redpandanewsnetwork-blog

[redpandanewsnetwork-blog]

Trudeau Gives Away Indigenous Swag to Promote Pipeline Expansion

OTTAWA — Earlier today, Prime Minister Trudeau handed out Indigenous headdresses, replica tomahawks, and other swag to promote the expansion of the Trans Mountain oil pipeline.

Trudeau has pushed for the Trans Mountain pipeline project since he took office, and recently the Canadian government bought the pipeline.  Residents opposed to the project cite health hazards associated with past pipeline construction in Alberta and British Columbia. Many citizens see Trudeau as imposing on Indigenous land, contradicting his promise to represent such minority groups.

To sway opinions and show support for Indigenous people, Trudeau held an event in downtown Vancouver where staff handed out swag bags filled with Indigenous inspired clothing and toys, all branded with a sticker of the proposed pipeline passing through the Rockies and surrounded by wildlife drinking from a pristine lake. Along with the swag is an information pamphlet about the project.

The Prime Minister invited the president of the Pipe Line Contractors Association of Canada, Paul Schultz, to talk about how the Trans Mountain project could “embolden and enrich” Canada.

Protestors interrupted Schultz mid-speech. Police, in an attempt to subdue the protestors, shot hard rubber arrows from compact bows, which Trudeau insisted they use to “really get into the spirit of the event.” One officer, dressed as an Indigenous elder, recited a traditional prayer before throwing a canister of tear gas, which broke up the demonstration.

The confrontation between the protestors and the police led officials to shut down the event early.

Trudeau plans to hold similar events in Alberta and Ontario in the coming months to garner support for reelection later this year.

[redpandanewsnetwork-blog]

Government Shutdown Leads to Hasbro Stocks Spike

NEW YORK — Hasbro Inc. shares rise as the government shutdown reaches its 23rd. straight day, making it the longest in U.S history. 

Thousands of federal workers — resigned to their homes until the shutdown ends — look to board games to pass the time. 

Hasbro Inc. has enjoyed a major spike in sales as bored workers snatch up board games. Matilda Gomez says she’s “bored out of my goddamn mind,” and has bought six board games in an effort to occupy herself. “My husband and I must’ve played Battleship at least 50 times now.” 

Gomez isn’t alone, as many major department stores struggle to keep up with the demand.

Walmart announced a major shipment of new games will hit their shelves starting Monday, as the shutdown continues with no end in sight. Meanwhile, Target, struggling to keep up with the demand, issued an apology to irate customers. 

Marshalls stores throughout the country hired security to preside over the board games section of their stores due to looting and fighting in multiple locations. 

Hasbro President and CFO, John A. Frascotti, boasts: “This shutdown is the best thing that’s happened to this company since we released Clue!”

President Trump took credit for the stock rise, tweeting, “Hasbro’s rising stock is another example of I’m helping business in America. Great leaders make great business! #MAGA”

Stock prices are projected to rise as the shutdown continues. 

[redpandanewsnetwork-blog]

Revenge of the Nerds: Why Do Gamers Vote Republican?

This article was written in collaboration with independent journalist Zerker.

WASHINGTON — Our team of political analysts noticed a peculiar trend among voting age men who identify as "gamers." Nearly 90% of self-identified gamers voted Republican in the 2016 presidential elections. We decided to assemble a group of ten gamers to ask them why they voted Republican.

Only two gamers wished to have their names mentioned. We refer to them only by their first-names to protect their identities.

Adam, 24, is a gamer who voted for President Trump in 2016 and voted for the Republicans in the midterm elections. Adam explains to us that he voted for Trump and the GOP because he's tired of "SJW [social justice warrior] liberal snowflakes putting gay Muslim women" in his favorite video games.

We asked Adam and other like-minded gamers why this was such an issue for them. David, 22, tells us, "These SJWs dude, they keep forcing their gay agenda down our throats. We just couldn't let them keep doing it."

We asked for their thoughts on President Trump and the GOP's recent tariffs and economic plans. David responded with "Huh? What tariffs?" while the others gave us a quizzical look. Seemingly unable to respond to any questions about anything unrelated to video games and those they view as "shrieking SJW feminists," we wanted to dig deeper into their aversion to characters representing minority groups. Adam tells us that he believes SJWs are “force-feeding” diversity to the gaming community, and that this force-fed diversity constitutes the single greatest threat to society.

