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rkxsungwoon-blog · 6 years ago

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danielxrk‌:

( ... )

of course sungwoon doesn’t remember; truthfully, daniel likes it better this way. he wants to be able to tell him what happened himself, so he smiles, fond, with the slightest spark of mischief that only grows. “you don’t? i guess it’ll just have to stay between me and drunk sungwoon, then,” but he laughs and shakes his head. “no, not squall. you were cute.”

the rational part of him knows that this physical distance is a good thing, that if daniel had decided to come along on this trip with sungwoon, they’d spend too much time wallowing in grief and not enough enjoying japan on its own terms. the rational part of him knows that the two of them are probably a destructive combination; in the end, sungwoon is aware they’re the ones who gave empty enigma too much of their hearts to walk away from this unscathed. if daniel were here, they wouldn’t be able to avoid the subject the way they do over video call, dancing around the clear elephant in the room. it’s not even an elephant—empty enigma is the room on fire, and sungwoon and daniel are trapped inside, pretending not to notice the flames and the thickening smoke.

sungwoon knows all this, and yet he still wishes daniel were here. the phone screen is too small, his hotel room is too empty, and sungwoon is too lonely. god, he loves his friends, but it’s different with daniel (with woojin, with kenta, even with minhyun). less of the bullshit, less of the walls, less of the persistent feeling that he can’t be himself while his band—his former band—knew all the good and the bad. the sungwoon and the squall. they accepted both personas when sungwoon had trouble accepting even one.

he resists the urge to massage his temples. stop thinking about it. shifting his focus to daniel’s face instead, sungwoon bites the inside of his cheek, perhaps to stop himself from saying what’s in his heart. i miss you and i wish you were here aren’t embarrassing statements on their own, but the depth of his sincerity is new. he’s so used to wanting to be alone that the yearning he feels for daniel, even if it’s just to sit beside him in silence or be enveloped in one of his crushing hugs, terrifies him. it isn’t the crippling kind of fear, though, but the good one, the kind that precedes a rush of adrenaline, the kind thrill-seekers spend a lifetime chasing.

maybe it means something that sungwoon doesn’t want to run away from it.

which is why when daniel tells him he has something to come back to, sungwoon’s smile wavers, but doesn’t crumble entirely. it’s funny how daniel can—likely by accident—hit the nail on the head every single time. sungwoon shifts in place and tugs the covers over his legs, knowing that as long as he’s fussing he doesn’t have to say anything, and as long he’s not saying anything, he has time to think. he can’t lie and say the thought of never going back isn’t appealing. japan is beautiful and he’s already here. it would be easy to just stay and start over if he wanted to. but he can’t—he’s never run that far, never run away without the intention to return.

is it a flaw or a gift? he’s not sure, but he always, always goes back. and he will go back to daniel, if for no other reason that he promised he would. sungwoon doesn’t want to be the type of person who doesn’t keep his promises. he’s better than that, and daniel deserves better than that. and going back is going to be… ugly and messy and terrible because the one thing he counted on being there for him for so long isn’t anymore, but—he’ll deal with that then. ashes and broken hearts and ruins—he’ll wade through it then and not a moment sooner.

“i don’t know,” sungwoon says slowly. “what are you offering me, really? to come back, i mean.” there’s a teasing glint in his eye; if daniel can be mischievous, so can he. “i need to be enticed.” it’s light-hearted enough that it’s obvious sungwoon is joking, but daniel likely needs reassurance, so he after a pause he adds, “i’m kidding; i’ll come back for you.” the emphasis on for you is probably unnecessary, but it slips out and if he tried to take it back it would be too obvious. daniel’s heard cheesier from him, sungwoon supposes.

it’s true that he could probably call earlier. “i’ll try not to keep you up too late,” he says apologetically, wincing. it’s easy to lose track of time on vacation; the group usually doesn’t get back to the hotel till late, and then sungwoon spends half an hour at the very least trying to talk himself out of wanting to call daniel maybe he should skip that step. “though to be fair, i am living it up in japan. and by that i mean, this is the only free time and i have and i’m giving it to you!” who else would he give it to, really? his own thoughts are disgustingly loud and morose; he’d rather drown them out with daniel’s voice.

a laugh bursts forth as daniel threatens (promises?) to fall asleep on call. sungwoon honestly wouldn’t be surprised if it happened. wouldn’t mind either. daniel’s weird ass sleep schedule often causes him to worry. “you’re asking me to watch you sleep and drool all over your pillow?” he scoffs, still holding back a smile. “i love you, but not that much.” there’s a brief moment of hesitation after the words slip out where sungwoon feels like he’s crossed a line—even casual ‘i love yous’ mean something to him, though he wonders if daniel chooses to read them anything more as, well, friends being friends. he doesn’t know and doesn’t want to ask and hastens to move on. “on second thought, do fall asleep. i’ll record it and add it to my daniel blackmail collection.”

admittedly, he’s relieved he didn’t squall-out, but daniel’s words don’t inspire a lot of confidence in his drunken self either. “drunk sungwoon is an asshole,” sungwoon says flatly. “you don’t want anything to do with him. meanwhile i, sober sungwoon, am your best friend. you’re not going to keep a secret from me, are you?” his pouting, puppy-dog look is nowhere near as effective as daniel’s, but sungwoon gives it a shot anyway. the word ‘cute’ makes him nervous and ready to throw out his pride—what could he have possible said or done to inspire that? “if you don’t tell me, it’s going to keep me up all night,” he adds, not admitting that thoughts of daniel frequently do anyway.

✞* i’d give up gravity to feel ╯

#danielxrk #( t: i’d give up gravity to feel )#( can u believe i made it shorter )#( ' shorter ' )

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rkxsungwoon-blog · 6 years ago

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just (don’t) dance

@rkdongmin

do one thing that scares you every day.

it’s a good motto to live by. not sungwoon’s motto, but a good one. not a lot of things scare him—and the things that do, he can’t really act on. there are things that make him uncomfortable, sure, but he usually avoids them unless he feels like punishing himself. today doesn’t feel like a day for punishments. so far, he’s been doing pretty well in the fifa 19 tournament. in between matches, he wanders around, at times spectating other games, other times grabbing some food for himself. he’s genuinely enjoying the day; this is the most fun sungwoon has had in a while.

so why is the just dance 2019 station haunting him?

maybe he has a humiliation kink. just dance is the last game he should be itching to play considering his own lack of skills, but it’s calling him like a siren song. except the siren is psy’s gangnam style and sungwoon has the willpower to resist it. he thinks. you can’t dance, he reminds himself. sungwoon isn’t so much of a glutton for punishment that he’d subject himself to public embarrassment by trying to compete in just dance. but—well. the game isn’t really about being a good dancer. plenty of other people look stupid up there trying to match the moves. he could play on beginner.

he just doesn’t want to let some game best him.

“think i could manage that even with two left feet?” he asks the spectator next to him, frowning as he sees a couple of people execute some particularly challenging moves to the cheer of the crowd. “or am i crazy for wanting to give it a shot? it’s crazy, right? if you can’t dance, then you shouldn’t dance.” but… do one thing that scares you every day. maybe this is sungwoon’s thing.

#rkgamex #rkdongmin #( c: threads )#( t: just don't dance )#( i hope this is okay oof )#( i have no idea what i'm writing )#( let me know if you need anything changed!! )

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rkxsungwoon-blog · 6 years ago

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practice match

@rkjordan

with the new semester approaching and his usual outlets for stress no longer accessible, sungwoon spends some time searching for new ways to blow off some steam before school starts. japan, as fun as it was, turned out to be a lot of things he didn’t expect, with the latter half of his trip focused on wanting to return to seoul as soon as possible. now that he’s here, he regrets he didn’t take more time to kick back and relax.

so when his friend texts him about the game x tournament, sungwoon feels like it might be fate. truth is, he needs this. his schedule’s looking bad right up until graduation, and this could very well be the last fun thing he does until march. he signs up without hesitation for the fifa 19 tournament. with how many hours sungwoon has sunk into the game, he feels like he has a decent shot at making it pretty far. his competitive side demands he go in with the aim to win, but sungwoon is realistic enough that he’ll settle for making it to the finals and then getting his ass kicked.

the coex mall is crowded on the saturday of the event, but that much is to be expected. after checking in, sungwoon drops off a bundle of old clothing and a bag of food with the staff—it’d feel wrong to take advantage of the event and not do his part for charity, so he’d done his best to collect something to give over the past few days. with that done, he wanders over to check out the arenas (and the competition).

the just dance crowd seems the rowdiest of them all. sungwoon steers clear of them and the game. he still can’t really dance, thanks, and has no desire to prove that in front of a crowd. injustice 2 looks fun, and sungwoon lingers watching a few of the matches with interest. if he has time, he’d like to try it out. but first: fifa. it’s been difficult to find the time to play recently and it might be a good idea to squeeze in a practice game or two. running his eyes over the crowd, he spots someone with a similar wristband as him. wouldn’t hurt to ask if they’d be into a practice match, right?

“hey.” squeezing through a group of guys waxing not-so-poetic about injustice 2 characters, sungwoon grins at the man with the wristband. “are you here to play fifa? if you are, would you be up for a practice round? it’s been a couple of months since i last played and my skills are rusty.” he rubs the back of his neck with a sheepish laugh, wondering if maybe he’ll be a little out of his depth, but—muscle memory, right? even if the mind forgets, the fingers remember. he can’t be that bad. it’s only a practice game anyway; it’s not like he needs to crush the competition.

… or does he?

#rkgamex #rkjordan #( c: threads )#( t: practice match )#( this is needlessly long so please feel free to cut it!! )#( i hope this works for you!! let me know if i need to change anything )

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rkxsungwoon-blog · 6 years ago

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danielxrk‌:

( ... )

he doesn’t have expectations, but when he picks up sungwoon’s video call tuesday night (wednesday morning, technically), he’s curious. he lays on his stomach in his bed, propping up his phone with both of his hands when sungwoon appears. he smiles at him, and chirps a happy “hi!” always excited to see him because as embarrassing as it is to admit, he always misses him the whole day. that nagging curiosity sticks, and it becomes evident that it isn’t going to go away, so he decides to get it out of the way early, while he has the chance: “do you remember anything that happened last night?” but he says it with a smile, edging on teasing.

japan feels like as escape.

sungwoon spends the better part of the plane ride squeezed between a nervous old man and a teenager who sends him a dirty look every time he shifts in his seat, but even his discomfort can’t tear his thoughts away from the wreckage of empty enigma. part of him always believed they’d end with a bang and not a whimper—and maybe this implosion is a bang, but not the kind sungwoon envisioned for them. and now he’s desperate to flee the remains of what was the best part of his life, to pretend for a moment that his life isn’t crashing down around him, because without empty enigma he has nothing else, just the jagged remains of a shattered dream.

it hurts to grin, to laugh and make jokes with his friends when his heart is in pieces and his mind is in shambles. sungwoon wants to enjoy their holiday, their final hurrah before it’s time to buckle down and face graduation with an iron focus, but his thoughts keep circling back to what he’s leaving behind. still, he’s a good liar if nothing else, and the skill serves him well enough that no one really questions his brief moments of gloom trickling out past the forced smiles and faux excitement. those who see past his carefully constructed mask are too smart and too familiar with sungwoon to say anything about it.

the alcohol helps, a lot. sungwoon spends the first two nights of their trip drunk out of his mind. when he’s wasted, he’s happy, free of the burdens that sober sungwoon has resting on his shoulders. when he’s wasted, he’s not upset and bitter and so fucking angry at how things have turned out. when he’s wasted, he can successfully pretend that empty enigma isn’t… isn’t, period, because while he hasn’t said the d-word out loud yet, the truth is clear enough for everyone to see.

he knows the band probably think he’s running away from his problems. they wouldn’t be entirely wrong. after both woojin and kenta signed the contract, sungwoon had shredded all the new music he’d been working on for the past month and sat amidst the scraps and tried not to cry. the plans for a summer tour, for the second album, for new merch had eventually been added to the pile as well. the money he’d saved for the band—instrument repair, the rent for their practice space, a new keyboard—sungwoon funneled into the japan trip because he deserves this. he deserves the chance to break down away from everyone else and mourn.

running away from the fallout of empty enigma’s death also means running away from daniel, which is something sungwoon never intended to do again. he’d promised not to several times and repeated it after he’d told the band about his trip to japan. “i’ll come back,” he said. it’s not because of you, he didn’t add. before the mga finale, back when sungwoon still believed things would turn out alright, he’d felt good about him and daniel. daniel’s sort-of-a-confession-but-not-really before the auditions changed things between them, and while it took sungwoon a while to really be okay with whatever it implied, he’d eventually come to terms with the fact that even half of daniel’s heart was a half he’d happily accept.

and then the moments peppered during the competition that almost made sungwoon hope for more—he’d thought that after the finale, empty enigma would be reunited, maybe book a music festival gig before the end of the summer and go on that road trip sungwoon always wanted to do. and he’d—well. think about kissing daniel under the stars but not do it, but even entertaining the fantasy made him feel giddy. things would be alright, because the band brought them together and bound them together and it would always be there—

god. sungwoon was so naive.

maybe it’s because the rest of his life is in pieces, but he can’t help but worry that whatever tentative thing he has with daniel will be headed in the same direction. without empty enigma as the glue that holds them together, what if they drift apart? losing woojin and kenta is hard enough, but losing daniel is more than just painful, it’s… gut-wrenching. sungwoon doesn’t deal well with being left behind. it’s his inherent greediness, his selfishness coming to the surface. i don’t want to be alone. i don’t want to lose you. i don’t want to not be enough.

