rescuemom2020

[rescuemom2020]

Another Year

My youngest brother passed from Liver Failure 3 days after his 51st birthday. I do not feel a devastating loss due to the fact I barely knew him/I am sad that he and I were fobbed of the relationship we SHOULD HAVE HAD if it had not been for the selfishness of my "mother"who kidnapped him at age 8 and move with her 2nd husband to Texas. I never had a relationship with him.He chose to go with her,and in so doing,rejected me and my other brothers.I have one brother left.I dont know what I would do if he was taken from me also.I am just extremely sad right now.

[rescuemom2020]

2021

[rescuemom2020]

5 posts!

[rescuemom2020]

Goodbye 2020

Finally this awful year comes to a close. Along with a New Year's celebration we will also celebrate the end of Trump. And the beginning of a Biden/ Harris administration. Now that a woman has finally been elected to the Vice Presidency it is only a matter of time that a woman will be elected president. I probably won't be alive then but,at least my descendants will be.

My youngest brother died 2 weeks ago from liver failure. He just barely made his 51 birthday. But,being so sick he was not aware of it or anything for that matter. I didn't really know him. My mother,after deserting her other children, took him at age 7 years of age and left with her 2and husband to Texas. I didn't see him again until I was in my early 30s. We were not close. I am close to my other younger brother,Thomas. I have only him now. 2 brothers have died relatively young. My other brother was murdered in LA in 1994. 2021 hopefully will be a better year.

[rescuemom2020]

[rescuemom2020]

Yogi. Having his daily run at the park.

[rescuemom2020]

Saying I am pissed off is a MAJOR understatement.

[rescuemom2020]

Me,Laurie and my boy,Yogi. I thought I had better put some photo's with the names.

[rescuemom2020]

Major Changes

A new era is starting "The Great Cojunction".It happens every 20 years, but this moment is even more rare and special.This alignment happens once every 200 years, and it may indicate a time when a shift in world power could take place. The next few days will be a kind of template for the future of humanity and the planet. Let's be honest.Democracy as a whole is NOT working right now and hasn't been for some time. The rich are getting richer and the poor are not only getting poorer but we are dying because of the inability and total lack of morality in our "elected"officials. Who seem to have forgotten not only that they work for US, but also the basic tenets of the oath they take when swore into office. As each year passes,the less of a voice we have.No one is listening. Cops are free to kill unarmed black men and women. Even in their own homes. Justice is not only blind, but deaf and dumb too. Because you wear a badge does not give you the right to kill because you are not able to get a situation under control or someone angers you because they ran from you out of fear that you would kill them. Not all black men are thugs. As one of the richest nations in the world, we have hungery and homeless people living in cardboard boxes,under over passes. Crime in these shanty towns is rampant. In 2012 my late husband was stabbed to death in one of these dumps. Those who profess to serve, never solved his murder. He was a junkie,well known to the town red neck sheriffs and cops. Our "mayor" who ran the Police department like a gestapo before becoming mayor.He was the leader of a bunch of bald mini-me's. My last name gives me the distinction of being one of the ignored citizen's. My town has always been an enclave of narrow minded, racist thugs. Who parade themselves as good christians. Although the new mayor forgets about have sex with a 16 year old while on the force.He is born again,so it doesn't count. I ahve become more cynical as I have gotten older. I have zero tolerance for stupidity ,lack of common sense and greedy liars. I didn't feel the effects of depression that others have faced during the Covid19 lockdown.Nor did I miss the lack of human interaction. I am in a constant state of depression and anxiety due to severe PTSD .Several month ago I went to a therapist online because my insurance has no doctors that practice Psychiatry. At that time I was prescribed Zyprexa and Prozac. Zyprexa is prescribed for bipolar disorder among other things and Prozac is prescibed for depression. I refused to take either one. I am not psychotic.Depressed,yes . I felt offended. But, eventually, just 2 weeks ago actually, I started the meds. At first I did not notice a change. But, today,I came to the sudden relization that over the course of several days my energy is back,I have been able to care for my dog,Yogi. I take him for walks everyday and I actually get up at a decent hour instead of sleeping till 4 or 5 pm. I have tendency to wonder off subject, thought bombard my brain and getting them out becomes a form of therapy. I don't actually expect anyone to read my posts,they are basically my rants on how fucked up life is and my battle to keep my sanity.

