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[raymondvelez]

Bottles in the hallway

Okay. So the truth is this. Before I grew up and changed my life around, I used to be in these streets. No bitches, not like that. That’s ya’ll ho ass girls these days. I mean I was in these streets getting real money. I’m talking it’s 1990 and I’m putting niggas on. Yes, I was really getting it like that. And yes, given the year, it was crack and only crack. Look, Before I became a banker and dealt with mortgage collapses and recessions, I was taking full advantage of another epidemic. As a matter of fact, this was actually the last weekend before I was finally starting my very first job as a banker. Liberty Savings in Logan Square was the first bank I worked at. And I was gonna start on Monday. But on this particular day, it was Saturday morning and I was getting rid of the last of my work to an ex-boyfriend of mine in the Lakeview projects. Oh yeah. My business card currently says Jacklyn Hernandez Vice President of Financial Sales and Services but I usually just go by Jacky. Anyway, it’s like fucking 8 in the morning and as I approach the third floor staircase of those urine stained steps, I noticed a baby bottle on the floor. Not too suspicious, cause let’s be honest it’s the fucking projects right? Anyway, so I get to the top of the 3rd floor and who do I see at the end of the hallway? A two, maybe three year old Los Cruz barefoot in nothing but Mickey Mouse Huggies screaming bloody murder. I’m not gonna lie, one of his Titis was a customer of mine. So I had seen him around before but he always seemed safe because his cousins were always watching him when they weren’t too busy fucking the dealers who worked for me. Anyway, I immediately pick him up and he stops crying instantly.

“Where’s your cousins?” I asked him not expecting him to talk yet. And he didn’t. But he pointed to the door of the apartment I knew he lived in. I start banging on the door cause at this point I’m pissed. No answer.

“What’s your name, Papa?” I asked him rhetorically using a baby voice.

“Carlos.” He mumbled.

I banged on the door even harder. Still no answer. At this point I can’t just leave him by himself. But I can’t call the police because the trunk of my- - I had a GMC Suburban at the time; but it was full of enough kilos to put me away for 20 years at least. Anyway, I decide to go back to my truck and hold on to him and maybe somebody will come outside looking for him.

“How the fuck he get away, nigga!” I heard a lady say downstairs.

I started to rush down the stairs thinking it was one of his family members but it wasn’t. It was two fucking hypes. I’d never seen them before but the male hype was holding the baby bottle I spotted earlier. When they saw me carrying Los as I came down the stairs, they both took off running. My heart dropped when I saw this because I knew something bad was just about to happen to him and didn’t or possibly already had. Something told me to go back upstairs and try knocking on the apartment door one more time before I took him to my truck. But by the time I got to his floor, a door opens up way down the hall about 7 doors from little Los’ apartment. And guess who pops out? My ex bf and Los’ cousin Tanya who usually babysits him.

“There he goes!” My ex said.

Tanya’s hair was a total mess and she had one Air Jordan on as she limped over. Tanya reached over to grab Los without saying a word to me and I pulled him back from her like he was my own son.

“Bitch, where were you?! He could have got kidnapped.” I shouted.

Tanya smelled like weed and looked like she had been laying down all day. Tanya eventually grabbed Los from me and went to her apartment without a word to me or my ex.

“You’re fucking her too, huh?” I said.

David gave me the same old dumb look he always gave me when he was about to lie.

“Don’t say anything, nigga. I don’t even wanna hear it. Just get the bags out the truck and have my money ready in 6 months.” I said handing him my keys.

[raymondvelez]

2 Owls

“Can I get 2 grape-flavored white owls?” I said sliding a twenty on the counter.

The gas station clerk grabbed two cigars from off the wall behind him and about $17 worth of change out the cash register. I stuffed the change in my jacket pocket and kept the blunts in my hand as I walked back to my BMW with expired plates. I hadn’t driven my car in a while so the gas tank was still practically full. This was one of those mandatory joy rides you had to make on a vintage foreign car because when you don’t drive a car enough and just leave it sitting, all type of stuff start happening to the transmission and what not.

I never drive too far. Just a few miles around Logan Square or Humboldt Park. I’ll usually just let my sister drive and I ride shotgun to stay out of trouble. But my sister was out of town and I needed to get out the house anyway.

I wasn’t good at rolling so I was rolling on the way to pick up Lisa cause I hadn’t seen her since our college days at Northwestern. I would write her English Papers and she would write my Biology papers. She became a nurse. And I became a greedy banker because being a teacher wasn’t going to cut it when I had lawyer fees. She had just moved back to the hood too. But her stint was looking more permanent cause her father got really sick and it honestly just wasn’t looking good for Mr. Reyes. Student loans and medical bills don’t stop. But neither can you. You know?

