rantsandeepthoughts

[rantsandeepthoughts]

I had a work meeting today -

And it was with that senior at work that always annoyed me. His incompetence is still there. The work and meeting problems were still there.

But.

I felt a difference during this meeting. In myself.

I have been in a calmer more restful peaceful place in my life, and so my overall mood was calmer.

I didn't feel annoyed, even though he was still the same incompetent guy

I cared less. I didn't feel the pressing need to solve other people's problems. So all his problems, I didn't get stressed over it without the weight of 'I have to fix this'

...so yeah. Even with just these small changes. It feels like. Even just these few things.

These few factors. That are a result of the healing journey I'm on, a healing journey i am still on.

Are eye opening enough on how trauma causes stress, not just directly, but in many indirect ways too.

And yeah. It's eye opening....

[rantsandeepthoughts]

Am i a ghost?

(I don't remember when i started writing this, but it was sitting in the drafts... )

That feeling, of being ignored, be it intentionally or not.

//

I want to go back to social work.

But. I also need to earn more than social work can give me.

//

My friends, they usually are sympathetic. But not, empathetic.

Being empathetic is a special skill, not everyone has. Not even trained counsellors easily have this skill.

//

I'm not part of the avocado toast generation.

I'm of the generation of graduation trips and annual overseas holidays. Every single one of my same-age friends, travelled, a lot. They worked and paid for it themselves, so it was usually backpacking trips, or to neighbouring countries where the exchange rate meant they could enjoy more for a lower cost.

I'm part of the globe trotting generation. And I've only been on 2 trips, when my friend has been on 10 (more perhaps).

//

and to add on now...

-sighs- so many things, so many thoughts. so little motivation...

[rantsandeepthoughts]

I feel like, i live in a world, in a life, where for me, love is a luxury I cannot afford.

Love is a privilege not meant for me.

Having never experienced it in any form. Having never seen it in reality. Having only known about it in fiction, makes Love feel like something that only exists in fiction.

It's not real, not to me. And if it is, then it's something that's not meant to be. Not something I'll ever get to feel for real.

Love doesn't exist in my reality.

So... what is it, really?

[rantsandeepthoughts]

Healing takes work...

Healing, or well, attempting to sort through decades worth of past traumas and abuse faced - amongst other things.

Takes a lot of work. It also takes a lot of time obviously.

But the sheer amount of work it takes... Making a point to go talk to a counsellor, and do the exercises you're tasked to do. Which, even a something like a CBT Exercise, where you gotta sit and think about what the hell was my 'Belief' what was my 'thinking style' what was going through my damn head, then, and now.

Like it's some new subject alltogether and I don't exactly understand sometimes, and I don't have the vocabulary to describe it, and like it's really difficult to put into words - how you feel, a feeling, how you were thinking, confusions, like... it's a lot of work...

It's not easy at all.

Back when I was just surviving. and pushing a lot of this unprocessed baggage to the back of my head - to forget about it - to just constantly distract myself from the pain and suffering. To just function on autopilot. It was hell. But it was at a point where, living in the suffering routine, was a known routine, where survival mode had its steps and they were steps I was familiar with. So it was all rote.

It was bad. It was hell. But it was rote and when you just blank your brain, turn your heart to stone and ignore your emotions. You just function like a robot. Till....

I don't know where I'm going with this.

But the point I want to make I guess is. It's tiring.

Because, after all that hell I've lived through (and still, unfortunately, am exposed to periodically), I'm already so damned exhausted.

Now in this exhausted state - where I now have a boundary established so I have an established resting time, so the exhaustion is reducing, but not significantly, especially the mental exhaustion.

So in this, very very tired state, I have to go do all this WORK, to heal myself.

I know this is something that has to be done. Maybe this particular CBT exercise I'm doing isn't a best fit for me. But anyway, gotta try this and that before it hits right yeah. I will continue to do so, slowly, being kind to myself...

but damnit.

It's a heck lot of WORK.

[rantsandeepthoughts]

Fever dream

Throughout my childhood, when I had fevers often, the theme of my fever dream would be the same one. It repeated itself, same fever dream, for every fever dream I remembered. And since I had fevers, high fevers, often. I remember them to this day.

It comes in two parts, and they would loop, part 1 or 2, either may start and the other would follow.

One - the feeling of drowning in quicksand. not that I've ever experienced it in real life. But that dense sand. Kinda like kinetic sand. Kinda like playdoh, or jello, but grainy. Like those squeeze things that had a dense type of sand in them. And. While I drown within this sand, I would be pulled apart. Like two sets were tugging on my arms, me, the rope, in this game of tug-of-war.

