quietstormxr

[quietstormxr]

Shelter in Every Storm

Part 2

Xaden POV - Companion to 'Home'

A/N: FW, IF, and OS Spoilers (They're small, but you've been warned.), grief, loss, panic attacks, violence

Word Count: >27k

Follows Xaden's POV through 'Home', beginning from the reunion at Cordyn

Forgotten - Tomorrow, Always Tomorrow - Home

For all those that were looking for different formats, here ya go!

Ao3 - Features the whole story, from beginning to current release.

Tumblr - More digestible chunks of this beast of a post.

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Sour. The taste in my mouth. The words on my tongue. Everything is sour. Shadows roam over my feet, restless and wanting an outlet, edges sharp reflecting my internal feelings, but the only mask I can wear is one of civility. A civility that hasn’t been earned, yet I’m demanded to give. Control is the only thing keeping me from frantically skulking through the halls. Pulling open every door, looking under every cover, all the gardens and every single stone.

Being in Cordyn is doing nothing but churning my stomach, the memories of my betrothal to Cat far too close to the surface. The memory of the eyes that haunt every hour of everyday pulsing behind my eyes. The bile in my throat rising that she could be here, anywhere. Hiding in the next face that passes in front of me yet still hidden and as good as if she were on the other end of the continent. But the true punch to my gut is hope. 

Hope.

A silly little word that I never thought could bring me to my knees. A feeling so keen, it’s currently causing my heart to beat an erratic rhythm. 

Hope that has blossomed into my chest in a bud so close to bursting. The only thing I want to do is march myself through these halls that drip with fake opulence and search every single nook and cranny. Turning up every stone of false beauty, the masks the nobles of Cordyn wear hiding the crumbling rocks behind them.  

Instead, I’m left pacing the velveteen carpets of a room that I unfortunately know too well. A scoff escapes me as I go over the trip here and walk down these halls. Violet as always pushing for information, details, absolutely any and every single molecule of information I would give her. 

But I can’t. 

I won’t. 

Not only is it not pertinent to her, since we aren’t together, but those are memories that I only want to share with one person. Experiences that I want her to know so she can truly see each and every broken piece of me. The person whose eyes I’ve been searching for again with every weapons drop since the news of Zolya and Cliffsbane broke. 

Pressing Syrena has gotten me nowhere, and I know better than to ask Catriona a single question about my Blaze. If she knew how much she truly means to me, she would only inflict the worst emotional pain she possibly could. It’s the entire reason why I always let her believe that my feelings towards Y/N were less than reciprocated. But now, if I find my Blaze here, I know she’ll see the full truth of my lies. 

The truth of the feelings I’ve tried to bury for her safety. A decision that now adds to the mountain of regret and heartbreak piling onto my chest. A weight that hasn’t left since flying away from Resson. 

“Wearing a hole in the floor isn’t going to make things go any faster.” It’s that comment that makes my head jerk up and glare at the man that joins me in dressing. 

“No, it will not, but would you prefer me to give you a black eye instead? Maybe a broken nose, so I can displace some energy?” My voice is cold, the words colder, but I have no patience. 

Especially not after being dragged along with the Sorrengail siblings on this farce of a trip. I can forgive Violet’s naïveté when dealing with Tecarus, but I can’t excuse Brennan. He’s been dealing with the ever-changing attitude of the Viscount for years.

He should know better. 

But no. 

Apparently, I seem to be the only one with my head screwed on straight. I huff in irritation and run a hand through my hair while taking a glance at out the window towards the setting sun. 

Experience dictates that dinner will begin at eight sharp but knowing the Viscount, he is prepared for a show that will come beforehand.

“Come on. Let’s get this over with.” I murmur under my breath before pulling my tunic taught and heading out the door, not concerned with how I look. 

The shadows still writhe at my feet, desperate to search for the one person that they long to wrap around, but I hold them close. Instead, letting my eyes scan the halls, every few feet they switch from the left to the right, a move I usually never partake in. Not since I was taught that a Duke never searches a crowd, he lets the supplicant come to him.

Though this time, I find myself the supplicant, and I will beg on my hands and knees for just a fucking glimpse of her. I will crawl or plead for her to give me the damn time of day. But instead of letting anyone else know this information, I just continue walking, back straight and head held high, eyes still swinging to the left and right. 

Faces in the crowd, some familiar, some not, bleed into nothingness as I keep coming up empty. Disappointment begins to coil, a tight grip on the small bubble of hope that had garnered in my chest. I refuse to let myself dwell, refuse to give up the small amount of hope that settled into my bones since that weapons drop. 

Even only seeing her eyes became a balm to my nerves, to the grief, and to the tension that hasn’t really given up its hold. Though there’s still a slight misgiving coursing through my veins, uncertainty that it was truly her gathers in the back of my mind. I toss the thought aside, not willing to let myself dwell on the possibility. 

As Brennan and I finally enter the patio area of this miserable palace, true as etiquette normally demands, we walk to stand towards the center of the room, waiting for the rest of the ladies to join us. 

Time continues to tick, and my irritation grows, the difficulty in holding my face neutral beginning to become apparent as I feel the sneer gracing my lips. As the last tether on my patience pulls taught, the click of heels brings me out of my own brooding. Turning, I can’t help the way my eyebrow lifts at the sight that greets me. 

The women drift forward with Catriona and Syrena leading, Violet and Mira follow behind. Every single woman making a statement of their own. Syrena keeping command, never trading the practicality of pants and tunic, perfectly poised for a fight. Catriona, a striking difference to her sister, parading around trying to look like the embodiment of sin in a deep crimson dress. Behind them both a spectacle of black, not daring to venture from the comfort color of a rider, though no less stunning. Mira’s dress is plain, but her beauty shines through even in the subtle velvet gown she wears. Violet, on the other hand, commands attention in an intricate plunging black silk dress covered in leaves and flowers. 

It’s the look on Violet’s face that truly makes my hackles rise, there’s no doubt in my mind that Catriona has been digging around with the coiled fury I see in her eyes. My hand rises to her shoulder, and I give it a squeeze, urging her to drop her shields so I can speak in her mind.

‘You need to shield. Cat has the gift of mind work and if I was a betting man, I would without a doubt bet that she’s digging around in your head and amplifying whatever feelings you have now.’ I let the thought settle, but it’s more of a command than a suggestion. Her small answering nod the only indication that she heard and will acquiesce.

As the group settles next to us, my mind seems to settle back into a semblance of order though it doesn’t last as Tecarus walks up to us as if in greeting, a jarring smile painted on his face. 

“We are currently only waiting on two others to join us. Once they arrive, we can begin with your wielding.” The oily voice of Tecarus seems to skirt over my skin, a sense of foreboding for the rest of the evening washing over me. 

‘Something is brewing. There is a foulness that we all feel around this residence.’ Sgaeyl’s warning slithers into my mind.

As if in answer to his words, the doors I didn’t realize had closed, began to open again. With the number of people that are gathered in front of them, it’s impossible to see the forms that have just walked through the doors. 

My eyes narrow as the murmurs of the people around us seem to grow louder and louder, a crescendo to a clamor that is unusual in this palace, until the remaining two guests turn the corner. 

Every single noise stops as if the world is now mute of all sounds. Breath freezes in my lungs, my body unable to remember how to pull in air. My mind blanks, every single thought flying out of my head. I’m unable to blink, to breathe, to even dare my body to move as the figures draw forward. The shadows that normally flow and ebb completely stilled, as if they can no longer be controlled. The only thing I can do is take in the glorious figure in front of me. 

If I thought the other women looked beautiful in their finery, they pale in comparison to the absolute goddess of a woman that continues to glide towards us. The green dress fitted to her every curve as if she was made to be a queen, to rule over every single being on the continent. The deep forest green of Tyrrendor contrasting perfectly with her skin and gold glinting in all the right places on her body and in her hair. 

It isn’t just the dress; it’s the fire blazing in her kohl rimmed eyes that causes my own to flash. And her lips, the most tantalizing color of red that has every single nerve ending in my body desperate to attach themselves to her.

Gods. I always knew she was beautiful, but this is something completely different. She’s ethereal, a goddess that dares to grace mere mortals with her presence. She’s glowing as if a sprite dancing in the woods, guiding us further into the trees. A siren whose song has my heart desperate to reach out and touch her, danger be damned. 

The world finally begins to rush back in at full volume when she settles in front of us with Drake Cordella by her side. My eyes are fixed to hers. I’m unable to tear my eyes away, to look at anyone or anything else. I don’t even register the steps that I’ve taken, so engrossed in her eyes. My mind is running rampant, and I can’t decide if this is a dream or reality. If it is a dream, I never want to wake up. I want to live the rest of my life just being able to look at the woman in front of me.

She looks up at me, eyes smoldering, and godsdamn, I’ve missed that look. I’ve missed the fire that dances in her eyes. Her defiance. Her sheer tenacity. The constant need to push back against any and every one willing to challenge her. The sheer willingness to incinerate anyone that dares to defy her abilities and then proceed to stomp on their ashes. 

It’s impossible for me to look away.

Before I can help myself, my feet move again. Until I feel a tug on my arm, my eyes turn, suddenly aware that I’m not actually alone and this truly is real. I look down to Violet’s face and I don’t even register what she’s trying to communicate. My mind is so frozen that I can’t even comprehend what she could possibly be trying to say.

The minute I look up though, I don’t miss the sneer that my Blaze gives to Violet. Emotions and disappointment hit me all at once. The true reality of why everything is this way a hot branding iron to my skin. 

There is a reason the girl that is my entire world is on another man’s arm and suddenly I can’t stop the fury. Ice begins to slide through my veins, a furor so cold I’ve never felt before. Slinking across the floor, sheer velvet tendrils coil and writhe around the scattered feet, destination clear. There is no stopping them from their goal. From their target. From reaching out to her. To the one person they know their master needs at his side. 

The shadows read my every emotion, every sharp twinge of pain, the way my lungs can finally fill fully with air, settling for the first time in what seems like ages. Whisps of darkness disappear under her dress and I let out a shuddering breath as they caress the skin of her ankles. Reality crashing into me like a tidal wave. 

This is real.

She is actually standing in front of me. 

My breath hitches, along with my loss of control, as I feel the way my shadows touch her skin. A piece of my heart that was shrouded in darkness now finally coming into the light. 

Her light. 

I feel as they graze her ankles and slowly swirl around her calves. The barest of touches making my chest tighten with the truth that she is in front of me. Though a small twitch beneath her hand draws my eyes away. 

Relief swiftly changing to my vision swimming in green. A wildfire of wrath.

My gaze is now focused on her hand, the one that is desperately clutching Drake’s arm as if he is chaining her to the ground, keeping her tethered. My eyes narrow as they flicker between her hand and the man’s face, that I desperately want to eviscerate. 

My fists clench and unclench as the acrid taste of jealousy coats my tongue, settling like an anchor of acid in my stomach. My logic says I have no right to be angry or jealous, but when have emotions ever been rational, especially when concerning the beautiful woman standing much too far away.

Velvet tendrils of shadow wrap around my Blaze’s arm and entwine themselves between her fingers, desperately trying to remove her grip from Drake’s arm. The heart that had stopped beating at seeing her for the first time in months now beating a rhythm of pure envy. 

It isn’t until the coil of Tecarus’ voice breaks through the silence that my eyes finally leave the place where Y/N’s hand rests on Drake’s arm. 

I want to rage. Want to tear her arm from his grip, envelop her in shadows and take her from here, but Violet’s hand on my arm stops me from moving. I try to rein in my breathing that has turned ragged, I can’t lose control, that won’t help my cause here.

“Now that all our guests have arrived, Riorson, we can continue our discussions for the luminary.” My eyes swing to Tecarus and I can feel them burning with murderous intent. 

Violet begins to step forward, beginning to raise her hands at the level to wield, until Tecarus’s voice cuts in again. “No, no, my dear. I want you to wield from the beautiful arena below. In fact, I have a few things to go through before we start.”

“You,” Tecarus says while pointing to Violet. “Will head down to the arena floor and I have a target I want you to hit with your lightning. If you’re interested in bringing anyone with you, you may - except him.”

My ire and suspicions begin to rise, before me is a man of pure calculation and nothing good can come of this. I go to step forward, but my focus is torn. I know Violet is capable, but something is telling me that it isn’t as simple as just wielding from the arena below. 

‘Tread carefully.’ Sgaeyl reminds me, though I know she can feel my control slipping. 

As I turn my head and see my Blaze’s beautiful eyes trying to analyze everything. I can see the way she judges the way I move toward Violet and know that she doesn’t trust me. Doesn’t realize that I’ve been fucking miserable without her. 

Here I am, once again, torn between the woman I love and the one fate chose to bond to me without permission. 

“Don’t worry Riorson, you won’t need to move from where you are. In fact, things will deteriorate if you do.” Tecarus’ threat carries and I know that what follows now will make me want to burn this fucking palace down. 

Seeing two forms move, my gaze swings to two approaching guards and my entire body snaps tight when they grab my Blaze by the arms. If my eyes were burning furiously before, now they threaten violence that the shiny walls of this palace have never seen. 

“Tsk. Tsk. Don’t move any further if you want that luminary Riorson.” The taunt leaves Tecarus’ lips and my steps falter slightly, but I won’t stumble, not this time. I won’t fucking fail her again. 

“Fuck the luminary.” I growl as I try to take another step towards the guards that are about to meet a swift end. Though as I meet my Blaze’s eyes, I stop in my tracks again. The word ‘No’ is written all over her face, her eyes set and steely. It cracks my heart open that she won’t let me stop this. That she refuses my help.

“You, dear Xaden, have one task.” Tecarus looks towards the woman I love, a disturbing gleam in his eye. “You cannot move from this balcony. If you dare take one step towards the arena, our dearest Y/N will fall to the arena floor.”

Before even my shadows can react, the guards push her into a gilded cage and lock the door. A beautiful woman put on display for the pleasure of the ruling class of Poromiel. The fire in my veins begins to turn to ice, every muscle screaming to move, shadows swirling in sharp points around my feet showing their master’s intentions of violence. 

Then the voice that has haunted my dreams speaks for the first time and my heart falters, the pieces arranging themselves into something that could be considered whole. “That’s what you wanted. To dress me up like a beautiful bird that lives her life in a gilded cage. To dangle me for what? To prove that I don’t matter to any of them? That I don’t matter to him?”

There’s no denying the betrayal written all over Y/N’s face, it’s a look that I am unfortunately familiar with, even if this time its not directed towards me. Though each of her words slice through the tentative hope that began to bloom.

“And what can I assume you will do if I don’t follow your instructions?” I growl in tandem. The fact that this bastard has caged the woman I love beginning to drag me into the murderous calm I only feel before the sword slices open the neck of my opponent.

“You see that’s where the fun begins.” The giddy elation in Tecarus’s voice amplifies the rage. “We get to see who is really more important to you and you get to see what happens when you don’t follow my commands.”

“Now remember, the minute you make a move towards the arena, the cage opens, and you are responsible for any consequences.” Tecarus’ eyes land squarely on me, the sadistic gleam settling behind his pupils. 

This is a fucking test, designed for me. I either save the woman that will cause my death or watch the one that I can’t possibly live without die in her stead. My throat begins to tighten, either possibility tightening like a collar.

Two things happen at once; shadows alert me to movement on the arena floor and my eyes widen at the rybestad chest that is being hauled by two guards to the floor. Then the cage begins to move, my love dangling over the pit like bait on offering to a den of vipers. 

Shadows swirl, calculating how to move in order to save both women, emotions on either be damned. 

“This is ridiculous uncle. Bring her down right now.” Drake’s voice breaks holding an edge of anger, all the tease I’d come to associate with him gone. 

Seconds later, everything in my world bursts into chaos. The guards move to the front of the chest with a key and my breath ceases as the doors open. He has a venin.

A fucking venin. 

This sadistic bastard wants Violet to kill the damn venin with lighting, when the girl that owns my whole heart is dangling from the arena in a fucking metal cage. 

Movement from the golden cage draws my attention and my heart falters. My Blaze is going to sacrifice herself, she’s giving her life up again as if it doesn’t matter. 

Blind panic tears through me as I watch her slam her foot down onto the floor of the cage. 

“Y/N!” My voice tears broken from my lungs, a roar of desperation. 

The minute the floor of the cage gives way, I run to the side of the arena, terror the only feeling left in my body. I watch as she lands on the arena floor, rolling in a move reminiscent of her flawless rolling dismount. My breathing settles for one second as she rises from the floor, thankfully not hurt. 

It doesn’t last though when the reason for her theatrics finally registers again. 

“Y/N! NO!” I roar again, desperate for her not to give up her life. I just found her, she can’t fucking leave again, not before she knows everything. 

She either can’t hear my pleas or doesn’t care, and I watch as she sprints forward in the menace of a dress that hinders every movement. Tearing my eyes from her momentarily, I clock the dagger held in the hand of the venin, his taunting of the Sorrengail siblings the only thing that could possibly save my Blaze.

‘Keep him fucking talking!’ I shout down the bond with Violet. I refuse for Y/N’s sacrifice to be in vain. I will give her all the tools I can for her to kill it without getting hurt.

I watch, eyes wide as the venin turns as Y/N gets close enough and grabs her by the throat. 

Gods why the fuck am I standing here?

But I’m stuck. An immoveable statue as I watch the scene play out before me. Every nerve screams at me to run, but I know the minute I turn my head it will all be over. 

The venin begins to speak, words that clearly grip my Blaze with fear, though I watch as her lips move, answering the monster, eye burning with equal flame and dread. It doesn’t escape my notice though that her chest is beginning to rise and fall at a rate too slow for life. 

My mind finally catches up with my legs and I begin to move, but I don’t make it two steps before a rough hand clamps my arm and my stormy eyes meet Drakes, a look of equal furor.

“Wait.” It comes out as a command, before my eyes are brought back to the commotion below. 

The venin has now let go of Y/N, his skin greying at the place where she sliced her blade. Bringing the blade back again, she drives it into his chest all the way to the hilt. A sinister smile slides across her beautiful face, but it morphs into terror when the venin slashes her chest with the blade in his other hand. 

“Y/N!” Violet screams as I watch my Blaze fall to the ground, her hand coming up to grasp the slash that is gushing blood. 

Abject horror turns my stomach, my breathing shallow gasps as I continue to watch the scene below unfurl. The woman I love sinking to her knees as I watch her blood pool from the wound at her collar.

“Brennan, mend her!” I hear Violet scream as her brother rushes to my Blaze’s side. I don’t tear my eyes away as I watch the skin of her chest knit back together, her breathing returning to a more normal pace. The panic doesn’t subside though when she doesn’t regain consciousness. Her eyes still firmly closed.

As the Sorrengail siblings stand and begin to move to the steps of the arena, my Blaze held limply in Brennan’s arms, my entire mind shuts except the thought of death. Vengeance. Shadows curl around my closed fists, aching to be released, screaming with the need for retribution. 

With silent control, I turn, the fire behind my eyes nothing but the wrath of Dunne. 

I let my hold slip. Black tendrils snake around the bodies of the Cordella heirs. I let some hold the two sisters immobile, their mind games nothing compared to the absolute loathing running through my veins. 

“Do you think this is some fucking game to play?” I ask, my voice calm and low, devoid of the emotions pooling through my body.

“Did you think this little stunt was going to get you what you’ve always fucking wanted? Because I can assure you, all this will end in - is your death.” My eyes never leave Tecarus’ as he begins to float. Throat wrapped tightly with bands of shadow that allow only a trickle of breath, my hands curled slightly directing their squeeze. 

“You dare to threaten the two women bound to me in different ways? To what – get me to marry your fucking niece? To punish me for breaking a contract inked before my father’s death?” My voice is smooth as I circle Tecarus’ dangling body like prey. 

‘You have to let him go.’ Violet’s voice comes through, but I refuse to let her dictate this. 

‘We can’t negotiate for the luminary if he’s dead.’ She tries to reason.

“FUCK THE LUMINARY!” The words are a roar, a level of ruthlessness Sgaeyl would be proud of.

Silence settles as I look at Violet, the crazed look I know resides in my eyes causing her to take a step back, only proving she could never handle me at my worst. And I can be so much worse than this. 

“Xaden! Please!” Catriona’s voice cuts through the silence, the only thing to break the fragile air. 

My glare intensifies as I slowly let up the constriction of the shadows on Tecarus’ throat. I get close enough for only him to hear my next words.

“If you ever dare, or even think, about pulling a stunt like that again, you will find yourself buried underneath your ostentatious palace. Take my mercy, because I won’t be giving it again.” The shadows dissipate in an instant and Tecarus’ body lands with an unceremonious thump on the floor. 

I step back, the look on my face still predatory. I will never cower to this bastard again. This is the first and last time he will believe he can ever have the upper hand. 

I turn, Brennan finally topping the stairs. I don’t waste time, don’t speak any other words before I sweep my Blaze from his arms and walk away. 

The minute her weight settles in my arms, the adrenaline begins to crash around me. The truth that she’s really here settling my heart with equal measures of warmth and sadness. My heels click on the marble floors, the only sound surrounding us. 

I take the stairs two at a time, desperate to try and wake her. Needing to see her open her eyes with a want so strong, I’m not sure I’ll survive. 

This woman is my fucking undoing.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Her familiar scent hits me as I open the door to the chamber that used to be called mine. Relief flooding me as I set her unconscious form gently on the bed, the familiarity hitting my nostrils like the crack of a whip.

Eyes trace every line of her face, every little detail that I’ve been starved for these months without her. I drink her in, parched from months in the desert, devoid of her face. 

Just then the thread of restraint snaps, my head falling to her shoulder, breathing her in. Tears begin to well behind my eyes, but I can’t let them fall, not before I see her eyes and know that she’s alright. My hands cup her face, desperate to trace everywhere they can reach, rememorizing each and every dip and curve.

“Y/N, please open your eyes. Please.” My voice leaves me in a rough croak, the emotion pushing the change as my hands begin to thread through her hair.

“She’ll be fine Xaden. Brennan mended her. You couldn’t ask for her to have been seen to sooner than that.” Violet tries to assuage as she enters into the room. An intrusion into the sanctuary between my Blaze and I that I did not request.  

I turn to her, eyes hard, heart even harder. Here we are again, another repeat performance where her safety helped to dictate my actions and responses once again. I can’t keep fucking doing this to Y/N. 

I won’t.

“You don’t know that.” The frustration at this continued cycle ever-present in my voice. “She almost killed herself trying to save you.”

The silence between us stretches, thick with a coiled tension that is waiting for a breaking point.

 “We need to go anyway. Tecarus is expecting all of us for negotiations.” Violet tries to reason, but if I step into a room with that fucker again right now, I might just kill him, repercussions be damned.

“I don’t give a fuck.” Each word drips out of my mouth with vicious certainty. A knock on the door stops either of us from continuing. 

“Your presence is required for our negotiations I’m afraid.” Drake’s voice slices into the room, and the bitter tang of jealousy rises again in the back of my throat. 

“You can tell your fucking uncle he should be glad I didn’t send him to meet Malek today for the stunts he pulled, and I’ll come when Y/N is awake.” My reply is curt; I don’t owe Drake anything and seeing the way Y/N’s arm was wrapped around his makes me want to punch his face in. Civility be damned.

“Look Riorson, you may not believe me, but I agree with you. Everything that happened tonight is despicable.” As I study Drake, I can’t ignore the sincerity in his gaze, though it does nothing to quell the jealousy, instead fueling its pyre. “But you shouldn’t spit in the direction of Y/N’s sacrifice that she made tonight by not participating in negotiations.”

“If it would be any consolation, I can stay with her until negotiations are done. If for some reason she wakes between now and then, I’ll have someone fetch you immediately. However, in hopes to move things along, we all need this discussion about the luminary to be decided upon.” Drake continues trying to bridge the gap between us.

My gaze swings from Drake to Violet. I want to wrap them in shadows and push them out of the room. Cocoon us in the darkness until the woman in the bed wakes and I can see those warm eyes again.

‘This isn’t just about the Devoted One. You need to participate for the good of the continent. Do not ignore her sacrifice.’ Sgaeyl warns though I can feel her own unease at the thought of leaving Blaze here alone.

Wrapping my larger calloused hand around hers, I squeeze, needing her to know that I’m here – with her. A tender whisp of shadow coils from my boot and wraps around her slender wrist, wrapping tight around her skin. I shiver at the contact, and it’s the only thing that settles my heart enough to walk out of this room.

“Fine. But I’m not leaving her completely. You’ll have to deal with a few shadows if you want me to participate in this bullshit.” My words are clipped as my eyes narrow at Drake in obvious challenge. “And you better keep your damn hands to your fucking self Cordella.”

Before I leave her, I sit on the edge of the bed, leaning in as far as I can, foreheads brushing. “Y/N, Love, I need you to wake up for me. I promise you I’m not leaving this damned place without you awake and Malek will take me before I fly out of Cordyn without you. Please, my Blaze. Please wake up.”

The words choke in my throat as a prayer, a hope, a dream that she will leave with me and return to Aretia, where she belongs, by my side. I lift from the bed and my gaze lingers on her as I walk towards the doors. As they snick shut behind me, I wrap a shadow band around the handle so that I will know if anyone dares to come in or out of the room.

“Let’s get this fucking over with.” I mumble; a sneer stuck firmly on my face as my long strides eat up the space to Tecarus’ office.

“Slow down Xaden. She’s not going anywhere.” Violet mutters from behind me irritation clear.

My eyes flash and I whirl on her, my anger at her rising. “You’re right Violet. She’s not going anywhere, and you want to know why? Because of you! Gods. It’s because of you again that she’s left alone when I should be sitting there next to her. I told you not to come to Cordyn, that I’d figure out another way, but do you listen? NO!” The leash on my temper has snapped as I glare at the silver haired girl before me. 

“How was I supposed to know she was here?” She protests, her own temper flaring.

“You weren’t! But every single one of your actions have consequences and I’m beginning to think you don’t even notice, you don’t even consider the people that put their lives on the line to save yours.”

And that’s when I turn, because there is the truth laid down before us. Ever since I was forced to cash in my favor, then bonded to this reckless girl, I’ve had to sacrifice the people that I love just to keep her alive. To keep her from the consequences of every rash action. To contain the reality that she wasn’t meant to be a rider. 

I won’t lie and say she hasn’t stepped into the role and become more formidable, but in the end, is it enough? When will the schemes and plans that she hatches catch up to all of us, who is going to pay the ultimate price? We sit in Aretia and wait for retaliation from Navarre, monitoring too many fronts to be effective in this war. Here we are in Cordyn, meeting with a man that would have salivated at the end of Violet’s life, because he knows that would end in my own. But did she take my council into account? Did she outmaneuver him with his own game? No, instead she charges into enemy territory like a dragon assured of its claim with no thought to the actual repercussions. Just like poisoning her opponents, never taking into account how that would affect the flip side of the coin after she won a sparring match. 

Reaching the heavy wooden door of Tecarus’ office, I take a deep breath and try to rein in the flare of temper desperate to break free.

‘The faster you finish these negotiations, the faster you can return to the Devoted One. Letting your temper rein will only delay you.’ My ruthless blue’s words are finally able to drag me from the frayed edge of my own anger. The sickening truth. My anger will not serve me well here; I need to be calculated and utilize what I can to my advantage. 

Surveying the room, it brings me great satisfaction to see the ring of red that is quickly darkening against the Viscount’s skin. My eyes then turn to Syrena at his right hand and Catriona sitting silently sneering at me. I pay her no mind, clocking the Head General of Poromiel’s army sitting to the left. My eyebrow lifts as I clock that Queen Maraya is obviously aware of these negotiations as well, though I’m not sure of her full knowledge of Tecarus’ stunts. Tecarus gestures with his hand to the two remaining seats left open as Violet finally emerges into the room as well. 

I let the shadows swirl the room, a threat as well as a warning. The time for talking is over and I will not allow another Navarrian life to be threatened in my presence. 

“I’m disappointed that we didn’t get to see the true expanse of your power.” Tecarus scraps through bruised vocal cords, my lips tipping up in a vicious mimic of a smile causing his eyes to flash.

We’re both playing a game though I’m never sure if there’s a destined winner. 

“Though, I suppose we were able to see the power that our dear Y/N has been hiding away, even without magic.” I barely contain the growl working up my throat, shadows slashing at the chandelier that hangs above the table. Tecarus looks up, a twin to my smile falling across his face. “A beautiful sacrificial lamb, isn’t she Riorson.”

My knuckles turn white as my grip on the chair tightens, wood creaking underneath the weight of my threadbare restraint. Before I can give voice to the dangerous thoughts in my mind, Brennan’s voice breaks the preternatural calm. 

“An unnecessary show, Viscount. We are here for one reason only. To negotiate for a luminary.” Brennan begins, giving me a sideways glace. “We will be leaving with our entire party, so you can skip the opportunities you have on offer.”

The words are meant to be final, to show the Viscount that he doesn’t have the upper hand, but I can tell from his lack of reaction that is nothing less than what he expected. 

“Agreed. We are already armed with what I was looking for, your end of the deal is already partially fulfilled.” His words make my eyes narrow at everything he is left unsaid, uncertainty a coil around my gut. “But before you take the luminary, I have one addition to our terms. You will take the hundred flier cadets that are here after being misplaced from the attack on Cliffsbane.”

My body tenses, he wants us to take Catriona. He wants his perfect little pet to have the information that lies solely in Aretia. I open my mouth to tell the Viscount he can keep his fucking cadets, but Brennan beats me again. 

“Done.” My head whips to the side, my glare aimed squarely at the Lieutenant Colonel. 

“Not done. Are you willing to test the theory they will be able to withstand the trek over the Medaro Pass?” My voice carries the weight of the task as my eyes turn toward Syrena.

“Although I have no true desire to test the theory, it is the best opportunity they have to continue to learn the skills they need.” Reticence bleeds through Syrena’s words, but there’s truth laid bare in every one. 

“Provided they can get through the Medaro Pass, we will take them in.” Brennan responds again, essentially trying to cut off any challenges.

“I have faith that will not be an issue, the gryphons haven’t truly been tested at altitude, and I’m confident they will do more than adapt.” Both men shake their head in agreeance and my breath leaves me in an exasperated sigh. 

“We all leave as soon as Y/N is awake.” My words are terse, the one non-negotiable, but from the flash in Tecarus’ eyes, I know that he’s been waiting for this. 

“Whether or not Y/N leaves is her choice. She can answer for herself once she wakes.” His words have me on edge, the terror that she will reject the idea feeling like a stone sinking in my stomach. 

Discussion of additional details begins, and I can’t bring myself to sit here any longer. Rising from my seat, I ignore the protests thrown at me from Violet and the Poromish and stalk back towards the room I never wanted to leave in the first place. 

I hear voices from within, and my chest begins to tighten. I try to swallow, but my throat has gone dry, dread growing heavier in my stomach. As much as I need to be in that room, I can’t help the anxiety at what my Blaze will say, of what it will do to me if she pulls away. 

“How exactly did I end up here? And where exactly is here? This isn’t the room I normally stay in.” Her voice cuts through the hallway and relief floods me that she is awake, until the words register in my mind.

Room she normally stays in? She’s been in this fucking palace the whole time? Is this some cruel joke Syrena orchestrated at the behest of her sister?

“No, this isn’t your room. This is Riorson’s room from when he used to make regular visits to Cordyn.” Drake confirms causing my pace to quicken before he goes divulging my entire past with his cousin. A past that she deserves to hear from my own mouth, not his.

“You mean when he was engaged to your cousin?” I don’t miss the bitterness in my Blaze’s words, each one a slice to my ribs as I pull the door open. 

“Not engaged. Betrothed. Not something I chose.” My words come out sharper than I intend, but I won’t let her think that I’ve ever actively chosen anyone but her. Drake rises as the silence passes between us and slinks out the door. My shadows snick the door shut and turn the lock. 

As her eyes meet mine, I can feel every bit of hardness in my own slipping away. Though panic begins to rise as I watch the beautiful woman before me dip her head and make ready to leave. 

“No.” The word comes out breathless, a whisper that barely passes my lips, my feet carrying me quickly to her side. “Please Blaze – please stay.” I am not above begging as long as possible for this woman, my voice breaking in ways I haven’t heard in years.

“Why?” One word crushes my chest, cracking my ribs open as she goes to step back from me. 

I can’t contain the anguish from showing on my face, the prick of held back tears stinging the back of my eyes. No longer the formidable man that she met in the quadrant years ago, just the broken husk begging for her to come back, to come home to me. 

“Do you know how long I was waiting for you to sound so desperate for me in the last year?  To not feel like you had forgotten about my existence? Did you even realize the way you left me behind?”  The words cut sharper than any blade that has dragged across my skin. The minute they leave her mouth, the dam breaks, hot tears streaking down my face, sorrow and anguish the only things left in my soul.

Watching as her hand flies to her chest and her eyes begin to fill with her own tears, I can no longer stand straight. My knees buckle, emotion rolling over me in a torrent of waves. My hands grab her waist, grip unrelenting, her familiar figure causing the sobs to wrack my body harder. She stays there with hands raised higher on either side, a war fighting in her own mind and I desperately plead for her to give in, to just love me again. The air freezes in my lungs, even through the tears as I wait.

Please. I need you.

As if she heard my internal pleas, her hand comes down and tentative fingers slide under my chin lifting my gaze to hers. My vision is blurred, but I can’t let go of her, scared that if I do, she’ll disappear from my grasp. Her fingers trail down my cheeks and I close my eyes trying to stop the incessant tears.

“Xaden.” Her voice drags my eyes open again as she continues to wipe the tears from my face. “You need to breathe for me, alright?”

Head nodding curtly, I try to compose myself into the controlled man I normally am, but this, there’s no controlling the need I have for the woman in front of me. For the unrestrained desperation that is pouring through every part of me.

My hands continue to flex on her waist, my grip tight and unrelenting, I couldn’t let go even if I tried. The only thing bringing slight relief is that she hasn’t pulled away, it’s the only thought I can cling to – maybe, just maybe, she’ll still have me. 

Her fingers continue the absentminded stroking of my cheeks and I’m uncertain if she truly means it or is just trying to get me to compose myself. Finally, the tears dry, the sobs turning into a trembling in my limbs I can’t control. My hands come to hers shakily and I squeeze them, bringing them both to my lips and kissing the soft skin. The simple actions has my breath stuttering as I rise to my feet, the warm skin healing the cracks of my heart where only she can reach. I pull her form to the bed and sit her down beside me. She goes to pull away and I grasp her tighter, refusing to give her a single inch from my grasp. 

“Y- you d-don’t know h-how long I’ve been dreaming of seeing you again.” The words leave my lips on a whispered stutter as I continue trying to tug her closer to me. Words beginning to fail me at what I could possibly say to this woman, what could possibly cover the enormous ravine that has opened in our relationship.

Her eyes meet mine and I can see the ways she’s closed off from me and I tug tighter involuntarily, my subconscious begging her not to pull away. 

“Forgive the brashness Xaden, but I have a hard time believing that with everything that happened at the end of our relationsh-.” The words land harder than any punch or torture I’ve ever experienced, my breath leaving my lungs, but my mind cements itself, I will not let this be the fucking end.

“Don’t.” The breathlessness in my voice gone, the word coming out more command. “That wasn’t the end. This isn’t either.”

I will not accept this finality.

I watch as she moves her head to the side, eyes growing cold, and I want to rage against every wall she wants to throw up against me. 

“I don’t think you’re allowed to make that call alone. Besides, I’m sure Violet wouldn’t want to hear that.” 

Those words tear at my restraint. It feels as though I’ll never be able to remove this fucking bond from looming over our relationship. Frustration mounting, I grab her face with a firm grip, I will not mince my words. She needs to understand how vital she truly is. 

“I don’t give a fuck what Violet wants. My relationship is none of her fucking business.” The words tumble as a growl from my lips and eyes flare as she scoffs in response.

“I believe it is her business if she’s part of that relationship.”

A predatory growl leaves my lips as I grasp her face tighter. “I’m. Not. With. Violet.” Each word is punctuated and barely makes it past my teeth. Refusal to accept her not understanding that its only her – only ever has been. 

