queen0fdestruction

[queen0fdestruction]

Alright Heaven almighty it’s just us tonight.

Should I scream and fight?

Nothing in my life is alright.

Please guide me tonight.

When the fear kicks in let me fight.

Just not tonight.

What’s next for me?

Sometimes I can’t breathe.

I feel as if I can’t speak.

Silenced by an unknown source.

Help me change my course.

Or I will do it with force.

I am done with being down, with no one else around.

Tell me can you hear my sound?

It’s like something is bleeping me out.

Drowning as I lay about.

I know I shouldn’t ask.

But when can I come out of the storm?

Must I lay here and bleed out?

What’s life about?

Help me spit it out.

I feel the anger creeping in.

No, not again.

You will not consume me.

Forget that, I made a new me.

You don’t own me, Hell I don’ t even know you.

Fuck pain I am threw.

I am Morphine leaking from the seems.

This is no longer a dream.

Guide me to peace.

Written by: Crystal Lynn Johnson

@ 11:23PM

[queen0fdestruction]

I finally feel happy, I finally feel free. Everything that is was meant to be. Right is right wrong is wrong, let Gods will be done.

Feel the rain in the untrimmed forest lies beautiful fae creatures.

In this land there is no wrong.

Frolic free with smiling faces, no more dread, no more sorrow, no more heartache, no more pain.

So spread your wings and sore overseas, islands, and shores.

I will always be yours.

Rest now and wait for me, and we will sell the sea, for ever after you’re allowed to be happy!

This is not goodbye, it is I will see you later. In the meantime enjoy yourself revel in the happiness, relief, hope, and freedom.

Written by Crystal Lynn Johnson October 8, 2021. At 9:23 PM

[queen0fdestruction]

Still searching for that person to finish my do it.

The one who will take me with no hesitation. The one who doesn't blind me with his charm. But comforts me with his arms. Lips on lips. Heart to heart. Every happy ending is a new beginning. We must create our own happiness. Not rely on others to give that to us. They said once you make yourself happy he will come along. Is it too much to ask?? I love to strongly I do everything with an intensity. I won't change who I am. I know deep within, I am the one he seeks. I take comfort in knowing you are out there I just haven't found you yet. Call it silly hope. But I know my worth. Or is it that I just refuse to love.

[queen0fdestruction]

This is what I choose to remember and say about my father.

I will not lie and say he was the best father ever! He made mistakes and I do believe they haunted him. But I have for gave him many times over and over again. I will never be able to completely understand what he struggled with internally. Even though we didn’t always get along it never stopped my love for him. I’ve always just wanted some of his time. Materials are just that materials! The way my father and I disconnected really sucks. However, I had to do it for my own mental health and for my daughter. Now the memories I choose to remember.

When I was 12 years old and we moved to Las Vegas we drove all the way from our apartment on blue diamond Road to the strip to eat panda express. We were listening to beauty and the beast by Celine Dion and Peabo Bryson. This was our favorite song to sing together he knew his parts and I knew my parts. My dad is the reason why I fell in love with music. He listen to a lot of love songs every time I hear Whitney Houston song, Celine Dion, Luther Vandross, or Mariah Carey I think of my dad.

When I got older and had a child of my own my favorite time of day was the walk to pick her up from school. I called my dad every time as I was locking the front door and we would talk from the time I picked her up and brought her home. That was our time that was also the time that we created national fuck you Thursday for my show the fiery Crips of hell! We used to joke and talk shit during our walk.

I will never forget the night that we went to karaoke and how proud of me he was when I got off the stage. He always pushed me to stay on my music! I remember several years back we had went to the canneries anniversary. My daughter and his girlfriend went off and we’re having fun. We sat back and just talked. Eventually we went for a walk we ended up all the way on the opposite side of Fremont. All we did was talk laugh and look at different things. I remember him getting excited because there was a gun shop! He loved his guns! There was a statue of a centipede that spit out fire we stood and talked feeling the heat and made a big joke because we both hated bugs! Most importantly out of everything the hardest time for me was always saying goodbye. He always managed to hug me and say he love me. Those are the moments that I cherish and I choose to remember.

I hope the demons plaguing him have finally subsided. I pray that he gets to rest in peace. I pray that God forgives him for everything he has done. I hope he heard the answer to his question. The last time I saw him he told me about his father and expressed how he felt. Then return he asked me what would you say about your father? I hope I’ve answered his question. And I pray that God allows him to hear my answer.

