ramblingsbyrhi - Tumblr blog

[ramblingsbyrhi]

some spoilt brat type wall of words

What I’m about to write isn’t going to be pleasant or enjoyable or uplifting in any way, shape or form, so consider yourself fairly warned before you complain about my whinging as the ability to stop reading is entirely yours.

This stems from the troubles I’m having with my iphone.. hear me out, a web has begun. I’ve had iphones since I was 17, I’ve been through a few of them. I’ve never had major problems though until recently when my camera started malfunctioning for absolutely no apparent reason. At first it was only through apps and then the actual camera itself started shaking and wobbling, so any time I wish to take a photo I have to use the front camera. Which I understand is absolutely the biggest first world problem, but still, I paid over a thousand dollars for a product that I expect to work for a very long time, not for a couple of years then “HEY! We’re releasing unnecessary new products.. oh, whats that? Your phone broke? Well, my! How convenient!”.

Then the classic YOU ARE LOW ON STORAGE annoying as all fuck message started appearing contiiiinually no matter how many things I went through and got rid of (funny how it used to hold over 1000 photos and now it struggles at 5.. just saying is all). I thought, okay, I’ll try the update, that might fix a few bugs, right? Wrong. Try as I might, the iOS update WOULD. NOT. INSTALL. for various reasons, including but not limited to: lack of storage, no internet connection (the wifi was full, hmm), ERROR *insert some number that I googled how to fix, to no avail*, and pretty much no reason at all, just “failed.” Thanks Apple, I really appreciate those hours of my life you wasted. No, really, I probably wouldn’t have done anything productive with them anyway and the anger inspires me.

Everyone’s saying things to me like “Ohhh my god rhi, why don’t you just get the new phone when it comes out?!”. Yeah, that’s all well and good for the average Joe Blow who doesn’t mind the monthly hundred dollar bill. And you know what? That was me not all that long ago. In fact, earlier this year I did try to update my phone and plan however had a MAAASSSSSIVEEE battle with optus who a. sent me the wrong phone b. could not help me in getting the right phone c. agreed to cancel it and nevermind the upgrade because I was over it by then and they said they’d send me a satchel to return the phone in d. never sent me the satchel e. instead sent me a fifteen hundred dollar bill f. finally understood why I didn’t deserve the bill and sent me a satchel g. sent me more ridiculous bills h. sent some debt collecting company after me i. FINALLY helped me get to the bottom of why the fuck I was being sent the bill j. FIIINNALLY agreed to me paying thirty dollars and the account’d be settled k. didn’t bother clearing things up with the debt collectors who wouldn’t leave me alone no matter how many times I explained to them that I literally owed no money as it was Optus’ wrongdoing (I was given various instructions as to clearing my dads [oh yeah, to make matters worse optus refused to put the phone into my name but were more than happy to have me open up a new plan under it] name by several employees of this company, none of which worked).  BIG BREATH. So in the end I was glad because instead of paying almost a hundred per month to have a flash new phone, I kept my (what WAS) in-perfect-condition existing phone, and saved money by only paying for the calls and data etc. per month.  So now my response to the upgrading suggestion is why? Why should I have to pay more money because of something I already paid a lot of money for that isn’t working, when it should be in order? Why would I pay thousands of dollars for something, only to have to pay thousands more to replace it when it should last, being worth a thousand dollars and all? What the fuck? CONSUMERISM IS INCREDIBLE!

So you can imagine my feelings towards Apple and Optus right now. Which got me thinking about how reliant we are on these absolute piece of shit companies who cannot get it together despite how large they are and how many people have come to depend on them. DEPEND. It’s true, it really can’t be denied. We have come to RELY on always having phones and internet with us, one hundred percent of the time. I toyed with the idea of not having a mobile, because fuck it and fuck them taking all my money for me to still lose. Plus, 10 years ago I got by fine without having one so why can’t I now? And that’s the thing. I’m honestly starting to feel like as a society who have been spoilt with technology, we have become so dependent on it and every single thing we could need being accessible, that it would be weird and at least difficult to live without. Imagine my boss when I tell her I don’t have a mobile anymore, and she’d have to call me in on my home phone (which yes, we do have, but I know many people now do not. WHAT?? HOW?! because on the internet they are RELIANT!). I can’t imagine she’d be very pleased if I were out doing groceries or at the gym or, I don’t know, just enjoying my day off, and she needed me to come in ASAP but I was not at home to answer her phone call. But that’s how things worked not all that long ago, people lived that way and dealt with it. And imagine if I had no/no access to social media. How would I make friends or remain in contact with people, or start “talking” to a guy? That’s how it goes now, isn’t it? You meet or hear of someone you take an interest in, and straight to facebook or Instagram you go, and the rest is history. We joke about it, but it’s true! Is there another way people get to know each other now? Do people even text anymore now that everyone’s all over messenger?? TEN YEARS AGO PEOPLE!!! Life honestly changed in the blink of a fucking eye. A generation ago people kept in contact without all this shit, and they managed to marry and have babies and maintain lifelong friendships! CRAZY. I honestly feel like if the internet and social media were stripped away we’d be beside ourselves (especially those who go t rid of their home phones ;) ).

