rangergirl3

[rangergirl3]

Don't you think it's easier for you to deal with your Trauma (tm) because you have a perfect marriage, a child who adores you, and a leisurely life as a housewife? It's harder for those who are single and alone and also need to work a full time job in order to survive.

No, I don’t think my trauma is easier to deal with. It’s different, but not easier.

For starters: No marriage is perfect. No child adores their parents 100% of the time. A housewife’s life is not leisurely.

So the assumptions Anon have started off with are very much out of sync with reality. Btw: I like Izumi Curtis. Quite a lot. Here she is, in her natural habitat, efficiently dealing with obstacles. :-)

Yeah - no. No. Trauma doesn’t magically become easier to deal with just because you’re married, with a kid, and not fulfilling a role at a place where you clock in and out of work.

It’s a lot of straight-up refusing to listen to the voices in my head that I literally grew up with, and trying to manage all of the emotional/mental/physical needs of a household while simultaneously being aware of my own needs, and to actually remember to take care of myself - which is very hard to do, because growing up, I literally locked away pieces of myself to cope with all the shitshow that was going on.

Breaking the cycle of generational abuse doesn’t really look, or feel, awesome. It’s worth it, but it’s hard. It’s looking through your possessions, and deciding to give away most of them. It’s having a handful of pictures from your childhood, because too many of them brought back vivid memories of assault and pain. It’s blocking a lot of phone numbers. It’s deleting anniversaries, birthdays, and upcoming events from your calendar. It’s putting down solid, unyielding boundaries to keep you, and those you love, safe, even when it also means saying goodbye - perhaps forever - to things that meant the world to you when you were growing up.

When the poison’s in the well, you have to stop drinking the water.

Stuff isn’t automatically ‘better’ just because of surroundings in your life. It’s just different terrain. Like, sure, I’m not on a mountainside in the middle of a snowstorm, but I am still in the middle of a storm on the ocean, on a ship, and oh crap if that was Uwa’toka we might need to portal out asap, because my kid isn’t up to a strong enough fighting level yet, and I need my Boots of Haste to take that giant sea snake on. Maybe a Vestige or two. (Vox Machina fans: I salute you).

Last thing: If you haven’t watched Ducktales 2017, please try to do so - that show is one of the best I’ve seen in ages. So sweet, funny, smart, and hopeful. A truly wonderful way to spend your time. <3

[rangergirl3]

My brain: Ahah!!!! FINALLY, I have cleared my email inbox! I can conquer anything!!!

I kid you not, less then three seconds later:

Ah, I see, yes, there's the school update. For my kid's schedule. Oh. Oh dear.

I will be getting those emails too.

For.

Forever.

o.0

Now I am feeling more like this:

But it's still a good feeling, to have - most - of my email stuff up to date. :D

I just may need more of this:

[rangergirl3]

[rangergirl3]

Thank you so much for tag! :D :D

This was so much fun! :D Tagging @callaeidae3 @arwenride @justheretobreakthingsblog @jpnpr @brushes-of-sage @haleykim84 @familyofpaladins and anyone else who would like to join in! :D

thank you for the tags @sunsfancyscooter (here) and @idletype (here)! I love fun little games <3

this is pretty accurate to me! I'm just a silly little guy your honor 🫶

Tagging: @qt-qtoey @cornflowershade @welcome-to-the-shit-library @jojotichakorn @perfectlypeachbear @bubbaknowlton @jjsanguine @petrich0-r @karumizai @errorkey and anyone else who sees this <333

[rangergirl3]

Possible title for my next book:

Who I Am and How I Got Here

(Back of book sentence: High probability of it being: Well, you got me. By all accounts it doesn’t make sense)

Taken directly from this:

But seriously. Bit of pondering going on over here, lol.

[rangergirl3]

Oh my gosh, thank you @brushes-of-sage! :D

Last Song: I’m Dangerous by The Everlove (Very satisfying to listen to :D)

Favorite Color: Blue

Sweet/Savory/Spicy: Sweet

Currently Watching: Critical Role, Campaign Three

Relationship Status: Married (coming up on - 9?! YEARS :D)

Current Obsession: Clearing out my email inbox/F I N A L L Y sitting down to read Brandon Sanderson’s book ‘Defiant’ after literally buying it last year and never opening it up until JUST NOW because spoons

Tagging: @callaeidae3 @jpnpr @drizzlydaybeforethespring @arwenride @justheretobreakthingsblog @actress4him and anyone else who wants to join in!