[queen0fdestruction]

I slept the chance to dream. His arms securing me. When he is here my fears disappear. I feel the intensity of his love. He offers it to me but then with draws. He is here to teach me, to guide me, and when I fall he is the one I call. He sees it all. As these tears fall towards my hands I begin to understand. I know that he knows I'm trying. He is telling me not to give up but to see, and to learn. He's telling me I'm so Close. His brilliant light shining through the dark, whispering right to my beating heart. As I wake things begin to click in place. I no longer want to erase. I forgive myself and those around me. For I have the greater love that surrounds me!

I love him too.

Written by: Crystal Johnson

8/21/2017

At 1:30 P.m.

[queen0fdestruction]

A great message from a great author! Make sure to check out her book series it’s awesome!

[queen0fdestruction]

I took a trip down memory lane! LOL that’s such an old saying. I just checked out one of my favorite bands from high school. Drowning Pool the very first album 2001 Sinner! Of course my psychotic birds are totally into this music! SMH. But it reminded me of how angry I was as a child and continue to drag that along with me throughout my life. I remember people blaming it on the music that kids were shooting up schools etc. when all actuality it was a place for the artist and musicians to release their anger. And kids just related to it! I never met a kid out of the 20 people I knew who loved drowning pool! That made the bodies hit the floor! Rolling my eyes anger starts from trauma, some people can check it off and not simmer in it! But unfortunately I was not one of those people. I stayed angry! I was able to relate more to the rock culture then I was what I grew up on. But I also listen to *NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, Boyz II Men, Mariah Carey and much much more! So don’t give me that bullshit that the music is what caused it! Maybe you finally pushed that person over the edge and they lashed out! For a kid like me and even as an adult I feel like the only place I fit in the society is in the music culture! It’s a safe place for me to get out my feelings and say it, have the balls to put it out there for others who feel the same to find a comfort. It doesn’t matter what style of music it comes out in it’s life-changing! I think it’s funny how a lot of people think that music is just an art. And it should not be made into a career. But let’s put it this way if it was not made into a career, none of us would have it to enjoy. Some people dedicate their life to performing for other people, and some perform for themselves. As a singer I am addicted to the rush, that people are listening finally listening to me! I felt ignored my entire life. Until I finally had the balls to step up on stage and 2008 and sing my favorite song hero by Mariah Carey. I saw how my individual voice made people feel. That screaming at the end and throughout the performance! It’s a fucking rush! And I crave it! Even if I’m not singing my own songs, I crave that rush! The Euphoria, it is addictive natural drug! The only difference is you get the same high and sometimes an even better one depending on the situation! You don’t need a drug, chemical, or even alcohol to fill this rush! It is a natural feeling and it lifts your spirits up! And crazily enough it helps your performance the sense of confidence, and the enjoyment all built into one amazing explosion within! So far as long as I live I will chase that rush! Just some reflective thoughts!

[queen0fdestruction]

The lions den. Your hearts raceing, time is pacing You feel like your locked in a caskit. Any moment your about to get blasted. Entering the lions den once again. Just remember the strain As your patterns stay the same. You can change your spots but the lion wont change its mane . Remember your fight The struggle to stay alive. Trapt in the paws of rhythm Running in place in it. As it pushed your face in it. You began drowning. Suffering all around you . Here you go creaping back in. This time with a plan . remember strategy is key. It only strikes on the weak.. So get in get out before it holds you here. You barely made it out last time with your pride. Everything you would have to lose, wont allow you to change. . Stop allowing the pain,, Just remember to gain, Nothing but strength! You walked in. no fear within. You weren’t suffocating. Blocking unwanted pons . You stand not alone without tears. Here comes closure . Oh shit it’s slowly trying to suck you back in. But your passave. Heart golden from all passed tears. You wear your heart on your sleeve although, it's covered and not transparent from within. On the out side your solid but inside your nothing but a liquid. Waiting to be molded. Just remember all the fear and loneliness came from here. You tell yourself it’s limited and borrowed time. But you know that inside you wanna stay because your addicted to the pain. But from this refrain.. Suffering is optional. See how much you’ve grown? Do you fucking see it? You pray not to be eaten. But your teaseing the predator in the den. No not this time. You don’t come in with raw meat on your skin. Your just passin threw to let go. So don’t let fear creap in. For it’s only a kitties den. Written by Crystal Lynn Johnson Feb. 24, 2019 9:19PM

[queen0fdestruction]

After all this time, how could you still be on my mind?