Perplexed by this, our team asked, "How is this the greatest threat to society? Surely climate change, terrorism, hostile foreign super powers, and  pollution are more of a danger to our way of life than a lesbian video game character?" The group of gamers responded with blank stares and glazed over eyes, with one refusing to look up from his Nintendo Switch.

We tried to find what the group believed to be the source of this “SJW intrusion” into the gaming world.

David believes the origin to be, "Liberal professors, media, and you know... like communists and cultural Marxists and stuff." After a pause, one of our team members asked the group a final question.

"Well, surely this increase in minority representation in media is the result of a profit motive driving corporations to appeal to broader, previously untapped, demographics and not the result of some Frankfurt School cultural Marxist conspiracy to destroy Western society's traditional values by having fewer straight white men represented in media in order to enact some half-baked plan to bring about a communist revolution. Perhaps your outrage is the result of discomfort in the face of an evolving, ever-progressing society; and the fact that you're trying to attribute these changes to some kind of conspiratorial plot to undermine your existence is actually because you feel threatened that some outside force is destabilizing your means of escaping reality, and the issues of society when, in reality, you're just uncomfortable with the changing times?" The group responded to this final question by uttering a collective, "What?"

[redpandanewsnetwork-blog]

EXCLUSIVE: Former Pentagon Chief of Staff, Kevin Sweeney, Validates Controversial Conspiracy Theories Concerning the Moon Landing, 9/11, and Extraterrestrials

WASHINGTON — On Sunday the former Pentagon chief of staff — Kevin Sweeney — resigned. The news of his resignation comes days after James Mattis, former Secretary of Defense, announced his departure from President Trump’s administration. 

In an exclusive interview with Red Panda News Network reporter, Melissa Mahoney, Sweeney validated some of the wildest conspiracy theories, such as the faking of the Apollo moon landing, 9/11 as an inside job, and even the existence of reptilian aliens. 

A transcript of the conversation is below.

Good morning, Mr. Sweeney. Thank you for agreeing to this interview. 

Good morning to you, Ms. Mahoney. It’s no problem at all. It’s nice to air out old laundry anyway [laughs].

So firstly, a question that I’m sure is on everyone’s mind: Why did you choose to resign? 

Well, to tell you the truth, Ms. Mahoney, it’s because I didn’t want to be there when everything collapses on the Trump administration. [Laughs heartily]

I’m glad to see you’re in good spirits this morning. I can imagine it must be tough working under a president who’s been known to shut out any sort of criticism. 

Ah, well, thank you. I smoked a fat joint about thirty minutes before coming into this studio. I love this newfound freedom I have. Normally I’d be nervous, but anyone who leaves this batshit insane administration is bound to land a book deal anyway. Case in point, Sean Spicer’s new book, The Briefing, and whatever piece vitriol Scaramucci released this past Fall [referring to Anthony Scaramucci’s newest book, Trump: The Blue Collar President].

Well, they do say that there’s no such thing as bad press. 

Unless you’re Hillary Clinton, that is. 

Point taken. Anyway, you told me before the interview that you wanted to shed some light on “matters of grave importance.” You mentioned that one of these “matters” is the staging of the Apollo missions and the moon landing. Can you tell me more about how this was staged?

Oh boy, yes, the Apollo missions were a whole bunch of baloney. Honestly, they just had some kids from NYU’s film and theater department covertly work with the Johnson and then Nixon administrations to stage a moon landing in Los Angeles. They just got a bunch of sand and juxtaposed some images of the beach and ran it through some filters. It was the height of the Cold War and the Soviets were launching apes into space and well, we had to respond to that. I mean, a monkey in space? How cool is that?! America really needed to one-up them, so we did with some good ol’ fashioned Hollywood magic. Getting the lighting and flag motions on photograph was rather hard though. As you can imagine, it’s not easy to recreate the moon on earth, but somehow they managed. 

Wow, so you’re saying that Americans have never visited the moon?

No American has ever visited the moon, but the lunar rover in the 90s was the real deal. By that point, we really did have the technology to send humans to the moon as well. But we already had the victory so it didn’t make sense for the government to fund NASA to send more people to the moon when rovers and satellites could collect all the samples needed. 

Unbelievable. Honestly, I’m not sure what to say. That really must be a tough pill to swallow for Baby Boomers. 

Yes, it is indeed. But swallow the pill we must if we’re to move on. 

