dead body and i’ll figure it out from there

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Whoa. I didn't think nature would allow this.

John about Mr. Crowley

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It all started on the thirteenth hour of the thirteenth day of the thirteenth month. We were there to discuss the misprinted calendars the school had purchased.

April Cleaver

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John: Hey, Mr. Crowley! How would you like to take a walk nowhere in particular while wearing a blindfold?

Mr. Crowley: Meh, beats just sitting around being old.

[putdowntheknifejohn]

Hadn't realised I reblogged those here instead of to my main; have some quotes by way of an apology!

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an inspiration to us all

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the only alignment chart i'll accept

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Rack: You remind me of my wife.

John: I'm sorry.

Rack: I said you remind me of my wife.

John: No, I'm sorry that you said that while making heavy eye contact and applying lip balm.

[putdowntheknifejohn]

“uhhhh what do i press to pay respects”

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I actually meant to reblog this to my main but it's relevant here.

so i started a new book

*drags hands down face*

[putdowntheknifejohn]

Uh, shit, fuck, abort! I meant to reblog those to my main.

[putdowntheknifejohn]

so…..youtubers au?

marci is a popular horror let’s-player who skyrocketed in views after her vlog/rant on misogyny in the gaming community went viral

john does niche true crime videos in the vein of buzzfeed unsolved. when it begins to look like there’s a serial killer operating near him, he eagerly tracks the case, unearthing debates about what it means to love true crime, and if it’s tasteless or insensitive

marci is a casual viewer and, upon seeing the raging comments section in his fifteen-second response video(“bad can be interesting, and being interested in wrong things isn’t the same as approving of them” *turns off camera*), comes to his defense

he isn’t really sure how to respond to that, and she says he can thank her by listening to a collab pitch at vidcon, which he is reluctantly going to

john: i’m not doing it. i’m not. what she did was nice and all, but she’s a horror gamer, and i fucking hate horror, the gore is always so fake-” *sees marci* “and that could totally be fun to mock i’m in”

she has him do a two-player on a game based on famous murder cases, every level being a riff on a different one. her subscribers go crazy for it. their banter is legendary within minutes of the first upload.

john hesitantly asks if she would be interested in doing a special on female serial killers. she accepts with a smirk that makes him forget he was telling himself he was only doing it to be fair

by this point, the rpf has already started rolling in, and her guest spot fans the flames. his longtime fans are quick to point out that she makes him look almost as happy as jeffrey dahmer’s fbi file being released.

they run off on a tangent during the shoot about whether or not having jack the ripper as the final boss was too cliched, and john has to admit that he genuinely enjoys her company

by this point, the rpf has already started rolling in, and her guest spot fans the flames. his longtime fans are quick to point out that she makes him look almost as happy as jeffrey dahmer’s fbi file being released.

john, reading comments: they’re saying we should do a series. and something about a jarci. is that a character from one of your video games?

he googles it before she can decipher the sentence from the kitchen and learns what colorful conclusions his viewers have drawn about his sexual preferences

she asks a half-catatonic john to show her the camera he has where the most recent body was found, just in case the killer comes back

he’s still staring into space when they get there. when he walks right past the tree where it’s hidden, marci has to ask wtf is up, and he blurts, “ARE WE DATING AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME?”

she shrugs, grins and says, “everybody thinks we should. i mean, they have a point. our chemistry is off the charts.”

that camera never did capture anything worth showing the police, but it does have footage of two idiots kissing in the snow

john, waking up to a million screaming notifications: i forgot to turn off the fucking stream

but it’s just as well; marci’s next video is possibly the weirdest iteration of the boyfriend tag ever

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Marci: What's this outfit supposed to be?

John: Well I'm sorry if you don't like my breaking and entering clothes, but it's what I could get together in a short amount of time.

[putdowntheknifejohn]

There once was a boy named John Wayne Cleaver, and he almost deserved it.

The opening narration if there was any that wasn't by John I mean let's be real

[putdowntheknifejohn]

Hey, everybody, I know I haven’t posted in . . . a while, let’s just say, BUT! I’m currently amassing quotes and hoping to start posting them soon in celebration of the sixth and final book, which I recently learned comes out in early June. I’m not as far along as I’d like; I’ve got six quotes in my drafts and only like four of them, but I just got a laptop for my birthday, and I’ll be looking for some good ones in the days to come, so here’s hoping.

[putdowntheknifejohn]

When do you think you'll get off of hiatus?

First off, I’m sorry this is so late. I don’t really have an excuse, I just kinda . . . yeah. Anyways, this really isn’t the answer that you wanna hear after, like, a month of waiting on me to actually reply, but I really have no idea. It could be a few weeks or a year, and that’s honestly the best I’ve got. Sorry it’s so unhelpful/nonspecific.