robynviolet

[robynviolet]

is it wrong that I want to try this with my husband 😘

[robynviolet]

The definition of individuality<3

liu min by yi tuo for t magazine china women style, makeup & hair by liu wendi

[robynviolet]

How about Hell Fucking Yes!!!!

Don't be a "maybe". It's either Hell Yes or Fucking No.

[robynviolet]

I still wish to go to New York to have the dream life I want.

[robynviolet]

Worthless

Well, going into work today was a shit show. First I was late because my car would not start, then out of no where I had a mental breakdown of everything I was feeling. I was overwhelmed with emotions that I was actually quite glad I came home early today. 

Dealing with anxiety and depression is one bad combo but that is what happens when you also get diagnosed PTSD. The world falls apart after just one minor inconvenience. I can’t explain to you why it happens but it does. Sometimes I can’t control those emotions. I have dealt with 12 years of trauma and still having to face it till this day. Overall, it sucks. 

The anxiety I would say is the worst; the pressure of having to live up to someone else’s expectations feels like a boulder that you have carry in order to impress them. I know I shouldn’t care what people say but at the same time it still gets to me. When I say I try not to I really mean it. With work I care too much because basically my career is on the line. The panic attacks I hate. Having to go into the bathroom to relieve myself is draining as it is because I am having to put on a show like everything is okay but it is not. 

I always have a poker face at work so that people don’t assume I’m weak. I hate pity but I still get it. Most people just see me as someone who is dramatic and I'm not trying to seem that way at all. I always try so hard to impress other when I know I shouldn’t be doing it. People always tell me to not stress about the what others say and I listen I really do and I take their advice. It lasts for like a few days. Words still hurt me more than broken bones. 

Now depression is just always feeling like your WORTHLESS. Not only do others bring me down but I am my worst enemy. I pressure myself into things I know I shouldn’t do or say but it just comes out. Like today, once I was inside work I set my stuff down and walked straight into the bathroom to calm down. It hurt to cry because I was already crying on my way there. Thinking of every possible thing the brave me would say but instead broke down to cry everything out so I wouldn’t say something stupid. I wanted to basically just run away. Sometimes I wish I could do that because that just seems like the easier solution. 

I am hurting everyday. Yesterday I had someone ask me if I was suicidal and I said “ I would rather not say” meaning I’m not going to tell you if I don’t trust you. I only trust my supervisor in the shop. She is the one who really listens to me. One thing you must know is that I say sorry A LOT. I even say it even if it is not even my fault. My supervisor always tells me not to say it so often but like I said I can’t help it. I don’t understand why I couldn’t born a more confident person but people have always let me down so now I let myself down because I feel as if I never do enough. I have a big heart and I care too much even over the small things. I hope one day I can find more people that are going the same exact thing I am going through. I just don’t know if i can take anymore of this. 

[robynviolet]

Sweet Reunion

Death is not evil. Death is a warm welcome into the afterlife. I have never experienced dying myself but I feel like that is what it is like. It shows you all the things you have so longingly desired. Things you probably could never do when you were alive. 

I wondered about that today at my roommate’s mom’s funeral. I don’t think the mom was sad when she died, I think she was relieved. No more physical or mental  pain, no more wondering the what ifs, no more bullshit to be honest. Maybe she would have thought she would at least die of old age but instead died at 36 with her own mother burying her. It must still break her heart but at least she won’t suffer. 

That’s the thing though, the child is suppose to bury the parent and the parent bury the grandparent. That didn’t work out today. Instead you see a grieving grandmother trying to keep it in and a daughter only coping through dark humor. The aunts and uncles looking over their dead sister’s body wondering what they could of done right when she was alive. 

Seeing the aunt and uncle made me think of my siblings and I if my older brother died. My roommate’s mom had stomach issues going on for 20 years. My brother is similar but instead has multiple birth heart defects that could kill him any second. I thought to myself, ‘If I were in their position, would I act the same way or be like the daughter and cope with only humor to hide how I really feel?’ The list goes on with the bumbardening questions I have. 

It was hard seeing all of it. A dead body of a person I have never met, crying family members reminiscing, and just death in general. It made me anxious to see all of it. I even had to go outside to cry so they wouldn’t see how weak I was. I don’t like pity even if its not about me. It was overwhelming. It made me cry for my roommate even if she was out tears. I wish I could take all their pain away but there comes a cost to a big heart. 

I hope the mother is living the afterlife she always wanted. Hell! Maybe she’s just sipping a martini in beach Heaven. I don’t know if she liked the beach so quote me on that. 

To Death I say thank you. It may be sad sometimes having to carry lost souls but you have the hardest job. You carry a burden no one else could, having to hear tragic deaths. I hope you show that mother what awaits for her because she’s gunna need it. Just make sure she witnesses her daughter bringing a new life into this world. Also if you could tell death to have the looks of the mother no matter a boy or girl. 

I say again to you Death, thank you. 

[robynviolet]

Hello ;)

My name is Robyn Violet. To be honest that’s not even my real name but I guess that's the mystery isn’t it? To know who I am? I guess I came on here to truly be absolutely extraordinary. 

Enough with the mystery, why don’t I tell you a few things about myself. Just know I won’t go into too much detail about my everyday life but I could tell you what it is like. 

I’m a 21 year old girl who lives in the tropics of the world or that is at least how I see it. My job is like any other job just without your laid back typical job restrictions. Its more like being able to see a different view on people. You would see so many different cultures coming together to achieve what is meant for them. Fighting for what is right. We are protectors, saviors, and sometimes even the victim. Its not easy but its not hard either. Lets just say only a select few can get the job I have. 

My home life is soon to be just my husband and I. We are about to move into a new apartment at the end of the month. Its exciting for us because we got use to living in a home without privacy. By that I mean roommates. Now the roommates we have aren’t terrible but they aren’t good ones either. They tend to be slobs and still haven’t gotten a touch on reality. They are a couple who are soon to bring a new little human into the world. They just found out 2 days ago that they are 7 weeks along. My husband I guess you can say is your stereotypical gamer boy. He plays every single day but not nonstop. He takes breaks to spend time to me which makes me feel like a 12 year old girl with her middle school crush. He works for his dads A/C company just 10 miles north of where we live. Where we plan on living next will be easier on him because he will only be 5 minutes away this time. On top of that, we finally get to be alone. 

My friends are all over the place. I have friends far and wide who I really trust. One of them is a single mom who is an ultimate badass. Her hair is like a crystal, so colorful and beautiful and even soft as silk. Something I wish I could pull off but know I never will. Another one is in the Big Apple finishing up her Fine Arts degree. Her and I met in a court room in Wyoming when our ex-boyfriend was on trial. He was disgusting but besides that her and I grew up in the same area without ever knowing each other. Just she is also a badass just like her father and kind as her mother which are amazing people by the way. Her and I also made amazing friends while we were in Wyoming. Now we have a group chat mad labeled “Strongest Women Ik” because we all once dated that same pervert that was in the courtroom. My other friends I am still getting to know. They are genuine people who are nothing like me but hey, I guess that is what makes us unique. 

Overall, I am happy to be here to share my latest gossip, scariest experiences, and even the most loving memories. I hope I can be accepted through just like you all do with each other. I consider myself an artist in many forms. I’m just not set and stone on which kind I am. Hopefully I have you guys here to inspire me. Please take note that this heavenly place called Tumblr is my only save haven from the real hell that is sure to come. I can’t wait to meet all of you. 

xoxo Robyn ⁓

[robynviolet]

🖤