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rezilient-m3 · 2 years

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Aug 23, 2022

Lots of half assed updates. Start with my dream bf S. That didn't go anywhere lol. He always talked about how he wanted me to make the first moves (as in sex), but he couldn't commit to seeing me, or taking the time to even try. So, I asked him, again, what we were doing and stupidly mentioned that I was out here acting taken (to other guys) when we weren't even a thing. He told me he did like me, but is in no position to be starting a relationship. That honestly kinda hurt. I was sad for a moment lol. Then, said at least I know now. I'm not going to force somebody to want me, especially knowing of how good I will be for the right person. Still a little salty, but as the days pass by, the more I'm okay about it. We weren't really anything tbh, it was just all these fantasies and made up stories I made about us in my head mostly. He's a good man, I won't deny that. But when someone really wants someone, they'd make the time and put in the effort. I was totally being stubborn about that the whole time, thinking he just needed time. Because I really liked him. But it's done.

Hmm, what else.... my job is done on Thursday morning at 6am. Not technically, since I will still be a casual, but no more fulltime shifts for me. I put in my notice and said the 25th is my last day. Orientation in a week. I still need to figure out my student acct and phone the help desk lol. 🙃 I'm excited. Scared. Nervous. But it's how I always am when I'm starting something new. I know I have the potential to do well. Idk tho, still shitting myself about it. Lol.

Hmm. Alex? He told me he has a girl friend. Put those words separate cuz he said they're not serious yet, but they're visiting and they're on their way to that point I guess. Idk how I feel. At first I was shook. He told me 5 minutes before I had to leave for work last night. So, I've had a day to process it. In a way, I always thought he'd always be mine. Sounds selfish. Idk how to explain that lol. But he's not. It over over now lol. So, I was really trying to feel what I feel. Then I thought, she better be decent enough to okay with me still around sometimes. And especially be good to our son. Idk. We'll see. It's funny tho, cuz I thought I would have been the one to have a partner first. Lol.

Which brings me to the next cpl guys. NY is only on snap. And 10 yrs younger. But messages frequently to check in. He knows what's going on in my life. There's something there. I like him. But he's NY lol. He talks about seeing me, me having a baby (jokingly), about moving here. I just don't know how serious to take him lol. I don't actually. But that's that.

And another dude on snap. Idk if I've mentioned him. He's J. Met him on that site months ago. Added him in April. Never met him. Lol. Been putting it off and not going through with it because of S. And since that's no longer a thing, I think it's safe to just see. Idk what he thinks of me or what exactly he wants, cuz he mostly just talks about sex. But he talks to me, now, like he likes me. (I know I could sometimes sound like I'm full of myself, but hard to explain cuz I feel like I just know). Plus, he's seen me once at the casino, but didn't approach me cuz I was with my nephew. So, he's seen me. I can't make excuses about him might not liking what I really look like lol. Anyways, right now he's on a vacation in another province, says he'll be back Friday. He randomly messaged me yesterday saying he wants to meet, no more excuses. So, I just said ok. I'm leaving Thursday with my sisters on a trip too, so I said I might not be back till Sunday. Lol. But we'll see if it a tally happens.

Plus, I put myself back on fb dating, embarrassing I know, but I like you can actually see who's liking you lol. I talked to this guy since yesterday and he seems decent so far. I didn't even know he was Cree like me. Just moved to the city. Has two kids. Told me 5 was a blessing lol. And really liked what I said to say about my future and how I'm doing with my kids. Idk. We'll see how that hoes too I guess. 🤪

Just hoing lol. Not even sry. I can explore. Find out what I want. Right? Lol. Plus, I was talking to this stranger randomly, from that site, and I mentioned how I hate dating and I was being super picky, and he said said something that stuck. Something about I shouldn't always be picky, especially if I'm not meeting the in person, because I could be letting the good ones pass by. So, I'm soooo taking this into consideration.

Or I should just sit my ass down and buckle down for the extra busy 2-3 yrs of my life lol. Sometimes I want someone, and other times I'm okay with being alone, wondering why I'm trying so hard. Idk. More to explore those thoughts in therapy. Hope to go back soon, it's been awhile. For everybody lol.

That's all for now. Too lazy to proofread. I never do. So, sorry if there were spelling mistakes lol. But it's after 2. I'm tired. Gn. 😘😴

#allofme #thisisme #datingsucks #fall2022 #changing

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rezilient-m3 · 2 years

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I was close. But I thought of my dad. 💙

Didn't bring that up yet. Idk if I should or would.

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rezilient-m3 · 2 years

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Aug 2

Been a long time. I didn't want to update till I had something to update about, but I'm sitting here on night shift, tired asf. Lol.

S is the guy I was complaining about in the previous post. It's still weird. I get so upset, or have been, but when he comes back, I'm back "in like" with him. Lol. Geez. We go weeks sometimes without seeing each other, but speak more often. His bday was on the 23rd of July. Days before that I msged him and he didn't open it, I thought whatever, he must be busy. Then seen him at the casino that night. I seen him see me, then act like he didn't and walked thee other way. I was upset about that (today I realized I might have over reacted lol). But I didn't talk to him there. I did my own thing. Weird thing about that was, he never opened that msg (it was on snap). I just feel he must have felt stupid a out it and didn't know how to handle it. 3 days go by and it's Friday, day before his bday. I replied with "Do I know you?" But he laughed it off, and so did I. I said hbday. I didn't see him his bday cuz he went golfing with his sisters, then worked at 5 to 1am. Next day is when I start my shifts (Sun-Thurs, I'll come back to this). So, before I was done at 2pm, I tell him I'm going to bring him a coffee. I went buy a cupcake and a candle to surprise him cuz he never got a cake. It was cute. He was tickled. I almost chickened out cuz it felt lame lol. Anyways, the Frday night, when his bday was at midnight, he mentioned he wanted 35 kisses. So, before I left him, he asked where his kisses were. I kissed him on both cheeks then the lips. That was our first kiss.

We hung out once, again since, but still act like we don't know what we're doing lol. It's so dumb. We're on opposite schedules though, so it makes it difficult. Plus, I know we both want to ask to hang out, but we never do. Lol. So, I'm just being patient. Not really giving other men the time of day. Being loyal when I'm not even in a relationship yet lol. But he's cute. And really genuine, I'm pretty sure.

Anyways, about work. I went to a career fair May 5th, right after graduating. (Grad day was great!) Gave my resume that day. Got an interview May 17th. Offered the job June 7th, and officially started July 5th. That whole ass process took me two months. That was stressful. Anyways, I work Sun to Thurs, on rotations (6am-2pm, 2-10, and 10-6am). This week are nights. It's not bad. I'm in an emergency home that houses 15 kids in care. 3 groups of siblings and two singles, all ages from 1-11. Think it's meant for 0-12. I just do whatever I'm told. Mostly it's just babysitting and cleaning.