(i don’t know if you’ll like me outside of the band).

sungwoon doesn’t want daniel to see him like this: weak, pathetic, small, and so, so tired. he doesn’t want daniel to feel like he has to comfort sungwoon when he knows daniel’s going through shit of his own. but he doesn’t think he can be strong around them all the time either. he’s a good liar, but not that good. and daniel has the uncomfortable skill of being able to read him almost too well. and so japan, alcohol, forgetting, forgetting, forgetting, but even then he circles back to daniel every single time, wanting to see his face even when he’s piss-drunk and honest and wondering if kissing him breathless would solve at least one of his many problems. probably not.

he’s almost scared to call him again tonight. sungwoon doesn’t really remember what they’d talked about the day before. he’d been drunk and it was something like two am, but his records show that he’d been on video call with daniel for two whole hours. two hours of conversation sungwoon can’t recall, and while he’s fairly sure he didn’t have a full breakdown in front of daniel (he’s a jolly drunk more often than a weepy one), sungwoon is still nervous.

but daniel’s grin and chirpy hello once he answers the call eases some of sungwoon’s anxiety, even as he feels the same rush of excitement and fondness run through him as he does every time he sees daniel smile. it’s weird to still feel this way when daniel is… just daniel. love is weird in general; it ties up sungwoon’s emotions into complicated knots and leaves him with one overwhelmingly uncomplicated feeling: that he misses daniel. “hey.” his mouth turns up in an easy smile, instinctively matching daniel’s. less fake than the ones he gives his friends, though not entirely sincere either. “wish i could say i’m surprised to see you still awake—you know you can just ignore my calls, right?”

selfishly, he chooses not to ask daniel about the rest of the guys, or anything to do with the aftermath of empty enigma. sungwoon needs to distance himself from it in order to not think about it—and he’s struggling with that anyway, so any reminders of what he’s chosen to temporarily leave behind aren’t welcome. “if you can’t sleep, i can sing you a lullaby,” sungwoon continues, tearing his thoughts away from topics best left alone. “twinkle, twinkle—”

he’s glad the lighting in his hotel room is shit so that daniel can’t see him pale. “i don’t remember a lot,” sungwoon admits after a pause. “or anything? i didn’t go full squall on you, did i?” as embarrassing as that would be, sungwoon would take it over the things he doesn’t want to—and shouldn’t—say.

✞* i’d give up gravity to feel ╯

#danielxrk #( c: threads )#( t: i’d give up gravity to feel )#( here we go again )

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rkxsungwoon-blog · 6 years ago

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sungwoon @hahawoon97 • 36m

it’s been so hard to keep this a big secret, but! i went to watch the mga5 finale live! it was a bit weird to be there but not on stage, to be honest. i went into this competition with the intention to see myself up there tonight in the finale. it didn’t happen (obviously...) but i’m lucky i was given the chance to support my friends anyway. sometimes mnet can be kind ㅋㅋ

‹ 💬 ◦ ↻ ◦ ♡ ◦ ✉ ›

sungwoon @hahawoon97 • 35m

speaking of friends! i also want to take this chance to publicly congratulate them and acknowledge all their hard work. please forgive my spamming ^_^;;

‹ 💬 ◦ ↻ ◦ ♡ ◦ ✉ ›

sungwoon @hahawoon97 • 29m

kenta, i’m seriously floored by all the growth i saw from you throughout this season. every time i think i know you, you end up surprising me (in good ways) by busting out a new talent. i’m proud of all the hard work and commitment you put in, and even though you didn’t win, i think you proved yourself out there! you’ll always be an amazing performer and i’m glad more people got to see that

‹ 💬 ◦ ↻ ◦ ♡ ◦ ✉ ›

sungwoon @hahawoon97 • 28m

you know i’m your fan for life, right?

‹ 💬 ◦ ↻ ◦ ♡ ◦ ✉ ›

sungwoon @hahawoon97 • 20m

woojin, from the minute i first saw you dance, i knew you were something special (still can’t believe you hid that from us for so long). i’ve seen how much mental and physical effort you put into all your performances and i’m glad even a little bit of that was recognized. i know i usually hog the stage when we perform together, but i think from now on, you’re going to be the shining star between the two of us!

‹ 💬 ◦ ↻ ◦ ♡ ◦ ✉ ›

sungwoon @hahawoon97 • 19m

please don’t forget me when you’re famous ㅠㅠ

‹ 💬 ◦ ↻ ◦ ♡ ◦ ✉ ›

sungwoon @hahawoon97 • 12m

daniel, i never really know what you say to you - shocking, huh? i think... firstly, i’m sorry i couldn’t be by your side throughout this journey. i really wanted to, especially since we went through this together last year, and it sucks that things didn’t work out the same way. but i’ve always been supporting you from the sidelines. i feel awful that you had to endure so much and i wish i could’ve just... taken some of that heat off you

‹ 💬 ◦ ↻ ◦ ♡ ◦ ✉ ›

sungwoon @hahawoon97 • 7m

but this isn’t about regrets. not really. i’m in awe of the way you pushed through all the criticisms, all the negativity, all the truly awful crap. i always knew you were hardworking (and stubborn), but you really kept at it and kept getting better with every week. you’re an inspiration to me and so many other people now. i know this isn’t the result you wanted, but you’ll get there one day. i believe in you. i always will

‹ 💬 ◦ ↻ ◦ ♡ ◦ ✉ ›

sungwoon @hahawoon97 • 6m

i love you ^^

‹ 💬 ◦ ↻ ◦ ♡ ◦ ✉ ›

sungwoon @hahawoon97 • 2m

congratulations to everyone else who participated in the mgas and to the winning team! i gotta say, trc’s victory took me by surprise, but it was well deserved. it’s been a seriously cool experience to be involved in the show overall, whether as a participant or a viewer. i’m looking forward to following everyone’s careers from now on

‹ 💬 ◦ ↻ ◦ ♡ ◦ ✉ ›

sungwoon @hahawoon97 • 1m

✌️ this is sungwoon signing off for tonight!

‹ 💬 ◦ ↻ ◦ ♡ ◦ ✉ ›

#( c: twitter )#rkkenta #rkpwj #danielxrk #rkmga5 #( yes this is long )#( he has a lot of feelings )#( he's so proud of all his friends )#( and of everyone who participated in the mgas!! )#( ALSO PLEASE PRETEND I POSTED THIS LAST NIGHT )#( didn't want to spoil anyone who hadn't read the episode hence the delay )

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rkxsungwoon-blog · 6 years ago

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hahawoon.97 • following

hello everyone! this is former mga contest #5008, ha sungwoon! feels like it’s been a really long journey so far, but it’s only episode four ㅎㅎ i’m grateful once again to have had the opportunity to participate in another season of the mgas. it’s been a rewarding experience despite everything! i’m sorry to everyone who was disappointed by my performance and my careless mistake during my final episode. i will be reflecting on this and hopefully show a better side of myself from now on. i know this is a lot to ask, but i hope you’ll support me in the future as well.

but in the meantime! please give #5045 TAKADA KENTA, #5038 PARK WOOJIN, and #5017 KANG DANIEL a lot of love! they’re all hardworking, dedicated, and talented individuals... i can no longer take care of them, so i hope you’ll do so in my stead ㅠㅠ please be sure to support JUNG EUNJI in all her future activities too! she’s seriously talented and i wish i could’ve given her a better result. still, eunji, fighting! kenta, fighting! woojin, fighting! daniel, fighting! ❤️

♥ like 💬 comment ⌚ just now

#rkmga5 #( c: instagram )#rkkenta #rkpwj #danielxrk #rkeunji #( whew )#( it's been a fun ride lads! )

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rkxsungwoon-blog · 6 years ago

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@jinsoulrk

( ✉ ➝ sungwoon 🍌 ) ⌲ i’ve been watching you on the mgas!!! ⌲ they’ve been filming you well, you look really good!! ⌲ like a real idol! ⌲ yesterday i was on a bus and i heard some girls say you’re cute ⌲ anyways, now that you have so many duet partners, don’t forget about me okay!! ⌲ even if they’re better at singing or dancing than me, i was still one of the first ones!!!

( ✉ ➝ princess peach 🍑 )

⤷ Oh…….. ⤷ Thank you for watching me 😊 ⤷ I don’t think there’s much to watch ( * deleted! ) ⤷ I miss team fresh n’ fruity though! ⤷ The MGAs aren’t the same without you guys 😭 ⤷ Are you sure they weren’t talking about Daniel?? ⤷ But of course I could never forget about you!! ⤷ You’re my favorite duet partner ok! ⤷ The First and Favorite 😄

#jinsoulrk #( c: texts )#( i forgot about this omg )#( i love jinsoul!!! )#submission

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rkxsungwoon-blog · 6 years ago

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☆ MGA5 EPISODE FOUR; JULY 18 #5008 HA SUNGWOON ; interview

for the first time since he entered the competition, sungwoon faces the post performance interview with apprehension. his unease is apparent from the moment his name is called, and even the staff remark on his subdued attitude as they fix up his makeup. the smile on his face is fake, more for their sake than his own. “i’m fine,” he says cheerfully. “just… indigestion.” no one questions him too closely, and he keeps the painfully insincere grin in place as he enters the interview room and greets the interviewer.

he has no real strategy for how to approach this, no idea what she’s going to hit him with this week. no idea how he’s going to answer, either, but a manic voice in sungwoon’s head tells him that he has nothing else to lose—so go with honesty for once in his goddamn life.

what were your thoughts on last week’s results? one of your band members, minhyun, was eliminated from the competition, wasn’t he?

of course they would begin with this. a familiar formula, yet he blinks, taken aback. perhaps because his mind isn’t fully present, and he has to work to pull his thoughts away from the churning guilt and mortification ever present in his mind. “the eliminations came as a shock,” sungwoon says plainly. “the top three were expected—mason, sia, and suwoong have all proved themselves already, and i think their partners definitely benefited from being paired up with them.” mason carried his duo in particular in sungwoon’s opinion, but he thinks that much is obvious. “so yeah, no surprises there. the eliminations were a different beast, though. i thought jinyoung and jeonghan should’ve been in the top three.” objectively, their performance was one of the best in his eyes. “yuqi and minhyun should’ve been safe too, but i guess my sixth sense failed me last round.”

he looks down at his hands, then back up with a distracted smile. “the shot at redemption… i’m not sure how to feel about that twist, but like everyone else, i’m eager to see who survives.”

are you hoping minhyun will return?

“i am.” he nods once, thinking that it would be poetic justice if minhyun returns just as sungwoon leaves, but the thought of empty enigma on the show without him hurts and he abandons it altogether. “of course i’d like to see him advance; he’s a talented performer and he deserves to be here. he’s versatile, he’s handsome, and he has a great personality. also, he recycles. isn’t he perfect?”

is it fair to say minhyun deserves to be here when some people question your band’s intentions in this competition?

his lips press into a thin line. “you’re talking about what eric said, right?” the interviewer nods, and sungwoon shrugs. “isn’t that a question for daniel? he’s the one who got called out.”

but the rest of your band was included in their comments as well.