“More fool me then. Left behind for someone you aren’t even with.” Her words turn vicious, and I can sense this is going the opposite of what I’m desperate to convey. I’ll never get her back this way.

“I’m sorry.” My eyes soften; every bit of ire that was building leaving my body. Fighting against her isn’t going to work. I can’t fight and expect her not to push in return. 

“Excuse me?” Confusion paints her brows as she looks at me, clearly expecting me to dig in my heels and fight.

Inhaling deeply, I pull her onto my lap, her familiar weight settling my emotions and heart. Bringing my forehead to rest on the side of hers, breathing in the recognizable scent of her hair, I swallow thickly before emotions override me again. My hands wrapping tightly around her waist, keeping her close.

“I’m. so. fucking. sorry.” The words do nothing to begin healing the ache that has torn us apart, but it’s the only thing I can think of saying. Each word punctuated slowly so she knows how much I mean them. 

As I raise my head from her hair, the gaze that I’ve been missing meeting mine, I study every line of her face. “There aren’t enough words in this world for me to tell you how fucking sorry I am. I’ll apologize to you every damn day for the rest of our lives, but I need you with me.”

I can see the disbelief written in every tense line of her face and the way she holds herself still, doing everything she can not to fall into my embrace. “I’m certain that the last year has proven quite the opposite.”

I can’t hold in the flinch, the words finding their mark, but I can’t let her words deter me. 

“I deserve every ounce of your ire. All the pain you’ve felt tenfold.” The words are simple, the meaning clear. I hurt her and I expect to be responsible for every ounce of agony she’s felt. “And I will gladly accept every ounce of venom you can toss my way. Use daggers if you want to. Make me bleed. But please, come with me.”

“I can’t.” The words pour out of her mouth without thought, causing my heart to begin racing at the thought there’s no way to fix this. The reality that maybe I am too late. “Pretty words aren’t going to fix this.”

Any hope I had bursts, a tentative bubble hitting a sharp blade of grass and I can’t keep the anguish off my face. “They aren’t just pretty words.” I plead, willing her to believe me.

“Your actions for the last year spoke louder than all the words you’ve ever told me. No matter how much I want to believe them.” Hopelessness flashes behind my eyes before I can stop it and my hold on her falters enough for her to stand and begin pacing. But she isn’t wrong, I’ve always been a man of action over whispered words and I let everything else take precedence.

“Gods Xaden, we’re even having this discussion in a place that you’d been aiding for years, but did I know anything about it. No!” Her voice rises, conviction painting every word. “You’ve been aiding Poromiel, been betrothed to an heir to the throne, and when things blew up in Resson did you even notice my reaction? Or was calming the lightning wielder down just that more important?”

The thought of that day crushes everything I had in my hands just moments ago. 

“You think I don’t know how much I’ve fucked up? I’ll spend from now until I meet Malek showing you that needing you isn’t just pretty words. That all the things you didn’t know were not because I didn’t want to tell you, but because I wanted to keep you protected.” The words are harsh as my own beliefs begin to solidify. “You are as vital to me as the fucking air that I breathe, and I haven’t taken a full breath since I realized you were gone. I know I fucked up for the last year. Hell, probably even longer than that, but nothing in this world is more vital to me than you.”

By the end I’m panting, desperate for her to believe me, to understand that I miscalculated on a level I’ll never be able to return from without her grace, her mercy. She searches my face, but I don’t know what she’s looking for. What does she need from me to know how much I’ve crumbled these last months without her?

“I want to believe you. Really, I do.” She begins, still farther from me than I want her to be. “But this time you’re going to have to show me, before we are anything again – if we even can be.”

“I’ll do anything you want me to do, but you have to come with me back to Aretia. I want to take you home. To my home and I want to make it yours.” My chest is too tight, I want to claw at it, tear the tunic that rests on my body to get some fucking air.

My feet carry me closer to her, shadows curling over her feet and legs, trying to pull her in any way I can. I see a fissure in her armor, but it’s gone in seconds, a whisp of doubt in her conviction that I’m not even sure was there. 

“I’ll give you this.” She says as she begins backing from my reach. “You’ll have the opportunity to show me that what you’re saying is the truth, but I’m not coming with you to Aretia.”

My arms reach out, frantic to drag her back to me, but the force of her words and fire in her eyes halts my movements. “No. If you want any chance at all, you’ll respect my decision.” 

My eyes dart back and forth watching as she begins to step away from me, out of my orbit, away from my chest that starts to crack all over again at the thought of her loss. I haven’t even gotten her back and she’s leaving again. She turns around and my fingers bite into my palms as I try to hold them from clawing to get her back. 

“I’ll always love you, Xaden.” Her voice is quiet as she opens the door, sadness coloring the lines of her beautiful face. “But this time you’re going to have to be the one fighting, because I refuse to be forgotten again.”

I don’t even have time to respond, to fight any more. She’s drawn her line in the sand and I know that I have to respect it, but that doesn’t change the fact that my heart that was barely put together is again shattered into pieces. Emotions begin to crawl up my throat as I hear her soft footsteps walk away. 

I want to open the door, to bring her back and force her to see that she’s the reason that I’m still fucking alive, see that she holds my future in her hands. But I don’t do any of that. As the overwhelm of all the hurt, the pain, the desperation begins to bleed up my throat, I fall to my knees a second time and shout. The sound is raw, ragged, guttural, a sound I haven’t heard since Liam’s death – pure wreckage. 

How can one person stand so much pain? How can I move past the only woman who’s ever fucking seen me for the man that I was forced to become and never flinched? She never pushed, never prodded, and let me love her in the only broken way I knew how.

‘She did not say no to you.’ Sgaeyl’s voice is unusually subdued as I stay sunken on my knees. 

My fingers scald where they grasped her waist and hands. My nose burns with the scent that was the only calming balm at Basgiath. My lips tingle with the remnants of the silky skin of her palms. 

It’s time for the Devoted One to learn that you are also devoted to her.’ My dragon continues, trying to drag me from my spiraling throughts.

‘How am I going to know that she’s safe and unharmed if she’s across the continent? How can I fight for her if I’m not there?’ The words are dragged from my psyche, the thought of leaving her making my skin crawl.

‘Simple. We will send her greatest protection back.’ Sgaeyl speaks ask though she’s been planning through our entire exchange.

Brows furrowing, I try to move past the feelings that have sunken to the marrow of my bones, a helplessness that I haven’t had since my tenth birthday. My head rises as what Sgaeyl is insinuating begins to click in my mind.

‘We leave now. I refuse to let her be without protection longer than possible.’ I send through the bond while moving to change back into my leathers. 

‘Orders have been relayed. We will leave as soon as you arrive outside.’ Sgaeyl confirms. 

In minutes I’m decked for war and this time it’s completely personal. She’s not walking away with finality; she’s not my mother. She’s holding back until I can prove that she really is my world and there is nothing that will stand in the way of proving that true, of keeping those words I promised her so long ago. My steps are sure, though every inch of my body fights my mind to stay here where it knows my Blaze is, but her protection is more important right now.

The only happiness in this new direction is that the brown dragon that has let me know daily of her disdain for my actions will be reunited with the rider she fought so hard for.  

‘The others are going to stay for the liminary while we fly for home.’ My acknowledgment hums through our bond as my steps quicken to be away from this godsforsaken palace. 

As I mount Sgaeyl and settle into the seat, I take one more look back before collapsing onto her scales and we burst into the air. 

I know my Blaze can’t hear me, but as the palace fades, I promise myself that this time I will not lose her. This time I will prove to her that she is everything to me, the sun to my sky, the shelter in every storm, and I will get her back.

__________________________

“We found her.” My voice is breathless as I dismount Sgaeyl as quickly as possible and run towards Dhioch. 

Running at a dragon that is not my own is foolish, but I haven’t been the most levelheaded in the last few months without Y/N.

“She’s in Cordyn. You have to go back to her and keep her safe.” My words are command, and I can tell by the way Sgaeyl prowls forward that I am testing the brown’s patience.

‘I don’t need your command, Shadowed One.’ Dhioch slams her teeth in front of me, but I stand my ground. 

‘I understand. I – I just need to know someone is watching out for her. I need her to be safe.’ My words are a plea now, despair shining through. 

‘She is formidable with or without me. But she will not be alone long.’ Dhioch doesn’t even grace me with a goodbye as she stretches her bronze wings and sets out towards Cordyn. The anxiety doesn’t leave me completely; my throat beginning to tighten as the brown dragon fades from view.

‘You will do what needs to be done and deliver weaponry. Dhioch will see to it that she is protected, though it seems she was faring well enough on her own.’ Sgaeyl muses as I continue to stare in the direction of Cordyn. 

Finally, I turn heading straight towards the Aretian forge. There’s no longer time for waiting. War is upon us and the only way we can kill them is producing daggers as fast as possible. My steps are sure, focus clear, this forge will run day and night. The minute the first daggers are finished, I’ll be delivering them personally to Cordyn, Assembly’s opinion be damned.

I’ll keep my hands and mind as busy as I can until I can get back to Cordyn and finally bring her back home.

___________________

The days begin slipping through my fingers far too quickly, yet the hours pass lazier than the Iakobos River in the winter. The mining of the ore and mixing ingredients moving slower than my steps through the mountain snow. I’ve taken to imbuing as much as I possibly can when in Aretia, desperate to have a shipment large enough for delivery. 

“Sitting here glaring at the wall isn’t accomplishing much.” Bodhi’s tease hits, but I don’t move my eyes.

“I’m imbuing alloy for the daggers jackass.” My words are curt, my entire body tense with waiting, tight as a bowstring ready to snap. 

My eyes turn back down to the dagger in front of me, but I can feel Bodhi’s gaze trailing my every movement. “If you’re just going to stand there and stare at me, you could make myself useful so I can get to Cordyn faster.”

Without further prompting, Bodhi sits on the chair next to me, sweat running down my forehead as the heat of the forge weaves through my muscles and the additional drag of wielding heats my skin. 

“Was it really her? Is she truly in Cordyn?” My gaze slowly moves up to his, familiar eyes locking with my own. 

“Yes.” The word comes out in a breath, truth wrapped up in dread. “She’s there, and I pray to Amari that she’s let Dhioch back in so that she has some protection.”

Silence begins to reign before Bodhi breaks it again. “Do you think she’ll ever come back to us? Come to Aretia, I mean? Does she know how much we all miss her?”

There’s no way to miss the hitch in his voice, the way emotion begins to thicken each word. I clench my jaw, trying to keep my own emotions steady, but the grief at the unknown is a constant weight on my every waking thought.

“I – I don’t know.” I hate every single word as they leave my mouth. The uncertainty a living being that has tethered itself like a shackle to my every move. “All I can say is that I will beg and plead until she will at least let me back in.”

My gaze falls back down, because fuck, I have no idea how I got here. 

I was born as part of a contract, an obligation that only needed to be fulfilled until everything I knew was tossed away. Then I lost every shred of my humanity at the age of seventeen, a child that had to pay a penance doled out in vindictive lies. I had to watch as children screamed and cried, desperate for their mothers and fathers, clawed against their older siblings with the grief handed out with smirks and derision. Stand tall and stoic until I had to watch my own father, the only parent I had left, burn, leaving me alone. 

Alone, yet still responsible. A hundred and seven lashes to my back, the only way to save us all from the same fate of dragon fire, to save children that had no say in the actions of their own parents. Conscripted into a fate they knew most of us wouldn’t survive, tossed and thrown to the whims of loyalist nobles that cared not for our lives, just to save their own skin. 

Until I finally found one damn light in the sea of darkness that had become my life. But even that was taken by Navarre, my own time taken from me under the favor I had to fulfill to keep us all alive. The need to drop weapons just so the continent might have a fighting chance. Then the dragons had to make it worse. My life tether to the sadistic assholes that had already thrown my everything into upheaval now a direct line to my existence.

The oppressive weight of everything makes my breathing lock. The walls close in, as I try to comb through the anger, resentment, depression, and desperation to break through the chains that are a ceaseless tether. 

I blink, working to clear the thoughts from my mind. For my own sanity I focus back on the task at hand. The repetitive motion of imbuing daggers and the wardstone the only thing keeping me from flying straight to Cordyn and forcefully bringing Y/N back to Aretia. Or just falling apart completely.

I know that I must prove my loyalty to her, prove that she is truly my everything. To do as she requested. Every ounce of control I have is the only thing keeping me in Aretia and focused on my assignments at outposts. My own home beginning to resemble a prison without her here.

“You need to get some rest, brother.” Garrick’s voice cuts through the haze that settled over me. I only grunt in response, because even when I try, sleep won’t find me.  

“I have about ten more and then I will.”

“You’re working yourself ragged Xaden.” Garrick continues as he comes to sit across from me, his own eyes a question at Bodhi as he gets up and makes his way out of the forge. 

“I have to keep my mind busy, even with repetitive work, because if I don’t, I may just go mad.” I say, if there’s one person in this palace of a house I can break in front of, its my best friend. 

“I know – truly, I do. But do you think that you’re going to win her back if you can’t even take care of yourself?” Garrick gives me a pointed look, and I find my reflection in the dagger in my hands. 

My eyes are sunken in, permanent bruises seem to mar the skin under my eyes, my normal skin tone a pallor of its normal bronzed look. 

“If you look like you’ve given up, how do you expect her to believe that in the end you will fight? Fight for her, for your relationship? For love?” 

“I don’t know how to sleep without her, not now that I know where she is.” The sadness settles in my bones and leaves me on an exhale. “The nightmares always used to be dragon fire, slashes to my back, and death. But then she walked into my life and they disappeared. And now, every single dream is her leaving, believing she wasn’t worth anything, that she isn’t the fucking air that fills my lungs or the blood that beats through my chest.”

Silence extends over the room as I pick up another dagger and the weight of it in my hands becomes the only thing grounding me. Garrick doesn’t try to push; doesn’t try to explain why I need to pick myself up and get a grip. Instead, the heaviness of understanding sits between us.  

“We’re a fucking pair, aren’t we?” I can’t help but huff as I set down another dagger into the crate. “I lose the woman that I would give my soul for because I couldn’t stop and give her the attention she deserved. And it seems you’re having the same issue, though you can’t seem to force yourself to admit it in the first place.”

A snort leaves Garrick’s lips as I watch him shake his head at my words. “I suppose we aren’t best friends for nothing.”

My lips quirk up in a smirk, the ridiculousness of the situation almost comical if my heart wasn’t so fucking broken. The chair across from me creaks as Garrick gets up to leave. As he passes, he claps me on the back before turning.

“Seems like we should both figure our shit out then.” Garrick tosses as he walks back towards the house.

A true smile crawls across my face and my heartbeat quickens as I realize I finally have enough daggers to make another trip to Cordyn. 

________________________

‘I do not appreciate being woken up early for this.’ Sgaeyl grumbles as I place the shipment on her back and secure it. 

‘It’s after five. If we want to make it to Cordyn by the afternoon we need to leave soon.’ I grumble back to her. I’ve been up since two, not able to contain the anxiety that has crawled up my chest. 

‘Just because you can’t seem to settle your own heartbeat, doesn’t mean I should have to sacrifice my sleep.’ Her resounding rumble tells me I shouldn’t push my luck, because it’s beginning to run out. 

‘Well, if you want to get Dhioch to convince her rider to get her ass back to Aretia, I promise I’ll have someone else assigned to this.’ I snark back, more than ready to already be in the air. 

‘I do believe its your own fault, so no, I won’t be trying to convince Dhioch for you. Besides, you’ve had enough things given to you on a silver platter. It’s about time you put a little extra work in for a woman’s attention.’ My lips thin at the dig. Leave it to Sgaeyl to call out my past privileges again. 

‘Let’s just go. You can continue to point out my deficiencies from the air.’ I volley back, my pent-up energy making me snap at my girl again.

‘I’m looking forward to drilling you into the ground with the girl that has managed to make you a lovesick fool.’ I bite my tongue, trying to keep the quip I desperately want to make to myself and instead begin to steel myself to prove to my Blaze her true worth.

As the opulent palace begins to shine on the horizon, I must force myself to hold the shadows to my frame. They desperately seek to lash out and search the palace to twine around my Blaze, just to reassure myself that she’s truly there. Though I know that if I do, I will not be doing myself any favors in getting back to her good graces.

Descending into the courtyard, there’s no way to miss the brown dragon that has taken residence as sentinel in the garden. I can’t help the way my eyebrow raises knowing that Tecarus is most likely fuming at the turn of events. Of course he wanted the protection of dragons, but not at the expense of his precious gardens and perceptions. He likes to play so that he controls everything, but clearly Dhioch has no respect for his wishes.

As Sgaeyl drops next to Dhioch, I chance a look at the brown unsure if I’m in her good graces or not. 

‘You have found her Shadow Wielder, but you have not earned her forgiveness, nor mine. You will tread carefully or I shall make good on my promise.’ Dhioch’s voice is a blade wrapped in silk. She may be happy to have her rider back, but that means every single thing I inflicted on her rider is now floating again through her mind. 

‘I promise that I will respect whatever she tells me, but I can’t promise that I won’t beg.’ My words are steel. I will show my respect to both Dhioch and my Blaze, but I’ll be damned if I don’t get on my knees again for her. 

After unfastening the shipment and handing it to the attendant, I make my way into the palace. If one good thing came out of the situation with Catriona, it’s that I know the nooks and crannies of this castle just like those in Riorson House. I let my shadows loose, every whisp intent on finding the only person I’m looking for in this damn maze. 

Soon a tug is pulling me towards the hallway leading to the training grounds, the minute I feel it, I sprint. My heartbeat a wild symphony in my chest, anxiety and need weaving in the pit of my stomach. Turning the corner, my eyes land on the shadow that still pulls me forward. For a moment, I stop, my entire frame shaking in both relief and disbelief.

“Blaze.” The nickname tumbles from my lips, a command, a plea, a prayer, all wrapped into one. She continues walking, not even stopping to indicate that she’s heard me. 

The world comes rushing in again and I refuse to let her walk away. With a flick of my wrist, a shadow wraps around her wrist and tugs sending her stumbling, but the minute her gait falters, I’m there, her form colliding with my chest. 

“Will you stop calling me that.” She rasps irritatedly, but all I can do is continue to wrap around the woman I love. My hands snake around her waist, pulling her as far into me as I possibly can. 

My face falls into the crook of her neck, my entire being sagging in relief. “No.” The word leaves my lips breathlessly.

“Why?” She wriggles in my hold, but my heart and hands refuse to let her go. 

“Because there is no alternative I will accept, then you burning with me. You’ve always been an all-consuming flame, whether passion or hatred and I’ll never let your blazing glory go.” As the words leave my lips, they brush against the soft skin of her ear, my blood heating with the fire that only she can stoke. 

 She huffs at me and yanks herself out of my grip, the cold that overtakes me feels like being plunged into the frozen lake in Aretia. “Is there something you needed? Or are you just here to torment me?”

I flinch at the accusation, that she truly thinks that I ever want to do anything but bring her happiness. 

“I’m making another drop.” I say simply.

“Aren’t there other people in this group of yours that could do such a menial task?” She asks and the pinch in her features does nothing but showcase every ounce of aggravation she carries.

“Of course there is. This man just can’t help himself from being subjected to your company.” My eyes narrow the minute I hear Drake’s voice. My hands ball into fists, my nails biting at my skin while the acrid taste of jealousy coils from my stomach into the back of my throat. 

“Well let me not subject you to anything, I was just on my way out.” My Blaze’s retort is meant to burn, but I’ll relish in anything she’ll give me at this point. 

“Wait.” I stop her with my hand, not willing to let her leave me so quickly. 

“What? Sgaeyl didn’t give you your report from Dhìoch?” My eyes flare at her, the indignation in her eyes causing shame to flare up my neck.

“Exactly. Don’t think I don’t know why my dragon suddenly knew where I was.” She says pointedly, eyes beginning to blaze with her familiar fire. Without acknowledging me longer, she turns to Drake and the jealousy begins to coil in the back of my throat again. “I’m going on patrol, Drake, I’ll be back later.”

“I’ll come with you.” The words leave my mouth instantly after she finishes. The thought of Drake being anywhere near her making my nostrils flare and hands close into fists, the bite of pain keeping me from punching him in his smug face.

She whirs on me, a frustrated sneer on her lips. “You, sir, are not enrolled in service to the Poromish, so I don’t think you will.”

“No, I’m not, but I wasn’t asking your permission either.” I step into her space, my own defiance flaring to life. She lets out a growl of frustration before turning and marching away towards Dhioch. I flex my fingers as I try to rein in the tang of jealousy and flare of annoyance.

Her feet finally make it to the flight field of the palace, and she turns back towards me, every inch of her radiating challenge. The ferocity in her stance and fight in her eyes making my blood heat inconveniently.

“What are you trying to accomplish?” 

Her accusation makes the frustration I feel leave in an exaggerated sigh as I rake my fingers through my own hair. “I’m trying to prove to you that you are my fucking world. But for some reason, you won’t give me the time of day.”

A humorless laugh leaves her lips. “I won’t give you the time of day. That’s rich coming from you.”

Recognition of my words hits harder than if she slapped me across the face, my features slackening sheepishly. She rolls her eye at the display, clearly past talking and still not trusting my words.

“Let’s go if you’re coming.” The exasperation in her voice is high as she finally acquiesces to my presence. My eyes immediately light up, hope bursting like the sun over the horizon. Reflexively I pull her forward and embrace her tightly, the slight agreement giving way to a flurry of emotion.  As soon as the familiar scent of her hair hits my nostrils, I can’t help myself. I let my head drop and place a lingering kiss to her hair, the action healing something broken inside my chest. A breathless ‘thank you’ leaves my lips and I turn and mount Sgaeyl before I either overstep or piss her off more. 

____________________

“Your presence is needed in the Assembly Chamber.” Brennan’s voice floats to me as I walk through the halls of Riorson House. 

Pinching the bridge of my nose, I don’t stop my strides, determinedly striding towards Sgaeyl and ready to see my Blaze again after being sent to the front.

“I’ll see the Assembly when I return.” My tone is clipped, short, the same length as my current patience for anything in between Sgaeyl and I. 

“Xaden.” My name is a command, and I turn towards him with a snarl on my lips. “You’re needed here. Someone else can take the shipment to Cordyn.”

Eyes narrowing, I take two steps towards Brennan, we may be matching in height, but the menace radiating off of me causes him to take a step back. 

“No.” The word is final, my stance leaves no room for give. “You can tell Suri, Ulices, Kylinn, and Trissa that if they still aim to make me the Duke at the end of this, I will come when it pleases me.”

“I’m done letting everyone else dictate my fucking actions. That includes, you, the Assembly, Violet and anyone else that thinks they are owed my loyalty and immediate action. If there is no imminent threat to the civilians of Aretia and Tyrrendor from the venin, then you can stop yourself right there.”

Shock crosses his face, eyes widening slightly before he’s stepping up, trying to push my boundaries. “You can’t just leave because of one woman you can’t seem to let go resides in Poromiel.”

My own eyes flash back, my nostrils flaring at his thought that he can somehow chain me here, tether me to the revolution that owes me more than anyone. “Yes, I fucking can.”

“Its time that you all get it through your fucking heads that until she’s with me, this is what you will deal with. I don’t care what anyone thinks.” I spin, walking back up to Brennan with threat in my eyes. “Honestly, let Aretia and Tyrrendor burn to the fucking ground, hell all of fucking Navarre. I will never again choose anything over her. Tell that to the fucking Assembly – and your sister while you’re at it.”

My footfalls are heavy as my boots clip against the stone ground. The thought of leaving her behind because of duty again crawling up my throat, emotions trying to crest out of my control. 

‘You won’t.’ Sgaeyl’s voice slides through my mind as her snout comes down in front of me. ‘Neither you nor I will let the Devoted One suffer the same fate again. I will not tolerate your emotional turmoil a second time.’

I can’t help but huff a watery laugh. Leave it to my ruthless girl to threaten me with disappointing the girl I love again. As I mount, the constriction that has lain on my chest since Resson loosens, the same way it does every time the realization hits that I will get to see my Blaze again. I pull my goggles down, the hope that accompanies the view of Cordyn beating like an unrepentant rhythm in my chest. 

_________________

Weeks later, we begin to descend into the sharp reflection of the bright afternoon against the marble palace. Scanning the skies and city below, there’s no way to miss the quiet hush that has overtaken the normally boisterous afternoons. My eyes sweep the normal places we have seen Dhioch resting and my pulse begins to quicken as every corner seems to come up empty.

‘Settle yourself.’ Sgaeyl huffs, her own agitation shining through. 

‘Can you sense Dhioch?’ As much as I try, I can’t keep the anxiety out of my mental voice.

Sgaeyl’s pause causes my own worries to heighten, clearly there’s something she doesn’t want to say.

‘Sgaeyl.’ The warning in my tone is sharp. I know better than to talk back to the giant, fire breathing lizard, but my heart is about to beat out of my chest. 

‘You will seek answers in the palace.’ Her tone is clipped, indicating that whatever waits there is nothing good. 

Before Sgaeyl’s talons even crash into the ridges of the upturned ground, I’m sliding down her foreleg, shadows twisting into a lasso of the nearest door and swinging. My boots crash to the ground, my body not even registering the reverberations from landing before I’m sprinting through the halls. 

As I turn through the unfortunately familiar corridors, my shadows snake in front of me, desperately reaching for my Blaze’s now familiar door. As I watch the inky tendrils begin to sneak under the crack, my pulse begins to quicken again. 

Swinging the door wide, my head swivels left and right, frantically searching for the familiar smell, form, voice, anything that tells me she’s still here. My eyes land on the chair where her pack is normally kept and my throat begins to tighten as I come to the realization that she isn’t here. I try to breathe through the mounting panic, but my mind can’t do anything but bring up the memories of her disappearance in Resson. 

Pace quickening, I tear through the palace straight to the Viscount’s sitting room. As soon as I open the door, the shadows crawl up the walls, sliding over pieces of furniture and open books, menacing shapes erupting at the ends of each tendril. 

“Where the fuck is she?” My hands curl to tight fists at my sides while I feel my jaw tick. 

The three figures in the room turn their heads to me, each one with varying degrees of wariness. A sick satisfaction rolls across the Viscount’s face and my control barely holds. The temptation to wrap inky whisps around his neck and squeeze, beginning to make my palms itch. The thought of violence is the only thing breaking past the panic looming in my chest.

“Of whom do you refer?” The Viscount muses in a sickeningly sweet tone. My lip curls in a sneer, my hands shaking with the force of my control. 

“Don’t fucking play with me Tecarus.” I say as my eyes focus on the snake of a man in front of me, ignoring Syrena and Drake. 

I march forward, vision tunneling to just the man in front of me. I hear a door click, but my focus won’t be broken from the manipulative bastard.

“Riorson.” Syrena’s voice tries to break through the tunneling of my vision, but I’m hanging by a thread. 

“Xaden.” My first name makes my head swing up to meet Syrena’s familiar gaze, the shadows beginning to wrap around both of their legs in warning. “She’s not here.”

“Where the fuck is she?” A thin leash holds back the beast that wants to tear apart the two people in front of me. 

Shadows begin to encapsulate every ounce of light in the room. Blackness clawing to destroy those who would keep my Blaze from me. 

“Start talking or you’ll never be able to open your godsdamned mouth again.” My gaze is laser focused, death shining in my eyes that continuously darts between Tecarus and Syrena. 

Syrena brings her neck up, trying to move past the hold of the shadows that are now clawing up their throats. “Pull the shadows back and I’ll tell you.”

I look at her, every cell in my body convinced she’s lying.

‘Control yourself now.’ Sgaeyl’s command cuts through and the shadows slowly recede from their forms, but I let them continue to squeeze the light from the room. 

“If you would give me a minute to explain, you’ll know.” Syrena’s words are clipped, irritation sparking, but I don’t care. “We’ve had some intel that there’s a possible attack on Pavis.”

I don’t know what a small Poromish town has to do with anything, but I let a small amount of light back into the room.

“Y/N demanded that she be sent to Pavis, and she’s been there for about two days.” 

The minute Syrena finishes, my footsteps are pounding heavily on the marble floor. Scuff marks from my run showing every ounce of the route I’ve torn through.

‘Are you ready Sgaeyl?’ 

I don’t bother explaining, she knows that I’m at my wits end. There’s no reasoning with me, not anymore, especially when it comes to my Blaze. All rational thought has left my mind like leaves on the autumn breeze. 

The minute I make it outside, the claws of Sgaeyl’s foreleg greet me. I continue my run, heart beating out of my chest, panic and adrenaline bring my breaths in rapid gasps. My hands grip Sgaeyl with as much force as I can muster, the gesture the only thing grounding my racing mind. 

‘What if we’re too fucking late? What if the town’s already been attacked?’ My words are as frantic as my mind. 

‘Then we will do what we can.’ The words are final, but there is a note of uncertainty. Thought I can’t blame Sgaeyl’s worry, because if we don’t find her, I’m not sure what I will do. Even the thought of surviving her loss again is an impossible task, especially if this time its real. 

As the distance between Cordyn and Pavis closes, my mind is in a blank panic. I try to rein in my thoughts, my emotions, but everything just feels scattered to the wind. The suffocating pain of the women that I love walking away from me consuming every single bright spot. As much as I want to toss away the pain from my mother’s disappearance, from the loss of her at the young age of ten, I can’t help the way it tears at my soul to this day. 

I know that I’m sliding into the pit that my Blaze painstakingly drug me from, a hole of despair when it came to the woman I love leaving. The thoughts that I’ll never be enough swirling into a darkness even my own shadows could never penetrate.

‘Stop your assumptions.’ Sgaeyl’s command is sharp as the forest begins to part. ‘The Devoted One is not the one who birthed you. She did not have an obligation to care for you, just as I do not. She is in service of Poromiel and you know well, as a rider, you are at the whims of those above your station.’

Its never passed my notice that Sgaeyl has always been willing to speak on my Blaze’s behalf, but for a dragon known for her ruthlessness and not kindness, the words strike even harder. 

‘Settle your anger, before you end up saying something you can’t take back.’ The words slice as we begin our descent into a small town. I have never been to Pavis, but as I let my gaze settle, the quaintness of the town washes over me. 

Movement in a farther field catches my eye and I look up to see the familiar brown scales of Dhioch. Relief and fury rage in equal measure as I take in the gryphons that are gathered behind the dragon’s massive form. 

‘Dhioch confirms the Devoted One is at the tavern. I will get you as close as I can.’ 

I know exactly what Sgaeyl is not saying. I begin to rise, snaking my way down the familiar scales of my blue beauty’s back. The minute my feet hit the ridge of her shoulder, she dips slightly forward, and my feet gain momentum as I begin the freefall. I tuck into the familiar maneuver and in seconds my boots are scraping the ground. I let myself continue the short jog to the building that I assume must be the only tavern in town and try to slow, but my pounding heartbeat claims otherwise.

Taking measured steps forward, it’s impossible to restrain myself from pushing the door open with the force of my anger and frenzy. My eyes instantaneously land on a scene I’m beginning to find both all too familiar and ferociously irritating.  As my anger mounts, the cold that always seems to settle into my bones without the woman in front of me, seeps deeper into the air.

“Why are you always with him?” My words are a growl, the anger and jealousy crawling up my throat as I stalk towards the only other two in the tavern. 

Hands balled into fists, it takes every bit of hold to make the shadows stay, to not let them lash out with the ugly burn of jealousy that lights through my system. Y/N’s eyes spark in challenge and it makes me want to both punish her and kiss her senseless. 

She turns, clearly fed up with my arrival and directs her attention to Drake. “Thanks Drake. I’ll take it from here and I’ll speak with you again before you leave regarding the next few weeks.”

 As Drake turns, he nods to her, the action too familiar, pulling at the dread in the pit of my stomach. The bastard turns slowly, a small smile playing on his lips and I want to bash his fucking teeth in. My focus turns as my Blaze finally turns back to me, with a deep breath and a look that could wither a lesser man. 

“What the fuck is your problem?” She snaps as she straightens, clearly prepared for a fight and I can’t hide the surprise in my eyes. 

“My problem. You just fucking left Cordyn and didn’t say a fucking word.” I grind out, my teeth clenched and jaw feathering.

“Here’s the problem Xaden.” Her tone and words clipped. “You think you have a say in where I go. You aren’t my wingleader anymore. I do not report to the cadre at Basgiath or in Aretia or whatever the gods names you are part of, so I don’t see where I’m stationed or move to is any of your business.”

My jaw ticks again and I tense further. I want to argue, to fight back, but she’s right – and I hate it. I would give away everything if I could just have her under my command again, have her only called to action if I wanted it to happen.

“I am more than aware of all of that. I am aware that I have no right to know where you are.” My anger still tinges my tone, but I can’t stop the fear that I know is swirling in my eyes. “But for my own fucking sanity, I need to know.”

I barely whisper the last words, each one causing my chest to tighten as I let myself be vulnerable with a truth I never admit out loud. Taking a shaking breath, I close my eyes, trying to contain the emotions that want to run riot. 

“I have no right to demand anything from you, and I know that. But I about went out of my fucking mind when I searched for you, and you were nowhere in Cordyn.” I take a breath trying to clear the emotion from my throat. 

Suddenly, we are too far apart, and I can’t take it anymore. Will not accept any distance. My arm shoots out and I grab her wrist, pulling her too me to wrap both my arms tightly around her. “I ca- I can’t lose you like that again. You can’t just disappear.”

My last words are a whisper, a plea, poured directly from my heart, aching for her own to understand as I bury my face in her hair. Seeking the comforting scent of her and the warmth of her form. 

I don’t miss the way she stands there, uncertainty wavering in every line of her form, body poised for flight. My heart is seized in a vice as I wait for her either to melt into my arms or push me away. The weight of the time slipping by making the grief in my heart grow. 

A second later everything in me breaks as her arms circle my waist and she squeezes back lightly. My breathing hitches at the movement, the hope finally beginning to shine through despair. I furrow my face further into her hair and tug her against me tighter. When her voice sounds again, it’s a gentle whisper, a balm to the ache that has been growing since our fight that seems eons ago. 

“Truthfully, I wasn’t trying to hide from or scare you.” She pauses, though her tone remains gentle. “There’s been intel given and I chose to come back here. This place is special to me.”

The minute the words leave her lips, I pick up my head, confusion flashing against my face. She gives a tired sigh in response. 

“After I left Resson, I traveled on foot for a few days and found myself here. I worked in this tavern for a few months before the owner, Red, put me in contact with Drake to assist with the war effort.” There’s no hiding the hurt that crawls into my eyes. Learning of what she was dealing with settling itself between my ribs, lost to those she thought didn’t love her, in a new town with nothing and no one. Each revelation makes my heart twist with sadness. 

“Someone could’ve killed you if they knew you were a rider.” I can’t help the panic, even when she huffs a laugh. The thought of her without any power, any way to protect herself truly eating at my core.

“At the time, I didn’t really care.” Eyes flashing, I gather her back in my arms again as my heart breaks all over again at her resignation that we never cared.

“Though I have to ask one question.” She asks as she pulls away to look me in the eyes, a pained look sliding through her colorful irises. “If I didn’t disappear, would you be acting this way? Would you be fighting for me like you are now?”

My face falls, everything I’ve done crashing down around me. Of course I want to say yes, but if she would’ve just blindly followed, would I have made her importance so clear to everyone around me? Would she have felt left behind when I had to travel back and forth to Basgiath? When I had to rescue Violet from Varrish’s hands?

 If I were her, I don’t know if I could even entertain the idea of forgiving someone. My actions seem to slice through me, the feel of talons and the crushing weight of her disappointment cleaving through my heart more effectively than any blade. My own heartbeat stutters as she takes a few steps away, the loss of her a deep ache in my chest. 

“Exactly.” The pain still radiates in her eyes, but her tone is resigned. Fight draining from the prior ferocity. “While I was here, I was welcomed. Hell, I’d go out on a limb and say I’m loved. And you dare to be jealous of Drake, when he’s done nothing but look after me for the last few months.”

“Gods Xaden. Is there any us to go back to?” Her words are bitter and want to sever everything in their wake. All the hope that had been building in my chest begins to stutter, the door beginning to shut and dread begins to tighten my throat.