[rescuemom2020]

TRUTH

I am not good at lying. I stutter,and my face gets red and blotchy. Liars are people who have a deep seated fear of being exposed as less than human. They feel unworthy, and for whatever reason,feel that they do not measure up. When someone lies to me it infuriates me.Do you honestly have so little respect for me that you would lie to me? Nothing ticks me off more than lying and not using common sense. I think everyone can agree to the fact that 2020 was the worst year in recent time. 2020 started in 2016 with the swearing in of Trump and it just progressed into a real shit show. Pence as Vice President just showed how incredibly stupid people are.Trump's election brought out all the red necks, the maniacs,uneducated,homophobic and just down right UGLY human beings. I barely graduated high school but,I read alot and through my many travels in my 58 years I ask alot of questions. I can hold my own in conversation about anything and everything. There is no shame in asking questions,it just means you are open to knowledge. Nobody knows everything although some would have you believe they do. Which brings me back to Liars.Trump lied his first day in office.Over something so petty. The number of people at his swearing in ceremony. Not many people attended.But,in Trumps feeble mind he proclaimed it to be the largest in history. That first lie was followed by lies hourly.Trump lied about things he didnt have to lie about.I was disgusted from the first day. I knew he would bring America to the edge of hell.After he and his DNA mistakes robbed the country blind. I had little hope that Biden would win, Trump had already stole the last election thanks to Comey. Comey can deny it forever but,I believe he made the speech about the emails to stop Clinton from winning. He was told by his bosses not to do it so close to an election but,Comey did it anyway. I cannot imagine how great this country would have done in the midst of a pandemic,if Hillary was in charge.I bet she would not be playing golf everyday. Clinton has her flaws but,she puts country FIRST,not party. I am pretty confident that 2021 will be better. If not than we might as well face the fact that shit has finally hit the fan.

[rescuemom2020]

This is the photo that made me think about a rescue again.He looked so sad.How they got him to lay down I will never know.Yogi has a mind of his own. I truly believe that he was abused before. He has dog "dreams"that have him whimpering,growling and moving like he is trying to run away.And he shakes. When I first brought him home,he acted like he had been here the whole time.He refused to eat from his bowl.I had to hand feed him.He wants to constantly eat.I think that it is his way of dealing with situations that make him scared or anxious. Freaked me out at first.I figure he had a tape worm so I dewormed him. He has this disgusting taste for cat feces.I have a strong stomach,nothing affects me,but, the other day he did it and I dry heaved while dragging him away from it.Cat crap is the WORST. So,since I cannot seem to break him of this disgusting habit,I purchased a muzzle. I just don't know what else I can do.Along with the monthly deworming,I also give him vitamins,pumpkin seeds and papaya seeds.They help to keep his intestines clean and worm free.And the papaya also helps with stomach issues.No more eating grass. I love Yogi and I made a commitment when I adopted him,to take good care of him.I hope that I can continue to give him a great life.I think his first 6 years were not the best.

[rescuemom2020]

What will Normal Be in 2021

Since I spend all my time alone,it is easy for me to become obsessed with certian things.

Like the commercials they show. No one wears a mask.It would seem like everything was back to pre pandemic. When in truth, Americans are everything that other countries call us.Shallow,selfish,materialistic,and self absorbed.We spend all day staring at a tiny screen.Rarely looking up to see what is in front of us. That is not the kind of life I would want for myself or others. We have become so selfabsorbed that we fail to take pleasure in the world arond us. If,God forbid,the electrical grid goes out,how long do you think it will take before looting and violence breaks out.I give it 5 days.Tops.We are the most pampered,egotistical,mindless beings ever to inhabit earth.Not only have we disturbed sacred grounds but we have also systematically raped,pillaged and polluted the very thing that gave us life. A world that allowed us to grow food. In return we have given nothing back. I truly believe that we have been down this road before,many times. We just keep destroying everything. And that leads us back to a restart.I believe that this constant destruction will one day stopbecause instead of making the same poor decisions,we will eventually make the right ones. Right at this exact moment,I wish it would just end.But,that is wishful thinking.

[rescuemom2020]

A Little Glimpse

I have always had the ability to see things others could not. I saw my first shadow person when I was 5 y/o.I tried to tell my parents but they seemed to think I was a nut.I never told anyone what I saw.My paternal Grandmother had the gift of second sight.But,I did not find out about it until I was 10 or 11 y/o.

I have had visits from loved ones who have passed.My Grandmother came to me twice,But after my Grandfather died,she moved on with him and I have never seen her again.My best friend came to me,she explained to me what had killed her.One visit that truly surprized me was a visit from Gracie.Gracie was 9 weeks old when I found her at the local SPCA. At 4lbs. she fit in the palm of my hand.I took her home just before Thanksgiving in 2006. I had the joy of Gracie for 13 years. She was my girl.Cancer caused her back legs to stop working and I knew that it was time. Putting her down was devastating. I still grieve for her.She came to me with a huge pack of dogs,barking. The other dogs disappeared.Leaving Gracie and I alone on a dirt road.We both expressed our love for each other and I told her how much I missed her.Then her pack approached and I knew our visit was over.But,before she left,she told me that when it was my turn to cross,she would be waiting for me. I stood there,watching her run with her pack until I could no longer see or hear them.

