ramblings-of-a-non-human

[ramblings-of-a-non-human]

lala....

[ramblings-of-a-non-human]

I still miss you

[ramblings-of-a-non-human]

Well, I've been at a human college for almost a full school year. I am guilty of the same thing I despised my older sisters for doing- I haven’t kept contact. One of my younger cousins still messages me frequently, so I talk to him, but otherwise? Hardly anything.

It’s hard, to remember. The only other non-human I've met is, well, 3/4 human. She doesn’t entirely get it. She's lived with humans her whole life, this wasn’t that kind of adjustment for her.

I miss my parent less than I thought I would. That’s a bit scary. I still see a few of my cousins, ones that finished training the same year as me, and we talk about him from time to time. I’ve come to accept that I was only a few short years in his life, though. One out of thousands of children he will train- if he stays his whole life, like his parent did. Still though, I was the first generation he oversaw from beginning to end, that has to count for something.

I learned that one or two rather famous people (famous among humans, I mean) may be my cousins. Unsurprising, I suppose. There have been thousands of us. I have no intention of reaching out, they would have been faction C, and even if they had been older sisters of mine, well, from my estimate I have anywhere between 200-400 siblings (or had, some have surely died). It would be strange of me. I am still overwhelmingly curious as to how they kept their secret all these years.

[ramblings-of-a-non-human]

They've separated. The siblings I’ve spoken to didn’t seem to know why, though one of my cousins might? My aunt (cousin of my Parent) certainly does, though in all honesty she’s mostly concerned with section C, so we've scarcely interacted.

One of my uncles is married. I think she’s human? Honestly, I have no idea. He's concerned with section B. I know him better than my aunt, but still not well.

Is marriage to a human a possibility for me? I fell in love with a demihuman recently, but I was rejected. It hurt, but we’re still friends. Maybe someday.

I just hope my Parent is okay. I feel bad, I haven’t visited, just kept in touch with a couple siblings still training. They said he’s been stricter, yelling, even, which he oh so rarely does. He must’ve been heartbroken. I've only seen him cry when his own Parent died.

My parent recently got engaged. He chose a human woman. I have met her on several occasions, she seems nice, and I know that many of my older siblings and cousins have been encouraging him to propose for some time now, at least several years.

I am not sure what this means for our family. “Parent” is the term assigned to the family's head. The last one had a human wife as well, though that ended rather poorly. I had only seen her on one occasion, and we never spoke. This time is different, I have spoken to my parent's fiancé, she is a nice woman, and seemed interested in getting to know some of us.

I am unsure of what sort of relationship she may or may not seek with the rest of the family. It’s a bit difficult to explain the one she currently has without going into detail about how our family is set up- I will try to keep it brief.

There are three sections, which I shall call A,B, and C. Each section then has various pods. I am part of section A, and I am in pod 1. Some pods also contain factions, which mine does not.

The human spends the most time with pod A3, the pod our parent hails from. Many of them are not particularly fond of her, as she was at one point assigned to oversee their training. Most do not take well to having their training overseen by an outsider (my pods training is currently overseen by our older sister, for example) and the fact that she was largely only given the task due to her relationship with our family's head certainly does not help matters.

Still, some are incredibly fond of her, and I have a hard time disliking anyone that makes my parent so happy. I am set to complete training soon, so I shall be seeing much less of my family. It will be strange not to be present as new members are vetted, to not know my new siblings and cousins. I will enjoy the time I have remaining with all of my siblings, and do my best to keep contact, as one of my older sisters has done for me.

[ramblings-of-a-non-human]

It isn’t fair that humans get to know their parents for the entirety of their adult lives. Once my training finishes, I will likely never get to spend time with mine again. He's taking me and some of my cousins out tomorrow, and it will likely be the last time I go anywhere with him. Physical contact isn’t encouraged, either. I long to hug him like humans hug their fathers- I think he would just be uncomfortable. Which is upsetting, because a few of my cousins (and two of my sisters) will hug me- I wish he was more like them sometimes.