“Don’t say that.” The words are a quiet plea, though I know there is nothing I can say to fix this. 

“Why? It’s the truth. You’re trying to atone for something that I don’t even know if we can get past. How can I trust that when push comes to shove, I’ll be your priority?”

“Fuck! I know!” My tone is explosive, my anger at my own actions reaching a boiling point. The bitterness at my own actions a pill that I don’t want to swallow. “Do you not understand how angry I am at myself for the way I treated you. For the way I let you be left behind.”

My boots hit the stone floor, a frantic rhythm, the only thing keeping me grounded. “I’ve woken up every fucking day – when I did even fall asleep - replaying all the fucking ways I’ve failed you. The one person I never wanted to neglect; is the one person I wholeheartedly failed the most.”

“And no, I can’t change all my shitty actions. I can’t do anything but try to gain your trust back for the rest of my fucking life. I would gladly take a scar for every way that I’ve hurt you than lose you forever. You are the only sunshine I’ve found in a life that’s been filled with nothing but rainstorms and darkness. I’ll do whatever I can to prove to you that I’m worthy of you. That you are my only priority.” Words gathering, the need to touch her is overwhelming. I feel like floating wreckage of a ship at sea and she is the calm shore I seek. Grasping her hands, the only moor in this storm that I’ve created for myself. My thumbs begin to stroke over her wrists, the movement trying to console some of the despair that I’m drowning in.  

I watch as she tips her head and closes her eyes, I want to read her. I need to know what is going through her mind. To know that there is a way to pull us through the hurt, a way back to each other, but I won’t. After everything, I need her trust, her love, and I won’t be able to build any of that back by trying to root for the answers I seek. 

A sudden blare of sirens burst through the haze of our argument and she straightens, pulling her hands from my grip and yelling for two others to find Drake.

Sheathing her weapons, she turns her head, every ounce of pain gone and focus turned to whatever the incoming fight. “We can discuss this more later, but you need to leave. That’s the attack siren and if Dhìoch is correct we only have about twenty minutes.”

My eyes harden with the news. “I’m not fucking leaving.” The last thing I’m going to do is leave her with a threat on the doorstep and only three people left to fight. 

“Yes, you are.” She volleys back. “You aren’t even supposed to be here and this isn’t your fight. You need to get back to your own riot.”

“I’m not fucking leaving you here to fight alone.” I hiss through grit teeth as I follow her out of the tavern. The thought of leaving her alone cracking the fragile relief my heart has found. 

She turns and pulls me by the lapels on my jacket, her words and gaze equally steely. “Yes. You. Are. This is not your fight. This is Poromiel, not Navarre, not Aretia, not Tyrrendor. Go home and defend it.”

She lets go and turns to bolt for Dhioch, but my hand shoots out and wraps around her wrist, turning her to face me. I’ll be damned if I’m going to leave and not come to her fucking aide. I just found her again and I’m not letting this be the end.  

“I’m going to get the rest of my riot from Draithus and will be right back.” I explain as I place my face directly in hers. She needs to realize that I’m not backing down. Not now, not ever. “Do not be reckless.”

I don’t let her respond before my hands move again. One is lost in the softness of her hair at the base of her neck, the other wrapped around her waist and holding her as close as I possibly can. I drop my head and kiss her as fiercely as I can, letting all my grief, longing, and desperation pour into every second. The kiss is over too quickly, but I know that I can’t linger. She gasps as I let go, immediately turning and running for Sgaeyl. 

‘We need to get in range for the riot at Draithus. I don’t want to go all the way there, but we need backup.’ Sgaeyl doesn’t wait for me to be seated before she shoots up from the ground. 

I don’t let myself turn around, because I know if I do, I may not be able to leave her. It takes everything in me to keep myself from swinging off Sgaeyl’s back and sprinting back to my Blaze. My fingers tap my thighs in a restless rhythm, the hum of battle and blood singing under my skin along with the flame of worry that I won’t get there in time. 

Entrenched in my own anxious thoughts, I’m almost unseated when Sgaeyl suddenly banks right and glides back towards Pavis.

‘Chradh is in range. I have notified the riot to alert all available riders.’ Sgaeyl’s silken voice breaks through my thoughts, my veins begin to sing with bloodlust. The insatiable need to repay the enemy for the loss of my friend and brother.

‘Remind Chradh that Y/N and Dhioch are there, and they are the priority.’ My voice holds both demand and plea, knowing that Sgaeyl could easily deny my request.

‘They are already aware. I have relayed the relevant information from our time there. I left out your groveling and holding onto your sanity by a tether.’ I roll my eyes, but don’t deny it.

We haven’t flown more than five miles before a familiar brown dragon flanks Sgaeyl. Garrick’s familiar curls whip in the wind, face firm as he nods in greeting. My heart settles slightly now that he’s here to make sure Blaze stays safe. He knows that her safety is paramount, and he won’t hesitate to act if I cannot. 

I plaster myself to Sgaeyl’s scales, my body desperate to cut any amount of resistance. As the town begins to slide into view again, my eyes widen as my nostrils begin to fill with smoke. The ash and smoke rising from the town below has the little bit of calm I had retreating completely. 

Suddenly another brown dragon rises in front of us, and I instinctively search Dhioch’s back. When I come up empty, panic begins to claw up my throat, but I push it down and set my eyes on the wyvern in view. It’s then that my eyes widen. 

A venin looks locked in battle, but there isn’t anyone in the direction the creature is looking. The billowing robes fan out as the dagger in their hand, dripping in an opaque green, slices down and seems to embed in an invisible surface. 

“Amari, no.” The words are a whisper. A petition to the goddess that what I think just happened isn’t true. 

But as blood begins to drip, Blaze’s power begins to flicker, her form coming fully into view. I can’t tear my eyes away as I watch the venin lunge forward, but before it can connect with her, she trips. I scream her name as I watch her fall from the wyvern’s back, helplessness singing through my bones.

Sgaeyl doesn’t wait, doesn’t tell me she’s moving. I jolt in my seat, using my shadows to keep me tethered as I’m almost vaulted into the air with the force. As I watch in horror, knowing we will never make it in time, Dhioch slices through the air and catches her rider. But it isn’t enough. The momentum of Y/N’s body has her rolling off her dragon’s back, body falling again through the air. 

In seconds Sgaeyl pulls up quickly and my body finally reacts, shock giving way to action. My hands shoot out, bands of shadows grasping feverishly to break her fall, to drag her to my arms. Biceps straining and sweat running down my forehead, I force the shadows to hold. I shove every bit of magic I can into the safety of the woman I cannot possibly live without.

Both too fast and too slowly, she is finally wrapped in my arms, but the desperation doesn’t calm. My hand grasps her side and wild panic begins to set in as my hand comes away black.

‘She’s been fucking poisoned. We have to get her to Brennan.’ The words are a petition to Sgaeyl. 

‘Perhaps the distance wield-’

‘NO! I won’t fucking let her go.’ My words are final. The true panic, the cost of the war we are fighting settling into my bones. My throat tries to close as I send entreaties to every god and goddess in the pantheon to save the woman who is feverish and limp in my arms. 

I feel as Sgaeyl begins to land and it has my anxiety skyrocketing. ‘Why are we landing? We should be headed to Aretia.’ My demand is met with silence, even though the rage of battle still clatters around us.

My gaze swings as I watch Drake jogging towards us. I tighten my grip on instinct, my body recoiling at the thought of letting her go for even an instant, but my eyes catch on the vial that rests in his hands.

“Set her down Riorson.” Drake demands, beginning to tug her towards the ground. 

“Get the fuck off her.” I growl, seconds away from letting the shadow satiate their bloodlust.

“I’m trying to save her life asshole. Use your brain and not your emotions for just a second.” Drake demands, his own will battling against my own. 

“These herbs will slow the poison. And from what I can see, there is more than one entry point into her system. We have to get this down her throat now or she won’t make it.” The fire in his words and stare, cut through the haze of worry. 

I place her down, but my hand cradles her head, tilting it so that her mouth parts slightly, head resting gently on my shoulder. The way her body lays slack, her fiery spirit subdued by poison, it makes me want to burn the world. Every nerve in my body sings to turn and make the venin pay, to watch the light drain from their scarlet eyes and hurt them with more pain than she will ever feel. Instead, I focus intently on her lips, watching as Drake pours the concoction into her mouth and tries to get her throat to work the herbs down.

Her throat bobs slowly, gasping breaths still tearing from her. My fingers find her wrist, letting the slight pick up of her pulse bolster me slightly.  

Drake drains the remaining drops of the herbs and helps to close her mouth. “You’ll need to get her to a mender or Poromish healer quickly. The herbs will slow the spread of the poison, but she needs a larger dose or someone to pull it completely.”

I nod at him, though my eyes never leave the woman in my arms. I hear Drake’s retreating footsteps and I let myself take a breath. 

That one moment proves to be the mistake.

Without a warning, talons grip around my shoulders and lift me off the ground. Panic claws as I let the shadows curl and wrap around my Blaze, bringing her back into the safety of my arms. Eyes then rise to see the familiar blue scales of Sgaeyl.

‘What the fuck was that?’ I demand as I adjust Y/N in my arms. 

‘Would you prefer that I let you be drained by a venin while you were grounded.’ Head whipping, my eyes widen with shock when I register the purple robes and the hand still firmly drawn to the ground.

“Fuck.” The words are a whisper of frustration. My mind has been so focused on Y/N that I completely forgot about the battle being raged around me. 

‘Calm yourself. We have been called to retreat and regroup. The town has been lost. Riders have been directed to return to Aretia.’ Sgaeyl’s words do nothing to stop the devastation or the thoughts of what could’ve happened if we wouldn’t have been there. 

The thoughts cause my grip to tighten on my Blaze, my fingers gliding to her wrist desperate to feel the thrum of her pulse. Its strained and fainter than I’d like, but I place my hope in the herbs Drake gave her as Sgaeyl picks up speed, headed straight for Aretia.

_________________________

“We both need to see her, please.” The voices outside the door begin to pick up, and my brow furrows at the outburst. Everyone in this house knows better than to disturb this room.

I walk to the door and pull it open to be greeted with a sight I never expected. There are two people I’ve never seen before walking next to Brennan. Brows furrowing, I step out of the room and focus on the three. 

“This is the one you’re going to need to speak with in order to see Y/N.” Brennan says as he points my way. 

“And who are you two?” I ask with suspicion plain on my face.

Blue eyes narrow on me, clearly aware of more than I am. I try to read them both, but my confusion only grows when I come up blank. 

“I’m Redvers and this is my wife, Ceridwen.” The man steps forward, challenge written on his face, but I only cock one eyebrow. His wife rolls her eyes and pushes in front of her husband. 

“We’ve come to check on Y/N. She was with us while she was in Pavis and has become a daughter of sorts. Drake brought us here and confirmed this is where we would likely find her.” Ceridwen explains as her fingers twist in nervousness. “She also told us a lot about you, Xaden Riorson.”

Hearing my name makes me take a step back. It’s been a while since someone from Poromiel has addressed me so openly, at least someone not of noble birth. 

“Yes, she told us plenty, which is why we’d like to see her and make sure she is being taken care of.” Redvers cuts in, and I bristle at the insinuation. Though it doesn’t last long when Ceridwen’s elbow finds Redvers’ stomach. 

“Now you both can have a pissing contest somewhere else, but I want to see if my darling girl is alright.” Ceridwen cuts in again. I wrinkle my nose, not wanting to give in, but knowing my Blaze, she’ll be furious if I don’t.

I step back to the door and open it gesturing for them to go inside. As Ceridwen rounds the door and sees the bed, her hands fly to her face, and she moves directly for the bed. 

“Oh, my dear.” She says as she sits lightly on the bed next to her, grabbing her hand. 

Though its Redvers reaction that truly has me astonished. He stands there in front of the bed, as if his feet are plastered to the floor. His gaze fixed on Y/N’s frame and in seconds his shoulders begin to shake. 

“You silly girl. You should’ve just let me fall.” Redvers says under his breath, clearly not knowing that I’m close enough to hear, his silent sobs slightly distorting the words. 

Each word opens one of the cracks in my heart. I’m both thankful that my Blaze had people to take care of her and equally terrified that they convinced her that she could find someone better than me. Find a life filled with happiness and not one of blood and heartbreak.

After a short time, I find myself sitting in the chair closer to my desk. Legs sprawled out as I continue to keep vigilance over my Blaze, Redvers, and Ceridwen. 

A look of happy nostalgia passes across Ceridwen’s face before she turns to me. “I don’t know the full story about what happened between you two, but I do know that the woman in that bed is loyal to a fault. If she loves you and you let that go, just know that you may have given up the greatest love you’ll receive in your entire life.”

I look back at her, a sad smile crawling across my face. “I won’t say that I haven’t made enormous mistakes when it comes to her, but I can promise that it won’t ever happen again.”

“You better see to that.” Redvers comments as he cuts me a quick glance. “Because if you do, I’ll make sure it’s the last mistake you make.”

“Red!” Ceridwen cries, giving him a look of admonishment.

“What? I’m not going to let him hurt her again and get away with it. If she’s willing to let him get close again, that is.” Redvers says, clearly not put off by his wife’s reprimand.

I nod my head in acknowledgment. “Trust me, I’ll let you do whatever you want if I dare to hurt her like that again. Provided that she doesn’t beat you to it.”

“Ah, yes, she has seemed to come into her fire, hasn’t she.” Redvers snickers, a proud look in his eyes.

“She certainly hasn’t forgiven me yet.” My words are low as my eyes fall on the girl still quiet on the bed.

“Good, that must mean I’ve taught her well.” Ceridwen muses and I can’t help the smile that follows.

My thoughts turn at the realization of Blaze’s previous words about the couple in front of me and after watching their care for her, there’s only one thing I can do.

“Are you both going back to Poromiel soon?”

“We aren’t sure right now. Firstly, we would like to make sure Y/N is alright. But after that –“ Redvers cuts off with a shrug. “That tavern was our life, our retirement after my years as a flier.”

I let the thought settle, but knowing my Blaze, it doesn’t take long for the plan to solidify.

“Would you both be willing to settle in Aretia?” I ask turning between the two. 

Looking at each other, their brows quirk, clearly taken aback by the question. 

“I mean, we don’t want to be a burden when we know you are all still rebuilding.” Ceridwen replies though I can sense she’s tired of just the small travel they’ve had to deal with.

“Nonsense.” I contradict. “Besides, we could use another tavern in town. That is, if you both are interested.”

I know that if Y/N was awake, she would be overjoyed at the smile that crosses both of their faces. I only hope that having two people that have supported her fully will make her smile once I finally see her awake again. 

“If that’s so, we’d love to.” They reply in unison.

“Wonderful.” Rising to my feet, I put my hand out, wanting to get into some of Redvers good graces. “I’ll speak with Brennan and see where we have an open cottage and the best area for a new tavern, but I know the people will be more than excited at a new place to entertain them.”

_______________________________

It’s been days of restlessness. The desire to bust through the doors of Riorson House and fly – anywhere – pulling at every inch of my being. Yet, I can’t imagine being anywhere but here. 

As I stare at the form in the bed, my eyes strain from my efforts to not let them close. I’ve convinced myself that if I blink, she’ll either disappear or I’ll lose her to Malek forever. 

‘Dhioch has confirmed their bond is strong. You just must be patient.’ Sgaeyl’s words are meant to soothe, to provide the knowledge that its only time and healing that separates the woman in the bed and myself, but it doesn’t take the worry away. 

‘I won’t believe that until she opens her eyes.’ The reply is the same one I’ve given to Sgaeyl and all the others for days. I just can’t let myself believe it’s the truth. 

Finishing the statement, there is a light tap on the door to my room. At this point it can only be a handful of people. I’ve driven the others away in fits of rage enough for them to finally understand to leave me alone. As much as the Assembly has barked orders and disgruntledly voiced their objection, I will not cower to those who are in my home because I let them be. The threat to throw them out is not one I made lightly, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Brennan opens the door, his familiar auburn hair sliding around the slight opening. It’s the one person whose presence brings me a kind of comfort, knowing that he can sense if there are still issues in Y/N’s body. 

“How long is this going to take?” My impatience is clear as I flex my hands by my side. As much as I try, I’ve been riding an edge that I can’t seem to get off.

“That’s not something I can predict. I can’t mend the poison from her system.” Brennan replies as the exhaustion in his voice becomes clear. Between healing Y/N and the others that were brought from Pavis, he’s been on a constant rotation of patients.

“It’s been over a week. It didn’t take this long when Violet was poisoned.” My feet continue their pacing. 

“I understand, but poison doesn’t affect every person the same. Besides, from the light discoloration from her veins on her left arm, it seems like this has happened before.” Brennan’s reply is curt, exhaustion etching each word. 

My footsteps come to a sudden halt. “What?!?” I can’t keep the panic away. How did I not know before?

“Didn’t you notice the black veins running down her arm while we were in Cordyn. They stood in stark relief to her skin and that dress.” Brennan says, though his tone of nonchalance is doing nothing to soothe the mounting worry.

“I was a little busy trying to keep myself in one place and not forcefully pick her up and leave with Sgaeyl, so no, I suppose I didn’t notice.” My anger and fear swirl again in a never-ending circle when it seems to come to my Blaze. “Besides, why would that matter, that was over a month ago now.”

“Yes, but her body obviously wasn’t recovered from that poisoning, so now it’s taking longer.” 

“And I’m going out of my fucking mind. I’m being ordered to Draithus again tomorrow and I can’t leave not knowing if she’s going to be okay.” My stoicism has seemed to completely drain from my body. Emotion catapulting through every crevasse, no longer contained in my gaze. 

“Unfortunately, Lieutenant, you don’t have much of a choice. You’re going to be leaving tomorrow with Sgaeyl, and you’ll have to deal with it.” Brennan’s gaze and words grow hard, all feeling leaching from his voice. 

“Don’t fucking try me, Brennan. You won’t fucking win.” I challenge. This isn’t the first time the idea of throwing the Sorrengail’s out of Riorson House has crossed my mind in the past few months.

“Oh, I don’t have to try you. Lieutenant Colonel, remember?” Brennan turns, leaving that as the threat he thinks it is. My lips curl into a sneer at the door and my breath leaves in a disgruntled huff. If it wasn’t for the fact that he has wormed his way so deeply into the Assembly and his powers as mender, I may have kicked him out ages ago. 

Turning my head back to the woman that my heart beats for, I lower myself onto the bed, aching to be closer to her. 

“Blaze, I need you to fight this. I need you with me. You can’t leave me again, not like this, not before I can show you how much I love you.” I let the pain gather in every word, there’s no one here to watch me fall apart. As my hands shake slightly, I let my head lull forward, my forehead resting on Y/N’s arm. The tears are silent as they split me apart. I let myself break, my only reassurance is the slow rise and fall of her chest and the beat of her pulse beneath my fingers. 

Days later, that’s the one hope I cling to as I dress in a fresh set of flying leathers. I linger at the bedside just taking in her form, committing every inch to memory as my heartrate speeds at the thought of leaving her. The unknown clawing at my bones.

“You need to stop hiding in here Xaden.” Violet’s words float to my ears as she comes into the room behind Brennan.

My gaze swiftly finds hers but she doesn’t flinch at the animosity burning in my eyes. “No one told you that you were welcome here, Violet.” I don’t hold the irritation out of my voice, she should know by now my room isn’t a place for her to be.

“Welcome or not, someone needs to get you to see reason.” Gods. This woman. Why can’t she just stop pushing? Its always the same incessant need to push you past the boundaries you’ve already set.

“Trust me, reason has never been clearer than what I see right in front of me.” My words are piercing as my gaze lands back on Y/N.

“You’re going to put the fate of this rebellion on a chance that she might wake?” Brennan now pushes; they are clearly trying to force my anger to push past restraint.

“I didn’t ask for either of your opinions on my relationship. In fact, I would very much like you to just check her and leave Brennan.” My words are steel, immovable against their continual prodding. 

“You may not have asked for opinions, but this entire rebellion is your fight. You chose to pick up this mantle out of the ashes of your father’s fight. Now, its time for you to realize that your own relationships will need to suffer a little bit at the rebellion’s hands.”

My gaze finally turns as Brennan finishes. He may be a strategist, but he must’ve forgotten who he’s dealing with. Shadows writhe on the floor, agitated like an entire den of vipers at the insinuation that I sacrifice the woman I love for a cause that owes me more than anyone.

“I may have chosen to pick up the mantle, but I can also chose to leave it behind. You hold no power over my decisions formally and as far as power is concerned, I’m of a disgraced house. If I see fit to leave this behind, I will.” If my words were blades, they would cut through skin and bone like butter. “So do not make me chose. You will not like the outcome.”

A frosty silence settles over the room, a heavy weight in the air. Neither of them dares speak again. Brennan turns around and walks away, but Violet lingers, clearly not done pushing. 

“You know she won’t stay.” Violet comments as she begins to walk away. The comment is given off-handedly, both a dig and provocation, but I’ve been more than prepared for anyone to bring this up.

“Then neither will I.” The response is out before she can even complete her next breath. 

That causes her to turn, brow furrowed as if I’d drawn a line she never expected me to. “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times, it’s only her. It will only ever be her. And from here on out, you, Brennan, the Assembly, hell, everyone on the Continent, even in the Isles if I must, will know it will always be her – only her.”

I turn back to the door and shut it before she can respond, exhaustion washing over me, but I harden as I move towards the bed. I told her that I would be here when she wakes up and from here on out, I’m never going back on a single promise I make. The world could be burning around me, and if she calls, I will come, threats of death or harm to anyone else I love be damned.

I don’t know when I drift. When sleep finally takes me after days of anxious waiting, frantic searching, and then another scare for my Blaze’s life, but for the first time in months my body feels at rest. The position in the chair next to her may be uncomfortable, but it’s the only place I’m willing to be. 

_____________________

The click of the door brings me out of my reverie. “Nothing yet?” Bodhi’s voice is quiet as he looms in the doorway. There’s no way to miss the sadness in his eyes. I lost the woman I love, but both he and Garrick lost a friend. We’ve all fucked up royally, and none of us know if she’ll ever forgive any of us after this. 

“No.” Gaze moving back to the bed, her pulse, once a reassurance, is beginning to taunt me. I just need her to open those beautiful eyes. I need to know that the last words I spoke to her weren’t in anger and command. I’ve never been a religious man, but I’ve entreated the mercy of every god for her to wake up healthy and whole. For her to come back to me, to forgive me at some point. 

“I promise I’ll keep an eye on her Xaden.” Bodhi replies as he walks into the room. “If anything changes, I’ll get word to you as soon as I can.”

I swing my hand to his shoulder and squeeze. I’d prefer to be here myself, but I can’t just shirk my duty when nothing seems to be changing with her state, even though my entire body revolts at leaving her. 

“I know. It’s the only thing I can dare hope for cousin.” My hand drops to my side as I drop back onto the bed. 

Touching her forehead with my own, I breathe her in, bracing myself for the loss of her while at the outpost. “It’s taking everything in me not to tell the entirety of this rebellion to fuck off and stay here with you. Just know that I will be thinking about you every moment love, I need you to know that I’m coming back for you – only you.”

Moving to stand, I don’t let myself look back, because I know if I do, I’ll never leave. 

“Take care of her, Bodhi. I’m counting on you.” I toss over my shoulder as I step out into the hall. 

Beginning the trek down the staircase from the family quarters, the inconvenient bond that I share starts to pull taut and I know I won’t be alone for long. 

Violet’s boots pound the staircase next to me as we both continue towards the large oak doors of Riorson House’s entrance. 

“Surprised to see you leaving.” She comments, a slight mock to her tone.

From the corner of my eyes, I look at her. She still stands head held high and resilient, but even I can see the cracks in her armor after battles keep coming with no reprieve.

“If I didn’t have orders, I wouldn’t be.” There’s no elaboration, no comfort, just facts. Our relationship has turned into one of reluctant acceptance that we will always need to work together, but the edge into my confidence that I had given her before has dulled.  

We don’t speak again as we break apart. Opening the large oak door to the courtyard, I take a deep breath, the cold clearing the haze that had settled into restless days next to Y/N’s bedside. As much as I don’t want to go, I can’t deny the pull in my bones to destroy something, to feel the freedom of flight. 

The song of violence dances in my veins as I mount Sgaeyl and we fly to the outpost. I am more than ready to deal the same brutality my Blaze received back to any venin that dares to cross my path. In fact, I welcome the bloodlust as it thrums through my veins.

_______________________

As Sgaeyl’s wings glide on the winds of the cold autumn morning, my mind is filled with all the what ifs. After a week of patrol on the front and no word from Bodhi, I’m walking the edge of sanity. My mind is clouded with what I’m going to do if I find that Y/N is still in the same spot in the bed where I left her. The silence stretching far beyond what I’m comfortable with.

I scratch the scruff that has grown in from days of constant movement. Exhaustion pulling on every muscle and limb makes me want to crawl in bed for a week, but the uncertainty of what I’m walking into has my entire being on edge. 

Sgaeyl doesn’t bother speaking, she’s more than tired of my constant thoughts over the last week. 

‘I think you mean since she left. Besides, haven’t you ever heard the human saying of no news is good news.’ I reel back in surprise at Sgaeyl’s words. It’s the first time she’s spoken since we’ve left the front. 

‘Of course I have, it doesn’t mean that it’s actually true.’ I snap as my surprise wanes. 

‘If she’s awake and all you’re doing is scowling, do you think she’s going to open up to you?’ Curiosity lines Sgaeyl’s tone as I roll my eyes. My nosey dragon is more than fond of human relationship dramatics, especially my own. 

‘Oh, be quiet you.’ I can’t help the sass. I’m on edge and I don’t feel like entertaining Sgaeyl’s pointed words. 

‘You may find yourself with a few obstacles on your way in.’ She comments wryly as Riorson House finally comes into view. 

I ignore the words and as she swoops close enough to the field, I let my shadows hold as I dismount Sgaeyl. Her form continuing onto the valley beyond. I don’t break my strides, wishing in my mind once again that I had Garrick’s gift of distance wielding. 

As I reach the courtyard, I see squads of second years gathered and waiting in groups. My eyes are drawn to the girl who is smaller than the rest. It’s almost comical how easy it can be to spot Violet in a riot, and it isn’t because of her hair. No, her smaller stature sets her apart from every other rider on the field. 

“Come on Sorrengail, we’ve got to get going if we want to win that weekend.” Rhiannon calls towards her, but Violet’s feet stay firmly planted.

“Back from the front?” Violet’s voice cuts through the din as she aims her words at me.

“Yes and needing to get inside. I’ll catch up with you later Violet.” My words are curt, my sole aim to get to my room as soon as possible.

I hear her call something else as I continue walking, but I’m too focused to bother figuring out what exactly it is. 

My emotions are torn as my feet land on doorstep, waring between relief and panic about what I’ll find inside. A deep breath has me swinging the doors wide, eyes darting around the crowded hallways that greet me. Cadets shuffle between classes making it almost impossible to get to the staircase of the family wing. 

A familiar head of curls comes into view and his gaze sweeps to mine, surprise flashes in his eyes before Bodhi is trying to dart away between the gathering crowd. 

“Bodhi!” My voice booms at his retreating form. Heads swing towards me, but no one moves to stop him from dashing away. 

Shadows stream across the floor, heading in the direction he left in. They swirl up his arm, stopping him, but he counters and is off again.

“Damn it.” I mutter under my breath as I muscle through the gathering crowd. 

“Move.” Command leaches from my voice as I snarl at everyone in the hall. In seconds, the crowd has parted, cadets flinching from the steel in my tone and gaze. I don’t bother holding back my strides, lengthening every one until I’m almost at a run. 

As I turn the corner, I see Bodhi dipping into the library. As I step into the familiar space, I check to my left and right and don’t miss the look from the scribe sitting near the entrance. 

“Bodhi?” His name is as much of a question as it is a demand. 

With a look of slight fear, the scribe points in the direction of the farthest bookshelf. Nodding, I turn, my steps purposeful, yet silent on the stone floor. I let the shadows crawl up the wall, sentinels waiting for command. The minute the edge of the shelf clears, they fall and stop Bodhi in his tracks. His hand comes up to move them from his way, but this time he isn’t getting away that easily. 

I step up behind him and my hand falls to his shoulder, tightening in a grip so he knows that this game of cat and mouse is over.

He turns slowly and his eyes hesitate to meet my own. “What the fuck is going on, Bodhi? Why did you run from me?”

I don’t miss his flinch as my hand tightens on his shoulder. His mouth opens and closes, as if he can’t exactly form the words of what he wants to say. My eyes flit back and forth, trying desperately to figure out what he’s not saying.

“Spit it out.” I say, frustration getting the better of me.

“She’s awake.” He spits with a false smile that has my own pulse spiking.

“And…there’s something you aren’t saying.” My eyes narrow as he continues to fidget, clearly wanting to be anywhere but here. 

‘I believe what he’s trying to convey is that she’s awake, but not currently there.’ Sgaeyl slips into my mind, a mix between amusement and irritation coloring through the bond.  

“Where the fuck is she?!?” Exasperation mixing with dread has my previously even tone now reverberating off the rafters of the library. 

Creaks of chairs and the closing of books tells me that everyone in the library is now listening. A huff of annoyance puffs from my nose as I begin dragging Bodhi with me back to the courtyard. 

“Talk. Now.” 

“I – I went to check on her yesterday and when I got there, the bed was empty.” My fist curls around the lapel of Bodhi’s flight jacket where my fingers still grip him tightly. “I walked in and there was no sign of a struggle or anything and then I heard the shower running. I thought about knocking at the door.”

Bodhi hesitates, looking at me like he doesn’t want to continue his thought. “I figured you wouldn’t take too kindly to me seeing her in the shower or otherwise undressed.” He clears his throat, clearly having thought about this more than I’d like. My eyes narrow before he continues hurriedly.

“So, I left and went to my next class. I figured by the time battle brief was over, she would be finished and wanting to figure out where she was.” Bodhi stops, his shoulders sagging. 

“But, by the time I made it back, she was gone.”

“Gone where?” My voice drops, the fire behind each previous word turned to ice.

“Calm down, cousin.” I bristle at the words, fists now clenched white at my sides and my jaw locked tight. I can feel the muscle feather in my jaw from holding myself back.

“Don’t tell me to fucking calm down. Where is she, Bodhi?”

“Dhioch hasn’t left the valley. Cuir confirmed with Dhioch that she’s in town with the people that had previously taken her in.” As Bodhi finishes, I’m moving. I don’t care what else he has to say. My Blaze is awake and I’m not wasting another moment without her. 

‘Sgaeyl, is she at the small cottage that Brennan had told me about?’ I reach out, needing to know where to go. 

There is a pause where I’m unsure if Sgaeyl is just ignoring me or if she just doesn’t want to be involved. I grab a horse from the stable and make my way into town

‘The Devoted One is on her way back there. But, you must hurry, Dhioch can feel an unusual exhaustion pulling on her.’ I pull up in the saddle and urge the stallion forward, encouraging him to move as fast as he can. 

 As we move through the rubble between Riorson House and the small cottage, my pulse kicks up, hoping that I will find her before anything goes wrong. 

A figure moving in the distance catches my eye and it’s not hard to see the exhaustion that is pulling on each of her limbs. Her movements are sluggish, the opposite of her normal grace. Bringing the stallion to an abrupt halt, I hoist myself off before it stops completely, momentum dragging me towards her.

Eyes widening, my hands fly out, shadows streaming towards her as her knee gives out. Her eyes close and face scrunches bracing for the impact, but obsidian bands wrap tightly around her torso and keep her upright. Her eyes fly open, confused as to why she didn’t hit the ground, until her they meet mine.

With two strides, I’m in front of her, shadows falling as I gather her into my arms and my face buried in her hair. My grip strengthens as my throat tightens at the emotions that are now burning like a wildfire again. 

“You’re going to send me to Malek one of these days.” My words are a whisper in her hair and I hear her huff a laugh, though there’s no humor behind it. I keep her tucked close to me, needing to feel each and every line of her body against mine. To remind myself that she is here, breathing and whole.

“For some reason I think I have an appointment with the god of death before you do.” Grip tightening further, I can’t help the spike of anxiety that cracks through me like lightning. 

“Don’t even fucking joke like that.” I bite out each syllable, I can’t stand the thought of her talking about her life so flippantly.

I pull her back and let my gaze search hers. Her own eyes seem to flit around my entire face, but I don’t miss the way that they pull, trying decidedly to close. She lets out a large yawn and goes to pull away from me, but even a slight separation feels like a blade to my ribs.

“If you’ll excuse me, I’m tired. I’m going to bed.” She turns, clearly intent on leaving me behind, but I won’t have it. My hand flies out to grab her wrist and I whirl her back around to face me.

“Then come with me.” Everything about me softens, my tone, my eyes, my entire posture. I let the plea of the words shine in the gold of my eyes. 

“Come with you where? I don’t even know where we are. All I know is there are two people that are grateful for my existence in this cottage that offered me a warm bed.” She gestures towards the cottage as if they are the only ones that care about her existence.

“You’re in Aretia. I took you here after Pavis was evacuated.” The words are just facts, she should know by now I wasn’t going to let her go back to Tecarus or to the waiting arms of Drake. I leash the jealousy before it starts to burn a hole in my stomach, knowing its not the time to let the green-eyed monster make its appearance known. 

“While I appreciate everything you’ve done for Red and Ceridwen, I’ll only be staying until I feel back to myself fully.” She turns to walk away again, and I refuse to back down.

“You are staying here.” I insist, not letting her get a word in as I step forward and tower slightly over her. But the entire world stops as her eyes begin to glaze over and roll skyward.

“Y/N, Love.” It’s all I manage before she collapses in my arms, and I waste no time scooping her up and heading back towards the horse. Her breathing turns labored, and I can tell she is solely focused on keeping her chest rising and falling.

Heartbeat galloping as fast as the stallion below me, I try to control my grip so I don’t crush or jostle her. I fold her tightly into me as we ride as fast as possible back to Riorson House. 

“You’ll be alright love; you just need to hold on for me.” I whisper as my mouth grazes her ear, but I can hear the fear in my own voice.

Her breathing is continuing to grow shallow as we are jolted through the rocky terrain. My eyes are constantly moving between her and the terrain in front of us. Riorson House comes into view but it does little to quell the panic.

My eyes catch hers for a heartbeat and I can only imagine the terror she can see swimming in them. I want to drop my head to hers, to be closer than I am, but I won’t risk the horse not getting us straight back. 

We come to a sudden halt and I use the shadows to lift her from the horse and then back into my waiting arms. 

“Where’s Brennan?” I bark as I rush through the now emptier hallways. Though those present now part quicker than before. Good. I don’t need any fucking obstacles. 

“Wh-what the hell Riorson?” Brennan’s voice greets my ears as he steps out from the Assembly chambers. 

“You need to help her. She fainted and she’s barely breathing.” I explain, but I don’t stop, taking the stairs two at a time back to the privacy of my room. 

Kicking the door open I quickly step towards the bed, though I halt to turn towards Brennan.

“Stop standing there and fucking help her!” I roar, Y/N jumping slightly in my arms at the ferocity of my tone. I squeeze her gently as I lower her softly to the bed.  

“You need to calm down. Most likely it’s just the aftereffects of the poison trying to leave her system.” Brennan’s voice is calm, too fucking calm for my liking.

“Don’t tell me to fucking calm down.” I growl. “She’s been out for two fucking weeks and then disappears and no one fucking tells me! You want me to calm down, then fix her!”

Brennan steps closer, though I don’t miss the look of annoyance he shoots me. It wouldn’t be the first time he has questioned me on my relationship with Y/N. I watch intently as his hands rove over her body, the golden glow of healing slipping over her form. 

I don’t realize the breath I’ve been holding until I watch her chest rise and fall into a deep breath. She exhales through her mouth and the relief brings me to my knees. 

“Thank the gods.” A breathless whisper leaves me as I bring myself closer to her. She turns and her eyes meet mine. I can only hope she sees the relief that crosses my face. My hand comes up to her face and cradles her cheek, my thumb rubbing back and forth, though I’m unsure if the comfort is for her or myself. 

“What happened?” Her brows crease as she tries to shake off the fog clouding her eyes.

