randompeep712

[randompeep712]

What is love when it does not take up the space where an apology should be?

[randompeep712]

“Let me love you,” it sounds like a promise. One I don’t think anyone could keep, not with me. 

“I’ve tried, but we both know better. I was born alone, destined to die alone.”

“Please, let me try. I love you.” It’s desperate, we both know it.

“I’m sorry, I can’t let you get close to me. I’m unable to be vulnerable, you deserve better. I love you too,” a stupid afterthought, I feel like weeping. It was the wrong thing to say, I knew it the second the words rolled off my tongue.

“If you loved me you would stay!”

And there’s the truth, I can’t love. I haven’t truthfully said “I love you” since I was a child, before I had the weight of other worlds, others’ happiness, crushing me down to fine powder. I haven’t breathed in fresh air since the day I was born.

They see it on my face, I see the realization on theirs. It’s over, it’s really truly over. I sigh, the guilt surrounds me. 

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

There are no tears. Emotions evade me and I wish I felt sorrow, not the soft breeze of relief that blows across my shoulders. I’m so, so sorry, I long to apologize again, but nothing will make this better. Nothing but time.

[randompeep712]

Reblog if you are a raging homosexual

[randompeep712]

Sometimes home is a shirt that i stole from my aunt when i was seven

[randompeep712]

when I was around twelve I used to sit at the family computer and send hatemail to a white french dude named Jacques who was a self proclaimed communist on Tumblr. This was back in the day when you didn't need a blog to send anon hate. I had no real beef with him but I just didn't like his tone. used to send him "SHUT UP Jacques" periodically. and he'd answer every single one of my asks like "who is this?? show your face or I'll fucking kill you" and I'd be like "now now, that doesn't make sense, jacques" all haughty and he'd get so fucking mad at me. One time he posted a selfie and I sent him an ask claiming I was a psychologist and that his hair parting suggested that he wasn't a communist at all. and he took it deliriously serious and went off on a 2,000 word rant. I can remember going to stay at my grandparents over that weekend, so I didn't even respond to the rant until I came back. I could've chosen to end it there, but when I returned, I sent him another ask which was like "psychologist here again: if you were a communist your hair parting would be in the middle. evenly distributed. All behavioural signs point to someone who doesn't take their own values seriously." and he went ballistic. really swearing at me. all caps type beat. he never turned the asks off, btw. which always made me wonder if he didn't know how to, or if he didn't want to cause he was convinced he was fighting a war, and this action would ensure he lost it. anyway this went on for weeks until one day I completely forgot about him like he was some kind of childhood imaginary friend I'd conjured up in my loneliness. but yesterday I happened to recall the whole scenario, because my buddy was like "remember when you were twelve and I came over to your house, and you showed me on the computer how you'd been terrorizing this random French guy for days on end. And you were laughing like fucking crazy. and I said it wasn't funny because he probably had problems, and you were like 'oh.' and you looked a bit guilty for a second, but then you went and got a grapefruit from the kitchen and threw it out of the second story window at my kid brother, who was playing in the street, and then you started laughing again?" Well. when she put it like that, needless to say I felt bad. so Jacques if you're out there I'm sorry I was such a little shit. you had totally normal hair, and you only wanted people to share stuff. If it's any consolation I know every day of my life that I'm probably going to hell for the sick things I have done

[randompeep712]

The truth is that if my mother wasn't my mother, she wouldn't love me, she wouldn't like me. We're different people and I tend to bring out the worst in her. If we were just two coworkers or acquaintances then we'd probably avoid each other. My mother only loves me because she has to. She gave birth to me and that means that no matter what, half of me is descended from her.

[randompeep712]

Photosynthesis and cellular respiration

In my science era. cells and stuff

[randompeep712]

Some random person: No but like, what's in between your legs?

Me: A snare usually

[randompeep712]

Middle school and high school is when the gay happens

[randompeep712]

You think I'm scared of you?

I have burned on the pyre

And risen from the ashes

More times than you can imagine.

Do not fuck with me,

I will flood your cities

And take your children.

The society they make

Will be infinitely better

Than anything you could have dreamed.

Children know more about the ways of man

Than any adult ever will.

[randompeep712]

FUCK THE GOVERNMENT, ANARCHY

FUCK THIS FUCK TIME FUCK SCHOOL FUCK SOCIETY FUCK THE IDEA THAT MY WORTH IS BASED ON HOW MUCH I GET DONE AND WHAT TIME I GET UP

[randompeep712]

the first moment I realized what friendship was, I was fourteen. I was back from my first of many doctors appointments. I found a picture of twin lava lamps that lit up into brilliant colors when the other one was tapped. I showed the picture to my friend. “I’d buy this for us,” I say. “You’d always know when I was thinking of you.” I don’t want to be alone. “YES!” She said, laughing. “I would grab it at three am and you’d have to stare at it instead of sleeping! Everything would be purple and blue and you wouldn’t have a chance.”

“I haven’t been sleeping at three am,” I said. I had been lying awake, waiting for the panic attack.

“I know,” she said. “I know. That’s why I’d do it.”

we looked at each other. oh, I thought. oh. so that’s what it is. it’s lava lamps. it’s the darkness fading into blue and purple promises. it’s noticing. it’s love under the guise of annoyance.

I don’t want to be alone.

you aren’t. not anymore.

[randompeep712]

[randompeep712]

[randompeep712]

has being the eldest sibling treated me wrong? oh yes, real bad, but do i still take pride in being the first born? hell yeah.

[randompeep712]

You know when you’re like looking through posts about mental illness and you feel valid until you find one about how like someone has to worry about getting food in their stomach and a roof over their head and you instantly feel guilty for complaining about your life when your needs are met