I feel like this isn't my calling tho. I've mentioned that I am meant for something big. Something to make a difference in this lifetime. So, I applied for social work to a university in the city. I got accepted, and I registered for my classes, but haven't heard about the funding yet. (My dad is an important man in our reserve and said that he'd talk to the chief and tell them to fund me. Talk about nepotism. Sorry, kinda.)

The big thing I thought about was, maybe it's working with families. In the beginning of my educational career, I thought of working with kids to try redirect them from a life of adversity might get them. Give them advice and be that positive influence. That's what I wanted, but I don't feel like I can do that here. So, I went back to the thought of helping mothers and fathers, or any care givers, to try bring back that "it takes a village" mentality.

I don't know if people have been keeping up with my story, but I have mentioned my personal story about this. In my counseling sessions I talked to my therapist about how it was for me being a young 19 year old mom, out on her own (with my pos bf at the time). I talked about how guilty I felt about not doing the things I should have been doing for my 1st son, who was just a baby. Then, for not raising my girls when they were with their dad. Then she told me about how long ago, in our culture, everyone had a village. Every child was taken care of by a community. We all know that by history. But it's so beautiful to read about. And she said that even though it was my choices that have led to those things happening, that I shouldn't take all of the blame for it. Meaning, I did not have a village. I didn't have anyone to guide me, or lean on, or to just be there when I was struggling. So, I shouldn't blame myself for all of it. And it only mattered to what I was accomplishing now. I have good relationships with my kids, I am sober and I am doing my best to give them a good life. Proud.

Now, as for this village concept, people everywhere should have this. Too many people are left to their own device's, trying to navigate through their addictions, while not learning the proper ways to raise these children. Which might land these kids in homes like these. Everyone needs to feel loved, unjudged, belonged, and accepted. Why can't we have that kind of community everywhere? I want to try. Seems like hard work, but if I at least reach as much people as I can and change this for them, then I'd be happy. So, I'm going to get that degree.!

Idk what else... Alex went to BC with our son. They were gone for over 2 weeks. They got home 2 days ago. We're still ok now. I think. I didn't do anything with my lawyer regarding custody or taking half his possessions lol. Still contemplating.

As for James and the girls' court. That's on Sept 9th. I need 5k to give to the same lawyer to help me to change the order, but I don't have that kind of money, and running out of time to get it. Makes me nervous and stresses me out. Cuz if he walks away from those charges, he can bring a cop to our house and take the girls. Cuz last court order is still the same from the last time we've been in court, and says I only have them for every second weekend, and he is primary caregiver with the decision making. Rank. I hate that. And need to figure this out soon.

There's my current events in a nut shell. I wish it were more interesting for y'all lol. But I'm done. And tired.

#allofme #thisisme #goingplaces #prayforus

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rezilient-m3 · 2 years

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May 15 con't

So, this is S. I don't think I've written about him before. I met him through fb dating. lol. I put myself there just cuz I was curious, and mostly bored. But he swiped for me, and I swiped back. I don't remember what we talked about on there, but he asked for my snap. So, we've been friends since Dec 1 2021. (I checked lol). We haven't even spoke that much on there either. We both thought nothing would come out of it. (Nothing has still technically hahah). Probably starting in February we would reply to each other's pics shared, mostly him to me, cuz he barely posts anything. And I don't remember how exactly it went though. But I do remember him talking about meeting twice, then standing me up the next day. He would say things, then not follow through. (Now, that I'm writing about this, I realize how dumb everything is gonna sound lol). I remember one time specifically, I was excited. He told me he'd be free anytime after 5pm, March 2nd, cuz he worked. But we didn't talk that whole day, but I was still expecting that he would. But nothing. That whole day. I cried that night. I remember going through something, but can't remember what specifically, but that was the breaking point. I was hurt, and felt even more shittier about myself. I think he ended up texting the next day, like nothing happened. And I ended up replying like nothing bothered me. And we carried on lol. The next day, March 3rd is the first time he came pick me up. I was at my sister J's apartment. (She was in the city for 3 months for therapy. She's gone now, but now why her daughter is staying with me for going to school at this high school... total side note). We finally agreed to meet that night. He picked me up at 930. I remember freaking out that whole time. Scared to actually go out to meet him. But I did. We drove around till like 3 or 4 in the morning. It was fine. We met another time after that and did the same thing. Drove around till we couldn't anymore. Next time, we went out to eat at a restaurant. Then, a few more times after that, we met up (unintentionally mostly) at the casino lol. Last time I physically seen him, though, was like a month ago. Smh. And the dumbest shit ever is, we've never kissed. Or hugged. Or anything. Which is why, I said all of this is going to sound so dumb. You're probably wondering why I would even have the nerve to keep things going as they are lol. I know I do sometimes. The thing is, I like him. Like, genuinely. I kept saying I was waiting for the guy that would make me feel excited, and he is it. Which is so annoying. But, he's shy lol. The conversations we've had was us admitting we liked each other, but him saying he was busy but it would happen in time. I was going to give up on him multiple times, but he always got me the next time he got the nerve to message. lol. We're similar in a lot of ways. He's Cree, like me. He's a year older. Sober. 2 kids. Single for over 2 yrs though. Same career field. Traditional/cultural, like I'm tryna be lol. And handsome. But annoyingly shy. lol. I could tell when we were together, that he was nervous. I thought it was cute. And I should have made the first move then, but now it just feels weird. Like, Idek what to do either haha. I've never had to be the first one. Last night I asked him questions about things, and refused to accept his idks all the time. He admitted that he's been afraid and might have ptsd from past relationships. I said same. But we didn't go into detail. I told him that I think that he's a decent person, and he should have some sort of idea that I'm not a shady person. He also admitted that he's never been this way about a girl. Never been this nervous. Like, maybe he's intimidated by me? But I wouldn't even know why? Maybe he just really likes me and doesn't know how to respond to that? Fuck if I know. But I'm frustrated. And tired of being patient, even tho he wants me to be. Like, wtf. I feel dumb, when I have to explain this situationship to other people, or even to myself. Never have I ever been put in this position. Just humbled me.

I don't know what is next. Or if I should keep this going. This just really sucks, cuz I like him. But then again, what goes through my mind is "if he wanted to he fucken would". Right???? Idk. Going to bed moody again lol. It's 1am. School day for kids. Oh, and interview on Tuesday for a job! Will update soon. Cuz there's another aspect I wanna write about. Toodles for now.

