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Just seen a bathroom sign that says "Femmes". Unsure if this is woke or not.

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Current favorite incorrect song lyrics (brought to you by the 5 year old)

3. I'm just a teenage dirt pack (Teenage Dirtbag)

2. Stuck in my headlight (Stuck in My Head [by TWICE])

I've been cheating on you since I don't know when (Mamma Mia)

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"I was unhappy with my service, and I will not be coming back!"

Cool. Don't

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God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers and I'm dodging the draft

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It was the worst of times (all my book/TV characters? dying), it was the best of times (they released this year's renfaire cast)

It was the best of times (I get to follow new renfaire people on instagram so I see all the funny things they do with their characters when a five year old is not around), it was the worst of times (some of the renfaire people follow me back and I scream in panic)

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Me, age 10, doing an essay on the pharoah’s curse for school: huh. So this archeologist that died and everyone thought it was because he disturbed the pharoah’s tomb actually died because he used a rusty razor to shave and it infected a mosquito bite. I can see how people could come to that conclusion, but it is a bit silly

Me, today, shaving my mosquito bite-ridden legs: I must tread carefully lest I incur the pharoah’s wrath

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when you save alarms for specific things but then you just keep reusing them. like sure wake me up at the chocolate milk alarm, what do i care

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Puts my gun on the table everyone groans cuz it has to be used before the night is over and now everyone knows its act 1

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my roommate got amongus ejected from a polycule a few years back and shes always told the story as "i started argung with one girlfriend so she manipulated my other girlfriend to turn against me." and while i dont know how true to life that version of events is i do greatly enjoy imagining the polycule equivilent of the kings evil advisor whispering in their ear grima wormtongue style. its got a flair to it.

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cooking baking

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Was talking to a coworker today who explained that her grandfather was like Snow White “but Californian. And an old man.” in that the creatures of the forest would follow him around and presumably duet with him.

“When he died the ravens sat in the trees outside for a week, watching. Taking turns. A horde of raccoons tried to break into the house every night, tearing at the siding. Eventually they gave up, but it was unsettling.”

“Aww. They were checking on him!” I said, like a normal person. Internally, I thought “Maybe you could do the thing you do with dead pets, where you show them to the living pets so the living pet understands they’re gone. But I guess if you did that to a bunch of scavenging species, they’d be like “Well, that’s very sad but he IS food now.” So what you’d need, for human sensibilities, is some sort of transparent corpse barrier. Like a see-through coffin oh that’s what the dwarves were doing! You’ve stopped paying attention to this conversation about the loss of a beloved family member you gotta phase back in.”

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but do not fear, everybody!! we now enter three months of my primary fandom being Big Brother (including live feeds) (I have a problem), which renders continuing this string of main character deaths impossible

on the other hand, if the news reports that for the first time ever, somebody on a CBS reality tv show has died during filming, you will know that I am fucking cursed

On second thought, maybe it was not a very smart idea for me to read The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, and read Gideon the Ninth, and watch JJ Maybank die on Outer Banks within less than two weeks of each other...in the year of our Lord 2025 aka the year Captain Bobby Nash definitely did not die