It’s all too easy and far too accessible. You really can find out too much about someone so quickly now, I imagine privacy and its definition will soon work itself into language of history alongside all that Shakespeare mumble that I regretfully do not understand. And I thoroughly believe that not only is our reliance on the ease and accessibility overall negative, but as is the impact it has upon everyone’s mentality and relationships. Or, what relationships have become with the bittersweet evolution of the www. Which would be what? What are they? What do young, and even older people want these days in regards to a relationship? Let me rattle off a few ideas, great suggestion you! The term “facebook official” is no longer a joke, it’s become a serious indicator about everyone’s status, which, is now apparently the business of everyone they know and a few randoms they’ve accepted in their friend requests along the way. Once two people’s relationship is officially recognised on the FB, I think they’re supposed to chuck up a few pics (ones with kisses on cheeks and selfies in adventurous looking locations, so people know they’re blossoming) and tag each other in emotional statuses, and memes of course. That way everyone can monitor that they’re still happily in love and evolving as a couple. Instagram pics a must as well, and a little mention of each other or at least the inclusion of each other’s initials in the little bio are also a standard requirement I believe. And that way, once the pics stop being uploaded or are deleted, along with the initials and the “SHARE WITH: PUBLIC” relationship status, everyone can know that things didn’t quite work out and they’ve dived back in with the other fish and considered a potential catch until they decide to have a bite of the next one, and the process repeats.

And repeats. And repeats. Or, doesn’t repeat. Because all of that really IS a huge commitment. Like, not only is keeping up appearances online an awful big exercise, but so is the stuff from the olden days that unfortunately we’re still supposed to do a little bit of, like spend genuine time with your SO, surprise them with gifts and flowers, introduce them to your family, begin your futures together, not jack off over other people’s instagrams, commit. Oh, my apologies, how silly of me to suggest that nan and pop jacked off over other people’s instagrams! Hahaha. No, back then these factors never came into play, because they didn’t exist. And by no means am I saying that pop never had a look up another girls ankle length skirt as she paraded up the staircase with a boy from out of town at the local dance, hell, he probably did that several times. PER DANCE. Or flirted with the bar lady at the pub after work, before he came home to nan’s incredible cooking and kept home. But he didn’t get the barmaid’s name, he didn’t look her up on facebook later and sneakily chat with her on MESSENGER while nan did the washing up god bless her. He went home and they became your grandparents because they committed to each other, despite nan checking out the milkman’s bum as he trekked back up the driveway of a morning, or pop watching the perky young woman next door whose bedroom window was positioned in his viewing favour.

They didn’t have the ease of access that we have not only taken for granted, but have let shape us in shitty ways. I truly feel like, and disagree if you want but I know it exists, we’ve become so used to accessing unlimited amounts of people, that we’re always wanting more. If Beyonce is going to get cheated on, who won’t? Is cheating nowadays even the same as it was twenty years ago? Ten years? Is flirting and or exchanging nudes over snapchat cheating? Because nothing physical happened, right? People these days ask for “nudes” (and I can say this with experience) before hardly getting the name of the nude-ee, and I can only imagine the number of requests sent to various people, and the variety they’ve seen, or unfortunately kept. With accessibility comes a massive lack of respect, and it has to go without saying that the concept of respect, and where it is given and deserved, has changed dramatically since pop first kissed nan’s hand at the dance. A “nude” back then would’ve had to have been strategically photographed, developed, enveloped, stamped, sent, waited for, received, and then cherished and kept under the bed, whereas now one could’ve requested and received ten different ones in the time it took me to write this fucking sentence, and even sent two on to his or her equally tasteless mates.

