rabbitears91

[rabbitears91]

I’m “stealth” and all that shit but...

I have an absolute need for the folks I keep in my intimate circle to be educated on, or able to take initiative in becoming educated on basic “gender speak.” Perhaps that makes me snooty but if I’m mashing my genitals against yours with a degree of emotion involved, the genitals I’ve had crafted by an incredibly talented group of surgeons, fuckyeah I’m being picky. This woman I’m enamored with is just straight struggling. I want to feel bad for her but how hard is a Google search? I’m not game to bust out common terms. Queer doesn’t mean transgender, which is often used differently than transsexual; those queer may be so in sexual orientation, gender, both. Queer doesn’t speak to one specific element of one’s identity. Her hesitancy annoys me although it stems, I believe, from a well-meaning place. I think I spent Friday hiding my annoyance for the last time. She’s cute and all but on top of being an unhappily married mother, she makes me uncomfortable. Her job is all about diversity so I have even less patience. I had high expectations (yes, even through the cheating).

Dating, as opposed to hooking up, can be interesting as a post-operative transsexual man but like...this isn’t the combination I’m seeking (obviously), or willing to accommodate.

[rabbitears91]

I think life is pretty fucking regular at the moment; I say this hesitantly as tomorrow something rancid and insane may occur. But tonight things are regular and ordinary.

I’d say my biggest challenge is interpersonal per usual. 

I mean I’m not insanely awkward, or at least I hide my natural default of not knowing what the fuck to do with myself quite well, lol...the person I’m interested in and kind of pursuing is super married and very much a mother. 

I didn’t mean to pursue her. It’s just she looks at me and compliments me. She says I make her feel special and I’m the type of weirdo who eats that shit up. 

[rabbitears91]

I tend to do things that feel like the best idea ever in the dead of night - only to realize my brain was actually off. 

[rabbitears91]

The year is almost over, this is so crazy. 

This year has been crazy in no shortage of the imagination. It’s been scary, rough, surprising, etc. I’ve passed my one year since phalloplasty, earned my Master’s degree, obtained full time employment (I don’t start for another 6 weeks) and started on prep. All of these things have been incredibly meaningful to me for various reasons, most of which I cant talk about IRL.

My life has been pretty normal in many ways since surgery but there have also been moments where I didn’t know if I’d make it to where I am now. I didn’t always voice those things because I know folks worry and this has been my life since I can ever remember so...only in hindsight do things seem crazy, scary, dangerous. 

I’ve had many moments where balancing responsibilities and personal relationships have been exhausting but that’s really just life. I didn’t have a stable housing situation for much of 2017 so I needed to do what would generate money. I’d want to just go to Starbucks or Del Taco for some chili cheese fries, you know? I was trying to wrap up my MA thesis for much of 2017 and stress eating is expensive. 

I had a falling out with a close supporter (we have since sorted our differences out) and in a way, it was what I needed to knock that fucking thesis out once and for all. I had my defense and the eventually it was May and I had my degree!!!

When I was kicked out of a relative’s house I recall being told my education would be something I wouldnt obtain. I totally fucking did it though! I have my MA and nobody or no situation can ever take that knowledge and journey away from me. I undoubtedly need a break from school for the time being but no regrets, surprisingly. I didnt think I would say that when I was trekking through the chapters, the edits, the comments from my committee but here we are :)

My thesis focused on religion, sex, sexuality, identity, etc which was super appropriate for the year and my own sex life. Being further and further out from phalloplasty has really put me out there sexually. I’ve had a lot of sex this year. While it hasn’t all been amazing or even alright, I never in a million years thought this could be my life, should I choose or need it to be so. If my life were different financially, I dont know if this would be my life but today it is, yesterday it has been and I pray to have this same body in case I need it for sex work tomorrow. 

I’ve gotten better about caring for myself though in some ways with regards to sex -- in cultivating working relationships with those I’d like to encounter again while trying to be as safe as possible with those helping me financially, who I may only see once in less than safe environments or circumstances. Which..has been rough. Unfortunately, I’ve had my share of experiences this year where I didn’t consent, which has looked many different ways. I know that can range from physically violent, drugged, intoxicated, changing one’s mind during sex, etc. Two instances I’m ok referring to occured or began at gay clubs in my area. One involved a man busting in the fucking restroom with me. He was drunk and like 60x stronger than me. That wasn’t protected; the other instance I’ll mention was when I was trashed. I knew this guy wanted to dance so we danced and I remember sitting down on the bench on a patio outside the club and then I woke up on the floor of my room, halfway under my air mattress naked. I was terrified because I didn’t know how I got home once I realized I was home, and my ass was really sore. I don’t know if that was protected or not. I didn’t pursue it further beyond not going back to that club. A few others have happened and it’s been a fucking trip to say the least. I am ok; I am dealing with it in the ways I can.