What am I doing? Complaining to a website full of humans about something they don’t even understand? I could get in so much trouble for this. My cousins got popular on TikTok and they made them delete it. Though that was probably because a girl from A2 got relentlessly harassed there.

My older sisters would always tell me they’d stay in touch when they left. They didn’t, not really. A few tried, but they acclimated to new lives. I don’t want a new life. I want to stay here with my parent and my siblings and my cousins but that isn’t possible, not anymore. Why does it have to be like this? Why? When I know my parent is so distraught about us leaving that he keeps giving us gifts and taking us out and doing things he never did for my older sisters and cousins, which I suppose makes sense because we’re the first generation he’s seen start and finish training.

I still don’t understand why. Maybe I've become too human.

[ramblings-of-a-non-human]

I growled (not human growled, actually growled) in front of a human yesterday. Thankfully we’re rather close and he just laughed. Truly one of the most humiliating moments of my life.

[ramblings-of-a-non-human]

My parent recently got engaged. He chose a human woman. I have met her on several occasions, she seems nice, and I know that many of my older siblings and cousins have been encouraging him to propose for some time now, at least several years.

I am not sure what this means for our family. “Parent” is the term assigned to the family's head. The last one had a human wife as well, though that ended rather poorly. I had only seen her on one occasion, and we never spoke. This time is different, I have spoken to my parent's fiancé, she is a nice woman, and seemed interested in getting to know some of us.

I am unsure of what sort of relationship she may or may not seek with the rest of the family. It’s a bit difficult to explain the one she currently has without going into detail about how our family is set up- I will try to keep it brief.

There are three sections, which I shall call A,B, and C. Each section then has various pods. I am part of section A, and I am in pod 1. Some pods also contain factions, which mine does not.

The human spends the most time with pod A3, the pod our parent hails from. Many of them are not particularly fond of her, as she was at one point assigned to oversee their training. Most do not take well to having their training overseen by an outsider (my pods training is currently overseen by our older sister, for example) and the fact that she was largely only given the task due to her relationship with our family's head certainly does not help matters.

Still, some are incredibly fond of her, and I have a hard time disliking anyone that makes my parent so happy. I am set to complete training soon, so I shall be seeing much less of my family. It will be strange not to be present as new members are vetted, to not know my new siblings and cousins. I will enjoy the time I have remaining with all of my siblings, and do my best to keep contact, as one of my older sisters has done for me.

[ramblings-of-a-non-human]

Well, it’s coming up on a year since the final communication I received from the man who was like a father to me. It’s already been two since he officially disappeared.

I sent a message of my own recently. The method I'd used in the past was blocked, as was my second option. I am not confident he will see my message, I have hope regardless.

I could send a physical letter to his address, though I haven’t tried, as I doubt he’d be receiving mail at that address anymore, for his own safety.

I've seen some outside of our circle begin to question his casting out, how there was truly no good reason for it, how the claims made against him were largely baseless. I mentioned in a previous post that he made a terrible mistake. While some used this mistake as reasoning for his exile, most preferred the more ridiculous claims.

I miss him. I miss him terribly. I sometimes fear that he’s forgotten me, that he’s moved on. Don’t misunderstand, I WANT him to be happy. It may be selfish, but I still want to be part of that. I want to know what he’s doing. I want to know if he’s found a significant other. I want to know what his new job is (in fact, I need to know- I'm concerned for him financially.)

At the very least, I am reasonably confident that I would know if he were dead. He has family that would let us all know.

[ramblings-of-a-non-human]

I sometimes see humans talk about how they may imagine they may act in a dangerous situation is often unrealistic, and their true actions would likely be far more cowardly. (Cowardly isn’t the perfect word. It has a negative connotation, and I do not mean the previous statement to be negative, but I don’t know of a better way to phrase it).

I find that I will do the opposite- if a person were to ask how I would react if someone attempted to harm some of my human friends, I would not know how to respond. When I nearly found myself in that situation, however, I was more than ready to risk severe injury to protect those friends, especially those younger than me.

