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roseandreason · 2 years ago

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Birth (part 2)

Let’s be honest, this is the part everyone is invested in, THE BIRTH, in all its gory details. So I guess firstly, sorry it’s taken me so bloody long, I’ve been a bit busy raising our baby girl who is now 9 months old (waaaaaa just rocking and crying in a corner, Titch can we have another yet?) but also sorry because there are no gory details here, just one very positive, very beautiful (in my opinion) birth story

I will however cover 4 BIG questions:

Did it hurt?

Did you poop?

Did you need stitches?

Is it like having a giant poo?

I feel like these have been the most commonly asked for me when talking about my birth story so hey, ill answer them all….enjoy <3

So my last post finished just as my waters had broken at the bottom of our stairs, fast forward half an hour of me and Titch being quite giddy, my surges had started, we were excited and we had been told to try and get some rest before or between my surges

Now let me be honest as I promised I would be, if anyone manages to get rest/sleep between or during their surges, honey….well done you because that was not happening for me, because each time I tried the surges would wake me up. My labour established pretty quickly for a first time mum and by 11pm I had reached the golden 3 in 10 rule where you have 3 surges in the space of 10 minutes lasting roughly 45 seconds each. This is what the hospital will ask when you call to say you are on your way as it indicates you are in established labour as apposed to early labour which can last days.

Me and Titch had both agreed we wanted to stay and labour at home as long as possible, I wanted to be in our own space and environment for as long as possible before getting in the car and heading to hospital as this often can slow labour down slightly and I was happy at home in familiar surroundings. I laboured at home until around 4:30am which is when my surges were really coming strong and regularly so I felt like I needed to head to hospital. I used a tens machine briefly but didn’t find that it helped me at all, some people love them but I found the sensation unpleasant! What did help was being upright, leaning on our radiator cover in our bedroom whilst swaying and moving my hips from side to side. All of these whilst breathing using the in for 4 out for 8 technique we had learnt in my pregnancy yoga (cannot recommend enough!) and our hypnobirthing classes. The whole time Titch timed every surge on our app and tracked them all whilst massaging my back and offering grapes, official snack king that man!

Before we headed to the hospital Titch called ahead and let them know we were on the way, our dream birth was to be on the MLBU (midwife led birthing unit) with a birthing pool, unfortunately when Titch called they explained there was not any room at the time and they didn’t expect there to be any time soon, when Titch came to tell me I think he thought I would take the news badly, but my exact response was ‘ok never mind then’ at that point I knew our baby girl was on the way, so it didn’t matter so much anymore and being on the delivery suite was absolutely fine even if not what we would have chosen initially!

So we headed to the hospital, and the car journey was super uncomfortable, when I was at home I could move and manage the surges however I needed, in the car you are limited to what you can do and as I said I was better stood up, so being sat down wasn’t ideal, luckily the journey only took 20 minutes, helped by the time of the day we didn’t have to worry about the awful road works on the A11 (if you know, you know) arriving at the hospital was the most surreal experience,

We arrived to the delivery suite at around 5am and were were seen by the most amazing midwife (a common theme in our story) Bob. Bob was simply the kindest human being and it turned out we shared a birthday (fellow Aries baby). He examined me and I was 5cm dilated and his words were ‘you’re not leaving until you have had your baby now’ I was so pleased we weren’t going to be sent home (Hospitals usually send you home if you are less than 4cm dilated) and I had waited long enough to be admitted but not too long that Olive was going to make her entrance too quickly! Bob then informed us that another midwife was coming to collect us and take us to the MLBU! Let me tell you, Titch had already started setting up camp in the room, pillows were out, snacks were being organised, and he has started playing with the projector lights (bob informed us its always the first thing the men do) so when we were told we could go to the MLBU we were so surprised but obviously beyond happy!

On the MLBU you get your own private room (ours was called the orchid suite) with a birthing pool and it was simply the most wonderful environment, its calm, almost spa like (spa like I hear you laugh but honestly it really is!) with its dim lighting you can play your own music, use aromatherapy oils and the bed is more like what you are used to at home covered in cushions rather than a hospital bed. If it fits with your birthing plan, you are low risk and there is room, go to the MLBU.

When we arrived we were greeted by the midwife that we had spoken to on the phone, we laughed about how she looked nothing like I expected and she said she got that all the time. I got straight in the birthing pool and it instantly gave me the feeling of being relaxed and at ease, the warm water was amazing! Anyone that knows me well knows I adore a bath so it was no surprise that the birthing pool was such an effective tool for me!

About half an hour later we were asked by our midwife whether it would be ok for a student midwife to be present for our labour and birth. I know and totally understand this isn’t for everyone, but me and Titch had spoken about it together before and both agreed we were happy for this to happen. When Olive was born we found out that she had only needed one more birth to become a qualified midwife, so Olive was her last baby as a student and that’s so special to us knowing we were a part of her journey! I really recommend allowing a student to be a part of your birth, she did all of my assessments and check ups but our other midwife was there to check and support if she needed anything, we felt totally at ease and safe, she was wonderful, but its totally a personal choice!

The birthing pool was the most amazing relief for the surges and I am so glad I had one available to me. One thing I will say is I do feel like it slowed my labour progress. I stayed at 5cm for a few hours but I noticed any time I got out of the pool for a wee (not the easiest thing to do when you’re in labour, honestly!) The surges would ramp up again in intensity and in how regular they were. I was still progressing though so the midwives were happy for me to stay in the pool as I was so much more comfortable there. I was never examined again after the initial examination when we arrived at the hospital, this was a personal choice but I could feel everything my body was doing and I could feel that my labour was progressing, so I didn’t need to know how many cm we were anymore.

