ratkingsjournal

[ratkingsjournal]

DID rant

I don’t think people look into the other aspects of dissociation enough and just focus a lot on switching and alters. I don’t think enough people realize that dissociation and memory gaps can happen with the same person front the whole time. People don’t think enough about how intensely dissociated you can get and never switch.

I have a near constant headache, I can nearly never trust my memory, and I HAVE to rely on others I know to inform me of events and things even with how much I try to stay on top of them. I cannot remember birthdays, faces, or names. People get offended I don’t know their birthday but I do remember that you like this one band. I don’t control what I do and don’t remember.

I would never blame my actions on dissociation, I still try and live my life and be kind to everyone but that means that I do forget everyday things sometimes. I’ll forget a task at work I always do or say something and not even hear myself. My voice and hands are often distant and fuzzy even when I’m not switching.

My dissociation is SEVERE and gaps in my memories appear without me knowing. I’ve forgotten whole movies, days, there are months, near years missing from my life, and no one has that info, not another later, not a gatekeeper, it’s just gone.

It's not just about the alters.

[ratkingsjournal]

i dont know who needs to hear this but stating that ur anti endo isnt syscourse at all

its completely okay to be anti ableist and it shouldn't be a subject of discourse

[ratkingsjournal]

I forgot that tea existed and now my throat is all of a sudden feeling better. It's like a heat pack on a cramp

[ratkingsjournal]

I wish they could invent a medical device that temporarily transfers your symptoms and pain to the doctor treating you and it worked like a shock collar. “I think light exercise would-.” and then bam they’re rolling around the floor clutching their stomach in agony and dry heaving.

[ratkingsjournal]

IF THE WORLD WAS ENDING ID WANNA BE NEXT

TO

YOUUUUUUUU

[ratkingsjournal]

I'm remembering the time where I gave this kid a snickers and nearly killed him because he had a peanut allergy. He just looked at me and said "uh oh." And I never saw him again for years.

And honestly I think that was my villain origin story

[ratkingsjournal]

Yap session of the day:

> or = ?

Greater than or equal to?

I have a system in my head of if I should or shouldn't ask for favors.

It goes like this:

Say I want to ask someone to take out the trash for me because I'm busy or in pain.

I need to think in this person's shoes. Would this cause as much if not more distress to this person as it would for me?

Of course, I can't know everyone's situation all the time. But if something that would cause me a substantial amount of pain would be quick and painless and take about 10 seconds for the other person? I should go for it.

This really helps with being able to ask for help. Because instead of thinking "I'm such a nuisance" I can instead think of it more logically. "This causes me significantly more pain and distress than it does for this person. The numbers say I should ask for help" And when it's a person who cares about me, this gets even easier when they happily agree.

Turning it into a numbers game also helps with being able to get myself to do a thing. This is a 4 on the discomfort scale for me, but it might be an 8 for this other person who would have to do it instead of me. So I should do it to avoid the overall negative impact.

This also goes for

+ or – ?

Positive or Negative?

This is when I'm doing an action that will directly affect another person, animal, or thing

Will this action leave a positive impact on this person, animal, or thing? If so, I'm free to do it. If it will be neutral, then I can do it or not, and if it will be negative, then I should avoid doing it.

This really helps when I'm having a hard time with empathy, or having a hard time in general. Because instead of focusing on the nuance of emotions, I can focus on the numeric value of these emotions to make it easier for me when I'm having a hard time.

This is how I am able to put on the mask of being an extremely empathetic person by nature, while still keeping myself emotionally safe.

Yes, thinking about others constantly is hard and can be self destructive. And yes, I shouldn't constantly think about other people. I don't. (Or... I try not to.)

This is specifically for when I need to think about how my actions directly impact the people who I care about, and I'm not in the mental state to be able to have nuanced views. This at least stops me from defaulting to my unhealthy states.

[ratkingsjournal]

Screaming and crying over the fact that I can't link Tidal as a song streaming service and instead have to link Spotify or SoundCloud

[ratkingsjournal]

Something else I wanted to talk about in regards to bbno$ is I played his songs when I did my first T shot, and he is the artist I gravitate to first when I do them in general. So not only is he supporting my muscle control, he's also supporting my transition. Thanks bbno$

ETA: When I am do them has been corrected

[ratkingsjournal]

Something I never knew would help me with learning to regain muscle control is doing the hip thrusts with bbno$ in his songs.

If you have tiktok, and know who bbno$ is, I'm sure you've seen his new tiktoks promoting his new song "boom" and how he hip thrusts to the beat of the music.

At first, I thought this was childish and kind of just a funny thing he did. And then I started doing it myself.

It is actually a great workout that works different muscles depending on how you're situated when you do it.

Try it standing up, try it laying down, they both provide great benefits, along with being able to dance to some catchy music. They also help me notice what muscles I am using in my legs and abdominal region, and give me opportunities to adjust to how I see fit.

Plus, bbno$ is just a really fun artist who I love supporting. He brings the fun into masculinity that I've kind of shut out of my life, but am trying to find again as I'm transitioning. All around good rating for him.

[ratkingsjournal]

This is such a disgusting thing to do to someone by the way. This can easily send someone spiraling and into flashback episodes that can leave them bedridden for weeks. Or send them to the hospital.

Not a joke. Do not do this.

BY THE WAY . i don’t care how anti—endo you are , you should NEVER make someone “ prove “ they are a system by making them share their trauma .

[ratkingsjournal]

I finally cancelled my Spotify account, and switched to Tidal! I am so proud of myself. I even waited till the day before I got charged with Spotify again 🙂‍↕️

The audio is so much better on here— it's actually insane! I thought everyone was just being dramatic about it as a selling point tbh

ETA: I waited so I could milk my subscription for all it's got. I didn't want to be halfway through my subscription and then get charged again for a different service

[ratkingsjournal]

Bullshit.

Martin Luther King isn't evidence that peaceful protesting works. He's evidence that even if you're peaceful, they'll still kill you.

The change wasn't in response to people listening to Martin Luther King. The change was in response to the riots that happened after he was murdered.

If you're able to command that protesters be peaceful, then you're able to command that the ruling class be peaceful. And if the ruling class were peaceful, the protests wouldn't exist.

[ratkingsjournal]

I'm in my Frieda McFadden phase right now, and I've read

The locked door

The inmate

Never lie

Ward D

Do you remember?

But now that I've read so many of her books, they're starting to become predictable. So— any book recommendations would be great 😭

[ratkingsjournal]

Everyone understands the trans feeling of "do I want to fuck them, or do I want to be them?"

Well... Having BPD, I also get that. But for completely different reasons

[ratkingsjournal]

That moment when you're so fucking overstimulated that you want to start screaming at everyone and everything and throw shit and break shit. But you're healing so you can't. And you sit and do something a lot less fun

[ratkingsjournal]