raspberry-pudding

[raspberry-pudding]

by lesnoj.veresk

[raspberry-pudding]

12/21/2024

No surprises, I've still been smoking pretty bad. I was able to make it through 5 days without about a month ago, but only because I was all out and had no money. I tried to resist but the second I got enough money I got more weed.

and it's like every single time i try to do better, or even think about doing better, I get worse than I was before. I smoked so heavily after those 5 days.

Recently I got an herbal blend to smoke instead of weed. It's still smoking, but at least I'd be smoking something that doesn't make me stoned -- at least that's my logic. I've smoked a little of the herbal blend, but I hate that the smoke isn't heavy enough for me to see a smokey exhale -- is that weird? It smells nice as it burns, though.

More below the cut for those who care about a person struggling with their weed addiction 🪻🍃

Although I've gotten the herbal blend to start smoking, I'm way more hesitant about smoking it than I am weed. There's a part of me that wonders how safe it is -- even though it's from a company that specializes in blends, all the herbs used are smoke safe, and it's a plant. I don't know why I feel so weird about it.

I've smoked some of it, but I still have weed that I go back to.

I still feel like it's well beyond time for me to quit and I see the ways that it's holding me back. But I also see the ways that it's able to help me. AGGHHH but it's such a double ended sword.

Those 5 days without weed were still as unproductive as if I had smoked weed; and I do have days where I smoke and then I'm more productive in my day. But, I used to be productive without anything at all -- and if I need weed to feel awake, is that also not still an indicator that I have a problem? Like it helps me, but also it's not really helping me; I'm just feeding the addiction to feel a state of normalcy. Like an alcoholic who needs X amount of shots when they get up to feel ready for their day.

I wish I had never let myself start smoking every day. I wish weed could just return to this thing that I do every now and then, maybe just once a week on a Saturday or some shit you know? Actual recreational use.

And why do I have to relapse or fail so, so hard when I even think about doing better. Why do I subconscious just self-sabotage myself like this? And why can't I stop doing it?

I should be more disciplined on myself right now about smoking the herbal blends. I'm sure the more I do it, the more I'll be able to turn myself away from weed. Maybe. My theory is that I'm more addicted to the habit of smoking a joint than I am being high -- but at the same time I didn't like NOT being high smoking the herbal blend.

I'm getting too old for this shit though. It keeps holding me back. And I'm too fucking stupid or weak or something to just be stern and cut it out. UGH. I'll always keep trying, though. I know that's what's best for me.

I'm craving weed right now. I have to work later and don't like to drive stoned, but over the last few weeks that hasn't deterred me from still smoking before a late shift at work. Today, though, I really am gonna fight it. Maybe I'll have a herbal joint to satisfy the need to smoke. I don't know. It feels like a cycle, and I'm back in the point of the cycle where I'm, at the very least, trying to just not smoke in the morning anymore. It feels like stage 1 over and over and over again, every time I fail. I start doing so incredible and then I slip.

On another, unrelated note: I'm tired of being the therapist friend. It's been a long time since I've had a lot of friends who consider me a therapist friend. I only have one right now, so I guess it could be worse. But it's like this person only wants to speak to me whenever they have something happening in their lives that they need to cry about. However, whenever I've gone through similar motions and reached out to them, I get ignored for WEEKS.

I love this friend a lot but I hate that the only time I ever hear from them is when something big and bad has happened to them. And then I get 30-50 snapchat notifications of them screaming and crying over it to me. And then they can't even give me the same attention when I need it. I rarely need it from anyone, and after an incident of me needing them back in September and getting ghosted, I've actually stopped going to them for anything.

I just, why can't we have normal conversations?? I always send this person stuff to establish a normal convo, but it gets ignored. And then I don't hear back until they need to try about something. Last night I sent a few funny snaps to this friend, and all I got in response was a 10 minute video of her screaming and crying in her car about her family issues.

It's just exhausting. I don't remember the last time we've had a normal conversation. Often I'm paranoid that it's something I'm fucking up socially, but I have other friends that aren't like that and that I do uphold normal conversation with. Again, I love this friend so, so much. I love talking to them, but I guess it's been a long time since our conversation hasn't been me playing therapist or just listening without getting the same respect back.