Not to mention the fact that he or she asked ten different people for them would go unquestioned. What is this “talking” that people do anyway? Any time someone has suggested that they and I did “talk” or are “talking” I shudder so hard Christchurch would prepare to rebuild. I think commitment is completely different to what it once was, what with tinder and the like and phones with locks on them and snapchats that disappear, no one has to be loyal to any one person if they don’t want to, and why would they? Why commit to one cake when you could taste a few on the regular, then replace them with the right swipe of your index finger when you feel like it? “Talking” doesn’t refer to anything serious, I don’t think. It’s like when you could probably get it on with someone but you aren’t letting people know about it because you’re “talking” (fucking, I presume) to a couple of other people as well, but you aren’t doing anything wrong or disrespecting anyone really because you aren’t dating you’re only TALKINNNGGG. Have I got it? Can someone confirm, or correct me? I’m so dying to know. And there are that many gorgeous humans in the world, no one can blame you for wanting to window shop and even go try on some things whilst doing so. There’s always going to be a prettier dress, or a comfier hoodie, or a new colour of vans. You can’t just buy the first or fifteenth you see, just in case. Missing out would be THE WORST. And you don’t owe it to any of them to discuss the predecessors or… (what’s the word for predecessors but happening at the same time? anyone? no word? funny that) if you are only talking and you’ve made it clear that that’s all you want. No commitments or relationships here, no sir-eee! And then suddenly your 30th birthday is coming up and you kind of feel like maybe you should have built a life with someone by now but you were too busy gaining notches in your belt and you still aren’t sure which dress you want the most so maybe you’ll give it until 35 before you make a massive decision and settle down and stop unknowingly spreading chlamydia. Maybe. There are far too many babes on Instagram to get through but hopefully another five years will get you close.

I do apologise for the tangent and apparent change in tone, but like I said earlier a web really formed in my mind at the shit performance of my phone. I suppose what I’m kind of but super not really getting at (or trying to, at least), is as great as technology is, I do think it’s really fucked up (a better term cannot be accessed at this time, not unlike the iOS update, strange). The idea of growing up around the time that my dad did, or even before, constantly lingers in the back of my mind. And yes, believe me I realise how pathetic that is coming from me as a type this contradictory slab of words; please understand that I’m grateful for the ease in which I can type up my thoughts as they occur, then share them and quite possibly connect with someone anywhere in the world who can relate at the mere click of a button and copy of a link (poor old pop might think I’m talking about imitating a chain). But I do sometimes feel like a lot of us have missed out on developing respect for each other and relationships of our own in ways that we’ll never even come close to within our society. We don’t put up THAT much of a fight at the fact that companies suck us in and take us for all we’ve got because they KNOW we can’t live without them and the latest and slimmest ever phone in existence. And I can only imagine living like this will only intensify and worsen as we advance in technology and the speed in which we can slide into people’s “dm”s. Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s all in my head, but I decided a long time ago to stop holding my breath if even Beyonce had to.

[ramblingsbyrhi]

muuurica

as cliche as it sounds (and is) i really think one of the greatest parts of travelling is re learning to appreciate home and the things you really take for granted day to day. like how australian toilets have regular seats and the bowl holds the water at the right level (like, not right under your bits), or how petrol stations don’t require payment BEFORE pumping, or how light switches and blinkers make sense here. 

i also really underestimate how great our food and produce is, and only fully realise it when towards the end of a holiday i’m craving a big bowl of veggies and legumes (and bread without sugar and molasses and corn syrup [??]). of course if i lived in another country i’m sure i’d know their ropes far better than when i holiday there for a week or two, but i could swear the albeit 59c bananas in the US were slightly different in taste/texture/complete existence to the ones i’ve known and loved for 23 years. 

i’ve never considered how simple our money system is, or the handiness of the beeping noise when the traffic is ready to let you cross, particularly for blind people. i’ve never thought about picking up a product and looking at the price tag, and still not knowing how much it’d cost me. being in california made me realise how great we have it, even compared to what might be considered the most accessible country in the world. 