Brennan’s movement catches her attention, and her eyes track to his figure seated at the edge of the bed. This isn’t the first time I’ve been thankful to have a mender in the ranks of the rebellion, but with her tentative state, the relief hits differently.  

“I believe it was the last remnants of poison pushing through your system.” Brennan relays looking her over. 

Her eyes don’t stay focused on him long, as her eyelids begin to flutter, the exhaustion clearly taking its toll. She looks back to me and blinks slowly, trying to fight to stay awake. 

“I’m tired.” The words are laced with more meaning than just physical exhaustion and I would be a fool not to catch them.

“I know, my Love.” I murmur to her, continuing the sweep of my thumb against the soft skin of her cheek. “Sleep, I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

I lose the battle with myself and lean forward and placing a lingering kiss to her forehead. The relief that floods through my chest is more forceful than the waterfalls that fall into the Arctile Ocean from the Cliffs of Dralor. 

Her eyes flutter closed, and I tighten my grip on her hand, needing the contact, needing to know that she’s still with me. 

“She should be out of the danger zone, Xaden.” Brennan’s voice drags me back into the room, moving my focus from the girl in front of me. “Though I would say if she ends up poisoned like that again, I’m worried she may not be able to recover.”

The words slice through the tentative peace that had settled into my bones. 

“Then she won’t be.” I reply as my gaze turns back to her. “If its up to me, she’s not going anywhere near the front again until the end of this fucking war.”

Brennan huffs a humorless laugh as he rises from the bed. “For some reason, I don’t think she would take to kindly to that suggestion. I’ve already seen her take a dagger to save someone who has done nothing but push her out of her own relationship, so I don’t think she’ll let you leave her out of the fight.”

I don’t turn around as I hear his footfalls head towards the door. I have nothing to say to that, because as much as I want to keep her safe, I know that she won’t sit idly by. My gaze still stays transfixed as I hear the door open and close, the click giving me a respite from the tumult of adrenaline still roiling through my body. 

A few hours later, a tentative knock sounds on the door, the familiar cadence telling me that it’s Garrick on the other side. I flick my wrist and shadows unlatch the door, tugging Garrick forward into the room. 

“Heard it’s been a tumultuous day.” He comments as he walks towards the bed, staring down at Y/N still tucked safely in the sheets. I let my hand drift from hers, but the space is something I loathe. 

A tired sigh leaves me as I settle farther back in the chair and look at my best friend. “You could say that.”

“Sometimes I wonder if you’re the distance wielder between the two of us.” He muses as he settles on the side of the bed, giving Y/N a once over as she sleeps. “You and Sgaeyl were gone before I could even get out of the dining hall.”

My shoulders shrug in response, there’s nothing really to say when he knew the reason I was out of there the minute my rounds of patrol were over.

“How’s she doing, Xaden?” He asks as he squeezes her hand. The worried looks that he and Bodhi give her don’t escape me, though they both try to hide them as best they can. 

“She wasn’t even here.” I recount and his gaze swings back to me, confusion written in his brows. “She had woken up, showered, and went into Aretia to the couple I told you about. I almost broke Bodhi’s jaw when he tried to run away from me to avoid telling me she wasn’t here.”

Garrick’s boisterous laugh brings a smirk to my face, my emotions settling slightly at the comforting feeling of a conversation with my best friend. Though it helps that my Blaze is sleeping soundly in bed and I know that she’s out of danger.

“I found her, of course, but she fainted, and I rushed here to get her to Brennan. Apparently, there were still remnants of the poison in her system.”

“Brennan thinks she may not recover if she takes a poisoned blade again, so we’re going to have to make sure that doesn’t happen.” Protectiveness sears into my tone and Garrick’s change in features tells me he’s not afraid to do what needs to be done to keep her safe as well. 

“We’ll keep her safe.” His words are firm; an agreement wrapped in care. “Do you think she’ll forgive you? – Forgive us?”

The words roll off his tongue as he turns back to her, though I don’t miss the flash of regret in his eyes. 

“I hope so. Hell, I’ll beg and plead for the rest of my life if she’ll just give me a chance.” 

‘So hopeless.’ Sgaeyl slips through my mind, but there’s no malice in her tone. A feeling of warmth wraps around my mind and although Sgaeyl may never actively say she loves my Blaze, there’s no doubt she does.

“I’ll leave you both to get some rest.” Garrick says as he rises from the bed. He stops in front of me and clasps his hand hard on my shoulder. “No matter what happens, we’ll take care of her Xaden. She’s important to all of us and its time she is reminded of that.”

I give a confirming nod as his hand squeezes my shoulder before he strides out the door. As the small click of the lock sounds, I settle myself back in the chair, hand outstretched and grasping hers tightly in my own. My lids fall closed, the comfort of being near her settling me enough for sleep for the first time in ages. 

________________________________

Her head rests on my shoulder and my eyes trace our intertwined hands. I can feel the soft smile that glides across her face as she stares out towards the burnished gold and orange of the oncoming sunset. The imposing forms of Sgaeyl and Dhioch flank each side of us, both dragons curled in a pose of relaxation. 

Since my father’s death, my life has been consumed by the rebellion and sleepless nights at every turn. But sitting here, in the quiet, for the first time in ages I find my mind has stilled. Instead of the incessant need to make plans, to be ahead of the enemy, my body and mind give me a reprieve. I’m not sure if its her comforting presence, the weight of her hand in mine, or her general company but I relish the quiet. The ease of the feeling settling deeply into my bones.

My head turns as my gaze focuses on her, I let myself drink in every bit of her face. Eyes trace the swoop of her nose, the brush of her eyelashes against her cheek as she slowly blinks, the gentle curve of her lips, every hollow and dip causing my heart to swell. 

In that moment I realize I’ve let myself be swept into a tide of emotion that I never thought I would feel again. For the first time, my heart isn’t just full of ache, but the honeyed sweetness of love. 

As if sensing the turn in my thoughts, her gaze lifts to me, her face radiating the feelings I never wanted to name again. Gods. How had I not seen it before? 

For the last few months she’s spent so much time bandaging my wounds, braving the brunt of my surly moods, and intertwining herself in every facet of my life, all while pulling story after painful story from me and my family. A brief thought of her being torn from me causes my grip on her hand to tighten. 

Her brow cocks up in curiosity and whatever she sees behind my eyes has her hand rising to my face. Her palm rests gently on my cheek and I find myself leaning into the gesture.

“You don’t need to let yourself drift to worst case scenarios for everything, you know?” I huff as she reads me perfectly. Sometimes I have to remind myself I’m the one that is the inntinsic and not her. 

My forehead falls to hers as I pull her onto my lap, wanting her to be as close as possible. 

“How did I get so lucky?” I murmur into her ear; affection wrapped in every word. 

“I wouldn’t say it was luck that I was the one to help you with bloodied knuckles.” She muses, a playful grin sliding across her face. My eyes flare at her playfulness and a smirk of my own paints my lips before I let my fingers trill against her ribs. 

Her eyes flare at the gesture as she squirms against the onslaught of tickling. 

“No, no no! Stop. Stop!” She shrieks as she wiggles off my lap and onto the grass next to me. 

As she tries to gather her breath, I switch my position to be on top of her, her hips straddling my own. My head dips as I trace my nose against hers, the motion making my heart swell. Her eyes close at the gesture and she brings her hands around my neck, her nails trailing lightly at my nape. 

The minute her eyes open, they meet my gaze, and I take in every single line and speck of color that dances through them. The crinkles at the ends of her eyes let me know she’s smiling, and I just can’t help myself any longer.

“I love you.” The words come out in a whisper, though my heartrate begins to speed as the final word is past my lips. 

I watch her eyes widen, a flare of shock making the color dance. For a minute I’m frozen, worried that I’ve crossed a line that I’ll never be able to come back from. Then the shock morphs into a look I’ll never be able to erase from my mind.

“I love you, Xaden Riorson.” Her words are louder than mine. “I love you so very much.” It isn’t the first time she’s spoken them to me, but I will never in my life get tired of those three words falling from her lips. 

A smile that I’m not sure anyone but her has ever seen crosses my lips before I dip my head and capture her lips. The kiss is sweet, the taste of her dancing wildly on my tongue, emotion drifting through every sweep. I hold myself on my forearms, but soon enough I need her closer, rolling sideways and bringing her body to rest on top of mine. One of my hands finds her face and wraps gently around her cheek, the other glides tightly around her waist tugging her to me as firmly as possible. 

“Say it again.” She whispers breathlessly between kisses.

“I love you, Y/N.” I repeat, this time with added volume to my voice. “I’m in love with you. And Amari help me if anyone ever tries to take you away from me.”

Both hands find their way to her cheeks, tilting her head to look directly in my eyes. “I’m not an honest man, maybe not even a good one. But you are mine and I will fight with everything that I have to keep you by my side – for as long as you’ll have me.”

As consciousness begins to tug me forward, the pull of stiff muscles from falling asleep in a chair pulls me from the bliss of memory. I don’t have many nights of good memories to relive, but that one is by far my absolute favorite. My eyes flutter as I try to wipe the lingering smile from my face. But the minute my eyes focus on the bed in front of me, terror spikes through my chest as I see the empty bed. 

I jolt up, the chair scraping loudly on the stone floor as my strides quickly edge towards the door.

“Xaden.” The murmur of a voice has my head whipping towards the windows. I eat up the space between us in two strides, my hand grabbing gently for her elbow to turn her to face me.

“Are you feeling alright?” Concern floats through my vision as I let my gaze trail her up and down, my touch soft as to not cause any additional pain. The panic that she’s not fully healed pulling at me.  

“I’m…better. Not sure if I’ll ever be alright.” The admission makes my hands slide further around her and tighten. I will do everything in my power to ensure her safety, to keep her whole. 

A look of fierce determination settles in her eyes as she looks back at me sharply. I can’t help the way I tense hoping that she won’t pull away.

“What do you want Xaden? After living through the last few months, I need to know. What do you want?”

Her tone is all business, clearly done with any type of excuses or games, which is good because I’m done pretending being without her isn’t killing me. 

“I want everything you’ll give me.” The words spill as I cup her face. I want to force her hand, but in this situation, she has more than the upper hand after my actions. 

“I can’t fucking let you go. I refuse.” My voice picks up in fervor and I let the fire behind them dance with the severity in the claim. “What I said back in Cordyn, I meant every godsdamned word. I just need you to believe me. I need your love.”

My eyes never leave hers, but at her continued silence the anguish of losing her begins to shine through. “I need you to give me another chance. Just one. I promise I won’t disappoint you.”

Her eyes slide closed and I feel like I’m waiting on the executioner’s signal to bring the sword down onto my neck. I can feel the war inside her, the battle between her heart and head causing a frown to crease her beautiful mouth. While I stand there, with my arms still around her, I send another prayer to every single god and hope that she’ll give me another chance.

The words from her own adopted family fly through my mind and it’s the only thing keeping me grounded, letting me believe I might have a chance. “You hurt her deeply, but there’s no question in our mind that she loves you.” Ceridwen’s face is stern as she continues. “You both need to learn this lesson well, there will be fights, doubts, days that you can’t imagine being with each other. But through all the trials, if you can look back and realize every memory worth keeping is with each other – you fight. Fight for love, compassion, for the opportunity to come back to each other. Fight for the chance to give each other the world the next day, even if it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do.”

Her eyes finally open and I can swear she can hear my heart about to beat out of my chest. My body stiffens, ready for the blow, though my hands that linger on her face are soft. 

“Are you going to fight for this like you will for the continent?” Her question is quiet, subdued in the way I’ve never heard before and it breaks my heart all over again.

“I will fight with everything in my being, until my last dying breath. I will always fight for you harder than I would ever fight for the continent.” My words are a vow, a promise. There is no way to mince the meaning behind them, and I let my hand fall and tug her towards me by her waist. 

My breath is frozen in my lungs as I wait for her response. Dread and hope hanging in a precarious balance. Her hand comes up to meet mine that is still lingering on her face. I watch in dread as she brings it down, certain she is about to walk away, it takes every bit of control not to fall to my knees.

As if in slow motion, I watch her hand lower and as she brings it closer to her mouth, my blood begins roaring in my ears. Her lips slowly land on my palm, the smooth warmth brushing the coarse callouses, my breath hitches and then the dam breaks. I let my hand tunnel through her loose hair and pull her fully against me. 

It’s impossible for her not to hear the way my heart is beating at a gallop. The organ sings with elation and hope in equal measure. Moments pass and I let my hand move to the nape of her neck and angle her face to me. I watch as the moonlight catches in her eyes, pools of love I could drown myself in. 

“May I kiss you?” The words are a whisper because I’m afraid if I speak too loudly, I will break this mesmerizing spell. 

“Only if you promise it’s only the first in a lifetime’s worth.” The smile that creeps onto my face is as bright as the day we finally both exchanged ‘I love you’s’ as I tug her forward and kiss her like she is the oxygen I breathe.

The small noise of surprise she lets out makes my pounding heart soar again as I feel her smile stretch while I continue to kiss her with all the longing that I’ve been keeping pent up for months. She lets out a small laugh and I can’t help the way my own smile answers hers, passionate kisses turning languid. 

I kiss her slowly, savoring every single time my own mouth meets hers. My tongue gently glides against her bottom lip and the minute she opens; I’m remapping each single inch of her delicious mouth. Every ounce of worry and anguish begins to melt from my body as I feel her become pliant in my arms. I relish in the way she liquefies towards me, the fire that never banks for the woman in front of me coming back to a roar. I slowly back up, dragging her with me before the back of my calves hit the bed. I drop down to the mattress, not breaking the kiss for a moment and tighten my hold again, wanting her as close as possible.

She gasps as I press every inch of us together, the puzzle of our bodies slotting together as perfectly as ever. I pull away, loathe to have a second away from her kiss, but needing to see her face. I let my forehead rest on hers as we both catch our breath.  

“Gods, I missed you. Your taste, your lips, the way you fit in my arms.” I punctuate each word with a kiss, both needing to give and take the affection. 

“Missed me enough to put me first?” Her tone is serious, intent on making sure that she will hold enough attention to be my sole focus.

Desiring her to know that there is no one above her, I grasp her face again, my eyes firm as they take in every inch of her. “No one and nothing will ever come before you again. That is the easiest promise that I could ever make.”

My hand snakes around her waist and I pull her flush against me again and for the first time in months I delight in the way her body relaxes into my touch. As she eases into me, I guide her head into the crook of my neck and place a lingering kiss to her forehead. Burying my face in her hair, I take a full breath, trying to hold back the thankful emotions that threaten the tears to fall once more.

“You are the light to my shadow. The only home I’ll ever find rest in, and I’ll spend the rest of my life more than satisfied if I always have you.” I whisper the words into her hair, hoping they can settle both our hearts. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, whether or not we will both walk away from this war, but I do know that every single minute from this point on will be with her by my side. 

My own body begins to sag in relief, in joy, as it finally recognizes that I’m home. 

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[quietstormxr]

Broken

Part 1

Xaden POV - Companion to 'Home'

A/N: FW, IF, and OS Spoilers (They're small, but you've been warned.), grief, loss, panic attacks, violence

Word Count: >23k

Follows Xaden's POV prior to and through 'Home', prior to the reunion in Cordyn.

Forgotten - Tomorrow, Always Tomorrow - Home

For all those that were looking for different formats, here ya go!

Ao3 - Features the whole story, from beginning to current release.

Tumblr - More digestible chunks of this beast of a post.

As the winking stars begin to dim and the orange hues of dawn take to the sky, emptiness finally begins to fill me. Every single emotion pulled as far from me as they could be. Taking the largest breath I can, I let my lungs fill and wipe the residual tears from my face. 

This is war and I know this won’t be the last time I feel the anguish and fear of losing someone important to me. Those in Navarre will do anything they can to dull the spark of revolution. But I refuse to let that spark die, not today, not as long as I’m breathing.

The only emotion I know that will cover the emptiness is anger. 

Rage. 

Fury. 

I’ve picked up the pieces from nothing before, and I will do it again. I will never let them break me. I can’t. If nothing else can motivate me, the anger will. Anger at myself. The cadre of Basgiath. The venin. The insurmountable grief and responsibility given to me at such a young age. The many ways that people throughout my life have failed me.

But I won’t be able to beat them without a plan. I rise from the roof, shaking out the feeling of stagnation and walk back inside heading towards the assembly chamber.

I can only imagine the image I paint. Hair mussed from battle, dried blood and sweat encompassing every expanse of skin and leathers that clearly need to be cleaned. But none of that matters, I don’t care about the state of my appearance. The only concern is that this unexpected stop in Aretia becomes something worth the pain.

“Maybe you should take some time to bathe, brother.” The deep timbre of Garrick’s voice greets my ears as I push down the final stairs.

“He’s right, you know.” Bodhi chimes in from behind him. “You smell like rotting dragon shit.”

I snort in derision and roll my eyes. Leave it to my little cousin to be the one to joke after the hell that we’ve been through. 

“Please. Do shower.” Another voice rises from past the frame of the assembly door. “We can definitely wait until that happens before we begin.”

My boots stop as I glare at the entryway to the door. “The venin aren’t waiting on me to smell like daisies and neither is trying to find Y/N.”

“No.” Garrick interjects again. “But stopping for a minute and taking care of yourself is what is going to make the difference between starting a wild goose chase and approaching this with a plan.”

I stop to look at Bodhi and Garrick then, and it finally hits me. Though Bodhi is still smiling, there’s a tiredness behind his eyes, a sorrow that he doesn’t normally show weighing down his ordinarily easy smile, a sling holding one arm tight. On the other hand, Garrick stands tall and strong, but there’s a slight droop to his shoulders, the pride in his stance ever so slightly hunched, normally sharp eyes sunken slightly and an angry scar now marring his face.

The truth slaps me in the face. I’m not the only one that lost a brother. Not the only one looking for someone they love that’s now seemingly lost to us. Looking them both in the eyes, I give them a curt nod before heading back up the stairs to my room. 

Entering into my chamber, the air lands heavy like a weight, the shadows of the room stretch long and thick. Both a sense of calm at the familiarity and the ache of what I always hoped to be settle in my chest. So many times, I dreamed of waking in the bed in front of me, limbs tangled, hair mussed, and the laze of sleep still settled in the bones of my Blaze and I. 

Instead, I’m alone. 

I may be home at Riorson House, but my true home has vanished, torn from me, destroyed by my own hand. 

Shaking the haze of my thoughts, I close the door behind me and lock it, actions becoming mechanical. Shedding the layers of my weapons, flight leathers, and shoes feels robotic, nothing intentional in the movements.

It isn’t until the shock of cold-water washes over me that I take a deep breath at the sudden bite of the frigid temperature. The sting of the water causes me to breathe, but my mind turns destructive once again as I watch the blood that drenched my body washing down the drain. The crimson color acting like my aching heart slipping through my fingers. 

Thoughts begin filtering through my mind of Y/N bloodied, wounded, just barely clinging to life. The knife twisting in my chest at the thought of her alone and truly believing she wasn’t nearly as important as she is. 

‘Focusing on her demise will not pull you forward. These thoughts can only lie in your past if you expect to find her.’ Sgaeyl’s words break through the deepening chasm, and I shudder trying to discard all the terrible thoughts in my mind. 

‘But what if they’re true. What if I left her to die?’ A wave of comfort washes through our bond, but there’s no sugar coating Sgaeyl’s push.

‘Do you not think her own dragon would know of her rider’s death? I know you always need control but sometimes giving it up is the only way forward.’ Her words land like a punch to the gut. If there is one thing I haven’t excelled at since the Apostasy it’s giving up control in any form. 

Those parting thoughts from Sgaeyl are the thing that makes me finally step out of the shower. Walking to the mirror, I look back and it’s as if I’m staring at a stranger. My eyes seem hollow, the spark of a contained storm that usually dances in them muted, the gold tones turned sallow. Instead of a commanding presence borne of an air of danger, I feel like a husk, all the allure of menace pulled from the marrow of my bones.

No matter the void I feel, Sgaeyl is correct, and I must let go of some of my control. Especially when it comes to finding the woman I love. I need help. I will never be able to find her alone. Even with Garrick and Bodhi, we will need to utilize every resource we have to try and find where she has gone. 

Walking out of my room once again, the hollow resolve of moving forward settles. I must push on, not only for Blaze, but for all of the people that depend on me. For all the responsibility I shoulder. 

Crossing the doors of the Assembly room, I don’t deign to look at the ones gathered, instead I place my typical mask on and hold my head high. Illusion of control holding my every sense together as I push forward to the dais in the room and place my arm upon the throne of Tyrrendor. Taking a deep breath, I turn and face everyone, eyes roaming the faces and emotions around me.

“Violet’s awake.” Brennan announces as he paces into the chamber.

I raise an eyebrow at the news, asking the question of how she took the news of her brother’s condition without words. Brennan scoffs at me before he goes and takes his seat at the table. A small knowing smirk lilts on my lips, if I thought she was insufferable about finding out about the gryphons, I can only imagine what Brennan had to deal with.

“I think you are more than aware that we can’t send you all back to Basgiath. At this point, the girl is a liability. She’s a first year, gave up vital information, and what’s to stop her from going straight to her mother.” I roll my eyes as Ulices come slicing in with his barrage of typical hotheadedness.

There’s no missing the way that Kylynn shakes her head in agreement. Experienced riders they may be, but their brashness in trusting anyone outside of the rebellion’s small circle is questionable at best.

“That may be true; however, we can’t just leave him sidelined here. You can’t tell me that Navarre would believe that he didn’t make it, but the rest of them did.” Trissa interrupts as she points towards me. The rumbles in agreement are louder than they should be, the knife of grief twisting thinking of those I couldn’t save. I would’ve willingly died to have Liam still standing. To protect Soleil. Death isn’t something I’ve come to fear, not after watching my father burn in front of my eyes. It’s an inevitability that I’d come to delay once I’d met Y/N. My desire to live and burn with her stronger than my nonchalance of life.

“We can’t keep any of them here. Their signets are too important, and Navarre won’t accept that they went down that easily, not if any of the rest of them return.” Brennan reasons as he points towards the open door where Bodhi, Imogen, and now Violet stand. 

“They shouldn’t be listening into an Assembly meeting.” Suri scoffs in disgust, her sneer directed towards Violet. 

“Whether or not they heard the words from your mouths or not is irrelevant. I would’ve shared what was discussed with them anyway.” I spit derisively towards Suri, patience riding a fine line. “Besides, as you all dictated, I took responsibility for Violet. I can show you the new scar on my back if you’re unsure if I was serious.”

My eyes sharpened, the accusation sitting heavy in the air as they all look back at me. “Otherwise, feel free to go into the valley and ask Tairn if he believes his rider will hold up her end of the bargain and aid our cause.” I let the threat sit, knowing none of them would dare approach the grisly black morningstar tail. 

“While that decision may be questionable from our angle.” Felix begins, the voice of reason always trying to diffuse the timebomb of the Assembly. “The rapport that she has built between the group and the fact that his life is tied to hers makes this entire discussion moot. They all need to return and keep their heads down.”

His words finally seem to reverberate through the room with clarity that didn’t seem to be there before. Everyone agrees to the fact that there is no way to escape Navarre and their punishment for those whose parents participated in the Apostasy. 

“Either way, we need to keep our heads low until we can come up with a new plan.” Brennan says, his tone dismissive, even with the grumbles that can be heard throughout the room. Person by person, everyone files out, until it’s only Brennan, Violet, Bodhi, Imogen, and me.

“Glad to see you’re feeling better Violet.” My tone isn’t cold, but there’s a definitive lack in warmth. It isn’t that I’m not glad that she was able to recover, but I’m still trying to move past the events of the last four days.

“Thanks.” I can’t help but lift my eyebrow when a flush begins to creep up her neck. “So, my not-so-dead brother tells me this is Riorson House. How is this still standing?”

Her eyes are filled with curiosity, a clear interest in roaming over the entirety of the fortress around her, trying to take in and process everything that has been revealed.

“Stone.” I state matter-of-factly. “Stone doesn’t burn, so we were able to keep the central operations of the rebellion here.”

We watch as she runs her hand down the length of the long table that is in front of us. Looking back and forth between her and Brennan, I decide it’s time to let them have a conversation of their own without our intrusion. Besides, I want to find Garrick so we can make a plan to look for Y/N. 

My mind may be occupied with the business of the Assembly while I’m here during waking hours, but I know the minute I close my eyes, she’s the only thing my mind will focus on. 

“We’re going down to the valley. Meet us down there once you’re done talking to your brother.” Taking on an authoritative tone brooking no argument from the small silver-haired girl in front of me. “He can fill you in on some of the information on the rebellion and the venin.”

Without waiting on her response, I turn and head towards the valley. Leaving the sanctum of Riorson House, my eyes try to take in the city around me, to see where we are in rebuilding, but the only thing that registers in my mind is the need to get to the dragons and come up with a plan with Garrick.

Getting closer to the valley, my brows knit in confusion as I see Sgaeyl’s form hovering over that of another dragon. Upon closer inspection, my brows shoot up when I see the color of the scales. 

‘Is that Andarna?’ I question Sgaeyl as we come closer. 

Her head swings to me and I watch as her gaze looks over those that are coming up behind me. 

‘Yes. She needs to get back to the Vale as quickly as possible. She needs to complete the dreamless sleep with as little interruption as possible.’ Sgaeyl’s stern voice carries the weight of every additional issue we are going to be facing.

Taking a deep breath, my focus is turned as I hear heavy footfalls coming up next to me. 

“I’ve been back to Resson - twice.” Garrick confirms as both our gazes land on the adolescent dragon in front of us. “I spoke with the fliers and survivors and…”

His pause causes my gaze to swing, my heart beginning to gallop with the hope that he found out something. “Nothing.”

With one word, my heart cracks open in my chest, the organ bleeding into a mess of a million pieces. The only thing stopping me from drowning in my own misery, is the anger and frustration weaving through every nerve in my body.

“How?” The word comes out both breathless and furious. “How the fuck did no one see anything? She didn’t just disappear into thin air!”

The words erupt from me, anger and shadows tearing from me unwillingly. I try to rein in my breath, my fear, my feelings, but the way she disappeared is haunting me. Her ability to just slip through our fingers unnoticed a haunting reminder of the disconnect between all of us. 

“I know, Xaden, and I let my frustration known to those there. But none of our usual flier contacts were present, only Syrena and her sister made it out alive, and to the civilians everything was a blur.” Garrick tries to reason as I tear my hands through my still damp hair, pacing away.

I hear his reasoning and in my own rational mind, I know he’s right but the tumult of emotions from the past few days have left me agitated. Thinking of returning to Basgiath without my Blaze slices me open, yet I know we have no choice. I can’t let Soleil and Liam’s deaths be in vain. I will not let the cadre win at their twisted game. 

‘Tairn’s rider approaches.’ I snort at Sgaeyl. 

It never escaped my notice the quiet derision she holds for Violet. I’m unsure if she only finds her lacking as a rider for her mate or just a general distaste, but I won’t ask. The marked difference in the way she refers to Blaze as the ‘Devoted One’ and Violet as ‘Tairn’s rider’ only shows the chasm of difference in respect from my ruthless blue daggertail. 

I stand back as Violet and Brennan crest the hill, Violet’s face going slack once finally landing on Andarna’s larger form. The rest of us stay back as she has a conversation with Tairn and Andarna. Everyone knows better than to get between a rider and their dragon. 

‘Even worse when the dragon happens to be an adolescent.’ Sgaeyl’s voice slides through my mind and I can’t help the small snort that leaves me. 

We all watch as Andarna begins to unfurl to her true height, shadows lash out as I realize she’s about to topple and they dissipate as soon as she is standing. Soon enough, Violet is whipping around, conviction clear on her face.

“We have to go back.” Her voice is firm, convinced she is going to make the decision. 

I don’t speak, as I let the arguments around me fester. I’m more than aware we will be going back to Basgiath, but its something that everyone else needs to arrive at on their own. Once everyone seems to agree, Violet turns to face me, the look she gives seems like she’s expecting me to argue against her. The defiant tilt to her head making me either want to roll my eyes or smirk.

“We will need to be back in 48 hours in order for everything to work.” My voice is firm, assurity at what we are about to do settling. The risk of going this route are high, but there’s truly no other option. 

‘They will not touch you or the lives who depend on you. This will work.’ Sgaeyl’s confirmation steels my resolve.

“The harness needs some modifications, but we should be able to leave in a few hours.” Bodhi confirms as he moves towards the blacksmith. 

I nod and turn to make my own plans for the search for my Blaze from Aretia. Walking through the halls of Riorson House, I find the one person with a level head on the Assembly.

“Felix, I need to discuss something that isn’t Assembly related.” The tone of my voice must be persuasive, because he follows me back into the Assembly chamber with no other details.

“I’m in need of your skills in order to find another rider.” Felix’s bushy grey eyebrow quirks up in intrigue. “When we went into battle in Resson we had eleven riders.”

I let myself take a breath as a wave of grief tightens my throat. “As you know Liam and Soliel weren’t fortunate enough to make it through, but there was someone else that has seemed to slip away.”

The constriction of my throat has continued to get worse, and I try desperately to clear it before continuing. “I lost the woman I love.” The words tumble out, each one like sandpaper against my own throat. 

I can feel the tears that begin to pool behind my eyes, and I look up to the wooden beams of the chambers ceiling to try and bring myself back together.

“We were locked in battle, and sometime during the melee, she vanished.” I choke out the words. “Her dragon is with us, and Sgaeyl has all but confirmed that she’s still alive, but we have no idea where she is.”

Felix’s eyebrows continue to pull in as he takes in my words. After several minutes of silence, I close my eyes and take a shuddering breath. My mind pulling me into my own dark thoughts, before Felix shifts in his seat, breaking me from my trance. 

“I’ll speak with Nuirlach and see if we can do some scouting.” Felix replies, his voice gruff but understanding. “Though you must stay focused. I’ll do what I can, but you’ll need to remain composed and in control.”

I nod in understanding as I watch him rise and move towards the doors. But before he leaves the chamber, he turns. “You need to continue to hold out hope, but you also need to hold your feelings close to your heart. If the cadre learn that you have a weakness like love, they will hunt her too.”

A tingle runs down my spine at Felix’s warning. With my second signet, I’m constantly cognizant of the need to hide my secrets, to guard the most vulnerable parts of myself, I know better than anyone that I can’t let my shields slip. 

Sinking into the throne on the dais, I let my head fall into my hands. The reality of everything from the past few days crashing around me. Trying to breathe through it seems almost impossible, but there is no way to avoid the need to move forward. 

I’ll be no help wallowing, but I let myself have this. Let myself have the few minutes of reprieve, to grieve the brother and friend that I lost, and to hold onto the slice of hope that I will find the woman I love. 

_____________________

Standing on the dais and facing off with Colonel Aetos I let the wrath build, but don’t let any emotion leak from my eyes. I refuse to let this small man take away the meaning of the death and loss we’ve suffered at the hands of too many in the cadre of Navarre. 

“Get back to formation.” Aetos Sr. snarls as he tries and fails to stand taller than my large frame. 

“Happily, sir.” I let myself take one breath before I stalk away and back up to Garrick, Violet falling in line behind me. 

“Everyone back into formation.” My words are curt, a command instantly heeded by the squad still standing tall against the narrowed gazes of command. 

There’s no way to disregard the whispers and glances that are directed our way from every cadet. I tighten my shields even further and close my mind to the thoughts that mill around me. There is every chance that one wrong comment or thought will melt every single ounce of hold I have on my emotions. 

As I take my place at the front of Fourth Wing’s formation, I brace for the inevitability of what’s to come. Though there is no way to truly stop myself from the crash of emotions, a constant wave of agony. 

Finally, Captain Fitzgibbons takes his place back in front of the entirety of formation and begins to read the names that will get nothing more than this brief footnote. The instant he opens his mouth, my entire body tenses waiting for the few words that will wreck me. 

“Soleil Telery. Liam Mairi.” The breath between the names feels like oblivion, every single nerve ending is taught, my body bracing for impact, emotion roiling in a way that I can barely contain. 

“Y/N L/N.” My lungs cease, my entire body rigid, except my heart. At the thought of her death being a possibility, I can feel each piece of my heart shattering beyond repair. I can feel each rip, each cut, as my heart threatens to fragment with my body not far behind.

‘She is alive, Xaden.’ Sgaeyl’s words are firm, tearing through the blinding pain that has gripped me. 

It feels as if absolutely everything is crumbling, but I force myself to take a small breath. I will prove nothing if I break here and I will damn her, instead of saving her like I want. 

After her name my focus is gone, my mind a swirling mess of barely contained emotion, but my face is a mask of boredom. I won’t let those who seek only to annihilate me the satisfaction of falling at their feet, even though it’s what my body truly wants to do. 

“We checked her room and only found a few standard issue weapons and uniforms.” Garrick informs me as we walk towards the rotunda and our fate. “It seems like she knew what she was going to do, even before we left.” 

I feel my pulse spike at the knowledge. I want to punch the wall, to send shadows to choke every single thing that has come between us, but I just close my eyes and try to push a breath through my lungs as we wait for everyone to gather. 

The memory of only an hour earlier hits like one of Violet’s lightning bolts through my heart as I try to keep myself contained. Try to keep all the questions, emotions, and swarming anger at bay.

“Garrick Tavis.” The name finally draws me back to the present. The names of the graduating Section Leaders being called to receive their orders. As I turn, I realize that they are handwriting Garrick’s directives, and I know that whatever lies ahead is going to be just another test in my resolve to continue this farce that I’ve had to play for the Navarrian government. 

“Lamani Zohar.” I tune back in as I await my name.

“Xaden Riorson.” I turn, my movements sharp and my boots clicking the stone with a finality. 

I should be basking in the fact that I survived this test. Survived three damn years of torture, fighting for my life, for the lives of those I care about, and for the ability of the marked ones to stand a chance through bigotry and hate. But my stomach is still leaden as I wait for them to finish handwriting my own orders.

“You must report to your duty station within 72 hours.” The captain handing the missives confirms. I nod in acknowledgment and take confident strides towards the barracks.

As I pass through the rotunda, Garrick steps into stride with me. “That went infinitely better than I was expecting.”

I can’t help the scoff that leaves my lips. “You didn’t really think they would uncover centuries worth of lies just for one marked squad, did you?”

A mirthless chuckle leaves his lips. “Of course not, that would definitely not be conducive to keeping the populace in line.”

A silence stretches over us as we climb the stairs of the dormitories. 

“Plan on leaving tonight, correct?” Garrick asks as we walk down the third-year leadership floor. 

“Of course.” I say without breaking my strides. “I have 71 hours to spend looking for Y/N and I intend on utilizing every, single one.”

“So, I assume you aren’t going to stop at the party before leaving.” The glare I give him is icy and his hands lift as if in surrender.

“After I receive the missive regarding Tairn and Sgaeyl, I am leaving immediately.” I turn back before walking across the threshold of my last residence at Basgiath and Garrick gives me a quick nod before passing through his own door.

Turning about my room, I do my best to busy myself. I promptly drag the boxes I had brought up days ago for my extra weapons and a few books that will be shipped. Placing each item methodically into the boxes, I try to push away any lingering reactions, focusing solely on packing as quickly as possible.

As I make a final sweep of the room, I see a small piece of parchment peaking out from underneath the desk. As the familiar script comes into view, my breathing comes to a quick halt.

‘Xaden- I know this day is hard, but I hope that a little slice of cake will bring you a little comfort and happiness, even if you don’t need me to. – Blaze’

I take a deep breath as a water spot hits the edge of the parchment. Gods, what I wouldn’t do to feel her arms wrapped around me. To melt into the safety of her and bury my head in the crook of her neck. But instead, I’m without her. Without my brother, my friend. One day and everything in my life imploded as if it was just a dandelion blowing in the wind. 

I fold the note with unnecessary force and stick it in the breast pocket of my coat. The words may taunt me now, the fact that my actions brought my own pain to fruition, but I won’t let go of the sentiment and care laced in her every word. 

“We lost Soliel Telery, Liam Mairi, and Y/N L/N.” I repeat as I’ve practiced in my head, but it takes everything for my voice not to crack. “And Sorrengail wouldn’t know where the bodies are as she was delirious with poison.”

