rantings-at-dusk

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Existential crisis 'Will I make him better? Should I make him worse?'. Sings in I'm just a girl.

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Most frighteningly important, what if I do have it? What if I do have a moment of satiety? What if I am granted my most coveted of desires? All of it to be ripped away? Once grown comfortable and complacent, once lulled to a state of peace and rest, all to be unsettled and unraveled? This is the true horror.

How disgusting it is to be seen wanting. How revolting to find myself lacking. Needing. To pry my chest open and have my tender insides exposed, vulnerable. In order to ask, to welcome something that I desire. What if I can't have this? What if I'm denied? What if I'm starved? Longing and restless, as I've always been, but now with witnesses. Sickening

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I just need to die a violent death and be reborn as the light that could have saved me.( whatever that means)

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Leave matching my freak, is someone going to walk with me through the abyss of our subconscious and souls, unravel our habits and beliefs, embrace our scars and traumas. Learn how to live and love ourselves independently and together? Is someone gonna match thissss?

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Turns out I wasn't miserable. I just needed to talk a walk in the woods and flirt shamelessly with men I'm not interested in. Life's good 😗👍.

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Just another day of feeling inherently wrong and unlovable. But that's the human experience. Right? It's perfectly normal and everyone had felt this before... right?

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Anaïs Nin, from The Voice

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Looking back on this now I wonder how curiosity is punished beyond religion and academia. For instance normal day life, adults and youngins, teachers and students, governments and their people. Basically any form of authority established, how many times has a 'Why?' turned violent? Turned into 'disrespect, rude, defiant, haughty, argumentative, talking back' and so much more. When to question an order turns into an argument. We are beings of free will and thought, is it wrong to not adhere, to not follow blindly. To think at the back of our minds 'Why should I do things so thoughtlessly?'. To want to know the reasons for and god forbid want to be respected. I find it exhausting to constantly see labels of defiance and rebellious whenever someone question authority. It's oppressive and primitive. It makes of people bullies.

So I just listened to a podcast on Paradise Lost about the fall of Lucifer and humanity (on Spotify the channel is Literature and History) and basically I found an intriguing theme, among many. Lucifer was at the very core of his being, curious , he wondered why the Almighty was retreating to His mountain without ever telling them anything anymore, and why The Son of God surrounded himself in such mystery. He not only felt sidelined, but also wondered if he's sole purpose was to serve. He wanted more and was curious of what he could do and the lengths he could go and heights he could rise to. He was simply not satisfied with the way things had been since his creation, meant to serve the Almighty without question, blindly and devotedly. Despite his hubris, maniac ambition and unrelenting hunger for power, he was just curious this was the spark that ignited his fall.

Then I started thinking, how many instances in history have inventive and curious minds been punished? When great inventors and scientists went against the common way of thinking or challenged a certain belief, weren't they punished in one way or another?

Despite Lucifer Morningstar having his faults and errors, I can't help but relate to him and even feel some kind of... pity. Was he wrong to question his purpose? Was he wrong to want more than what he was told he was created for? Was he wrong to question the Almighty? Did he deserve such a harsh fate?

Share your thoughts.

[rantings-at-dusk]

How disgusting it is to be seen wanting. How revolting to find myself lacking. Needing. To pry my chest open and have my tender insides exposed, vulnerable. In order to ask, to welcome something that I desire. What if I can't have this? What if I'm denied? What if I'm starved? Longing and restless, as I've always been, but now with witnesses. Sickening

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I am a sucker for pretty faces. Especially a man's. I look at a handsome face, features soft and alluring. I'll think 'Oh how beautiful, how thrilling to have them corrupted by me.' A sweet face felt to me like goodness, like saintlihood. Something that I could never have for I was neither beautiful nor good.

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I could have loved me.

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Wanted to draw the multiple appearances of Hua Cheng! :D All are good versions of him <3

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tgcf as shitposts vol. 6

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I love how Xie Lian always trusted Hua Cheng since the very beginning