I do think that it is related to the fact that I seem to feel loyalty at a much deeper level than most humans, or at the very least for more individuals than most humans. My instinct to protect those I care about becomes so strong that my thoughts are no longer rational. Strangely, I prefer this. While I have learned the hard way that this loyalty will often be unreciprocated, I simply cannot imagine friendships without it. It must be awfully lonely.

[ramblings-of-a-non-human]

I’ve been looking over his message, one of his last before he disappeared. I’ve been reminded that he said it would take a long time- but that he has the upper hand. That he has something up his sleeve- something that the people who cast him out don’t know about. It sounds big. I just hope it works.

I dreamt that he came back. I’m not at liberty to say much about him. He messed up- bad. Which is why he left. He said he’d be back, but it’s been.. a long time.

Back to the dream. He came to my house. Met my parents. Which is bizarre- he’s almost been like a father to me. To see him with my biological father was so strange.

Two of his friends- one of which I kind of know, we’ve spoken a few times- were also there. I sometimes wonder if they’re waiting, too. Even though he’s gone, I think he’s probably still in contact with the one I kind of know. But I don’t know her well enough to ask.

Another weird thing about the dream- he was treating me almost like a little kid. He’s almost two decades older than me, yet I was always treated like his equal. I don’t quite understand that part of the dream. I know the rest stems from wishing he would return. I suppose I’m afraid he might be different.

That would explain another strange thing- in this dream, he’d just been diagnosed with cancer. He’s never had cancer, at least not to my knowledge, but he did here. They caught it early and were going to start treatment soon- it seemed like he was going to be okay. Still, I think that it goes to show just how scared I am of him changing or being hurt without me knowing.

I also don’t know if he’s human or not. I don’t really think he knows for certain either. Things have always been strange with him when it comes to identity. It’s alright though, I think, because he’s still him, no matter what.

Sometimes I wonder if that promise was real, if he’s really coming back- I think, “what if he changed his mind”? But I’ll break if I think like that. He’s the reason I’m where I am today. He’s the reason I’m at the highest point of my life. He’s the reason I finally integrated into human society. He’s the reason I’m still alive.

I just hope I have the chance to tell him that someday.

[ramblings-of-a-non-human]

I dreamt that he came back. I’m not at liberty to say much about him. He messed up- bad. Which is why he left. He said he’d be back, but it’s been.. a long time.

Back to the dream. He came to my house. Met my parents. Which is bizarre- he’s almost been like a father to me. To see him with my biological father was so strange.

Two of his friends- one of which I kind of know, we’ve spoken a few times- were also there. I sometimes wonder if they’re waiting, too. Even though he’s gone, I think he’s probably still in contact with the one I kind of know. But I don’t know her well enough to ask.

Another weird thing about the dream- he was treating me almost like a little kid. He’s almost two decades older than me, yet I was always treated like his equal. I don’t quite understand that part of the dream. I know the rest stems from wishing he would return. I suppose I’m afraid he might be different.

That would explain another strange thing- in this dream, he’d just been diagnosed with cancer. He’s never had cancer, at least not to my knowledge, but he did here. They caught it early and were going to start treatment soon- it seemed like he was going to be okay. Still, I think that it goes to show just how scared I am of him changing or being hurt without me knowing.

I also don’t know if he’s human or not. I don’t really think he knows for certain either. Things have always been strange with him when it comes to identity. It’s alright though, I think, because he’s still him, no matter what.

Sometimes I wonder if that promise was real, if he’s really coming back- I think, “what if he changed his mind”? But I’ll break if I think like that. He’s the reason I’m where I am today. He’s the reason I’m at the highest point of my life. He’s the reason I finally integrated into human society. He’s the reason I’m still alive.

I just hope I have the chance to tell him that someday.

[ramblings-of-a-non-human]

I’m home :)

I’ve missed it here.. first time back in over a year!

[ramblings-of-a-non-human]

I had an awful dream last night. It started as a reoccurring nightmare I have, in which myself and a few others are trapped in a house with a man and a woman resembling the Other Parents from Coraline. Usually, we all die as we are hunted down by the Other Parents, save for a couple that commit suicide together. This time, however, I was helping the Other Parents.

