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We don't speak of the Suessifixion

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Alt text: Cat murders members of small retirement community over the course of 20 years; killed hundreds, officials fear

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GOD I just want to be CREATIVE but all my energy is being used to survive

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Can confirm. My power is absolutely destroying my relationship.

wonder woman 1984 is about how you can either be powerful or have a boyfriend

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You ever just look at yourself and think, “Wow. I really did it. I really blew my life the fuck up, am unemployed, have zero prospects, and have had to put my plan of having a child on hold because I blew my life up and I deserve everything but also, this fucking sucks?”

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My hairstylist and lifelong bestie: And are you going to have time to style this?

Me: Uhh...

[Bestie stops cutting]

Me: Probably not all the time.

Bestie: That's right. I asked it and then was like,, "Ain't no way this bitch right here is ever going to blow-dry this shit forward." I'm going to completely change how I do the cut.

She right. Ain't no way.

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100% my fat, four-eyed, Odyssey of the Mind ass would have been in love with Scott after slow dancing at a post-football game dance where he asked if he could put his hands around my waist... but like, my natural waist.

I would swoon, we would set up a date and then he'd back out last minute and I would be devastated... then he'd come out like a goddamn Munchkin ready to gawk at Dorothy the next week.

Years later, I would regail my friends with how I almost bearded for Captain America's little brother while secretly wondering if the thought of a singular date with me was so daunting he said "Fuck it" and came out because it would be easier.

Or did y'all fatties get to date nice gay guys in high school?

baby christopher 🥺

do you think would you have been friends with chris and scott as children?

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tis the season

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Future MIL: We still need to meet your parents.

Me: Well, the pandemic messed that up.

Future MIL: How about we come to your small apartment... if that means I have to come over and clean, I'll do it.

She has been to our place once, when I was recovering from surgery mid-term of law school. ONCE.

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The people who were lusting over Eomer instead of Legolas in 2002 really knew what was up.

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Did I miss the part of the conversation where we discuss how Chris Evans and Adam LaVorgna are friends?

Screw the Lily James story, I need to know if Adam and Chris are a part of a "Dumped By Jessica Biel" support group?

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100% a raised by a catholic mother thing... my partner once told me they'd choose me over their mother and I had to question the whole damn relationship before informing them that I was the wrong answer and, if we were ever to have kids, they would need to know that the loyalties shift from us to the children.

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How to tell if someone was popular in high school

Step 1: Ask them if their high school had cliques

If they answer, “No, my school didn’t really have cliques,” they were definitely popular in high school.

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Homegirl wrote a series of books on race wars where she felt it necessary to give almost every magical supremacist an arc of redemption...

How did we not see this coming?

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Remember when there were only 3 Chrises, none were part of a homophobic church group, and playing Fuck, Marry, Kill was hard?

Stop including Pratt - he is problematic AF...

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If I could bottle any feeling, it would be the pure bliss that comes from sending someone a funny pic and hearing them laugh from the other room.

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You know how 90% of girls born in the 80s have Marie and Nicole as their middle names?

What if all of our parents legit just wanted us to be able to be awesome?

Person 1: Damn, Jessica sure can hold a grudge!

Jessica [Marie]: Bitter is my middle name!

Person 2: And what is with Katie! She's so competitive!

Katie [Nicole]: Victory is my middle name...