“‘the band guys,’” sungwoon says, enveloping the phrase in air quotes before letting his arms fall to the sides. “you know, i’m kind of getting tired of it.” he hears the same sort of thing in interviews week after week. reads the same sort of thing online with netizens commenting on ‘daniel and the band’ like they’re one single entity. and god, it isn’t daniel’s fault that mnet seems to have made him the face of empty enigma. sungwoon doesn’t blame him for it—daniel deserves the attention and recognition he’s getting. but it is exhausting to feel like his contributions don’t matter. like he doesn’t matter. “it’s understandable to question our intentions, but i believe it’s disrespectful to pretend we’re not working as hard as anyone else here. we’ve earned our place through our own talents.”

his voice is even, controlled, the expression on his face mild. sungwoon doesn’t say that eric’s words have made him question what he’s doing here—because he’s not entirely wrong. they do want to promote the band, but he doesn’t understand why taking pride in their accomplishments is coded as a terrible thing. after all, people can have more than one goal. sungwoon doesn’t confess that the first thing he did when he arrived in seoul was audition to be an idol. he doesn’t point out that last year, he participated in the mgas without revealing his band, for all intents and purposes a genuine idol hopeful. he doesn’t admit that he wants to be here, even if eric is right and he’s taking a chance away from someone else.

(someone like minhyun).

sungwoon is a practiced enough liar that he doesn’t let any cracks show. “i can’t speak for everyone else’s intentions, but i know we all have our own reasons for being here beyond just promoting the band. we’re not a hive-mind or a homogeneous blob, even though people talk about us like we are. we’re individuals with our own goals and desires outside of our band too.” he plays with his frayed cuffs, picking at an errant thread as he speaks. “i mean, most of us have been pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones and performing in ways we never would in a band. we wouldn’t do that if we weren’t taking this seriously.”

he takes a deep breath, his smile turning sardonic as he leans forward. “and i want to say—if i have the decency to learn the names of everyone in the competition, i think others should make an effort too.” sungwoon holds up a hand and counts down. “sungwoon. woojin. kenta. minhyun. we’re not just ‘the guys’ or ‘the others’ or ‘daniel’s band.’ use our names next time you want to talk about us.”

moving on, you were paired with eunji this week. how was it like working with her?

his smile is a little more sincere at the mention of eunji. “she’s talented. seriously talented. we already knew each other prior to the competition—we’re neighbors—and working with her was both fun and easy.” he wants to laugh as the memory of their grease failures come to mind. “we were originally going to do grease’s summer lovin’, but we couldn’t keep a straight face while singing.” chuckling slightly, sungwoon runs a hand through his hair. “i don’t know why though; i think i could be a good danny zuko?” sungwoon gives the camera a winning smile before turning back to the interviewer. “really, it was great. rehearsal was never dull, and i think we sound really good together too. i’m so glad we were paired together.”

how do you think your performance went?

sungwoon fights to keep his expression neutral. how do you think it went? he wants to ask, but refrains. humiliation still burns under his skin, but the anger at himself, at the whole situation, has faded. instead he’s caught somewhere between resignation and guilt for what this could do to eunji. maybe if he doesn’t discuss their mistake, the interviewer won’t press for details. with that in mind, he decides to stick to the positives.

“i haven’t sung many showtunes before; i’m not familiar with musicals in general,” he admits. “but i wanted to challenge myself to try something new. i don’t know when else i’ll get the chance to experiment with different styles of music like this again.” his face falls a bit, but he fights to pull it back up. “eunji’s a phenomenal singer, so singing with her wasn’t hard either. it felt very natural to sell the whole story of the song.” he laughs and rubs his nose. “i mean, it’s not hard to pretend you’re falling in love with eunji, so i think we captured the essence of the number.”

you made a mistake, though. what went wrong?

he visibly deflates. bold of him to think mnet would let him pass without addressing this in some fashion. arms falling to his sides (flailing, despite his best efforts), sungwoon sucks in a deep breath. “we went over the time limit. unfortunately, we didn’t realize we’d been practicing with the wrong backing track all well.” lifting his head, he adds, “i’m not trying to make excuses for us. i understand that it’s extremely unprofessional to make a mistake like that. i’m disappointed in myself for not catching it sooner. i’m disappointed that all people are going to remember of our stage in the future is our flub. that’s not the impression i want to leave people with.”

another deep breath. he grips the edge of his seat. “none of this is eunji’s fault. i hope my mistake doesn’t reflect badly on her because she’s an amazing performer. even if we get eliminated, i want people to know that—she’s worth supporting till the end.”

is there anyone you are certain will move onto the next phase of the mgas?

sungwoon takes a moment to gather himself before responding. “suwoong and kyulkyung. suwoong impressed me; he showed a completely different side of himself, and he and kyulkyung compliment each other really well. their performance was… electric and intimate. i genuinely think they deserve to win today.” he’d been critical of whether suwoong was taking this competition seriously in one of the earlier rounds, but he can feel his sincerity now. “i also hope yukhei and woojin go through; i thought their performance was fun and they balance each other out well.”

is there anyone you are certain will be eliminated today?

“us.” this is the first time sungwoon has ever answered the question. “if the judges hold us to our mistake,” here he pauses and gives the interviewer a self-deprecating smile, “and i think they should, it’ll be us.” joohyun’s elimination hurt, but sungwoon understood it. he’d understand them being sent home as well. turning to face the camera, sungwoon stands and bows before saying, “i’m sorry, eunji.” sungwoon can’t bring himself to say more, his throat suddenly dry.

the interviewer seems to sense as much and thanks him for his time. sungwoon bids her farewell and returns to his seat. he’s oddly tired, but the full weight of today hasn’t crashed into him yet. he suspects he’ll feel worse after the eliminations, but for now, sungwoon looks down at his feet and waits.

#rkmga5 #rkmga5duos2 #( c: solo )#( wc: 1694 )#( +2 chr )#( will tag people later i'm so tired )#( as always if i mentioned you and you'd like me to edit/remove it please lmk! )

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rkxsungwoon-blog · 6 years ago

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☆ MGA5 EPISODE FOUR; JULY 18 #5008 HA SUNGWOON ; FT. JUNG EUNJI ( duos 2 ) performance: can you feel the love tonight - the lion king * starts at 0:33, music cuts out at 2:33, but sungwoon and eunji sing for a few more seconds before being stopped

it was only a matter of time, sungwoon thinks.

statistically speaking, at least one member of empty enigma was bound to get eliminated soon. they’ve entered the stage of the competition where each departure cuts deeper than the one before. talented people are being sent home week after week, and it’s the height of arrogance to consider yourself safe from elimination before the results are out. part of him is surprised they’ve lasted this long as a unit when people clearly aren’t happy about them being on the show—sungwoon has read the comments, even though he advised the rest of the band not to—but even if mnet is keeping them around for whatever reason, they’re still playing with fire.

minhyun is the first of them to get burned.

sungwoon’s eyes widen in shock as minhyun and yuqi are eliminated. he doesn’t personally agree with the previous cuts either, but these two come as a surprise, not only because of minhyun, but because yuqi had been acknowledged as one of the best by the judges the week prior. he half-rises from his seat to stalk over and—well, he wants to say something in outrage, but remembers a moment later that he’s still on camera and it probably wouldn’t tide over well.

instead, he remains seated, back ramrod straight, his hands clenched into fists as the new duos are announced for the next round. his protests are lodged in his throat as he watches the ceos, as if that in itself will help him understand their decision. it isn’t fair. minhyun is a good singer. minhyun is a fair dancer. minhyun is handsome and charming with a good personality. all things sungwoon wouldn’t say out loud to his face but believes with all his heart. minhyun doesn’t deserve this.

if it had to be someone from empty enigma, it should’ve been him.

he feels obsolete here; daniel is their representative, the undisputed face of the band. woojin is slowly rising every week, kenta has the talent and charm and has somehow already befriended everyone in the competition. minhyun is the total package, the perfect idol already. all four of them are brightly shining stars. meanwhile, sungwoon is coasting, not good or bad enough to stand out. he’s a member of the ensemble, but is all this worth it for a background bit part?

more than that, he’s done this once before. minhyun hasn’t. doesn’t it make more sense for him to go home and for minhyun to forge ahead? it’s not self-doubt that makes him question what he’s doing here but sheer frustration. does sungwoon deserve to be in this competition, to survive up until this point? absolutely; he’s never doubted the fact that he belongs on stage. but should he be here? that’s a different question altogether.

he wishes he could give this seat to minhyun, wishes he could say, hey, the stage is yours and you don’t have to say goodbye yet. but the judges say as much for him when they indicate that there’s a shot at redemption for the eliminated contestants. sungwoon desperately tries not to get his hopes up for minhyun. anything can happen, after all, but that can work in their favour as much as it can against it. squeezing his eyes shut, sungwoon offers up a silent prayer. please let minhyun come back; he needs to be here.

(the nagging voice in the back of his mind asks, do you?)

sungwoon’s partner for the next episode is eunji.

dread settles in his stomach for a different reason than previously. while he didn’t know jaemin at all, eunji is too familiar. they’re neighbours and, in his mind, friends. he likes eunji as a person and admires her as a performer; her stages have been some of sungwoon’s favorites so far. honestly, he should be elated at being given the chance to perform with her. together, they can deliver something special.

and yet—he doesn’t know where they stand. the empty enigma reveal fucked up a lot of things. granted, sungwoon never interacted with eunji as squall, never lied about the band because it was never a topic of conversation to begin with. most of her ire seems to be reserved for daniel (for reasons sungwoon doesn’t know and doesn’t want to know), but sungwoon is nervous none the less, apologies poised to spill from his lips the moment eunji arrives at the band’s practice space for their first practice together.

they don’t turn out to be necessary, though sungwoon gives them anyway. a lie by omission is still a lie, and eunji deserves better from him. still, he’s relieved to put the awkwardness behind them and gives her his first unabashedly happy smile of the competition, knowing they’ll pull off a great stage. he doesn’t pry into her issues with daniel, but does promise to tell daniel to steer clear of the practice space until filming on thursday. it’s probably better for the both of them to put all their focus into the upcoming performance, anyway, and daniel is a naturally distracting presence.

song selection takes precedence shortly after their talk. eunji’s a powerhouse singer and dancer from what he’s observed so far. on the other hand, sungwoon gives her a wry smile and tells her that asking him to dance is a crime against humanity. sure, he feels like he’s improved a lot from last year, but he’d still look like a sack of potatoes next to eunji; she’s at such a high level that he would only bring her down. so a vocal performance it is, and sungwoon’s content with that, though he’s eager to show a more dynamic image this time around. after a ballad and an acoustic arrangement, he wants to do something exciting.

however, if there’s anything sungwoon learned from last week’s performance, it’s the art of compromise. he wants this stage to be one both he and eunji can take pride in, so he listens to her desires and soft nos and tries to meet somewhere in the middle: showtunes. musicals aren’t something sungwoon is all that familiar with. he remembers going to one on the university campus, maybe, but it was badly acted and sung. their numbers are certainly dynamic and entertaining in the right hands though, so he’s willing to give it a shot.

they settle on summer lovin’ from grease at first—an iconic classic even sungwoon is familiar with. danny zuko is a role squall could play with his eyes closed, but sungwoon is reluctant to channel him fully in front of eunji. out of embarrassment, yeah, but latent guilt as well, perhaps a smidge of this is a part of me i don’t want you to see? he remains mostly sungwoon instead, and maybe that’s why both he and eunji can’t hold in their laughter while rehearsing. summer lovin’ had me a blast—

“it’s because i’m too handsome, right?” sungwoon says in mock despair. “you’re afraid you might fall in love for real… i get it. you need to laugh to save yourself.” admittedly, there’s something about the number as a whole that strikes sungwoon as hilarious, the whole boy meets girl in the most contrived way part. he thinks he can act pretty well, but perhaps caging squall kills any momentum he could’ve had. sacrifices and compromises, though.

summer lovin’ gets trashed when they come to the conclusion that they can’t keep a straight face throughout their performance and the search for another song continues. at some point, sungwoon and eunji end up talking about the lion king remake and whether they’ll be watching it and—it’s a musical, with an iconic duet right there. can you feel the love tonight all but falls into their laps. it’s funny that the song itself is a lot more romantic than summer lovin’ could ever hope to be, but sungwoon is confident they can pull it off if they take it seriously enough.

the different style of singing throws him off initially, but sungwoon adjusts to it easily enough. the theatricality suits him, and eunji is a fun partner to play off. they look and sound good together, in his opinion. most of their rehearsals go off without a hitch, and for once, sungwoon feels positive heading into thursday’s filming. his throat is in good condition, he’s been watching the lion king non stop for the past week, and he knows the song like the back of his hand. even if he hasn’t solved the question of whether or not he should still be here, sungwoon is still going to give the performance of his life. he owes it to eunji, and to the people who’ve been supporting him till now.

