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Embrace

in my dreams I hold onto you like the line of the train is falling as it moves through the tracks invigorated to see us getting along in shock, I get scared that it’s too good to believe and that’s when the nightmare begins usually in a train station if not already on the way to somewhere, a house, the same house that haunts my past. we arrive by foot, by car, by bike, and it’s always received…

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22

I feel like every year I always say the same thing. It’s been hard, it’s been painful, it’s been chaotic. But this year has a different tone. It’s been life-changing in all the ways that transformative years have. I never thought I’d come this close to death again, at least not outside my head. This year I gave in. I found myself filling up the glass so high that at one point I just did not…

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Answer of the day

Answer of the day

At this point, there’s enough questions surfing through TikTok that anyone who struggles to succumb to the truth will lose faith in answers. Yet when the rhythm of “Good Days” unravels a masked sadness, I know why the answers aren’t spelled out into words. They belong to the silence that unraveled with you. There’s enough ambiguity between who we are and how we are that it has become so…

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Estranged

Alone. For so long I’ve been alone, not just lonely. I remember being a kid who saw, spoke, felt, mourned, and had hope. But it was not based on the ideas that those before me and those after me would provide me with a net of safety. Now I have to rise up and be the net, and hold myself, and hold them back. I got used to the silence in my bed. I got used to the sweats and the tears. I got used…

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liberation

I feel her in the tea that I know by herb and not by brand,  she’s glistening in shadows that hug the city. The mountains forget what time it is.  they lose themselves in the clouds like when my tummy hurt at the beach and all I could do is lay lay lay looking up trying to figure out who was looking down what is a God if not the desire to be perceived with purpose rather than objective I…

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Mustard Seed

le dije a mi mamá que quería moriry dijotu corazón es como un grano de mostazashe said pain was here it’s watered it’s mustardthe pain in my soul had roots that broke bonesit chews on a generationdeja rastro de muerte en la sed de serpientespero le dije a mi mamá que quería moriry dijotu corazón es como un grano de mostazacrecí a conocer que a b o r t a r fia su arriendoy que de mostaza muere el…

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What I bring to the table

What I bring to the table

the table holds knives that butcher my skin taking a lapthe breaths of gasp taking effect weathering goodbyes “she’s awake, she’s awakeup the dose, up the dose!” intubated by the season smells of rosemarybees pollinating sucking dry tears of stalkinggawking recipes leaving residues of bloody posturenailing promise into gaze i saw the light by mistake “she’s awake, she’s awakeup the dose, up…

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arcoiris

I thought words only painted images or things we want to see but can’t, i’ve founf words also paint nondescriptive anthems. splashes of paint consumed by deepest fears // depressive episodes glassed with bloody // cuts // their skin fresh in mind and soul, wanting to absolve intrusions while numbing empty hope running engines of easels, they’re all mine. mania ain’t so bad, when it paints…

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medicated

late at night chemicals in my brain react to whispers of vanguard dissolved by a little pill served by my new corner pharmacy rooted in mannerisms of expectation seeking performance aside from revelation feeding the emptiness of melancholia weighing high functioning cycles exhausting every tear possible as raiding disruption turns into abduction clinging to images of bare…

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The voices in my head

The voices in my head

you know what bothers me the most? it’s never how much someone pulls away, or how they read your scars with self-diagnosis, how they judge your responses. it’s the lies. the lie of their care. the lie of their fear. the lie of their contempt. am I so gullible to think that still, through the lies, I can love you? I must be so crazy to see your pity as high regard. I had forgotten that silence…

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Estrellas

sera ya? sera ya que se me agotaron las estrellas? que el cielo llego a mirar mi destino y dijo, cuantas ganas que le faltan a estas pilas de recargarse cuanta pena que las ganas que no tiene se fugaron a otra galaxia. Aveces me siento como la arena fuera del mar, permeable y absorbente, pero no luminante con granos que forman escondites para los que ni al espejo le creen la…

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