Two - the audio. it had a bass type beat to it. like it was loud, but my ears were covered, so there was a muffle layer. Like underwater. It was people speaking, usually my mother's voice, and other family members. Arguing. Or something. There was a reverb-type tone. Like a speed-up audio was then run through a slow-mo play.

And the suffocating anxiety. The foreboding sense of "oh no, oh no" yet being unable to do anything. The feeling of helplessness, because I did not understand what was happening, at all, back then as a child. There was toxicity, abuse, trauma, all in my environment. But I didn't quite understand it. Not the way I can try make sense of it now, as an adult, who is learning about my past traumas, and viewing things from a different lens.

... so. what started this post was...

I was just chilling, watching a movie and playing my snake game, multi tasking n all. The movie ended but my snake game (on mute) continued. in the silence, i kept playing, which I usually don't. I usually on some music, some lofi playlist. But I played for some time, half hour, maybe more, in silence. and the part Two of my fever dreams just played in my mind. like white noise. but it's the audio of this distorted, reverb, argument vocals, in that speed-up yet slow-mo type of way. and I guess, it's a in relation to how brain-numbing the snake game was. and how the fever dreams, and the fevers, were usually a brain-numbing type thing.

Where I was so sick. I would disassociate. I don't quite know how to explain it. and I don't like to dwell too long in this thoughts and recollection of past memories that are horrible.

I'm just making a note of it here. For notes sake...

[rantsandeepthoughts]

I've seen some posts that go along the lines of -

If you didn't have much of a childhood

Coz you had to grow up too soon

Matured too early

And was forced to be an adult and do adult hard work in your teens.

You end up having your mid-life crisis in your 30s.

Which is, so true...

[rantsandeepthoughts]

Is having sex just too hyped up?

I really wonder, about those people (religiously obligated ones) who got married just to have sex. And then maybe after 10 years, or 20 years, they realise that, it's not all that great. Especially if they're in a monogomous relationship with someone whom they are not sexually compatible with. Or perhaps they discover that sex and orgasms isn't all that big a deal.

But like, now they're stuck together, with kids perhaps. Unhappy but also unable to get a divorce (coz social stigma, and also perhaps feels like too weak a reason to get divorced. There's counselling but yeah, not many people go for that.)

Coz, y'know, an all paid for beach resort holiday surely hits better than a good orgasm. Or also well, being debt free and not having to worry about 'Will I ever retire?' plus additional worries if you have kids - all that on ones mind. Maybe sex and orgasms are just a distraction from the worries of life. Makes you get that endorphin rush so you feel good momentarily. I don't see how it's much different from going out for some desserts and sugar sweet beverages whenever it hits your fancy.

Well. It is technically free - if you're married. And if not, there's one-night stands and relatively cheap alternatives for self-pleasure. Economically speaking, a whole lot cheaper than $6 for a slice of cake or bubble tea. Unless you're paying big money for some sex toy.

Once the hype and curiosity of initial explorations dies down. I feel that, ones imagination is able to churn out more hyped up fantasies that reality will never live up to. What goes on in your head, or what you think you might enjoy, doesn't pan out the way you thought of it in your head. Because I can't help but think that, the slam-bang-wham of fiction writing or video content leaves out a whole lot of logistics and real-time biology.

Or y'know, after the hormonal surge of puberty and ones fertile years (coz fertility also pumps those hormones). The urge for sexual pleasure diminishes. I honestly don't know.

All that aside. I've always thought. That there's so much more to life than procreating and everything that surrounds the act - that has gotten too hyped up what with Hollywood and the way sexuality in all it's essence is still very much a 'taboo' topic in ALL societies.

Those who make sexual-related things/topics a commonplace for them are deemed as outliers, NSFW, perverts or something. So it still contains that element of "The Forbidden" which scratches that itch. I don't know the word for it. That itch people want to scratch even though it may be ill advised. Like breaking curfew coz you're hanging out late with friends.

I'm rambling by this point. But yeah. I was just wondering about it. Seeing as to how, getting married and making babies is a hot topic again. But people don't really talk about the sex part which is the thing you gotta do to make babies. The traditional way anyway. (We got IVF n all now) but yeah.

Yeah.