(other distractions can wait).

he doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to being separated from the rest of the band. sungwoon tries to catch a few of their eyes when he arrives, but they seem understandably busy, possibly anxious. the building never gets any less intimidating, nor does the sight of the judges seated above the rest cease to faze him. there’s an added heaviness in the air tonight when he thinks about the eliminated duos of last week. no doubt everyone, including himself, is curious to find out who survived for a second shot at the competition. he still hopes it’s minhyun. if the universe it fair, it will be minhyun.

unlike last time, he and eunji will be performing near the end, which leaves a lot of duos to get through before it’s their turn onstage. sungwoon is muted, watching the performances with controlled interest. he cheers for his friends, of course; woojin’s performance is exciting, and kenta is a joy to watch as always. daniel and hyojin’s creativity and synergy leave him impressed. it’s obvious they’ve been working hard to show the best sides of themselves, and looking at their dedication, he doesn’t understand how people can question their intentions for being here. maybe he cheers extra hard out of spite, whether consciously or unconsciously.

when it’s their turn to take the stage, he turns to eunji and whispers, “good luck! just remember,” and here he grins, a mischievous glint in his eye as he croons, “summer lovin’, had me a blast.” sungwoon fails to hold back his laughter as he faces the ceos and bows before making their introductions—they decided to introduce themselves as simba and nala, though eunji did manage to talk sungwoon out of ending his introduction with a growl (probably for the better).

their performance isn’t as flashy as some of the others; it’s stripped down and bare. seated on two stools, they face each other for the duration of the song. everything else falls away from the first notes of their backing track. his brows furrow momentarily—it sounds a little different than usual?—but his expression smooths over a second later, figuring he must be imagining it. the song itself is beautiful, equal parts romantic and nostalgic. his pronunciation is flawless, their harmonies and ad libs weaving into the instrumental perfectly. they’re able to pour enough emotion into their voices and their expressions to sell the song to the audience—

and neither of them laugh. that’s a bonus.

sungwoon is beginning to enjoy himself. there’s an ease to singing with eunji. he trusts her to match where he’s going and feeds off the energy he’s giving back. the corners of his lips begin to curve up in a smile when it happens. the music stops. sungwoon’s head tilts, but when eunji powers through, he follows. malfunctions happen all the time, after all, and a true professional would finish the song, right? but his mouth snaps shut rather abruptly when he hears one of the ceos call for them to stop. confusion colors his face as he turns to hear hyunbin tersely informing them they’ve gone over their allotted two minutes.

oh.

understanding is slow dawning. sungwoon clumsily bows and apologies, a flush crawling up his neck. he’s eager to follow eunji off the stage and out of the spotlight, humiliation nipping at his heels. there’s only one explanation for their flub, and it’s one he wishes he’d come to figure out sooner—they’ve been practicing with the wrong cut of the song all week. god. how could they fail to follow the basic fucking instructions of the show?

by all rights, they’re seasoned performers. they should’ve taken care of this right at the beginning. they should’ve never made the mistake in the first place, not at this stage of the competition. his hands shake; he curls them into fists and avoids looking at the rest of empty enigma, letting out a shaky breath as they take their seats instead. “it’s not your fault,” he tells eunji hoarsely. it’s mine. “we’ll be fine,” he adds. they both know it’s a lie, of course, but he doesn’t want to vocalize the truth.

how could this happen? was he not paying enough attention? did he get complacent? did a part of him just cease to care and sabotage himself on purpose? the fact that sungwoon can’t find the answer makes him want to yell in frustration. he knows he’s better than this, and yet... maybe this just drives it home: he shouldn’t be here. it doesn’t matter what he wants or doesn’t want: he’s apparently incapable of the simplest of things.

(but eunji should be here, and in this moment, sungwoon feels like he’s nothing but a force of destruction).

#rkmga5 #rkmga5duos2 #( c: solo )#rkeunji #rkminhyun #rkdaniel #( wc: 2248 )#( ha............. )#( don't read this it's gross )

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rkxsungwoon-blog · 6 years ago

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☆ MGA5 EPISODE THREE ; JULY 11 #5008 HA SUNGWOON ; interview

once again, it feels like sungwoon barely has a chance to catch his breath after the performances before one of the mnet staff members call his name for the interviews. much like last week and the one before it, he’s ushered into prep first; the stylists on hand touch up his face and reapply the makeup that had worn off sometime during the day. they fix his carefully styled hair too (it’d gone awry during his stage with jaemin), and his favorite staff member is kind enough to compliment him on his new hair color.

sungwoon is quick to credit kenta for the success, since the last time he attempted purple was a disaster. with kenta’s help, he more or less managed to achieve the look he was going for. “no special reason for it,” he says, when the stylist teases him about wanting to look nice for a certain someone? she doesn’t believe him, but sungwoon insists that he just needed to change things up for one. “the certain someone didn’t even comment on it yet,” he adds in a stage whisper, before throwing the stylist a wink and a wave as he’s directed to the room for his post-performance interview.

it’s weird how normal this is starting to feel. the camera doesn’t faze him any longer, neither does the interviewer with her list of prepared questions. sungwoon greets her politely and asks how the cake recipe he gave her last week went over (well, apparently) before they get down to business. and business in this case means answering some difficult questions, as always, though sungwoon resolves to keep his answers brief this time.

what were your thoughts on last week’s results? did you feel the judges were being fair?

sungwoon taps his chin with a finger, deep in thought. for a predictable question, the answer to it is surprisingly hard to arrive at. “i think the eliminations made sense for the most part,” he begins slowly. “the judges’ criticisms seemed harsh, but ultimately, they know what they’re looking for. if you don’t manage to impress, then isn’t it better for them to rip the bandaid off early and let you know?”

privately, there are decisions sungwoon doesn’t agree with. moonbok’s departure, for one, still sits uneasily with him. joohyun’s elimination is a deeper, personal hurt, but one he can see the reason in even if he doesn’t like it. at the end of the day, he feels like trying to predict the judges’ decisions is a futile exercise, but trying to argue them is even more so. the best any of them can do is live with their pronouncements and do the best with what’s left.

“oh, but the top three in each category were well deserved, in my opinion. mason’s win—“ he pauses and tilts his head to the side. “can we call it that? but him being named the best rapper was no surprise. yeji has always stood out as a good dancer, so i wasn’t shocked at her being named the best in her skill either. and i’m a fan of heejin’s voice and the versatility she showed as a performer last week, so i’d have to agree with her as the best of the singers too.”

he’d hoped to hear his own name within the top three, but the fact that he didn’t only means sungwoon needs to try harder to improve and stand out. he takes it as a criticism, a note for future improvement. disappointment is an emotion only worth indulging in when you can channel it into something productive, and for sungwoon, it drives him to hone his skills further.

“and…” the elephant in the room, maybe. he made a personal vow to talk less about empty enigma during his interviews, but this seems too important not to mention. “i was relieved daniel’s gambit paid off. i thought switching from singing to rap was a risky move, but he knew what he was doing. i’m happy we get to stay in this competition together for a while longer.”

when you heard the challenge this week involved duos, was there anyone you immediately wanted to work with?

“oh man, a couple of people.” rubbing the back of his neck, sungwoon attempts to keep it brief. “obviously, i really wanted to work with minhyun or daniel. we have experience performing together and we’re attuned to one another. it’s easier to plan a stage like this when you’re used to sharing ideas and are mostly on the same wavelength.” working with either of them would’ve allowed sungwoon to skip the awkward ‘getting used to each other’ part of the week and jump straight into things.

“for vocalists, i think heejin or yuri would’ve been my choices to work with; both have voices i personally like a lot, so getting the chance to sing with them would’ve been great.” jeonghan would’ve been another one of his choices based on skill alone, but the man himself is… not empty enigma’s biggest fan—at least, that’s the impression sungwoon gets. “as for rappers, i think everyone wants to work with mason?” if not for skill, then for the screentime alone. “but changbin or sakura would’ve been my other picks. i feel like we could’ve pulled together a good performance.” he neglects to mention any dancers since sungwoon doesn’t even know how that collaboration would pan out.

your assigned duo partner was na jaemin, however. how was it like working with him?

how honest is too honest? as much as sungwoon wants to claim things fell into place perfectly from the beginning, he knows it isn’t true, and it feels like diminishing all the hard work they put into their performance to pretend like they didn’t struggle. “i only vaguely knew of jaemin in previous rounds,” he admits finally. “and when our pairing was first announced, i was pretty anxious. i didn’t know if we’d be able to work well or not. and admittedly, some of my fears were valid—i mean, we definitely clashed in the beginning. we both have strong opinions when it comes to music and we’re stubborn enough not to back down when we feel passionately about something. so that much was… new, and something we had to work through fast.”

he pauses and bites his lip before continuing. “i think it’s a good thing to have a partner who cares as much about putting together a good performance as you do. with jaemin, i never doubted his commitment or his drive for a second. we worked out our misunderstandings pretty quickly, and from then on, it was all about our stage. he did the arrangement on top of working on the rap, you know? and not only is he just that good, but i’ve also witnessed firsthand how he never settles and strives to reach perfection. that’s amazing.”

his cheeks turn pink; sungwoon is gushing, but he wants to express his admiration for his partner as clearly as possible. “i’m proud to have shared a stage with him,” he finishes. “and he’s officially one of my top picks in this competition now. if you have taste and want to support talent, make na jaemin one of your top picks too!”

how do you think you did today?

sungwoon isn’t sure how he did, to be honest. when he was on stage, he felt like he had the world at his fingertips. off stage, the doubts began creeping in a lot earlier than they normally do. maybe because his and jaemin’s survival both hinge on their performance. if they’re lacking in any way, they’ll both be punished for it. and as the hyung in this partnership, sungwoon is required to take responsibility for their failures. “we had fun on stage, and that’s really all i can say,” he grins, ignoring the churning in his stomach. “i hope for jaemin’s sake that our intent came across in our performance. he’s a talented kid who has much more to show.”

were there any performances you liked?

“i thought jinyoung and jeonghan did very well,” sungwoon responds. the song they performed was one of his favourites, and their chemistry onstage was one of the best of the day. “sia and vernon were cute together as well. oh, and sakura and ryujin had a exciting performance, in my opinion.” he wants to mentioned heejin & daniel’s band remix, or the way kenta and taeyang absolutely killed it with their stage, but sungwoon’s working on sounding less biased.

were there any performances you didn’t like?

“unfortunately, i don’t think hyejoo and youngjae’s performance was to my taste.” sungwoon commends the effort, but it wasn’t a stage he cared for in particular. it comes down to some questionable decisions on their part for him, but he’s sure with a different song choice and stage, they would’ve done perfectly fine. “but overall, i thought the caliber of performances was pretty high this week.”

which duo do you think complemented each other the most?

“wouldn’t that be suwoong and yukhei?” he says immediately, the duo in question popping into his mind as soon as the interviewer finishes speaking. “they have similar… vibes? energy? i think they match each other really well!” they genuinely seemed to like each other, which is always nice to see. “aside from that, i thought jinyoung and jeonghan were a partnership that ended up making a ton of sense, like i could see them as an actual act. yeji and junhee were also a powerful, appropriately-matched duo.”

was there anyone you think that brought their partner down?