I pulled up in front of Lisa’s child home apartment on Drake. She popped right out. Lisa is a very attractive woman but it’s like life made her forget it. Kids, abusive baby daddies and life can do that to you. Lisa was hiding her eyes behind huge reading glasses, a northwestern hoodie and Jordan 9’s. It was like she got dressed using whatever I had in my closet. Her pony tail was messy too.

“Hey Los.” Lisa said after pecking my cheek.

“Sup, Lisa.” I said handing her the blunts and the eighth I had just bought. “There’s some cd’s in my glovebox you could use.”

“Damn. Right to the point, huh? No how are you?” Lisa said digging in my glovebox.

“You know I’m pressed for time and I can’t get pulled over.” I replied. “How’s your dad?”

“I don’t want to talk about my dad.” Lisa replied.

Lisa pulled out my copy of The College Dropout and started breaking everything up on the booklet.

“Why you playing V103?” Lisa asked.

“Cause it’s night time and I like to relax at night. Everything ain’t about turning up.”

“I’m not trying to turn up either. But damn. This song old asf.”

The radio was playing “Remind Me” by Patrice Rushen and I did not want to change the station cause I really loved this song. It was literally one of my favorite songs ever.

“What you tryna hear?” I asked.

“You can leave it.” Lisa replied already licking the blunt.

I kept on Armitage until I saw Margie’s Candies and then made a right on Western so we could smoke in Humboldt Park by the Paseo Boriqua signs on California.

Once we parked, we lit the blunt and took several puffs each in silence. We were still as tight as we were in College. Distance and years of no communication couldn’t change that. We were family.

“Why you so quiet, nigga?” Lisa asked.

“You quiet too!” I replied.

“How are you, though?” Lisa asked. “You always checking on me which I appreciate and all. But you gotta start making things more about you, Papa.”

“Here we go.” I replied. “Look, I’m good. Never better.”

“If you say so, Los Cruz.”

“The whole government?” I asked laughing.

“The whole government.” Lisa replied matter-of-factly.

Once the blunt was finished, I opened the sun roof to let in some fresh air. I was taken back by how bright the stars were. And despite being hidden behind clouds, the moon was still visible in a subtle, but still beautiful way.

[raymondvelez]

Green Pillow Cases

I didn’t want to change the pillowcases because it still smelled like Michelle’s hair. I know that sounds weak af. And I wish I could tell you that it wasn’t true, but I’m sorry. It is. I miss her that much. I have a problem missing anything and everything. But Michelle continued to tug at my hurt and make me smile until eventually she left me piecing it back together while rocking a frown.

The days are the hardest for some reason. The nights are tough too, but the sun shines so bright lately and I know Michelle loves that. I know she needs it. I hope she’s having a good day and isn’t still so angry with me. This is the longest we’ve ever gone without talking; ever.

I'm going to wash them along with the comforter and sheets tomorrow.

[raymondvelez]

Carnicerías Jimenez

I just needed a few things. Some more eggs, some chicken breast and a couple 2 liters of RC Cola. I was just about to leave my place in line to go back and get some Vitner’s Hot Crunchy Curls but the cashier was ringing everybody up and getting them out the door fast.

“Los?! Is that you?! What are you doing here? I haven’t seen you in forever!” Laura said adjusting her apron.

Me and Laura go way back. We went to Darwin Elementary together and I’ve basically known her since 3rd grade. She was always so nice to me and I would even print out her homework assignments for her and bring em the next day to school cause she ain’t have a printer at home. If I’m not mistaking, I’m pretty positive one of her floppy disks from 8th grade is still on my mom’s desk full of old book reports. I never got to print out her essays and term papers cause my mom put me in a private High School and we lost touch.

“Hey Laura! How you been?!” I replied.

As I started laying my merchandise on the conveyor belt, Laura came around and greeted me with a much needed hug. She didn’t know it, but I couldn’t have been happier to have run into her. I miss having people like her in my life. Laura is one of those girls that stood out of trouble with the girls who started drama, never went to the basement house parties and always wore her hair in those crunchy curls Puerto Rican girls get by using hella hairspray.

“I been good. Just back in the neighborhood helping my mom with her real estate. She’s tryna sell her properties and retire in Puerto Rico soon.” I replied.

“That’s awesome! But I’m sad to see her go. She’s so sweet. She’s always in here bragging about you. By the way, I’m sorry about your loss. I went to the funeral but I got there too late and you were already - -“

“It’s okay. I promise. I’m good.” I said cutting her off.

I didn’t want to talk about my dad. I don’t even wanna talk about it to ya’ll. We weren’t always on the best terms and I just barely made peace with his departure.

“I heard you had a daughter. How old is she now?” I asked grabbing my groceries.

Laura responded by pulling out her iPhone and showing me her lockscreen of a young toddler just like a proud mama would.

“She’s two.” Laura said.

“She’s beautiful. Just like her mama.” I replied.

