pyrus-salicifolia - Tumblr blog

[pyrus-salicifolia]

I think you’re allowed to dislike your family

[pyrus-salicifolia]

You can’t be trying to convince me how bad this thing is, how expensive it is, how much it doesn’t suit me and you don’t like it for me, and then when I say “ok, I won’t buy it then” buy it for me and act like I should be grateful. Like I will be able to enjoy it normally low after everything you said.

[pyrus-salicifolia]

They keep acting surprised as if it wasn’t their responsibility

[pyrus-salicifolia]

Making enormous effort to re-connect with someone, get to know them all over again, and try to build familiarity and comfort between us because I think they’re a cool and interesting person to talk to only to fall back on my comfortable, natural state of “I’ll only initiate a conversation when I really have something to say, know for sure the other party will want to talk about, am sure it will lead to a long and interesting conversation that I can follow and carry forward, and have interesting, never-before-used reactions to” meaning: never. I’ll never text. They always have to text first. No one likes me and I’m a bad friend.

[pyrus-salicifolia]

Actually, my friends, on average, have very positive feelings for me and even love me. My sister, who hates me and who I've never even seen as a friend anyway, is an outlier and should not be counted.

[pyrus-salicifolia]

I don’t know, I still have a hard time making friends even with other autistic people.

When I got my diagnosis a while ago, I kinda expected that I’d start talking to autistic people and make a bunch of friends and be effectively “fixed”. Since logically, I thought, I’d be able to communicate perfectly fine with people with the same thought process and struggles as me. We’d really get each other and become best friends.

That didn’t happen and I cried a lot. I can’t be the only one who experienced this, right? I feel like this is how autistic friendships are often portrayed. And sure, I have a few autistic friends who I’ve really bonded with, but it’s equally as difficult as maintaining a relationship with anyone else sometimes.

Like, I don’t see a lot of people talking about how you’re still autistic around other autistic people. You still have communication differences and difficulties around other autistic people. Yes sometimes the communication issues are a byproduct of objectively unreasonable societal rules, but other times you just find it difficult to start a conversation. And when the person you want to be friends with also finds it difficult to start a conversation, you might just end up not talking at all. Not being able to show interest (at least in a way other people can perceive or understand) is another example I can think of.

I’ve thought a lot about this lately as I’ve tried getting to know another autistic person and building a friendship with them. I’ve talked to them about, and the feeling seems to be mutual so this doesn’t come from one-sided attempts. Once we actually get going and have a conversation, I feel so comfortable and able to be myself, and I have so much fun. But we rarely get to that point ‘cause we both find it hard to approach the other. When I feel like I want to talk to them, but can’t make myself, and when they haven’t talked to me in a while, I find myself thinking the same things I think when I want to talk to an allistic person: “why can’t I just be normal?”, “why is it so difficult to start a conversation?”, “how am I supposed to react to this?” and so on. And it’s so frustrating because I have so much to say and I know it’s fun to talk to them.

I don’t know how well I articulated myself there, but I just wanted to express my frustration and hopefully prompt other people to discuss this. I don’t want to feel alone in this.

[pyrus-salicifolia]

I just saw someone use the phrase “go nonverbal” to describe not talking for a while. Like BY CHOICE. Just not talking.

Like, “I was having a conversation with my friends but I’ll let myself go nonverbal (=not talk for a while) and listen to them instead”

[pyrus-salicifolia]

I can’t deal with them only telling me they love me when they’re crying and lonely.

Like I’m sorry, but what about literally two seconds ago when you told me that I should ask what my friends really think of me. Or before that when you said no one actually thinks I’m fun to be with. Or all the other times you’ve thrown every insult you can think of and made me feel insecure.

But sure, let’s hug and play until you feel better.

[pyrus-salicifolia]

im anxious > talking to friends helps > my friends probably hate me > isolation > im even more anxious !

[pyrus-salicifolia]

stress really loves to make itself worse huh?

[pyrus-salicifolia]

I can’t possibly be expected to keep up with everything

[pyrus-salicifolia]

you know when you wanna make vent art but perfectionism is part of the vent and it won’t let you do anything because it won’t be “good enough” even if it’s just for the sake of venting

[pyrus-salicifolia]

I fixed my maladaptive coping mechanisms and replaced them with nothing. I want the old ones back