Nine people i'd like to get to know better:

Tagged by: @bell-of-indecision, thank you so much for tagging me <3

Last Song: Gmfu by Odetari,6arelyhuman

Favourite colour: Dark red, violet, pink

Currently watching: Death note, ep6

Spicy/Savoury/Sweet: Spicy

Relationship status: Single

Current Obsession: Mbti types and cognitive functions.

Tagging: @somin-yin @a-cloud-for-dreams @axepen @hinsaa-paramo-dharma @basic-bitch-alkali @rhysaka @blackknight-100 @squishywizardd @reykalot

[rangergirl3]

The thing about gradually coming to terms with long-repressed traumatic memories is:

Well, you tend to make jokes that no one else finds funny, but it’s how you cope. Sort of.

Mostly to fend off the screaming in your head.

Which can work. Until you have enough faculties to deal with it, which I thankfully do.

Trauma mentions after the cut. Nothing graphic, just yucky.

I made the following joke upon realizing that there is 100% no way I should ever trust my biological father or mother within 100 miles of me or any kids I have.

Let’s just say that waking up sweating, and visceral panic attacks, intrusive flashbacks, and a literal textbook worth of gradual realizations are a real bitch to work with when it ends up that I also have survived: incest. Wish that was a mistype. But it’s not.

Ugh.

Just YUCK.

Although the stuff my mother would tell me as a kid (aka If you ever tell anyone about the stuff that happens at home the social workers will come and take away your siblings and you’ll NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN) really starts to make sense now. (She was a real mean piece of work too. Each of my parental figures really does deserve the other. It’s a match made in Hades. I wish them a very predictably miserable eternity together.)

At the time, I just figured she really hated anyone knowing we, I don’t know, were noisy and messy at times, like kids tend to be.

But instead, my mind was just doing this: Running from anything I felt I couldn’t control. Which was everything.

Thank goodness I have stable relationships now. I mean, it still is nasty to deal with all of the health consequences - past and present - and I’ve definitely begun an overhaul of the house, instead of just a typical spring cleaning. Something about just throwing myself into a mountain of tasks can help me feel a little less lost when the noise inside my head gets too loud. (As long as I make sure I get enough sleep, rest, and relaxation, too.)

But yes, that’s…well, the biggest reason I took so much time off of Tumblr. There were other memories I uncovered - to no one’s surprise, I witnessed a LOT of messed up stuff in my early life that just got stuffed under the rug - including two suicides of total strangers because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time- side note - Please Please Please LIVE. Each life is such an irreplaceable treasure. Please choose to live. Please.

So. That was a lot. I’m a little bit nervous posting this, mostly due to some very cruel anons that have interacted with me in the past, but I wanted to update you, my friends🥰, on what all’s been up these last several months.

Just as a reassurance: I’m safe. I’m truly very happy. And I’m not going anywhere. Except maybe the library. Every time I get another set of books, and cart them back home, my husband just looks up at me and laughs, because it’s not even surprising anymore. 😂

Also my kiddo has asked for a Belle dress as a future gift so that she can ‘look and act just like my mama!’ Which made me supremely delighted.

And now, I’m going to go bake some zucchini bread. And brainstorm my next book. 😎 Because I think some people could really benefit from hearing that people with a terribly painful backstory can still snort milk out through their nose in delight at a funny joke. It just takes some time to get to that point.

[rangergirl3]

I watched a skit on YouTube where each ‘personality’ had to deal with complete isolation and mine (the ISFJ) just spent it re-enacting their favorite TV show line by line and I felt very seen

Aka

I couldn’t stop laughing because that was 100% me, in my head, during a very difficult childhood, which probably saved my sanity

Because now, despite literally everything trying to kill me off, I’m quirky, instead of flat-out NUTS

*But instead of a TV show it was a medley of Disney lyrics, character quotations from books, and a self-insert character in the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy

So what I’m saying is fiction is VERY GOOD FOR YOU

PLEASE ENJOY IT 🥰

[rangergirl3]

Wow, it’s been awhile.