“i don’t think that’s for me to say.” without knowing what goes on behind the scenes in any partnership, sungwoon is reluctant to comment. “but i will say that mason and nakyung were… unexpected? not necessarily in a bad way; i just didn’t expect to see them paired together.” he’ll leave it at that for now.

is there anyone you are certain will move onto the next phase of the mgas?

“last week’s psychic predictions did really well, so i bought myself a lottery ticket on my way home.” sungwoon chuckles as he thinks (with some pride) how his picks all moved on in the competition. “oh, but i didn’t win the lottery though, so i’m not quite on that level yet.” it gets tougher and tougher to be certain about who will advance with every week, and even his self-proclaimed sixth sense/third eye won’t give him any hints. sungwoon feels like his picks are a shot in the dark. “daniel and heejin,” he says finally. “heejin was named best singer last week, and she and daniel did a unique arrangement, so i would be… surprised if they didn’t immediately advance.”

is there anyone you are certain will be eliminated today?

i just hope it’s not us, he wants to say. instead, sungwoon shrugs. “anything can happen in this point of the competition.”

with that, sungwoon thanks the interviewer and the cameraman for their time before returning to his seat. not for the first time, he wishes he could reach over and grasp one of his friends’ hands so they can ride out the upcoming eliminations together but—

nothing like a duo round to drive home the fact that ultimately, sungwoon’s fighting alone here.

#rkmga5 #rkmga5duos #( c: solo )#( wc: 1881 )#( +2 chr )#( I didn't think I would manage to get this out tbh but I DID )#( mentioned a lot of people but I can't tag rn I'm sorry )

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rkxsungwoon-blog · 6 years ago

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☆ MGA5 EPISODE THREE; JULY 11 #5008 HA SUNGWOON ; FT. NA JAEMIN ( duos ) performance: easy by wheein ft. sik-k ( rearranged ) ( 0:07 - 2:07 ) ; line distribution

he’d never precisely forgotten how nerve-wracking waiting for the results of each round of the mgas could be, but sungwoon is still surprised by the sheer depth of his anxiety as they await the judges’ pronouncements. too much is at stake; he’s worrying for four peoples’ survival instead of just two. maybe he’s doomed to feel this twisted up and scared for as long as the rest of his friends are in this competition alongside him, but he’s willing to endure it if it means they can stick together for a while longer.

though idly, sungwoon wonders if it would be easier if he were eliminated and watching the episode air in the comfort of his home. would he feel this nervous, this jittery as the ceos announce names—some of them familiar, some not—of those who won’t continue on in each category? would he feel sick looking at the faces of those who’ll be leaving today, guilt threatening to eat him up because he made it when they didn’t? would that be better?

(his heart says no, he’s meant to be here).

beneath mild disappointment that none of empty enigma placed in the top 3 of their individual skill categories is immense relief that neither were they bad enough to be cut at this stage in the competition. daniel’s survival is the most important of them all. despite his early switch from singing to rapping, sungwoon couldn’t shake the worry that this might be it—but it’s the switch that saved him, in all likelihood. sungwoon commends daniel for realizing he’d have a better chance at making it through doing something he was confident in, as opposed to the very skill that got him eliminated last time.

joohyun’s elimination hurts, even if it’s not entirely unexpected. the stumble was costly, and though sungwoon doesn’t like it, the judges’ assessment is fair. he just hopes she isn’t taking it too badly. it’s sobering to realize that the previous season’s contestants are beginning to drop one by one as well; he wonders if it’s a matter of overall skills not being up to par or just a lack of improvement. or is it simpler still—a lack of star power? sungwoon can’t tell, and that worries him.

but with the announcement of the next episode’s mission, he’s forced to switch gears. duos, he thinks, squaring his shoulders. different from last year, sure, but not bad. he can work with duos. part of him can’t help but hope that he gets paired with one of his friends, but that would be… vastly unfair. woojin and kenta deserve better than his dance skills, but sungwoon thinks he could do something exciting with minhyun or daniel. they’ve worked together enough that sungwoon trusts them.

of course, the universe isn’t that kind. sungwoon gets paired with na jaemin instead. he knows very little about the kid himself—and he is a kid, as if sungwoon wasn’t feeling old enough in this competition already—or what he’s capable of, though he remembers jaemin performing an original song he enjoyed. their introduction is a bit awkward and formal, but they eventually settle on a time and place to meet the next day to plan their performance without much trouble.

sungwoon doesn’t know what to expect out of their partnership, but he hopes at the very least, they’ll pull together a performance to be proud of.

the awkwardness persists.

jaemin has a makeshift studio they can practice in, which sungwoon is grateful for. he’d offer the empty enigma practice space were it not for the possibility one of the others might be using it as well. it hits him for the first time that—well, he’s competing against his friends, that whatever he and jaemin put together is a secret only the two of them should be privy to. anyone else discovering what they’re planning to perform could give them a potential edge in the competition—or at the very least, screw sungwoon and jaemin over.

(sungwoon trusts his friends would not resort to sabotage. he does. but he’s also competitive as fuck—there’s no we in a competition).

so he heads to the address jaemin provided after his shift at the pastry shop is over, armed with a box of leftover goodies, also known as whatever they didn’t sell that sungwoon could rescue from his coworkers’ clutches. he’s hoping the food will break the ice somewhat between them. who doesn’t love a good pastry? but he figures out soon enough that expecting a couple of (admittedly delicious) fruit tarts to set the stage for them to work well together is being overly optimistic.

jaemin isn’t rude or arrogant or a dozen other horror stories wrapped up in a deceptively benign package. he’s just a little on the quiet side. sungwoon can manage quiet—he’s lived with woojin for long enough that he knows how to curb his own exuberance to match the energy. however, jaemin also doesn’t fuck around when it comes to music. their first argument (professional disagreement?) happens because of their wildly opposing opinions, and neither jaemin nor sungwoon are willing to back down.

stubbornness runs through sungwoon’s veins in spades, sure. he’s less used to dealing with it in other people. while they eventually compromise and come to an agreement regarding their performance, sungwoon ends up under the impression that jaemin hates him for the first couple of days of the week.

and—truthfully, sungwoon isn’t the easiest person to work with either. he knows from the album prep that he can be a bit much, but it comes from a place of passion. jaemin is the same way; sungwoon can see it in his eyes when they practice together, and in the care he takes while working on the arrangement for their song. it’s admirable, and recognizing that jaemin cares just as much as he does finally bridges the gap between them and puts them on the same page.

jaemin is a good musician in every sense of the word. sungwoon wishes he had even half of his talent. he may not know a lot about rap, but even he can tell jaemin is skilled. and when it comes to rearrangements and remixes of songs, sungwoon can see how much thought and effort he puts into every single one. it’s not mindless playing around for him. the fact that jaemin is just as invested in perfecting their performance as he is gives sungwoon hope for the round.

they keep in close contact until filming, practicing together every single day. jaemin sends him snippets of revisions he’s made to their arrangement constantly, sometimes tiny things sungwoon can only hear after putting all his focus into listening, but every bit of it is important in ensuring they’re prepared for d-day.

by the end of it, sungwoon is, to his surprise, pleased to have been paired with jaemin in the end. the experience may not have been smooth sailing all around, but he feels like he’s learned a lot from his partner in the short time they’ve worked together. they’ve reached a good point, not only in their teamwork but in their performance as well, and he prays their synergy will shine through on stage.

seats are assigned for the day’s filming. sungwoon is both relieved and disappointed; he was hoping to sit with his friends and feels a little lost at the idea of not being able to lean over to whisper his comments into their ears or slip his hand in one of theirs when the nerves get too bad. but—at least he’s away from the distracting presence of those around him in the last round.

minhyun is still near enough that sungwoon throws him a quick smile as he takes his seat next to jaemin and surreptitiously wipes his clammy palms on the underneath his thighs. “nervous?” he asks, attempting to look unconcerned. it comes out as more of a grimace instead, but jaemin seems alright in sungwoon’s eyes.

it’s… odd to think how unused to singing with other people he still is. how unused to sharing the spotlight he is. squall is larger than life by necessity; he eats up the stage by himself. sungwoon is not an explosive, expanding, all consuming star. he wants to be someone who enhances others, who shares his glow rather than devouring everything in sight. but jaemin is a star on his own, and they’ve worked so hard this past week to ensure they work in tandem and not against each other. sungwoon has to believe they’ll perform equally as well today.

the competition is fierce this round. they’re sixth to perform, but the people before them pull off some truly spectacular stages that have sungwoon applauding hard enough to turn his palms red. when it’s finally their turn to get up there, he gives jaemin a double thumbs up and a smile brimming with confidence he doesn’t fully possess. “let’s get it done!” sungwoon chirps. it’s their time to shine.

they’d decided to coordinate their outfits for the performance because appearances matter, and they stand together as a polished duo up on stage. their introduction is similarly polished and cheerful—“we’re your lucky stars, sungwoon and jaemin!” as sungwoon goes on to explain, “jaemin is the brains of our team, which makes me the brawn.” a grin dances on his lips as he lifts one arm and flexes (well, makes an attempt) to punctuate his sentence. “brawn-to-be, i guess.” letting his arm fall back to his side, he continues. “we’ll be performing easy by wheein—but with our own spin, courtesy of jaemin. we hope you enjoy!”

sungwoon emphatically believes in giving credit where it’s due, and jaemin deserves that much even though it’s cumbersome to say. he gives the younger boy and encouraging smile as they take their places and the first notes of their pre-recorded acoustic rearrangement fill the stage.

sungwoon raises the mic to his lips and vocalizes for the first part, letting the vibe of the song flow through him. it’s a little more playful than his usual fare, almost cheeky in its lightheartedness. the words are both meant to be taken seriously and yet not at the same time; he feels like it’s meant to be an admonition, though not a stern one. it’s like when you try to tell someone something important but so so with a smile or a just kidding! at the end, as if naked, frank honesty is terrifying. and it is, most of the time.

넌 다른 생각할 때 그 표정이 너무 뻔해 난 다 알 수가 있어 it’s not an ordinary day

눈치가 빠르지 않더라도 넌 너무 알기 쉽게 보여주니 잔인하네

날 긴장하게 만드는 예민함도 가슴을 찌르는 너의 솔직함도 왜 내게만 해당 돼 it’s too unfair

initially, he was a little unsure about singing a song originally meant for a female vocalist, but sungwoon knows he won’t get anywhere without taking some sort of a risk. but they’ve rearranged it into a male key, though it’s still not entirely easy to sing. sungwoon is confident enough in his abilities that he’s not scared of attempting it by any means. he knows he can pull it off.

i’m not easy 난 그런 거 싫어해 좋게 맞춰준 거지 널 더 좋아한 거지 이미 내 마음도 변해가네 너에게 가둬둔 날 꺼내 벗어날래

he makes eye contact with jaemin as he sings, naturally turning towards him during the chorus, taking the opportunity to ad lib some high notes and dip into his falsetto as the occasion arises. they play well off each other, their synergy coming across in the ease with which sungwoon gives way to jaemin’s rap verse following the chorus—he sings it’s not easy right at the judges, then shifts to let jaemin have his turn in the spotlight.

too late too late you’re so stupid stupid no way no way it’s not easy

sungwoon’s head bops along to jaemin’s verse. his delivery is smooth and works well with the song; neither of them overpower the other during their parts. most importantly, in his opinion, they’re having fun performing together. the whole song is a labour of love, from their rocky beginnings to their comfort with each other now. he wants to show that progress, that growth from nothing into the duo they are now. he feels like he and jaemin have been performing together for longer than merely a week; they navigate the stage well together, their energies matching, and their facial expressions on point as they interact with and react to one another up there.

i’m not easy 난 그런 거 싫어해 좋게 맞춰준 거지 널 더 좋아한 거지 이미 내 마음도 변해가네 너에게 가둬둔 날 꺼내 벗어날래

it falls to sungwoon to end the song with a refrain of the chorus. it’s his final chance to demonstrate his skills, so he builds up into a powerful high note before softening his voice, almost trailing off on the last line so his voice fades out along with the notes of the song. in that moment, he hopes more than anything that both he and jaemin survive this round. sungwoon isn’t sure anymore about who deserves to survive and who doesn’t—not after last week—but what he wants is for them move forward. he doesn’t want to be the reason jaemin’s mga dreams come to a premature end.

because it’s sink or swim together—and sungwoon will doggy paddle to the shore with jaemin in tow if he has to.

once they’re off the stage, sungwoon pulls jaemin into a one armed hug. “it’s been great working with you,” he says sincerely, his voice hoarse with the effort of keeping his emotions at bay. “and if we don’t—uh, no. we will pull through.” if he says it out loud enough, maybe he’ll even convince himself of it. "i just wanted to say that you’re my rapper one-pick from now on,” he continues. "and i hope we get the chance to perform again together. let's meet in the finale, yeah?"

sungwoon's still dreaming big, but he takes comfort in the knowledge that jaemin has the skills to make it. and if nothing else, he's glad he got the opportunity to learn that much.