[rantsandeepthoughts]

I'm in a rabbit hole of my thoughts. Enabled by YouTube videos, that talked about misogyny, smear campaigns (allegedly), power struggles, wife drug-rape, decades, child rape and murder, rape, gang rape, perpetrators being supported while victims are dead or victim-blamed.

I think about bad men, and women who support bad men. And how there is such an overwhelming number of them.

I think about the other men who say "not all men". Yet they do little in support. Do these so called good men, feel themselves good, just because they are not bad?

There is talk about bare minimum men. And, the bar is so low its in hell type of men. And how the average man is deemed a good man, just coz he plays catch with his kids or he washes the dishes - when really, shouldn't that be the bare minimum one expects out of a responsible person?

.... i think of the patriarchy. And how some sources I've read states that it's a result of the industrial or economic era. Or how it started with wars of centuries past. Greed. Power. And the application of brute force, in which men have plenty, for it is in their biological nature.

Being biologically strong, in the past, was put to use working in the fields, hunting food, building the bricks that would lay the foundations of a house. It was spent, their strength, in survival and living.

Yet today, most men don't have an outlet for that. Even the farmers have tractors and other fancy machines.

To be fair and talk about women too. Well, for the most part of it, cooking, housework and child care is still quite non-tech savvy. We do have stuff like washing machines and convenient food, childcare centres. But we also have working mothers. And the insane boom of the beauty and fashion industry which, personally, is an economic trap.

(I thought i missed my stop... writing this on commute)

Yeah. So. Deep thoughts.

Also. I'm soooo gonna be forever single. I don't know any guy who would entertain my brain picking of a male, trying to figure out, if it's the toxic masculinity that makes them not care.

[rantsandeepthoughts]

25 June 2024 Tuesday evening and the 00:00 and morning of 26 June 2024 Wednesday

Note to myself, for it is a significant day. Days. Well. It is. Idk. As I'm typing this, it's 1:12am and my heart is nervous.

It is the first night that I am sleeping over at my new place. My home. Self bought and everything done by me, a place where I'm going to begin with healthy boundaries.

Besides my friends, no one knows I'm spending the night here tonight.

Mother and father have gone to Malaysia for a night, to settle some court proceedings about my late uncle's property. I told the 3 younger siblings that I made plans with the married sister. And i told married sister I'm using her as alibi, she thinks I'm staying over at a friend's. Since. Well. I've not informed anyone of my family about the home I've purchased for myself.

Came here straight from work. When i was considering this earlier in the day, i was thinking I would chicken out and take the last bus back to my parents place. But then, with the more assured assurance that parents are spending the night away. I decided to yolo and just do it.

I had teh tarik ice for dinner and cheap bee hoon with long beans vege n sweetsour fish (sad 4 pieces). I hope the teh tarik don't keep me up.

Assembled a bunch of my IKEA stuff. The bamboo bench, the Nissafors trolley, another plastic shelf thing. Hung up the noren. And one ikea curtain for my room window. Opened the mattress packaging. Mopped a bit. Tidied a bit. Actually now that I'm counting. I assembled 3 things only ^__^"" took about 30mins each.

Anyway... staying here. First night. I'm feeling really nervous. Excited. But also that ever present paranoia. Like mother might suddenly video call me demanding where i am. Or someone gonna rob me or break in. Or something might happen and I die here and only 2 of my friends know I'm here and know the address. Hh who is in Japan now. And Nin who is a busy busy teacher who tbh barely replies msgs at times. And Yun who's in Melbourne so.... hah.

Well, hopefully if such a thing does happen. They'll start looking for me after 24hrs. But yeah. That's the paranoia speaking.

It's a much more quieter neighbourhood. So every sound feels. Like, what's that.

I wonder what time I'll fall asleep.... shall scroll scroll until i can sleep.

[rantsandeepthoughts]

New home matters

Today, 4th June 2024, marks the day that all the renovation related things are done.

Floor grinding and polishing was today, and though the results were disappointing- had thought that the original terrazzo underneath would have more greys and blues. But it turned out to be more greens. And so the floor is still, very green. It is, very clean at the very least.

(There’s some minor paint touching up to be done for the gate on Saturday. But meh. That's outside of my house proper.)

So all that's left is giving everything a good wipe again, so there's no more remnants of construction dust on the fans. The windows and doors. The everywhere in the kitchen.

And the assembling of IKEA furniture can begin.

I already have all the basic items for living. Iron, ironing board, water kettle, rice cooker, basic cleaning supplies. Change of clothes. Mattress, kallax diy bed frame, a cupboard.