Short update: Life is (still) busy. Lots of things to manage; but going well. 🥰

Long(er) update: Just after Christmas, I found out that some of the meds I’ve been taking for…oooh, about six years? It had fruit in it (or, at least, a fruit based derivative aka polysorbate which absolutely contributed to the skin on my hands being so, so bad these last few years). So, I ended up switching up some meds last month, and boy, that’s been an adjustment. Not a bad one, as things go, but it was definitely a lot to tackle on top of other stuff.😅 Hubby changed jobs (yay!), lots of paperwork came due (ack!), and I ended a long-term friendship which…eh. It sucks, but it was neccessary. Sad, though, too, not gonna lie.

Good news is, I have finally been able to work on relaxing! And I know that sounds odd, but I really have to W-O-R-K on that - and I’ve been sort of getting better at it!

I’ve been crafting (lots and LOTS of cross-stitching), and reading (Brandon Sanderson and Drew Hayes), and also occasionally brainstorming new fun stories! I don’t have anything definite planned right now, but we’ll see what happens.

Anyway, that’s the latest update from me - more to come soon! I hope. If I have the energy/spoons to do so. 🥰 Hope you’re all well!

[rangergirl3]

We ask your questions so you don’t have to! Submit your questions to have them posted anonymously as polls.

[rangergirl3]

What does your husband do for work? Being a stay at home mom sounds like the dream life. I know, I know, it’s still busy and yadda yadda yadda but there are many women who do all that while working a full time job outside the house. It’s a huge privilege to have a hubby who makes enough to support a family on one income and I’m super jealous.

This…well, this strikes me as a bit of a rude question.

What should it matter what my husband does for work?

Like. I can’t even.

But I’ll answer truthfully, because I am honestly so proud of him, and of us as a team. ❤️

My husband does everything and anything he needs to do to support our family. This has included taking on additional part-time jobs, free-lancing, and contractor work. He’s my super-hero. ❤️

And, while it is truly a blessing for me to be able to stay home with our kiddo, it has come with some significant sacrifices on our end.

Since he uses the car for work, weather permitting, I walk to appointments. (Due to multiple skin and respiratory issues, I find it wisest to avoid public transportation). Until my skin sensitivity became something I could no longer ignore, I donated plasma twice a week to stretch our grocery budget a little bit further.

We do all our own yard work, house work, laundry, cooking, cleaning, and home projects. If we want a new look for our living room, we spend a weekend measuring and moving the furniture we already have around. Side Note: It’s awesome when you hit upon just the right configuration for your living room!

We do not eat out at restaurants. We do not purchase wine, juice, or soft drinks. (I do love me a good mead, but that’s not in the budget right now).

I do not buy clothes, shoes, books, makeup, jewelry, or other wants (like stickers, planners, pictures, or organizational baskets). My big treat of the week is a mocha from Starbucks, which I pay cash for, because I want to use my resources wisely. My husband also does not buy things he wants, because there are other priorities that need - well, prioritizing.

Like rent, kid’s clothes, kids shoes, groceries, doctors visits, medications, and, as a one-time expense, a 100% cotton comforter for our bed that’s made a night and day difference for my skin, as it seems that polyester (which is in a LOT of warm winter clothing and blankets) has been a major, ongoing factor for years in my skin irritation.

So, Anon, please don’t be jealous.

I’m incredibly happy with my life, but it still takes a lot of work to make it work.

It is worth it though. That, I promise you.

[rangergirl3]

However, this song and amv is superbly done with the timing of the music and movements! I've easily watched it though...five or six times in row. Just now.

I tend to hyper-focus on stuff to distract myself from other stuff. It's great when it works. :-)

[rangergirl3]

All I want for Christmas is: for my skin to actually. For five minutes at a time. To not drive me crazy.

Like, the skin is literally the largest organ of the body. I just want it to work the way it should! aka to not freak out with what feels like a full body allergic reaction to anything and everything, leaveing me half-crazed with irritated skin and the inability to touch anything! GAAHH!

Especially on my fingers, because it is VERY ANNOYING to want to do anything and have to factor in things like 'Well I could, but should I?"

So I end up doing this:

And it makes me grumpy. Because I want to do EVERYTHING. And not being able to use my fingers/hands really puts a damper on that.

[rangergirl3]

Happy Spy x Family Day ♡

[rangergirl3]

[rangergirl3]

[rangergirl3]

when 23 year olds say “im getting old” cause they get excited by mundane things…for the love of. we used to get excited by BOXES as toddlers. maybe we’re just reverting to our childlike joy did u ever think about THAT.