#allofme #thisisme #guysaredumb #datingsucks #stillsingle #lol crybaby

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rezilient-m3 · 2 years

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May 15

I got distracted the other night so didn't finish catching up. I just told a fast version of what happed with G. But nothing really to tell. Me and this guy met, the weeks I was here when we first moved into Alex's. I knew Alex and I were on the verge of breaking up, as we always did back then. And I knew that we were done, with the way things were going. Doesn't excuse me for inviting a random guy from the internet to come drink with me. But, that's how I met G. Since then, I've seen him once, a few months after that. Then, not until this weekend I spoke about. on April 29th, same day I finished my practicum. Anyways, we've kept in touch since over 4 years ago. Not really flirting too. Just about life. He was happy for me when I quit drinking, when I got back together with Alex, when I got my girls back, when I was going to and finishing school. And he confided in me about his life. His goals and reaching them. Girl dilemmas. Whatever it was, we were supportive lol. Then, when I showed up to his place, we hung out, until he got closed, and we had sex on his couch lol. This would be the first time I heard him swear. It didn't go long, and I thought that was totally about me. I felt really bad, wondering if I turned him off some how, especially of how self conscious I am about my body. AND BEING SOBER haha. After the next few times, I understood what was happening. He was just finishing a little fast lol. Anyways, besides the point. I had fun going to his place, then a random trip to the mountains, and spending that Saturday in a nice hotel. Sunday he really didn't want me to go, but I felt like I had to. I ended up getting a speeding ticket like 10 minutes out of his city, so that was a piss off lol. Need to figure out that shit later. (Cuz I'm still one ticket away from being suspended for 30 days) Last time we texted, I sent him a picture of me on my grad day (May 9th). Probably won't here from him for awhile now. Things went back to normal. lol. Hope he's good. There is another guy I want to talk about, but his story will take a whole post on its own. I don't think anybody else needs an update, as I've been curving these other ones for the guy I'm going to be writing about. The frustrating one. lol.

#allofme #thisisme #weekendadventure #bff

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rezilient-m3 · 2 years

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May 11 (con't)

Family life should be next, I suppose. During my placement (for 6 weeks) I've had my biological mom staying with us helping, cuz I needed someone with a vehicle and license to take kids to and from school. I thought this would go smoothly. My oldest, T, did not get along well with my mom. And my mom did not know how to speak to her. I mean, sometimes I don't, but at least I try. They butted heads a lot. Plus, this kid sometimes missed school, and made all of them late for school nearly everyday. It was embarrassing to have the school call me almost every morning to ask if kids were coming to school. Like, I'm grateful for her coming, but it was upsetting cuz I couldn't do anything from work. Then, the Friday I was finished my 180 hours, I came home. I thought I was supposed to be happy. Maybe I was moody already because I had no plans and nothing happening for me. Low key salty cuz I felt like I had nobody. Again lol. Anyways, my mom had something to say about T talking back or not listening. So, this was fking up my mood already. I asked T to go clean her room, and her sisters to do the same. They went, she didn't. Just sat on the couch and ignored me. I was fed up. I told her, "You know what? I'll just go to the store and buy garbage bags. If you don't know how to, or want to keep your room clean, I'll put everything away and you could only have your clothes and your bed." And this is exactly what I did. She yelled at me, swore at me, and I ignored her. kept bagging. Until she fucking took away the bags and hid them. I lost it and dumbed a box and a whole bag of garbage all of over her room and went all the way down to mine to find that she had went down there and threw everything off my shelves and bathroom counter. I broke. I bawled, sitting on my floor. My mom tried to hug me, but I got up, packed a bag and left. Well, I was sitting in my suv outside for a bit. I swear I was seriously contemplating falling off and going to drink. My mum and my older sister were in another city in the next province, so I msged my sister, saying I was gonna fall off if I didn't leave, so I was just gonna go to them. That was the plan. T ended up walking out of the house with her backpack. I asked her where she was going, only giving me smart ass comments. She didn't go back in the house, and ended up running away. Then I left. I was pissssssed. She ended up staying at a friend's house that night. I called the next morning when she was hoe and apologized. I didn't go to where my mum and sister was though. Idk if anyone has kept up, but I wrote about a guy I invited back to Alex's the first time we moved into his house. When I fixed it up, after moving, then left back to my parents house for a year. The same guy that picked me up when I was in the drunk tank from when I was back at Alex's while he was at work lol. Hf. Anyways, me and this guy, G, have been in touch since. So, like for over 4 years. Texting every few months to catch up. This is where I went. Cuz he doesn't live in this city anymore, and moved to the next province. I spent the weekend with him. It was fun. We even went to the mountains for that Sat night. I wish I could say that sex was amazing and worth the damn drive lol. But he only last not even two minutes every time. I was wondering why the first two times, he swore. I felt bad, thinking it was me that upset him lol. But got it, the third and fourth time. But, good for me for being too sexy haha jk.

#thisisme #allofme #familyordeal #singlemumproblems

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rezilient-m3 · 2 years

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May 11

So, about court, nothing happened. Got adjourned. Shitty part about this is if it went on, the prosecutor wouldn't have proceeded with it because my oldest daughter wasn't talking, and my youngest kept saying she didn't remember anything. The reason why it got adjourned was because I submitted the picture I took of James that morning with his pants to his ankles and the blanket over his naked mid-section. So, it's adjourned to September 9th. I think he will end up walking, which is a total piss off. I feel sick that he could have access to my kids soon. Which he probably does (through the internet). Reason I say that is cuz T, my oldest, actually made a fb. And by the time I found out, she already located his aunties and kokum (grandma). I have already decided after that that I would let them start to visit. It started April 16th, on their little 5 year old cousin's bday. I took them. The grandma wasn't there, which made my anxiety level subside, because I couldn't stand her at the time. Now, not so much. Anyways, that day, it was James' two little sisters and one of his little brothers that I used to get along with, so I was happy I had him to chat with. The visit went well. Then, the following weekend I had let them stay, while I went home to my parents with my youngest son. Everything worked out. They visit once in awhile now. As long as they're happy, I don't mind it. But still don't trust that any of them would stop their dad from talking to them. I don't know if my girls would even tell me if they have. But they all know that they're not supposed to, by law. About school, I finished April 29th, and had my grad ceremony on Monday, May 9th. I'm officially done! I don't think there's much to write about during my practicum placement. I worked in an emergency home, which has children living in a home that is staffed around the clock. My shift was 8am-4pm, so I only got to see the school aged children before school and after school for half hour at most before our shift change. During the day we kept a baby. Anyways, I applied for a position there, and didn't get it lol. I've also attended a career fair on the 5th for the city's tribal council and gave my resume to two divisions of their departments. I'm starting to think that maybe I won't get a call for those too. Kinda feeling a little discouraged. I don't have a job lol. I need rent. Well, I paid for May, but June is approaching pretty fast. But I believe it'll work itself out. My grad was good. I had fun. But don't really think I felt it enough to feel something. Idk if that makes sense. I have said before that when my siblings died, or when I was raped my brother, that I didn't feel what I thought I should. I'm starting to think maybe my emotions aren't affected as they should be. And idk if that's concerning, or if I'm just a mellow person lol. Anyways, I did well, and I'm proud. I guess lol. I applied for the social work degree at one of the universities in the city. I feel like I'm not done, and I could be more. So, we will see. Until then, I'm figuring out what to do for $$. I know I have my dad, and he wouldn't let us suffer, but would be nice to work and be more for my family. Geez. I have to make another post to continue lol. Something changed here and it's weird lol. Sooooooo....