It's ready.

All that's left is waiting for sis n mother to finalise the damned tickets for the trip they’re going for. Before i drop the news on mother. Coz. Knowing her, she will throw a fit. And if the tickets aren't booked she will definitely make the trip a huge issue or refuse to go.

I'm very tired.

In the midst of all this. I have a job interview on Friday. And if they agree to my salary asking price... i will change jobs. Then that's a whole other episode.

[rantsandeepthoughts]

29 May 2024

Just wanted a note for historical reminders sake.

I'm 35 years old.

And yet. Still. Mother will call and check my whereabouts whenever she knows I am out for dinner, and not work. If I'm back late because of work, she doesn't check on my whereabouts.

Not even when, back in the day, when i worked till close to midnight, dead exhausted from the insane hospital work load, heading back on the last bus like a zombie, if anyone robbed me and left me in a ditch i wouldn't be able to help myself. But nope. She does not check on me then.

But when I'm out with a friend for dinner, she will check, where am i, am i heading back, why so late. Because to her it is a crime to be having so much fun. Should she know that I've met up with friends twice in the same month. It would be a crime. Because even though I do visit grandma 100% times more often than my friends. Twice a month is way too much.

This persists. And I'm 35.

And I'm sick n tired of it. Because it is not care and concern. It is control and strict limitations to my fun.

[rantsandeepthoughts]

I was reading Chakho, ep 48. Where the villain monster in the story devours his own children to recharge his power. And he calls upon more of his monster children to be eaten by him, for the joy of being the flesh and blood of their father.

It's a villain, monster, in this fictional apocalyptic world.

But then that idiom, that phrase, it hit me.

People say - my flesh and blood - when referring to their blood related relatives. Especially very close relatives like ones own nuclear family.

It's the same in my mother tongue language.

And my mother has ever used the term when she's enraged, that her own children, her own flesh and blood, dare defy her.

My flesh and blood. When spoken by her narcissistic, controlling, obsessive self. Imo. Feels like her staking her claim of ownership over her children as her property. As things that belong to her. Her own flesh and blood.

As if the concept of having children was as if she had to rip out her own fles and blood to form us. And therefore it actually belongs to her. Which is in line with her belief. That her children are hers.

That me, her child, is not my own being, because I am essentially her flesh and blood. I cannot be independent. I cannot do anything that is purely for myself. Only things that are for her, in service to her, beneficial to her. Because I am an extension of her. A part of her removed, like a limb, meant to serve her main body and only her.

All this - about how a parent views their child as their property. As their 'thing' and belonging to do as they wish, to control and wield as they wish. Its related or linked to all those definitions of narcissistic parents, toxic families, etc.

Which is info i already knew.

It's just the whole - analysing the phrase, "my own flesh and blood" - through the lens of narcissistic parenting. And how it make the "my" subject so possessive. Mine.

[rantsandeepthoughts]

I wanted to save these lines -

'There are things that you should be selfish about. You have to be. No one else will do that for you. 

 'You were raised in that family and you still saw that what they did was wrong.'

", I was so stupid, I was so naive, and- before, I could just - turn it off, not think, but now I can’t.’ -- so true, they say ignorance is bliss and it's really true. Once you've opened your eyes, you cannot unsee it. And it's very unsettling.

How can people be so evil, so devoid of empathy, so quick to hurt? How can this system persist for so long? -

I think about this very often... nearly everyday. It's such a constant in my life. I think about all the injustice and suffering and stupidity.... always wondering. What's the point of living like this? What is life?

It's insane and well, you gotta be insane to stay sane, something like that huh...

The lines are from - don't care where you've been - a fanfic on ao3. By: thanks_tacos

[rantsandeepthoughts]

It feels weird and a bit scary sometimes, the way the universe and chance happenings, happens, the way it does.

I went for a counselling session yesterday evening. And one of the things the case worker brought up was forgiveness. Will I be able to forgive what had happened, forgive the abusers.

I couldn't answer her question well. Because I honestly wasn't sure what forgiveness meant, in my situation. I spoke aloud my thoughts of, what forgiveness could possibly mean. And how I really didn't know if I even knew what forgiveness is, to be able to feel it and give it.

Then. This morning.

While I was reading a comic about hunting monsters. Chako. Out of nowhere, the story line takes a direction where one of the characters (Cein) said this -

"You may forgive, but it won't bring back what you've already lost. There are things in this world we just can't forgive. So, don't mind what people say. "

And I'm just here.