The words pour from me, the only thing I can do is repeat ‘its not true, it’s not real, she’s fine’ in my head over and over so I don’t do something I’ll regret. 

Closing the door, an odd sense of finality washes over me as the memory of earlier fades. Not one borne of fear, but a sense of determination begins to settle into my bones. Marching down the stairs of the dormitories, I’m suddenly reminded that as much as I’m leaving Basgiath behind, I’ll be dragged back repeatedly for the next two years. 

The sense of freedom from the confines of the citadel ropes wash away and instead seem to tighten around my ankles, the feeling solidifying as I watch a small girl with silver-tipped hair gliding towards me, a spark of mischief in her eyes.

“Leaving so soon, Lieutenant?” Violet’s words hold a heady sense of bravado and sultry challenge, but the note that is pressed against my heart makes my façade impenetrable. 

“Yes, I have someone to find before heading to Samara.” At the news her face falls, a sense of dismay clouding her vision.

“You’re headed to the front? That’s what you chose?” I let out a light huff as she vocalizes her dismay but chooses to discount my other words.

“Didn’t have much choice seeing as we arrived after every other third year was assigned.” The words roll off my tongue, no surprise hidden in them. There’s no upset in the cadre at sending Garrick and I to one of the most brutal outposts we have, I would dare to say it was planned anyway.

Bootsteps begin to fall down the hall and my gaze narrows on the two uniformed figures heading our way.

“Lieutenant Riorson. Violet. Just the two we were hoping to see.” My eyes roam over the two figures. Aetos Sr. holding a glint in his eye that makes me want to desperately punch the smugness off his face. But it’s the one standing next to him that has my shadows sharpening and twisting just a bit more violently around my boots. 

“Thought you’d be interested in these missives before your flight to the front. Wouldn’t want to leave you unprepared for when you’ll inevitably be returning to Basgiath.” The words are nondescript but the threat hiding underneath them is evident. 

“I would say I’ll see you soon enough, but from what I’ve heard, General Sorrengail has re-evaluated her choice in aids.” An angry huff leaves his mouth, the indignance painting the lines in his face.

“Yes, well, that may be, but I’m not the one that’s keeping secrets, am I?” Aetos’ words seem sure, but the sneer on my lips leaves him questioning as usual.

“Aren’t you though?” My accusation hits exactly where I was hoping to aim, and I watch his eyes darken in response. 

“I’d watch your back Lieutenant, it seems that the more secrets one has, the less likely they are to return to their loved ones.” I don’t miss the oily way the bastard looks between Violet and I, as I analyze the rank on his collar.

“And Violet, I thought you’d like to be introduced to your new Vice Commandant, Major Varrish. He’s here to keep you all in line the coming year.” The peak of curiosity that sparks in Varrish’s eyes causes my shadows to respond, darkness trailing up Violet’s legs in a protective wave. 

“I’m sure I will be seeing lots of you over the coming months, Cadet Sorrengail. Though hopefully the company you keep will improve.” The barbed comment is directed to hit, but it misses its intended target.

As they both retreat, we simultaneously crack the seals to the missives. The minute my eyes hit the paper, I can hear Sgaeyl’s roar in my head. Every seven days is considerably less than their normal stint and I have no doubt we are going to be in for a little extra misery.

“Tairn isn’t happy about the new arrangement.” Violet muses as she begins walking with me towards the flight field.

“Neither is Sgaeyl. And it doesn’t seem as if the new Vice Commandant is going to make this year particularly easy for you.” We both stop in the rotunda facing each other. 

The spark of mischief in Violet’s eyes is still there, but it’s muted from the encounter we both just experienced. 

“Work on your shields, Violet. Keep out of the business of the other Marked Ones and keep on your guard.” I instruct, turning back to the commanding tone of a wingleader.

“The Wingleader voice doesn’t work on me anymore. Besides, shouldn’t we be past the whole kill her because she’s a Sorrengail?” Her voice rises with a hint of indignance. 

“You may think that, but not all the Marked Ones give a damn about my life, especially since I sentenced them to this fate. You should be just as on guard as you were last year, if not more so with the new Vice Commandant who just showcased his disdain.” Violet only rolls her eyes at me before taking a step forward, closing into the distance between us.

“Well, aren’t you going to give me a proper goodbye?” I can’t stop the incredulous look that crawls across my face. 

“Proper goodbye?” My brows continue to furrow as she steps even closer. “I’m not sure what you think has changed between us in the last six days Sorrengail, but this is about as proper of a goodbye as you’re going to get.”

As I finish my statement, I take two full steps away and watch as the playful glint in her eyes dies. I thought I’d been consistent enough with her to keep her from forming any such attachment, but it’s becoming more and more apparent that at some point this will most likely come to a head. How many times do I need to make my feelings clear before she finally relents her pursuit?

‘For Tairn’s rider, it may take until you make the Devoted One yours in your human mating ritual.’ Sgaeyl supplies, ever the unhelpful one. 

My lips thin at the comment and my attention focuses back on Violet.

“I will see you again in seven days, Violet. Keep your shields up and yourself out of trouble.” At the close of my statement, I sling my pack on my back and stride forward towards Sgaeyl. I refuse to turn my head back, I will not look behind me, I cannot dwell on the happiness I found in that hellhole when the entire reason for my smile is somewhere in the distance.

Stars twinkle above me as Sgaeyl sets a hard pace back towards the battlefield of Resson. I know Garrick already checked there, but I refuse to relinquish any hope until I interrogate the people there myself.

_____________

Almost seventy-two grueling hours later and a countless number of times I’ve raked my hands through my hair and nothing has been gained. It’s like her ghost is mocking me, the entirety of her current existence erased from the continent – at least that’s what it seems. She’s faded into oblivion with greater skill than my shadows in a dimly lit hallway.

As Garrick and I enter the gates of Samara, I blink against the brightness of the morning light. The tension in my shoulders has left me aching, the constant battle of holding everything together over the last few days giving me no relief. 

“Just another damn test in the road to death, right brother?” Garrick says as he claps his hand firmly on my shoulder.

I grunt in reply, my ability to form words halting after the tumult of days searching for any scrap of information, lying in the faces of the cadre and navigating the ever-changing relationship with Sorrengail. 

Reporting to Lieutenant Colonel Degrensi leaves us both with our assigned rooms. If there is one thing I can be thankful for with the last name that I have, it is that no one wants to sleep in the same room as the Great Betrayer’s son. I almost scoffed at my delegation to a private room, until I realized it will do nothing but be a boon to everything we are already trying to accomplish. 

Garrick, on the other hand, gave me a look of such jealousy, I couldn’t help the smirk that crawled across my face. The constant taunts we trade a small slice of normalcy that I’ve been craving desperately. It’s with that same smirk that I sit down in the mess hall with him, tray in hand. 

“How are you enjoying your private quarters, Your Grace?” Garrick’s drawl rises to my ears as I sit down.

“Enjoying it immensely, especially since that includes a private bathing chamber.” Garrick’s scoff greets my ears and has me grinning, all teeth.

“Too bad you won’t be dragging anyone back there to enjoy the privacy.” I know that Garrick didn’t think before the words came out of his mouth, but that doesn’t stop my face from falling, betrayal and sadness crossing my eyes in equal measure. 

“Damn, Xaden. I’m sorry.” The sincerity in his voice is welcome, but I can only give him a sad quirk of my lips in return. 

“I wouldn’t have been able to use it anyway.” I say reservedly. “She wouldn’t have been assigned to this outpost.”

I let the words settle between us as we eat. Everything since that day has felt like ash on my tongue, the sustenance taken just so I can continue my search. The weight hanging as a noose tightening ever so slightly the longer we go without any information. 

As if the words sparked something in Garrick’s brain, he looks back at me, thoughtfulness clouding his eyes. “What are you going to do with Sorrengail?”

My eyes narrow. “What do you mean what am I going to do with her?” The question makes my hackles rise, as if I’m going to get myself even more entangled with the General’s daughter than I already am. 

“I don’t mean like that.” Garrick deadpans, a look of annoyance flashing. “I meant what information are you going to give her? You know, as well as I do, that she isn’t going to just sit back idly now that she has a taste of the information.”

I give a tired sigh. This isn’t the first time the thought has crossed my own mind, I know better than to think that Violet will go back to the way things were last year and only focus on keeping herself alive. It’s just another weighted issue that tugs at my mind waiting to be solved.

“Honestly, I don’t know.” I say flatly because there’s no reason to sugar coat it, not with Garrick. “I’d love for her to just focus on keeping herself alive. She’s got RSC this year, plus now the looming issue of Varrish and whatever he’s going to bring, along with Aetos’ threats, so it isn’t like she needs any more information until her shields are impeccable.”

“She already has more than enough information to have all of our heads on the chopping block multiple times over.” Garrick’s answering nod shows me that I’m not the only one leaning on not giving her any other information than what she’s already seen. 

“I’ll trust your judgment with Sorrengail.” Garrick concedes. “But more importantly, what is your plan on how we find out where Y/N is?”

Hearing her name brings a fresh flash of pain to my chest. I rub at the ache, trying to will away some of the sting. 

“I’ve written a letter to Syrena. I’m meeting with Aisereigh tomorrow and he’ll deliver it directly. Otherwise, I’ll need your help.” The look I give Garrick can’t be considered anything but pleading, the only thing that I haven’t done is get on my knees and beg. If there’s any hope of being able to accomplish what I want, I need help from him and his signet, on top of whatever scouting Felix is able to do.

“I want to start at all of the border villages near Resson and see if there’s anyone that has seen her.” I speak, hoping that Garrick understands what I’m asking him to do. 

“How do you expect to find her when these people won’t even know who we’re talking about. Describing her is only going to get us so far.” The thing I’m leaving out is how I thoroughly intend on utilizing my second signet to march through the minds of everyone we encounter. My only hope is that my description can catch something in their minds. 

“I think we shouldn’t have too much trouble since she was wearing black riding leathers. That should draw enough attention to get people to remember. Besides, she’s probably one of the most beautiful women around, I have a hard time believing that anyone would forget her face.” Garrick hums back in acknowledgment. 

“On top of all that, I have Felix working with the riders in the service of the rebellion checking with their contacts that are plotted throughout Poromiel. Without her dragon though, she may be able to meld into one of the villages seamlessly.” The thought of her melting into the shadows of a small town in Poromiel has me the most concerned. It has been months since we’ve talked at length, especially about the war effort. After everything she saw in the last week and all the ways I’ve failed her, it wouldn’t surprise me if she could evade me by just moving on to a traditional civilian life. The thought brings an unease I don’t know how to stomach. What if she finds someone to take her in and treat her like I should have been the entire year? What if she finds a man better than me?

‘Stop spiraling. She won’t give up fighting for the forgotten just because she was.’ Sgaeyl’s words cut through me, her frankness both a balm and blade.

“After tomorrow’s drop, lets plan on what cities we will visit first so we can begin to tick off options. I want to make sure we hit as many places as possible, maybe if we get the townsfolk to start talking, she’ll hear that we’re looking for her.” I can only hope the rumor mill of small towns will eventually grace her ears and get her back to me as soon as possible.

“Riorson.” A sharp female voice greets my ears, and I turn to see Cornelia Sahalie striding towards me. 

“You’ll be on duty next weekend.” She reveals and I curse under my breath. It doesn’t escape me that they aren’t going to make this easy. “To welcome you properly to Samara, thought I’d acquaint you with some of Degrensi’s rules around here. There’s a pass for new Lieutenant’s for the weekend and you can challenge whoever currently holds it.”

As I look back at her, I try to find any ounce of malice, but unusually, she seems completely sincere. “If you’re interested, Jarrett currently has it. Consider this some help with settling into Samara.”

Without any additional niceties, she walks away without further fanfare. Looking back at Garrick I roll my eyes. As if having to earn my place by taking responsibility for 107 children, then prove my worth by rising to Wingleader at Basgiath, just to start all over again in Samara is exhausting. 

“Looks like it’s back to the rookie card.” Garrick muses as his eyes trail to the place Sahalie was just standing. I huff a sardonic scoff and shake my head, the constant need to prove myself a tiring endeavor. 

“I suppose it’s always better than dead.” Conversation dies as we both tuck into our meal and let our new reality settle around us.

__________

Weeks later, I find myself climbing the stairs to the second-year floor at Basgiath. The constant back and forth between duty stations wearing on my already thin patience as weeks have ticked by without any single scrap of information. Scouting from Felix and pushing for information from the border towns of Poromiel proving fruitless.

Though now I’m here to deal with the other thorn in my side.

Bodhi had informed me of the latest attempt on Violet’s life, and I have a few choice words for her lack of transparency. I knock on the familiar door and am not surprised to see her in a typical scribe’s pose with books strewn about the floor.

“Xaden –“ She says, surprise coloring her tone. 

“Violet.” I give her an exacerbated look, that I hope conveys my very real annoyance at her inability to disclose another threat on her life. 

“I – I didn’t expect to see you.” She hurriedly gets up from the floor, the sudden fluster of her entire demeanor causing my eyes to narrow in challenge. 

“Whether or not you intended me to see you, Sorrengail, I expect you to inform me when an attempt is made on your life.” My words come out clipped and clearly restrained. If I die due to this damn bond before I can find Blaze, I’ll tear Malek’s realm to the ground. 

“There’s nothing you can do.” Violet replies in a tone so nonchalant; it makes my blood boil. 

“I may not be able to do anything, but it doesn’t change the fact that my damn existence is tied to yours. So yes, I believe that I should be made aware of each and every time you are in a life-threatening situations.” I impart enough force into my voice that I hope it finally clicks that no matter what we need to communicate the basics with each other.

“Careful shadow wielder, it sounds an awful lot like you care about what happens to me.” Violet’s voice dips in its tone and I know this is the precarious line she loves to teeter on. 

“Unfortunately for me, between our dragons and your mother, I’ve had no choice but to care about your well-being. To the detriment of my entire life.” The words are muttered, a silent curse that leaves my lips. 

“Come on Xaden.” Violet complains, her hand running down my marked arm, a bravado she doesn’t normally show running down our godsforsaken bond. Her eyes trailing across my skin that still glistens with sweat from my sparring session with Bodhi. “She left. She chose herself and walked away from you, from her dragon. Don’t you think it’s time to move on.”

I can’t help it, my vision turns red, fury that I’ve never known directed at the entire reason my Blaze thought she wasn’t good enough to stand by me, to be by my side, taunting me at her absence. 

“Don’t talk about things you don’t understand Sorrengail.” My words are calm, lethal, but instead of dropping the subject, Violet takes it as a reason to push farther.

“I understand perfectly. I was around more often than she’s been in the last year. I know that you’re hurting and it’s all because of her, because she couldn’t take what it meant to be around you – in your orbit.” Violet’s words are silky, a push to grasp something that was never hers and won’t ever be.

“She left and is making everyone pick up your pieces, while you tear your hair out and lose sleep looking for her. That isn’t fair to you.” The comment cracks a fissure in my mind I thought I closed years ago. The vision of Y/N as my mother, leaving me behind, tearing through the shreds of closure I thought were secure. 

‘Do not let Tairn’s rider speak to the actions of others, especially if she was part of the cause.’ Sgaeyl’s voice cracks through my mind like a whip, the force of it making me blink.

My eyes narrow, the fury from before melting to indignance. How dare someone who knows nothing about me push me into a chasm I’d pulled myself from by the fragile claws of my existence. One that the girl she is bashing moved mountains to prove that it was never me, never because I wasn’t good enough. 

I can’t take it anymore; I turn abruptly and march out of Violet’s door. The civil relationship and communication I thought we’d finally developed fracturing again. This time not from the things I chose to keep from her, but because of her incessant need to dig into something that doesn’t involve her. 

Before getting too far down the hall, I turn back and see Violet’s expectant face in the doorway. The look she gives is one that makes it seem she is expecting me to turn around, to run to her as my sanctuary, but my parting words are anything but sweet. 

“Never mistake, Sorrengail, that your entire family has taken more from me than just my father.” I begin stalking back towards her as I let the menace of my words gather. “Your mother may have murdered my father and scarred me, but the need to complete your mother’s favor and save my own life and those I’m responsible for has driven the one damn light in my life away. Because between the favor I owed your mother to save children from the same fate of their parents and the bond of our dragons, I didn’t get a choice. But, from this point on, I will never choose you over her, even if it ends in my death.”

I don’t wait for a response or even an emotion, I turn on my heels and exit the second-year floor. No longer will I try to cultivate any type of relationship with a woman who is hell bent on destroying the one I hold most dear.

‘You should have considered that before you lost the Loyal One.’ The feminine voice of Dhioch slides through my mind. She has become the living embodiment of all the ways I have failed, though it’s the hope that my love is still alive that makes me thankful for the brown dragon’s verbal assaults. I doubt she would be deigning to speak with me if her rider wasn’t still with us. 

‘She made sure to let the Empyrean know about her issues with their rules.’ Sgaeyl’s voice comes back through my mind, the familiar cadence calming my nerves, though my brows furrow at her words.

‘Dhioch set half of the Threshing field on fire after they said she wouldn’t be allowed to reinforce the bond with the Devoted One.’ My brows rise at the information. 

This is the first time Sgaeyl has even hinted at information discussed within the Empyrean, let alone described the fallout. I’m almost surprised that Dhioch hasn’t faced any punishments for daring to defy the Empyrean. 

‘I do not do this lightly Xaden.’ Sgaeyl’s tone comes out in slight admonishment. ‘Dhioch and I firmly believe that the Devoted One will have a large part to play in this coming war. We cannot let a bond like theirs fail. If we do, there is no hope.’

I stop walking as Sgaeyl’s words slice through my mind, every gear working to try and figure out what exactly she means. But as I try to focus on her words, another thought sparks in my mind. 

The books. 

The ones strew about Violet’s room, the titles that she worked so hard to cover up begin to come up clearly in my mind. 

“Shit.” The word passes in an unbidden hiss when it hits me what the constant thorn in my side is thinking. Since I won’t let her get involved in the weapons drops, she had decided to get involved the only way she knows how. 

“Why can’t anything with her ever be easy?” I mutter under my breath while stomping back towards her room. A frustrated growl rumbles from me as I march back to her door. My anger has done nothing but gather as I knock on her door again.

She cracks open the door and a suggestive smile crosses her face. “Changed your mind?” The words ring and I don’t bother with niceties, I swing the door wide and march in and close the door firmly behind me. 

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” My words are clipped and tone sharper than before. 

“I – I’m sorry.” She stammers as she brings her hand up in indignation. “I don’t know what you’re talking about Xaden.”

I give her a deadpanned look and pick up one of the tomes that had caught my eye. The Journey of the First Six, a Secondhand Account.

“Explain. Now.” My words brook no room for argument from the small and entirely too infuriating for her own good girl in front of me. 

“You said I couldn’t get involved with the Marked Ones and what Bodhi was doing. So –“ She stops, biting her lip like a child who is about to be scolded for their life choices.

“So…” I gesture for her to continue, my patience beginning to fray at the edges.

“So, I’ve been researching to see if there is any information on the wards in the Archives.” I can’t help myself. Fury explodes behind my eyes and both of my hands fly up to my head in an effort to keep from shaking the girl in front of me.

“You decided that since you can’t go on weapons drops or to the forge that you needed to go into the brains of the operation and try and solve a puzzle? Gods Sorrengail. Do you have any sense of self-preservation?” I close my eyes and begin counting, hoping this will help to bring my ever-increasing blood pressure down. 

“I want to help.” She says obstinately. “Besides, Jesinia could get in just as much trouble for not recording requests and the tomes she’s researched for me.”

I can’t help the sardonic scoff that comes from me at her reasoning. “I hope you are sure about that, because if you aren’t, we are all dead.”

My eyes find hers and I can see the fear and determination waring in equal measure behind the hazel orbs. 

“You are too trusting Violet. Even the closest friend or ally can turn on you when your back is turned.” With those parting words I walk back out of her room. A whole new tumult of trouble to deal with and nothing even close to remotely solved.

“Amari, give me strength.” I mutter under my breath. I may not ask the gods for intervention often, but as the days wear on, I’m not sure I’ll be able to survive without some type of divine help. As more and more things pile up, I’m certain that at some point something will come tumbling down. 

_____________

Sleep. The place that most people see as their escape is nothing but torture. Night after night I try to get myself to rest, but the minute I close my eyes the weight of my failures falls heavy on my chest. The names of all those I wasn’t able to save. Their faces contorted in pain, fury, disappointment, and agony. But one face haunts both my dreams and nightmares. 

Hers.

In my dreams, her eyes burn with a fire that pulls me closer and closer, until I’m forced to realize that I can’t grasp her. I can’t have her. In my nightmares, her eyes are vacant, a dead look that haunts every part of my being, and then she runs faster than anyone I’ve ever seen, my feet planted and unable to move, unable to wrap her in my arms.

I’m unsure of how little sleep one can exist on, but every part of me feels a shell of a man. A hollowed-out soul that is missing its eternal flame. But I have no one to blame but myself, my Blaze was that flame, and I only extinguished her light little by little, until it was gone completely. And now she’s truly vanished, and it takes every ounce of will I have left to breathe with the weight of realization sitting on my chest.

Rage and anguish push me forward, day after day. And a sliver of hope. A sliver so small, I don’t think a fraction of light could possibly pierce through. 

“You look like you’ve seen better days.” Garrick teases as he sits down in front of me at breakfast. 

Exhaustion hits my body full force as I grunt in response to Garrick’s comment, a steaming cup of coffee grasped in my hand. 

“Do you want me to do the drop alone?” He inquires, concern painting his brows.

“No, I need to be there. The frequency at which the fliers are attacking needs to stop.” I take a breath and a long pull of the warm beverage. “We won’t be able to continue the process if they keep with the raids.”

Garrick only nods in agreement, our hushed words settling between us. Now that we’ve both seen the threat the venin poses, it’s even harder to tell them no and not provide more weapons. But if anyone involved is found out, there will be no way to continue with the little aid we can provide.

“Are you getting any sleep?” The change in topic causes me to lift my head and cock and eyebrow. 

“Haven’t seen you concerned about my sleeping habits before.” I snark, though the bite in my tone isn’t there. I’m just so tired, exhaustion so bone deep, I’m not sure I’ll ever catch up.

“Well, the last year and a half in Basgiath you seemed to get more sleep than you had in the last four years or so prior.” I can’t stop the wince, but he’s correct. Once I started sleeping with Y/N, the nightmares and constant fears settled in a way I hadn’t felt since my mother used to comfort me as a boy. 

The peace and rest she brought a welcome respite from the constant need to be on guard in every other aspect of my life.

“The minute I find her; I may just drag her into bed and not let her out for a week.” As I take another sip, my eyes fly open at the boom of Garrick’s laughter. It’s the joyous sound that has me cracking my own small smile. The thought of my arms wrapped around my Blaze bringing tranquility to my thoughts, thought I have no doubt Garrick’s mind has taken a trip to more salacious endeavors.

“We’ll see if that little spitfire of yours makes it that easy. For sleep or other activities.” Garrick’s teasing tone continues, and it makes the smile on my face a little larger, my head shaking at his insinuation.

I haven’t even given myself a minute to dwell on what will happen when we find her. The fatigue of every other decision taking place over how she will react to me. It’s those new spiraling thoughts that cause the smile to wipe off my face. 

If she doesn’t want me to find her, how will she react if I do? Does she still love me? Will I be able to convince her that things will be different? Will she believe I really do need her?

Garrick must sense the turn of my thoughts. “Hey. It’s going to take time Xaden. But, if you’re honest and open with her, I’m sure she’ll forgive you.”

A sad breath leaves my lungs. “Maybe it isn’t if she will, but if she should.”

Our conversation drifts as we both sink into our own thoughts. We don’t linger long though as we head back to our rooms and grab our weapons for the drop. 

Walking out of the confines of the fortress, we exchange a wordless glance, eyes conversing when listening ears are ever-present. Mounting and flying, I let the chill of the whipping wind wake me and clear my head. There’s no reason to have anything running riot in my head that any of the fliers could use against me. Allies or not, the thread of trust between us is a delicate balance constantly teetering on the edge.

‘Seems your contacts have brought an additional human.’ Sgaeyl confirms as I dismount and begin the trek slightly closer to the gryphons and fliers. Her words strike me as odd though when I realize there are only two gryphons on the field.

‘Maybe Drake finally picked up a stray that was interested in him.’ I quip back to my dragon, and she chuffs in response, causing a smirk to cross my face. 

I let my features settle back into a stern look before we finally come face to face with Drake and Syrena. Though that doesn’t stop me from reaching out with my second signet to see the intentions of the newcomer. As Garrick and I finally settle in front of them, it takes every ounce of concentration not to furrow my brows in confusion. There are three people here, but I can only reach two minds, those of the Cordella family. I have no idea how, but its as if the third fliers mind is protected somehow and not by typical shields.

‘Now isn’t the time to worry about an additional flier. Focus.’ Sgaeyl’s words are sharp, a command to bring be from my own thoughts.

“If you don’t stop with the attacks, we won’t have any choice but to stop the drops. Not only are the cadre already suspicious, but the higher rates in attack are making this harder to accomplish.” My tone is sharp. There is no reason to mince words. Allies or not, we cannot tolerate the unnecessary loss of riders. 

There’s no missing the disgruntled look both Cordellas send my way. 

“We are aware Riorson, but there is movement you are unaware of that we are currently on our way to try and contain.” The words shock me as Syrena is never usually this blunt, each word holding a force that she doesn’t normally broach with me, eyes narrowing at the news. “Actually, there’s plenty you don’t know, and frankly I’m unsure why the Assembly hasn’t been forth coming with what they know.”

Drake and Syrena continue to shift their weight, clearly on high alert. A severe unease sweeping across the small amount of field between us. 

“Look, we’ll do what we can.” Drake takes up in a calmer tone, breaking the tension that has begun to mount. “Just know that the threat is getting increasingly worse. Besides, in two weeks’ time, we may not even be around to collect anything from you.”

Shock at Drake’s words registers in my mind, but I don’t let it show on my face. “What do you mean?” I ask, hoping they will elaborate on the threat that clearly has them both rattled. 

“I mean that we are trying to stave off an organized attack of a large city that will have more than devastating consequences. I’m sorry to be vague, but it’s your assembly’s job to inform you, not ours.” Drake’s words are final as he turns his back and heads towards his mount. 

As I watch him walk, I begin to fully register the additional figure that has joined them on this drop. My gaze flicking to the brown leather clad figure. My brows furrow slightly as I notice her face is covered and hood pulled down so far, I can barely make out the whites of her eyes, let alone the color. The only thing I can tell is the lithe female figure showcases a quiet power, curves fanning out in all the right places.

Tilting my head to the side, I try to go over the mental catalog of all the female fliers I’ve met during my time in Cordyn, and I can’t seem to pin the figure on anyone in particular. Though there is something familiar in the way the clothes cling to the form of the woman hiding her identity.  

Even more suspicious is the fact that a third gryphon isn’t present. The thought piques my curiosity at this new member of their group, neither Drake nor Syrena are ones to take someone into their confidence lightly. My head leans slightly to the side as I continue to comb my memories for the remaining female. 

Fingers dropping to my sides, I let them twitch slightly and the shadows of the trees begin to mold seamlessly to my command easing closer and closer to the remaining flier. They must not have prepared her as she doesn’t even flinch as the shadows begin to creep closer. Though before they can get near her, Drake steps up next to the figure and motions her to mount his gryphon. Its then she finally looks up.

The minute the figure’s eyes meet mine, the world stops, familiar eyes that are imprinted in every single one of my memories stare back at me. 

Every thought is gone. My mind a blank slate of surprise. 

My entire body has shut down, locked in the pure agony that is her eyes. My brain can’t process, words are lodged in my throat, hands and legs weighed down with disbelief. 

The shock at seeing her finally slapping me across the face has everything rushing back. Terror climbing up my throat as Drake’s gryphon’s wings beat away from me entirely too fast. 

“Xaden!” Garrick’s voice greats me, but even in its intensity, it doesn’t stop my legs as they try to pump faster to get to her. 

I have to know.

Was she real? Was it a trick of the light? Was it only my own hopes that I’d finally found her? Why was she with the fliers? Why was she dressed in brown, as if she had joined their ranks?

My lungs begin to burn, my thighs on fire at the pace my body has sent trying to chase after her. It’s the unrelenting change of terrain that expends the little bit of energy that I’ve been existing off. My body may be tiring, but my mind is on fire. Thoughts exploding at an untenable rate trying to reconcile what I think I just saw. 

“Xaden!” Garrick’s panicked voice greets my ears again, closer now, as I fall on my knees. 

“What the fuck is going on?” He demands, though there’s deep concern laced in his brows. I can only stare back as my chest heaves trying to regain my breath. 

My eyes are wild, just like my emotions that are straining like a caged beast against my breast. My gaze swings skyward, left and right, searching for another glimpse. Something, anything, that will tell me that it was real. That it wasn’t a ruse. 

“Her.” The word leaves my lips on a winded pant, still trying to regain my breath. “I saw her.”

Garrick continues to look at me as my wild eyes finally come to rest on his. Desperation, devastation, defeat, and desire all swirling in my eyes, my mind. I try to calm my breathing, but the more that I try to focus, the shorter my breaths become, until I can only gasp for air. 

“Shit, brother. You’ve got to breathe.” Garrick kneels in front of me, his hands coming to rest on my shoulders. “Come on, breathe in. Hold. And out.”

I try to shut down every thought that isn’t my breathing. Try to hold onto anything, but every thought, every emotion, every inhale feels like its slipping through my fingers.

‘You’ll never get answers if you die here in this forest.’ Sgaeyl’s stern voice cutting through my spiral.

I’ll get nowhere if I can’t get my damn self under control. Closing my eyes, I let myself focus on Garrick’s grip on my shoulders and the rocks that are digging into my knees. Unsure of how long we stay that way, my breath slowly comes back to normal, though my body feels like it has been dragged through battle. Exhaustion and adrenaline crash through my system simultaneously. I let myself fall to the ground, hands digging into the soft earth, the rough patches of grass and dirt keeping my focus as I try to piece myself together.

“You going to tell me what all that was about?” Garrick’s voice cuts through the quiet as he holds out a waterskin.

Taking a deep breath, I lift the waterskin and take a long drag, the water calming the last remnants of my labored breathing. Opening my eyes, I look back at Garrick and I swallow thickly.

“Y/N.” Garrick’s brows furrow as I say her name, not understanding what I’m trying to say, my voice hoarse and filled with emotion. “That was Blaze.”

The next instant Garrick’s eyebrows hit his hairline, surprise dancing in his eyes as they begin to flick back and forth between me and in the direction of the gryphons. 

“You mean – “ His words falter as he hesitates to bring voice to what I’m saying.

I shake my head in confirmation; the words stuck in my throat. 

My Blaze. My Love. She’s alive. She’s whole. And she’s with the fucking fliers.

Awareness begins to sing through the exhaustion. My body wants to give up, to rest, but my mind is starting to unravel at the realization that she has been with the fliers. Months I’ve been looking for her, been searching the ranks of Poromiel, trying to get a morsel of information from Syrena and she’s done nothing but hide the truth. Scouts sent out by Felix uncovering nothing but empty leads.

“I’m going to fucking kill Syrena.” The words are a dark whisper, venom coated and laced with the harshest truth I’ve ever named.

“Xaden. You must be rational about this.” Garrick begins to argue, but as my eyes meet his, something in them causes him to quiet.

“Rationality left the minute my eyes landed on her.” My voice is dangerous, a threat mixed with truth.

“Are you certain that was her?” My gaze swings back to his, a sharp retort on my lips, but I pause. Am I certain? Or was it just a trick of my desperate mind to lay eyes on her once again? 

“I –“ My mind wants to retort, to yell, to tell him that of course, I’m sure. But, for once in my life, I’m uncertain. “If that wasn’t her, it was a ghost with her eyes.”

The words lack the conviction I had only moments ago. The certainty that it was my Blaze standing in front of me bleeding away. My gut tells me that it was her, that there is no other person it could be. My mind, on the other hand, wants to slap me for reacting like that when I’m not even certain, when there’s even a slight chance it wasn’t her. 

Walking to the nearest tree, I let my back hit the bark and slide down. My head tips up as I stare up at the sky, my mind whirring with the possibilities of each scenario. Garrick sits down next to me, and I can feel his eyes boring into my face. 

“We’ll find out if it really was her, Xaden. But, we have to get back to Samara. We both have duty in a few hours and if we leave now, we’ll still be cutting it close.” Garrick’s conviction is the only thing that gets me moving.

Taking a deep breath and closing my eyes, I will myself to settle. Will a small semblance of control to return and rise to my feet.

‘We will find the Devoted One, but for now we must return to our post.’ Sgaeyl reminds me and I rise beginning the slow walk to where she and Chradh are waiting. 

“Amari, I need sleep.” The words are murmured under my breath as I rub my fingers over my tired eyes, adrenaline compacting on the now ever-present exhaustion.

‘Rest Xaden, we will discover if that was truly her and will plan accordingly.’ Sgaeyl’s voice is a calm solace to my fraying mind. Giving up the control I so desperately hold onto normally, I let my eyes drift as Sgaeyl begins the trip back to Samara. 

Too soon, I can feel as Sgaeyl begins her descent, the air beginning to warm as she gets closer to the ground. I drag my eyes open and take a breath, the small amount of sleep barely enough to pull me forward. We land and I drag my tired body from her form, landing with a harder thud than normal. I don’t miss the worry in Garrick’s face as he turns to me. 

“We’ll figure this out.” His words are soft, though I don’t miss the hardness shining through his voice. “If the fliers know anything, we’ll find out. Write something to Syrena and next day I’m off, I’ll deliver it in person.”

As we reach the gates of the fortress, I clap him hard on the shoulder and squeeze. We may not show open affection to each other often, but this isn’t the first time that I’ve been incredibly grateful to have a best friend that has stuck by me no matter the cost – no matter the effort.

“Thank you, Garrick.” I try to make my tired eyes convey the conviction behind my words. 

___________

A day later, I’m jerked from a nightmare into a real one as I awake to the attack sirens going off and Sgaeyl’s growl in my head. I promptly swing my twin swords to my back and rush out the door having not changed from my flight gear since I only had two hours before my next shift.

‘Thirty fliers headed to Samara. Their mounts reek of desperation.’ Sgaeyl relays as I finally make it outside. 

Looking to my side, I see Garrick running to mount Chradh. A quick nod to each other is all we get before I find myself soaring above the fortress. 

‘Are these friends or foes?’ I question Sgaeyl as we sweep the perimeter, the thought suddenly dawning on me. 

How am I supposed to sit here and fight these fliers when she could be with them. I’ll never be able to make her out in time. My heartrate begins to increase, the sudden realization breaking my already torn heart. If she gets caught in the crossfires, I don’t know what I’ll do.  

‘Battle is no time for these thoughts. If you know the Devoted One, do you really think she would attack her fellow riders?’ Sgaeyl’s words are cutting, testing my own loyalty to the woman I love.

‘Of course she wouldn’t.’ My words are final, but that doesn’t stop the prick in the back of my mind.

‘It’s time to focus. You will not help anyone by being distracted.’ Taking in Sgaeyl’s words, I let my focus sharpen, hands raising to call the shadows around us forward.

My entire being is vibrating with the adrenaline of battle, but the nag in the back of my mind is parting my focus. I let the shadows swirl, the first band covering the front line of the attack, while others charge behind drawing swords and ending lives in fell swoops. 

A snarl leaves my lips as I see a gryphon charging towards Garrick’s open side. 

‘Chradh’s flank!’ I call, but Sgaeyl is already moving that way before I even finish the words. 

We dive underneath and I slam my blade into the underbelly of the gryphon, not deadly but not pleasant, blood splattering my face and googles. That mistake proves to be costlier than I like.  Its with my vision impaired that I feel the slice of the blade across my skin, the cut so deep it sears as if my bones are being separated. 

My shadows respond in turn, gripping the flier and tossing him onto the awaiting treeline below, not sparing the person any mercy. A sharp inhale leaves me as I look at the state of my torn arm. 

“Fuck Xaden.” Garrick’s booming voice calls over the din. “You need to get to the healers, NOW!”