#allofme #thisisme #updating

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rezilient-m3 · 2 years

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March 13

I'm onto my last week of school this week. Next Monday I will be starting my 2nd placement of the year. Then, I'm done done. I have 3 assessments and one assignment left. And what did I do today? Change everyone's rooms around lol. I moved to the basement, where two of my younger girls were, my oldest went to my room, and they went to hers. No reason I had to do this. Now, I'm laying in my bed, with nothing put in its place, stressing out about this week. And what's in the middle of this week? James' trial.

Maybe I'm avoiding that chaos in my mind and body? I'm anxious and nervous for my three little girls to have to go and talk about what happened with their dad. The youngest is still struggling with telling what she remembers and just says she doesn't. But I know she does. I'm just sad, because Idk the right words to say to her, or her sisters. I'm going to have to figure that shit out tho. It's on Wed and it's Sunday night right now. We were supposed to meet a court worker in the neighboring city last Thursday, but she canceled for a family emergency, so hoping she calls me tomorrow to schedule it for Tuesday. Or whatever works, idk.

But I was thinking, just now, I have all these important things I should be doing, (even filling out papers to serve Alex, which I didn't do yet cuz I suck) but I'm re-doing my whole ass house. Omg.

Suckiest part is, I have no one resembling a bf/partner to stand by me or help me get through this lol. I wanted that. But the boys in my life still suck. But those are other stories that aren't really pressing. Not in the mood lol. 😒

But I'm going to sleep. If anybody reads this before March 16th, pray for my girls. And for me to be strong for them. ❤✌️

#allofme #thisisme #trial #court #dadvslittlegirl #sadmom #strongtho

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rezilient-m3 · 2 years

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March 2

I feel like the dumbest girl. And I’m sitting here crying because some guy said we’d meet today and didn’t msg at all today. He was from the fb dating app, added him to snap awhile ago, and we have spoken on and off for bit. Always flirting, and he’d always joke about meeting, then take it back. His excuse the first time was that he’s always busy working. Fine I thought. I was starting to think maybe we’d have a lot in common and would get along. Maybe my first mistake was giving the whole thing high expectations. But he’s Cree, like me, same age, and same job field. His Cree name was almost the same as mine, which I joked about having Thunderbird babies.

Anyways, yesterday he says he wanted to meet, I said I didn’t believe him and he was bluffing. “No, serious this time. I’m free anytime after 5.” We had plans just to chill and go for coffee. But he never msged. I replied to his snap meme that said something about wanting attention, and I said “fucking same”, and all he said was “word lol”. Like, how lame. lol. I laughed it off, like I wasn’t bothered by any of it, cuz whatever, his loss. But got a random message from a stranger on that app I spoke about earlier, asking how my day was, and said I was supposed to meet someone and it didn’t happen. His response was, “aww, that must suck” or something, and I felt the hurt in my chest.

I think it’s just because I felt like I liked him, and was genuinely excited to meet this one. I’m trying not to internalize this rejection, but fuck. How could I not? Why couldn’t he just say he changed his mind?

Maybe it’s partly my fault. I should have been the bigger person to msg him, but fuck that. lol. I hate this. I wouldn’t even know how to talk to him anymore too. How dumb.

Anyways, about Alex. I hired a lawyer and paid the 1500 dollar retainer (thanks to my dad). I printed out all these forms I’m supposed to fill out. I don’t know how though. It tells me to put down all of my monthly expenses of bills, rent, food, necessities, toiletries, car, gas... like EVERYTHING. And another set of forms that tells me to list the price of everything he and I own, which the only thing valuable I own is my suv, and that isn’t even worth much. Besides the point. I just don’t know anything about anything. i don’t know if he has RRSPs or investments, how much all his shit is worth. This is honestly starting to feel like a bad idea. Maybe all I’ll ask for is to put shared custody on paper, instead of trying to get half of all the assets? Idk. Maybe I’m just being chicken.

I felt like this before. I didn’t want to do it. But the way it was explained to me, by my therapist, and the lawyer was, Alex and I had a life where our kid was living comfortably (at the lifestyle we gave him, k?) And when we separated, the kids are supposed to be still living that way, without much changing for him. But with Alex keeping his money, and me just getting by (or if I didn’t have my dad, we’d be below poverty), D would soon notice the difference. And as he kept getting older, the question they asked me was, “Who do you think he is going to choose to keep going to, if Disney dad can get him anything he asks for and mom is trying to figure out what to eat for supper?” Like, my dad wouldn’t ever let us starve, but I understood what they meant. Plus, his money was “ours” because me staying home, keeping up with the house, and taking care of the kids let him going out to work and making that money happen. If it wasn’t for me, he couldn’t do that, our pay a substantial amount having had to pay someone else do it. These explanations led me to agreeing to go through with it, and now I feel stuck, because I don’t know anyone to help me with this, and my lawyer would probably charge me the time to sit down with me and do it. So annoying.

Anyways, on a brighter, but still suckier note, I’m 2 and a half weeks from finishing school. I’m stuck with 2 major assignments, that I’m slacking off on, and about 6 assessments starting next week. Then, my practicum on the 21st. Wow. Maybe I’ll just delete all these guys that stress me out. lol. Even stupid guy that I said likes me, but does nothing. I almost made him come here the other night. Before me and thunderbird dude made plans. I told this guy to come over, cuz I was feeling lonely and said fuck it. What did he say? “I’m too stoned right now.” AND A, the guy I spent the weekend with like a month ago, I went and told him I missed him over the weekend, because I did and he made me feel comfortable. HIs basic response was “aweeee”. Hahaha, like wtf.? I swear I’m not ugly, I can hold a conversation, and I honestly feel like if I dated someone, they’d be lucky to have me. Sooooooo? But whatever. I’m over it. Guys suck.

#allofme #datingsucks #guyssuk

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rezilient-m3 · 2 years

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February 15 (1am again).

It's only been 72 hrs, but I've had the worst day. Valentines. Dropped off my son after-school at Alex's. He showed me how nice he's been cleaning and touching up paint everywhere. Whatever. I finally asked him if he's selling his house for real. "If I get a decent price for it." "Then what?" "(His home province)" "You're not taking D" "Yes I am." "No you're not." And he had the audacity to say not the time or place for talking about it, and told me to get out. And to stop going there when he's not home. Like I ever do. Tf.

He was right tho. I didn't want to fight about it in front of our kid, so I left. And cried all day. I have the rankest headache. Didn't get my assignment done, but it's due Wed, so I have tomorrow lol.