Laura gently tapped her heart as I said this and came over to give me one last hug I couldn’t reciprocate because both my hands were now holding plastic bags.

I wanted to invite her over the house for dinner but I couldn’t bring myself to ask her. And honestly, as much as I miss me and Laura’s friendship, I don’t miss the memories she’ll come with if I allow her back in my life.

[raymondvelez]

Puppy Dawg Eyes. Part 4

I don’t know what the direct correlation was to women, wives and baby mamas of drug dealers, murderers and gang bangers wanting to lay in bed with me and watch Turner Classic Movies while we ate pizza and drank wine was, but here I was again; in Forest Park, candles lit and incense burning drowning out the scent of my cologne until her wine hit and now Samantha slowly inching over getting closer to me.

“Los, this movie is kinda boring.” Samantha said sweetly.

“My fault. What you wanna watch?” I asked reaching for the remote off the coffee table.

“Nothing. We can finish it.” Samantha said before letting out a girlish giggle.

What shorty was really tryna say is that she had no interest in the movie, but it’s all good because the wine is starting to kick in and she ain’t come to watch no movies anyway. I mean, you can never be too sure until you know for sure, but I was getting a strong sense of dejavu.

A couple more boring scenes later, Samantha eventually grabbed my face softly and gently turned it in the direction of her now seductive, brown eyes. I kiss a lot of lips before I use tongue but Samantha wasn’t even tryna have foreplay like that. Once she hopped on my lap to face me and make out some more, it became evident that she had very little time to waste. Sometimes I forget that women have to pay for baby sitters just to see me and they trying to get they money’s worth.

I think something is wrong with me. Sometimes I really just be trying to hang out. My bedroom door was closed but she turned that knob like she knew exactly where my bedroom was. She couldn’t have. But my apartment is a 2-bedroom and she had a 50/50 shot of being right. Lucky guess I guess.

We entered a bedroom of a rarely but currently made bed, more scented candles burning and a nightstand with the top drawer filled with just enough condoms and way too many pairs of Calvin Klein boxer briefs.

I started to slowly remove Samantha’s clothes. I normally start with removing a woman’s top first, but something told me I shouldn’t even waste time doing that and just go straight for her jeans and panties.

“Los, what’s wrong?” Samantha asked me. “What you mean?” I asked.

“Are you not into me?”

“Of course I’m into you.” I replied.

“Then why do you look like your puppy just died?”

I just stared back at Samantha mindlessly with nothing to say because I didn’t really know how to respond to that statement. All I knew was that I just wanted to go home. And I did’t really know where that was anymore. Or if I even remembered the way.

[raymondvelez]

Puppy Dawg Eyes. Part 3

“Baby, what day are you coming back?” I asked Michelle.

“I told you like 3 times, babe. Tuesday the 22nd. You don’t listen to me.”

“I’m sorry. I forgot.” I replied softly.

Michelle was laying on my chest as we relaxed on the couch. She was scrolling through reels on her Instagram just laughing like an evil villain at everything she watched. It was like every 30 seconds or so, she’d laugh like she’d just witnessed the funniest thing she’d ever seen on the planet. Then it dawned on me that Michelle kinda stopped sending me reels to my DMs. Every day for months I’d wake up to at least 3 of them. Most of them wedding ideas and clips breaking down the cost of real estate in Texas. But lately, she hadn’t really been sending them anymore.

“I have to leave in a half hour. It’s almost 11 and - - “

“I know. You have to walk your precious poodle.” I replied staring at my writer’s space that always seemed abandoned no matter how many pages I got done that day.

“Not my man being jealous of my dog.” Michelle challenged.

She had just caught her breathe from all her laughing and I was sensing Michelle’s familiar sarcastic tone challenging me again. I never really minded Michelle’s sarcasm. I mean after all, her wit and charm were two of the biggest reasons I was even considering moving to Texas and starting a new life with her.

Michelle began rubbing the side of my head while still giving her iPhone full attention. The constant rubbing of the side of my fade was a soothing form of support I’d grown to rely on; but innately knew, I could no longer lean on.

[raymondvelez]

[raymondvelez]

[raymondvelez]

[raymondvelez]

https://x.com/blurayray/status/1763975682818769348?s=12&t=4XyAkpJmC99r6Yh5ipFBmg

[raymondvelez]

https://x.com/blurayray/status/1759872657351172555?s=12&t=4XyAkpJmC99r6Yh5ipFBmg

[raymondvelez]

https://x.com/blurayray/status/1761478955888959496?s=12&t=4XyAkpJmC99r6Yh5ipFBmg

[raymondvelez]

https://x.com/blurayray/status/1755124100966539389?s=12&t=4XyAkpJmC99r6Yh5ipFBmg

[raymondvelez]

I don’t get to see my cousin as often as I used to. She’s just a couple years older than I but she’s already dating college guys. So our friend circles have changed drastically since she became a senior. Either way, I still love my cousin very much and I tend to trust her judgement when it comes to well; just about anything. Is she slightly overprotective of me? Hell yeah. I got in honors classes freshman year and now I gotta carry the whole Cruz family legacy on my back it seems. That’s why when Anais pulled me to the side in the hallway, even though the bell had just rang, I knew I wasn’t gonna wanna hear what she was about to tell me.

