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an end of an era

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*BOOP*

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Another road trip. However, this is not a happy one. We still sing, but only because we will lose our minds if we are trapped in silence.

My partners mother has been in hospital for 3, almost 4 weeks now. We are driving to his home town to get his dad and take him to Adelaide. She has lupus. And autoimmune disease where the body attacks the healthy cells. She got covid before Christmas and has been in hospital since. It got so serious she was flown up to Adelaide because they have better facilities. She has been in the ICU this whole time. Sedated with a tube down her throat to help her breathe. She recently got moved to a ward because she was doing better, but she's delirious and doesn't recognise her own children or myself.

Last night, we got a call from the hospital asking permission to put her on blood thinners because they found a blood clot in her lung. They said they caught it in time to fix it and she's going to be okay and should be out soon once the clot dissolves.

We woke up to a call this morning saying she's back in the ICU, sedated with the tube down her throat again. We are back where we started. I've never experienced something like this before. My partners family is insane and are making it worse by making things about themselves. My partner is having to be so fucking strong. Last night after a bunch of family problems went down, he broke down to me. I will never forget it.

I don't really know what to say. I'm really worried and all we can do is drive 5 hours to get his dad, then drive 5 hours back. The whole time hoping nothing else happens.

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“You don’t need to be better than any one else you just need to be better than you used to be.”

— Wayne W. Dyer

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what a beautiful day to remember there is still life to be lived and that things can and will change, and joy might not be permanent but neither is grief.

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Well. Just like that huh? Another year has passed and it's never coming back. We're the same time apart from 2000 as we are to 2050. Time is crazy. Moments I saw as "the present" are now very far in the past and i didn't even realise. It just happened. I am so very emotional but I don't know how to let it out. This year went too quick. So much has happened and so much is happening. This year will probably go faster. I just really hope everything is going to be okay. I hope I get to experience everything that I am supposed to experience. It's just weird. I swear the other day we were putting up our Christmas tree and wrapping presents. Now it's all over and a new year begins. I wish I could write about everything that is happening right now But I am in the eye of the hurricane. I just think life is so funny. I can't believe how much I have grown. How much my partner and I have grown. How much my friends I've known since grade 9 have grown. I am handling things better these days. I really hope it isn't a phase because I finally feel like I can forgive the world when it hurts me or let's me down. The worst thing in the world is happening to my partner and his family right now. This would have completely broken the both of us a year or two ago. It's nearly breaking him now, but he's the strongest person I know and he's handling this so well. I just hope this new year is gentle on us. I hope it is gentle on everyone. As gentle as it can be.

I don't really know what to say or how to feel. We conquered so fucking much this year. We felt the deepest pain this year. But we got through it. We will get through this too.

This year broke me down to pieces but it needed to happen. I have had to rebuild myself many times but not quite at all like i did this year. This year was different. This year was ugly, traumatic, beautiful, chaotic and peaceful at times but it was always full of love, even when it didn't feel like it. This year was painful but it taught me a lot and I am grateful for all that I have learnt and all that I will learn.

I was such a different person one year ago. I can't wait to see who I am this time next year on January 1st, 2026. I wonder where I'll be.

Happy New Year!

K.

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I've been so spoilt this week. J (my partner) has his mother and sister down and it's been so lovely and the other day J came home with a new purple headset to match my pink gaming chair and Red Dead 2 bc I really want to play it. I didn't expect it, it was just so nice. It reminded me of when I was a kid and my mum would see things she thought I'd love so she'd bring them home for me.

Today, we spent some quality time together away from the family and ran some errands to pick up film gear for an ad we're shooting tomorrow for my buisness. J bought me a new septum piercing with a moon, sun and star that dangles and I love it so much!!

Ive really been getting into healing and what life is really about. I'm learning about crystals and magick. Not the abracadabra kind, but the earthy, folk remedy kind. I bought a book that will teach me how to write my own book of shadows and I'm so excited to start this journey and I am so lucky to be loved by such a wonderful man and his family. I had a lovely day today (:

K

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We have my mother-in-law staying with us and it's been so lovely. Her and I get along so well, she heals me whenever we talk.

We have this magnet on our fridge and my partner and I take turns to leave sweet messages for each other and she spotted it and wrote something underneath what I just wrote and told us she and her husband (my partners dad) used to leave sticky notes for each other around the house.

I love the family I have been so beautifully welcomed into. They never had any doubt about me, even when I was struggling with addiction and through my relapse. They always loved me and had faith in me. I'm so lucky (:

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I am so happy. This place feels more like home now. I have pretty lights in the bedroom and I feel so cosy and calm. I'm bored but a happy kind of bored. A bored I can settle into. I'm about to go shopping for new bed sheets because my mother-in-law is staying here with us for a week and I'm really excited!!

I'm also working on my EP. It's getting very tedious. I finally figured out what songs I want on there and what I want to say in them. It's gonna be shit but I keep learning I have to make bad art in order to get better. I'm really excited. I don't really care if anyone listens to it. I'm just excited to have a part of me out in the world. I think there will be 4 songs on the EP, I just have to finish them, mix them and get somebody else to master them because I'm not very good at that yet haha. I'm building a routine into my life. I wake up and study for 30 minutes and afterwards, I stretch and do some yoga. It makes me feel so happy and full of energy.

I've also started buying body mists so I smell so lovely all the time. The stretches are helping me tone my body and I ache a lot less than I used to. I'm no longer stressed about Uni and I'm just so happy.

I've spent my entire teenage years venting about how much I hated the life I had. I finally enjoy life so I'm gonna spend my 20's posting about how happy I am (:

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I long to be here

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you can sit in the kitchen and have strange memories

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I am very sick right now But I AM SO HAPPY!!! Went on another road trip to see our family and I didn't have to drive this time so I got to be passenger Princess and watch all the trees and cows as we drove by. Now we're back in OUR home. I am sick, I have projects due on the weekend, but my cleaning buisness has been picked up by an air bnb company so I have definite stable work coming!!! Im just laying on OUR couch while my partner plays video games with his friends (we're setting my ps4 up tomorrow so I can play with them <3) and I'm watching this cool YouTuber who reviews tech but explains it in a way I can understand. He's funny too. Ah. I'm just so fucking happy. All sober too!! (:

K.

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Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

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Autumn (1973) dir. by Marcel Hanoun

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(grabs you by the shoulders) you have to make room for new experiences in your life. you have to go through the unpleasant work of leaving your comfort zone, even if just for a few minutes at a time. because if you don't, your brain will trick you into stagnation. you will start to believe that the world can barely fit you in it. but that's not true. it's the opposite way around. you can fit the whole word inside of you. your task is only this: to welcome it with open arms