I grit my teeth, holding my right arm as tightly as I can. Between the burning of my thighs trying to stay seated on Sgaeyl and the way my arm now has its own heartbeat its growing infinitely more difficult to hold myself together. 

‘You will not collapse like a child.’ Sgaeyl snipes, but it’s missing her usual signature edge, not surprising when blood is pouring from my arm at an alarming rate. 

Between the power I utilized and the blood rushing from the wound I can feel myself getting sluggish by the minute, a harsh exhaustion pulling on my consciousness. 

‘Get to the Healers.’ It was definitely an order, and I can feel the tight edge of Sgaeyl’s anger bleeding through our bond, a fury so sharp it jolts me awake as I begin to dismount. 

“Healer needed over here!” I hear someone yell as I begin to stumble towards the fortress. Pulling up my flight goggles, I’m met with the familiar chaos of battle.

“Oh, my goodness! Hurry!” The healer says as the familiar light blue robes come into focus. “Get the request for the mender sent, NOW!” 

I drag my feet a few steps forward, the cool air flowing through the gash in my leathers, warm blood coating my fingers. I blink rapidly trying to displace the growing darkness that seems to be creeping in, but the minute I let my body rest on the nearest cot, the pain lances back through my body. 

The next thing I register is light blue robes standing in front of me with a vial of some kind of liquid. “A pain serum. You’re going to want to take this before the mender arrives.” The healer’s tone isn’t sweet, but neither forceful, just a knowing tone most likely learned from hard won years of treating riders in this outpost. 

Lacking the ability to voice my disagreement, I give a quick shake of my head as two other healers apply pressure to the wound. I’ll have to deal with the pain, as the last thing I need is my shields dropping. 

“Your decision my dear, but this will hurt.” She says as another rider in clean black leathers strides in. Her face is tired, but younger than Nolon, a testament to the toll mending takes on a rider.

“If you are sure about the serum, I’ll get started.” She says as she removes her gloves, every movement methodical and practiced. “Do you want a leather strap to bite on?”

“Yes” I hiss through grit teeth. The pain erupting from the movement of the healers around me, settling my arm on a flat surface. Without preamble, I watch as the mender moves her hands to my arm, and I feel the familiar tingle of knitting skin and tissues. The pain begins as a dull ache, compared to the wound, but after a few seconds I begin to feel like I’m in a continual strike of Violet’s lightning. 

The force of the pain is blinding, my teeth clamped over the leather strap so hard I’m unsure how I don’t break my jaw in the process. My breathing comes in short, rapid gasps showcasing the toll it’s taking to knit my arm back together. Time seems to slow to a crawl as tissue, muscle, nerve, and bone are all healed and closed back to their original state. My entire body nothing but a sharp lance of pain. I hear ragged pants of pain that seem to register with my breathing, but I can’t tell if its coming from me or someone else.  

As the mender begins to step back and the pain starts to recede, my mouth slackens, the leather strap falling from my lips. My head begins to lull forward from exhaustion, until my forehead is met with a large calloused palm holding me up. 

“He needs to rest here for at least an hour.” I hear the mender’s voice, but it’s taking every single ounce of focus not to pass out still held up by a large, calloused hand. 

“I’ll make sure he rests and gets back to his room.” The deep familiar voice rumbles and I look down to see booted rider feet. My mind is still slipping in and out of pain, the relief of my arm no longer pulsing taken over by the effort it took to not pass out in the process. 

The hand holding my head begins to push me backwards, another set of hands helping to lay me down in the cot. “I will call for you in an hour, Lieutenant Tavis, right now he just needs some quiet and rest.”

The words float to my ears, but my eyes are closing, the weariness of battle and being wounded searing into my already unsustainable exhaustion. Blissful black oblivion finally finds me, and I drift to a deep sleep. 

 __________________

Blinding white. The only words I can use to describe her smile. The beauty of the picture before me, her smile wide, ear to ear, her happiness contagious even though she sits a dragon’s length away from me on Dhioch’s back. It’s an image I’ll never forget. Her hair down, whipping in the wind, wild and unruly. There’s a freedom for her here, but even though she doesn’t let anything touch her, she still turns, still searches the skies for where I sit on top Sgaeyl. 

I can feel my chest expand. The feeling of warmth coiling softly around my ribcage, enveloping me in a sensation I never want to lose. 

Is this what it feels like to truly be in love? To have someone else possess every part of you, every single piece of your soul?

As I continue to watch her and her infectious happiness, laughter echoing through the breeze at the low level we’re flying, I make a silent vow to myself. 

I will not lose this. I won’t let her ever tear her love from me. Secrets or not, I can’t miss the wonder that lies in her eyes, and I refuse to let it die. The way that she looks back to me with soft eyes filled with every single sweet emotion I’ve been missing in my life makes every crack and tear in my life worth it. 

She continues to dip and weave with the ease of a rider who has an unbreakable bond with their dragon. A subtle power that only shines at its full strength in the skies. My own smile blooms, one unrestrained, one that is true, not harbored by the unending shackles that pull from every angle. It’s here, with her, that I can look past the looming war, past the relic that leads to every judgmental look and watchful eye, past my title and own last name and – just be. 

I can be myself. Just Xaden. Happy. Content. 

In love.

Full of something besides the anger and hurt I’ve carried since I was ten. No longer just a hollow vessel of the person I used to be, but the one I really am – the one I want to be. 

One full of both light and dark, of life and death, of adventure and warning. And she’s the one responsible. She saw me when I was a hollow shell and never shied away, didn’t pull her love or focus on someone else. Never let me fold in on myself. Never turned to those less damaged than I, no matter the harsh words or looks I may have thrown.

I let out a small huff, the thought just a few months ago a foreign concept. The thought that I could be loved, not just the familial love and bonds forged in anguish, but truly, heart stoppingly, in love and loved in return. A feeling I thought was meant for other people, never for me. 

My smile cracks wider as she looks back again, the magnificent smile still painting her face. But my face begins to falter as I feel a tap on my shoulder, a phantom pain beginning to tear through my right shoulder.

As awareness comes back to me, I feel more rested than I have in months, but I can’t place exactly where I am. My eyes begin to flutter open as a hand continues to shake my uninjured shoulder. As I look around and finally come face to face with Garrick, I can’t help the force with which I sit up, memories flooding back in an instant, along with the devastation that it was just a dream. Her warm smile. Her happiness. Just a reminder of everything I’ve lost.  

“Was she out there?” The words come out raspy, my throat dry and hoarse after battle and mending.

“No.” Garrick replies as he walks to the table where there’s a cup of water and comes back with one held out. I drink it down after he gives me a warning look. While he watches me, my throat begins to close at the thought that she could have been one of the ones incinerated by a dragon. 

Garrick gives me a knowing look in return, and I understand that there is clearly more to say, but here is not the place to say it. I can’t let myself panic or spiral, not here. Weakness of any kind will not help.

“Finally awake.” The healer’s voice comes from around the curtain, and I sit up straighter, ready to get out of here and into my own room. “You had a significant injury, but you may want to see about getting some more sleep Lieutenant Riorson. If you’re feeling up to it, you are free to go with Lieutenant Tavis’ help.”

I shake my head in acknowledgement and give my thanks, but every bone in my body needs to get back to my room so Garrick can say what he hasn’t yet. We leave the infirmary and with the sleep I got, I take the stairs two at a time, not slowing down for an instant.

“Slow down jackass. Just almost lost your arm and you’re charging forward like you’re going to tear down the world.” Garrick huffs as he tries to keep pace with my strides.

I walk through my door and hold my arm outstretched. As soon as I feel the familiar hand, I tug, not sparing him the ability to gain his balance. 

“Fuck Xaden. You need to calm down.”

“What else did you mean to say?” I ask, ignoring all his complaints. 

“I don’t think she was with the fliers, at least not the ones who attacked. I checked all the bodies that were recognizable, and she wasn’t among them. Besides, we haven’t had word from Syrena since the drop.” The words leave him in a way that makes it seem like he’s giving me complete information, but it does nothing to quell the tempest in my chest. 

“Then you don’t know for certain.” My voice begins to rise as I pace around my room like a caged animal, all the calm of my dream disintegrating in my hands.

“Stop.” Garrick’s tone is all command, and I turn to him in a whirl with a raise to one eyebrow. “Before you get yourself completely worked up – Listen.”

I stand up to my full height and stare him down, my patience teetering on a thin wire. 

“I can tell you for a fact that the drift that attacked wasn’t Syrena’s or Drake’s.” He pauses as he tries to let the information sink in. “You know well that Tecarus wouldn’t let a bargaining chip like that with just any drift. Besides, I’m sure not every gryphon would allow her to fly with them anyway. She clearly made her way into Poromiel through one of the Cordellas.”

At his continuation, I can’t help the frantic pacing, my legs move without me even acknowledging starting to do so. My mind is encompassed with any and every avenue in which I can figure out if she’s truly joined the ranks of the Poromish or not. Time seems to tick by in an unending torrent until the furious energy is a ball that I need to displace. 

“Grab your twin swords and meet me in the sparring ring.” I tell Garrick as I march into the private bathing chamber not waiting on his response. Thankfully I have no doubt he will acquiesce; he hasn’t been my best friend this long without knowing how my mind works. 

As the taps heat, I peel back the war-torn leathers, dried blood and sweat cracking as they pull from my arm and legs. Making a mental note to get a new jacket, since this one has lost an arm, I toss them to the side and step into the spray. Warm water begins to wash away the blood and gore from a battle hard fought, my own mixing with those of the gryphons who came to sabotage Navarre once again. 

As much as I want to hate them for their actions, it’s impossible not to notice the desperation when they attack. The battling thoughts in my mind between the safety of those I love and being able to beat the true enemy a constant pressure on my soul. 

Even now, my own loyalty is split. If my Blaze is truly in Poromiel, I will do everything I possibly can to double down on what we can collect, but even that may not be enough. The thought does nothing to quell the fury and panic that she’s in danger. She’s allied herself with people that won’t stop to take her life into account, ones that will most likely throw her to the wolves first to save their own skin. 

I step from the shower, a growl working its way up my throat at the thought of Catriona throwing the woman I love into the fire. Of Tecarus taking his anger at my decisions out on her. Of Syrena and Drake sending her into a battle without any power at all, just another dispensable infantry soldier for them to use as they will.

‘You make her seem like a defenseless toddler. Stop undermining the woman you claim to love.’ Sgaeyl may be right, but it doesn’t stop my entire body from singing with controlled malice.

The thoughts continue to raise the inferno in my blood and with that anger I skulk down to the training pits. 

“Come on, Honey Bear. Come take some of that anger out and show me what you’ve got.” Garrick teases as he stands with twin swords pointed towards me. 

I don’t spare a second and draw my own in turn. I know he’s teasing, trying to draw me out, but my focus is lethal. The cyclone of thoughts tossing in my mind too wild to shut off. My eyes narrow, gone is the worry and concern, my concentration is solely on my opponent, and I wouldn’t want to be Garrick. 

I roll my neck as I bring my swords up, the minute I step fully onto the mat, I’m lunging. The first blade comes up to Garrick’s shoulder and he’s quick to block and parry, but the focus there draws him away from my left hand coming up to his leg. It’s with focused control that I turn the blade and slap his thigh with the flat edge, instead of slicing through the muscle.

“Not playing today, are we sunshine?” Garrick’s words are meant to poke, but I’m too furious about the entire situation going on outside to joke.

“It’s never fun. This isn’t about joking and those Poromish bastards are going to pay – with blood.” My words are a low threat, the certainty behind them threading through. 

I continue the familiar dance, turning over my right shoulder and bringing the blade to his left side. His blade coming to the top of my head, my left-hand blocking and the right coming to force him back with a push. The savage choreography we began resembling a dance perfected since we were children trying to be like our fathers. 

With laser focus, we continue our blows, but I can feel Garrick’s exhaustion beginning to seep through. 

“Now isn’t the time to be slow.” I remark as my blade nearly takes his head off. 

“Some of us didn’t get over twelve hours of sleep in the last twenty-four hours.” He quips back as he brings his blade to my abdomen, aiming for my side.

Turning again, my blades clash as they come up blocking his own, my foot hooking behind his knee and bringing him down. 

As I turn, a figure standing off to the side grabs my attention and I can’t help the confusion that bleeds through my focus as I register Violet Sorrengail standing off to the side. I bring both my blades forward and smack Garrick with the flat edge of the blade pulling his attention to my face. From my peripherals, I see as he swings his gaze to where mine hasn’t left. 

“Sorrengail?” My voice comes across slightly breathless, the anger burning through my bones still sweeping through me. 

“What the hell is going on?” I continue as I watch her chest rise and fall in a fast, irregular fashion. 

“I can’t fucking block him out.” She rasps. I let the bond between us open, and I can feel the overwhelm of emotion that is rushing through her mind.

I grab her hand, not trying to delve any deeper while she can’t concentrate and pull her towards the bathing chamber. Leaving the door open, my shadows turn the cold tap, and I force her under the frigid spray. 

Her eyes look at me with a flash of anger at being doused in cold water. “Are you trying to freeze me to death?”

“Shut him out. Now!” I command as she continues to look at me with defiance glinting in her eyes. Though as soon as my words register, she closes her eyes, focusing on closing the bond between her and Tairn. 

Once she opens them back up, I turn on the warm water and step back. The color returning to her face as the trembling from the cold water begins to subside. 

“What the hell are you doing here Violet? You don’t get leave for another day and a half.” My words are clipped, aggravated at her presence when I have more important things on my mind.

“Oh, fuck you.” She says as her eyes narrow at me. “What am I doing here? I’m here because between Sgaeyl’s anger and the indication that Devera gave in Battle Brief, I thought you were on death’s doorstep.”

“So, it was Tairn?” I question as she begins to step out of the spray of the water. 

“Obviously, though from what I see, you look perfectly fine.” Even though her words are short, her temper flaring at my words, there is worry in her eyes. 

I let out a sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose. “You mean to tell me that you left Basgiath because you thought I was injured?”

“Yes!” The word bursts from her lips, her breaths heaving for an entirely different reason. “Gods Xaden, aren’t you the one that came bursting through my door telling me that I needed to convey any times my life was on the line.”

I roll my eyes, of course she would throw my words back at me. “Yes, I said that. I meant when I see you, not fly out of Basgiath on a fucking whim with what you think is information on me being injured. You couldn’t even stop to get your own damn flight jacket.” I raise my eyebrow as I gesture towards the jacket with three silver stars emblazoned on the side. 

She huffs back at me, eyes narrowed. “Of course I didn’t stop, between Tairn’s overwhelming worry that if you were hurt that Sgaeyl could be too, and the thought that you were in mortal danger, I didn’t worry about the consequences.”

In her anger she unbuttons the jacket and with the difficulty of wet leather, pulls the sleeves from her arms, dropping it to the floor. “Either way, from what I just saw, it looks like you’re perfectly fine.”

I roll my eyes again as I pull up the short sleeve on my right arm that covers the jagged scar. A sharp gasp leaves her lips as her eyes soften and she begins to reach out with her hand. I step back, instantly walking out of range. It’s one thing to show her the scar, it’s an entirely different thing for her to touch me. After the past year, I’ve learned my lesson, the hardest way possible. 

I’ll help Violet in any way I can, but any unnecessary closeness is just that – unnecessary. 

“Are you alright?” Her words are softer now, worry showing on her face again.  Sighing, I shake my head in confirmation. “You don’t have to always pull away Xaden. You know that other people care about you, right?”

I turn around, giving myself a moment to gather my thoughts. Of course, I’ve realized before now that Violet cares about me, but with her previous displays I’ve been hesitant to let her in, even as a friend. 

“I know and I’m aware that you do care, but we will never be anything more than friends.” I look back at her and don’t miss the hurt that flashes in her eyes before she nods. 

“Understood. But can you understand that there’s more than just me back at Basgiath that are worried?” She reasons and I blow out a breath at the reminder that my only living relative would be just as worried. 

“Is that Bodhi’s then?” I ask as I point to the jacket that is now resting on the floor. Her face begins to heat as her features fluster, I smirk at her reaction, fully knowing that my cousin and I share very similar features. 

“Yes, it’s Bodhi’s. He stopped me before I was all the way out of the citadel since I clearly wasn’t dressed in flying leathers.” She mutters as she picks up the sodden jacket from the ground. 

I nod and gesture towards the door, seeing Garrick still standing on the mats. “Let’s get you back to your room and you can take a shower and rest. You’re here now so there’s no reason to try and rush back to Basgiath. It won’t change your punishment and I’m certain Tairn isn’t interested in leaving right this moment either.” 

As we walk towards the North Tower, I glance back and can tell that Violet has more that she wants to say.

“Well, are you going to hold whatever you have to say in? Or do I have to drag it out of you?” She raises an eyebrow at the question as though she’s shocked that I could read her that easily. Even without my second signet, it’s easier to read Sorrengail than it is to understand what’s in a book by only looking at its cover.

“I just don’t understand why you continue to hold me at arm’s length. You aren’t in a relationship. You aren’t with anyone anymore and no one knows if you’ll see Y/N again.” Her words make my jaw tick, teeth clenched so tight my jaw may crack under the pressure.

Why do I seem to have the same conversation with her over and over again? Why is she so convinced that she seems to know the entire story behind my relationship? Does she really seem to think she can save me from something that I’d happily drown in?

“Violet, if you want to get closer as friends, fine. I’ll try my best to be more open towards you.” I let myself pause and breathe. “But I’m not giving up on Y/N until Dhioch tells me to.”

Realization begins to dawn on her face that there’s more behind the story of Y/N’s disappearance than she’s been privy to. After moments, reality seems to finally come crashing down on her. “Alright, if nothing else, let me help you with what I can Xaden.”

“We’ll talk in the morning Violet. Besides, we’ll need to inform Degrensi of your arrival and maybe if we’re lucky he can give you something that will lighten your inevitable punishment back as Basgiath.”

“I’ll hold you to that. Good night.” I dip my head in acknowledgment to her and swiftly turn back around. 

A voice splits the air before I turn the corner. “Xaden!”

I turn and Violet is gesturing for me to come back towards her usual room when she is in Samara. As I finally come into the view of the room, she grabs my hand and pulls me through the wards of the room. 

“What Violet? I have some things I need to attend to.” My words are short with the exhaustion that has begun to creep in again.

“Before you go, I wanted to let you know that we heard in Battle Brief that Zolya was attacked.” The minute the words leave her mouth; my eyes are flying wide.

“What do you mean?” I ask, a sense of unease starting to crawl through my body, my shadows rolling at my feet in kind.

“From what it seems, Zolya was demolished, and Cliffsbane Academy was totally overrun. Of course there wasn’t any mention of venin, but its clearly the only thing that would have decimated the whole city and school.” My mind starts to reel. 

Is that the battle that Syrena and Drake were referring to? Is my Blaze alright? Was that truly her and is she hurt?

The questions swirl just like the shadows that are writhing at my feet. I look back up and see the concern on Violet’s face, clearly watching everything that is going through my mind. I shut down the reaction and blink a few times trying to clear my head. 

“I appreciate the update, Violet. Now get some rest. We can continue speaking in the morning.” I turn around again and make my way out of the door. 

My hand rubs up and down my forehead trying to displace some of the tension that has creeped in. Even though I’ve only been awake for a few hours, the reality of the past few days settles as a weight heavier than I intended to bear. The new information that Violet just revealed is doing nothing to settle my nerves. Though with another drop in a few hours, I’ll just have to hold onto the anxious energy until I can get real answers from Syrena.

____________________

‘Hold your temper.’ I scoff at Sgaeyl’s words as she glides towards the clearing where I’ll be meeting Syrena.

‘I’ll keep my temper in check, but I’m not leaving without fucking answers.’ I snark back. My tone isn’t meant for Sgaeyl, but every inch of me is on edge, hours and hours of anxiety pent up to a firestorm of fury. I’m wound so tight I feel like I could snap in half at any moment. 

‘Being combative here isn’t going to give you the answers you seek. You know that even though you’re choosing to ignore reason.’ Another cutting remark from my girl, she’s the only one besides my Blaze that can put me in my place.

‘I’m calm.’ I argue, but we both know that I’m anything but.

‘Well, this will be an exercise in restraint and your time on this gauntlet starts now.’ Sgaeyl comments as her head swivels to the left.

As I watch Syrena emerge from the clearing, my heart begins to beat furiously in my chest. The gryphons chose to stay farther back and from here I can’t tell exactly how many there are. However, the three forms walking towards me aren’t the one that I wanted to see. 

“I’m in need of some explanations Syrena and you aren’t getting these daggers until you give me something.” I say as the three of them come fully into view. I clock Syrena and her usual second, but it’s the third flier that has my jaw ticking and pulse jumping in exasperation. The one flier on this damned continent I could live my entire life without ever seeing again.

Catriona. 

I ignore her in favor of her sister. Besides the fact that she’s only chasing thrones, I couldn’t care less about her presence. Our chapter has been written, and the finale is over and done with.

“What do you mean Riorson?” Syrena’s tone isn’t concerned, by now used to my questions when meeting with them.

“Let’s get the first bit of business taken care of. You order all drifts to stand down on their attacks at Navarrian outposts.” My voice is firm and I stand my ground. I will never cower in their face, even if one of them almost took my arm off yesterday. 

The scoff that releases to my left makes me want to roll my eyes, my patience for Catriona’s petulance already thin and always fraying at the edges. 

“You can’t expect our people not to fight for the one thing they are in desperate need of.” Catriona’s voice booms out before Syrena even has a chance to reply. 

“That’s exactly what I expect.” I say never swinging my gaze her way. “These daggers power our wards and if you continue to disregard this order, we will stop providing any at all.”

I can hear the sigh that Syrena lets out from here, but I don’t let any of them speak before continuing. “You know that if the wards fall and the venin have undisputed access to the Vale and then it won’t matter if you have weapons or not. We will all be dead.”

“If you want the attacks to stop, you need to provide more weaponry. We are already at a disadvantage and that is the only thing keeping us alive.” Syrena reasons. I don’t envy the position she is in as a leader. The way that she’s constantly trying to find access to something that her own Uncle seems to sabotage from every turn. 

“I’m doing what I can. But they stop today. No more raids, no more taking down wards, or raiding supply caravans.” My voice is unwavering, I won’t let the only thing that protects the civilians of Navarre be threatened any longer.

“You’d be able to do better if you’d agree to the offer that your own father negotiated.” Catriona slings back at me, and I don’t miss the bit of longing that bleeds into her voice. “Or if I’m not enough for you, you can always bring your prized Sorrengail to Cordyn for a wielding show.”

With that the tight leash on my temper with Catriona snaps. “You’d have to drag me from Malek for me to be entwined with you again Catriona.” Her name leaves my lips on a sneer, the thought of marrying her souring my mouth. “And Sorrengail is not wielding when your Uncle can never seem to keep his side of the bargain.”

It’s the look on Catriona’s face that makes me pause though. She looks entirely too pleased with herself, and I can’t even imagine why. 

“You may think you won’t find yourself back in Cordyn, Xaden. But you’ll find that my Uncle can be very persuasive, especially where you are concerned.” Her remark does nothing to quell the anxiety at the thought that Tecarus has more to hold over me than just giving Aretia the luminary. 

“That’s enough Catriona.” Syrena’s voice cuts through the quiet that had settled between us, though it does nothing to stop my racing thoughts and I can’t wait anymore.

“Who was the flier that was with Drake on the last drop?” I can’t stop the additional steps that I take towards Syrena. I need to see her more clearly. I need to be able to read every emotion that crawls across her face. 

“You’re going to have to be more specific than that. Drake’s cohort is large.” Syrena’s tone is bored, factual. 

“You know exactly who I’m talking about Syrena. I’ve questioned you and your drift more than once since Resson and I have a feeling you aren’t telling the whole truth.” The words land with the weight I intend as I see Catriona snarl behind her sister. If Syrena won’t give anything away, I know that I can twist the knife with Cat. 

 “We don’t have anyone in Poromiel that isn’t conscripted into our ranks if that’s what you’re wanting to know.” Syrena is deliberately skating the truth and we both know it. 

“For fucks sake Syrena. Stop trying to talk around every single question I ask you.” I tie myself to the floor with shadows, because as the seconds tick by my restraint is fraying. 

Catriona takes this moment to walk in front of her sister, watching me with those calculating eyes her mind working through whatever she can do to have me back in her good graces.

“Maybe you’re asking the wrong sister, Xaden.” I want to dismiss her, but I want answers at the same time.

“And what will those answers cost me?” I’m no fool when it comes to her, not anymore. I’m acutely aware that she doesn’t do anything that won’t serve her in some way. 

“If you enter back into negotiations with my Uncle, I’m sure that I’ll be able to give you the information that you’re looking for. Ask around, get the citizenry to answer the Duke of Aretia.” Cat’s words are planned, cold, and expectant. 

I want to lash out at her, wrap my shadows around her slender throat and let her feel the pain that lances my heart every day. Instead, I snarl at her, baring my teeth and showing her that I will not be played with.

“You had your chance with me Catriona and we both learned that volatility will serve no one.” My words are civil, my tone factual, but my veins are fire with the thought that she thinks she could ever be that important. 

“Oh, it would serve everyone. I have no doubt your citizens would welcome the protection if they knew what they were missing.” She drawls, as if the innocent lives of the people are just part of her game. “Besides, if you were so interested in the rider you seem to be hellbent on looking for, how exactly did she disappear so easily? It seems that a woman you cared for that much would garner more of your attention than being lost in the melee of a battle.” 

Her words are meant to cut and they hit their target. My shadows lash out; the leash I kept them on breaking as soon as she finishes speaking. Black tendrils wrap around her throat and lift, my eyes filled with a combustion of emotions. 

I watch as she begins to float above the forest floor, control lost to my own guilt over the entire situation I find myself in. Her eyes bulge as the shadows slowly constricts, a pained whimper crawling up her throat.

“Don’t you dare challenge me with withholding information that should be given freely. I have been aiding you people for years at the cost of my own life and relationships.” I sneer, even as I can’t make out Syrena’s panicked words behind me. “Test my patience again with the life of someone that will forever be more important than you to me and you may not find me so forgiving.”

I immediately step back, the shadows snapping back to my form in quick command. Catriona drops to the floor, coughing and rubbing her neck as if trying to erase the shadows touch from her mind. I look at her in disgust for one more minute, until I bring my eyes back to meet Syrena’s.

“I suggest you leave your sister at home from now on, because if she draws my ire in future, I may not find myself with the will to not finish what I start.” Syrena’s eyes harden, but she gives me a quick nod. I realize this little encounter has won me no favors, but I refuse to cower.

“If you want another shipment, you are going to come up with more information on exactly what I’ve been asking you about. In two weeks, you’ll get directions from Garrick. In that time, I expect the attacks to stop, and you better come bearing some news. Those are my terms. Accept them or deal with the venin yourselves.” My voice is cold, terms are set, and I can feel my jaw tick in frustration. Everything about this night went about as terribly as it possibly could have and now, I’m no closer to finding my Blaze.

“Understood.” Syrena agrees as she pulls Catriona up. “But also understand this Riorson. You’ve made your own decisions to affect the outcomes. So don’t come to me and play like you didn’t have your own hand in the way things turned out.”

Syrena turns with those words, pulling Catriona along behind her. I stand still, the anger of Catriona’s idea still stinging through me. More than that, it’s hard to reconcile the fact that Syrena’s words hit harder than anything that Catriona could’ve said. 

‘This line of thought is tiring, and it accomplishes nothing.’ Sgaeyl butts in before my thoughts can spiral. ‘You will not continue to live in this spiral, as it is getting you nowhere.’

I blow out a heaving breath and turn my back towards the clearing, there is nothing else I can do tonight. Mounting Sgaeyl and trying to turn off my thoughts, I let the crisp night air hit my face and try to focus on the cold. I need to find a different way to find Y/N, because trying to drag information out of Syrena isn’t working.

______________________

“Hey,” She starts, her voice soft with a vulnerability she doesn’t show anyone else, her fingers gently tracing my jaw. “I never want you to think that you are disposable. You aren’t someone I’d ever just leave behind. But I also need you to know that I expect the same from you.”

Her eyes melt every insecurity, because I can’t possibly imagine ever leaving her behind or forgotten. “As long as you show up for us, you never have to doubt that I will as well. You are the most vital person in my life Xaden. Never, ever forget your importance to me. Don’t let your past dictate our future. I’m not your mother or your father. I’m your equal, as you are mine. We are each others.”

Bringing her forehead to mine, the warmth that suffuses every part of us is something I thought I’d left long ago, but my Blaze has given me a lifeline I never knew I truly needed. My hands fall to her cheeks as I bring her face closer to mine and seal every promise we’ve laid bare with a kiss. 

It isn’t hungry or devouring, but one of pure trust and honest love, a promise sealed. A contract that we both must honor. In this bed, with her warmth and love, I’ve found a purpose to fight for, one greater than I had thought I’d ever have. 

“I love you, Xaden Riorson. You. Not your name, not your station, not your rebellious nature, or soaring ego, but the true man that you hide away from the world. That man is worth every single ounce of my love and more.” I bury my face in the crook of her neck, not wanting to show her how the words are making my throat tight and my eyes sting. All I’ve ever wanted was someone to make me their world and here this incredible woman is offering me it all with nothing expected, except mutual trust and love.

She doesn’t ask questions I can’t answer. Doesn’t push for things I’m scared to give her, but its all the things that I hide away that seem to want to burn holes in the world we’ve built. I’ll do everything I can to keep her, to let her know that no matter what I hide, she means more than the entire world, multiple times over. 

I swallow the lump in my throat, pushing the thoughts of everything I’m not saying to the back of my mind. “Has anyone ever told you how amazing you are?” I breathe, the wonder in my voice present.

“There’s this shadow wielder that may have mentioned it once or twice.” She smirks with mischief in her eyes. I can’t help the laugh that bubbles out. This woman of walking contradictions is mine and I couldn’t be happier. 

She’s the light to my dark, with sharp edged retorts and loving words. Quick with daggers and a sword, but swift to mercy when needed. She’s soft skin and perfect curves with punches that will obliterate an opponent.

And I’ll never take for granted that I get to call her mine. 

The dream ends with a jerk. The memory hitting me harder than any other falsified dream I could imagine. Disoriented and panting, I wipe my hands down my face. Memories like this one have been plaguing my mind in excruciating repetition. 

But this one, this hurts more, a splinter straight to my already broken heart. All she ever asked of me was my respect, my time, and since the General’s request I’ve done nothing but push her aside. It all clicks finally.

The entire reason she left.

It’s not because she really wanted to or because she didn’t love me. But I made her expendable, an unnecessary part of my life, my day. Instead of pulling her in towards me, I shackled her outside and locked the door. 

It isn’t just with the Sorrengail situation, but every single time I couldn’t show up because of the revolution, the assembly, the drifts, every single thing that weighed on my time. Instead of sharing the burden with her, trusting her, and treating her as the equal she always was, the thing she specifically asked me for. 

I did the opposite.

I kept her out of things, closed off, separated from the true heart of our found family. I was selfish. I thought I could fit her in a neat little box and keep her protected, but all that box did was shut her out. And she still waited. Waited for me to share things with her, to confide in her with every piece of me and yet I held her at arm’s length all while I claimed to love her wholly. 

As I walk to the gates of Samara, readied to fly for Basgiath, I can’t help the weight that settles in my stomach. The weeks are passing too fast and the ability to garner no information is an anchor I can’t seem to shake. I feel weighed down more and more each day, fighting through the grief, heartache and turmoil that my life has become. 

As we glide through the sky, there’s a foreboding that seems to settle in every bone. But the minute I’m back in the flight field; a slight smile graces my features as Bodhi steps into view. Dismounting Sgaeyl, we don’t waste time on pleasantries before he’s slipping right into the heart of the matter.

“You’re needed in Sorrengail’s room.” Bodhi says as he walks in step with me. 

I turn my head with a quirked eyebrow. “She’s summoning me now, is she?”

The look he gives back tells me everything I need to know. This isn’t going to be a social call, it’s going to be another one of her reckless ideas that most likely will end up with one of us dead.

“Lead the way then.” I say as we continue towards the barracks and second year floor. 

Once there, I have an immediate headache. Rubbing the bridge of my nose with my fingers, I look back at Violet.

“Has this been your grand plan since I found you with those books? And you didn’t think that you should’ve given me more than you did when I came back to speak with you?” Violet does at least some service with a guilty look painting her face. 

“I didn’t expect needing to raid a royal vault that no one really knows about in the Archives, but here we are. Unless you have a better idea?” The comment is laced with sarcasm, her tone coiled with smugness. 

My eyes narrow at the jab, but there’s no denying that there is something satisfying at the thought of robbing the Tauri’s. Though one damn book will never hold a candle to what they stole from all the children of the Apostasy. 

“And you think a Tauri will help you willingly? The same family that has left it citizens in the dark to the true danger that will haunt their children.” My words are meant to jab as I look back at the third Tauri son that has conveniently seemed to find his place in Sorrengail’s squad. 

“Well, I’m certainly not here to help you.” Aaric snarks back at me, vehemence for my mere existence shining in his eyes.

“We don’t have time for this from either of you.” Violet says as we continue to crowd into her small room. “This must be done tonight and Jesinia will be waiting for us in the next few hours.”

My lips thin and I let out a resigned sigh. Even though every bit of me says that nothing good can truly come of this, I cannot let an opportunity to be able to protect Tyrrish citizens pass by. “Fine, but we go through this plan with a fine-tooth comb and no fucking deviations.”

The smile on Violet’s face tells me that I’m going to regret this decision greatly.

_____________

Hours later I’m mounting Sgaeyl and heading back to Samara eight hours earlier than usual with Warrick’s journal tucked tightly into my breast pocket.

‘There’s something that still doesn’t feel right about this whole endeavor.’ I murmur mostly to myself, but I know Sgaeyl is listening.

‘I agree, but Tairn and his rider were confident, so we continue with our side of the plan. There’s nothing more for us to do at Basgiath.’ Sgaeyl replies as her wings sweep through the clouds. 

I try to let the breaking light of dawn pull me out of this state of unease, but nothing I do seems to settle the feeling. 

A reverberating roar sounds from below me and my head jerks down at Sgaeyl as she suddenly jerks from her position in the sky. 

‘They have Tairn’s rider.’ Her words are clipped, but I can sense the fury and panic through our bond. Sgaeyl may not hold any love to lose for Violet, but if her death triggers Tairn’s, I’m certain Basgiath will burn to the ground. 

‘Fuck! I knew something was going to go wrong.’ My words are obvious, they don’t bear repeating, but I can’t help it. Its always fucking something. 

My mind is flying faster than Sgaeyl with what we could possibly do to extract Violet without all of us losing our lives. 

A devious thought begins to coil in my mind. Why not threaten with the one thing that Navarre would sell its soul to contain?

‘Get to Samara. I need Garrick and then we go hunting.’ I can feel the Sgaeyl’s satisfaction curl around my mind as she examines the plan I have ahead. The fact that Navarre will never see it coming just heightens the satisfaction already coiling in my gut. 

___________________

It’s dark as I pass under the familiar gates of Samara. 

‘Chradh confirms that his rider is still in his room.’ Sgaeyl informs me as I walk with a brisk pace towards the familiar door.

I rap a sharp, familiar knock and Garrick answers, even though he looks ready to pass out in sleep. I don’t miss the body behind him covered by the sheets as an evil smirk crosses my face.

“Get dressed. We have roses to pick.” 

I turn and leave, not waiting for him to comprehend the statement. The phrase is one that rarely leaves our lips, something non-descript, curious if someone else were to hear, but leaving no implications behind. It’s the entire reason we came up with them after we began smuggling out weaponry our first year. 

I head back to my room and pack every single weapon I can and the few important things before stepping back out into the hall. My steps are sure, but my pace is quick. The longer this takes, the longer they have Violet in their grasp.

“What the fuck is going on?” Garrick asks as he catches up to me just past the gates.

“Sorrengail’s plan backfired.” His brow rises in question, but I keep my voice low. “We broke into the royal vault in the Archives with the little prince in tow. Seems the journals of the first six may have the answer to the protection for Aretia. Violet took it upon herself to research since she wasn’t welcome on weapons duty.”