#rkmga5 #rkmga5duos #( c: solo )#( wc: 2365 )#rkjaemin #rkminhyun #( wrote this while out of town which is why it's a mess )#( pls forgive )

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rkxsungwoon-blog · 6 years ago

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Ha Sungwoon • BLUE (2019) ♡

#( v: sungwoon )#( STREAM BLUE!!! )

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rkxsungwoon-blog · 6 years ago

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☆ MGA5 EPISODE TWO ; JULY 4 #5008 HA SUNGWOON ; interview

much like the last episode, the ceos retire to discuss the results of the performances while the contestants are ushered one by one into private rooms to be interviewed on the day’s events. sungwoon wonders if this will become a staple from now on. if so… he’s not entirely sure how to feel—the interviews broadcasted last week were interesting, to say the least. he supposes it adds some excitement to the broadcast along with giving viewers a glimpse into the personalities of the contestants. it also feels like russian roulette, like the producers are waiting for someone to inevitably say something damaging during their interviews and metaphorically shoot themselves in the foot.

but maybe the moment of reflection is a good thing too. sungwoon appreciates getting the chance to reorient, to breathe and consider the day’s events and performances in one go. he never truly struggles to answer, so his complaints are probably less valid than most. rather than being truly worried, he’s eager to get this over with and get to the results.

when his name is called, sungwoon rises and gives his friends a double thumbs up before following the staff to the interview room. a quick touch up of his hair and makeup later, he’s seated in a familiar chair in front of the interviewer in a set-up not much different from last week. he greets the interviewer with a smile and makes some idle small talk about the weather and how their day is going so far until the cameraman indicates it’s time to begin.

showtime.

so, welcome back, sungwoon. you’ve managed to survive the first cut, but what did you think of the results last week otherwise?

ah. he expected this one. cutting fifty people from the competition at one time is a lot. of course they’d be asked about it. “i didn’t expect there to be quite as many eliminations from the beginning, so it was a little nerve-wracking, to be honest.” sungwoon is grateful his friends survived alongside him, but admitting as much might sound like rubbing salt in the wounds of people who were separated from their friends.

he decides to keep it neutral. “all my predictions for who would make it to the next round came true, though! well, except one.” poor chan. sungwoon really thought he was good, but his opinion doesn’t count for much when it comes to rap. “i guess that disqualifies me as a psychic? unless i make sure to include a disclaimer that there’s a 16% error margin on all predictions?” he laughs, embarrassed as he realizes his mental math might be a little off. “actually, don’t fact check me on that number.” math isn’t his strong suit, but he refuses to be make a fool of himself over numbers on national tv.

shaking his head slightly, he taps his fingers against his knee in thought. “it was disappointing to see so many talented people go home,” sungwoon adds slowly. “but it’s a competition and, well, i have to believe the ceos made the decisions they did for a reason.” they clearly know what they’re doing, and it’s not for him to question them yet.

how did you feel when you realized you were through to the next round?

“i was relieved, mostly,” sungwoon admits readily. a sigh escapes his lips as he thinks back to the moment his name was called—he’d felt weak and weightless at the same time, even more so when the others made it through safely. sungwoon would like to say he never had any doubts, but that isn’t entirely true. there’s always room for doubt. “i would’ve been mortified to get eliminated so early in the competition.” honestly, he’d be equally mortified to get eliminated now, but it feels unnecessary to add that into his answer. “it also felt right, you know?” he continues with a sheepish smile. “i felt acknowledged by the judges, and that went a long way towards boosting my confidence for today’s performance!”

many people have expressed concern about the number of previous mga contestants participating in this season. as one of the people highlighted as a former contestant during the episode, how does the backlash make you feel?

well, this is one he didn’t expect. of course sungwoon is aware of the backlash—the previous episode literally broadcast one of the contestants’ thoughts on the subject, and the netizens seem united in the opinion that this year has too many old faces. and as one of the old faces, his opinion on the subject should be pretty clear: it sucks, and he doesn’t agree that just because they’ve been on the show before, they have no place on it now. he’s not sure why the interviewers would ask this, unless they’re hoping he gives them something juicy to air? sungwoon is determined to avoid that trap, to think carefully over his response before he gives it.

honesty is the best way to play this, in his opinion. “it’s not the greatest, i’ll admit.” wringing his hands together, he shoots the interviewer a distracted, what can you do, kind of smile before raking his fingers through his hair. “i think it’s disingenuous to act like being on the show one year means we can never come back or to claim we’ve used up our one and only chance. it’s not like we stopped dreaming just because it didn’t work out the first time.” for many, including sungwoon, participating in the mgas increased his desire to stand up on stage.

“i also believe people might be under the impression that we’ve had tons of opportunities for success following the show last year?” being on tv might’ve brought a little bit of localized fame for a brief period of time last year, but all that is gone now, leaving old contestants as forgotten relics of a different time. “but i can tell you that’s not really true—personally, at least. no companies were looking to sign me, and i didn’t have any other prospects.” a bitter pill to swallow, but there it is! he chuckles and rubs the back of his neck. “compared to a lot of other competitions, the mgas are accessible, so yeah, i gave them a shot again, but because this might be the only way i ever make it. i’m sure others feel the same way.”

god, he said a lot more than he intended to. sungwoon takes a deep breath and shakes his head, forcing a smile he hopes looks natural. “if the new contestants are worried about facing the old ones, well, a little healthy competition never hurt anyone, right?”

i see. moving on, how do you think you did this week?

“like i said, i’m never satisfied.” he feels like this will be a familiar refrain if this question continues to come up again, but it continues to be true. he needs the persistent buzz under his skin, the nagging voice that tells him he can do better. it drives sungwoon to improve, and that’s worth the temporary discomfort. still, his feelings towards today’s stage is largely positive overall. “i know my performance wasn’t as exciting as some of the others. that’s always the risk when you do a ballad, right?” sungwoon was well aware of it from the beginning. “and for once i didn’t play an instrument. that was nerve-wracking, let me tell you.”

he straightens up in his seat. “but i wanted the focus to be on my voice today.” no bells and whistles, just sungwoon showing the judges what he’s capable of. “so i chose to sing a korean song, one that ended up becoming pretty personal for me. i think… i did all i could up on the stage, and i hope it resonated with everyone who listened. that’s all i can really ask for.”

who do you think is the best under each skill?

oh, now that’s an interesting question. sungwoon wouldn’t have been able to answer it last week due to the sheer number of people performing, but after watching the episode and sitting through today’s stages, sungwoon is in a better position to judge the rest of the contestants. the interviewer catches the grin spreading across his face and asks him if he’s thinking of naming himself, to which sungwoon responds “oh, no. no,” with a laugh. he wouldn’t dream of it. “i’ll try not to name only empty enigma members either, but you can’t blame me if a few slip in.”

for singers… sungwoon feels like quite a few of them are strong. this is the only category he feels qualified to talk about at length, in any case. “i think heejin is a strong singer, maybe the strongest in the competition. i enjoy her vocal color, and i think her voice is powerful. she has a strong stage presence too, so i definitely think she’s someone to watch for.” he wants to mention a few other singers as well, but he’s determined to keep his picks to one each this time. or… maybe two. two picks, maximum. “hyojin too! he sang one of my favorite day6 songs, and his range is insane. i can’t wait to hear more from him.”

dancers are harder to comment on; sungwoon doesn’t know enough (or feels confident enough) to choose the best in this category. “uh, i think i’m only qualified to talk about who i liked the best, so take all this with a grain of salt.” he probably shouldn’t say park woojin, but the first name that comes out of his mouth is—”park woojin, for sure. though to be clear, i would pick him even if we weren’t friends. his performance was powerful and captivating—i think he’s easily the best dancer here.” he wants to mention kenta as well, but he doesn’t want to come off as too biased either. “i also think yugyeom is a good dancer. i don’t know how i feel about him in general, but i won’t deny talent when i see it.”

rappers are possibly harder to talk about than dancers, so sungwoon takes his time running through the list of performances before answering. “i think the number of female rappers in the competition this year are pretty cool, so i’d have to pick one of them. sakura, maybe? i was surprised by her performance, but in a good way.” his second choice is so obvious, sungwoon wonders if he even has to state it out loud. “and mason, obviously. he’s a good rapper, maybe one of the best, but that’s a given.”

were there any performances you liked?

sungwoon hates questions like these, mostly because he never has enough time to mention everyone he wants to. just saying ‘all of them’ would save a lot of time, but he’s pretty sure that isn’t allowed. also, it’s not truthful either. there are performances he definitely didn’t enjoy. the question is about ones he did, however, and sungwoon runs through the ones he remembers well enough in his mind before blurting out the first one that stayed with him. “daniel’s!” wait, that really isn’t going to help him sound less biased. his face warms and he scratches his cheek while rushing to gather his thoughts. “okay, honestly. i know he’s not the best of the rappers, but he wrote his own rap and the lyrical content was straight fire. his performance had me hyped up. how can i not mention it?”

aside from daniel, there are a few others he wants to mention. “eunji’s dance was… i know i mentioned her last week as a talented singer, but she’s a phenomenal dancer as well. her performance was really powerful and compelling. park jinyoung—i liked his voice, and i thought his song choice was very appropriate for his tone. personally, he’s one to watch for me as well.” pausing, sungwoon leans back in his chair and rubs his chin in thought. “yeji? i thought she did a great job too—really, a lot of the girls have been killing it this year. i wish i could mention them all because they deserve it.”

were there any you didn’t like?

“guys, seriously,” he laughs, letting his arms fall to his sides. “have people answered this?” how many have taken the bait and actually said something negative about their fellow contestants? the interviewer won’t answer that for him, so sungwoon is left wondering when he should bite or not. maybe he should, but gently? “there were a couple of performances i was let down by,” he admits. “kyungsoo, for one. i really enjoy his voice, but i wasn’t sold on his song choice, so i think that colored my opinion of his performance.” toxic isn’t a choice he’d make personally, and while he respects it, sungwoon isn’t sure it’s appropriate for this stage of the competition. “i also enjoyed suwoong’s performance last week, but not as much this week… i don’t know, i think he could’ve taken it a bit more seriously?” sungwoon shrugs. “they’re both good performers; just not my cup of tea.”

is there anyone you are certain will move onto the next phase of the mgas?

“is it time for sungwoon the psychic’s predictions again?” he taps his forehead, thought he’s… not exactly sure why. “uh, well, i think everyone i mentioned as the best of their categories will go through. special shout out to mason, because he’s going all the way to the finale! mark my words.” he doesn’t know if he has any solid picks outside of those. “yuri? she has a powerful voice and the necessary star power.” hm, maybe that’s all? no, wait, he remembers one of the dancers leaving an impression and struggles to pronounce her name properly. “jieqiong? she’s pretty and talented; i would expect her to go through.” sungwoon figures he’d better stop there—or he’ll end up naming half the contestants in the competition. “let’s see how many of these work out! remember, 16% error rate!”

is there anyone you are certain will be eliminated today?

“my third eye broke; i can’t answer that,” sungwoon says, completely straight faced. several moments pass before his expression cracks into a distant smile. “no, seriously—i’m not sure what criteria the judges are basing their assessments on, so i can’t answer. you’d think it would be straightforward, but someone who’s average in a skill can get far based on their sheer charisma and stage presence, right? so i think it could be anyone’s game.” he won’t speculate further; it’s not his place. and he’s worried that if he does start to consider who might be eliminated, a few familiar names could potentially pop into mind.

that’s all for now. thank you!