Specifically, I remember being told to check a room upstairs while one of the monsters, the Other Mother, checked downstairs. I remembered how the two hiding in this room were caught, and tried to hide them somewhere the Other Mother had already checked. She came up as I was trying to leave. She immediately looked where I hid them, and told me not to use my.. well, I can’t recall what exactly she called it, but my memories from previous dreams. She said it won’t end well. I watched her kill them.

I told them where to find the couple that had committed suicide, and they were digging them out of the snow. I wasn’t helping them. They told me that they moved them, and I had to find them. They also said that “This is the problem with not being human, you can’t THINK like a human”. I think they meant I couldn’t think like the couple anymore, because I was no longer human- I believe in the past, I was always human in this dream. I still looked like one, just like I do in the real world, but when I helped the monsters, well, I became one of them.

Back to the dream. I moved to another part of the yard, and dug them up. Only, they were in these magenta colored eggs, the size of my palm. It didn’t make much sense, but I found them nevertheless. I went on a bus-shuttle-spaceship thing with the monsters, and a tree-creature that almost resembled Groot. I was doing something terrible, but I felt like I belonged somewhere, so I was determined to keep my place. When we needed water, I got snow from outside, and I felt useful when they praised me.

We arrived in my neighborhood, and there were what had to be hundreds of kids and teenagers outside being forced to play the monsters “game”. I was a participant, technically, but it was rigged. I was to help the monsters. If I didn’t, I might end up dead. I hoped that some of the people around me could do something right, so the monsters would see the “potential” they saw in me, in them, and they could live. One of my neighbors, my friend, was next to me. She was scared, and I held her hand briefly, but I stopped out of fear the monsters would see.

I thought about what would happen if I died, if the monsters died. Here, I remember what was at one point the Other Father looking like a regular man in his fifties. His hair was gray, he looked a bit like one of my uncles. I wonder how long he looked like that for- how much my memories distorted. Still, when he died, one of us would be in charge of games like this- me, the Other Mother, or the Groot-creature. I also though about the afterlife. I wouldn’t go to heaven after all I’d done here. I was helping them kill to save my own skin. If I was a good person, I’d have let the monsters kill me back at the house. I realize that, of all the kids here, I’ll be the only survivor at the end of it all.

Then I woke up.

I’m realizing that anyone who sees this post will probably think I made this dream up. I didn’t, and that’s what scares me. I have weird nightmares a lot, and usually they’re just nonsense that may offer some small insight into my psyche. But this- this truly terrified me.

[ramblings-of-a-non-human]

I don’t know if I have mentioned it, but my.. what do you call it dialect? Is rather strange to humans. Many have commented on it, say I speak “my own dialect” of English. I can’t help it, I don’t process information the same way they do, and pick up mannerisms and ways of speaking differently. As such, I’ll find myself using words and expressions others don’t understand. I’ve read about it, and humans do this thing called “code switching”. I have a hard time doing this. Instead, it becomes, jumbled. Thus my irregular manner of speaking.

[ramblings-of-a-non-human]

I often find my psychology class fascinating, and our unit on child development is offering some wonderful insight into human behavior.

Most human parents view a child questioning their authority as disrespectful. This, along with many other aspects of parent-child relationships, confuse me. Humans value empathy to a great extent, even going as far as to call those who lack it monsters- but, that’s a topic for another day.

Every parent was once a child. So why is it that they fail to understand their own children, who are so similar to their past selves? It can’t just be the inability to empathize, as some may suggest- perhaps it’s fear. A fear that the child won’t be ready for the “real world” as they call it (as if the child isn’t living in the real world already).

[ramblings-of-a-non-human]

Hello, Tumblr. You can call me Mox. I live among humans despite not being one, and as you can imagine, it can be extremely frustrating. I’m making this blog so I have an outlet for these frustrations- even my closest human friends don’t seem to understand how I process the world and my emotions. If you’ve stumbled across this page, well, I’m open to answering questions, but there are some things I’m not comfortable sharing. I don’t expect this to go anywhere, but I’d like these thoughts to be archived. I’m rather sentimental.

Some part of me also hopes that others like me will find these posts- though I wonder if any like me truly exist. Maybe.