Garrick’s eyebrows hit his hairline as he listens to the explanation. “I suppose the cadre have her then? Somehow, they found out.”

I nod in acknowledgment as we make our way to Chradh and Sgaeyl. 

“I’m going to give you one chance to back out of this plan, because there’s no coming back to Navarre after this.” I turn and look at him, the severity of what we’re about to do etched on my face. “We’re going hunting for wyvern and we’re going to drop them on outposts between here and Basgiath.”

Letting my words sink in, Garrick’s face goes from interest to shock and finally lands on the devious smirk that reminds me of why he’s always been my best friend.

“You should’ve just led with that. I’m always in for committing a little bit of treason.” His eyes sparkle in mischief and I shake my head in return. 

“If that’s the case, mount up. Sgaeyl says there were purportedly a horde of wyvern spotted near Ignisburg.” Garrick’s eyebrows rise at the news.

“They’ve come that close to Navarre?” I know he has questions but now is not the time to address them.

“Yes, and we need to be quick. They can move at any time.” Reiterating the need for urgency.

“I’ll take that as you want me to walk, I’m guessing.” I nod in agreement as he holds his hand out for me to grasp. 

The pulling sensation that I have come to recognize with his signet begins and I take a deep breath trying to stave off the incoming nausea. In mere minutes we’ve crossed the Esben Mountains into Poromiel. Landing in the tree line between the mountains and the town, we are crammed between towering trees and the two dragons that are too large for the small clearing.

Before either of us has the chance to talk a loud screech rends the air and the entire reason we are here splits the sky. We watch as the riderless horde soars the skies and take stock of everything around us.

“So, are we just going for general slaughter? And how many are you looking for?” Garrick asks as we keep our eyes open to the threat in front of us.

“Sgaeyl has informed three other riderless dragons that support our cause, and they are enroute. Plan is to slaughter five and drag their carcasses to Samara, Chakir, and the other three bases until we reach Basgiath.” Explaining the plan, every muscle in my body begins to lock in preparation for war.

This horde may not have any venin riders, but that doesn’t mean the task is without risks. 

“Are you sure you want to do this?” I refuse to not give Garrick every chance to back out.

“Are you trying to have all the fun without me, brother?” He snarks and it’s the glint in his eye and battle-ready stance that has me nodding in acknowledgment. 

With that confirmation, I nod back at him before running for Sgaeyl’s foreleg. 

‘Time to play, my girl.’ I murmur through our bond and feel the satisfaction of what we are about to do run through her. 

_________________________

The viciousness which Sgaeyl tore through three wyvern is still rattling through my bones as she carries one of the carcasses in her mouth on the way to Samara. Garrick and I both sport the blood and ichor of the wyvern, but the satisfied smirk that I can see from here is more than enough confirmation that he enjoyed himself. 

Watching Chradh and Sgaeyl tear through them so efficiently was a solace to the way they ripped through our own ranks in Resson. The predatory grace that they exuded while tearing through the throats of the godsforsaken creatures was so satisfying to the pieces of my heart that are still torn apart from everything we lost that day. 

But I can’t let myself dwell on those thoughts for too long or I know I will spiral with the frustration of having to pull this off and how it will affect the search for my Blaze.

‘Focus. We have less than 20 miles to Samara.’ Sgaeyl chastises feeling the way my thoughts had begun to change.

I close my eyes and let them drift back to the task at hand. It has already been three days since we learned of Violet’s capture, and it will likely be another two before we are able to get to Basgiath. Dropping the carcasses on the outposts is one thing, but then we must wait for word to get to the cadre. 

Waiting is the worst part. Thoughts of what Violet could possibly be going through run rampant in my mind. It hasn’t escaped me that Varrish must be torturing her past every rule they normally utilize for RSC. 

There will be no mercy for her. Not now. Not after she has aligned herself with us and has defied him repeatedly.

 In the cover of night, we fly over the post of Samara, though no one would ever stop a dragon anyway. Sgaeyl dips lower and without ceremony, opens her maw and lets the carcass drop. I hear the screams of surprise and uncertainty reverberate as she pulls up back to a glide in the sky. 

‘I believe you humans owe me an entire flock of goats to get that disgusting taste out of my mouth.’ She comments offhandedly. 

‘I will get you two flocks once we arrive in Aretia.’ I promise with a smirk as we head for the next outpost and drop point with Chradh and Garrick flanking our left.

_______________________

Two Days later, we finally swoop down towards the familiar outline of Basgiath and shadows begin to swirl in a predatory agitation. 

‘Took you long enough Shadow Wielder.’ The booming male voice slides into my mind, every word edged with irritation.

‘I’m sorry we did not meet your schedule, but we worked as fast as we could.’ My terse reply does nothing to soothe the relations between Tairn and I, but I’m exhausted by the constant need to reassure him about his rider.

‘Most cadre have flown for the borders and affected posts. Dhioch confirms there are about five dragons left for the current administration. Now is the time to move.’ Sgaeyl confirms as she dives towards the flight field. 

I don’t let her land, opting instead for a running landing that sets me gently near the hidden tunnel. Stealth will be our friend for getting Violet out as quickly as possible. My hands unlock the tunnel while my feet carry me quickly to the entrance. I don’t stop to find Garrick, instead opting to just keep the door ajar so he can follow behind. 

Knowing the outline of the hidden tunnels of Basgiath, along with all the interrogation chambers available, I make my way to the one that is never used for classes. One I had the pleasure of being personally acquainted with myself my second year.

‘You choose correctly Shadow Wielder.’ Tairn’s voice rumbles through my mind as I continue towards the farthest tower.

The next few minutes are a blur of steel and blood before I get to the door of the familiar room. If it wasn’t for the fact that I was beaten within an inch of my own life here, I’m not sure I would’ve even known where to go. The scent of damp earth and mold swarms my senses, but I don’t have time for memories, not when the door where I can sense they’re hiding Violet in is so close. 

As my shadows cloak me, I can hear the voices from inside of the room. All is quiet now that the guards have been dealt with. 

“We need to go. They are demanding all leadership, now.” A high female voice confirms as I skulk closer to the door.

There are muffled words, but I can’t hear them clearly. It isn’t until the door is yanked open and the feminine voice calls again. “Varrish!”

Harried footsteps are heard before chains clink to the ground and Aetos’ voice cuts through the melee adding onto the fear that I’m too late.

“Turned traitor did you, well, you won’t leave before Nora has the time to end both of you.” Varrish spits, the venom in his voice stinging.

“The fuck they will.” I say as my sword drags across the female’s throat who is barring the door. 

“Stop!” Violet’s voice calls, trying to step in front of Aetos, clearly not knowing that I’m more than aware of what Dain has just done to protect her. The flare of his intentions bright, even through the bloodlust painting my eyes. 

Shadows explode around the chamber as I pull Varrish’s body towards the bed in the corner of the room. They wrap around his wrists, legs, and arms, binding him to the platform that I have my own intimate memories of. 

A pained cry leaves Violet’s lips as she starts to fall under her own weight. My shadows split and grasp her weight gently, trying as hard as I can not to press on the wounds that I can tell are all over her body. My gaze turns and softens when they meet her eyes, relief that she’s alive sliding over me. 

“You’re really here.” She says a rasp of broken vocal cords and trembling screams. 

“Of course, I am.” I state the thought that I wouldn’t come to save her, making my heart crack a little. 

“So, the general’s daughter, is just another traitor like him. No wonder you ended up bonded together.” Varrish’s voice makes my lip curl up in a sneer. “Though I’m sure it pains you more that you can’t save the woman that truly is your weakness, doesn’t it, Riorson?”

The shadows wrapped around him coil tighter, one beginning to circle his neck as well. 

“I’ve left you alive too long and it’s a mistake I tend to correct right now.” The words are a threat and promise all in one. “Of course, it’s your right to do the honors, Violet.”

I turn my eyes towards her, and I can see the spark that she wants his death. Her intention a fire of conviction with no room for remorse. 

“I’ll take that honor.” She says as I place the runed dagger into her hand.  

I grasp her a little tighter by the waist as I drag the bed forward with another band of shadows, the less I move her, the better. 

“Enjoy meeting Malek.” She rasps as she leans forward with the dagger aimed straight for his heart. I can feel her strength failing as she tries to push the blade forward. 

Wrapping my larger hand firmly around hers, I push forward, and the blade sinks deep into flesh tearing skin, muscle, and tendon. We stay there, hands wrapped around the hilt until his body completely sags, eyes closing in death. 

Then it’s as if the entirety of her body believes it’s safe, her weight settling firmly in my hold.

“Damn Xaden. You couldn’t wait two seconds.” Garrick’s voice calls from the hallway, leaving us both turning to see him round the corner. 

As his eyes land on Violet, I can see the realization strike his face. He knew it was bad, he didn’t dream it was this bad. 

“Garrick.” His name leaves Violet’s lips with a genuine fondness, the bond that she has bridged between all of us shining, though it does eat at the crack of the other woman who is embedded even further into our family. 

“Let’s get this moving. We’re heading out.” I snap us all out of the reverie and focus on the business at hand. 

“We can’t leave. You’ll threaten everything you’ve been working towards, all because of me. Besides, they aren’t ready.” I know that she’s leaving out the details because Aetos is in the room, but she needs to understand what happens now.

“Give us a second.” I demand to the two men still breathing in this room. As soon as they head to the hallway, I look down into Violet’s concerned gaze.

“I need you to understand something.” I begin hoping that she will listen and we can move forward, with life, with this war.  

“You may not have my love romantically, Violet, but you will always have my protection. You’re more than aware I take care of my own, you are now included in that number.” I explain, her eyes are a mixture of sadness and gratefulness. “We can no longer stay here. It isn’t safe for you or those who are marked any longer. This only accelerated something that was in the works long before you decided to steal a journal from the royal vaults.”

“Its time for us to go to Aretia and we will decide with the Assembly how we move forward.” She nods her head in acknowledgment before we begin to move towards the staircase. 

____________________

I scrub my hand down my face as I fly atop Sgaeyl, thankful that Garrick was able to wield Violet to Riorson House ahead of the chaos that is about to envelop Aretia. 

‘I’m going to get a fucking earful.’ I muse to myself, although I know Sgaeyl is listening.

‘Yes, you are. But you are the head of the Assembly by birthright and will follow through with what needs to be done.’ The words are a reminder and a promise. I’m bound by oaths far older than myself, the Riorson name a noose of duty that is clamped tightly around my neck. 

‘You will not fold. You are in a position to change more than just the outcome of this war. In time, it will be for your benefit as well.’ I scoff at Sgaeyl’s words. 

As if I already didn’t hold enough on my shoulders, now I’m bringing a riot of over 200 to a city that has only been rebuilt enough to catch its breath. We could be bringing the weight of Navarre’s wrath to our doorstep and yet the one thing I want to chase remains so far from my grasp I’m not sure if I’ll ever get the chance to change it. 

Beginning our descent to the steps of Riorson House, Sgaeyl directs the majority of the riot to the valley, while I go directly to the courtyard. 

I can tell the dragons have been busy confirming our location as I’m greeted by a sight I never want to see. Brennan stands on the doorstep, scowl on his face and I’m sure more than a few words to hurl at me.  

“Every fucking time, Riorson.” He blurts, his cheeks coloring in frustration. “Why is it that my sister comes to me on Malek’s doorstep every fucking time?”

I take a deep breath, pinching the bridge of my nose. Of all the conversations I have to have, this one is the most frustrating. 

“Did you get any information from Violet or Garrick on why she looked that way before you waylay into me about my choices?” I demand while standing up to my full height. I refuse to back down and supplicate when this wasn’t my plan. 

“Didn’t really have time to ask when I was trying to mend every fucking bone in her body.” Brennan seethes at me, clearly past the point of anger. 

“Then before you finish biting my head off, why don’t we have a civil fucking conversation like adults.” I snap back, weary from the past week. “Otherwise, I’ll meet you on the fucking sparing mats and you can fight your way to information.”

His nostrils flare at my words, clearly wanting both a fight and information, but before he can answer Garrick steps out of the doors. 

“The Assembly is waiting.” He explains, clearly displeased at even having to deliver the message. 

“Let them keep fucking waiting.” I murmur turning back to Brennan. “You have a riot full of riders. I suggest you get everyone settled in a room for the night. I’m going to bed.”

Without waiting on a reply, I march past both of them and through the momentarily quiet halls of Riorson House. I try to enjoy the fleeting bliss before the bubble completely burst and the entire fortress is teeming with hotheaded assembly members and cadets. 

Opening the door to my room, I’m met with the familiar smells and signs of home, but the thought still sends a sharp pang through my chest. I glare at the large bed, the furniture mocking me at the fact that it is still missing the only person that has ever truly felt like home. 

Huffing, I take off my boots and begin discarding my blood coated clothing. Letting everything fall to the floor behind me in a haphazard pile, I make my way to the bathing chamber and turn the taps with lesser magic.

Steam begins to fill the room as the water heats and I step into the spray. For a moment, I relish in the water that splashes down every inch, clear water turning black as a combination of blood, sweat, and grime falls from my body. The heat begins to loosen my muscles, tension that has coiled since Tairn sounded the alarm finally falling to the wayside. 

I wish I could say that every inch of my body relaxes, but that’s impossible. I try not to let my mind wander, try to rein in emotions, to let myself calm, but my anger begins to get the best of me. 

Every possible turn another fucking obstacle rises, a tower that I can’t seem to climb, as if Loial is conspiring against me at every turn. And now, the spies that lie in Navarre may be lost. 

‘That road leads to ruin tonight.’ Sgaeyl slices through my spiraling thoughts.

‘That road leads to ruin every fucking night.’ I reply even though I know she’s right. At the end of the day, I am just torturing myself with questions. The thoughts of her eyes from the drop still a clear picture that I will myself to hold onto. 

Even if Syrena won’t give up the information I’m desperate for, I will get it, one way or another. I don’t care if I must burn down all of Poromiel at this point. I will do what I have to in order to have her back. 

_________________

Taglist: @honethatty12@motorsportloverf1@annthepenguin@dragonsandrinks@acourtofsmutandstarlight@minidemont@bookishcait@ilovetomtailor@nevermoresworld @nastylicious@iambored24601@mysticalfuncollectorus@sadpieceofbread@alwayshave-faith@bestillmystuckyheart@luvly-writer@yuelhua@mitziix @idek99cool @jennigson @xxhospital-for-soulsxx

[quietstormxr]

Both sides f them coming at y’all soon! Sorry for the wait and I hope you love it! ❤️

Y'all.

Tumblr said no.

Apparently I've written too much for one post....soooo we're going to have 2.

[quietstormxr]

Y'all.

Tumblr said no.

Apparently I've written too much for one post....soooo we're going to have 2.

[quietstormxr]

I can't wait for the next part of 'Forgotten' especially because it's Xadens pov. I am sure you will make it amazing ahh can't wait!

Hear ye, hear ye….TODAY’S THE DAY!!!!

Finishing everything up now!

[quietstormxr]

Ahh girlll, how's the editing process going? Can't wait for Xaden's pov of Home!!!!! Any specific date we can expect it to be out?

Finishing up the editing process now!

Took a while to get through 91 pages....👀

But, the good news is that means it should be out to y'all tomorrow or Thursday at the latest!

94k words later for this series and just wow, I hope y’all love this one as much as the last!

[quietstormxr]

36K+ of gold coming soon 😛😛🙏🙏

I hope all 51k are a shiny as you’re hoping for!

[quietstormxr]

Could you upload it to Ao3 anyways? I’m so excited for this story I can’t wait to download it on my phone and re-read it over and over and over!! I’ve thought about this series everyday since the first one came out

Since it was so close to 50/50, we’re just going to make everybody happy and do both.

What can I say, a girl loves choices and…I love y’all! 💋

All options will be on the master post on the large post so you can pick your poison…

BUT….

Y’all.

We are at over 50k words 👀…like what?!!

So one more question…

[quietstormxr]

I’m having an awful awful night because I physically lost something and the only thing I could think to bring me comfort was rereading forgotten for the umpteenth time. I can’t express how much it’s my comfort fic

I’m not crying…you are. 😭

Firstly, sending all the comfort your way! ❤️

Secondly, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to express how amazing it is that y’all could enjoy something I’ve written as much as you do!

I am so very grateful to each and every person that comments, likes, reblogs, rereads, and still keeps coming back for more.

I can only imagine that the gratitude I feel for all of you that love this story is what published authors feel like. Because it truly is wonderful.

So thank you, for taking the time out of your life to read what I’ve written. Every single one is a labor of love and knowing that it can brighten at least one persons day or bring them comfort or touch on a part of your life you thought long buried is beyond what I could’ve hoped for when I stepped into this space.

Just - thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[quietstormxr]

I’m so excited for the new fic part I can’t even express it, I’ve reread all the parts more times than I can count

*squeals* Its happening!

Just finished the writing. Editing is in process! Eeeep!

I can only hope y’all love this part as much as the last from Xaden’s POV!

[quietstormxr]

Hi, I really love your Forgotten/Home story but the 20k+ "chapters" make it extremely hard to read for me. Is there any way you'd maybe consider breaking the new one into like 5k parts or something? Please and thank you🙏❤️

Soooo.....The wait is finally coming to a close for Xaden's POV of 'Home'. I'm aiming (keyword: aiming) to have it out to y'all next week (not sure of the day).

I received the above and I wanted to get some feedback from y'all. So I've been thinking about how I could split everything up and I have a few ideas and I wanted to see what would be the preference.

Now, for those who prefer everything in one place, don't worry, I still plan on releasing this one in one very, very, very long post (currently sitting at over 36k).

However, for those who do find it hard to get through, let me know what you'd prefer.

The first option is creating a separate Tumblr that is specifically for 'Forgotten' and any other series that may get longer than say about 10k or so words per post. This would have a master list with each series and break things down into more manageable chapters.

The second option is uploading the ones y'all want to Ao3. I would include a link to the story at the beginning of each post and everything would be separated into chapters just like the additional Tumblr.

Or if y'all have any other suggestions, I'm all ears!

[quietstormxr]

Hiii! Oh, I’ve got such a messed up request, if you’re interested!

Imagine, Garrick is tasked to get close to the reader because it’ll get the marked ones an easier access to something they need (weapons, inventory, anything else really), they start dating and he actually catches feelings and starts falling for her. Everything goes downhill when reader finds out she’s been played - loads of grovelling, angst and regret 🤤 until he proves that he actually did not fake his feelings 🤤 need more grovelling Garrick in this world 🥹

It's a pretty plausible scenario, if you ask me. Hope this one hits just like you were wanting! Enjoy!

No Feelings

[quietstormxr]

No Feelings

Garrick Tavis x f!Reader

Summary: Anon Request: Garrick is tasked with getting closer to her. He didn't expect everything else that came with it.

A/N: Violence, Swearing, Angst, no real spoilers in this one!

Word Count: 10.6k

Happy @empyreanevents Garrick Week!

“Are you always this charming? Or did someone put you up to this?” Her eyes bore back at him, both question and accusation. 

Garrick is unfazed, its not the first time a woman has questioned his interest, it just proves that she isn’t just a capable fighter, but also perceptive. 

“No one put me up to it, I’ve watched you fight and seen you converse with Emetterio, just thought you could show me some of those skills.” The lie rolls off his tongue, both truth and challenge. There’s a slight bite on his tongue at the sharpness of it, but he shakes it off. It isn’t the first time he’s started here and he’s certain it won’t be the last if Xaden has any say. 

If he wasn’t someone who enjoyed casual hookups, he would question why he was the one always assigned to leave broken hearts in his wake, but between Basgiath and his parents death, settling down isn’t in his personal vocabulary any longer. 

She stares back at him a moment longer before he’s caught off guard when her melodic laugh shoots straight through him. 

“You’re telling me, Mr. Can’t Keep It In His Pants, is just trying to be nice?” The incredulity on her face makes her eyes sparkle, something he hadn’t ever noticed before. She cocks an eyebrow, obvious challenge to the tale he’s spinning.

“I mean I wouldn’t be oppos-“ His words die on his tongue as a dagger he didn’t even see her grab slices through the air next to his neck, the bite of the blade grazing his skin and landing with a decisive thunk behind him. 

Garrick just stares – blinking. Of course he had been told no before, some women just didn’t bed hop, though those were few and far between since entering the rider’s quadrant. But this, this was new, and he didn’t know if he was mad or exhilarated by the sight. 

“Did you just throw a dagger at me?” The words are incredulous, almost as if that had never happened. But of course, plenty of daggers had been thrown his way, just not for this reason before. 

“If you want to flirt or get in my pants, you can move on Tavis. I’m not here for your good time.” Her voice is dismissive, turning back to the supply paperwork she had been working on keeping inventory of the weapons. 

The feistiness of the challenge heats his blood in a way no other woman has in the last two years. What’s the harm if there’s a little satisfaction along with accomplishing his mission? As long as he can get the numbers that are close enough to touch each week, anything that comes after would just be a bonus. 

“Well I’ve never backed away from a dare before, why start now?” His eyes light up as the annoyance sparks on her face. “Look, I’m trying to get another weapons proficiency and you’re apparently the only one who has it.”

It isn’t a total lie, but it’s definitely not the truth. Garrick is more than proficient with every single weapon available at Basgiath, but its no secret that she's the master when it comes to lances. A weapon not common in the school, not common in battle, but when wielded can extend the reach needed. 

Her quirked eyebrow is the only indication she gives that this is even a consideration. 

“I promise no flirting or trying to get in your pants. Just a student and a master.” He says while pointing between her and himself. 

A loud sigh of exasperation leaves her, and he can’t help the quirk to his lips as an adorable look of inconvenience passes across her face.

“Fine.” She says with exaggerated slowness. “But if you start getting any ideas, this is off.” She says gesturing between the two of them. 

As he walks back to the dorms, satisfaction settles in his chest, maybe this entire endeavor will be easier than he thought. 

___________

“Why the fuck does he always get to be the one to do this?” Bodhi whines as he looks between the other two boys.

“Because you don’t know how to operate when I tell you no feelings involved.” Xaden snaps back, irritated to have to explain this to Bodhi once again. 

Garrick sits on the chair, looking entirely too smug for his own good. “Last time we told you to do something like this, you ended up confessing in the first week.” Garrick’s snark is smart, though he isn’t about to pass the chance up to entertain the newly appointed logs master for Emmetterio. 

“But I was only eleven! And she’s way out of Garrick’s league.” Bodhi continues in protest. 

Garrick’s nose wrinkles, a look of aggravation stealing across his face. “She’s not out of my league. She’s beautiful and you’re just jealous.”

They all know this conversation is ridiculous. Are more than aware they shouldn’t be speaking about any woman this way, but this isn’t just for sport, it’s for survival. 

“She’s more than out of your league considering the display that she made in the dining hall two months ago.” Bodhi points his finger to both accusatorily. 

It doesn’t take much to drum up the memory of her walking up to Railan and slamming his face into his mashed potatoes, completely unprovoked. Or that he ended up in the infirmary with a broken wrist after she challenged him to a spar. Only for everyone to learn later that he had cheated on her with a scribe. 

“That’s different. I’m not going to cheat on her, just make her think I’m interested, get to know her and break up eventually – nothing more, nothing less. I just need her to trust me, if I get to bed her while at it, so be it.” The confidence radiating off Garrick coming in thick waves, assured that this whole plan will be easy. His earlier achievement with her solidifying his bravado.

“Quit the fucking bickering.“ Xaden commands, rubbing the bridge of his nose between two fingers. “You flirt with her, train with her, get her to bring you to the faculty offices and check the logs. We only need the information every two weeks. No one needs to be in a relationship, garner feelings, learn about childhoods or share secrets. This is just meant to be a simple transaction.”

Bodhi and Garrick look at Xaden and exchange their own glances, his entire description clearly hitting on something he’s done before. 

“She’s not fucking Catriona, Xaden. I’ve spoken to her before, and she doesn’t deserve to be used like that.”

“Maybe not, but we didn’t deserve our fate either, yet here we are.” With the words out of Xaden’s mouth, they all go silent. There isn’t any arguing with that, no way to brook a rebuttal when no one bothered to do it for any of them at the respective ages of sixteen and seventeen. 

“I already spoke with her today. She’s going to train me with lances and I’m going to get the weapons proficiency. If we train enough, there’s no way not to break her down at some point.” The plan seems simple enough, train and get the information they need. Besides, Garrick has enough women banging on his door, having to settle for a friendly relationship won’t be an issue. 

___________

“You’re late Tavis.” She calls as the lance sails through the air landing square in the mat at his feet. The version of the weapon a crude one compared to the intricate piece standing tall next to the woman who is currently glaring at him. 

“Didn’t know that it was imperative to be here at the exact moment asked.” It’s a ridiculous comment, he knows well enough that if someone says a specific time, it’s always abided by. However, he couldn’t help the run to the forge that kept him longer than he was hoping. 

“You are a soldier, aren’t you? If nothing else, you should know by now punctuality is not a request, it’s a demand.” Garrick’s blood continues to heat, the forceful nature of her words and her air of confidence lighting a fire he isn’t here to stroke. 

“Well then I guess you’ll just have to punish me with some grueling drills I suppose.”

She doesn’t even wait, words that were meant to be playful striking a chord he didn’t know there was to stroke, before slicing forward with the triple blade at the end. Garrick staggers back, caught off guard by the ferocity of her reply to his teasing words. 

“I told you before, I’m not here to flirt. If you want to work, then fine, otherwise, don’t waste my time.” Her words cut as sharp as the blade she wields. Garrick nods in acknowledgment, the challenge to focus singing the song of battle in his blood. 

“Grab the lance and take your fighting stance. Let’s see exactly what you have down already.” 

As she retakes her stance, the fight in her eyes burning, Garrick can’t help but think how impossibly attractive she is. Battle lines sharp, eyes even keener, yet posture relaxed, as if she’s been fighting for her life far longer than she leads on. He can’t help the way his eyebrow quirks, its possible they have more in common than he thinks.

___________

Days turn into weeks, and Wednesday evenings begin to be his favorites. The routine one he dares to hope for, a lesson with a woman not afraid to claim her readiness for war. A weapon in both her sharp edges and even sharper tongue. Though he would be lying to himself if he didn’t admit it was the cooling off after weapons practice that was truly his favorite. 

Her eyes that once only studied him in suspicion begin to soften, a recognition and appreciation of their time spent together. Perhaps it was because he was an eager student, always latching on to each lesson and trying to perfect the technique before their next session. Or perhaps it was the way in which she began to reveal the softness that still resonated under the sharp exterior. 

Another Wednesday, another day when he pulled his strength, reining it in so she always had a slight upper hand. 

“When are you going to use your full strength?” She asks breathlessly.

Garrick can’t hide his surprise, brows shooting up as he turns back to face her again. She gives him a look back that screams please, you don’t think I noticed, come now. For once in his life, Garrick feels sheepish. Most girls he’d been with never thought much about his power or his body as a weapon, well everyone except Imogen, but they’d known each other since childhood. 

For a moment he’s speechless, how can he explain that he’d been going easy without explaining why he was there in the first place. But even then, was that why he continued showing up every Wednesday?

He blinks, clearing away the surprise before falling back to his usual teasing. “Didn’t think you were ready to handle all of me?”

He watches as her brow rises in surprise and sarcasm. She’s less than impressed with his retort, he can read that plainly on her face. Though he doesn’t even have the chance to reply when she rolls to the side and swipes the lance under his feet, blades slicing through the leather of the mat. 

She doesn’t stop there either, letting the weapons arc and come full circle, blunt edge heading straight for his head. Arms raise in instinct to block, reverberations shooting through his arms as the weapons clash. Though it’s the crack that suddenly begins that has him looking up. Without warning, the wooden shaft splinters and fractures in too many directions. 

“Shit!” She calls as he stumbles back trying to clear his vision from the shards. Falling on his backside, the impact rocking the cuts now marring his arms. 

“Fuck.” Garrick groans out as he tries to still his eyes, a shard clearly roving uninvited in his eye. Eyes still closed, he can feel a tentative hand land on his shoulder, making his head turn.

“Hey, it’s just me.” She calls out in a soothing voice he’d never heard from her before. “Can you open your eyes for me?”

“There’s a shard stuck in there somewhere. Having a hard time opening it.” He responds in the direction of her hand that still rests on his shoulder.

“Okay. Can you lay down and I’m going to get some water to try and wash it out.” Her hand leaves him; a sudden coldness meets the skin where it was resting. 

In seconds, he hears the familiar click of boots and the squeal of leather as she kneels next to him, the unmistakable slosh of water greeting his ears. 

“Is it both eyes or just one in particular?”

Garrick moves both, and the right sings in pain. “Seems to just be the right side.”

“Try to open your eye just a little so the water can wash through. It’s cold so it may sting a little, and I’m sorry for that.” She says as one arm rests on his face, cradling it towards her and the sounds of water.

A sudden gasp leaves him as the icy water begins to meander down his face and over his eye. A finger begins idly stroking his cheek, a move he’s unsure if she even realizes she’s doing. Minutes later, the feeling of water sluicing over his face fades and he feels her palm drag down the side of his face. 

“Can you try moving your eyes again and see if that did the trick?” Her voice is tentative, apologetic in a way he’d never heard from anyone. 

Through closed lids he tentatively moves them left and right, there’s still discomfort in one, but the worst of the pain has dissipated. 

“I think you got it out.” Garrick replies as he begins to flutter his eyes open, readjusting to the brightness of the sparring gym. 

Vision focusing, his eyes find her face, concern painting her features from above and he thinks it might just be the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. His eyes flare in shock at his own thoughts, a mental reprimand – no feelings he reminds himself. 

“Does it still hurt?” Her voice doesn’t raise, the concern still peaked through every word. “We should probably get you to the healers, just in case.”

Her hand moves down his arm, a gentle coaxing touch, before she grabs his hand and begins to pull him forward. Garrick opens his eyes in a squint while watching her actions carefully. As soon as he’s standing, he pulls his hand away feeling scorched by the heat of her hand. 

“Sorry.” She says as though she takes the blame for the entire incident. “Do you want me to help you to the healers? I understand if not.”

He can’t believe the way she has seemed to curl into herself, her usual commanding presence turning unsure. A pang surges through his chest, and he rubs at it without understanding why. 

“You know that wasn’t your fault, right?” His words are quiet, holding the hope to soothe the discomfort that seems to run through her.

“Well, either way, I am sorry.” She repeats as she begins to pick up the shards that litter the space around him.

Garrick is unsure how to move forward. He tries to wrack his brain for moments like this, but soon realizes that no one has apologized to him, especially not in Basgiath. Why apologize to the son of a traitor? A traitor himself. Why apologize to someone who moves from bed to bed, never staying long enough to matter?

Gods. Has he really just forgotten how to be human?

Instead of acknowledgment, he just moves. Walks towards the doors of the sparring room only turning for a second to look back as the doors close behind him. 

______________

“What did you do to her?” Bodhi’s voice greets Garrick as he continues towards the battle brief room.

“What the hell are you on about? Who her?” Bodhi gives him an unimpressed look in return as they both enter into the room. 

Without trying, his eyes roam the room, looking for a woman who showed him more compassion than the average person here. Garrick can’t help the way his shoulders tense when his eyes finally land on her. Instead of her usual proud stance, her shoulders curl in slightly, and he doesn’t miss the white bandages that wrap tightly across her knuckles. Eyes narrowing as they finally clock the blood that has begun to seep through the white cloth. 

“You know damned well who I’m referring to.” Bodhi’s head cocks to the side as he follows Garrick’s line of sight. “Heard through the grapevine that her squadmate found her in the gym beating the punching bag like she has a vendetta against it.”

Garrick turns looking at Bodhi, expecting to see the laughter in his eyes and the lie, but it’s not there. “What does that have to do with me?”

“Well since you were the last one, she spoke to and she told her squadmate that she just lost track of time while training, I’m just assuming.”

Garrick’s eyes swing towards her again, not believing that she would punish herself for something that wasn’t her fault. But, he understood the compulsion better than most. What was there if you didn’t punish yourself for the one’s you couldn’t protect? Gods, he, Xaden, and Bodhi were walking advertisements for doing just that. 

For the second time since he was tasked with this, he felt his chest tighten, the thought of inflicting more pain on you tearing at his insides. 

“Regretting your assignment yet?” Bodhi prods as he studies Garrick’s face. 

Garrick just scoffs in response, but they both know he agrees without even speaking. He needs to move this along and get in and out of it as fast as possible. The last thing he wants is to inflict more pain than necessary. 

He tries to concentrate through battle brief, but he can’t get her bloodied knuckles out of his mind. His fist closes around the pen that he has poised on parchment, the creaking of the force on it dragging looks from Xaden and Bodhi. 

Taking a deep breath, Garrick adjusts himself, letting his eyes slide shut to get away from the incessant want to look her way. Bodhi’s snicker makes his eyes open and he glares back at him while he feels Xaden lean closer.

“Should I have Bodhi take over?” The question is quiet, but it causes Garrick’s heart to race erratically. 

“No.” He says, almost too quickly to be casual.

Xaden doesn’t ask anything else, just sits back in his chair. 

As soon as Devera closes her lecture, Garrick is on his feet, striding to the nearest column. He watches as cadets file out, unaware that he still stands there. When the familiar fall of hair passes, his hand shoots out and wraps snugly around her wrist, halting her movements. 

She whirls, dagger raised in defense, blood beginning to drip from her hand at the pull of the action on her wounds. Garrick isn’t surprised, he doesn’t try to defend himself, he knows that she’s used to being hunted. It’s showcased in the way she trains, how she constantly battles to be better, to perfect every movement. 

He watches as her eyes widen in shock, moving quickly to apology and remorse, to finally settle on irritation. “Is there a reason you go grabbing people like that?”

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry.” He rushes out, knowing that if he doesn’t push through it, he’ll never give her what he should have yesterday. “I shouldn’t have left like that after you helped. It wasn’t your fault, and I never thought it was.”

Garrick is mesmerized as he watches her ire soften, the ridge of tension in her shoulders easing as he continues to talk. 

“And I wanted to see if you’d like to hang out after dinner.” Her eyes are now narrowing again, but this time trying to read exactly what he’s trying to say. “No weapons. No flirtations. Just talking to smooth over everything and get to know each other outside of the shattering of weapons.”

She continues to study him, clearly trying to parse out if he is lying or not. Garrick doesn’t move, his facial expressions don’t change, every single thing is as neutral as it possibly can be. After moments, she sighs and rubs the bridge of her nose.

“Fine.” She huffs out before pointing her finger at him. “But no funny business, or I walk.”

With that comment she turns and heads back towards her squad, her closest friend wrapping her arm around her and pulling her away. Garrick watches as she walks away, appreciation lighting up his features as she moves farther from view.

“How hard are you going to try to flirt with her now?” Xaden asks as he follows Garrick’s line of sight to the two girls heading to their other classes.

“Not at all.” Garrick turns his head to Xaden and quirks an eyebrow at his best friend. 

“You mean to tell me that she truly got you to keep it in your pants?”

The words are all accusation, and Garrick wants to deny it, but he can’t, his own reputation warranted. 

“She asked me not to, so I won’t. I just need to get back on equal footing after yesterday and this is the best way to get into her good graces again. Besides, if we start hanging out, maybe she’ll finally drag me to see those logs.”

Xaden shakes his head in agreement as they both begin walking to their next class.

___________

“You’re lying.” She says, though the amusement dancing in her eyes and the smirk on her lips belies her words. 

“No, I’m not.” Garrick chuckles as he leans his head back on his forearm. Gone is the hard and stoic soldier, the constant tease, and he’s peeled back the veneers and let her see him. The real him.

“You mean to tell me that you ate an entire chocolate cake yourself, in less than an hour, just because you didn’t want to share with Xaden?” She repeats, still incredulous.

“You, my dear, haven’t seen Xaden with chocolate cake.” The minute the words leave his mouth, her head tilts back, a harmonizing melody of laughter slipping from her lips. 

The smile of amusement plastered on his face falls, though it gives way to something softer, a look of complete adoration. A look he’s never given any other woman. The sound reverberates through his bones, lighting up the hollows of his chest that have been vacant since losing his mother. 