Anyways, I told my parents. My dad called but I ignored it cuz I was ugly crying still. Slept a bit. He called back and told me to call a lawyer. It was already too late cuz it was after hours already. But I emailed a office to ask for a consultation. So, fuck it. Court it will be then. I'm not weak anymore for him to think he could bully me anymore. I'm tired of it. Fuck him if he wants to leave, he can go. But don’t take my baby.

I hate this tho. Not what I wanted. Idk why I assumed everything would be fine forever. He's not even from here. Shit head. And I don't even care anymore if they say I could take half his earnings from that house. I'd let it happen. Sick of thinking I owe him anything, or being scared. If I'm entitled, for my kid's sake, I'll take it.

We'll just have to see. I don't care if I don't get anything. Main thing is keeping my son here. He needs me, and he's close to my family. Alex barely even has his. And works away for work. He'd fuck up our kid if he took him away. Omgggggggg.

But fucking bedtime cuz I can't just not go to school. I'm so tired of dealing with piles of shit over and over. When can I just be done? All I wanna do is be happy, finish school and carry on with my life. 🥺 I'm so tired. And always hurting. Wtf.

#thisisme #allofme #tired #separationsucks #fkvalentines #custody

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rezilient-m3 · 2 years

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February 12 (1am)

I can’t believe how much has happened since I last wrote. I’ve been dreading writing the next one because a lot has happened in one month. So, I may as well get it out of the way.

My brother L died a few weeks ago on Jan 22. He was my older half brother from my bio mom. Idk how I’m doing with that in all honesty. We didn’t grow up with each other. Idek when exactly he came into my life, or when I started to know him. We were kids though. We were really “friends” in high school (I was closer to our older brother though). He usually did his own thing. Hung out with my brother (from my adoptive family), cuz they liked doing coke together lol. And this brother L, worked for my dad. Anyways, point is we were siblings, but not super close. I think I had a problem with him from when we were teenagers. We passed out at my sister B’s (my sister, his cousin; cuz my moms are sisters, remember?) lol. This time though, I woke up to him touching me. Like, over the pants, but on my parts. I was grossed out, but didn’t know what to say or do. I just went upstairs and slept on the couch, wondering wtf. Never spoke about it again. I don’t even remember if I said anything to anybody.

Fast forward to adult lives. I lived in one city, he lived in another, where our mom lived. We only ever saw each other when I would go visit to party over the years. I remember one of the first times I started to take Alec there, this stupid brother tried kissing me with his tongue outside of the house. This time I was drunk enough to not give a shit and got upset. Right there I decided this kid wasn’t right in the head to think that was even remotely ok to do. I just sort of kept my distance after that.

Now, it’s the week of the last time I drank ever. Remember I said I went to my moms with her, my sister and my brother? It was this brother. I was already sober for about two months this time, and had no intention on drinking over there, but who was I kidding. I drank for 8 days, then sobered up after this. But during this visit, I must have only been on my second night there, and the same fucken thing happened. I slept on the couch, and it’s only a one bedroom house. But I didn’t think anything of it. But I woke up to him trying to take off my pants. I was shook. I grabbed my pants from going down, got up and said “Quit trying to be a fucking perv to me stupid, I’m your little sister.” Like he needed reminding. I was so sick. I went lay in my mums bed with her and my sister. And next morning, he left. I never spoke to him much after that. I got sober and started my own life, he decided to get into meth and went down that road.

That time is was Nov 2018. We barely kept in touch. I knew what he was doing out there because I still would talk to my mom and sister, but hardly to him. We messaged sometimes on fb, but nothing memorable. The last time I saw him for real was his bday last year. Feb 16th. My oldest son was here visiting for the first time, so I had all my kids, and it was his bday and that family were all getting together, so I thought I could take all my kids to see that family. Especially since my son and my girls hardly got to know them. Anyways, my brother said he was clean for 2 weeks that time. I said keep it up. But it didn’t last long. Over this past year, he got really old looking and skinny. Overdosed on fentanyl twice I think. I knew we wouldn’t get him back.

Reason why I bring up my past with my brother is, I had unresolved issues with him. I didn’t like who he was. He was supposed to be my brother and didn’t treat me that way. I’ll never know why. Of course, I cried when our brother had to tell me the news. But Idk if I’m too mad at him to let myself grieve. Idk what I feel.

A couple days ago, I was online for classes at the beginning of the week. Monday I had Sexual Victimization. I think my brother passing, and this classes were major triggers in my emotional breakdown. Monday night I either had a dream, or thought of an incident before I went to sleep. I was about 13 or 14, I came with my late sister S on a medical with her baby at the time to the city. Of course we drank. We ended up arguing and I left the hotel. I don’t remember any of this. next thing I know I wake up in an alley, in the back of a cab, with the cab driver inside of me. I pushed him off, really confused cuz I didn’t know him. I was behind a store, I just grab my things and walk away. And that’s all I remember. I don’t remember how I got back to my sister. Since then, I remember thinking that it was just something messed up that happened to me. I didn’t think it affected me. But I must have just suppressed the shit out of my feelings, because they came out that Tuesday. All I could think about was that, and my brother. I stayed online classes, but wasn’t really talkative and hadn’t finished my work. I would turn off my camera and just ugly cry every time I had a thought. Especially the thought of I had nobody to talk to. I emailed that instructor and told her everything. Mostly because she wouldn’t give me shit for not having a presentation done, and I wasn’t engaging on discussions. Because to add insult to injury, this one presentation was on FASD from one of the students. The videos on there was from 2 mom’s point of views on why they drank through their pregnancies. I did with my youngest daughter. And in that moment, when our instructor asked what we think about their perspectives, I was going to be really honest about how I struggled. But the other students went first, before I can turn on my mic and say something. They all said negative things about the mothers and how they’re selfish about not thinking about their children. Which is fair. I would have thought the same thing. I do think the same. But that hurt, because that was me all those years ago. When she asked for what I thought, when everyone had spoken, I just sat there, holding in my tears, and just shook my head no. Then, turned off my camera and just bawled my eyes out.

That day was hard. Just a lot of emotions about everything, and anything. I couldn’t pinpoint what was exactly wrong, because everything felt wrong. I still don’t know what or how I feel. I don’t know how to heal from these things that I don’t talk about. I didn’t tell my therapist before, but she did get a long email about these things. I just told her that I felt better, cuz she didn’t answer until yesterday (thurs.). So, I’m still figuring it out, Idk.

Idk what else to write about next. Alex is selling his house. He scares me because he’s not from here and I don’t know enough to what he has planned. I’m afraid he’s going to try take our kid away from me. I don’t trust him. So, I think I’m going to have to try consult with a lawyer that says he can’t leave and we share him. Just to have something legally. idk.