When I say I could feel everything my body was doing, this was the most incredible experience, it was really important to me that I wasn’t offered any pain relief so I could feel everything my body was doing. This was always part of my birth plan and I felt very strongly about it. Not having pain relief was not me trying to be a hero or trying to be ‘oh look at me’ because it just does not matter and I think it’s madness people are judged for it, if you want the drugs have the bloody drugs, they are there for a reason! My choices were made after doing a lot of research and conversations with Titch. Pain relief that Is offered in labour obviously is designed to take away the pain, simple. But what they can also do is take away most if not all feelings or sensations and some like gas and air for example can make you feel sick or dizzy (given I had felt nauseous my whole pregnancy more sickness was the last thing I needed) It was really important to me to be in the moment and not have anything hinder this, and personally I believed any form of pain relief would jeopardise this. There is a correlation with pain relief then leading to instrumental births which is something I wanted to avoid. I wanted to feel every stage of labour and what my body was doing and I honestly believe this had a big impact on why my experience was so positive, I could listen to what my body wanted and needed throughout labour. It was a personal choice, and labour is so personal, whatever choice you make is yours and yours only. Some people want all the drugs, some people don’t, it just does not matter!

So here we go, one of the big questions everyone asks, did it hurt. I honestly don’t think painful is the right way to describe labour. I absolutely will not sit here typing and say it didn’t hurt because there were times when it did but pain isn’t the word I would use to describe it or labour at all. The only word I could use to describe it when asked was intense, the whole experience with my surges was super intense and really escalated throughout my labour. I felt my surges in my back mostly, which came as a shock to me and I didn’t expect to feel so much pressure in my back! Throughout my whole labour, as the intensity grew, (and boooooyyyyyyy did it grow!!) I was able to manage through using my breathing techniques, I felt so empowered and strong riding each surge as they came knowing that each one was getting me closer to meeting our daughter, but I’m also not going to pretend that I didn’t have a wobble!! There was a point in my labour when I hit what they call transition (the final part of active labour which is when you transition from 7cm to 10cm and therefore baby is decending down) where I had a wobble because the surges were SO intense. I think my exact words were ‘I can’t do this anymore, someone needs to help me’ This reaction is apparently really common in this stage of labour as a surge of adrenalin is released into your body to prepare you as your baby is literally about it arrive! I had also learnt about this in our hypnobirthing course! Now when I said what I said, in my head I knew what was happening, I knew my moment of panic was just my body needing to readjust and prepare for the final stages, I knew that if I was examined, I would be 10cm and I wouldn’t be able to have any pain relief anyway. I didn’t want it really and if they had asked I would still have said no, the midwives and Titch were amazing, they all reassured me how amazing I was doing and to concentrate again on my breathing and that Olive would be here so soon, we were so so close to meeting her. Immediately I was calm again.

Let me say this here, Titch throughout my whole labour was my rock, I simply could not have done it without him and having a strong supportive birth partner is so so important in labour. He reassured me, counted my breathing with me, fed me snacks including jelly babies and squares (the most incredible labour snack and total 90s throwback) and he only ever left my side once to go to the loo. Every other second he was right there, letting me squeeze his arms when needed, trying to make me laugh and just generally being the most amazing husband and birthing partner. He set up the room with all my pillows, LED candles and was in charge of the music being played, he knew when to change from my ‘calm and chilled’ playlist to my ‘I’m flagging I need something upbeat’ playlist. (The midwives fully LOVED my mostly 90s inspired playlists with the added bonus of musical hits from Hamilton and said they were some of the best birth playlists they had heard!) All this on just having come of a night shift from work, Titch was simply, incredible.

So no, painful isn’t how I would describe labour, what I struggled most with was the tiredness in labour and this may also be why my surges dropped off a couple of times. There were points between surges in the pool where I was literally falling asleep, the pool was so relaxing and warm and because I went into labour at 9pm the evening before I hadn’t had any sleep even though I tried. So by the time Olive was born I had been awake for 31 hours straight, which most people would struggle with without being in labour but labour is EXHAUSTING. People describe labour like running a marathon, now I have never (and will never, not for me sorry, no thanks) run a marathon, I have however run a half marathon and let me tell you it did not come close to the tiredness I felt in labour! My labour lasted 17 hours from my waters breaking to actually giving birth, for a first time mum that is really quick!

So here we are, the final stage of labour, most commonly referred to as the pushing stage! And this was my favourite stage (I know, didn’t expect to read that did you!?) This stage is the one everyone tries to terrify you with, if it isn’t women screaming in films or tv programmes its other women warning you about the ring of fire and how much pain they were in. Well here I am to tell you, I loved it. I think mainly because I knew this was it, this was the moment I was going to meet our daughter, I was going to become a mummy, something I had dreamed and wished for for so long. So I’ll cover two of the big questions here…firstly…..is it like having a giant poop. Yes, it is exactly like having a big poop, there we go, that was easy! Second, did you poop, well now I honestly have no idea, I was leaning forward in the birth pool so if I did, I would have had no idea, I have asked Titch and his very diplomatic answer was ‘I’m not sure’ now I’m not stupid, if i hadn’t he would have just said no surely? So Im going to go with, yes I probably did, but does it bother me? Absolutely not, most women do because see above, the pushing stage is just like having a big poop, and also the midwives literally don’t care and if I did they were so bloody quick and removing it I was non the wiser…legends!

Going back to what I said before about feeling everything, this is why I loved this stage of labour so much, I could literally feel my baby moving through my body ready to come into the world, it took a few pushes times with my breathing and I could feel her moving backwards and forwards getting closer each time, I knew I was so close and when her head crowned and was birthed it just felt amazing, again I felt so powerful and strong and amazing, go me, I’m literally having a baby!! No ring of fire, no horrendous pain, just calm, pure elation! I trusted my body, I knew it was doing everything it needed to do! One more push after her head and Olive was born into the water, pulling her out of the water and into my arms was just the most amazing feeling!!