I will continue this in my next post

Gracie

[rescuemom2020]

One of the many flaws I have is the inability to accept stupidity and the lack of common sense.It just takes me to the edge of pure unfiltered anger. I was not always this way.It has just gotten worse as I have gotten older. I was born with an innate ability to recognize those who had less than good intentions. The neighborhood pedophile,the friend of the family who wanted to sexually molest me under the guise of babysitting. I always just knew what they were thinking about. It made me uncomfortable,causing me to look around for a way to escape the horror I knew would come. Back in the late 60s early 70s people did not think about pedophiles,child abuse was unheard of and kidnapping and killing a child,if it happened,was covered up to the point that it never happened. I spent my early childhood locked in my pink and white girly bedroom,immersed in books. Escaping from the abuse dished out by the person who gave me life.Although she gave me life,she could not give me anything of positive value. I have a half brother but,he has never been a part of my family. He was named after my paternal grandfather,even though he shares no DNA with that side of the family.I can only assume it was an effort to kiss my grandfathers ass. Everyone knew he was not my fathers child. So,I am my fathers first born and a huge disapointment to her.I was born with paralyzed muscles in my right eye.Which gives my eye a lazy eye look and also prohibits my eye moving up or in tandem to my left eye.It gives me a look of being cross-eyed or my eye wanders .My paternal aunt advised her to put a patch over my left eye in order for my right eye to strengthen.She never bothered.Instead,because I was damaged,she did everything she could to let me know I was stupid,would never amount to anything and she would make sure I knew that everyday. There are few days that I remember not being bullied or teased. I also can not name one teacher that made a lasting,positive impression on me. Maybe it was because I came from a small town,where everyone knew my paternal grandparents and also knew my maternal grandparents who I might add were the subject of lurid gossip. Everyone knew that maternal grandmother was sneaking into the farm workers living quarters and having sex with my maternal grandfather.This was during the middle 30s to the beginning of the 40s. It was a huge scandal. In the meantime,my maternal greatgrandfather and my maternal grandfather had a conversation in the back of an ambulance in 1940.Greatgrandfather had a massive heart attack,and he made my grandfather promise him,on his death bed, that he would NOT marry the woman he was currently involved with.According to GreatGrand,she would ruin him,bring shame on the family and destroy his only son. He promised and then broke the promise he had made to the father he loved and respected. I truly believe that by breaking that promise,he caused something akin to a curse. Many people back in the 1700 to 1900s believed in bad blood.I know my family believed it. I could never figure out why we were treated differently in the family.Not by my Paternal Grandparents but by my aunts and uncles. I didnt find out until I was 50 years old.

[rescuemom2020]

Is It Just Me?

As I get older (oh,how I dread saying that) I tend to find myself looking back over my life.My childhood or my lack of one.I grew up with a "mother"who was constantly trying to validate her existence.Which meant dragging her 5 chidren to every kind of church and new wave crap she found during the week.Mormons,now that little foray taught me at age 8 to lie.To hide who and what you really are in order to get validation.The minute the "missionaries"knocked on the door she went into the fake realm.Hide the coffee pot,and the ashtrays and anything else that might give her true nature away.She even deserted us by having us wait on the Mormons to come to the house that night.While she walked out the door with her packed suitcase,to meet her lover.Not telling her children that my father had already moved out.She just didnt give a shit.2 days later my father knocked on my bedroom window having no clue that the mother of his children and on of her children had left and did not look back. Anyway,before she crushed the rest of my childhood,she was busy crushing any dreams or aspirations I might have up to that point.Busy woman. I am my fathers first born.I do have a half brother, who I think was the product of incest.Although I cannot prove it,he looks alot like one of my mothers close relatives.And considering the stories I have heard about cousin with cousin and uncle with niece,it would not surprise me. He also has her same thought process as in he thinks he is better than the rest of us kids.Granted,my brothers,one born 1 year after me,was gay and got involved with dangerous people therefore getting himself strangled to death in a cheap L.A. motel in the early 90s.Another brother who I am close to,has done his entire adult life in and out of prisons. Its where he is now.We talk as much as we can.I send him money every month like clockwork.Hell,I even sent him 800 dollars out of my SSID settlement.He is after all my brother to to be honest the only real family I have.My youngest brother was kidnapped by my mother at age 7 or 8.She had him committed whenever she met a new screw buddy.She liked picking them up in bars.Like mother like daughter.Her mother was a barfly and her father was also.Anyway,post for another day. My youngest brother is now dying from Hep C and cirrosis.Going downhill pretty fast from what I hear.The thing is,I DON"T KNOW HIM. So,I cannot feel anything about his eventual death.That may seem cold but,I will put it this way,do you feel sorrow for a stranger you may have passed on the street a few times? If your honest you would say no.You didnt know the person so how can you feel for someone you do not know? I am sorry he is dying a painful,brutal death but in retrospect,he worships the devil so I can hardly feel for him on just that issue. We have nothing in common. I find him very ignorant and really strange. Anyone who admits they worship a demon to me is way off in the mental department.And I tend to shy away from demons and those who are enamored with them.Its just not good for your mental health or your soul. Besides,I have enough of my own battles to fight. I use to care about what others thought about me.But,after some of the bullshit people have pulled on me,I could care less what anyone thinks.Being a doormat got me a dope fiend,wife beating,man-slut for a husband.When I finally had had enough I was 23 years old and had 4 kids. It went downhill from there.But,as before that is another post. I have always been a writer and a reader.Maybe in my soon to be 60s,I will revert back to my first loves. Lord knows I am no Edgar Allen Poe or Pearl S. Buck.But,the writing helps me vent about some of the things that whirl around my brain at night. Thats it.........for now

