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Forgive my classmates

Sometimes I dream about my bad days in life especially when I was middle and high school… I was got harassed by some classmates who were childish moody. They always complained about my lack of self esteem and my classmates who joined the same extracurricular activities as me.

Because of this, I lost my friends by my lack of respect as well as I also complained about them with my moody classmates.

I found the facts that they are just childish, selfish, moody and I was spending the narrow view of perspective in my middle and high school days. also they always compared to other people and they always pretended to be the best person in all of classmates furthermore they have prioritized more their own perspectives than the others but they never forgave us for our actions with their lacking understanding of our own lives.

I am very selfish even though I am 30 and I haven’t been able to forgive themselves for complaining and bullying me in middle school and high school.

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My ADHD and Bipolar Disorder

I have ADHD and bipolar disorder diagnosed for over 7 years and they make me feel sucked as always.

I googled it about the common points of ADHD and bipolar 1 disorder symptoms.

Actually I have tended to distract myself from what it happens at the moment, blabbering a lot with divergence, irregular sleeping times and not being able to handle my financial and emotional control.

They’re similar to my ADHD symptoms as my bipolar symptoms.

Though the difference is that I am quite bad at prioritizing my own interests and my personal life management.

Bipolar disorder is permanent and it must not stop cutting off my taking medication by myself because it is highly possible to get easily overwhelmed again.

As one person who has been struggling with ADHD diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder, I’d like to state that mental illness is always possible for anybody else to get everywhere and anytime. So I’d like to say that please take prioritize your mental health at first as you can manage; some people have a fun time with hanging out with their friends, others have date with their partner, some people spend time to do something and others post on here…etc.

But please don’t forget keeping your own mental health at first because if you get mental illness, it takes away your precious moments rapidly in vain.😢

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I’ve got medically confirmed ADHD diagnosis in May, 2021.

Mine is divided as two ; discretion & acting impulsively.

My discretion causes me quite often breaking important schedule, making it prioritizing & careless mistakes in every single moment. Especially it comes for me when I work & spend my daily routines.

Gradually I’ve been able to tidy up but discretion, not making it prioritized everything & careless mistakes have caused huge problems for me in every situation.

Also I’ve acted impulsively like spending my money suddenly for what I want to get when I drop off the shop & see what happens at the time & I have tendency to blab out of myself towards the other people what I want to talk about loudly so the could feel uncomfortable my saying then I must do it control but I blab out unconsciously.

I’ve got to know myself as it gets harder to make it out of bad relationships and way of communicating with people. If I was listening to someone like me, I wouldn’t stand for it.

Since I’m quite often bad at management & controlling myself; my money, anger and schedule.

I’m deflated about my diagnosis since I couldn’t work enough as normal workers do anymore. I need support or consideration for my diagnosis to live.

My family has huge personalities problems so I can’t help them but I’m satisfied with living by myself. There’s good point of view sometimes by independent from my family.

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Sakura in 2024 and turned 30 in this year.

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In 2024, it’s got started with bathroom problems.

It has begun from tap problems, after that there were shower problems and toilet problems.

Now it happens toilet paper holder problem…

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Since this Wednesday, I was about be shaky with my Christianity beliefs since one of my social workers apparently tried to impose that the church’s member’s praying and advice are for self satisfaction and my going to mother church to get to Yokohama and Shonan by alms from church’s families. Before his saying that, he identified as atheist. I felt very disappointed to hear his saying and what is none of business to me by his beliefs. Though Bible says;

“Stop trusting in mere humans, who have a breath in their nostrils. Who hold them in esteem. “

(Isaiah 2:22,NIV)

So I will keep believing in Jesus and my faith if they had denied again since Jesus Christ is with me and he carries my burden because he can heal my heart hurts.

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...and this desire for human warmth.

Albert Camus, from a diary entry written in April 1939

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“Odd” things

Beforehand, it’s presumptuous for this post so if you feel that, excuse me.

There’s word that Kazuo Ishiguro’s books; “Odd.”

Between he and I have similar “odds identity.”

Kazuo Ishiguro’s Japanese but he’d left Japan since he was 5 years old so he expresses his “odd” identity between his Japanese and British in his books.

Also I feel “odd” between Tokyo raised and my hometown raised. Since I was born in Fukuoka and I raised in suburb of Tokyo for almost 8 years. Furthermore both of my parents are from Fukuoka so I grew up with Kyushu culture.

Before living here, I moved a couple of times in each of 2 years; Tottori and Oita.

Though I’ve been living here for over 17 years so I felt odd for introducing myself as “I’m from Tokyo” or “I’m from here.”

But my ancestors were from Fukuoka so I felt like being in Fukuoka.