I'll probably slowly cease talking to her. I feel like I kinda did a few months ago but I started again because she finally started responding to me again. But, I just feel like it's so obvious now the kind of friend I'm seen as. So whatever. I didn't even respond to the Snaps I got last night. I started to listen to them this morning but very quickly turned the volume down and just went about my day as they played out. And it took sooooooooooo long for those videos to stop playing. How the hell am I expected to listen to all that when I've done the same at my lowest point and got ghosted for weeks. I think it ended up being a whole month until I heard from her again after sending mine, and even then she still never watched what I sent. So why the fuck should I waste my time doing the same for her? It's aggravating.

Iris 🪻

[raspberry-pudding]

I’ve still been smoking. I’m stoned right now.

But life feels the way it used to be. It feels moist and real and peaceful.

I think a lot of my issues have been with mental illness, not weed. Nothing special, just generic self-loathing and anxiety; depression probably. The aftermath of a rough moment in my life.

But I’ve been listening to a new voice, and it’s been helping me see the warmth and livelihood of life again.

The rain sounds clearer, my candles smell stronger. Life feels like the crisp, cool days leading up to Halloween from my childhood. For the first time in a long while I think I’m actually present in the moment instead of lost inside my brain.

I don’t know what’s caused this feeling of comfort and content I used to know, but I hope I can continue to lean into it and feel better again.

I quote 2019 as my best year yet because I felt this way just about every day. It was wonderful and I’ve missed it.

[raspberry-pudding]

[raspberry-pudding]

6/3/2024

It's been a very long time since I've posted. I just haven't thought about this account much over the past two-ish months.

I'm in a rough position. I mean, I don't know, I feel like it's rough but I know everything is gonna work out completely fine. Work has made me start smoking 4 joints a day, including smoking throughout my shift now. But I don't have to worry about that anymore because yesterday was my last day there. I've already been able to cut it back down to 2 joints a day, plus some of a bowl at bedtime.

More weed waffling below the cut, as always.

Honestly, I've been so distracted with work that I haven't noticed the negative impacts weed has had on me lately. Which, I don't like because it makes doing it feel more okay to me. If feel likes I'm smoking just to be okay with being alive and I'm sick of feeling that way. Not every day is like this, but the hard ones are.

Sorry if this post sounds a little groggy or weird in language, I've been up awhile and am drinking coffee, but my brain just still isn't here yet. I like writing things out in the morning, though, because it takes me away from accidentally getting stuck on my phone -- which has also been a terrible issue lately. Generally, I can keep myself away from my phone pretty easy because I don't like the notifications or being talked to. But I have been struggling a lot with not going on TikTok and Instagram, and the tendency to go on these apps increases when I'm stoned for sure. I can just zone out on the apps and not even realize what's happening until hours later -- I hate that shit.

I quit my job. Because I started doing a work from home job instead and it was going really great for a month. Until I was told that the company would no longer prioritize relocating me to new projects in the future. So, I could get more work in the future but it sounds unlikely. I quit my job so I could do this one more instead -- it used my degree, it paid well, I thought I was doing really well at it because all my feedback was good. But now, I don't have a job, and while my fiancé and I can live on his check fine, I really liked making money and having my own money to pay for student loans.

My fiancé tells me to look at it all as a blessing in disguise. I'll just say what my job was, why does it matter? I feel so paranoid about someone on here knowing who I am but this blog has literally been nothing but me speaking into the void. I worked at a Starbucks for the past 6 months and at first it was fantastic. I joined a new location and was able to get one on one training before the place opened, so I really got the recipes down and everything. But I stayed about 3 or 4 months longer than I really should have. I loved making drinks, I loved being with my coworkers, but what I didn't love was management and the fact that me and two other girls were always stuck doing everything in that place. I love my coworkers -- but damn, a lot of them did not do a single thing. I didn't even work as much as everyone else and the few days I did work I was carrying the whole weight of the place on my back. Sometimes I got stuck as the only person there and would jump between register, making drinks, making food, and doing prep all at the same time -- I'm so happy we didn't have a drive thru at this location. But I would literally do everything back there, and I think my breaking point was that my manager still acted like what I was doing wasn't enough for her. Not to mention, I'm not a person who has their phone out when they work and I got yelled at for handing someone my phone to watch one video I was talking about while I made the one and only drink order we had. Meanwhile, my coworkers are blatantly on TikTok behind the counter and they don't get anything said to them.