I still hear you in my dreams your words floating from the seams.

As the waves drift me across the sea. I look up, could it be? That you are floating above me? In the moment it was the time, the time to give you space, the time to be kind. But how are you here? I’m so amazed. You wrap me in a warm in brace. Saufley saying my name. As you play with my hair, I snuggle close to you and stare at the night sky, your bare chest pressed against my cheek all I can do is weep . I look into your eyes, it feels like no lost time. As if you remain mine for all time.

I look at your smile and I return it. But just suddenly there is a current waves fill your eyes, spilling down your cheeks. Your smile begins to fade, as I wipe the tears from your eyes you shake your head. My heart is filled with dread. Was it something I said? You drop me abruptly stepping backwards continuously shaking your head. My heart aches as I try to figure out what’s wrong in my head. One hand over your heart, my lips begin to part.

I want to recite what’s written on my heart. The wind blows and tears us apart. I desperately look around for any sign But the waves swallowed you disappearing from my sight .

Silent tears I cry, reaching searching but cannot fine. The scene becomes blurry, like I’m traveling through time. All the while you’re still on my mind. I blink my eyes and for a second I see you but you are no longer mine. My heart breaks, falling all around me like shattered Glass I gasp! Holding my chest, I sit up in bed all alone still filled with dread. Was it something I said?

Written by; Crystal Lynn Johnson

September 30, 2019 at 1:49 AM

[queen0fdestruction]

Happy today. but sad tomorrow! who knows what may come when dawn breaks. I shall love like the wind blows. smile like the sun rise. Love each memory and hope for more! Take pictures in my head to last even after i'm gone This is my moment to shine and i won't waste a dime!.

[queen0fdestruction]

Once upon a time there was a girl, that would bow down and did everything everyone asked of her. Now that girl is just a shell of herself and she’s trying to refill. One point in time she felt on top of the World ready to take on anything that came her way! But now she’s lost her way, I need to re-find it. My hopes for the future are great, my determination is returning.

I am stronger than I think, and I don’t give myself enough credit. But the best thing about me is I don’t give up

I am here for a reason and will remain here till I meet my destiny!

Written by;

Crystal Lynn Johnson

On June 21,2020. At 9:00 a.m

[queen0fdestruction]

Press Play

I wrote you a song, did you ever let it play?

I guess you don’t care what I say, you never listen anyway.

Why can’t you let the music play?

I wait for your words but you say nothing anyway.

So when you're sitting in silence maybe you will hit play.

It will be too late anyway.

File has been removed.

Sadly the song was written for you, now it’s someone else’s auto tune.

Written by: Crystal Lynn Johnson

July 5,2021 @ 12:30 AM

[queen0fdestruction]

I am on a road to recovery. This journey has been long and stressful. There has been times where I was ready to give up. It is so much easier to just give in to the pain and let it consume me. However, there is something always pulling me back to a state of mind saying don’t give up. For that day I find the strength to get up and do something about it. Even when I am told it will never happen. I get satisfaction in proving that I can. Without a challenge I fill worthless. I end up breaking my own heart most of the time. I don’t want to be defined by my struggles. I have learned to let things go. However, I know things from the past can never be rewritten. I have been focusing on today rather then yesterday. I just can’t seem at the moment to think for tomorrow. But one step at a time. I have learned so much since my mental break. More so about myself and things I could’ve done better. I am still learning how to fix the broken parts. It’s not an easy task. Bad habits die hard. A very old cliché I know. As I grow I find meaning in things I thought I understood but come to find out I was so clueless. I finally enjoy who I am. But sometimes I back track. I ask myself what is wrong with me. Why can’t I get anywhere. I have made the choice to move forward and seek out what I know I can be and what I want to be. I looking for ways to become what I was destined to become. That’s where the problems lie I always second guess myself when I should not. I always would seek answers to my own questions by asking others. Now I understand I need to learn how to answer my own questions. Only I have the answers to make myself happy. I need to learn how to stop worring about other people when it comes to my own happiness. I don’t rely on someone else to take that roll. I know I am the key to my success. It’s time to pack up all the pain and anger. I need to use it in a productive way. Not enough to hinder my future but to better it. But i will not change my personality to better suit someone elses needs. I finally know my own worth. It was not something that happened over night. I took some serious soul searching to understand and love myself. I don’t need a man to live, however I would like a man by my side. Someone to challenge me every day. One that is not afraid to take a risk. I have been looking in the wrong places for love. This pattern must end. The person I want doesn’t have to be me in a mirror but must have their own personality. Must be able to take my since of humor and doesn’t take things to heart. I like to laugh and joke. I also have limits and boundaries to. I don’t want a man who fills a pay check will keep me. I just want love and affection. I need it in moderation. Someone who can give me space and enjoys having their own space. Who doesn’t freak out when a couple hours go by and no word. Someone who knows me enough not to get jealous when I am chilling with my friends. Someone who knows I am loyal and when I dedicate my time to someone it’s for keeps. I don’t want to play games. I don’t have a perfect pass but this person is not from the past. I am not a stupid little girl anymore. I hurt a lot of people and I have been hurt. I am not here to deceive a man. I am looking for that man I can spend my life with. He doesn’t have to be perfect. All I want is loyalty and communication and honesty. I don’t want to be a title. I want to be someone you can lean on. Someone to connect with. I want someone to listen but not be sympathetic and understands that I am not a charity case. I want a man who can fulfill my wants. I got my needs. Intimacy is what I seek. 50 50 is what I am looking for. Don’t demand something your not willing to give as well. I know I will get there some how. Just need to find the right path. Random thoughts.