So my identity is unknown.

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Introducing myself

• My positive sides

• I’m in the middle of between extrovert and introvert

• I can be enjoyed both ways; by myself and with friends

• I’m music lover but I cannot read any chords at all 😂

• I’m Asexual; Lack of romantic attraction, relationship, sexual attraction and relationship through some traumatic experience

• I like to express like writing about myself by using social media platform

• I like to talk to people who have various backgrounds

• My negative sides

• I don’t like fighting and tutting with anyone

• I’m emotional and self-centred

• I do not like being sombre, grumbling and being despondent

• I tend to get short fuse

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Lack of my family’s understanding

Sometimes I mope my mom’s lack of understanding about my disability and illness.

She said to me it’s my responsibility for getting the public welfare system with minimum wage.

I DO NOT to live under the minimum wage absolutely.

In fact I CANNOT GET RECOVERED ENOUGH TO WORK YET. That’s why I must live in minimum wage.

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My tiny shoes

I have tiny feet. Even in Japan, my shoes size is smaller than the average size in Japan. (FYI, it’s US 5-5.5, 23.5-24cm. My size is US 4-4.5, 22-22.5cm.) Furthermore my width is narrow so I have difficulty for finding appropriate shoes. Even though I bought Onitsuka Tiger’s fashionable shoes in this January, they make my feet shoe sore when I wear them. It makes me grimace.

In Japan, wide width of shoes are demand but I am opposite since it must be hard to find.

I used to spend expensive heels when I was going to job hunting when I graduated from university.

My country’s job interview requires to wear heels and suits. It was uncomfortable.

In this month, October, most of Japanese companies are held entrance celebrations and ceremonies. It reminds me very weary days when I was an office worker.

I hope we don’t have to be required to wear heels during job interviews.

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I finally got my phone back into my house if I don’t use online shopping;)

I’m getting enjoyed by listening to music!!!

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First of all, it’s very good book, since I like this. Also it’s very interesting that the author, who identifies as gay, featured a lot of kinds of gender people- FTM, lesbian who raises children with her partner, cross dresser, gay who has disability, MTF who’s lesbian, the researcher about gay literature and the reporter who researches dicks despite of heterosexual…etc.

I’ve learned gender is fluid not as dividing female or male.

Actually I’ve realized I can’t say which gender is I belong to.

My words sounds like dirty talk but body shape looks like female’s.

Hence gender is vast field through reading the book.

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My teenager’s fault

I liked to have revering. At that time, I had been digging into Yaoi fiction so I used to talk to everyone about such a topic hence I treated as an eccentric person.

Furthermore, I was more selfish and indulgent than now. Once I used my friend’s deodorant spray around my body in train so she had an astonishment of my doing, since she hadn’t take on train with me for a while.

I represented selfish and clumsy. I often forgot textbooks and criticized against my classmates trend.

Now I reminded I would’ve not have a friendship with my teenager. My teenager was stressing but I learned there’re naive girls when they are adolescent.

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It’s for 5 months no phone life 🥹

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Meaningless selfie lol

I could find my sexuality- Romantic Asexual

I thought I was Asexual, but I might belong to “Romantic Asexual.” Hence I love boys love fiction though I won’t feel sexual attraction in my real life.

Once I fucked the guy who knew on online language exchange. While we had sex, I didn’t get orgasm. So I told him not getting good sex, then he said to me; “It was the first time you’re only girl who didn’t feel orgasm though I’ve fucked with over 30 girls.”

At that time, I exasperated him and I wasn’t normal girl who didn’t want to get good by fucking. Meanwhile I searched “Asexual “ on the internet, I realized there’re a lot of spectrum even in Asexuals.

At first time, I was puzzled. Because I do masturbation from sexual content but I didn’t feel orgasm with having a sex. Furthermore I’ve had romancing for guys (I adored Ohtani, just because we are same ages) though I never attract with sexual relationships.

In Japan, there’s virtue that we experience romance with boys then marrying, after that raising their children. Romance seems like natural cause of our culture. However, I can’t feel sexual attraction and romantically relationship.

Then I found the sexuality called “Romantic Asexual “ and “Quoiromantic.”

Actually I wish I could have the partner relationship people whatever any of gender identity.

When I found them, I relieved from the bottom of my heart.

What is my sexuality?

I recognize my sexuality seems asexual but sometimes I wanna get married with some people though I don’t have any sexual attraction from them.

How should I pronounce my sexuality? As I recognize, I don’t have sexual attraction from men and women. However sometimes I want to get partner who understands I don’t feel any sexual attraction and don’t want to have any kids (Because I hate kids tantrums!)

I wonder whether I pronounce my sexuality is straight, asexual or Demi sexual.