in saying all that, there were definitely several things that made it harder to come home, despite the excitement of getting to see my dog again. most of the people we crossed paths with, whether they were working somewhere or simply passersby (like the man pulled up next to us in traffic who could tell we were lost by our windows down conversation, and asked “what in the heck are you doing out here?!” after we told him where we needed to be). for a long time i’ve been under the impression that citizens of the us were obnoxious or rude or self righteous, however most people i met were the absolute opposite. they were friendly, helpful beyond necessity, bubbly, welcoming, the list of positives goes on and on. and of course being foreigners they would’ve had more interest in us, but even overhearing the conversations between themselves made me realise how blunt and for lack of a better expression (plane sick) arseholeish aussies are to each other. the range and variety and price of food really was second to none (im talking vegan bars and alcohol and ice cream, really), and honestly the vibe was unlike anything i’ve ever witnessed here (acknowledging that yes, most of my time was spent in the “happiest place on earth”, but the observation is inclusive of a nightclub.. A NIGHTCLUB MADE ME HAPPY WTF unheard of!). 

and i’m sure it goes without saying that landing home, whilst highly appreciated (thanks for not blowing up and/or crashing, aeroplane), definitely hurls the travel bug right into your morning cereal. i feel like an absolute twat even saying that since the minimal travelling i ever do is generally luxe and first world, and everyone knows i fucking. hate. flying, but meeting new people with endlessly varying stories will always be one of my favourite pastimes, and seeing the sunset in new places will never stop tugging on these little old heartstrings, or whatever has made home where they should be.. 0:-)

[ramblingsbyrhi]

23 things i’ve learned in 23 years

1. Just because you think it or feel it doesn't mean you need say it, having no filter stops being cute pretty quick 

2. Boys who talk about sex are awful at sex 

3. (Hopefully) your parents are the most wonderful humans you'll ever encounter and only want the best for you. Love them lots and let them know

4. Friends come and go, your soulmates will be around forever even if you aren't in contact for extended periods at a time 

5. Everything comes down to money. Even doctors are just at work meeting targets and counting down til knock off. Also don't accept everything a professional tells you merely because of their title 

6. Sometimes you should say yes to junk food, most times you should/can fight the urge 

7. Look up more, appreciate nature and how crazy it is that we live here and exist under bright blue skies and hot pink sunsets that shit is insane and yet we live day to day so unphased by a miracle

8. Look through your phone/cameras less. Not everything needs to be documented somewhere other than your memory, the chances of you watching those fireworks or bits and pieces of a concert/performance again and again are pretty low 

9. People say things they don't mean or will later disagree with, don't hold it against them. Forgive yourself for being a hypocrite sometimes, change is fine 

10. Don't use something about someone that they absolutely cannot help as an insult against them, unless they don't like avocado. In such a case, rip in 

11. People won't always understand your personality or humour. Try them though, just in case, you could be about to make a lifelong/daylong friendship 

12. Don't do something because it seems right or others are doing it or if you're unsure about it to any extent. Your instinct is clever, and you'll thank yourself later for not accumulating a 15k+ uni debt you'll unlikely get on top of 

13. People who direct negativity towards you in any way are honestly only suffering in some form themselves, it really has nothing to do with you. The quicker you realise this the better. Happy people ain't hating and hating people ain't happy. Take bitterness/jealousy/rudeness as a compliment 

14. People are ultimately trying to gain as much for themselves as they can. The only people who truly have your back are or are considered family

15. On the other hand, you can't choose your family; don't be shocked at how completely different your cousins, or even your immediate family are to you. Everyone's their own person despite what blood they share

16. Always aim for more sleep and water, you'll never have enough of either 

17. Age really is just a number. Adults behave irrationally a lot of the time too

18. Carry baby wipes - you never know when they'll come in handy/when you need a spontaneous shower

19. The more crap you accumulate the more crap you have to take with you/get rid of. Distinguish the massive difference between need and want, the less stuff you own the less you have to worry about not to mention the benefits for your bank account, the environment etc 

20. Manners are so important, the way you behave in public is a reflection of your family, act wisely. Remember that when judging the behaviour of others, too; maybe it’s their upbringing that is/was shit, not necessarily THEM

21. Stop using so much damn plastic! What the hell do you need to bag everything for anyway? Carry shit and take care of the land and oceans and animals. Also, recycle everything you possibly can, and when you can’t remember the ground and gutters are not actually bins. When the hell did it become cool to not give a shit about life and your surroundings? 