Speaking of, this whole time I was confused about what I felt about this guy. When we were at the funeral home, getting ready to take him home, I kind of expected Alex to be there. I expected him to hug me when I went drop off my girls so I can go with my mom that Sat night, but he didn’t. When we drove down the highway with all our hazard lights on, when we had my brothers body, Alex said he met us. He said he got emotional and started to cry, then apologized for not being there, but he didn’t want to make things awkward for me. All I said was, “I thought you would have came too, but I didn’t want to ask. But it’s ok, don’t feel bad. Maybe we’re just not those people for each other anymore.” At the time I believed I was ok about it. But feelings always creep back up again. Like, tonight, i was going through my Google photos from when I started saving everything. A lot of emotions surfaced, cuz I missed him. There are a lot of good memories in my photos. But also, a lot of bad ones. Like, him keeping our son away from me every time we broke up, with the longest time being a year. Him cheating on me throughout our relationship. The abuse in the beginning. It all still gets me upset. Because I don’t think I deserved any of it. I really did try make him be Thee one. But now, I hate having to navigate the co-parenting thing, because I really don’t trust him.

Then, about court with the other dummy in my life. Criminal court for the girls’ dad is March 16. My supposed lawyer sent me a letter in the mail saying if I didn’t respond in 10 days within that letter was made (Jan 10), they were going to close my file. It was fricken the 28th when I opened it. I called asap, but it was after 4pm by then. Told the lady I didn’t want my file closed and had been waiting for that lawyer to call me since summer. Last time i even talked to her was before I got this house. So, in July. Hf. Anyways, bringing her up, cuz maybe whenever I finally get to talk to her, I can ask about what to do about Alex, and if she can help with those matters, and James.

So, speaking of James. I messaged him that day my brother died. Something like “My brother died today. Thought I’d tell you since you guys used to be friends.” never expected him to write back, but he did. A bunch of sorries and condolences, whatever. Weird thing was him carrying on the conversation. Telling me his gf just had another baby too, and it can’t be his cuz he wasn’t with her when she conceived. Typically fucking guy I thought. He denies every fucking kid he has. I just told him we weren’t friends and I don’t give a shit about him and his gf problems. And idk if it was before this or after this conversation, that we almost started talking about court. He tried saying that we should just “drop everything and move on”. holy fuck, the audacity. He said that I should know that he would never hurt one of our girls. And what I said to that was, “I didn’t say anything, it was your girls that said what you did. and for you to plead guilty and force them to live through this again by testifying just makes him that much more of a shitty dad.” So fuck him. Idk why I even told him anything about my brother. I honestly didn’t think he would answer, because I never did to my other messages. But whatever. Haven’t spoke to him since and don’t plan to.

I don’t know what else. lol. I applied to university for a social work degree. Yesterday actually. So, Idk when I’d hear back from them. That Friday before my brother died, I had such a good day. That whole day just had me deep into class discussions. And after school I stayed to talk to my instructor about life. I told her about my life, and how I was interested in that justice degree program I was considering at first. She told me, in her opinion, my calling is social work, because of how passionate I am about things and my life experience would have my relatable and understanding. So, I did it. Scared now, because it seems intimidating. lol. So, I guess that’s a little piece of good news. But hoy fuck, it’s been a rough start to 2022 for me. Idek wtf for. lol.

I have assignments to do this weekend, instead I’m going to spend my Sat at the casino to go meet my parents and visit. I’ve missed them so much, so I’m excited about it. Hopefully sit my ass down on Sunday and finish everything I need done lol. Wish me luck.

#allofme #thisisme #greiving #emotionallydamaged #healing

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rezilient-m3 · 2 years

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January 11th (1258am)

Today I had to continue school online, as me and my 4 kids tested positive on our rapid tests. Still waiting for results. But not really the point to this post.

T tested me again today. And right now, in this moment, sitting in the quiet, I'm defeated. I'm ugly crying, all in my feels, feeling like the worst mom ever. Idk what I'm doing so wrong with herrrrrrrr.

I was online, sitting in on my classes. Cooked lunch, then asked her to do the dishes. "After I'm done eating she says." K fine. 4 o'clock rolls by, still not done. I'm sitting here, trying not to lose my shit (cuz I can feel myself getting upset). And she finally starts. Then gets upset cuz "they won't go right" into the sink when setting them after rinsing. So dumb. "I'm not doing them." "OK, so you don't get your phone." (I got her one for xmas). "Why, that isn't fair." *heart rate getting higher, but I breathe and let it go*. I patiently wait for her to choose the easy way and finish. She did not. She comes to the couch and grabs her phone and I say to give it to me, cuz she's not getting it until she's done. "But it's mine" 😒 I say, "No, that's not how it goes." She hid it in her sweater when I got up to go get it. I proceed to dig for it, while she's laughing, and suddenly turned when she realized I was about to get it out, and yelled at me to "quit digging in my shirt, you perv!" The audacity. I wanted to slap her lol. But I took it and she starts hysterically cry. Whatever. You can be a toddler (she's 11 and a half for a reminder). I'm standing by her, cuz it's by the basement door, and I wasn't going to let her go down there to take it out on her siblings, who were cleaning a huge mess from earlier.

I'm standing there, letting her cry. Tell her to go up to her room, "No, make me." I ignore her and stand there. Recorded her for a whole minute with her phone so she can see later at how she looks. Idk, whatever. She started to grab shit of the shelf and throw them. My pictures went all over the kitchen. I grabbed her and almost dragged her upstairs, but just left her crying on the floor. ... for a fucking hour. I just proceed to cook, and pile up the shit she threw around. And ignore her.

The shittiest part that got me was Alex walked in. He was coming to give our boy his switch. He came in, "What's going on?" I didn't answer, looked at each other, I shook my head, and he said, "looks fun." "Yup." Then gives him his game, and says bye. This probably doesn't sound like a huge deal, but to me? It made me feel some type of cheap defeat. Cuz I didn't want him to know things were still the same from when we left his house. (This hardly happens, but she still seems to have these flip outs) but I didn't want him to know that. I wanted him to think that everything got better when we left his house. Idk why. To prove a point? To prove I left for good reasons? That's I didn't need him? That he was the problem? I don't fucken know. But that was just the worst feeling.

Anyways she finally shuts up and falls asleep on the floor. We were finishing eating when she got up. And woke up, like nothing just fucken went down, and fooling around with her siblings and just being hyper. Usually I don't give a shit that kids are kids at the table, but hf I was in a mood. I tell them to stop, yell at them to finish eating and to go finish their cleaning. I didn't like I was yelling. But I left T and my son at the table and went to my room and just cried. Ugly cried.