As a result, I’ve tested far more frequently than usual and started on PrEP ( Pre-exposure prophylaxis, Truvada). I had headaches and an upset stomach for several days which resulted in me simply stopping my dosage. I quickly learned those are things I needed to deal with as it beats the alternative of potentially getting HIV.  I started taking it at night rather than in the morning because I cant have headaches at my day job. Some staff members annoy me to great lengths and I can’t deal with that, headaches and shitting more than I ordinarily do. My side-effects have virtually gone away this second time, however. The only difference is the time I take it and that I take it with a vitamin D. 

I notice I’m taking care of myself when I moisturize my rff donor site and take my medication and it’s been two days I’ve skipped out on both which I need to not fucking do. I was having sex with someone yesterday and he was trying to penetrate me without any barriers. I swear I can be so stupid sometimes. I dont care for anal sex on rare occasions, and commonly I fucking hate it. It is not pleasurable for me at all... but the folks I sleep with, esp those who are helping me pay for life, want anal. I finally got up and was like hey, put this on and tried to make it sexy. It worried me I was pretty indifferent for many minutes before it occuring to me that this is my fucking life and this is just a random dick Ive never in my life seen who could have just about anything.. 

I’ve been preoccupied by thoughts that have troubled me but aren’t actually all that troubling in the bigger picture of my life. I mentioned I’ve been employed and it will be full time in a few weeks -- so through this new opportunity I’ve met someone who I’ve technically known for some time now. 

She reminds me of nobody I’ve ever had in my life and that’s kind of a huge inconvenience. I’ve replayed our interactions 8293432 times in hopes of finding what about her has been validating, or affirming, or whatever...that has allowed her to impact me in this way. When I first met her, I noticed her voice and her hair - both are unique in the sea of hair and voices present in our usual gatherings. Now things are rather dramatic and I’m not quite, but basically avoiding her. I’m sorry, I can’t actually like anyone and for certain reasons, I especially can’t like her. But yeah, unfortunately what I’m tripping about most as this 2017 year wraps up isn’t related to surgery or safety or any of that but developing feelings for a woman.

[rabbitears91]

Update

Hey so it's been quite some time since I've posted here. I've been swamped with work and life in general. I've been getting along well with my body, I'm about 16 months post rff phalloplasty with dr chen. After much (relatively private) consideration, I'll be getting an erectile device and testicular implants in late spring/early summer. I'm pretty fucking stoked about that.

I'm applying for funds for entrance into a conference I'll be presenting at so let me knock this out and I'll be back sometime next week, iA to provide a rundown of sensation, scars, pain, sex, etc.

[rabbitears91]

What? Lol

I'd run for the hills.. This feels invalidating as fuck to my gender...why are us men, in the same category as masculine girls but not fellow men?

🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭 I’d rather date a transman or a masculine girl because cisboys are ugly inside/out. 🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭

[rabbitears91]

Bored as hell right now. Constantly applying for more jobs. Oh and Ramadan starts this Friday D: idk if I'm ready tbh

[rabbitears91]

Absolutely. That's very concerning and I'd undoubtedly duck the fuck out 😂

If you’re one of those people who will say shit like, “I don’t date cis men,” you had better not try and date trans men, either.

We aren’t here to be your ~soft boifriend~ who is “better than real men” because we weren’t socialized as oppressive, patriarchal males. Seriously, hearing this sort of rhetoric makes most of us run the fuck away because we have more respect for ourselves than dating people who won’t even allow us the basic courtesy of recognizing us as men.

Fuck right on off with that bullshit.

[rabbitears91]

Skin taken from my leg for my forearm donor site August 2017 I'll be 1 year post op

[rabbitears91]

Yes. All of the above. Ive had sex w/another man without disclosing. I could orgasm from week 5 out. My quality of life has improved IMMENSELY from this life saving surgery 😎

The recovery was quite difficult and I was fortunate enough to not have complications..worth it in my opinion but it's not a walk in the park.

like, i am really really concerned with how much misinformation is spread about bottom surgery: that it isn’t “functional” or won��t ever be as “good” as a cisgender man’s penis (you don’t get to decide what’s “good” or not for another person! that’s a personal decision!), that they aren’t aesthetically pleasing or convincing/that one won’t be able to pass with a phalloplasty or metoidioplasty (wrong! i have read so, so many accounts of post-op trans men having sex without ever having to disclose! also, have y'all ever even seen a photo of a fully-healed phalloplasty result?), or that if you have bottom surgery you’ll lose the ability to orgasm (so, so wrong!!)

and there are SO many guys–and particularly a lot of younger guys who are only connecting w/other trans men here or elsewhere on the internet + have little to no interactions with post-transition guys (and mind you, i say this because that was me like 5 to 7 years ago), since they don’t experience other viewpoints and so are particularly vulnerable to this–who will take all this false info at face value and totally believe it. this is DANGEROUS. it discourages folks from further investigating procedures that, for them, could be life-saving. after seeing so much shit-talk, slander, and disgust on here thrown around about bottom surgery results, i didn’t start doing my own research until about 4 years ago.

please: do your own research before you just accept what someone tells you about surgical procedures, and for the love of g-d, PLEASE stop putting down other people’s results. you do not have the right, and it’s damn cruel–keep it to yourself.

