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I’d like to believe I’ve made from love.

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A slow burn...but will it all end in ash?

I love you, and I want more. But you do not want more. Our friendship is true, and I know you'll always be there for me and I you in our darkest moments and in our happiest moments.

But that is it.

Our lives run at a constant parallel, often times mirroring each other. This must be why we've connected on many levels and have a deeper relationship than I ever thought possible. You are what I have always believed a real relationship would be - but a partnership is where the boundary lies.

Our paths only cross when we allow ourselves time to just be us. You and me. No one else. Moments I cherish and relive in my memory often because our time together is always short and fleeting. But being us, also feels like home - a place I can always come back to when the responsibility and realness of my life without you becomes heavy and unbearable.

However, our lives are not only ours. Our children, our families - what would happen if we took that chance to bring our complete lives together? That is the boundary that you will not cross, and understandably so. You gave so much of your life to someone who took it for granted and never made your life and family truly part of yours. She never showed you what real love could and should be.

And now your love is only partially given. The full extent of your love's warmth, I may never fully feel because of the hurt she put you through. But my love is not like that. My love exists for your happiness, and if your happiness lies in your ability to be with your kids and family more going forward, then that is all I want for you. Even if I remain an outsider looking in to the window of the rest of your world, I want you to feel fulfilled and live a life of your own choosing - I want you to find value in yourself and in your life. I want you to feel wholeheartedly wanted and loved.

And I want that for myself as well. I am blessed to have my family around me, and I am working on strengthening my family connection more everyday and not take them for granted. But I want you too. I want to have you be part of my family and mine yours. I want our lives to intertwine - our families getting together on holidays, taking vacations together with the kids, coming home and having dinner together.

I don't want a ring or a big wedding. I don't want your money or any material good you could provide me. I can get these things on myself. You know I want my own independence as well and ability to take care of myself and my family on my own financially.

I want you.

I want you because you are you, and you're everything I've always loved and valued in myself and my own life.

But I know our relationship cannot succeed if I am the only one that wants it. So when I said I have to let you go, I have to let go of the future I so vividly see with you. I have to let it go until you tell me you want it too. I have faith that life will keep us together, and we will find our way to each other again.

But I also know I deserve to be loved and wanted. I deserve to be cherished and held lovingly. And not just every once in a while when we can see each other. I deserve to feel this every day. On one level, I do feel this from myself and my family. And I guess I have to make peace with the idea that I may never have this feeling from anyone else but them.

I don't know what life will bring my way or what God has intended for me, but I can't believe he would bring you back into my life just to take you away again. Whatever lesson this is meant to be, I want to learn it with you and have the opportunity to grow with you, not without you.

I know this is all just words spewing from my aching heart (so dramatic..lol), but it's my deepest wish and want. To know what it feels like to be loved like how I love, or at least something like it. Or maybe I just need to open my eyes more and see what this love is? I know you show your love differently and I do see it, I really do - but again, as you've said before, you can't love me like I want because you've already given that up already. But I don't believe that. I believe you are afraid to give that much love again, for fear of being taken for granted and hurt again. You were willing to give that love to Laura when you believed she was the next part of the journey, but then she hurt you and took you for granted too. But maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe that was supposed to lead you back to me? Maybe that's just my ego talking and my blind faith. But I only know who I am, and I whole heartedly would never intentionally hurt you or the kids. My first instinct towards you and the kids is protection from feeling anything less than loved and wanted. But again - it isn't what you want.

And if some one else comes along - understand that you are the standard. They have to achieve what you have - learning me and who I am and more - giving me more. And then, I would wholly let you go because you will no longer hold that significant place in my life - he would replace you. As a friend, you know I will always be there as a shoulder to cry on and listen to your problems and give counsel if asked. But that is it. A cordial hello and quick catch up, but that's it. This scenario is all it is, a scenario.

Because there is no one else. No one else that I want. But what I want is not enough in this instance. I need you to want it too, and if this is what God intends, then I have to keep faith and be patient.

They say getting what you want is God's intention, and not getting what you want, is God's protection. What God is protecting me from I have yet to understand - maybe it's myself? Maybe God is teaching me to let this go, let you go and the future I want with you and to just focus on my future with Jaeden and help fulfill his future. Maybe it's to just understand that my purpose in this life is to help others and help them feel loved and find their potential in their lives, and my wants will just have to wait or be limited to those moments when you and I can just be us, and no one else.

