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Medieval English Royals + ClickHole, The Onion, and Reductress headlines. Richard II.

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various medieval English rulers in a grocery store

I have ingested nyquil so I am doing this

Alfred the Great: buys just enough canned food and duct tape to the point where you’re not overly concerned but you are pretty sure he’s a doomsday prepper

Aethelflaed: fills three carts with snack cakes, those church basement paper cups, and generic brand soda because no one can negotiate a surrender on an empty stomach

Athelstan: that is far too much coffee 

Aethelred the Unready: just buying every single item on his wife’s list. This is the fourth store he’s been to because Emma is very specific.

Cnut: only came here for all his Special Haircare Products

William the Conqueror: fills up a cart and just leaves without paying. just fucking books it to the parking lot I hate him

Matilda: comes in with three rowdy boys, tells them to not ask for ANYTHING, buys an armload of 5-hour energies, leaves with two rowdy boys

Henry II: walks around the store eating a bag of grapes he has not bought while Eleanor does the actual shopping

Richard I: will find a way to talk about his study abroad last year with the deli guy if it kills him. Is also texting his mom to ask what groceries he needs to buy because he has no idea

John: verbally berating everyone in customer service because they won’t let him return a dented can of peas that expired 7 years ago

Edward I: tries to use a 24 year old coupon to buy lentils in bulk (he doesn’t even like lentils?) and knocks over an elaborate pepsi display in a fit of rage 

Edward II: has his card declined and demands to know why the cashier had to be so loud about it

Edward III: says “guess it’s FREE THEN HAHAHA!!!” when an item doesn’t scan right away. several items do not scan. Gets a veteran’s discount.

Richard II: that’s uhhh… a lot of advil there buddy 

Henry V: also has his card declined but drops the “DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS” line, is dressed like lucky luciano 

Henry VI: begins to panic when Margaret leaves him in line for two minutes because she forgot eggs. the line is moving quickly…so quickly

Edward IV: he has one cart filled with wine. Elizabeth Woodville has another filled with kid cuisines. 

Henry VII: pulls out the fattest binder you have ever seen and it’s filled with coupons. His transactions usually take 2 hours and he tsks the entire time. 

Henry VIII: buys bags of charcoal and dog food just so he can pick them all up and be like “yeah this isn’t even heavy to me I don’t even feel it” also buys condoms and laughs nervously 

Edward VI: literally just buying root vegetables even though he’s 9 because he is so weird

Mary I: just coming in for her weekly supply of “praying for you” cards, always gives exact change thank you mary 

Elizabeth I (if these even count as medieval anymore): no longer allowed to do her own shopping after the sweet n low incident. Now a personal shopper gets her groceries for her. it is robert dudley 

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Did a little Richard II to practice character design. 

Twitter crosspost

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Margaret of Anjou + playlist for Queens’ Appreciation Day

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♕ Histories Appreciation Week, Day 1:  Kings Appreciation

↳ Shakespeare’s Kings of England

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Tom Sturridge as Henry VI in The Hollow Crown: Henry VI Part I (2016)

(for Histories Appreciation Week 2019 - Day 1: King’s Day)

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Did someone say King’s Day?

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Reign of Richard II + ClickHole, The Onion, and Reductress headlines

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I am considering returning to this blog after a long, long hiatus, mostly because I want to talk about medieval (English) history (especially Richard II), and I am wondering if anyone who follows it is still active. 

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Marrakech.

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Whereto my finger, like a dial’s point, Is pointing still, in cleansing them from tears.

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Details of textiles in the Wilton Diptych (x)

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To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child. For what is the worth of human life, unless it is woven into the life of our ancestors by the records of history?

Marcus Tullius Cicero (via letempsmangelavie)

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Two more strong-minded, forceful and determined people could hardly have been matched. Eleanor, who was about thirty, had already been queen of France for fifteen years through her first marriage and by her second she would soon be queen of England. Daughter and heiress of William X, Duke of Aquitaine and Count of Poitou, she was beautiful, wanton, capricious, sophisticated, highly intelligent and accustomed to having her own way. Henry was nineteen years old, bull-necked, stocky and freckled, a man of electric energy and ferocious impatience, compelling charm and an ungovernable temper. The two would have a tempestuous marriage, but Eleanor bore Henry eight children and two of them kings. [x]

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Speak like a subject, proud ambitious York! Suppose that I am now my father’s mouth; Resign thy chair, and where I stand kneel thou, Whilst I propose the selfsame words to thee, Which traitor, thou wouldst have me answer to.

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Ancient Roman intaglio depicting Cupid holding a sword. Carnelian and gold.