“thank you! you’ve worked hard.” sungwoon rises and bows to the interviewer and the staff before returning to his seat. he steals a bottle of water from one of the empty enigma members and polishes it off with a cheeky smile. “i need this, guys. i talked a lot,” he complains when they ask. when do you not? someone answers, and sungwoon glares at them playfully before promising to buy another bottle during their break. it’s much easier to stick to smiles and lighthearted conversation before eliminations, and sungwoon does his best to keep the atmosphere cheery.

it’s all he can do for them right now.

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rkxsungwoon-blog · 6 years ago

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☆ MGA5 EPISODE TWO ; JULY 4 #5008 HA SUNGWOON ; skills performance ( singer ) performance: sorry (고백) by yang dail (양다일) ( 1:10 - 2:10, 2:20 - 3:15 )

perhaps one of the only perks of being a ha in this competition is that sungwoon’s survival is confirmed fairly early on. exhaling, he stumbles over a breath he didn’t realize he was holding and sags against kenta in relief, his fingers automatically scrambling to grip someone’s hand but finding purchase only in the fabric of kenta’s shirt. palms slick with sweat, he can only offer kenta a silent promise to take care of his laundry later while holding on for dear life.

sungwoon closes his eyes and waits until minhyun’s name is called, then daniel’s, then woojin’s and even kenta’s before his face splits into a wide grin. is he allowed to feel relieved that he still has a future on this show? that they call do? that empty enigma survived the proverbial axe-blow? letting out a triumphant whoop, he tries to drape his arms over as many of their shoulders as he can (which is not many, admittedly, but he makes the attempt) and pulls them close. “we’re through!”

he doesn’t know if it’s fate or the universe or just the force of their skill that ensured their survival, but he’s grateful they can continue on this journey together for a little longer. he feels like he’s getting greedier with each hurdle they cross—let them get through just this round, just next week, just till the end of the show—but sungwoon has never fully learned to curb his ambitions. with each victory, he allows himself to dream a little bigger and bolder, envisioning a future in which all of empty enigma—

win? but they can’t. last year had two winners, which seemed like enough of a stretch. at the end of the day, this is a competition, and his beloved friends are his rivals. as if to drive the point home, the next challenge is one of skills: contestants are grouped together by their main talent, with eliminations slated to take place at the end. naturally, singers make up the largest category, with dancers following after, then rappers. conversely, this means the largest number of people eliminated will come from the singers, and sungwoon is not cocky enough in his own abilities to believe he doesn’t have to worry about his own position.

minhyun and daniel are singers too, and while sungwoon is grudgingly impressed by minhyun’s skills, he can’t say the same for daniel. as much as he loves daniel as a performer, sungwoon is aware just about everyone else in their group is a better singer than him. he can name five or six more skilled than himself, and he feels… dread settle in his stomach at the thought of daniel ending up near the bottom of the list. at the thought of, perhaps, him or minhyun making it through without daniel. sungwoon is less worried about woojin and kenta; woojin has an amazing talent for dance, and kenta… he believes in kenta with his whole heart and prays it’ll be enough.

he doesn’t want to compete against empty enigma yet, not one-on-one in such a cutthroat atmosphere, but part of sungwoon wants to embrace the challenge head-on; it was the skills performance which sent him home last time, when he’d been assigned to dance when all he wanted was to sing. this is his chance at redemption, and yet… he casts his gaze over his friends, his eyebrows drawn together in concern. not at their expense.

“i’m switching to rap,” sungwoon announces, climbing to his feet. it’s a snap decision, more of a joke than anything else, but in his heart of hearts, he wishes he could just so he wouldn’t have to compete against his friends. the rap category is the only one an empty enigma member doesn’t already have a claim to. one of the people sitting around them snarkily asks if he can even rap, and since sungwoon is committed, he asks someone to drop a beat for him. he does a small lap while pumping up the crowd before launching into an ill-thought out, terrible, no-good freestyle.

my name is ha sungwoon i never sing out of tune you will cheer for me soon and then i’ll fly off to the moon

by the end of it, those who aren’t laughing are looking at him with a dumbfounded expression. “it’s just a joke, guys. don’t worry,” he says reassuringly. “trc won’t be picking me up any time soon.” sungwoon only intended for his performance to ease some of the tension around them, but then daniel announces he’s actually switching to rap. and all sungwoon can really think is, why, because he knows daniel has some experience with the skill, though surely not enough to be confident in for this stage of the competition? but daniel reminds sungwoon of the last time it was only his voice up on that stage, and sungwoon’s expression immediately clears in understanding. “you know what you’re doing,” he says, giving daniel’s shoulder a squeeze.

he still has some reservations, but sungwoon trusts daniel; only he knows what’s best for himself. besides, sungwoon has enough to worry about on his own.

this is where it all becomes real.

sitting through the first episode is excruciating, mostly because sungwoon cringes every time his face pops up on screen. of course they highlighted his height again, and of course his little stumble with his keyboard aired. he supposes he shouldn’t complain; his edit wasn’t malicious. mnet can (and has) done worse. at the end of it, he’s exhausted all over again, but it does give him more of an idea who to watch for—and who to worry about. keep your rivals close, as they say. or at the very least, stay informed. sungwoon refuses to be caught off guard.

his phone blows up with messages after the episode—most a variation of jokes on his height again (hyung, you grew .5 cm? ㅋㅋㅋ) or expressing shock over the fact that he’s in a band (empty enigma?? lol what kind of a name is that?). his sister calls to profess her love for minhyun and sungwoon yells NO ANYONE BUT HIM (and variations thereof) into his phone for a solid eight minutes before she sighs and tells him the heart wants what the heart wants.

one of his friends just sends him a quote: ‘the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result’. sungwoon is confused and annoyed enough to call him immediately and ask what the fuck he’s on about. “do you really think anything will change this year?” his friend asks. “shit, dude, you’re doing this hellish show again and for what?”

“all of empty enigma is on it this time,” sungwoon says, throat dry. “i’m doing this for them. us. it’s not—”

his friend is quiet or a long time. “it’s okay to say you want it too, you know? you don’t always have to hide behind other people. it’s alright to admit you just want—to win, or to get a contract. whatever.” when sungwoon doesn’t answer, he sighs. “good luck, though. hope it works out.” the distinct click of the call ending fills his ear, but sungwoon doesn’t move for a long time.

he hasn’t—well. he hasn’t thought about winning in those terms. with four other peoples’ survival hanging on the line, sungwoon doesn’t have the luxury to entertain thoughts of winning. his natural competitive edge wants to accept nothing less, but winning (or even placing high enough to receive something) comes with caveats he can’t afford to think about yet. empty enigma is a unit, or have been operating as one so far, but as this stage (and every stage from now on) has been driving home, they can’t be one forever. sooner or later, they’ll be pulled apart. sooner or later, one of them won’t make it through. and that day could come as quickly as thursday.

a full body shudder runs through him at the thought. not yet, sungwoon thinks desperately. he’s playing with fire by making so many demands of the universe, but what else does he have? not yet. we’ve got a ways to go before i’m ready to say goodbye.

woojin and kenta are often absent during the week, busy preparing for their performances elsewhere. it makes sense; as dancers, they need a different kind of environment to practice in. thankfully, the acoustics aren’t bad in their sharehouse, so sungwoon and minhyun can more or less manage here. daniel comes over during the week to hang out, though he’s secretive about his own performance. sungwoon guesses he wants to keep it a secret (daniel seems to be writing his own rap) so he tries not to pry too much. the curiosity really is killing him, however, along with the anxiety. but the snippets he manages to catch aren’t that bad, and they go a long way in smoothing over some of his worries.

his own performance is, in some ways, equally as complicated to settle on as the previous round. sungwoon hoped it would get easier, but his tendency to overthink always comes back to bite him in the ass. this time is no different. after two rounds of songs in english, he knows he wants to sing something in korean, but the question still remains: what, exactly, is fitting for a performance of skill?

sungwoon’s mind wanders to their album tracklist again, or any of the songs buried in his laptop—the ugly children that didn’t quite make the cut. he wants to sing his own music up on the stage. he didn’t realize how strong the desire was until he heard daniel perform his own song last round, and then joohyun sing for empty enigma. he too wants to stand up there and say, this is something i created. this is my work. this is something only i can sing.

as always, he calls his sister for advice. sunyoung is opinionated and drawn in easily by a pretty face, but she knows how survival shows work and is surprisingly shrewd for a thirteen year old with no musical talent whatsoever. sungwoon trusts her opinions. but once he tells her he’s considering singing an empty enigma song, it’s her turn to drown his eardrums out with a shrill NO! “oppa! your image!” when sungwoon doesn’t get it, she explains long-sufferingly, as if it should be obvious, “you just revealed you’re in some super weird band! you can’t get up on stage and sing your angry music. you’re going to alienate people.”

“since when were you using big words?” she may have a point. “but that’s my music, you know? i… we all worked hard on it, and i want to—”

“mom and dad watched episode one,” sunyoung cuts in, and for a split second, sungwoon sees—red and blue and pitch black in a sequence, his breath catching in his chest. this has to be a fucking joke, but sunyoung has never sounded so serious and solemn in her life. “they didn’t recognize you till your dumb introduction, but they definitely saw you after that. they were paying attention and… i don’t think they were...” she doesn’t say it. happy. of course they weren’t happy. sungwoon wants to laugh. like he cares.

“you expect me to give a shit about what they think?” and once again, sunyoung doesn’t say what they both know. he does. after everything, after all their crap, the little boy inside him cares, craves their approval, wants to still make them proud. the pragmatist in him knows that time is long past; his parents would be horrified to learn of what he’s done, what he dreams of doing, who he loves—his angry music might be the least of it. and yet so much of who he is in empty enigma is their doing. the long-simmering rage he holds inside his chest is for them. they should know.

“no angry metal songs, please,” sunyoung repeats, her voice small. “they’re going to watch episode two with me.” her tone turns pleading. “just sing something nice, oppa.”

“fine,” he says, and his sister heaves a sigh of relief. the blood still roars in his ears, drum beats in his mind gearing him up for war. but sunyoung is not an enemy, not an opponent, not a rival. she’s a teenager caught in a difficult place, and some days sungwoon wishes this wasn’t her burden to bear. that she didn’t have to play middle-man like this. none of this is her fault, he reminds himself, rubbing his temples. “i’m sorry,” sungwoon adds a moment later. a poor substitute for a hug or anything remotely brotherly, but it’s all he has to give.

“talk to you later?” she phrases it as a question as always, accepting the apology with more grace than sungwoon could ever possess. he says yeah before hanging up and throwing his phone onto his bed. he wants to believe this is all a sick joke, but it was naive of him to think he could somehow skate through another year of the mgas without his parents finding out he was on the show. sunyoung did inform him they were keeping a closer eye on her after last semester’s grades, and there’s no way she was going to miss the mgas for anything.

it would be easier if sungwoon knew why they wanted to watch him. they haven’t cared about anything he’s done for a long time. they haven’t cared about him in general, not once they pawned him off on his grandparents. it took sungwoon a long time to come to terms with that fact, and he’s not going to pretend it was easy. neither is he going to pretend that coming to terms with it means forgiveness or letting go or any of that feel-good bullshit. what he feels is closer to resignation, a dull acceptance of the status quo and his role as the unwanted child.

maybe it’s as simple as them wanting to make sure sungwoon doesn’t embarrass them. keep up appearances and everything. he wonders what they tell people he’s doing, if they mention him at all. he imagines it’d go something like ‘my son goes to snu! he’s pre-med!’ because they always hoped he’d become a doctor. or he’s being too charitable in assuming they even tell people they have a son. that sounds about right. either way, he’s not pre-med—he’s a singer! surprise and sorry for bringing shame to the family and all that. he dares them to chastise him either way. dares them to say anything, knowing they won’t.

if it weren’t for sunyoung’s request, he would’ve said fuck it and sung one of the extreme songs he’s written about his parents over the years, consequences be damned. it might be his only chance to make them listen to him. they’ve never had a good track record with that. sungwoon remembers being five years old and clinging to his mom’s skirt, begging her not to leave him behind only to be met by a blank stare. or being eight and waiting next to the phone on his birthday for his parents to call (they don’t). or even to be nineteen, wrapped in his own grief and coming face to face with strangers who are supposed to be his parents and finding—no recognition, no sympathy. he stopped trying after that, figuring it was no use. and he sang, because he couldn’t do anything else, praying one day they’d listen.

god. his unfulfilled hopes stack up one by one, and he’s surprised to find they still hurt when what sungwoon wants is to feel nothing at all. “guess that takes find yourself out of the running,” sungwoon says out loud. it isn’t funny.

after spending the rest of the day in bed rebuffing any concerned inquiries by his housemates, sungwoon throws himself into preparations with renewed vigor. sunyoung asked him to just sing something nice? he can do that. it only takes a quick search to land on a fitting song. a ballad, of all things, but one he thinks can showcase the strength and beauty of his voice. it’s a risk, in a way. the real challenge of this stage is to captivate the judges, to deliver a performance worth remembering.

the temptation to resort to a flashy stage or a gimmick is strong; after all, they’re competing against forty nine other people all hand-selected by the judges as worthy contestants. you need to stand out somehow. sungwoon can already imagine the influx of remixed songs and girl group choreographies, the original songs meant to impress even though they’re unfamiliar. desperation mixed with a desire to win means the performances will be… interesting.

but sungwoon is not a gimmick and doesn’t want the world to see him as one. he can’t pull out a metal song and hope it’ll work out, all for maybe a minute of screentime. the ballad—just sungwoon and his voice up on that stage with no instrument to hide behind—is the perfect way to make this all about the singing, the way he’d wanted it to be last year during the skills stage. no fancy tricks, no showing off on the keyboard, nothing else. the lone spotlight on himself stripped down to his bare minimum should scare him, but all he feels is anticipation. it’s finally time to be heard.

