rainbowsnow222 - Tumblr blog

rainbowsnow222 · 4 months ago

Text

Vent, don’t read if you’ll be triggered.

I don’t know why but I cut myself. I don’t even have a reason to, I have a good life, my teachers say I’m smart and I’ll excel in life, my parents make sure I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge, I get presents on birthdays and Christmas and I have friends! I don’t know why but I just like the pain. Even when I was a little kid I would indirectly hurt myself, I would hit myself with rulers or slide open safety scissors across my arms (it wouldn’t leave cuts but it would leave a burning/stinging feeling and that was good enough for 4-7 year old me ig) , I’d pick at scabs just so I could bleed again, I would be constantly scratching myself until I had red inflamed patches on my skin just for the sake of it, I’d bite the inside of my cheeks until they bled almost everyday, I’d make my brother angry and antagonise him until he’d punch me hard enough to leave bruises. I don’t know why but I just did it. Around September last year my mum bought me some razor shavers because I didn’t have any (I was 13. My mum has a habit of not getting me basic toiletries and stuff unless I asked her, I only just got a proper bra last October but I’ve been wearing sports bras since I was 8 (oh and I’m turning 14 in three days! 😼) because she ‘wanted me to be prepared’, I relied on 4 pairs of period pants each month for almost a year when I first got my period, now I use three to four a day, it was so uncomfortable and I would bleed everywhere (not even in the nice way) and it was gross and I hated it, I’ve never even worn a pad or a tampon before. Bit suspish right?) when I first got it I shaved everywhere and I loved it, my family didn’t. They said I shouldn’t shave my arms because it’ll grow back thicker and I’d have to shave them the rest of my life, I like shaving, it’s like the hairs there on second and gone the next, I’d be so down to shaving my arms for the rest of my life. I did accidentally cut myself with the razor but I ignored it the first time. Then I found myself sitting in bed and watching American dad my tv (it’s one of the only things they have on at like 1 am, other than naked attraction but I saw enough of that when I was younger lol, probably going to talk about that in another vent if I stick around that long) and I just wanted to feel something, everything felt so unreal the weeks leading up to it, I had a panic attack in the bath a few weeks prior and had been going thru a depressive episode (I think?) ever since (it went away for a little bit last week but now the thoughts are coming back) so I just was going thru it. I decided I was going to cut myself. I’m not dumb, I know how to do it so I won’t get caught. I got my razor and a bottle of water that I filled up with water from the tap in my bathroom (I can’t leave my room unless it’s to go to the bathroom, if my family woke up from my noise then it would be easier to explain I was just going to the bathroom) and brought a roll of toilet paper back. I got one of my razors and slid it sideways across the back of my wrist (not near the veins, I’m not trying to die, just feel something real) and I went over and over until I was bleeding and then I’d dab it with damp toilet paper (I dipped it in the water) and then I’d cover it with some dry paper and I’d move along my wrist, I spent about three hours on this (and it was a school day next too so that sucked!) since it was turning winter it’s more acceptable for me to wear hoodies without being questioned so it was smart for timing (thanks bad thoughts, good timing) and my school uniform has blazers all year round so that covers my arms at school. Oh and after I finished I’d just go back to the bathroom and flush all the bloodied paper away.(also razors are inconspicuous because I can just put them back with my toiletries and any blood on them can be just from an accident whilst shaving, it’s perfect.)

I didn’t do anything for about a month,I felt good enough. But then I had another night, watching tv late at night, I felt empty. I did the same thing but this time on my right bicep (haha muscles) and cut there. It made more sense, I had a close call with someone almost spotting a low down (near my hand) cut slipping just out of the cover of my jumper and decided that I could just wear shirts, i didn’t need to wear jumpers and it’d be less suspicious for me to just wear T-shirts like normal. I had no close calls. I felt really good so I went at my right bicep a few times that month.

then a few weeks later I was watching tv late again, i didn’t even I think about not cutting, I just went straight to my usual method. I decided it’d be even smarter to cut on my thigh, like I mentioned earlier it was getting to winter and I’m more of a ‘if it’s autumn, I will wear trousers for the next 8 months’ type of person so my thigh was so perfect. I cut and cut and cut and cut and cut, I cut the most I ever did, I cut for about five hours and didn’t get any sleep that night. Of course I pretended to wake up when my dad came into my room to get me up for school. Weirdly school was good that day,I didn’t even feel tired.

I felt good for a lot more weeks (like 6! The longest I’ve gone since I started) but then another night happened (the ones where I’m watching tv late), I went to cut at my thigh (since it’s a good place) but I just couldn’t find the motivation to keep going after (I think) 4 cuts, I wanted to but I just couldn’t I was too exhausted to even cut and that scared me so I just put all my stuff away and sat on my bed and cried myself to sleep.

about a month later I tried again but still just couldn’t find the motivation, the most recent one was early February and as I’m writing this it’s the 17th. It’s been a while and I have more motivation but I don’t want to have motivation, I need a different way.

Does anyone have any tips on anything I can do for different ways to hurt myself but not as bad?

#help?

1 note · View note