I think since then, I just miss someone to cry to. I feel alone. I feel like I'm not doing this right, and it hurts. I'm so mad at her, and I hate when I feel that way cuz I feel like I don't like her. I hate myself right now. And I've taught them to not talk about anything by example, so this is just gonna be swept away ad she's going to carry on like fuck all happened today. And I know I'm still going to be bitchy about it 2morrow. But that was my doing, because it is what I do. And I hate that. I know I'm supposed to talk about it, but when I'm that upset, I don't want to. I'm supposed to be the parent, and right now, I just don't want to. Horrible.

I hate this. But I had to rant, as well as cry some more.

I just wish I had someone to lean on. For support and maybe a little help. This just wasn't it today. But I'm drained. School at 9am from my laptop. Didn't even read for those classes tonight cuz I just can't even lol. Fml. But gn. And pray for me.

#thisisme #allofme #singlemomproblems #ihateithere #feeling alone #cryingintheclub

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rezilient-m3 · 2 years

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Wow Dec 30th 2021

Sorry I've been so long in between posts. Last time I wrote to Alex about responding to when he wrote and I was scared lol. And I was just on day 2 of my practicum. Then updated on the guys in my life or whatever.

Anywhoo, Alex didn't say much after that. He just left it as is. We did have sex once... that was my bad. I forgot when, but I went over to get Xmas decorations during school hrs and fell asleep in his bed. He slowly made his way there to show me video on his phone. (Smooth). I was falling back asleep until he held my hand, moved closer to hug me and I let it happen. Then we started kissing and had sex quickly because school was almost out lol. Went get my kids, dropped off our son and said bye lol. And that was that. Nothing more. Still civil ish. Well, until I went over another night right before Xmas. This would be a third time he's shown me a house property in his home province. And I asked why and if he was planning on moving. He says in the spring. I say, "What about him?" (Our son) He says, "He'll come with me." "No he isn't." "Yes he is." "No. He's not only yours, you're not taking him." "Well, I'm not moving alone and I'm not going to sit around to see what you decide to do." Idk what he meant by that, cuz I didn't want to start fighting in front of our kid. And I never asked. Maybe he thinks I'm still moving away for school for the degree program I'm considering. Or to the city for a low income house I'm approved of? Or I'd he meant, to see if I'm going to take him back? Again, I didn't ask for clarification. So, that was annoying. But this Xmas, I took the kids to my parents house. Came back Xmas day to spend the evening with him to open kids' gifts. So, that was nice. I just felt bad that he'd be alone. 🤷‍♀️ So, that's where that stands. Civil. Lol.

Guys? Hard to write about which first. Kinda getting out of hand here. But none are serious lol. The snap guy started snapping me again wanting to hook up again like a week ago. I probably would have but I was on my period. And right now, he's in the next province visiting his mom until the 3rd I think. So, that's kind of open. But again, I don't think we'd ever be anything more than just a hookup. I didn't even think I'd hear from him again lol.

A, the Indian guy that gave me the morning after pill. He texts me almost everyday to check in. Always asks me to come over, but asks so late. Or when I'm alone with my girls. But he has asked me to hang out tomorrow night for new years. We'll see.

Not much to say about the guy I drove around with all night, and turned me off by his fb posts. But we had messaged here and there. I feel like he'd be good in bed. But not for a serious relationship at all lol. But that's the problem, because he says he's given up on the idea of someone, but yet says I'm the only one he's interested in. Contradictory. And maybe a sign I should just leave him be, because I don't see a future with him, and maybe he does. Idk. Lol.

New guy that I had known from rehab almost 3 yrs ago, when I went the last time lol. He's been on my fb since. And recently he's been commenting on my pics that says "Looking good auntie." Lol. I am only 2 yrs older than him, but he called me that since we've met. Anyways, he randomly called me early this morning at 730. I didn't answer right away and asked why he was calling lol. He said just to talk and say hi. That was a weird conversation that Idk about yet lol. He said he wants to come take me out for supper or coffee and just catch up. Then asks if he could be step-dad. Like, what? "What do you think of being the step-dad?" "What!?! Idk, you didn't even give me time to think about it, because I had no idea you were even interested that way." Which is true lol. He texted me this morning to ask for a picture to use as his background photo on his phone, I told him to smartnup lol.... idk wtf. So random. Thing is too, he has something. I don't even remember what exactly, but it's caused him to be in a wheel chair. Nothing wrong with that, but I automatically thought of this house being totally inaccessible lol. Anyways, he's a "gangster" I think. Says he wants to straighten out. But red flag went up for me lol. I've seen him with guns in a picture before. He always posts about have gabbies for sale.... like, what? I don't need that. Especially around my kids, and for my future career that wouldn't allow for gang affiliation by association. Or whatever. Lol. That could get me in trouble. But not that I'm saying I know he's involved with one, but just gave me those kinds of vibes. Idk.

But none of these guys are sweeping me off my feet lol. I want how I felt with Alex in the beginning. That new and exciting feeling. Young love feeling. Where I'm exciting and genuinely interested in getting to know them. But, idk. Waiting for that, I think.

Anyways, it's New Years Eve tomorrow. Right now I have all 5 children under my roof. My eldest has been visiting me since Xmas. He wants to go home tomorrow though, so I'm meeting my dad in a town 3 hrs away from here, so he can take him back. Which is fine. We had a good visit. Last night we stayed up until 530 just talking. He asked me questions about my life, our families, my exes, how I lost all of them, and about my drinking, then my recovery. I was open and honest about everything. Or anything I thought he should know anyways lol. And I gave him advice about opening up about his feelings, whatever they may be. Cuz he's lost his best friend last year. Had a hard time with that. He's told me that whenever he tried talking to his gma about personal stuff, she always turned it into something else. Hard to explain. But I imagine he's been left feeling unheard, and unimportant. (Hope not) But I said it's good to let things out, and to never hold onto to feelings, or try shut them out. Told him that's how I've helped myself. It was just all advice I hope he takes with him. He's a good kid. My lil best friend. We always laugh when we're just chilling. I'm grateful for that kind of relationship with him. Love him.

But it's 11pm. I'm tired. I should get some rest to take that early drive in the morning. I'll be back soon to update anything else I might have missed. And whatever else might go on until then lol.

Happy New Years guys.

& here's to 2022. 🥂

✌&❤

#allofme #thisisme #new years #honestyisthebestpolicy

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rezilient-m3 · 2 years

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November 9, 2021

So, I have a lot to catch up on. It’s been crazy, but I finished my first semester. Killed it I should add. Haha. Now, on my online practicum, finished my second day today. But it’s not about that.

I don’t feel like I should write about the temporary guys, since they don’t feel important enough to update. But I will lol. First, cuz least, is the dude I cruised with until 5 am. He is still present on my fb. A few weeks ago he won’t to me out of the blue wanting to try again cuz “he would regret it if he didn’t try”. I talked to him a bit, almost convinced myself to go for it. Probably cuz I was more lonely than interested. Kinda glad I didn’t though, cuz his fb is just red flaggy. Looked like after this happened he found his “ride or die” then something happened after he posted that and went on about how you can’t trust anyone and all he has is himself. For me, that just turned me off completely. I’m done with him I think lol.