Now I hear you ask what was the first thing I said when my baby girl was born and I held her, was it ‘she’s beautiful’ was it ‘hello baby girl’…..well no actually it was ‘Oh my god, her feet are huge’ (cue lots of laughter in the room) because I don’t know if Olive received a memo that she was going to be born in the water but that girl was born with flippers, the most perfect and beautiful…huge flipper feet. But she was here, I had my beautiful Olive in my arms, the moment I had waited so long for, was here, and she was simply perfect, big feet and all. Our Rainbow baby.

Looking at your baby for the first time is the most incredible feeling. Alot of people describe it as love. I think yes it can be described as that, but for me, it was a feeling of purpose, I knew I loved her, obviously, more than anything in the world but for me the sense of purpose of knowing she was the reason for everything now. I had become a different person from the moment I looked into her eyes staring up at me. Did Titch cry? Yes, absolutely he did, he was so overwhelmed and happy, it was so lovely to watch.

I stayed in the birthing pool with Olive, did delayed cord clamping (Titch cut the cord) had skin to skin cuddles and her first feed, which I now know started our breastfeeding journey which we are now 9 months into and I have never been so proud (more on that another time) I then birthed my placenta which by the way is the coolest thing ever!! My midwife showed me the different parts of it and to see the organ that I grew as well as a baby but also that kept Olive alive and thriving whilst she was inside me was incredible, it was so much bigger than I thought it would be! My midwives were also amazed because the amniotic sack Olive was in inside me had come out in one piece which is super super rare, it looked like a jelly fish floating in the water, they were very excited!

Titch was then given snuggly duty and first Daddy cuddles whilst I got out of the pool and the midwives took the chance to check me over. So final question, did I need stitches? When I was checked the midwife said that I didn’t need stitches as such as there was only two slight grazes however if I had two small stitches it would probably help them heal a bit quicker and easier. I honestly think these grazes happened when I birthed the placenta and not Olive as I wasn’t concentrating so much on my breathing at that point as I had Olive there already, and kind of just wanted it over and done with which I think then caused the slight graze but i didn’t feel it happen at the time, so again a worry people give you and I didn’t even notice it happen. I decided to have the stitches to hopefully make it slightly easier in recovery.

We were in our baby bubble. Olive was here, snuggled and wrapped up carefully and the midwives asked if I would like something to eat and drink. Now let me paint a picture, for the whole of my 9 months pregnant I was horrifically sick, not wanting to eat or drink anything and struggled with food in general. It was a rough ride, but for the first time in 9 months, I didnt feel sick anymore, it was instant from the moment I gave birth, the sickness left my body. I wanted everything, I was so bloody excited. The midwives bought me loads and loads of food and the infamous post birth toast and I swear I have never tasted anything as good as that toast tasted, superior in every way.

We were moved to another room with Olive a little while later, we were finally a family of 3, I have never been so proud of me and Titch, we had created something so beautiful and perfect and we were so ready to start our next adventures.

Olive Rose Titchiner

03/08/22 13:22pm

7lbs exactly

So there it is, my birth story, I hope this helps, I hope this provides a good labour story, because my god we need more of those out there. I was lucky, I was never afraid of giving birth, I always believed in my body and knew what it and I was capable of, but there are too many horror stories out there and I want more people to know that birth can truly be the most incredible experience, I loved our labour and the birth of our daughter. There were so many things that made my experience so special, but the midwives, nurses and every single member of staff we came across in the hospital, were simply amazing. The NHS is amazing and we are so lucky to have it. It may be struggling but my god the staff, are some of the most resilient people I have met.

As always I love hearing peoples thoughts and if it has helped reassure you or given you knowledge you didnt previously have, let me know <3

Belle

XXX

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roseandreason · 3 years ago

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Its the big one….Birth (part 1)

Im going to do this as a two parter, mainly because I don’t want to miss anything out but also because I don’t get a huge amount of time to write things like this anymore! Ill try not to keep you waiting too long for part two!

6 weeks ago I had a baby…..and everyone wants to know, how was the birth, so here I am….to tell all, buckle in, grab a coffee and a snack, I highly recommend jelly babies or a squares bar, these turned out to be my labour snacks of choice.

My main reason for writing this blog post is one, because I hope it helps others, the same as all my posts but two because I had a truly wonderful birth experience…I hear you gasp….a positive birth story?! Yes it was wonderful and I know these are rarely heard amongst the horror stories out there that can be really scary to hear!

So here we go, but where to start?!

I guess we will start right at the beginning (no not conception, we are all adults here and know where babies come from) my maternity leave, I went on maternity leave when I was roughly 36 weeks pregnant, which for a lot of people sounds early, but it was really important to me to really have time to relax at home and prepare for our baby girl to arrive both mentally and physically, I don’t think there was any better way to do that than being at home, mainly cross-stitching and binge watching multiple series! I suffered with severe pelvic pain and hyperemesis (sickness and nausea) in my pregnancy amongst other symptoms including feet that looked more like water balloons, it was not the glowing pregnancy so often advertised (and yet I absolutely loved it) so those few weeks were amazing to be at home in my own space and if you can I fully recommend anyone planning maternity to do the same, I think too many people work right the way up to their due date at work and work themselves too hard! You’re about to have a huge shift in your life, those weeks to myself were golden and I’m so glad I took that time to myself and Titch when he had days off.

In that time I also practiced all the tools in my hypnobirthing course me and Titch did, it was the best money I have ever spent and the tools I learnt 100% contributed to why I had such an amazing birth experience, more on that later!

Fast forward to my due date, I had tried to not put too much focus on my due date or tell many people when it was. Babies in general but specifically 1st babies very rarely arrive on their due date, I think only around 4%! (I was actually born on my due date, but if you know me thats the most me thing to do, always on time as expected!)

70% of first babies are born between 40 and 42 weeks so I knew there was a high chance I would go ‘overdue’

I won’t pretend however that towards my due date and after I didn’t start to feel impatient. I was lucky enough to share my pregnancy journey with one of my best friends, she had her baby boy at 39 weeks, then all our friends on our antinaetal class also went on to have their babies, so it did feel like everyone was waiting for our little lady to arrive, and we were so desperate to meet her!