[queen0fdestruction]

Lies that I've live by my whole life. I am ugly. But I know I'm beautiful. I'm stupid, but I got my GED. I will never amount to anything. But I'm in college. No one wants me. But my phone never stops ringing. I don't think before I speak, but I never stop thinking. I'm fat because I eat too much. But I'm fat because I don't eat enough. I cant sing. But everyone around me cheers when I released my voice. He doesn't want me. But I don't need him. Everyone hates me. But they always smile when I arrive. These are just some of the lies. Half of them are not worth my time. I tell myself not to fill, not to cry. The feelings that I hold inside are enough to destroy me. But help me fly feeding the fire inside. In this bed is where I lie. How I lie lie and lie. . Broken hearted is how I cry. I wish he loved me her and I. And hope is where I rise, and fault is where i subside. This is my voice now hear my cries. No more thoughts of you and I, but that makes me want to die. Surrounded by for bidden lies an empty crys Where is my forever guy? I know I deserve better but settle for less. Even though they don't pass the test. I just want to find a place to rest. Where is the girl I used to be? Strong, loyal, and do not wish to deceive. This is not who I want to be. I struggle to take my time. How the time flies I feel like progress is not on my side. Help me release these feelings I hide. I want to live in this time. My past is full of fears, tears, deceit, damage, and Defeat! As I lay in this bed, the pillows Caress my head. My heart is clenched my stomach is sick. But somehow I still do it. This gift I have let it shine four is all I know. The only real thing I'm good at. I want to let my feelings show, but is that a sign of weakness? Or room to grow? Second-guessing is my best, but I always passed the test. In the dark i am fearless but in the light I'm reluctant. Hold me now for I feel as if I will break. Glue the pieces back together with tape. the beat will continue. The show must go on! Written by Crystal lynn Crystal Johnson

[queen0fdestruction]

honesty is thy enemy. No matter the intent. it is loyal to anguish. Do not question your sanity. That’s its game. You are the last survivor. With out a doubt. Nothing has ever kept you down. Never surendor. Take it by the invisible thread, without dread. You do what you feel inside, Even if you bearly fly. Troubled any time you lie. By Salvaging fear infested in your mind. Jeopardizing your pride.you possess the cure. Internal pain hurts more then the physical strain . absorbing lies. Leaveing you nostalgic. Even though attempts may seem feudal, Your patience was extraordinary. . Seeking truth is your destiny. Your strength is larger than ye gerth. Here on gods green earth. People you bruse and bind. For they are insufficient for your time. For better or for worse redemption is the curse. Lerking in the shadows, do not sercome for thy enemy is near. The redemption is not what we fear. Your moves contradict your meaning. But as long as your still breathing. Shield thee, it may be miss leading. Follow thy intuition. Half truths are your biggest clue. Make the right moves. If you fall. Dust them all. For they are pons in anothers game. Lost and forgotten scared and ashamed. For these pons you play remain the same. Trust was key, but not given to thee. So do not cry, for the fear will subside. Lies are the evil that lie beneath . You see the truth threw a warrior’s eye. Written by crystal johnson. On October 17, 2016. Inspired by blue flame by Joe Jonah.