ray-of-warm-light

[ray-of-warm-light]

22nd of may

my mother got engaged today. her fiance is a wonderful man, full of positive energy and joy; he made her blossom like a beautiful flower. i am so happy for my mother, and i hope their strong relationship lasts a lifetime. it makes my heart feel full to see her at peace.

at the same time, i'm beginning to realize this is not what i want for me.

i don't want a relationship. i don't want committment, i don't want a boyfriend, a fiance, a husband. i don't want a house with white picket fence and children running around, bothering me. i don't want a shared bedroom. i don't want to wash someone else's dishes.

what i want is to be alone.

my dream is a small house or an apartment, not shared with a roommate or a partner, but all for myself. shelves filled with books i like, my favorite soaps and salts in the bathroom, a fridge full of food i enjoy and can cook for myself. my own garden, with my own plants. my decor, my paintings, my furniture. just enough dishes and cutlery for me and a few visiting friends. my own mess to clean up. that much, only that much, and nothing else.

is it bad to crave such thing? solitude?

i'm perfectly fine being by myself. i don't wake up longing for good-morning kisses and breakfast in bed. i make myself tea and i brush my teeth and i go out for the day, and when i come back i like to spend my evenings alone as well. i'm not bored. i do the things i like. if i want to talk to someone, i call my friends.

when my partner asks me to spend time together, my first reaction is often avoidance. i try to make excuses. i try to run away. i don't text back for hours in hope he really believes i didn't see his message. when i finally agree, i do it begrudgingly, with regret and anxiety. the entire time we are together, i dream of the moment i can finally be alone.

his kisses start to disgust me. embraces feel exhausting. sometimes, i don't even want to talk.

and that shouldn't be so. he's a sweet guy - he is just not for me. he deserves someone better, someone who will be able to return his feelings in full. not me, who barely even likes him at this point. i couldn't tell him 'i love you' if he put a gun against my temple.

maybe i can't feel love. maybe i don't want to. and maybe that's okay.

i know what i have to do, for both his and mine sakes. and yet i can't. i'm scared. he's told me all of his exes broke up with him after a few months. he said he would hurt himself if i left.

sometimes, i wish he would hurt me instead. hit me. so i can have an excuse.

i'll find the courage soon enough, i know i will. i need to overcome this fear and finally set him free. i owe him that much. i just hope that, when the skin i rip off along with the bandaid heals, he can one day forgive me.