At 41 weeks +1 (Monday) I went to the midwife for them to attempt a ‘sweep’. This is something I initially wasnt going to have as they are not proven to help start labour but I later changed my mind hoping that I might at least know where my body was at in the process. Long story short the midwife said that on their scoring system I was the lowest possible score (ouch!) my body and cervix were completely uninterested in gong into labour and an induction was most likely how our birth was going to go. I went home and cried, I was so desperate for my body start a spontaneous labour and I really didn’t want to be induced, so I had a good cry (full on disney princess style sprawled on the bed), I was so dissapointed!

The following day (Tuesday) I felt completely different (when does a good cry not make you feel better!) I had accepted that my body just wasn’t ready, and that was ok, as long as our baby girl arrived safely, I called the hospital and accepted an induction and it was booked for the Friday. I knew within a few more days, we would have our family.

We had to take our car in for a recall Job that day, and due to it being possible for me to go into labour at any point they gave us a courtesy car until ours was ready, we transferred the baby car seat, my hospital notes and birth plan into this car…(this is an important detail, you’ll find out later why) me and Titch both laughed to the receptionist saying well what are the chances of it happening today….unknown to us both…my body and Olive had very different plans

That evening me and Titch were having our dinner in the garden and I said to him ‘I just don’t feel right’ I had a little back pain and some cramp like feelings but due to being told what I had the day before I did not even think for a second these could be labour symptoms, so I went upstairs and said I was going to have a nice long bath and an early night…again my body had a very different evening planned for us both.

At just before half past 8 I got out of the bath with freshly washed hair and put on fresh pjs (no better feeling) I took a photo of me and bump (shown below and the last photo I have of my bump) went downstairs and boom, at the bottom of our stairs my waters went, I looked up at Titch who was following me down the stairs and said ‘either I just wet myself or my waters have just gone……Nope it won’t stop….its my waters’

I was so excited and I had always wanted my movie moment of my waters breaking but its not as common as people think, so I was buzzing! Let me tell you what they don’t in movies…it does not stop, there was so much water I couldnt beleive it!! It was such a surreal moment and I remember me and Titch just staring at each other for brief second and then both of us absolutely beaming and smiling and hugging each other so tight, it was happening, our baby girl was on her way.

When your waters break you need to call the hospital to let them know as they like to make sure you have given birth within 24hrs of them breaking to prevent infection, so I asked Titch to grab the hospital notes with the wards number on…..remember earlier I said about putting our hospital notes in the courtesy car, yeah we forgot to take them back, they were locked in a car on a forecourt in Wymondham….ooops! It would have been too easy to panic but instead we just laughed and Titch said well we can’t have been the first and we won’t be the last! We spoke to an incredible Midwife on the phone who told me to try and get some rest before my contractions started (lol) and to keep them updated on my progress.

My contractions or surges as we called them as part of our Hypnobirthing course, started at 9pm so only half an hour after my waters broke and there you have it, the start of our labour story, and I fully believe that it happened that day because I was the most relaxed I had been, I had accepted she wasn’t coming until the Friday and that was ok, I had also spent the entire day bouncing on my pregnancy ball, must have done something! So when people ask ‘how do I start labour, what did you do’ I truly believe there is nothing you can do, your body will do what it wants when it wants and when it feels ready!

Baby Olive…..she was on her way XXX

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roseandreason · 3 years ago

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Pregnancy after loss

I have been thinking about writing this blog entry for a while but I wasn’t really sure where to start. After I wrote my last post about our miscarriage the amount of people that reached out to me was overwhelming, so many feeling exactly the same, but also others who have never understood until reading my post what people go through when they suffer a miscarriage. Thats why I think it is so important I write this post, I started writing these posts in the hope they would help just one person, turns out it reached out to way more than I expected. Support and understanding is so important and hopefully this will help with both.

Me and Titch made the decision after our miscarriage to start trying for a baby again straight away, this was a personal decision and one I know many people won’t have been able to do straight away. Everyone is different. I spoke to a lot of people who had suffered miscarriages and quite a few of them had said although it was hard, they tried again straight away and most of them fell either immediately or within a couple of months, for me and Titch it was a new focus. We went away for a few days for our anniverary, a change of scenery for us both was just what we needed and to just be with each other. Titch is my safe place.

When I found out I was pregnant again I was on holiday in Disney with one of my best friends, Rachel. It was a really hard decision to still go ahead with the holiday as I was still not in a great place after everything we had gone through, but Rachel was amazing and we decided if there was anything I needed..it was Disney. I didn’t realise quite how accurate that would be.

I had my suspicions before we left for Disney, my periods are always to the day on time, even to the hour most of the time, Mother Nature never kept me hanging around and yet for the second time in a row, I had no symptoms, and no sign of her appearing. I gave it 2 days before I took a test which luckily I had one in my suitcase. Early in the morning on our second day in Disney, the day we were due to go and see the Disney castle, in the dark I took the test in the bathroom, doing my best not to wake Rachel up….girl needs her sleep and doesn’t do well on less than 8 hours. It was instant, an instant positive staring back at me whilst I tried to process my emotions. I wasn’t 100% sure what to do straight away, so I hid the test in my pjs, and laid in bed and chatted to Rachel for about 10 minutes before I then eventually said ‘Hey Rach, can I show you something’, never has anyone in history been so casual about showing a pregnancy test I swear…

Rachel couldn’t have been more amazing, and she asked how I was feeling, I think my response was something along the lines of ‘I don’t know, I don’t really feel anything’. That was the only way I could explain it, I was happy, but the happiness was masked with so much fear, if I had been nervous first time round at being pregnant, I knew this time was only going to be heightened. So that left me not really knowing how to feel. From then on, we carried on with our holiday and we went to see the Disney castle, even for people who are not into’ Disney, I have never met someone who hasn’t returned and said ‘I get it, I get the magic’ I couldn’t think of a more perfect place to find out we were expecting our rainbow baby. Without knowing, I had already taken our daughter to Disney for her first time.