There’s no shortage of wisdom from you, it seems. Another popular conspiracy theory is that the “Planes Plan” was a cover-up for the attacks on the World Trade Centers and the Pentagon, which for the former was a controlled demolition, and the latter a missile strike. Do the conspiracies here hold any water?

Absolutely. The Planes Plan was a complete and utter lie. My cousin, Todd Sweeney, was one of the demolition experts in charge of the towers. Sure, actual planes were involved in the Twin Towers attacks, but do you really think jet fuel could melt steel beams? That’s just ludicrous. The way those towers collapsed looked like something out of a Tonka Truck commercial. It was way too clean — the kind of controlled construction project our dear leader could only dream he was capable of orchestrating. 

And what about the Pentagon?

Oh, yeah, we just shot that son-of-a-bitch with a MIM-104 Patriot missile. That baby is a true work of American ingenuity right there. Probably the most iconic SAM [surface-to-air missile] in our Republic’s arsenal.

How is it possible that all of this remained such a closely guarded secret?

Same way that the CIA-sponsored assassination of JFK remained secret: through careful planning, big money, and vacuum-sealed lips. 

Wait, JFK was assassinated by the CIA?

Yes, but I don’t think we’re going to have time to get into that one. 

That’s true. Ah, but now I’m so curious... But back to the point; tell me who was in charge of the September 11 attacks?

It was mostly a threesome between Cheney, Wolfowitz, and Rumsfeld. Cheney’s got a long history of making money off of warfare with Haliburton. He goaded President Bush into following his lead. He manipulated Bush by attacking his insecurities. You see, George W. Bush was terribly anxious about living up to his father’s expectations. I mean, his father was a beloved president and George W. Bush knew he didn’t have the chops. But still, his father sort of pigeonholed him into the presidency. It’s a sad story about an even sadder man.

That’s a shame.

It sure is. As for Wolfowitz and Rumsfeld, well, they’ve had a neoliberal — or as I like to call it, a neolibtard — circle jerk for quite some time. They’ve always been war brokers and this was just another business plan as far as they were concerned. 

Well, this is all just so much to take in. If what you’re saying is true, it would change everything. And you’ll be going into far more detail about these and other conspiracies and government secrets in your upcoming book, right? 

Absolutely. I know it may seem presumptuous to think I’ve definitely got a book deal coming, but come on. If that jerk off Scaramucci can land a deal, then any idiot can. I mean, It’s a crazy time we’re living in. Hillary Clinton’s book [referring to Clinton’s book, What Happened], is a New York Times Best Seller, for crying out loud. This is the age of hack writers, I’m telling ya.

Is there any other conspiracy you’d like to confirm before our time is up?

The earth has been visited by extraterrestrial life. Roswell? Full of aliens. Our nation’s capitol? Also full of aliens. The whole “grays” thing is hogwash, though. The reptilian conspiracy theorists got it right. However, neither the Clintons nor the Obamas are themselves reptilians as some claim. No, they just work with them directly. But don’t hold your breath, Republicans, cause plenty of folks in the GOP work for them too. I’m sure he won’t admit it, but Paul Ryan plays pool with them every Saturday night. I’ll leave the rest up to the readers’ imaginations until the book comes out. But if you really can’t wait to find out then I suggest you find yourself a dealer and start smoking some DMT [referring to the potent psychoactive hallucinogen]. 

Well Mr. Sweeney, it’s been a pleasure. Thank you again for agreeing to this interview with me.

Anytime, Ms. Mahoney, anytime. 

[redpandanewsnetwork-blog]

South American Drug Cartel Members Become Llama Farmers in the Wake of Marijuana Legalization

LIMA — Two prominent drug cartel members—Juan-Carlos Pereira and Miguel Bustos—found themselves soul-searching as illicit marijuana sales steadily declined. The decline of the illicit marijuana market—the highest grossing narcotic the cartel sold—has led the two men to literally move onto greener pastures.

��It’s amazing how much your life can change in just a couple of years,” Bustos told our reporter. “Me and Juan-Carlos had a long conversation. To be honest, he was the one with the idea to buy the land. His grandmother used to raise llama[s] in Peru and she’d make the most beautiful quilts you’ve ever seen. Juan-Carlos used to help her knit all kinds of things for his family: socks, sweaters, ponchos, blankets. Everything.”

The men were high-ranking leaders of the cartel. The name of the cartel is left out protect the farmers’ privacy. 