Fuck, this post about recovering from weed just turned into a waffle about my work. But this place is what's made my consumption so awful lately. I forgot the point too -- that maybe this is all a blessing in disguise for me. I was looking for any reason at all to quit. I was busting my ass every day I went in and the manager was starting to treat me like shit more and more -- like I can't do anything right and that I'm a new problem for her to conspire getting rid of. Which, she did with others, conspiring ways to make them quit or get fired and it kept working; and when her attitude with me started changing in this way I knew I was next anyway. I don't even understand why she keeps doing it; someone does something very little that she doesn't like and instead of talking to them, her and the assistant manager just conspire to get rid of them. Until we're short staffed as fuck -- we've been running on 6 employees per day at work when we should have double that because she keeps trying to get rid of people. But then she doesn't wanna hire anyone new because she doesn't want to train them. Well, me and my best friend quit on the same day so now they're so short staffed they have to hire people, because not enough people are there to give days off.

My fiancé has been tired of me coming home for lunch and just breaking down crying and screaming every day. And he's right about how a shitty, minimum wage ass job shouldn't leave me that way. Maybe the purpose of the other job was just to prove that I can find something better and a reason to get away from Starbucks. I really don't know the purpose of any of it right now.

I guess I'm just glad to be away from that place. I'm sad about it because I genuinely liked the work and my coworkers, but I didn't like getting stuck with every part of the job by myself only to get yelled at that I'm still not doing good enough. I guess it's easy to see why I started smoking at work and went up to 4 joints a day.

I really do think now that I'm away from that place, being able to get a handle of how much weed I'm smoking will improve. Like I said, I've already brought it back down to 2 joints a day. I also haven't been enjoying the way weed makes me feel lately, it's more like a headache than anything else. And of course, I think it's a big source of my laziness and procrastination that I used to not have at all before smoking.

I've tried this journey so many times, but I feel really good about this go around. I think I can really do good this time. I've waffled so long today. Thanks for listening.

Iris🪻

[raspberry-pudding]

[raspberry-pudding]

[raspberry-pudding]

4/8/2024

It's been awhile since I've made a post and I think I'd like to before I have to go into work today. It's only a 5 hour shift, so it'll be over in no time, but damn -- only 5 hours? Why even be there at that point?

I've recently put my foot down about the days I'm available at work, so I finally have a consistent weekly schedule that doesn't change much. The times might change, but I'm now only available three days a week, giving me four days a week to work on my projects. I'm really excited to have a routine come back into my life. There are so many things I've put to the side this year for work, and all of them are technically much more important than this job. Ugh, I just, can't wait to have a consistent schedule, even if the times might be different every week at least it's always the same days.

Let's talk about how my weed addiction is going below the cut.

I think the last time I posted, I talked about a friend I've made who is much deeper in the addiction than I am and how that's made me feel like I'm not really an addict. I think now, even though my problem isn't as extreme as others, I do still struggle with a problem that I need to cut out of my life. I might not be smoking the entire day, or doing high doses of THC like with a dab, but I notice that it's still impacting my life and keeping me from doing things that I want to do. It's like I come home from work, I smoke, and I just zone out on TikTok the entire evening. It's been a big problem, especially because I'm getting more and more bored in the evenings.

Another reason I really need to cut it out is my tendencies to snack more on weed. Especially the indica I'm using to help me sleep now -- I have to smoke it when I'm in bed. If I don't, and I just casually smoke it in the evening while at my desk or in the living room then I will eat anything in sight. To the point that my stomach still hurts the next day. It's bad.

Thankfully, I got a hybrid that doesn't make me hungry. Still, the dispensary isn't always going to have the non-munchie stuff in stock all the time.

I can't remember if it was Wednesday or Friday now that I was watching hotdiggedydemon, or Max G, stream and he was discussing his own problems with weed in the past. Also, how he's off it now, has never felt better, and agrees that it is an addictive substance. If anything, his talk about weed made me feel really validated that what I should be doing is the right choice.

Recently, I did have an evening where I smoked three joints -- three! But it was a one off thing because otherwise I've been good to only smoke one or two joints a day. My problem now though is that the first joint usually happens around 9 or 10 AM. I think that's way too early, but on my days off I struggle to restrict myself because it's so nice to smoke then clean the house. I do need to stop, though. I can't get high that early and expect to succeed at all the other things I want to do.

I'd like to start quitting by waiting to smoke around 4 or 5 PM and going back to one joint a day to ween myself off. I know my last plan didn't go well lol, when I said I was going to keep my weed in the basement. Maybe that could still be in the cards if I need it. So far, yesterday I got off work at 2 and did well to wait until after 4 to smoke. I think it's going to be my days off where I'll struggle the most.

