reductosshrinkgun - Tumblr blog

[reductosshrinkgun]

My sister just started EMDR and I'm so proud of her cuz she's not fucking around with therapy in the best way. She's having to go over like a foundational lie she was told/absorbed that's affected her life the most.

Tell me why our lies are the same thing said two different ways lmaooo. And I'm fascinated by this because it makes so much sense — our mom targeted her but I was socially ostracized *whew*

I can't wait to talk to my therapist about this cuz she often asks who told me I was "bad". I've struggled to give her (and myself) an answer but have been getting better at just unpacking the autism of it all 😅

[reductosshrinkgun]

Me: I had a good "productive" 🙄 day, why do I feel like shit???

Also me: managed 10+ students, put on my "friendly" face for 8 hours, had *a lot* of sustained conversation including during my PM commute when I normally am a walking DO NOT SPEAK TO ME sign

Like, no shit I came home and spiraled. Having a "productive" day is starting to mean less and less. Simply because the end result is *intense* masking for 8+ hours and mounting anxiety once I get home and have time to ruminate about the entire day.

I'm at such a level where I desperately need to interact with people less and all that's happening is more interacting 🫠

[reductosshrinkgun]

Trying to bridge a conversation about how I think I hate full-time work and might need to do a hard break from work at some point

And it somehow got interpreted into a "career change" convo complete with advice and suggestions for pivots

Girl I said no work not new work. I'm re-evaluating what work and success look like to me and it legitimately might not include working in a full-time capacity. And it's convos like these that make it really hard for me to accept accessibility and support needs.

I don't want to feel lesser than because I think more than part-time is too much. I don't want to hear about loss of benefits without an acknowledgement that benefits like health insurance shouldn't be tied to work anyway. If I need to stop working completely I want that to be supported, I don't want to workshop work and how I can fit into this capitalistic hellscape. I think I want fucking out 😭😭😭

[reductosshrinkgun]

There's a particular type of Grindr message that's both annoying and funny af. I get them in the middle of the night from ppl on the hunt lol

They basically cast a wide net to maximize the chance of getting someone, but get *so* aggro if you point out:

1. They didn't check the distance, and/or

2. They didn't catch obvious info that we wouldn't vibe anyway

Like, why are you messaging me at 3AM from over 200 miles away talking about you need someone to slut you out. I'm a sub bottom too you dizzy bitch 😭

[reductosshrinkgun]

I posted about this "jokingly" on my Twitter but today my first patron *and* my last patron commented on my mask.

The first did this thing I've absolutely come to fucking hate – "oh... I should be masking 😔". Maybe if I had stopped for a second I would have offered the patron a mask, but I get so overwhelmed when people do this. It's like they want absolution for their guilt and I'm not giving that to them.

They see the social consequences (someone even *admitted* to my face) and then essentially "compliment" me, as if I'm not struggling intensely. As if I don't spend the majority of my time alone and in isolation. As if I'm not alienated from nearly everyone I'm surrounded by.

This shit is so humiliating to me – and it doesn't make me feel seen at all. It's utterly depressing.

And then the fucking last patron asked me why I was wearing a mask because COVID is over. This is some shit where I just had to shut down or I would lose my job.

Why am I wearing a mask? Because my dad fucking died and he didn't even have COVID. The medical industry was just SO FUCKED that I had to witness him fucking wither away and die in front of my eyes over 6 months. This is what disabled and immunocompromised people have been trying to tell y'all. If you die because medical help isn't available you *still fucking die in real life*. It doesn't matter if it's from COVID or a car crash or cancer. You still. Fucking. Die. And that's the headspace that last patron put me in. One of just rage.

Why say anything at all? What joy do you get from this? Why can't you mind your goddamn business? So I guess I started the shift depressed and ended it enraged. How great.

[reductosshrinkgun]

I know this is just the reality of -isms and all that, but I feel like I'm getting further away from find my ppl in a very real sense. It's unsettling and unmooring. Aka it sucks.

[reductosshrinkgun]

I talked to my date mate and it went like this

Me: Hey I didn't like my response to that and it's something I'm personally working on because I don't want to discourage you from sharing things with me.

Him: Oh... Thank you? But for the record I didn't notice anything off about your response

Me: Just... bear with me pls

I've really gotta slow down when I respond to people. My date mate sent over something he found personally validating, but that I unfortunately fucking hated. But instead of going "oh wow this is interesting, glad you found it helpful" or something neutral I was just like "yeah I really don't like this". But in an unkind way. And I never realize I might be being unkind until *after* I respond, so now I'm pissed off at myself. And fucking annoyed with myself.

I wish I just hadn't clicked on the thing! Or had said I would watch it later and then forgot (bc I always forget).