Juan-Carlos Pereira with one of his llamas

When asked if leaving the cartel was particularly hard or dangerous, Pereira responded: “No, actually it was very simple. You see, everyone’s head is spinning. ‘Oh my god, what are we going to do?! We aren’t making any money!” Pereira explained. “We were losing so much money that our cartel had layoffs! Just imagine that; imagine a drug cartel having to tell gangsters that they can’t afford to have them anymore. It felt like life back at the factory that a lot of used to work at. What a joke!” 

The men rose through the ranks of the cartel after being members for over a decade. After profits started to slip, the men decided to leave. 

“So, one day I went to Miguel and said, ‘man, we gotta get the hell out of here.’ The whole business was going under, it was dangerous work, and it just didn’t feel right. We always knew what we were doing was wrong, but we needed to provide for our families somehow,” Pereira said fighting back tears. 

“Yeah, it was tough but we knew we needed to get out of that business. Our bosses were fine with it because they were looking to cut back on members anyway. There just wasn’t enough money to go around,” Bustos told our reporter. 

Miguel Bustos preparing a traditional Peruvian meal

Juan-Carlos now uses the knowledge he gained from working with his grandmother as a youth to knit his own clothing products. Bustos handles the business side—promoting the clothing and setting up bodegas around the city square—while Pereira raises the animals and knits all kinds of clothing and household accessories out of llama fur. So far, the men have seen great success. 

“I’m slowly learning how to knit like the master over here. One day, maybe I’ll be teaching Juan-Carlos a thing or two,” Bustos exclaimed. 

“Yeah yeah, and maybe I’ll learn how to run the books like Scrooge McDuck over here,” Pereira fired back. 

[redpandanewsnetwork-blog]

Men’s Rights Activists Demand an All-Male Remake of ‘Mean Girls’

LOS ANGELES — A group of men’s rights activists—calling themselves “The XY”—occupied a Paramount Pictures parking lot in protest of what they view as sexist discrimination against men. The group is demanding that Paramount Pictures remake the hit 2004 film, ‘Mean Girls,’ with an all-male cast. 

Quentin Peralta, the leader of The XY, says that there is a vacuum of aspirational films centered around manhood. “Why don’t we get a ‘Mean Girls,’” Peralta said. “I mean, you get such great role models in a film like ‘Mean Girls’ that captures the essence of the transition from adolescence to womanhood. Just look at the main character; Cady [played by Lindsay Lohan] is the guiding light of femininity and I find it unfair that us men don’t have a similar icon in Hollywood. I think it’s about time we have our own ‘Mean Girls’—I think we deserve a ‘Mean Guys.’”

Paramount Pictures spokesman, Dean Witherspoon, commented: “It’s not gonna happen.” 

Jake Schilling, the deputy leader of The XY, says “Hollywood is playing favorites.” “Just look at all the bad remakes that’s come out over the last couple of years. I mean, women got ‘Ocean’s 8′ and ‘Ghost Busters.’ Why don’t men get any bad remakes of hit films? Where’s our ‘Mean Girls’ and where’s our ‘Sisterhood of Traveling Pants?’ It’s bogus!”

The group plans to occupy the Paramount Pictures parking lot until the studio meets their demands. 

[redpandanewsnetwork-blog]

President Donald Trump Fails to Raise Funds for Wall, Vows to Build Moat Instead

This article was written in collaboration with independent journalist Zerker

EL PASO — Failing to strike a deal with Democrats in Congress, President Trump has instead decided to shift border security in a different direction.

The border moat plans come just one day after President Trump shot a migrant child three times in the chest.

Trump released a press statement on Monday detailing plans to build a moat across the border. Supporters of Donald Trump are calling it brilliant, while the opposition claims that the plans for a moat are absurd. White House staff responded to questions about the moat and how it would deter illegal immigration.

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders answered reporters’ questions about the efficacy of such a plan. Sanders responded, "President Trump intends to place alligators and sharks in the moat. These predators would be conditioned to track the smell of illegals."

When questioned on the practicality of such a plan, Sanders insisted that border security has already found methods to train animals using the migrant children in detention centers along the border. Our journalists asked Trump supporters on whether such a plan was ethical.

Many supporters were in favor of this plan, one saying, "Of course it is, these people come here illegally. If those children didn't want to be bait to train sharks, they should have come here legally."

A number of supporters see this as a symbolic move, believing Trump to be disassociating from Mexico by literally digging a divide between the countries.