Wondering.

How fate and the seemingly random order of which time and actions and the daily lives of people move from one hour to the next, one day to the next, and how these little things feel like a sign, a hint, a clue, a bit of reassurances from a higher power.

[rantsandeepthoughts]

chores memo (again)

today's example-

mother, father, grandmother, myself and 2 younger sisters (1 whom is unwell). having dinner. had dinner. which was mainly prepared and served on the table by myself and mother (coz mother always specially prepares grandma's dinner). we all ate. and afterwards, as I usually automatically do, i start clearing the table, as i take my own dirty dishes to the sink and washing the dishes.

I'm more than halfway through clearing and washing and cleaning up everything when I realise that, huh, no one else is doing the work. nothing new. but then i realised i had on auto-pilot washed up everything in the sink which included the younger sister's dirty dishes. (even the youngest sister, who is unwell, washed her own dish at the very least).

While this asshole younger sister - who is 31 years old btw - had silently deposited her dirty containers into the sink and hid away in her room. she is extremely skilled at this - avoiding work. and this dissapearing act.

I called her out, told her to go clear up the rest of the table. told her again because she didn't respond - was just lying on her bed and staring at her phone.

she went out, did something else. then had to go to the toilet for a very long time.

when she came out of the toilet, she resumed lying down on her bed with her phone. again i came to remind her. again she ignored me until i started nagging and demanding she respond - to which she gave monotonous replies.

this example. has happened repeatedly, so many times, i honestly can't count. it has happened for so many years, i dare say it has been more than 10 years.

and this example. is yet another one reason why I am moving out of this damned house.

[rantsandeepthoughts]

Just a quick note, about chores n such.

We all had dinner together at home, one of the rare few times everyone is together.

After eating. I cleared up like 30% of the stuff on the table and 80% of the wash up in the sink (which included stuff thay had been in the sink for more than a day).

Mother and 2 sisters were sitting at the table talking for an hour or so. When they were done n got up from the table. Only Mother was cleaning up. The younger sisters had all went back to their room, on the sofa, just on their phone or whatever. (Youngest was sick, so fine.). So when i went to see who was helping Mother. None of them. So I helped clear the rest of the table, since Mother was doing the rest of the dishes. And made my quick getaway coz mother had started her - nagging about father's messes to me - and i didn’t want to hear the same shit she always says about him.

Side note: they both always nag or talk about each others bad habits or messes or bad traits, to me, like venting their own anger at each other to me. But I'm sick n tired of hearing the same shit they say, while they both refuse to talk properly to each other and sort out their shits.

So anyway. The dinner n chores. Yeah. It's very very often. 90% of the time. Like that. They would all eat. Talk talk. Then dissappear when it's clean up time. And either I'm the only one cleaning up. Or me and mother. And I honestly don't know if mother SEES and realises that I'm the only one helping out and doing the most work in this household.

Or has she taken it for granted. Since it has been me only doing the work. For more than a decade...

[rantsandeepthoughts]

Tonight. Is one of those nights. Where my brain won't shut up and my imagination goes crazy.

12.48 am. Midnight. 14 March 2024.

First. It was thoughts of the injustices of gender.

The way the world is divided. Historically too. By gender. Where women have always- centuries at the very least- suffered.

I keep thinking about cleopetra. I didn’t study about her history. But she ruled once. So perhaps there was a time when it wasn't so bad for women?

But all my life at least. Even in this modern world. The 2000s. Life still sucks for a woman. Even in developed countries. Even in countries where women get to have higher education. There still is a limit to the women's achievement, and it is not due to her merit. It is usually due to the existing hierarchy of a male dominated world.

That aside. The societal pressures, biases and all the other shit like sexual harassment. It all still exists in a modern world in a developed country.

It often makes me wonder. About things like religion. And how many religions are male dominant. Or where males are put in leadership or rule over women. Where it becomes a point where. It is the male’s word. Instead of God's word. Or even the simple point that, they use He when referring to God.

..... anyway. Those thoughts....

Then when i was lying down, trying to sleep. I think about a sinkhole opening up, and somehow i get this instinctual sense and managed to run out of the house. Like some apocalyptic show. And as i run the ground dissappears and i managed t leap away and there's a massive gaping hole filled with the fallen block of flats. I call the police and yelling that, its the whole street. This isn't a unit address. It's the whole street!

And i think about food. And cheese tteokbokki. Coz that YouTuber had it. N i was watching the video.

Sighs.... these thoughts...