(the bitter part of him wants to say, look, mom and dad! at least a ballad singer is presentable, right?)

practice keeps his mind off the mess that is his life. he’s grateful for it keeping him occupied through the lonely hours. sungwoon sings himself hoarse, then spends hours nursing his throat back, reminding himself he has better technique than this. he knows he’s pushing it too far this time, but it’s do or die. with just his voice highlighted, he can’t afford to make any mistakes. no going off tune, no voice cracks, absolutely no observable strain. when he begins feeling restless, he practices in the mirror to make sure he doesn’t grimace or look ugly while hitting the high notes.

sungwoon feels something akin to ready by the time thursday rolls around, if not fully confident he could sing this song perfectly in his sleep. he just hopes everything will go off without a hitch during the actual stage. everyone will be watching, he thinks before bed. and damn if that doesn’t fuel his desire to give the best performance possible.

when they arrive at the venue on thursday, sungwoon is momentarily taken aback at the sight of the reduced chairs. last week’s elimination didn’t feel like much, but looking at the stage now drives home just how big of cut the judges made last week. he wonders if this week is going to see their numbers halved as well. twenty five sounds too low for this early in the competition, but with all the changes, sungwoon can’t predict anything either way. he has no idea what to expect.

what he does know is that he does not want to be sitting in the same place as last time; the row behind them was emanating hostile intent, while the one in front had dumbass energy. neither are vibes sungwoon wants to be surrounded with at the moment, not during this round, and he’s glad daniel seems to feel the same. after exchanging a look, daniel directs them to sit across the room and sungwoon happily follows, already feeling lighter than last week. daniel (rather forcefully) tells him he’s sitting next to him this week, and sungwoon holds back a laugh. “you want to hold my hand that badly?” he asks teasingly, but with real warmth as he thinks, i do too.

of course, the peace is shattered when kenta waves over their loud seatmates from last time. sungwoon considers getting up and moving in a game of impromptu musical chairs, but daniel’s hand on his arms roots him in place. maybe it wouldn’t be fair to abandon daniel to this—or maybe sungwoon is just easy when it comes to him. regardless, he sighs and covers daniel’s hand with his own before settling back into his seat. “the things i do for—” oh, cameras. remembering them a moment too late, sungwoon presses his lips together and shakes his head. not love, not out loud.

thankfully, the performances begin sooner this time, though it’s a double edged sword. with the singers performing first, sungwoon’s name is called all too soon. he doesn’t have much to measure himself against, no room to adjust his performance accordingly based on what he’s seen so far. that might end up being a good thing, but for now, he feels the tiniest bit nervous as he approaches the stage. will he be good enough? no, he thinks. fuck that. he is good enough to stand here among this group of talented individuals. he’s not doubting himself.

he bows once he’s on stage, mic in hand. “hello! this is the still-growing sprout ha sungwoon!” his introduction is cheerful and a little cheeky; he is a good few centimetres taller thanks to his insoles, but no one has to really know that. “i’ll be singing sorry by yang dail today. i hope you enjoy my performance.” maybe he should’ve made a joke about how it’s no toxic and he hopes it won’t put people to sleep, but if he’s doing his job right, it shouldn’t.

taking a deep breath, he closes his eyes as the first notes of the music wash over him. it’s a pretty ballad—but not a love song, which feels strange to sing after two rounds of the same thing. sungwoon is better at embracing heartbreak, however; it’s been a constant companion in his life and hasn’t fully left him even now. he channels that heartache, the weariness into his tone during the first verse.

your cold face our fights that come all the time all the scars that were sent and received sometimes, we feel bad and it builds up for a while so now none of you remains in me

it feels strange to do this without playing an instrument, but this is what sungwoon wants. his voice and his voice along. beginning gentler than he normally would, he keeps his voice smooth throughout the verse, lingering on notes where required. the song tells a story of a love crumbling apart, but sungwoon thinks in that moment of his parents—the scars sent and received, the guilt he still feels in his weakest moments for his own emotions. now none of you remains in me, he thinks, eyes fluttering open at the line. he wishes that were true. maybe it can be. he’s certainly all himself, with nothing of his parents in him.

i know it can’t be helped but i don’t want to let you go but when i call your name i don’t feel anything i’m just here

the chorus builds and sungwoon rises with it, his clear voice growing louder and more powerful before easing back into something softer and fragile. he finds it surprisingly easy to shed his personas from the first and second stages in this competition to emerge onstage as a versatile vocalist who lays it all up here. bares it all, because he sings every song like it’s his own, like the lyrics belong to him. he doesn’t have to sing his own music to connect and to make other people feel it too. he doesn’t need his crutches—his instruments—or even squall to feel like he’s soaring, to feel like he’s doing something worth doing. and he doesn’t need anyone’s approval to be here.

sungwoon hopes his parents are listening, not for their sake or even his own; he just wants them to get the message. this is him, this is what he can do, and here is what he thinks of their interest and their disapproval and their olive branches: i don’t feel anything. whatever hopes he’s secret held onto—he lets go. the final lines of the chorus are a soft admission, equal parts resignation and acceptance, and in the pause between them and the bridge, he looks at the judges without seeing them at all. maybe he’s not singing for them in this moment but himself. still, the corners of his mouth lift slightly as he makes eye contact with katie lee before turning away.

i used to draw you out every day now i can’t i don’t want you anymore

the bridge reminds him of climbing a staircase; as the music swells, so does sungwoon’s voice, his head tipping back as he pulls the microphone away from his mouth by the slightest amount. he doesn’t want his words to get muffled or slurred, and thankfully, his pronunciation remains clear as he sings. instead of embracing anger, he sings the song like a goodbye, a farewell with years and years’ worth of sentiment behind it. kinder than his parents deserve, maybe, but sungwoon is tired of it all and thinks he could, for once, afford to be kind. with the final line, he transitions easily into the vocalization and thinks, this is the end.

the end can’t be helped but you’re trying not to let go but even that is meaningless to me

here is where he unleashes his voice fully, emotion mixing with power and control to deliver an impactful chorus. the high note comes easily, and sungwoon holds it with little effort. he feels his voice come from deep inside, bursting out of him with a force that surprises even sungwoon. but he can do this much. he can show this much if he wants to get any further. as sungwoon sings the final lines of the song, he feels none of the triumph of last week—this is a denouement and the soft epilogue, the vulnerable action of saying, i’ve done enough and now i’m spent. he is spent. he’s said all he needs to.

feels like something i’ve procrastinated now i think i should tell you

he stays on stage for a few seconds following the end of the song, waiting for the music to fade away. sinking into another bow once he’s done, sungwoon gives the judges a smile before returning to his seat. he feels lighter, like he left the weight, the pain, the sadness all on stage. unlike his empty engima performances, he doesn’t carry any of the emotions off with him to brood on later. he’s—free. buoyant for once in his life, sungwoon nearly skips back to where empty enigma sit—only to realize how bad of an idea it is when he suffers a slight shoe malfunction. also known as: the slow-motion horror movie moment when his shoes fall off and his insoles—

sungwoon scoops them up and hugs them to his chest as he sits down, noticeably shorter. kenta doesn’t let it go without a comment, and sungwoon bristles because he doesn’t need this from his fellow shortie, of all people! “you can’t judge me for this,” he huffs. “you know what it’s like.” he’s pretty sure kenta is also wearing considerable insoles. maybe not as much as sungwoon, but then again, he’s also not sandwiched between the freakishly large daniel and minhyun. “expose your shoe lifts right now,” sungwoon continues. this is a matter of pride. but kenta protests even as sungwoon says, “take off your shoes if you have nothing to hide!”

and kenta, being kenta, says something extremely weird which has sungwoon wanting to rub his temples. “you don’t put… you don’t put makeup on your feet?” they’re feet. which is, admittedly, a very strange hill to die on, so he accepts kenta’s explanation without comment because he wants this to end. after fixing his own shoes, sungwoon straightens up and thinks about asking kenta to elaborate on his point when daniel squeezes his hand, a soft you did well bringing a smile to sungwoon’s face. daniel pulls away too soon, but sungwoon doesn’t chase his warmth, not willing to ask for more than he can give right now. he’s lucky he gets this much.

sungwoon endeavors to pay attention to as many of the other performances as he can, but his attention starts to wander near the end. though he tries to keep his muttered asides and bad jokes to a minimum, it feels natural to share them with daniel, like they’re back in 2018, being… well, dumb and happy. god, he loves it.

when the performances switch over to the dancers, with joohyun leading the group, he grows more alert—enough to see her stumble even with his untrained eye. wincing, he turns to daniel on instinct; seeing wrestle with indecision, sungwoon touches his arm, his voice dropping low. “go see if she’s okay.” and daniel bolts. maybe some other day he’d feel something. even a week ago, he would’ve felt something. but none of that is joohyun’s fault, and sungwoon—wants her to be okay as well. so he swallows whatever else he could’ve said and waits for daniel to return.

his attention is split until woojin takes the stage, and once again sungwoon is awestruck by how powerful and precise each of his movements are. kenta follows shortly after, putting on a cute performance that has sungwoon grinning and cheering the whole time, even if he and kenta did beef earlier (for like five minutes, over something very stupid. it’s how they roll). once the dancers are done, the rappers begin taking the stage one by one. at some point, sungwoon realizes daniel is holding his hand again. it’s probably the nerves coming through, and hell, sungwoon is nervous too. he doesn’t know what to expect, but daniel has never had a bad performance, so—

“go kill it,” he tells him seriously, before daniel has to take this stage. and because it’s daniel, he does light the stage on fire with his self-written rap. it’s a lot better than sungwoon ever expected; once he picks his jaw up off the floor, he’s cheering along, playing the hype man for daniel. every single line packs a harder punch than before, and by the time daniel is done, sungwoon is pumped, and all he can see is daniel. the proud smile on his face doesn’t slip as daniel returns to his seat. “so,” he says. “that was a lot better than my freestyle.” but he’s joking and lacking the words to tell daniel just how much he loved the performance and hopes his excitement says enough.

once the rappers are done, sungwoon runs his eyes over the fifty left, all of them having given it their best up on that stage. there’s no way all fifty of them can move on even if they all deserve to, but he hopes that empty enigma are some of the lucky ones. they have been so far, right?

we’ve got a ways to go yet.

#rkmga5 #rkmga5skill #( c: solo )#( wc: 5159 )#danielxrk #rkkenta #rkminhyun #rkpwj #joohyunrk #( because mentioned )#( god this is so sloppy but i'm so tired!! )#( the ending is the worst )#( just don't read this lmao i'm sick and done )

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