[rabbitears91]

I go to bed saying I’ll hold off on the erectile device and wake up saying I have to at least try.

[rabbitears91]

It’s crazy - I know when I first started out on tumblr I was getting my chest surgery..I had it sooner than planned as a date became available quickly once I got kaiser through medical after being on hormones for a few years. I then had my hysto and phalloplasty. I finished my master’s program. I made lots of strange decisions and also learned much about myself and those around me. I hope to continue to do so. I hope to gain viable employment.

[rabbitears91]

Consult w another doctor today to hear his thoughts on erectile devices and complication rate. Excited but have low expectations. **sidenote: If Ive exchanged phone numbers with anyone, I have had issues with my phone (ie couldnt afford my bill, but can finally pay it today). Wanted to mention this so nobody felt like I blocked or ignored you lol.

[rabbitears91]

I think mid-May will mark 9 months since my first stage of rff phalloplasty with dr. mang chen of brownstein and crane surgical services. i can’t say enough positives about dr. chen and his microsurgery team, but in particular dr brian parrett. I had my surgery with the “new” microsurgeons and am very pleased with the aesthetics of my new member, for those anxious about this “new” team.

I will hopefully return to post on recovery and my arm scar, as many seem to be curious about all of that – and understandably so; however, this post is focused upon “hooking up” or “sexual encounters” in my experience being post-op downstairs.

Proceed with caution: I will use several terms that may make some uncomfortable though I do so as to not cause any confusion or greyness on what I am speaking of.

So firstly, what’s up, down there? I had a vaginectomy so there is no longer a vaginal opening.  My junk that grew on hormones is buried in the base of my dick. I can feel it near my scrotum as well as in the base. I could orgasm since week 5 with sensations felt in this area. I had glansplasty (the creation of a defined head) in late feb. of 2017. This is to say it was NOT done in the first stage. My surgeon says doing it after stage 1 gives it a better opportunity to not flatten out. It has not flattened out yet so woo-fucking-who J I cannot get erect naturally. I will not be able to get erect unless I get a surgically implanted erectile device. I am not sure if I will. I do have a scrotum but no testicular implants. The scrotum looks ideal (for me personally, folks) in that it resembles a cisgender male’s scrotum. I do plan to get testicular implants in September. So in summary: dick, ball sac, no erections naturally, no balls inside my ball sac. Nothing really “different” about what comprises my anatomy down there.

I had experienced a breakup shortly before going into phallo. My ex accompanied me to my surgery still and made a more final break in the final days of our stay in the Bay (san francisco area of California). We have not been intimate since my recovery. She cared for the recovery of my junk in the early weeks.

I have had numerous partners (1 female, multiple others male) since recovering. While exploring grindr, many are actually displeased that I am post-op and seem to have been more excited when they assumed I had the female junk I was born with. Undoubtedly interesting on a gay chat, date, hookup app.  I have had many other experiences where men want to meet up and want to exchange oral sex or penetrate me anally (again, I cant get erect naturally). Some want to hear about my surgery details and want to meet up or simply want to hear because they can’t g o o g l e. Many request pictures, sometimes I send and other times I block, while other times I simply say no.  There is no formula, it all just depends on my mood.

I’ve had encounters from social scenes where I’ve got reactions such as “let’s do this” to “let’s end it here.”

It’s still a process of sharing to a degree and worrying whether folks are put off by the idea of me being a transsexual altogether, regardless of anatomy. There’s still plenty of assumptions. It isn’t always about simply having a dick lol. The idea of being trans sometimes has influenced whether folks want to take it further (or if on an app, whether they want to meet up).