In my head, I always see myself meditating to get past any cravings for weed I might have. But thinking about actually doing that makes me cringe a little. It's a little woo-woo, or hippy dippy. But maybe it's something that could help me. I don't really know though.

It's hard. I feel like I know so clearly the things I need to do to quit and get back the lifestyle I want, yet taking action feels impossible. And there's no reason for it to feel impossible.

It's a Monday, and I feel hopeful for myself that this is gonna be the week. But how many times have I told myself that for the past 2 years? At some point, it has to be true though.

Iris🪻

[raspberry-pudding]

3/29/24

I don't have anything to share today about weed recovery. I've been decreasing my intake lately and while my goal is to quit, I feel like maybe there are underlying issues that I struggle with.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Every now and then I have moments of epiphany of what I need to work on and fix. And then other moments, like now, it feels like I've completely forgotten it.

This page has pretty much been a public diary for me. More below the cut.

There's something in me that feels distrustful of others, and I feel like I didn't really think about that being an issue I have until recently. I've noticed the anxiety I get when I start getting close with people. First of all, being close to a person or having physical touch with my friends has always made me feel uncomfortable or sick to an extent. Whenever I would have sleepovers (either hosting or being a guest), the next morning I would immediately feel gross and uncomfortable in my own skin. Being in someone else's space or someone being in my space, early in the morning, upsets me very badly. Even a couple of years ago (probably around 24) I stayed the night at a friend's house and when I woke in the morning I immediately left before they got up. Not because I don't love them -- we've been friends since kindergarten -- but because I was so uncomfortable in my own skin and self-conscious by waking up there. Strangely, I never felt this way about my partner. I don't know why that's different for me.

And before, I feel as if I haven't had any problems being close with friends. Close in the sense that we're going out and doing things or hanging out. But suddenly the idea of hanging out with a friend outside of work makes me feel the way sleepovers used to. I think about being in a friend's car hanging out and I feel sick or I feel uncomfortable in my skin.

Why is there a part of myself that feels so closed off and scared of close connections?

I know one reason, and maybe it's my awareness of this behavior in others that's increased my anxiety and has made me more closed off. I notice that people immediately fall in love with me, and from one or two interactions they begin to set this idealized version of who they believe I am. Other people become very intense when they like me. And it scares me, because the moment I do something outside of this idealized picture they've created then I become a monster. I don't like having these interactions where I'm getting complimented a lot or where someone discusses how much they love me as a person because I've had so many experiences of people acting like that and then blowing up the moment I'm not what they thought.

I've noticed out of fear I have been more closed off and try to keep people at arm's length. I'm scared of getting close to someone and making a friend only for it to turn around and be another nightmare. I wish people didn't call me perfect. I'm not perfect, I'm a human and I have shitty sides as much as anyone else. And creating this self-narrative that I'm perfect just....I don't like it. I can't live up to someone's expectation of me and then I get burned.

I try to counteract it happening now by being adamant about never being on my phone. I never text anyone outside of the environments I see them in, at least in the beginning, because now I don't want to set up this expectation that I'm an everyday kind of talker. I'm not. I lost my best friend in the entire world because I just don't want to talk every single day. And it was an explosive end. So, after that especially, I start any friendship by being distant, so that the other person can be used to it and I can weed out who will respect my space and who won't. Being able to be alone is so important to me, and I hate that I had to lose someone I was friends with for so long just because I wanted space.

I've been having trouble being close with my family lately, too, which I feel like I never really had a problem with before. I don't know why, I just feel distant from them. I don't understand why I feel distant from them. I know why I do my mom, and it's because as much as I love her I don't see her as a safe space for me to share anything with. Everything I tell her gets warped or gaslit or whatever. I don't even know how to describe it -- it's like every single interaction is a misunderstanding or a reason to belittle me. But my dad, who I feel incredibly close to, I've recently also been feeling very distant from.

I have thought about how much weed has intensified these feelings. I feel like the distance from my family didn't start until I started smoking. And I'm sure there could be an argument of me becoming more closed off. I don't know.

Every day, I can just feel there's something wrong with me. And sometimes I feel like I know how to fix it and other times I feel completely lost. It doesn't feel like depression, I've been depressed. It's at least easier than depression. But it's different, it's a lot of anxiety and fear.