As her laughter begins to fade, she looks back at him, a question in her eyes.

“You have a beautiful laugh.” The words roll off his tongue, the truth lined in every word. The smile that tugs at his lips is impossible to hide as he watches her face flush, pink dusting her full cheeks. 

She falls onto the grass next to him, hands trying to hide the flush still rising on her face. “Are you sure you aren’t flirting?” Question coming out muffled from the fingers covering her mouth. 

“I promise.” His own laugh answers as he goes to move one of her hands. “You asked me not to and I’ll always respect your wishes.”

She finally brings her hands away from her face and faces him again. 

“Thank you.” She whispers as a soft smile curves her lips, both of them falling in a contended conversation. 

____________

“I feel like I’m going fucking insane. The numbers were correct a week ago and now we’re short another thirty.” She grumbles as she sits at her desk, Garrick making himself at home on the floor of her room. 

A month of trading stories, sparring, and general friendliness has turned into nights together. 

“Bring it down here and let me take a look.” Garrick says, his voice coated in a lazy nonchalance.

She looks between him and the sheet between her fingers, a dip creasing between her brows. “I’m not supposed to show this to anyone other than Emetterio.” She comments worrying her bottom lip.

“I won’t say anything to anyone.” Garrick hopes his tone is comforting, because the lie is beginning to make his own throat constrict.

“Fine.” She concedes before adding. “But if you do, you have to promise to never eat chocolate cake again.”

Garrick gasps at her, his hand covering his heart. “How dare you threaten my favorite dessert!” The mock exasperation paints his voice and expression, but her own is serious.

“Fine.” He grumbles finally. 

She sits on the floor next to him, scooting to meet his own shoulders. The touch sends a shiver skating through his body; he looks over to find her poised over the paper trying desperately to reconcile the numbers correctly. 

For an hour they pour over the numbers. His eyes roam the entire report, soaking in every bit of information he can. 

“Are you sure they didn’t miscalculate the raw material available or utilize too much? That could explain the lack of weaponry, correct?” He tries to explain away the missing daggers, full well knowing they are sitting in a bag in Xaden’s armoire. 

“That may be true, it seems like the smiths are getting a little heavy handed in their weapons skills. This has been happening since I was assigned to help Emetterio. It’s the whole reason that I was given the assignment.” She ponders, giving him more information that he’d ever thought he’d get from her. 

They sit there looking over the numbers more, but neither comes up with any other explanations, both eventually returning back to their own assignments. The guilt that wasn’t there before begins to gnaw at Garrick’s thoughts, he knows the true answer, is aware why the logs will never be correct, but his lips remained sealed. 

Her yawn cuts through the companionable silence that had descended on them, the only other sound the scribble of pens as they both continued to work.

“I think I’m going to head to bed.” She says as another yawn slips past. 

Garrick rises, gathering his things into his own pack. As he rises to his full height, he sees that she’s stepped closer and his eyes get caught on her lips. The sudden urge to capture her soft pink mouth with his own. 

He turns, the thought still lingering. As she opens the door, Garrick turns back, in his mind intending only to say good night, but without thinking he leans down and softly touches her lips with his own. It isn’t anything like the usually stormy kisses, ones exchanged in passion and desperation, just looking for release. 

This is sweet, caring, and the opposite of every single thing he should be doing. Garrick pulls back, apology sitting on his tongue. But, before he can speak, her hand threads through his hair and yanks him back towards her. Their lips meet again, it still isn’t hot, still a little tentative, but there’s no denying the fire that has begun to spread in every vein. 

When they part again, her face is flushed, a beautiful blush rising to her cheeks and a sweet smirk crosses his lips. 

“Will I see you tomorrow?” She asks tentatively, as if dreading the response.

“Of course, if you want to.” Garrick replies, before bending down and stealing one more kiss. 

The only response she gives is a shy smile as she slowly closes the door to her room. A smile tears at his face, dimple on full display as he revels in this turn of events. Boots clicking through the stairwell as he returns to the third-year floor.

Though the minute he opens his own door, it drops as Xaden sits in his chair, clearly waiting on a report. 

“Getting in too deep there, Tavis?” His smirk is dirty, a knowing look that Garrick hates. 

Garrick refuses to answer, to play Xaden’s game. He tasked him with finding out information, and he will, but he wants to keep her too. There must be a way to keep both.

“They’re aware of the discrepancy between the ore their producing and the weapons that are fired. Though it seems like the smiths are being blamed for being heavy-handed.” Garrick report, monotoned. He refuses to give anything else but the facts he learned, Xaden doesn’t need to know he kissed her.

Xaden doesn’t need to know that the minute she pulled him forward that Garrick knew he was in trouble. Knew that he was treading a wire he never wanted to be put on. 

“Probably should hold off on pilfering anything for a week or so, let the numbers wash out correctly.” Xaden nods as Garrick continues, they have to be practical in order to operate under the noses of the Basgiath cadre. 

“Agreed.” Xaden says rising from the chair. “Keep it up, seems like your little project is starting to trust you.”

“Don’t call her that.” Garrick snaps as Xaden walks into the hall. 

Xaden’s brow quirks at the response. “It wouldn’t be good to get involved, you know. Things like this always end badly.”

“Says the king of no feelings.” Garrick grumbles as he turns and closes the door in his best friend’s face.

He’s aware this isn’t ideal, that he’s going to have even more secrets to hide, but gods, he doesn’t want to give you up. Not just yet.

 ______________________

“Hey there.” Garrick greets as he opens her door. 

Her smile in response lights up every tired part of his heart. Stepping in, he takes in the simplicity, not just in the décor of the space, but also the ease that she exudes. His body begins to sag in exhaustion.

How long has it been since he’s had a good night’s sleep?

She rises from her chair, hair loose and swaying, light training clothes hugging each curve of her body as she strides quickly towards him, wrapping her arms around his neck and bringing him down to her level. 

“Hi.” She breathes after she kisses him quickly. 

She takes his hand and brings Garrick further into the room, shutting the door quietly behind him. 

“Glad to be back from being pulled to the midlands?” She asks as Garrick sinks down on her bed, slotting herself between his parted legs. 

The lie hits him in the chest and he drags her forward, burying his guilt into her stomach. His own stomach turns sour, churning at his own lies. Calloused hands splay across her back, anchoring himself to her, desperate to chase away the lies and demons clinging to his skin.

“Glad to be with you.” He breathes as he hugs her tighter, the tension from the drop finally releasing from his shoulders.

“That bad?” Her words are soft, her voice the only real thing in his life. 

“At this point, I think anything that involves days away from you may just be the worst.” Garrick grumbles as his thumbs trace circles into her lower back. 

The sweet sound of laughter greets his ears, and he pulls himself back, every ounce of hardness melting at the musical reverberation. His eyes light up at the sound, warmth pouring back in after days without her. Garrick can’t help himself, can’t stop the need to erase any distance between him. 

He pulls her down, a shriek of giggles following as she lands on top of him in the bed. In a flash he as her back to the bed and leans over her, head resting on his palms.

“Never stop laughing.” He whispers as he pushes hair from her cheeks, pink with the remnants of happiness. 

“Are you getting sentimental, Section Leader?” The question is meant to be teasing, but the smile on her face makes it all too real. 

“I don’t know about sentimentality, but I’m not sure if the sun would be quite as bright without that beautiful sound.” 

Their eyes meet and Garrick can barely breathe around the tightness in his chest. Her eyes are a beautiful mélange of adoration and love, emotions that he’s never thought would be directed at him. Her hand rises and she cups his cheek, the tenderness causing him to melt into her touch. 

“Let’s get some sleep. You’ve been out a while and need it.” She says as she continues to map his face with her hand. He leans into her, head resting on her chest as her hand moves through his hair. 

Garrick’s arms tighten around her as the precarious situation with the woman underneath his cheek begins to plague his mind. 

“Please stay.” The words are barely a whisper, but no less a plea. Want wrapped up in utter desperation. He isn’t even sure she heard him, her heartbeat steady and hand tangled in his curls.

“Always.” It’s returned on barely a whisper as he hears her breathing even out. At that, his arms wrap around her, impossibly closer, clawing desperately to hold onto something he feels like he’s already lost. 

________________

“How’s your new toy, Tavis?” Imogen questions as she appears in the training gym, the smirk on her face indicating there’s more to the question than just face value.

“What are you on about Imogen?” His words are curt, being up since dawn on leadership meetings cutting his patience thin. 

“Didn’t know if you’ve seen her today. She seemed to be on a warpath of sorts when she stormed through the dining hall earlier.” Garrick’s eyes narrow, suspicion growing uncomfortably. 

He studies Imogen’s face, the too-satisfied smirk, the eagerness to engage in whatever this question entails causing his hackles to rise. Without waiting on Imogen’s convoluted skirting of the topic, he storms out of the training gym, sure-footed steps taking him to the familiar door that he’s spent so many hours behind. 

Before reaching the handle, his hand is moving, lesser magic working to click the lock, but as Chradh’s magic flows, nothing happens. The door, the very same door he opened yesterday, stays stubbornly closed. He swallows hard, heart tightening as if a fist has been wrapped around the organ, uncertainty weaving through every breath he takes. 

Garrick knocks, three times, a fourth, and still nothing. The door remains stubbornly closed, not a hint of movement on the other side. 

“Don’t think you’ll find her in there. And even if you did, I doubt she’d let you in.” Imogen’s words are filled with satisfaction, the kind that means his own world is breaking. 

“What the fuck happened?” Garrick snarls, worry and fury melding equally wrapping a fist around his throat.

A snarled chuckle is returned, Imogen straightening in the doorway across. “I believe Xaden may be the one who should be answering your question.” Her only words before opening her own door and disappearing through the threshold. 

Garrick doesn’t stop, taking the staircase, two at a time, pace frantic. He doesn’t knock, doesn’t wait for Xaden’s command to enter, no that is for civilized conversations, and this one is decidedly not.

“What the fuck did you do, Riorson?” Garrick’s furious gaze takes in the room. Xaden sat in his chair at his desk, Liam hovering behind, and Bodhi comfortable on the bed. 

Liam and Bodhi turn when the door slams open, eyes widened in shock, but Xaden doesn’t even turn his head. 

“I did what you were supposed to do two months ago.” Xaden’s tone is flat, a finality to the words that has the panic in Garrick’s throat tightening. “Or let her overhear it at least.”

Garrick’s entire world stops. The words clanging in his brain but making absolutely no sense.

“Overhear, what?” The whispered snarl drips venom, fury rising faster than the ocean tide. 

“Bodhi, Liam, go.” Xaden orders to the two other men, but Garrick doesn’t trust himself.

“No, you stay.”

Xaden lifts a challenging brow, but it’s the only emotion revealed before he turns back to his desk. 

“I let her overhear Bodhi and I discussing the shortages that were on the logs. Let her realize that the secret she told you to keep wasn’t a secret at all.” The explanation is blasé, every word rolling off Xaden’s tongue as if he’s only discussing the weather. 

Red. Everything is fucking red. 

Garrick’s temper flares and he turns and pounds his fist into the door, splintering the wood in several spots. Breathing ragged, he turns back to the men in the room, eyes narrowed in a deathly glare.

“When the fuck will it be time for you to keep the fuck out of everything in our lives? You can’t dictate the people we choose to be with. Fuck, Xaden! Just because you want to be fucking miserable and pine over the General’s fucking daughter, doesn’t mean the rest of us have to!” 

Xaden shoots out of his chair, both men facing off, fury radiating in a wave of heat the temperature of dragon fire. 

“I’ll keep out of everything when the scars rest on your back, Garrick.” The words are low, in tone and threat. 

Garrick’s nostrils flare and eyes widen. This, this is what it always boils down to. The threat that will forever hang over their heads. 

“How about you two settle this like normal, in the sparring gym?” Liam suggests as he slowly approaches the two men.

“No. I’m tired of this. Of this looming threat every time we don’t fall in fucking line.” Garrick presses, rising to his full height, making use of the inches he has on his best friend. “I’m your best friend. I’ve always listened, followed orders, gotten you out of scrapes, helped move along plans, but when is it fucking enough, Xaden? When will our debt to you be paid?”

“Do we all have to be miserable and alone, hopping from bed to bed for the rest of our lives because something worth dying for is dangerous to you? You sit here and dictate Liam to follow around Sorrengail. You say its for protection, but hell, we all know you’re in love with her.” Xaden’s shock registers for only seconds, the emotion gone in a blink.

“Even if Liam’s interested in someone, how can he compete with the schedule you gifted him? She has an entire fucking squad and every single one of your circle constantly protecting her, at what cost? Living, Xaden, at the cost of living!” Words begin tumbling out, the grief of something Garrick may have lost pushing him past restraint. 

“And you do what? Take away the one thing I had that didn’t feel like a burden, that brought back a little bit of peace. Why? Because for once, I was happy? For once I didn’t have to rely on flirtation and sarcasm to feel something. Godsdamnit, Xaden – just why?” The fight has drained. 

Fury giving way to resignation and sadness. Garrick turns, not giving any of them to speak, and walks out the door. His steps don’t falter, each one beginning to fill his boots with lead. The threat of what he expects to find burying itself in worry. 

But as he searches every single nook and cranny of Basgiath, he comes up empty. It’s as though she has disappeared. At the dining hall in the evening, he searches again, his heart in his throat as he waits to face the punishment for the way he used her. Frantic responses roll about in his head, any way that he can possibly rectify the situation. 

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Words and ideas are wasted as days pass and there is still no sign of her. Her door still inaccessible, her form missing every battle brief, the sparring gym bereft with no logs being taken regarding weaponry. The walls scream as they seem to shrink with each day that passes.

Garrick watches her squad, noting the way they even search for the familiar face. A gnawing unease begins to eat at his very being. It isn’t just their relationship, but what if someone else heard Xaden, heard that she had broken protocol.

Worst cases begin to swirl in Garrick’s mind, closing his eyes, all he can see is her bloody and broken, chained because of his choices. 

‘Is Cois in the Vale?’ Garrick questions Chradh as the third day of nothing comes to a close.

‘Your human squabbles are not my responsibility.’ The grumpy brown replies, though there’s no real bite.

‘Please Chradh. I need to find her.’ The words are an appeal to the brown’s loyalty. 

‘Cois is in the Vale. But she will not share any details, unless you want her to continue trying to snap my neck.’ The response does nothing to soothe the worry in Garrick’s mind. 

Garrick breaks out into the courtyard, steps desperate to find something to settle his mind. Before he makes his tenth stride, pacing across each stone, light footsteps skirting rocks along the cobbled path. His eyes rise and his heart stops. 

She stands there, bloody from head to toe, hair mussed with dirt and grime, leathers torn and barely clinging to her form. Her steps continue, slow and overly measured, trying to push past pain. One of her eyes so bruised, it is sealed shut, cuts marring her beautiful face. 

When awareness finally hits again, Garrick is moving, strides eating up the distance in seconds, but a panicked voice makes him stop. 

“No.” The word leaves her lips, but pain and fear are etched across her face. She tries to straighten, stand up to her full height, but Garrick doesn’t miss the small hiss of pain. 

Garrick’s hand rises, his palms itching to hold her, to touch her and make sure she’s truly standing in front of him. 

“I said no.” The words are more forceful this time, malice sliding into her voice. 

“I asked you to keep what I told you to yourself. Didn’t think I needed to explain that I would be punished if anyone else found out about it. I trusted you, thought giving you my trust meant something in return.” She shakes her head, as if disappointed by herself. “I didn’t know that I was just a fucking project for you to pretend with. Just a little plaything for whatever you and Riorson have going on.”

Her eyes land on a point behind her, but Garrick can barely breathe, let alone focus on anything else.

“So, I hope you enjoy what your little game cost. Maybe next time you and your best friend will consider the people that will have to face the consequences of your actions. But I should commend you, Tavis, I truly thought you cared about me. Thought all the rumors of the quadrant were really a lie.”

An indignant huff leaves her lips, the split on them opening back up. “More fool me, I guess, just another pawn in whatever game you enjoy playing. So bravo, I hope you enjoyed every minute of it.”

Her eyes move, a form coming and stepping up next to her.

“Let’s get you to the healers.” Her squadmate says while glaring at Garrick. 

Everything comes crashing down. Her words settling into every broken crevice. Garrick swallows, trying desperately to give voice to anything, but the words are stuck in his throat. Every apology, every damn wish to make it better, to take her place, burning like bile as it sits, not making it past his lips. 

Instead, he watches as she limps away, watches as she drags his heart along with her. Wild energy coils inside him, the force making his entire body vibrate. Before he can blink, he’s entered the training room, walked up to the nearest punching bag, and the next sound that greets his ears is skin hitting leather as he blasts each bag past its point. His mind races as the skin on his knuckles begins to burn, fingers fracturing the only feeling that can get past the barriers of his anger, his misery. 

Garrick doesn’t know how long he stays there, how long he lets his blood pool on the floor, skin torn from his knuckles. It isn’t until exhaustion begins to settle, reality clawing its way back in, but the pain from his split skin is nothing. Nothing compared to the pieces his own heart has fallen into. 

“You should get those bloodied knuckles mended. Doesn’t look good for a Section Leader to let anger get the best of him.” Xaden’s words float to him, Garrick turning to see him settled on the wall closest to the door. 

Garrick scoffs, ire still burning between them. He walks towards the door, intent on ignoring Xaden like they have been for the last few days. But before he crosses the threshold, he turns, eyes hard.

“I pray to Amari that you never have to see the woman you love beaten and bloodied for your actions. For all the things you never told her. Eye swollen shut because you’re just another traitor. Beautiful face full of cuts and bruises, that even when mended will leave a mark on your soul.” He pauses, letting his words settle between them. “Because no matter what you do, no matter how much time passes, no one and nothing will be able to take that mark away. The mark that your love left on her, and not one of gentle compassion and devotion, one that mars you both.” 

Garrick walks away then, lets their choices settle between them. The true cost of rebellion, the cost of war.

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Garrick tries desperately to seek her out. To plead his case and tell her that she was never a project, that his need for her was never something he faked. It was the only real thing he had for himself.

Every time, she is surrounded by squadmates, by loyal friends that help pick up her pieces when they learned of his betrayal. He knows that he isn’t worthy, he never may be, but it doesn’t change the way that his entire being cries out for the chance to be with her again. To feel her nimble fingers tangle in his curls, her melodic laugh reverberate through his chest. All the quiet ways in which she showed him love. 

The older years gather in the sparring gym, challenges resumed on a higher level, skills expertise being analyzed by the professors. He doesn’t take his eyes off of her. 

Garrick’s hands fist when her opponent is called. 

Oswyn. Fucking Del Oswyn. The man that had been trailing her for months after she slammed her ex’s head into the table. The smile that lights up Oswyn’s face is the very definition of sinister, the gleam in his eye pleased amusement. 

Garrick watches as she walks to the mat, posture rigid, but held with power and purpose. She wasn’t quite as aware of Oswyn’s attempts, especially since Garrick gave him a black eye when he found him watching her through the door of the sparring gym one night. After that Oswyn backed off, clearly not willing to mess with the threats Garrick had levelled.

But now, now he wasn’t there, wasn’t a barrier to all the other men that would seek to use or hurt her. It didn’t matter; he would do anything to make sure that Oswyn played by the rules. There was no doubt in Garrick’s mind that she could take down Oswyn, but he was also aware that Oswyn wasn’t beyond playing dirty. 

They circled each other, the familiar dance of sparring, opponents sizing up each other, looking for weakness, any way to gain the advantage. He only caught it because of the scrutiny, the slight hitch in Oswyn’s stance, the indicator that something was hidden, a weapon he didn’t normally keep there. 

She lunged, fist aimed squarely for his jaw, but a quick step to the left and he was out of reach. She countered, body swerving quickly to follow his retreat. Oswyn’s boot came up, the glint of metal streaking and before anyone could react, it swiped through her ribs. 

Garrick could only watch as the pain stole across her face, hand gripping her side, blood seeping through her fingers. She didn’t fall. With her left hand, she grabbed the curved dagger at her side, a weapon clearly made solely for its wielder. The blade cut across his boot, hidden dagger falling to the ground. 

A scream tore through her lips as she sliced the blade across his knee, bringing him to the mat. Oswyn tried to swipe for her feet, but a dagger was flung, holding the sleeve of his arm to the floor. 

“He yields.” Emetterio announces. 

She turns; familiar eyes meeting Garrick’s with triumph. Before she can spin away, her face crumples and everyone around them erupts. Garrick looks down at Oswyn and a malicious look runs across his face, before she falls to her knees. 

Garrick’s eyes widen as he sees the handle of the blade slotted through her back. Panic ceases his lungs, before his feet move. Anger turning him into a weapon, meant only for destruction, to inflict maximum pain on the ones that seek to hurt her.

Her squadmates rush to her, two lifting gently and quickly rushing out towards the healers. As soon as the doors swing shut, Garrick’s fist wraps around Oswyn’s throat, his other hand twisting and pulling the air from his lungs. Distant orders sound in his ears, but his focus is on the bastard in front of him. The one who may have just cost the life of the girl he would willingly trade his own for. Garrick’s face closes in on the fear filled eyes in front of him, a glare as sharp as the daggers strapped to his ribs.

“If you dare to lay another fucking hand on her, your life is forfeit. Challenge or not. You. Will. Die.” The last words are punctuated, a wrath of righteous fury running through his veins. 

As the last word leaves his lips, he closes his wielding fist and releases his grip on Oswyn’s throat. He steps back two steps, the picture of control, though the hazel in his eyes has hardened to a molten gold. Walking away from the mat, he slams the doors open and walks out, steps firm and steady, but his heart beats wildly in his chest. 

Approaching the bridge to the healer’s quadrant, he sees the shadows move, whisps beginning to drag over his feet. His steps halt, head turning slightly, finding Xaden standing a few feet behind. 

“You need to go back to your post.” Xaden’s words are command and directive wrapped into one.

“No.” Garrick replies, finality sweeping through the word as he continues to look over his shoulder. “I’ve let you decree enough of my life. I’ll always be there to stand by your side and help in every way I can, but I will no longer let it be at her expense.”

With that, Garrick moves, steps continuing to carry him forward to the healer’s quadrant. Opening the doors, he’s met with chaos, light blue robes fluttering in every direction. He scans the hall, looking for any sign of black and continually comes up short.

The next time a healer passes in front of him, his hand shoots out, blocking her from escaping. “I’m looking for a rider that was brought in with a knife in her back. Where is she?”

He doesn’t even register the words he says, the actuality slicing through his own heart.

“I believe she’s in with Nolon. They aren’t allowing anyone in, you can wait outside with the other two that brought her in, if you stay out of the way.” The healer recites before flitting away to another duty.  

Garrick’s boots clip against the stone floor, footsteps heavy, echoing the dread that has clawed up his throat since he watched her face crumple. Wrath and fury turning to panic and dread. 

The familiar forms of her squadmates come into view, both turning to observe the newcomer. 

“If you’re here to drive the knife in further, you can turn around right now Section Leader.” The honorific slips from the man’s lips like a slur, Calvin or Caylin, he can’t remember. 

“I’m here to make sure she’s alright, Cadet.” Garrick isn’t afraid of him, but he won’t spit in the face of the way her squad cares for her either. “She can tell me to leave once she’s healed and awake.”

_________________

Minutes turn into hours, the agony of waiting pulsing under Garrick’s skin. He’s unsure when he started, but the dagger continues to twirl end over end as he waits outside the door. The hall is too quiet, no sound reverberating from outside the door, healers walking in and out, somber expressions plastered to their faces, bloodied sheets wrapped in their hands. 

As he focuses on another set of red stained sheets, his throat works, trying to swallow down the chance that he may never see her open her eyes ever again. But just as he begins walking the line of worst case scenarios, Nolon walks out. Every inch of the older man is sunken, tired from the toll of mending, shoulders hunched, exhaustion pulling at every feature. 

“She’s – stable.” The words are soft, meant to be reassuring, but the pause between says there’s more he isn’t saying. 

“She’s going to be unconsicious for some time.” He continues, his eyes turned down. “She lost a significant amount of blood and the blade knicked her kidney.”

Nolon looks up then, face somber, straight to her two squadmates. “If you wouldn’t have gotten her here when you did, I’m not sure she’d still be alive.”

Those words cause Garrick’s lungs to cease. The truth that he almost lost her a second time collapsing his carefully crafted control. He wants to rush to her, to beg her to wake up, to hit him, scream at him, hate him – anything. 

“You’re welcome to see her, but I’d suggest you all get some sleep. She’ll most likely be out for a day or so, if not longer.” Nolon’s words are supposed to be a comfort, to soothe the worry, but it does nothing to tamp the frantic nerves that still course through Garrick’s body. 

Nolon turns and walks towards another wing of the infirmary, but Garrick’s eyes stay on the door of her room. He can feel her squadmates look to him, they want to push him away, to make him leave, but he won’t, not until he can see the sunlight hit the familiar orbs that have been haunting him both waking and sleeping. 

“I’m assuming you aren’t going to leave her to rest, are you?” The words are inquisitive, the sharp edge that was there before dying slightly. 

“No. I’m not leaving until she’s awake.” The words are out of Garrick’s mouth as he steps forward, his hand resting hesitantly on the doorknob. “You both can rest, I’ll be here.”

He doesn’t wait for them to respond, hesitation finally wiped away as he pushes the door wide. Eyes settling on the form on the bed, all the blood rushes from his face. There, laid in the middle, is his girl that looks smaller than she ever has before. All color has leeched from her face, the normal warmth of her skin tone faded to a sickly hue. Her eyes are sunken in, deep purple bruises underneath her dark lashes. 

Garrick’s jaw tightens, his jaw feathering with held tension, every inch of his body locked. He wants to say it’s because of his control, because he can never let things slip, but it’s truly because the guilt is surging faster and harder than before. The woman he loves hurt because he wasn’t by her side.

He hesitated, didn’t move when he should have, didn’t predict the threat, even when it was right in front of him. The only thing moving him forward is the shallow rise and fall of her chest, the one thing holding him in the room and not running to kill Oswyn. Fuck the useless threats. 

His chest begins to match hers, her steady breathing dragging his feet closer and closer, until he’s next to her bed, his larger fingers curling around her own. It’s that contact that brings the control crashing down. 

Tears that he hadn’t shed since he watched his parents burn falling down his face in sheets. The truth behind every missed moment with her crashing all at once, the possibility that he would never be able to hear her beautiful laugh or watch her smile. Loss, grief, and heartbreak tumbled into hot tears that he wouldn’t dare show to anyone else. 

“Please, come back. Please.” Garrick can only plead as his forehead comes to rest on your intertwined hands. 

“Make me cross a gauntlet, fight ten opponents at once, bleed every ounce of blood I possibly can – just please come back to me.”

In the quiet of the room, tears still falling, words whispered in fierce desperation, Garrick’s heart cracks open. The organ that he had chained crumbling underneath the reality that she was never leaving the space. 

So, he sat there, day after day, until on the morning of the third day, her breathing picked up. Eyelids beginning to flutter, he rises from the chair, the ache of being in one spot too long stretching through his entire body.

As her eyes flutter open, the fear that never settled finally dulls at the edge, the recognizable color letting him finally take a full breath. 

Eyes squinting at the bright lights, he moves closer, hand ghosting over hers as to not frighten. 

“Welcome back to us.” His words are soft, the relief flooding through each word. 

Her head turns slowly as her mind begins to work again, she blinks fast and then realization must dawn, because he can see the walls rising in her eyes. 

“Wh – Why are you here?” The words are a rasp as she begins to cough lightly.

He turns and finds a glass of water, handing it to her while helping her sit up. As she sips the drink, she doesn’t move her eyes from his, clearly not wanting him here.

“I’ve been here since your fight. You should know that I’m not going to let anything hurt you.” Garrick’s words come out, his own eyes widening as realization dawns.

She scoffs and rolls her eyes. “Unless it comes directly from you, right?”

Garrick can’t help the flinch. She hasn’t even been awake for ten minutes and already his own actions are biting back at him. 

“I never meant to hurt you.” His words just seem hollow, even to his own ears.

“For some reason I think that’s exactly what you expected to do.” Her snark isn’t unexpected, it’s warranted even. 

Garrick clears his throat trying to gather his own thoughts, he can admit to himself, this isn’t exactly going the way he wanted it to.

“Let me ex-“ Before he can even finish, her hand shoots out, stopping his thoughts.

“I don’t want your explanation. You broke my trust. You used me to get something and accomplished your task. How about we just leave it at that?”  As she turns away from him, Garrick wants to turn her back to him, to force her to listen. But he knows that she won’t give in or hear him if she doesn’t want to. 

Still, he refuses to leave without showing her that he truly does still need her. Damning the consequences, he leans down, breath ghosting over her temple and kisses her there. Not with heat, or passion, just with the gentle care that he’s determined to give her. To make her understand that it was truly real.

___________________

“Garrick, get up. Someone’s going to see you.” She says in a forceful whisper, eyes flitting to the left and right.

“No. I’m going to kneel here and beg until you let me at least explain myself.” The reply slips easily from his lips, he’s not above groveling and begging, not at this point. Over a week has passed since she returned from the infirmary and he can't stand it. He refuses not to be able to protect her any longer, for her not to know how important she is, how loved.

“You can’t let just anyone find one of the most feared riders in the quadrant on their knees.” She huffs as she steps forward and grabs the arm of his flight jacket, wrenching him to his feet.

“I don’t give a fuck who sees me. All I care about is you.” He says as she pulls him into her room and closes the door behind him. 

Not giving her a second to think, he’s on his knees again, this time his arms are around her waist bringing her to him. 

Gods. He’s missed her smell. Missed the way her body molded in his arms. Missed the way her hand fists in his hair as if its muscle memory, the place where it has always belonged.

“Please let me explain.” His words are muffled as he tries to bury himself in her stomach. Desperation mingling with a small slice of hope.

“What is there to explain? Xaden knew I was there, he knew I would hear everything he said. Your faithful leader showed your hand, what else is there?” Her words are clipped, forceful and too damn true.

“What you heard is true. Even if I want to take back every single ounce of them, you’re right.” Garrick gets out as he looks up at the woman he so desperately needs. “But there’s one thing that Xaden never accounts for. Fuck, something that I didn’t either – until you.”

“The reason for getting close may have been bullshit, but the minute you began to pull me into your orbit, it became the opposite – the excuse. The excuse for all the others to stay away, to let me get close to you. And as the days went by, I fell, I never intended to – but I did.”

“And I could have fucking killed Xaden when I found out, when I realized that he blew up every single thing I had because it wasn’t part of his plan.” Garrick rises, his hand coming up to cup the soft skin of her cheek. 

“You were never part of the idea, but gods, now you are my only plan. The only thing that makes sense in this death sentence. The one thing that keeps me wanting to come back home from war, to not be lost to dragon fire and battle.”

Her eyes searched back and forth as she looked up at him. Garrick didn’t know what she was looking for, but he hoped that she found it, hoped she believed how much he needed her. 

“Are you ready to scale the insurmountable mountain of proving that you’re really here because you want to be and not because of some directive?” She challenges, fire lighting up her eyes.

“I will scale anything you put in my way. I refuse to let a stupid fucking directive derail the one thing in my life that’s been only mine. And gods I hope you are still fucking mine.” 

Control is lost as Garrick surges forward, arms lifting her from the floor, wrapping around her waist and tugging her to him. His face gets lost in the crook of her neck, her familiar scent settling him in a way he hasn’t experienced in months. 

"And I'll keep my word, I promise no chocolate cake until you trust me again." Garrick can feel the way her lips quirk in his hair, the one indication that maybe, just maybe, she'll forgive him - eventually.

In that moment, he knows that he’ll protect Tyrrendor, his Duke, the continent, but never at the cost of her. 

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Taglist: @ilovetomtailor@nevermoresworld@nastylicious@iambored24601@mysticalfuncollectorus@sadpieceofbread@alwayshave-faith@bestillmystuckyheart@luvly-writer@yuelhua@mitziix

[quietstormxr]

Here's an out of context WIP Wednesday snippet, just because I love it!

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“I pray to Amari that you never have to see the woman you love beaten and bloodied for your actions. For all the things you never told her. Eye swollen shut because you’re just another traitor. Beautiful face full of cuts and bruises, that even when mended will leave a mark on your soul.” He pauses, letting his words settle between them. “Because no matter what you do, no matter how much time passes, no one and nothing will be able to take that mark away. The mark that your love left on her, and not one of gentle compassion and devotion, one that mars you both.”

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Any thoughts on who's speaking?

[quietstormxr]

Okay, you asked for lllllllloooooooooonnnnnnggggggg, so I hope y'all are all ready to be sat for a while for this one. We are currently at over 33k and just finishing the first trip to Cordyn.....

so, yeah, this may be more like a mini novella, but whatever. 🫠 Besides, Xaddy deserves the love and attention....

Aaaannnyyyway, I also have almost 3k words written on another one for someone I haven't written for before. 👀

And just because it’s Friday, here’s another teaser for Xaden’s POV. Enjoy!

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Blinding white. The only words I can use to describe her smile. The beauty of the picture before me, her smile wide, ear to ear, her happiness contagious even though she sits a dragon’s length away from me on Dhioch’s back. It’s an image I’ll never forget. Her hair down, whipping in the wind, wild and unruly. There’s a freedom for her here, but even though she doesn’t let anything touch her, she still turns, still searches the skies for where I sit on top Sgaeyl. 

I can feel my chest expand. The feeling of warmth coiling softly around my ribcage, enveloping me in a feeling I never want to lose.

Is this what it feels like to truly be in love? To have someone else possess every part of you, every single piece of your soul?

As I continue to watch her and her infectious happiness, laughter echoing through the breeze at the low level we’re flying, I make a silent vow to myself.

I will not lose this. I won’t let her ever tear her love from me. Secrets or not, I can’t miss the wonder that lies in her eyes, and I refuse to let it die. The way that she looks back to me with soft eyes filled with every single sweet emotion I’ve been missing in my life makes every crack and tear in my life worth it.

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[quietstormxr]

Im sure you’re busy writing another great story and I can’t wait to read it! In the meantime, don’t over burn yourself and let’s play a game!

Kiss, marry, kill - Bhodi, Xaden and Garrick? 🤓🤭

*shock* *horror*

Firstly, how could you?!?!? Real answer, I murder myself. These boys are just to precious to my heart.

If you're truly making me play this awful, AWFUL game then...

Marry - is that really a question here? I mean it's obviously Xaden. Gimme that glaring red flag of a man forever.

Fights, explosive. We're talking walking away from each other mad and never backing down because we're both too stubborn. The minute he read my mind, oh man, it would be on once I found out.

But the quiet ways he loves and his penchant for physical touch, I'm yours. Also, he's absolutely loyal AF if he's in love with you. I mean the man would never look at another woman romantically again.

Now for the other two, I'm going to have to use the excuse of what we actually get in canon for my choices. Don't hate me!

Kiss - Garrick. Is it problematic to kiss my husband's best friend, absofuckingloutely...but just imagine the sarcasm war you can start with Garrick against Xaden. I mean I would torture my husband with all of the banter. Ah, it would be glorious and I would get in all kinds of trouble for it, but not sorry for it in the slightest.🤭

As much as I adore Garrick, I think it would be hard to get over his bed hopping, probs the main reason why he's not the marry category.

That only leaves the most devastating of choices of having to kill my sweet little Bodhi. UGH PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME! Everyone needs that caring man to balance out those other two brutes.

The reasoning here is we just don't get enough Bodhi. Rebecca, give us more and I don't mean by making him venin! We know he takes care of his own, but his full personality is completely ignored.

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But really, this was so much fun! If y'all want to send me things like this, please do!

And now it's your turn....who would you choose???

[quietstormxr]

Your writing is so good that i always look forward to your post. I am so waiting for forgotten part 4... My question is will part 4 be xadens pov?? I hope it is.. i want to see his feelings when he saw y/n with drake

So the answer to the above is, YES! It's in Xaden's POV and it will fill in the blanks of what he was doing during the events of 'Home'.

I'm in need of opinions though, we are just about to be finished the first part of the plot of IF and we're sitting at 20k words so far, and we haven't even gotten to Aretia yet.