When I returned from Disney the next few weeks that followed were hard, I got really poorly with a virus (not THE virus) and had to take some time off, not only was being so ill hard work but also the impact I thought this might have on our weeks old baby worried me every single day, I was poorly with my last pregnancy which ended in miscarriage so naturally the association for me was terrifying. Me and Titch booked a private scan for 7 weeks, to reassure us everything was ok and that baby was progressing, growing, and so we could hear their heartbeat. The countdown was unbearable. We went to our first scan Saturday 11th December, and we heard our babies heartbeat for the first time, there are no words to describe the feeling and emotion we both felt. Our baby was happy, healthy and as perfect as we could have hoped and imagined. We have since had another 2 scans, our 12 week with the NHS and another private scan to check everything was as it should be again and also to find out the gender.

Unfortunately when falling pregnant again after miscarriage, there can be a lack of understanding among a lot of people that the new pregnancy has fixed everything, and I was left feeling like a lot of people had forgotten what me and Titch had lost and gone through already. There are still days that I am unbearably sad and lost and thats ok. One of my best friends Vivian once described grief as waves, it comes and goes, some waves are stronger and take your breathe away, others are calmer and more manageable. It’s stuck with me ever since, it’s such an accurate representation of how grief feels and it affects you differently every single day. I will never forget our first pregnancy and baby. What our daughter has given us is hope, somewhere to focus our love and new amazing memories to create and look forward to.

I am currently 17 and a half weeks pregnant, nearing on to halfway through! Every day I feel more confident knowing our baby girl is growing stronger but the nerves and anxiety have never gone away completely. There is a lot of pressure on women when pregnant to be this amazing glowing beacon of happiness, and I am, I cannot wait to meet her and I feel so lucky and privileged to able to experience this journey when so many others cannot. However it is ok to be scared, and anxious, and not enjoy every second of pregnancy! I have good days and bad days, but every day I am filled with more love than I ever thought I was capable of having.

Our baby Girl is so loved already.

*Rainbow Baby is a term used for a baby you have after the loss of a baby/child. Rainbows symbolise hope and light after a dark time.

#rainbowbaby pregnancy tommys tommyscharity

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roseandreason · 4 years ago

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I am 1 in 4

1 in 4 women experience Miscarriage/loss in their lifetime, so why don't we hear more about them?

Trying to find the words and trying to find a way to talk about miscarriage has taken me a while, not only because I have been trying to find my way through my grief but also because I am so aware that there will be other peoples experiences to which mine does not seem comparable.

I feel its so important that if we can, more people talk about miscarriage so it becomes less of a taboo subject.

In 2019 I completed the Great North Run for Tommy's and raised £1500

Tommy's is a charity that believes 1 in 4 needs to change, the money they raise goes towards research to help prevent so many going through the pain of loosing a baby. I chose Tommy's because my whole life if anybody had asked me what my biggest fear was I would answer 'having a miscarriage'

I was 7 weeks pregnant when my biggest fear became a reality. In the morning I had been telling my mum and Titch that our baby was going to be the size of a blueberry by the end of the week and it would have grown its facial features. In the afternoon I had a miscarriage at work which was then confirmed later at hospital. In the space of a few hours my world had crumbled.

I had to return to hospital a further 3 times in the following week for multiple blood tests to confirm the miscarriage and check my hormone levels which the hospital were concerned with as they were worried it could have been an ectopic pregnancy. I was given the all clear physically a week and a half later.

I am still trying to comprehend and understand what happened to me and my husband, and honestly I don't think I ever will.

I don't believe loosing a baby is something you ever move on from. I will always treasure the memories of seeing that first positive pregnancy test and telling Titch we were expecting our first child. I only hope that one day they are easier memories to remember.

I will treasure the weeks we had loving them and imagining every detail of their face, personality and planning our lives as a family of three. They were the best weeks of my life so far.

Over the last few weeks I have fought with myself over the endless questions that so many of us torment ourselves with after suffering a loss

Why did I let myself get so excited? Why on earth would I not? Starting a family is something I have wanted my whole life, so why would I not allow myself to be excited when that dream finally seemed to be becoming a reality. The excitement helped balance the anxiety and fear I knew came hand in hand with that postive pregnancy test.

Why did it happen to us and how can life be so cruel?

Why does it happen to so many people, how is more not being done to help prevent this from affecting so many?

Why and how was our love not enough?

What did I do wrong and why did my body fail me?

Why does it hurt so badly and how do we move on?

Why do people not understand and expect you to be ok after a few days or weeks?

Writing this helped, having a miscarriage was one of the loneliest times of my life, I was surrounded by so many people who loved me and yet, I felt so alone. Feeling the pressure to move on and be strong for everyone meant I didn't want to talk to anybody about how much I was hurting. I didnt know where to begin.

I have never felt pain and sadness like I have felt the last few weeks, we felt so broken and lost. Writing down how I felt gave me a small release, somewhere to put some of the weight of the pain temporarily each day.

I only hope me talking about our loss helps just one other person know you are not alone and you are enough 🤍 I hope it encourages more people to talk when they feel ready because I truly beleive the more we talk the more we learn and can help each other.

It dosent matter how far along your pregnancy you were, whether it was planned/unplanned, whether you were happy or sad about the pregnancy. A loss is a loss.

It dosent matter if you started trying again straight away or you didn't feel ready, it dosent matter how you handle your greive, everybody's journey is different, having good and bad days is normal.

I dont know what our journey has in store for us, but everybody's journey is different and I wish we could all be more kind and understanding of that.

Fertility is not always easy or simple

'Remember what we found, love

No one can ever take that away'

The candle in the photo is by a UK company called Plum and Ashby where 100% of profits from the candle go to Tommy's.