22. Floss. Please floss. Bad breath is horrendous and it's likely due to rotten food stuck between your teeth that your old flared out toothbrush ain't budging 

23. Spontaneity is underrated. Do more things on an unplanned whim, drive to that picturesque place you always see on Instagram, brave a new cafe, tell someone they are pretty/entertaining, stay up all night with a bunch of absolute randoms on a cruise ship, perform a massacre. The best memories are the ones you never thought you'd have  

[ramblingsbyrhi]

feels

My intention when I created this account was to a. write about “things” as opposed to “feelings”, due to the large possibility that b. I would share the link at some point for some self imposed “important” reason or another, and people could take or leave it as they pleased. I have been slightly at war with myself lately however, and I figure if I can word it somewhat level headedly enough, then a. it may make me feel better/slightly more at ease/neither, or b. it could resonate with whoever randomly stumbles across it one day, or even help those who have to endure me on a regular basis to understand why I’ve behaved in a certain way as of late etc. Perhaps none of the above will occur as a result of what I’m about to write however I will continue regardless and the rest is reliant on your discretion (I have this overwhelming urge to post the peace emoji here and I’m so glad I am unable to at the same time).

I can’t pinpoint when exactly I began to feel this way, but I think I can narrow down a few various factors that largely contribute to WHY, which I won’t go into detail about. Basically, I was just driving home from a gym sesh with my PT where I was whinging the whole time, complaining about what he wanted me to do, sulking that it was hurting, that it’s Monday afternoon etc, which isn’t a way I generally like to behave at the gym or at all, but probably do far more often than I’d care to acknowledge. The negativity most likely resulted in me not putting in the amount of effort I should have and would have liked to, made me look like a complete moron, was plain embarrassing, and has made me feel even worse, to the point I was fighting tears on the way home and argued with myself about the reasoning behind it all. In my head I was justifying it with my PT having changed the time on me, it being a Monday afternoon where everyone suddenly decides they’re going to get fit this week and it tends to be one of the busiest times of the week, my muscles aren’t getting as strong and defined as I’d like in a short period of time, and a handful of other bullshit excuses as to why I was allowed to behave like a fucking child. But, in reality, he had literally just got off holidays less than 24 hours ago and was doing his best to fit me in, not to mention was probably keen to get home himself after having worked all day while I had a cruisy day at home, he worked around the fact that there was a bunch of people permeating the gym, really well in fact, I can only get out of the gym and bettering my health as much as I put in, and the negativity and ridiculous behaviour is in no way justified no matter how much my PT has come to be a mate - he’s probably everyone’s “mate” and there is absolutely no reason for me to presume it’s alright to act like a dick.

The thing is though, the sooking and negativity wasn’t just today, they’ve been around for many days - many months even. I tell myself there’s a difference between negativity and logic, and any thoughts I have or remarks I make about people or ideas or events that I don’t understand or agree with are because I am logical. But I know (logic) that that can’t be the case, and there are many people who are uplifting and positive and motivating in their personalities, and they can’t all be daft or oblivious to unreasonable events or behaviour of other people.

I know that my job and lack of career path are major contributors to my sourness - any retail position where you HAVE to take treatment whether good or bad from absolute strangers will take its toll, not to mention the pressure in regards to making individual KPIs and yet working within a team environment.. it all adds up. But whilst I have no qualifications for a different job and no idea what I’d like to do, and am actively doing absolutely nothing about either of those factors, I really have no entitlements to complain. There is no sense in regretting the decisions I’ve made, the time and money wasted in study I now have absolutely no interest in, the present time with which I am doing nothing productive that feels like it is slipping through my fingers.. I’d love to have some sort of epiphany or even vague idea about a direction I should head in, but I am absolutely lost.

The relationships I have with not only the people around me, but myself, also massively affect my mood and general overall feelings. I am struggling with intimate relationships, friendships, acquaintanceships, and also the way I feel about myself (which I am trying to work on, this post kind of being about that, I guess). I know that I choose to be around people who will do me absolutely no favours in the long term, and sometimes even in the short term, whilst I neglect relationships with those who I know can and have done me a world of good. I am generally pretty introverted, I don’t need to socialise often to feel satisfied or validated, I don’t like to go out on weekends and I don’t have a lot of friends a. who do that or b. in general, and it suits me just fine. I see people on social media mainly who seem so happy and bubbly and uplifting and like their shit is actually sunbeams and beautiful flowers, and surely they can’t be like that one hundred percent of the time. But it does make me wonder why I can’t be like that some of the time, and why I place myself in the company of people who also aren’t really like that which makes it okay for me not to be like that *takes massive breath*. Aahhh. I know the world of social media is mostly some make believe facade, but the positive parts are inspiring, it’s just the putting into practise I struggle with.