Supporters of Trump, in favor of such isolationist policies, hope the President would go even further and dig a divide between the United States and Canada, completely detaching the States from any other country, and thereby removing the need for borders altogether.

Critics of Trump are calling the idea "childish and insane," but the White House insists that the plan is realistic and has historical precedent.

"What do you think they did in the old days?" said Trump during a press briefing that afternoon. "They built moats around castles. America is our castle."

Trump went on to praise the medieval policies, "You know, feudalism gets a bad rap, but feudalism isn't all that bad. I'd even call myself a feudalist."

Right wing outlets praised Trump for identifying with feudalism. One outlet—Breitbart News Network—referred to him as "His Majesty, King Trump of the Fifty States, First of his Name, Destroyer of Immigrants, and Greatest of Deal Makers."

Many Trump supporters are polling in favor of other feudalistic policies, namely a return to serfdom.

One supporter we asked about their newfound support of feudalism said, "These liberal snowflakes today don't understand real work. We need good ol' fashioned peasant labor to toughen them up. Make Our Kingdom Great Again. Hail King Trump."

[redpandanewsnetwork-blog]

President Trump Shoots “Annoying” Migrant Child Three Times During Detention Center Visit then Blames Democrats

El Paso — President Donald Trump shot an eight-year-old Guatemalan child during a surprise New Year’s Eve visit to the Casa Padre detention center in Brownsville, TX. 

The President claims he was “attacked by an annoying migrant child” during his visit. The violence escalated after the child,  Aña de Leòn Guerra,  purportedly attacked the President. President Trump shot her three times in the chest.  

The altercation comes nearly three years after President Trump bragged that he “could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and wouldn't lose voters.”

Customs and Border Protection Commissioner, Kevin McAleenan, claims that eight-year-old Ańa “opened up her arms wide and ran up to the President with a big, maniacal smile, while yelling in some language that sounded close to Spanish.” “The President—fearing for his life—instinctively reached for the Colt 45 that he carries at all times whenever he visits a detention center. Although the death of any child is a terrible tragedy, President Trump acted on an impulse that likely saved his life.”

President Trump announced an impromptu speech at the detention center as a medical emergency team rushed to the scene. De Leòn Guerra was pronounced dead shortly after the medical team arrived. 

“Although this is just terrible, terrible news, this is just the sort of thing that happens when we allow dangerous migrants to illegally cross our borders. Little Ańa was a poor, misguided child likely working as a gang member and drug smuggler—probably for the very dangerous and violent MS-13 gang—and she came at me like a wild animal. If only the Democrats would stop playing political games and work with Republicans on some common sense border policy—like funding the Wall—then tragic events like this could be avoided,” said President Trump wearing his signature “Make America Great Again” hat and waving his still-loaded pistol in the air. 

The White House has not released an official statement, presumably because White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders is struggling to find a way to spin the story. 

Leading Democrats have unanimously called for the President’s immediate impeachment, with Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren saying, “This is utterly unacceptable, disgusting, and a total disgrace to our nation. The world over will watch as our President slaughters innocent children. This man is a sociopathic murderer and we can no longer afford to have him in power.” 

The President has repeatedly attacked Democrats for refusing to fund his border wall, and has blamed them for the deaths of two other migrant children. 

The mother of Ańa de Leòn Guerra was held in another detention center along the border in New Mexico and is being transported by CBP to Casa Padre. 

[redpandanewsnetwork-blog]

A Group of Rogue Choir Boys  Arrested for Sexually Assaulting 22 Baptist and Methodist Ministers

HUNTSVILLE — Yesterday night, Huntsville police detained ten choir boys—who refer to themselves as “Sodomite vigilantes”— for sexually assaulting and threatening 22 ministers who served various Huntsville Methodist and Baptist churches. The survivors filed a joint-report to police last week who then detained the group at a local middle school after an hour-long shootout. No casualties resulted from the shootout. The boys surrendered and were detained by police at approximately 9:45 P.M yesterday evening. 

Ten-year-old Adam Grinnell—the leader of the group of rogue choir boys—told police that he created the group after the ministers had allegedly initiated sexual contact with some of his friends. 

Grinnell posted on Facebook under a fake account, “Mussy Mash,” which police used to track the boys’ meeting place to a local middle school. 

The group carefully tracked the daily activities of each of the ministers. Huntsville police chief, Dale McDonald, said in a public meeting that: “The [police]  department found evidence that the boys were planning these attacks for about four months. We have collected ample evidence and we will do our best to ensure that this case is handled with integrity.” 