[rescuemom2020]

Is it Just Me? There are quite a few things that have really irked me the last 6+ years.The following observations are not in order of irritation.Some cause more irritation than others. First,I am shocked on a daily basis about the lack of empathy people have.Most people are so self centered that they have no regard for anyone or anything that is not in their shallow orbit.In 1918 there was a pandemic,The Spanish flu.Many,many people died.But,people had empathy and wore masks in order to slow the spread.No one was screaming about their rights being infringed upon,there were no Spanish Flu parties and even though the President at the time,Woodrow Wilson,did not take it seriously at first,he did not stoke the fire of resistance to wearing a mask.He did not hold rallies to stoke his ego and expose thousands to a killer. Another item that leaves me shaking my head in disgust are the outright lies being fed to an ignorant part of the population.There isnt enough to worry about? Its not enough that people have let the Russians achieve their goal of sowing division and casting doubt on our democracy but they actually are fighting for a dictator and a one system party to rule them.It never crosses their minds that the people they want to rule them do not give a crap about them.They would strip away every single life line they have.No medical at all,no federal help with natural disasters,no federal help to buy a home,own a business,loans to go to college,unemployment,SSI all of it would be stripped away.The 1% would only get richer off the backs of working families.Their rights would also be stripped.Just as the DOJ is unchecked now,it will only get worse.Crime would skyrocket do to a poor economy,because there would be few jobs. Another mind boggle for me is the total lack of intelligence.Is civics not taught in schools anymore?If it is half the population flunked it.Common sense seems to be lacking in 90% of the population. I was born in the 60s and grew up in the 70s and early 80s.I could not in my worst nightmare have imagined the country that my ancestors fought for from the American Revolution,War of 1812,Civil War (on both sides),WWI and II,Korea and Vietnam and Afganistan,Iraq would become a place with some much division over political parties battling each other for power.Not to help the people who have elected them but for their OWN benefit,their own wallet.Insider trading,colluding with a foreign power,perjury,theft by deceit,putting party over country,over the Constitution over the Bill of Rights.I wish I could say that they will not sink lower.But,they already have.By trying to disenfranchise areas that are predominantly african american.If that is not a clear message of racism that what is?By not conceding they are send a message around the world the America’s democracy is in teetering.They are setting up the newly elected President for failure.It is a plan the hope will win so that in 2024 they can win back the WH and resume their dismantling of our democracy.They have packed the courts with unqualified members that follow their vision of conquer and destroy by any means necessary. Fraud,perjury anything goes as long as it achieves the goal of power and greed.All you have to do is look back at the history of 30 years to see the every time a Republican was in the WH,the economy took a hit,the military was engaged for wars that we never should have been in.Democrats roll into the WH,fix the mess of the last administration then a Republican comes in and destroys it again.Clinton left Bush a healthy economy,Bush left Obama one of the worst economy’s ,at that time.Obama left Trump with a strong economy,Trump not only destroyed it he obliterated it.Trump will leave the WH with the worst economy since the Great Depression,maybe even worse,he still has over a month before he is gone.That is not the biggest worry.The biggest fear is th billions he owes,and who he owes.That “loan”is coming due.What secrets will he sell?Trump has proven time and again that he is willing to sell out everyone to save himself.And since he has already violated the Constitution too many times to believe he will not continue to sell out America the first chance he gets.Trump wants to cause as much division,violence and anarchy as possible.Sociopath to the bitter end. I was nevertrumper from the day he started his grab for President.Because of him,the Office of the President has lost its reverence,it’s sense of awe.He destroyed the elegance and class of the office.Everything he touches he corrupts,he takes it to the lowest depths possible.You know that that you are truly disliked when the ENTIRE WORLD dances in the streets,ignite fireworks and party because YOU LOST THE ELECTION.No more of an administration that has lied nonstop from the very first news briefing.I can wake up knowing I will not hear a lie or see Trump’s white trash spray on tan.Thank God the Grifters will be GONE!