“Is it true you’re messing around with that Irma bitch?” Anais asked while pinning me against my locker.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. And don’t call her bitch.” I replied.

“Oh my God! You are.” Anais shouted. “How in the fuck did you get mixed up with someone like her?”

“What are you talking about?” I asked playing dumb.

“Los, I don’t even wanna know how you met her or what the hell she sees in your dorky ass. But you need to end whatever the fuck it is that ya’ll got going on. And I mean today.” Anais insisted.

“We’re just friends. Why you trippin?” I asked.

Irma and I are more than friends. As a matter of fact, she’s practically my girlfriend. We’ve done everything except sex.

“Los, that’s Pucho’s girl. That bitch is a Latin Queen and she’s had grown ass men set up.”

“You’re lying. And stop calling her bitch. You’re just hating.” I said.

My cousin doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Me and Irma talk on the phone everyday. I would know if she gang banged.

“Why I gotta lie to you? Remember that funeral we went to for that guy who got shot coming out of Jimmy’s Red Hots?” Anais asked sounding super frustrated.

“Yeah.” I replied.

“Who do you think asked him to go pick up those hot dogs and fries?”

Anais still had me pinned to my locker. So when some random teacher passed by and asked what was going on, I was relieved. I just wanted to go to class and forget everything my cousin had just told me. I had that feeling in my stomach you get when you receive really bad news. I was pretty sure my cousin was wrong, but just the thought of Irma being someone else’s girl made me sick to my stomach.

[raymondvelez]

a 2-flat in Forest Park

Anniversary by Tony! Toni! Toné! was pumping out the speakers of my Macbook Pro. I knew deep down inside we would never celebrate one of our own, but that ain’t stop me from telling Annette what she needed to hear over breakfast delivered from Yolk. You see, I ain’t even have a couch in my apartment yet, but Annette was adamant about spending the night on the weekends with me because she found it romantic how we would sit on comforters and decorator pillows with eggs, sausage, and mimosas spread out in the sala like we were on a picnic. Looking back, we actually were. You see even in the temporary, there’s a final result, and you have to learn to recognize that and accept it or you’re going home empty handed all together.

I can’t really pinpoint where me and Annette’s relationship started to go left, but once it was obvious our bond was on the decline, I began to shut her out. That’s not even me. Because compared to most men, I’m quite the communicator; but that ain’t stop me from denying her sex and turning my back to her when we slept. By the time my couches got delivered it was only a matter of time before I was the one volunteering to sleep on it because I secretly resented her.

Sweetest Day may have been the sweetest but once a woman accuses you of being too good to be true, you’re probably too good for her. Impressing bitches with the bare minimum is a dangerous position to be in. Pull your dick out asap. Don’t leave it in.

[raymondvelez]

Letter to my former

Dear Vanessa,

I hope you’re okay. I’m so sorry about Kevin. I cried when I found out. Just know he’s in a better place and he’s waiting for you in heaven. If you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask. When Candace had that miscarriage, a piece of me died with our daughter. The void you’re feeling right now never fully goes away, but it slowly becomes more manageable with prayer and being around those who love you. I know everything feels numb right now but please keep pushing. Your kids need you more now than ever. Raising two boys on your own is one of the hardest things a woman can possibly do. Please believe me when I say that you’re not alone. If the boys need shoes, school supplies or just money to get outside the house, please call me. My mom still lives on Potomac and every now and then I come by to visit and order from Jimmy’s. I know your ass still loves that place. I’ll call you next time I’m in the area. Love always, Los Cruz

P.S. check your account. There’s a blessing in it.

[raymondvelez]

a city I've been to before

“I don’t feel that you appreciate me for who I really am.” Annette said with the straightest of faces. She didn’t just believe her own bullshit, she actually felt wronged.

Can you believe her? The absolute nerve. I’m tired of this woman already. She doesn’t have the slightest idea of what I’m actually going through. Even if I felt like communicating with her, she wouldn’t understand anyway. Annette has this tendency of getting extremely upset and raising her voice for little to nothing. I know her so well. If I say what I really wanna say, she’s gonna wanna fight. I’ve already had to wrap my arms around her to stop her from swinging time and time again. Because of her lack of a father, I’ve inherited a daughter when I needed a partner.

“How so?” I finally asked breaking the most awkward of silences.

I didn’t really care what she had to say at this point but Annette is deeply attached to her ego; and once you bruise it, she’s likely to reciprocate.