[reductosshrinkgun]

I just have some reactions to people/places/things that I actively dislike about myself. I work on them and internalize that shit deeply (problematically lol)

So I torment myself when I do them. Like "down bad, rest of the day is probably a wash, I'll remember this moment forever"

So I'm also working on that part bc um it's a bit too much in the long run. So I've learned to at least process some shit (any shit) by myself/with my therapists; and then let them know later it's behavior I've noted about myself that I'm addressing. And I really do work/address

It happens way less frequently than it used to in large part bc I'm stopped drinking. But still enough that I've had to seriously limit how much I socialize. Like, I hate being around people and communicating with them in a way I didn't use to. When I *was* drinking alcohol gave me a huge buffer – like, I cannot express strongly enough how my alcohol abuse was self-medication bc autism/ADHD/OCD. I can see that now with 3 years of sobriety (🥳).

So nowwww when these moments happen I just have to sit in them. I'm slowly (re)learning better coping skills blah blah blah it still SUCKS lol

I've really gotta slow down when I respond to people. My date mate sent over something he found personally validating, but that I unfortunately fucking hated. But instead of going "oh wow this is interesting, glad you found it helpful" or something neutral I was just like "yeah I really don't like this". But in an unkind way. And I never realize I might be being unkind until *after* I respond, so now I'm pissed off at myself. And fucking annoyed with myself.

I wish I just hadn't clicked on the thing! Or had said I would watch it later and then forgot (bc I always forget).

[reductosshrinkgun]

I've really gotta slow down when I respond to people. My date mate sent over something he found personally validating, but that I unfortunately fucking hated. But instead of going "oh wow this is interesting, glad you found it helpful" or something neutral I was just like "yeah I really don't like this". But in an unkind way. And I never realize I might be being unkind until *after* I respond, so now I'm pissed off at myself. And fucking annoyed with myself.

I wish I just hadn't clicked on the thing! Or had said I would watch it later and then forgot (bc I always forget).

[reductosshrinkgun]

My partner is being SWERFy and I'm gonna have to confront him over it. One of his other partners is thinking of entering some sort of SW and he has issues with the clientele she might have.

It's crossing some moral line for him that I actually feel doesn't make much sense, on top of saying he wouldn't want to even be friends with someone who has this clientele. It's actually really worrisome and I need him to know I have concerns about how he's approaching this, because I'm not sure he understands the implications of what he's saying. Namely: he isn't being a safe person for SWers to be around.

I think he has every right to feel how he wants, but he's taking a moral high ground that endangers SWers and removes their autonomy. I don't like that and I have to figure out how to talk to him about it because *no*.

I want to know where his line is because he's talking about things someone might not even be able to screen for in a lot of circumstances while being judgemental. I'm not enthused by this at all 😩 aka *eye* might not be comfortable continuing a relationship with *him* depending on his rationale.

Cuz he's saying it's for the safety of other partners... but is also saying he can't even be friends with someone how has this clientele??? Which is just 🚩🚩🚩 to me

[reductosshrinkgun]

I'm dreading classes starting back up in a way that's affecting what's left of my summer. I'm just so tired of the amount of stress it causes cuz it makes me feel like I'm in crisis mode before/during/after class and work.

I need to try for accomodations again (the disability office denied them last year lmaooo) so I can at least request an academic coach. Cuz even tho I was still stressed during my summer class, it included personal weekly meetings and I needed that.

My program is small and there's less than 10 of us (in technically 2 programs). But I feel abandoned without an advisor/mentor and it's just really jarring. I only had a designated faculty advisor for one semester and we barely spoke. I'm not sure she even recognized me at the end of the year lunch the school had.

And so much of the typical advice is "school is what you make of it" which isn't good advice for me. I'm already anxious around other people and am not the kind of person to network or be a go-getter. I wish I was and I've been made to feel bad about it, but I can't handle the anxiety it causes.

So being left like this in this program as I'm going into debt??? Is like, really fucking with me. And I think it's fucking with other people too – 1 person on the PhD track already left and another told me she was thinking of leaving as well (but she's also killing it making connections).

I'm just afraid this is another waste of money – which is how I feel about all of my various college experiences to be honest. I've never actually found a good fit in schools or programs. And it's demoralizing as someone who just wants to fucking learn. I don't care about the rest of this shit and being a part of academia, I just love research.

I'm doing well grades wise but at what cost? Especially since if I leave the program (or my job) I have to pay back tuition remission. So there's also a feeling of being trapped that's making things worse.

3/10 probably wouldn't don't this again under the same conditions 😞

[reductosshrinkgun]

On my twt I qrt'ed this saying I think about this a lot and by a lot I mean every night.

And it really is every night, it's usually what I think about as I'm lying in bed dreading the next day/week/month and all the shit I have to do alone.

And I'm not even *single* single, I have my Date Mate but we see each other infrequently. I actually told him that once he moves I'm pivoting to looking for a primary/nesting partner, which somewhat surprised him because he's a RA. But we have different support needs and I'm going through hell accepting that mine are higher than I thought they were. But I'm voicing them as I can so he understands where I'm coming from. And my therapist literally had to tell me it's OK to even voice this (LOVE HER 😭).