Iris🪻

[raspberry-pudding]

ˑ  ֺ ָ ֙⋆ ִ ֗ ִ ˑ ּ 𖥔 ۫ ּ ֗ ۪ ⊹ ˑeyecandy minidiscs!! ִ ֗ ִ˖ ࣪𓂂 𐫰𓈒⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ

[raspberry-pudding]

Heirloom

Drawn by me

Ink on paper

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paris hilton in mcdonald’s

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[raspberry-pudding]

3/21/24

It's been a long time since I've updated my blog here. I had so many plans for March and I can't believe it's nearly over. Time moves too fast, and I'm filled with anxiety thinking about all the things I need to get done.

Quitting hasn't been successful, but I at least am feeling better about my situation momentarily. Still, despite my mood and self hatred improving, I have the goal of quitting one day. I guess this calls for a lengthy update since the last time I wrote.

You know the drill, more below the cut.

When I said that I had the plan to preroll some joints and lock them away in my basement -- my smoking has only increased since making that plan. And the weed has never made it to being hid in the basement. It's like every time I give myself restrictions, it makes me go harder into what I shouldn't do. I know I used to be (and still am) that way with food and snacking. But letting myself do anything with no pressure doesn't help either. I feel anxious lately, or maybe the smoking and lack of is where the anxiety is coming from.

I've been hating myself about my failures. It's like I'm starting the cycle all over again. But recently I got a sign that although smoking daily is a problem I have, my problem could be a lot more severe.

Maybe it's the weed currently in my system making me overly paranoid, but I don't even want to mention my relation to this person on the very off-chance my blog is found out. Somehow. And while I'm about to share some criticism of this person, I absolutely love them and do not think less of them.

After talking to them about how much weed each of us smokes, I don't feel like as big of an addict as I have in the past. In fact, my smoking habits feel much more casual compared to them. I smoke 1-2 joints a day, lately it's been back to two joints a day. But, when they told me their routine I was absolutely shocked. I won't go through it step by step, but it's just constant smoking. Almost every one or two hours, and in a variety of ways -- edibles, joints, vapes, dabs, bongs, blunts. Throughout the entire day, from wake to bed. Two joints gets me beyond blasted -- at that point, I'm basically about to pass out. I couldn't imagine smoking the amount they do every single day. Do they even get stoned anymore from it? If I smoke two joints, I feel hungover the next morning. If I smoked as frequently as them, my head would constantly be throbbing -- how is it even possible to smoke that much?? So I feel, now, that maybe I don't have as big of a problem as I originally thought.

Still, although it makes me feel better about my situation, their situation makes me concerned. They say they can do everything better while stoned; but even they expressed a moment of concern over how much they consume. I wonder if they'll ever consider decreasing their usage. Out of experience, though, it's not my place to tell them how to live. Everyone has to go on their own journeys and make their own decisions. No one ever listens to concern or advice -- including myself.

Anyway, this interaction has made me look at myself a little more and wonder again if weed is really my problem, or if I'm my own problem. What I mean is -- am I in my head too much? Or, is my real problem the unresolved behavioral issues? I don't know how to put the words to something that was very clear to me maybe an hour ago.

I think what I mean is instead of placing the blame of all my issues on how much weed I smoke, I think there's some inner work and trouble that I'm dealing with that needs to be resolved in order for other things in my life to fall back into place. I think I need to stop living in my head so much, which is really difficult for me to do, and attempt keeping myself in the present more often. I need to learn how to ground myself and stop becoming trapped in a mental prison of self deprecation. It's so much easier said than done, though. I have so much trouble keeping myself grounded.

Part of me feels insecure. Like everything I'm typing right now is laughable, stoned nonsense. Stereotypical and eye-roll inducing for the audience. And that's probably true, and I expect myself to wake up in the morning without implementing anything I'm discussing now. I don't know how to break the cycle but I feel like I'm constantly trying no matter how many times I fail. Surely it's going to stick one day.

I feel so ridiculous and dumb for doing it, but maybe I should actually look up some advice on keeping myself grounded. I don't really know what to research. How to stop being consumed by your own thoughts? How to stop living in a pit of self doubt?

I'll keep trying to be better every day. It's always at the forefront of my mind. Maybe trying to be normal is going to make me go crazy, though, because some days it feels that way.

Iris🪻

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Hello kitty Apple TV

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nothing on earth could stop me from eating this

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𝓞𝓱 𝓽𝓸 𝓫𝓮 𝓫𝓵𝓮𝓼𝓼𝓮𝓭 𝓫𝔂 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓶𝓸𝓸𝓷 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓼𝓽𝓪𝓻𝓼