In saying that though, I’m sure social media and the general way we go about our days now (something happens; upload a picture of it, go somewhere; take pictures of it THEN upload it, make something delicious to eat; make sure it looks nice then take a pic then upload it then wait for the likes from the correct hashtags to pour in and you’ll feel more validated or something and then you’ll eat cold food) mostly has negative impacts on all of us, and I have thought about this concept so many times it isn’t funny, yet still I continue to involve myself, because what else would I do with my time?? I deleted facebook just after my 21st birthday after deciding I was fed up with the time wasted on there, the unnecessary bullshit people upload, the way everyone’s still “in touch” but so far out of touch with each other.. it’s mind boggling. I signed back up when my best friend went overseas and I figured it was the best way I could keep up with her travels and make sure she was alive and so on. Slowly people I knew began to add the not so serious account, and quickly I remembered why the fuck I deleted it in the first place. I can’t really boast about the fact that I went so long without it since instagram quickly filled any void and took up all my time. And while I still think instagram is much better since its mostly only pictures and you really don’t have to see people you went to school with or whatever as much as you do on facebook, and most posts are super catered to what you like to see, it definitely fucks with your head since it is all photos.. Of stunning girls with perfect lives, and popular people who make a living off of it, and people from your area you vaguely know who are younger and far more successful than you. And I continue to use it and wonder what it’d be like to be any of the above and just sit here all miserable like, reverting back to crying about not making quicker gym gains, or why I didn’t get a law degree and own a house by now with a job that doesn’t make me depressive every other day, or why my hundreds of friends and I aren’t naturally pretty models with tiny waists who post a photo of a fucking teeth whitening product and get deposited five thousand dollars for doing so, or why I don’t have a perfect relationship where we’re both ticking off goals and travelling the world and buying properties...

Wow, did I just answer my own question??

I am sorry if you’ve noticed a change in me that doesn’t leave the greatest aftertaste, but if it’s any consolation I taste it too. It’s awful, and I know I need to count my blessings and change the flavour and be grateful that someone even wants to give me PT, or that the sky at around 5pm is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, or that I have an absolutely wonderful family who would support me in any career path or study I wish to undertake, because I live in a country where I have the access and means to do so!

Thanks for reading, it kind of worked. 

[ramblingsbyrhi]

im itching to write random things about myself and since i have the freedom to do so here and since you have little to no interest in “quirky” facts about me but reading this is a simple form of procrastination preventing you from doing something more productive, here goes

1. my favourite number is 2 because there are 2 2s in my birthday (22nd, but you gathered that), and because one day friends and I went surfing at back beach in south west rocks then paddled down the river and decided to jump off the foot bridge. I caught 2 (what i thought were) good waves, then jumped off the bridge (which i fucking hate doing) twice. and the rest was history. oh, the simplicities of tweenhood.

2. speaking of south west rocks, ive always felt really torn about where i would consider “home”. my mum met my dad there, then i came along, however my parents were like.. dating, I guess, they weren’t married or technically living with each other. My mum decided to move to Newcastle for various reasons, and I guess my dad wasn’t invited/didn’t want to leave his home (probably a bit of both), so I went with her and from then on I saw my dad in school holidays and other semi significant occasions. When I was 15 my mum moved to Queensland for some (justified i’m sure) reason, so my dad decided I couldn’t stay in Newcastle with my siblings in their early 20s (much to my absolute disgust), and made me move in with him (another whoooooole solely dedicated post, believe me). So I went to school nearby and lived in south west rocks full time for the last 3 years of high school. Being the new kid though it never felt quite.. right, despite the fact that I was actually born there and knew the area like the back of my hand since my dad lived there and I stayed there a lot. While this was going on, Newcastle technically wasn’t really my home anymore, I had completely left in the eyes of my old school friends, despite my “home” and belongings where my brother and sister still were, remaining completely the same. Then I lived inland for a year and a bit for uni.. then moved back to my home in Newcastle to work. When I was in touch with my south west rocks school friends, we’d chat around Christmas time and ask if i was “coming home” for Christmas, and in my mind I’d be like “..I am home, though..”. My dad would spend Christmas in Newcastle with me and my siblings and mother normally, so “coming home” to south west rocks wasn’t really ever part of my Holiday routine, yet it was my home because.. never mind. you get it. well you probably don’t because I can’t quite fully wrap my head around it, but anyhow. next.