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roseandreason · 4 years ago

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Buying a House, Mortgages

How many times have you been having a conversation with a friend or family member and said the following words ‘I wish they had taught me this in school’

Me and my husband agree! The amount of times we have said this over the years is genuinely scary and it really makes you wonder, why don’t they?!

Some examples we have often discussed over the years….

Interest rates

Credit Cards and finance applications

The list goes on, but the big one…..Mortgages!!!

Me and my husband are very lucky to have owned (with a mortgage) and lived in our own home for nearly 5 years now, and more recently due to lockdowns and furlough, finally got our home how we want it, its finished!

Ok, I don’t think a house is ever finished, I think you end up in a constant circle of re decorating or living situations changing so you change it up a bit, but for now, I have nothing in my Dunelm basket for the first time in a while!

However I have jumped ahead quite a few years, let’s go back a bit….

Owning my own home, honestly, never really bothered me, growing up it was never something I aspired to. Now if you read my last blog you may be starting to think I never aspired to anything, I didn’t have job goals and now I didn’t even want to own my own house?! What I mean to say is, I didn’t see the appeal or the pros of owning your own home? That is until, I met my then boyfriend and now husband.

Titch, ever since we started seeing each other voiced that he wanted to own his own home, and the more he spoke about it the more this dream became mine too. Now what I think most people want to read here and also what I wanted to happen was someone to wave a magic wand and we would have the money for our own home, they all lived happily ever after.

Nope!

Me and Titch started dating (is dating a thing in the UK?!) each other in 2009, and I would say we actively started saving for a deposit on a house at the end of 2014/beginning of 2015. Me moved into our new home July 2016. So we were actively saving for around 18 months!

Let me be the first person to say, I’m not great at saving, especially when its for something that I can’t see, for example a house, and when it seems so far away or thats It’s going to take forever. I found it really hard to find the motivation to keep putting as much money away as possible without seeing an instant reward.

Because of this my biggest advise to saving for a house (or anything) is to not completely deny yourself any luxuries in this time, because in the end you’ll just start to resent saving and not put your heart into it or splurge big on something else! Go to the cinema, go for some food out with friends, treat yourself to little things, just don’t do it every week! There were certain compromises I made when saving for a house, for example selling my car, I loved my car (Feefee the Fiesta, I name all my cars, I think its weird if you don’t to be honest!) and I think for anybody that drives they will understand the freedom it gives you, however it was £200 a month I could save and put straight into savings, so it went. I still could get to and from work by bus and as Titch still had a car I didn’t feel totally isolated! Compromise!

Me and Titch were very lucky that we could live with my parents while we were saving, we paid rent to them but not anything compared to what I know rent prices can be, this was a huge help to us and meant it took us a much shorter amount of time than what it would to save what we needed. I would recommend this to anyone where its an option, stay at home as long as possible!

Me and Titch first started looking for our dream home in November 2015 as we knew we would have the deposit we needed within the next few months. We already had a mortgage in principle (this is worked out by the bank and gives you an idea of the price of a home you can afford based on factors such as your earnings and outgoings expected when you own a home) initially we started looking at homes that were 2 bedrooms as although we could afford bigger we thought for our first home, that size would be ideal, one of the best decisions we made was to buy a 3 bed, as honestly I think after 2 or 3 years max we would have outgrown a 2 bed and already have moved into our second home by now, however the 3 bed home we purchased we have room to grow into and hopefully start a family in without loosing space to have guests visit!

Another piece of advise…always let your parents be involved in home hunting, me and Titch thought we had found the perfect property and were ready to put in an offer, so we asked my parents to come and view the house, the great thing about having parents be involved is they offer an alternative perspective not through rose tinted glasses, at the time I found the criticism of the house really hard to hear, as I had fallen in love with the house, but upon reflection and when we had found the home we eventually purchased I was happy to admit they had been right about everything on the previous home and honestly, saved us from making a huge mistake. Parents have done it all before, let them help! (To this day they have never said ‘I told you so’ they just wanted to help!)

Me and Titch purchased a Taylor Wimpey new build in Attleborough, and for all the bad press there is about new builds, I cannot disagree more, we had a great experience, had minimal issues, and when it comes to moving again, we have both agreed new build is the route we would probably take again.

Because we purchased a new build we had to put down a 10% deposit rather than the 5% we had been planning on, therefore we were left short on the money we had saved, so we used the help to buy scheme, which again me and Titch had a great experience with, rather than going into too many details here, message me if you need more info!

With buying a house, similar to other topics I have discussed so far, there always seems to be a competition related to ‘when someone purchased their first home’ and whilst I think a lot of this stems from proud parents, and absolutely people should be proud, its a huge achievement!! However it should not be a competition, me and Titch were together for 7 years before we moved into our home, I was 24 he was 26, it worked for us, do what works for you and when you feel is the right time!

Also, mortgages are simply not as scary as people make out, get yourself a great mortgage advisor and they will make it easier than you can imagine! ours was incredible and has helped us for two remortgages since!

Buying our house was absolutely the right thing to do, we have something that is ours, that we can change, grow into and build a future in, not paying someone else’s mortgage, but our own! At the moment we plan on staying in this home for the next 2 years at least, I hate thinking about the time we out grow this home as its filled with so many memories, but we can make new ones when the time comes!

As always let me know your thoughts, are you saving, what worked or hasn’t worked for you?!

Belle X

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roseandreason · 4 years ago

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Next song choice is Tom Grennan, If Only

I chose this as since the album was released a few weeks ago I haven't stopped listening to it, and this song makes me feel like I could achieve anything when I listen to it....enjoy!

Belle X

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roseandreason · 4 years ago

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Hey!

Sorry for the absence, but a great opportunity to explore people taking time when they need to and not feeling the pressure to do something or be somewhere! Look after yourselves!