All the boys involved are being charged with sexual abuse in the first degree, sodomy in the first degree, and sexual torture. 

Grinnell’s parents say that they were unaware of their son’s plans and that they will be praying for their son and the boys, the ministers, and their families. The families of the other boys declined to comment. 

There is no court date scheduled as of yet, though Huntsville District Attorney Antonio Russo says, “A court date will be decided soon after the New Year holiday.” 

[redpandanewsnetwork-blog]

Neo-Nazi and White Supremacist—Ben Shapiro—Celebrates Hanukkah at Local Synagogue

LOS ANGELES — Demonstrators wearing black and holding signs protested Ben Shapiro’s visit to a Los Angeles synagogue. The hero of the Alt-Right was seen donning a traditional scarf and covering his face as protesters tried to push against metal barricades in an effort to film his shame. The crowd could be heard chanting, “Hey hey, ho ho, back to Israel Nazis go!” 

When asked about the protest, Shapiro responded: “I don’t get why these Leftists think it’s possible for a Jew of all people to be a white supremacist and especially a Nazi. What they don’t understand is that I don’t hate Muslim people—in fact, my favorite maid is Muslim—I simply don’t want them living near me or talking to me.” 

The LAPD broke up the protests as Hanukkah celebrations were due to begin. 

[redpandanewsnetwork-blog]

United Nations Representative Tells Angela Merkel to “Open Bobs”

NEW YORK — Syed Akbaruddin—who serves as India’s permanent representative at the United Nations—received a harsh rebuke from fellow representatives after he demanded that Chancellor Angela Merkel “open bobs.”

Both Chancellor Merkel and Representative Akbaruddin have declined our request to comment.

“Representative Akbaruddin’s behavior does not reflect the values of our people. Unfortunately, Representative. Akbaruddin’s distasteful and offensive actions only worsens the stereotype of Indian men pressuring women to ‘open bobs,’ that is, to reveal their breasts. This shameful incident will be handled. The Foreign Ministry, on behalf of the whole of India, apologizes for Representative Akbaruddin’s behavior” read an official statement from the spokesperson of the India Foreign Ministry. 

Akbaruddin has since been suspended from acting as India’s representative at the United Nations, though it is unclear whether there will be a replacement. 

[redpandanewsnetwork-blog]

Bernie Sanders Announces ‘Prostitutes for All’ Platform for the Upcoming 2020 Presidential Election

WASHINGTON — Senator Bernie Sanders (VT, I) announced a ‘Prostitutes for All’ platform today for the 2020 presidential election. 

“I think these are trying times for many Americans—especially minority groups who find it difficult to balance school, working to provide for their families, and getting laid,” the Senator said at a rally at University of Massachusetts at Amherst. “We simply cannot allow this dry spell to continue... I just don’t understand how Republicans expect our young people to succeed in this world when they’re without medical insurance, working a side job to pay off their mounting student debts, and dealing with confidence issues to boot. A Prostitutes for All policy would reinvigorate the American ego the world over has come to know and love,” Senator Sanders exclaimed to the jubilant audience.

The details of the policy haven’t come to light though Sanders expects to meet with the House minority leader, Nancy Pelosi, to come to an agreement on the proposed policy. 

Jeremy Borgis, 21,  present at the rally, and an avid supporter of Sanders, finds the policy to be “reassuring and a long time coming (no pun intended).” 

“I go to school five days a week and work six nights a week. This school-work balance is taking up all my time and energy. My friends say to just use Tinder or Bumble, but like, then I’d need to risk lowering my GPA. It’s just so hard to find time to get one in—especially now that it’s my junior year and the workload has gotten much larger.” 

Maggie Fisher, 23, a graduate student studying sociology at neighboring Smith College feels “relieved and revitalized” about the proposal. “I haven’t orgasmed since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up in freshman year of college,” Fisher says. “Seriously, I don’t even have time to visit my apartment to rub one out before my shift at work starts. And then when I get home, I’m either studying or sleeping and I don’t even feel like masturbating anymore  It’s all just so exhausting!”

The funding for the plan would come from the government, which will contract with eligible men and women to prostitute themselves. “The proposed Prostitutes for All program would give students and people with limited mobility an opportunity to supplement—or in the case of particularly attractive applicants—completely cover their expenses and on their own terms,” says Senator Sanders.