3. speaking of my parents, I really don’t quite know what to say about them. in hindsight their relationship was quite bizarre and obviously since I was young the ins and outs were never fully disclosed, but to me it was normal, it was all I knew. I considered families with married mums and dads to be strange.. figures. I can’t really tell how or if the way i was raised together/separate by them has affected me, but I think I do undervalue relationships and commitments, regardless of whether the two are connected. I strongly believe in independence, I despise couples who have to drag each other to every social event that occurs once they become official. I don’t think it’s necessary to attend each others every family or friend gathering, share incomes, pets etc. this is probably a major reason why my relationships don’t really technically progress much farther than committedly dating but it works with me.

4. my brother and sister are super important to me despite not quite knowing how to show them or anyone that. my sister is 8 years older then me and my number one, we’ve always been close but not gory close however sometimes we’ll say TMI things that are out of the ordinary for us but it’s usually hilarious seeing each other’s reactions. my brother is 5 years older than me and we weren’t entirely friendly as kids but we get along now in a “i’m going to continually insult you this whole catch up long because i’m kind of emotionally stunted and we weren’t really taught how to be affectionate in a more normal manner but it’s okay we’ll deal with it” kind of way. they have a different dad to me who they grew up without, but they’re amazing people, you wouldn’t realise it. 

5. i have a massive appetite and get irrationally irritated by people who are a. fussy eaters or b. wasteful eaters. By wasteful eaters I mean people who consciously choose to go out to eat, order, take two bites then either a. complain about the food b. announce they’re full and done eating or c. announce they don’t feel well. YOU WANTED TO COME HERE AND SPEND YOUR MONEY ON FOOD WHY THE FUCKING HELL DONT YOU SHUT UP AND EAT IT PLEASE. EXPLAIN. in saying that i definitely have my “eat until the plate is clean and then some” habit to blame for my childhood obesity but that’s yet again another story.

6. I can lick my elbow. I can also do a few “man” pushups. I used to be able to lift my leg and have my foot behind my head but I really don’t trust myself to test that right now and either confirm or deny my current ability.

7. I had braces when I was 18 for about 18 months. I’d totally get them again since a. i’m not 100% satisfied with the results and b. it was honestly so interesting to watch the changes happen before my eyes. also made conversation in times of need.

8. my first job was at KFC and I really enjoyed it. I am now vegan but it has absolutely nothing to do with my time there. Sometimes i feel like i wasted opportunities on eating the shit since I never will again but regardless it was a great experience, I learnt a lot and met amazing people and gained some confidence, yay me.

9. i have 9 piercings and 2 tattoos and my dad doesn’t know about most of them and i hope that somehow he’ll never find out. I actually don’t wear normal ear lobe earrings, or much visible jewellery at all for that matter, but the holes are still.. pierced.. so they count in my count.

10. i absolutely hate flying. i hate all things that are out of my control/vaguely death related. and yes, i know you could die in a car crash or coming out of the shower or whatever whatever but a. in those situations you don’t have to fall thousands of fucking metres before bursting into smithereens and b. i’m more in control, unlike flying where i am literally putting my life in the hands of some unknown to me “pilot” and a big heavy fuck off piece of metal that is supposedly in good form. for similar reasons i’ve never done drugs, gone on many rides, bungy jumped etc etc. noooo thank you, keep your high risk of death apparatuses and recreations to yourself. 

[ramblingsbyrhi]

i’m not quite sure what to name this or what i’m doing here but..

I've always been attracted to writing. Spelling and punctuation and understanding how words change depending on which way they're woven together has always intrigued and come somewhat easily to me. Do you remember those "competition" things in primary school that your parents would make you enter and you'd have to do a maths or English test and then someone somewhere would judge your performance and give you a credit or a distinction? I entered those BY CHOICE. English projects excited me in early high school, and I undertook four units of English during the HSC, partly because I had to but mostly because I chose to. By the time Uni rolled around I decided I should probably study communications because it was all about reading and writing and that's what I was okay at. If you know anything even vaguely about uni and bachelor degrees, you'll know this was a somewhat silly decision, but I was 17 and had absolutely no idea about the world, and the fact that arts degrees aren't necessarily boasting with life direction. I soon discovered that I hated having to read and write things that had absolutely no appeal to me, which turned my interest in language quite sour. I stopped writing for fun, I felt like my creativity suffered a gruesome death, and I slowly gave the degree up realising that I had no idea what the hell I wanted to do with life, what career I wished to pursue, what kind of degree I needed. I just knew I wasn't in the right place, there was no passion lingering even slightly. A friend of mine asked me just the other day, "what are your hobbies Rhianna? What do you like doing?" I stared at him while my stomach dropped upon the realisation I have no fucking clue.