Its been a busy 2 weeks settling back into work after being furloughed for 3 months, and its been amazing to be back, but its taking some re adjustment to get used to working 40+ hours a week!

The sun is out, all the housework is done (minus the ironing, the thought is always worse than actually doing it but I just can’t bring myself to start it today) I have a coffee in hand, and I have baked for the first time in a few weeks.

Baking for me in my re charge, I know I’m feeling sad/stressed or anxious when I have the sudden need to bake a million things all in one day. Once im in the zone, baking and listening to music, I feel instantly better. (Side note..does anyone else listen to super sad music to make themselves feel better or is that just me)

Anyway, thanks for being patient, I’m back and Ill try to be more regular in posting again!

Now time for a Lush bath, glass of Prosecco and some chocolate (from the fridge, room temperature chocolate is not for me)

Here is a photo of the coffee and walnut cakes I made today!

Belle X

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roseandreason · 4 years ago

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Body Image and self confidence (part 1 of ?)

One thing I said to myself when I decided to start writing this blog was that I would be totally honest about everything I wrote about or discussed, so let me start by saying this is the first subject I have felt nervous writing about.

I think the reason I felt nervous was because at first I didn’t believe that I myself had really suffered an issue with body image or confidence and therefore I didn’t know if I was the right person to write about it. I also felt nervous because I just wanted everyone after reading this blog to just feel that little bit more confident in themselves, thats a lot of pressure to put on yourself!

So as Im sat in my egg chair (best purchase ever, no regrets) in the garden wearing a summer dress and enjoying the glorious sunshine on the last day of March (how did that happen by the way?) I started thinking about the subject more. The subject of body image and self confidence Is huge, massive in fact. When I started breaking it down into sections and sub sections that I could write about it made me look harder at myself and think actually yeah, most of these have affected me at some point in my 28 years on this planet. So there may be a few posts regarding this subject to follow in time! This explains the title part 1 of ?, I’m not sure how many there will be!

So, where to start…..I decided on this…..

THE.SIZE.OF.YOUR.CLOTHES.DOES.NOT.DEFINE.YOU!

Thats more of a statement I just felt like everyone could do with hearing. For years, I obsessed over the sizings of clothes, and if an item didn’t fit me in the ‘ideal size’ I wanted to be, I wouldn’t buy it because I couldn’t deal with the shame of having a larger size in my wardrobe. Fast forward a few years, this isn’t the case anymore. I cannot pin point exactly when my mindset changed on this, I probably found a really cute dress that only fitted me in a size 12 and thought, screw this, I love this dress who cares what size it is. Sizing is literally just a number and if your anything like me, I can be a size 8 in one store and then a size 12 in the next!

There are so many reasons why buying clothes can be difficult, but ultimately, there is no such thing as a perfectly proportioned human. What I mean by this is that you could line up 10 men or 10 women who are all ‘the same size or weight’ eg. A size small for men or 12 for women, and the item of clothing you have selected for them would not fit or suit all of them, we are all completely different shapes, sizes and proportions, and thats totally amazing, it makes us unique! There is no ‘one size fits all’. So when it comes to sizing, if you are like how I used to be and obsess over needing a bigger size in an item of clothing, try to forget about it, if it make you feel amazing and confident, then buy it! Life is too short to be worrying about a number on a piece of fabric, cut it out if it makes you feel better, but most importantly, focus on why you feel good in that item.

The next sub section I thought a lot about was social media, which I think has a lot to answer for when discussing this subject (and actually most of the subjects I will discuss) Its no secret that most of us spend more time than we should editing a photo to make it look how we think the world of social media deems ‘attractive’, and then chances are, decide not to post it because you think it isn’t good enough! Honesty and full disclosure, I rarely use filters on my social media ‘selfies, the only time I do is if I’m looking particularly pale that day (natural porcelain skin and English Rose problems), but do I put my hand on my hip In full body shots to highlight my waist? Yes I do! Social media is absolutely a platform to highlight our best selves, and thats not in issue in itself because who doesn’t love a compliment about themselves to read! The thing with Social media is that it portrays that perfect life which then can make people who do experience low self confidence or body image feel inferior because they don’t look a certain way. If this affects you, unfollow those accounts! Constantly scrolling and looking at bodies that have been posed at a certain angle and filtered to look perfect are just going to make you think ‘why don’t I look like that’ when in reality, the person behind the photo probably has just as many hang ups as you but just knows how to work a pose!

I think one thing that is commonly overlooked when it comes to body image and self confidence, is that it is not just something that affects women, from my experience men can be affected just as much as women in feeling the pressure to look a certain way. Similar to how women feel the pressure to look similar to people like the Kardashians, I know men feel the pressure to look like men such as Chris Hemsworth. I think the reason men are commonly overlooked is this area is for the same reasons they are overlooked when it comes to mental health (more on this another day). They are just expected to be men, but being a ‘man’ does not have to mean you have a beard, bulging muscles overflowing in tight t-shirts and you don’t have insecurities like the rest of the world.

I have found that my confidence has come with age, over the years, as I mentioned in my first ever ‘about me’ post, I think I have just stopped worrying so much about what other people think, now by no means am I saying that everyday I walk round like Beyonce (who by the way I am sure has days when she feels less confident), but there are less and less days now when I feel self conscious about the way I look and my body. I think I reached a stage when I realised worrying about the way I look was stopping me from enjoying the here and now, like everybody I have had my body hang ups but I also really like eating crisps (salt and vinegar is the best flavour and I refuse to hear otherwise) so I’m not going to punish myself or feel guilty any time I eat something tasty and neither should you!

I think now more than ever when a lot of people have been stuck at home with the current world situation, body image is at the forefront of a lot of peoples minds. Some people have found the motivation to do home workouts, others have found comfort in eating and some people are just getting by day by day hoping things return to normal soon. Any of this is fine, and when we do see our loved ones again nobody is going to be worrying about whether you have gained or lost weight over the last year, everybody is just going to be so damn happy to see each other.