Presently I seem to be talking to far more men than women. It’s rare a woman captures my interest. I don’t know if it’s because I am attracted to men or because it’s affirming to attract men who exclusively like men, who tend to be far more visual….and to have folks only attracted to men be excited about my junk is affirming as hell. I’ve had others love my junk pre-op but I didn’t love it and that’s what didn’t work. I didn’t love it 24/7, not just during hookups or sex in a committed relationship... I haven’t gotten into anything serious for several reasons – one being I’m enjoying this fun. It’s certainly liberating and post-op, I am without as much apprehension of telling the sparknotes of what’s up down there; pre-op, OMG so much fear in disclosing..NOT SO MUCH because folks would reject me (read: many are very excited about pre-op or non-op junk) but because I wasn’t comfortable or even remotely ok with my pre-op junk. Since being cleared for sexual activities, I realized I was hit with an IMMENSE freedom. I did some dangerous things where I’d drink ridiculous amounts and end up not remembering who I came home with, who was with me when I woke up. It just felt good to be embraced and recognized as an ordinary gay man. It felt amazing to do all types of things now that I’m physically existing in a way that makes sense to myself, I wanted to catch up in a way, on all these adventures of knowing myself through these sexual undertakings.

Just like being pre-op, my mileage varied regarding who was down to date/mess around and that hasn’t changed. What has changed is my confidence, so more folks end up YES rather than NO. It is apparent I have this sense of knowing myself and not hesitating to meet this person or that person on a sexual level and allow stuff to happen. I felt so much more shy and ashamed pre-op. It was if I didn’t have the language to participate in conversation pre-op, whereas now I have mastery of the vocabulary, I’m armed with a dictionary and personality to maintain conversation. If you’re operating fine with your junk that is untouched by surgery, I say keep it. Bc these surgeries have recoveries that are really NO FUCKING JOKE. While I do compare my junk to that of other men’s (ie my comment about the sac CLOSELY resembling that of cisgender males), that kind of thinking is far from my mind when getting sexual with others, especially men. It is an awesome result compared to my pre-op junk; however, for those considering and those post-op can likely agree, it isn’t the dick of a cisgender male and never will be. It has its downsides if compared besides a cisgender male’s dick but because I was struggling so severely with my pre-op junk, I absolutely love my dick. It’s been a gift of life. Not because the hookups, bc you will always get rejection regardless of what you’re packing…but because my confidence, knowing and coming into myself now that my junk matches that which I’ve known and I’ve needed is finally a reality.

[rabbitears91]

It's been a minute...

I will be 5 months post-op stage 1 rff phalloplasty with dr. chen of brownstein and crane in sf, ca in 2 weeks. My left donor arm is back to it's original abilities of function. I do not experience any pain in my arm, wrist or hand. I wear a compression sleeve to flatter the border of my scar which causes my hand to swell some (nothing as drastic as it swelled within the first month). I wear a customized compression glove for that every blue moon if I remember. I moisturize my scar several times/day and I must say it's looking great most days. I am excited to tattoo over it in the next year or so. I am advised to wear the compression garment for 18 full months from my date of surgery. I had 1 urethral fistula which has closed around month 2 or 2.5 post-op. Swelling is gone and I love how my junk looks. I pee freely without issue. I have increasing erotic sensation on the shaft. I can feel my original anatomy through my sac as well as when I touch certain parts of my shaft and base. I could orgasm through different activities for a good while now. I experience soreness every blue moon in the vaginectomy area. I jog lightly but do nothing strenuous. I will return at the end of Feb for my glansplasty and scrotal revision. I love how my sac turned out except it leans to one side and I'd love it even more when we get that squared away. At this point I do plan to get an erectile device to allow for greater possibilities of expressing myself sexually. This device would be placed with my testicular implants at a later date following my Feb surgery. If folks have qs, dont hesitate to approach me! I had my entire surgery covered as a medi-cal patient on kaiser. I paid for lodging and day to day expenses and was reimbursed. We paid maybe $3000 or so but had quite the time fitting into a tiny airbnb and living on the CHEAP CHEAP.

[rabbitears91]

Ive been on gel since Sept. Only drawback so far is that I have to apply daily. I switched after phallo bc for some reason I developed significant anxiety around the needle during my recovery. I told my endo I wanted to explore non-injection options.

Does anybody take non-injected T? Like a patch, gel, pill, subcutaneous, literally anything else? How did you get on it? Does it have any major drawbacks compared to shots? I really hate needles so pls tell me anything you know

[rabbitears91]

being single again is weird. So far I’ve encountered 2 people...one gave me a number and I learned they have far too much baggage and are looking for a daddy to help them carry it. My mentor emphasized to absolutely not look for a child in a grown person’s body but rather a partner. She said don’t take any shit so shit I will not take. It sucked to cut the person off because the flirting was fun. So today I was in the city of my undergrad and I ran into a girl I used to talk to. I literally forgot all about her and she probably forgot all about me. She was fun but like I panicked once when I asked her out..so what did I do? I invited basically the whole school as to discourage her belief that it was a date. I was a fucking asshole..but yeah, she said I should hit her up so I deleted her number back in the day so hit up a buddy in hopes he still has the same number. Now I’m day drinking and studying at a wing spot.