These days my life involves working in retail to pay for food and petrol and try to save what money is sometimes left from the week gone, I currently enjoy working on my physique (a phase we all go through I'm sure), I love striving to do minimal damage to the incredible environment in which I'm blessed to live.. but I don't feel like there's something specific that makes me happy, or makes me feel alive. I once met someone who lives in a very beautiful but remote location, which is constantly visited by tourists. He wakes up every day before sunrise, runs a lagoon charter business, entertains the foreigners all day, and at night does more entertaining with another business, and somehow has enough spare time to tend to his family and friends and himself enough to get by. I felt so inspired by the lifestyle that he and many others there lead, and knew I needed to be doing more with my time to fulfil my life in general. It's easy however, to fall back into the monotonous pattern of doing the bare minimum when you live in a way that lets you do so. I have no idea what I "want to be" or do "when I grow up" (which has surpassed me now but I absolutely don't feel like it has). I have acquaintances my age and even younger who own homes, have degrees, are employed full time. I completely feel stuck in limbo with no sense of direction or passion, and definitely no clear sense of who I am or what I'm supposed to do in my lifetime. I know I am absolutely not the only one to feel this way, and there are people older and in far worse situations than I am. But the pressure still exists, and I hear the time steadily ticking away in the back of my head while I can feel my family watching and waiting for me to grow up and become something they can be proud of. 

I've started numerous different blogs over the years, first and foremost because I enjoy writing and have always felt like the inner monologues need some sort of cementing instead of living in my mind for a few fleeting seconds. Then I'll come up with some theme or concept I must run with, which is where things generally roll downhill at an illegal speed. The pressure associated with this decision takes me back to my time at Uni, where a lecturer would instruct me to read some underwhelming text and respond with X amount of references etc etc; turning something I had genuine feelings for into a task, and as a result my love transformed into resent. I have extreme admiration for people who not only achieve completing these tasks, but can find enjoyment in them. I have a difficult time being told what to do, and an even harder time being criticised for what I come up with when I didn't wish to do it in the first place.. that sounds awfully self righteous and disgustingly lazy, but I hope someone might understand what I mean. I never liked asking questions, in school I always deciphered directions as best I could and went from there, I couldn't understand the lack of logic from my peers when they'd query what I thought were pretty straightforward instructions. I got by with little extra help, I did well in school. It was at this time when I was most creative, the tremendous teen angst remodelled into poems or short pieces or even just slammed into tumblr with absolutely no mystery about them. At the time I was distraught as I went through relationships and friendships and the break ups of both, however they not only gave me ammunition to express myself with words, but they also heavily impacted the creation of the relatively unphased and low key person I am today. I am unbothered by emotion, nothing really affects me that much that I feel the need to vent to anyone let alone a blog site where either some absolute random stranger or no one will read it. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful to have already gone through the most difficult times of my life and I am lucky to understand now that people and things cannot be the dictators of my emotions. But I am sad that I don’t write like I used to, I am sad that the main feelings that rotate are being tired or hungry or frustrated with adult aged lunatics who get irrationally hung up on what colour cushion would best complement their two seater lounge. Occasionally I wish I felt more, instead of staring at an iPhone screen in my spare time or counting down the hours til I can clock off, or the months til my next brief holiday. 

In saying that, those inner monologues still permeate my days, I do have a lot of somewhat strange and sudden ideas or thoughts that I’ve been feeling the need to put into words and have indefinitely (particularly since my memory is absolutely rotten). Which, I guess, is why I’m here, this time without the pressure. I have no clue what will happen or what kinds of things will be documented and I’m so happy about it. And I totally understand that all of this is most likely of no interest to anybody else in the world, but hey. That’s the beauty of the internet and the free country in which I live - I can do what the fuck I want and when the fuck I want it, and so can you. So if you’re intrigued and find yourself returning in the future, then thanks, I guess. And if not that’s fine too, and here’s to the both of us spending our time exactly how we want to.