Yes, I have stretch marks, cellulite and scars. Nope, I don’t have a flat stomach and perfectly toned abs. I also have a sizeable butt that most celebrities would pay good money for. I have accepted all of these things, there will be days where I change my outfit 3 times because I have a bloated stomach and don’t feel confident but there will also be days when I put an outfit together and think damn giiiiirl you’re looking fine today!

Theres a quote that I often use to my best friend from the film Bridesmaids…

“You’re more beautiful than cinderella. You smell like pine needles, and you have a face like sunshine”

Now although the film itself is lighthearted fun and a classic giggle, its a truthful quote, let’s be kind to each other, be each others cheerleaders, any body shape is beautiful, everyone deserves to feel confident in their own skin, and truly more importantly to me it’s what is inside that counts the most.

Belle X

Song Suggestion: Wilson Phillips ‘Hold on’

Famously used In the film mentioned above!

As always please let me know what you think and if there is anything you would like discussed further!

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roseandreason · 4 years ago

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Beaverbrooks Norwich, Just some of the amazing women I work with everyday <3

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roseandreason · 4 years ago

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University and Job Satisfaction

University, at the age of 17/18 did anybody else have the next two phrases mentioned to them in one way or another when exploring the options of university:

‘You are privileged to be able to go, you should make the most of the opportunity, a lot of others don’t get the chance’

Or my personal favourite

‘ If you don’t go to university you will be a failure and never achieve anything in your life’

In mine and my husbands case, we heard both of these and in my case, from multiple people, so I thought, we can’t be the only ones!

I wanted to explore the idea of university and the expectation of us knowing exactly what we want to do and how we are going to achieve it, but also, the flip side of that…….I don’t know, and thats ok!

Growing up it becomes a regular question you are expected to have an answer for ‘what do you want to be when you grow up’

‘I want to be a professional footballer’

‘I want to be an astronaut’

Everyone had big dreams……except me, or so I thought!

In my case, minus about 2 years in high school when briefly I thought I wanted to be a teacher, all I ever really wanted to be, was a mum, thats right, all I wanted to do was have kids and be a typical housewife (I can hear feminists screaming all over the world right now) but whether it was that I watched too much Disney growing up (FYI there is no such thing as too much Disney) or that I am just a hugely maternal person, this was my dream, but not one I voiced, because that job role unfortunately does not fit into the highly respected and well paid list we are provided to choose from from such a young age.

Honestly the only reason I think I said teacher was because everyone around me seemed to know what they wanted to do when we became grown ups, even if none of us truly knew what being a grown up meant (don’t grow up kids, its a trap) and a teacher was one of the paths I was presented as an option on ‘your ideal job’ quiz we had to do in year 7/8.

When it came to starting to look at universities (because it quickly became clear not going wasn’t an option for me) I did what I knew, I copied my older sister, because if it worked for her then it would probably work for me right?? I applied to the university of Portsmouth to study Geological hazards. Now Those who know me well, probably at reading this have either laughed out loud or just sat gaping at what they just read, because Geology and me, are not your typical duo you would expect, I hear you! I loved learning about volcanos, earthquakes and any natural hazards, I found them fascinating, and you were told to choose a subject you enjoyed, so TADA! Did I want a career in this subject, absolutely bloody not, and once I arrived at university and they told me the study of Natural hazards would only be 6 months of the 3 year course, the alarm bells were ringing loud and clear!

So long story short, I went to university in September 2010, and I hated every single second. Let me be honest in saying that there were a lot of things going against me but If I ignore those and just concentrate on the ‘university’ side of things itself, not for me, I hated the course (shocker) I hated not being near my boyfriend, friends and family, and I hated that I had not been strong enough to say ‘This isn’t for me’ sooner. So I came home Christmas 2010, and never went back, to this day it is one of the best decisions I ever made.

Remember me saying I’m a Norfolk girl through and through? Exhibit A my friend.

So, here I am 11 years later, a university drop out….

As soon as I returned home I started applying for Jobs, as someone who had been working in a local pub since 14/15, I was far from work shy, and I was desperate to prove everyone wrong that said ‘I had wasted an opportunity’ In February 2011, I attended an interview for Beaverbrooks the jewellers after seeing an advert in the window and thinking ‘Selling jewellery, I can do that!’ I got the job and I started working there in April 2011, I have now been there 10 years, progressed to Assistant manager, grown as a person and learnt so much. I work for the most incredible company who truly value and look out for their colleagues, and the girls I have worked with through the years have become some of my closest friends.

So job satisfaction, how many times have I heard ‘you just work in retail’ or ‘you just stand around waiting for someone to come buy something’ (insert eye roll here please) Often in jobs we judge or are judged on the job role ‘Status’ or by the amount we earn. Not, what I believe we should be judged on, job satisfaction and happiness.

The reason I believe this is because, no I didn’t complete university, I don’t have a degree, I don’t have a job title that most people will go ‘wow thats amazing’ BUT, I love my job, I love being a part of peoples lives, I love helping my team grow and progress, and in my eyes, happiness is worth its weight in gold, I would much rather earn less and be happy then earn more and be miserable. Thats just me!

University isn’t for everyone, I just wish more people were told this sooner so they could make the decision for themselves and be supported in that decision.

Not everyone knows what they want to do until they are older and thats ok! It wasn’t until the age of 25 I started exploring the option of becoming a midwife. Now I see you nodding, thats a career that made sense to me, natural maternal instinct, love helping people, epiphany moment! My Mum, and my biggest inspiration, went to university once me and my sisters were old enough to look after ourselves (not true, I text her everyday) and went on to become a community Matron working for the NHS, what a woman! This is a path I see myself following in the future, and that excites me!

All I am trying to say is do what makes you happy, life is simply too short. We spend most of our lives at work, do something you enjoy.

Belle X

Song suggestion: ’Surprise Yourself’ Jack Garrett

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