Then, the guy I was snapping for days. Our streak ends at 12, cuz this is the first day he didn’t snap back, We did meet though. For a booty call. I showed up to his place, sat on his bed and went straight to hooking up. Which is crazy for me, cuz I never thought I was capable of that without the alcohol. I was a bit proud lol. But he’s younger. I don’t see us ever being in a relationship. Probably not what he wanted anyways haha, He never asked about me, and I don’t know anything about him. Probably for the best that that has fizzled out. Hope he finds what he is looking for.

Next, and most recently, is A. I met him off of the same app as these previous guys lol. We spoke since my birthday on Sept 10. He wanted to meet me for the longest time, but of course I kept making excuses. Until Saturday night. He lives in the neighbor city, but works in my small town. He messaged that he was done work but didn’t want to go home. Asked if I wanted to meet up, I said okay lol. My bio mom was here with us for the weekend cuz I had plans. So, I left to go to his place. He is a dad to a 2 year old, so gets him sometimes. He lives alone with a cute dog. Irrelevant lol. Anyways, I get there, after panicking the whole drive there. We sat there, a part, and he just let me talk. I feel selfish now that I think about it haha, but I did ask about him. I know some stuff lol. We put on a movie, but we’re still talking. He got behind me on the couch to spoon and things got heated fast. And I just let it happen. I thought it was going to be the best sex ever, cuz he was sexy and made me feel sexy. Even grabbing my flub and kissing my whole body haha. But cringing at the thought of either of us finishing. He got super sweaty and dripped all over me, and he kept going soft. Like, was that because of me? Lol. It was like 430 am by the time we were done, and I decided to just crash, cuz I was dead. Morning time wasn’t too awkward. We had sex again, but he finished, finally. In me though, with no protection. Stupid kids lol. I left 20 mins before he had to leave for work at noon. And I never heard from him all day. I sent him one text, then he called at 4 saying he had to go get his phone at home cuz he left it and said he had to call instead of texting cuz he felt bad. That night, he closed at 7, asks if I was on the pill. I told him already I wasn’t and mentioned Plan B lol. He went go buy it and brought it to my place. We sat in the restaurant’s parking lot for another 2 hrs just talking about my life. He was all handsy and kept telling me I was beautiful. At this point, I don’t know if I like him like him, or just like the attention. Still don’t know. He left eventually. I tried texting him last night cuz he asked how my practicum went, didn’t respond though. Until this morning and said he was with his son and his boy wasn’t feeling good. So, I say I’m in meetings all day, but hope he feels better. And that was it lol. Idk what to think about him, or if I should even care. Maybe I’ll move on. Idk. I’m not going to text him first though, I know that much haha.

And now Alex. Oh boy. He got back from work the day before Halloween. Things were kept civil. We hugged once when he got home lol. But I really thought he was okay with the way things are. I thought I was too. Until tonight. I sent him a stupid meme that had horoscopes and what they smell like. Libras said sweaty balls lol. That was his. “You should come check”. I wrote “Just *puke emoji*” lol. (I’m on my laptop, can’t find the emojis lol). Then, say I was joking. In our 7+ yrs, he never smelled yucky lol. He said he was hurt that I sent it. I apologized, cuz I didn’t mean to be mean lol. Then he goes “I still love you”. And that struck a nerve in my heart lol. I wanted to cry. But I didn’t I responded “I do too. But everything is different now” Him, “I guess it is but I don’t like it” Me, “I always think I am ok with my decision. But think it’s the busyness of my life that convinces me. Plus, I always think you are too. Until you say something like that and I wanna cry lol”. Then him, “Idk what I think. I always thought that we would try to work things together. Your choice is up to you. I just really didn’t think that you would choose to end things so suddenly. It sounds dumb now but I don’t want to give up. Now you know that. I don’t expect a reply and I respect your choices as your own. I have been trying to give you as much space as you need and will continue to do so. I still love you, no matter what.”

Ugh, geez. I should have left it at that. But I sat there, thinking he needs to know what I think and why I choose to not go back. Even though I want to. I want to go back... Now I feel like I should say what goes on in my head. You can't say it was sudden. It kept happening, and I hated not feeling like that was our home. Or you not feeling comfortable there. But I don't blame you. Taking on 3 kids that wasn't yours was asking a lot. I know that now. And being away made me realize a lot of things about us. Things about me, was I was scared of you. I was always afraid to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing to make you upset, or for the kids to make you upset. I never wanted to ask you if I can leave to go out when I wanted to, unless the kids were asleep cuz I knew you didn't like it. I knew I had to go to bed when you did because you couldn't sleep or get mad thinking I'm mad. And I couldn't have my family around when you were home because you don't like some of them. There's a lot of things I've changed to be with you. Which seems small, but I never understand why I couldn't just be me. Even the shows or music I like, I would never play around you, cuz you don't like it. But the one thing that I couldn't let go, was knowing you didn't even like my girl. My family I let go, cuz not like you had to be around them all of the time, but seeing the way you treated T and the things you've said about her, made me realize you'd never like her. I couldn't force you to. And I couldn't chose you over her. Cuz that's what I would have been doing if I stayed. Something about her triggered the shit out of you. From what I'm recently learning, it's some sort of trauma response from your inner child. Fyi lol. You could not believe in stuff like that, but we all have stuff from our childhood to be healed from. Or whatever. For you, to me, it was 7+ years of our lives we've shared together and you've barely let me in. I know basic things about you, but not how you really felt about all the traumatic things that's happened to you. I know you loved me. But maybe you didn't trust me enough to be vulnerable enough to talk about any of it. Ik what I just wrote might make you angry, or think that's not what happened. But to me, it's how I feel. And I don't ever want to make you feel bad, or mad, or sad. I do love you. And I really do wish things were different. It'll kill me whenever you decide to move on for real. But I hope you find someone who you can be totally true with her and let her in. You're a good man. You deserve to be happy. Even if it's not with me. I'm sorry this is so long and rambly. But gn. Sorry I suck at this. I feel like this was all over the place.”

He didn’t read it yet. My heart was pounding the whole time, cuz I freak out when I’m standing up to him lol. But, am I wrong? I don’t think I am. Sure, my life would be easier financially if I went back, but things would go back to the way they were. It hurts because I do want to just go hug him, and kiss him, and sleep in his bed. BUT I know I would end up regretting it. If not right away, then in the long run. I just need to keep reminding myself of all of it.

This just sucks though. I’m hurting. And super lonely lol. FML.

But that is my update for now. It is 1230am, I still have to wake up and take girls to school. and be dead at my online meetings again. Omg. Gn.

#allofme #thisistherealme #singlelifethings #whycantimoveon #butthurt

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