Like, I've realized one of the reasons I was in a massively codependent relationship with my parents and stayed at an abusive job for 4 fucking years – is because I subconsciously knew it would be a different hell if I left that relative "stability". I'm convinced the only reason I'm able to hold a full-time job (never mind drag myself through grad school) is because I have two remote days. That was unfeasible to me pre-COVID and having that type of flexibility seemed out of reach.

And even though I love living alone because it gives me maximum unmasked time, I'm struggling so fucking much. I even wish I had waited to do grad school until I found someone I was comfortable living with. I just be... By myself for the most part these days. Just waiting for grad school to be over and hoping I'll get to actually rest and recovery.

[reductosshrinkgun]

Love my therapist to bits. I told her about some extra gender stuff happening and her answer was: "you should check out leather spaces" 😭😭😭

[reductosshrinkgun]

I'm bored aka so here's a list of dating apps I use and my mini reviews:

Feeld - originally the most promising because it's more for polyam people; also the most fun at first. Has since devolved into lots of couples/swingers looking for thirds. Overall as someone who is interested in finding a primary, it hasn't been helpful. 7/10

OKCupid - has excellent identity options but has been paywalling too many features. And not to be mean but everyone I see say they like it best is typically white and a level of nerd that I'm not at. 5/10

Her - so I originally avoided this one because of the name, but this is where a lot of Black trans mascs are in my area which was exciting. The site and interface is cute and I love the banners you can use. But no one reads profiles; and there are too many "no poly" and "no mascs/femmes" comments for me to feel like I belong there. 5/10

Jack'd/Scruff - these are essentially the same cruising app. Like seriously they are exactly the same but color coded lmao. In DC Jack'd (red) has mainly Black queer men and Scruff (blue) has mainly white. I love the tagging system but can't find people in my area using said tags. I bumped it up a point because they're both less overwhelming than Grindr. 4/10

Grindr - has the most trans/non-binary people but finding each other also means opening yourself up to chasers. There's a wild mix on here but I get both the most messages and the most unwanted dick pics. Feels the most chaotic (though apparently Sniffies is worse lmao) but also has a great tagging system. The app also paywalls *a lot* and there are *constant* long ads. I would rate it so much higher without the ads. 3/10

Anywho they all ultimately suck and I hate them but still lurk on them 🤸🏾‍♂️. I'm a sex neutral ace/demi who's kinky af and I have limited time/energy. I look for people who are interested in intentional communication and kink education. I have not found a good app for my needs, at all, and figure I never will lol.

Like, if I was into NSA or FWBs I would be *eating* right now. But since I'm not (and I'm COVID cautious) it's hard as fuck to find good matches. It's all pretty stressful and demoralizing, so I don't take these apps seriously anymore. And they're all fucking paywalled and make us commodity ourselves in ways I'm not comfortable with.

(There are also multiple guides for trans masculine ppl and cruising apps like Jack'd/Scruff/Grindr. They have a lot of possibilities, they just don't work for me right now.)

[reductosshrinkgun]

Omg I got a bf after this in 12/19. And then we broke up within 3 months bc of COVID but without any closure. And then I realized I'm polyamorous. And *then* I realized I don't do relationships without kink.

So now I'm in a polyam queerplatonic relationship with a partner I call my "Date Mate". I like to say we're dating each other but also parallel dating. I would love to say it's a good match but it's been emotionally difficult. He's a non-hierarchical social butterfly and I'm in heavy burnout all the time (plus still COVID-cautious).

We make it work and there's lots of love, but we see each other infrequently. He's also moving to live with a metamour across the country, which brings up shit for me. So it has an expiration date which I think is best for the both of us.

(^^^ The shit in question is that after my dad kicked it I dated another guy - we were doing alright as a D/s couple but then I introduced him to a friend who was also a sub and he ended our relationship to date her. It wasn't malicious and it was done kindly. But it was still a "lmao worst fears confirmed" moment)

Someone get me a boyfriend, goddamn

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Holy shit it's been almost 5 years since I used this. Back bc Twitter is garbage and I need journaling space. So updates I guess?

1. I've been sober 3 years 🥳🥳🥳 I also have zero social life bc alcohol was probably my biggest masking tool 🙃 (see 4)

2. My dad went RIP 2 years ago bc of the medical/health care industry being overwhelmed by COVID. It was the worst, this shit has changed me forever, and my hatred for this country knows no bounds lolsob

3. I moved out and am independent for the first time in my life (heavily related to 2) and am in grad school. I am struggling *a lot* and am probably going to do an IOP once I graduate (see 4 lol)

4. I realized I'm very autistic and have higher support needs than I thought, I also got diagnosed with OCD (I requested evaluation). I'm convinced my old ADHD diagnosis was either a mis or under diagnosis and I'm livid about it

5. My egg broke so I'm a lil genderqueer bitch and shit. I've been on T for a couple months and am excited af

🌟Bonus🌟: I don't give a fuck about the MCU anymore and it's been so freeing lmao

[reductosshrinkgun]

Someone get me a boyfriend, goddamn