I wonder if this will ever reach your eyes. Probably not. But even if it does, it won't change anything.

One can only hope I may be wrong.

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Here we are again...maybe this time I'll start to let go...

I guess being half loved can hurt more than not being loved at all. You're the carrot dangling in front of the rabbit - the dream I could have, but just out of reach because it isn't what you want. Thank you for showing me what half ass looks and feels like. Now maybe one day someone will show me what it can be like completely.

Maybe I'm having a moment of weakness again and losing faith. Maybe I'm just being impatient again. Maybe I just want to know all the answers and feel like everything is in place so I can live in comfort. But maybe it's not my time to feel that way. I haven't reached my potential yet, but all I want is to have you more in my life.

I guess you're right. I do want someone I can come home to at the end of the day and be with and be in each other arms and cuddle whenever I want. Maybe one day I'll have that. But right now, I guess my life is about discomfort. Discomfort so I don't become complacent and keep working for and fighting for the life that I want. The life that I deserve. I deserve to be loved the way I want. I guess I'm just asking the wrong person. Or the person for me hasn't come into my life yet.

Like we always say, we don't know what the future holds. I know you spent so many years away from your family and not being able to do what you want. How can I ask you to give up that freedom you want and deserve? I want you to have that freedom, but also have me be a part of it.

I guess I'm being greedy again. I guess I'll just have to be patient and wait my turn. I'm glad you're starting to find the happiness you want and the life you should have with your family and friends. I guess loving you means wanting the best for you even if I'm not part of it. Some might call me a fool for giving you all this love and not getting the same in return, but that's not what unconditional love is. It's not expecting to get the same in return, but having faith that one day, maybe I won't be taken for granted anymore.

I know I'll be happy regardless of the outcome. I know I've tried my best to be my best for you. And if God has it in his plan to grant me a life I can share with someone else, then I will be forever grateful. And if it isn't in his plan, I will still be grateful for the blessings he has given, and will give, to me.

I often think that is why he gave me Jaeden. That he granted me a son to understand purpose and unconditional love. So that my legacy will continue on even if it wasn't started in the conventional way. Maybe God knew my capacity to love was too great to just give to one person and that my life's purpose is to share love with others and in turn, feel love in itself without getting it in return.

I guess my heart just hurts right now and is feeling melodramatic. Maybe I just haven't spent enough time with myself to feel my own validation and love. Maybe I'm just hormonal. In any case, it's not a fun feeling, but I guess it's the only way to move on and grow. So I'll shed my tears. Wipe them away. And carry one as usual.

And have faith that tomorrow will bring new joy and opportunities to be experienced.

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Winter storms, bringing new beginnings

I have never been very good at savoring moments, but the ones that stick with me are usually when I learn the more profound lessons. More often, it's usually a culmination of moments that lead me to some sort of understanding and thankfully, growth.

Today, was one of those days. It wasn't a perfect Hallmark movie moment, far from it really, but it was perfectly real and honest.

I was able to let go today and understand acceptance in its purest form. I'm writing this down now so I don't forget it later when I may fall into a spiral of loneliness - although I'm working hard to have less of those moments this year. This year is not about what I don't have in my life. This year the focus is about what I can create in my life.

Chris will always be an important part of my journey, and I can only hope to grow in our friendship as the years go on. Our paths are quite different, but I'm grateful for the moments they cross from time to time. He helped wake me up to my life and helped me see that I needed to make a change. And now, it's my turn to take the lead and continue on the path ahead of me.

In order to do that, I had to let go of the fantasy I was clinging onto. I realized I was hanging onto what I wanted Chris to be and wasn't truly accepting him for who he is, and what he is going through. He has a lot of healing that needs to be done, and I pray he is able to work his way through it. I will always be a friend he can turn to in the darkest of times and will walk beside him as he makes his way through.

The honest conversations I've been able to have with him these past few days have been eye opening and healing for me. Realizing the fears I had of letting go were unnecessary and would not change our friendship or what we mean to each other. We don't know what the future holds for either of us, but regardless of that, I hope we continue to help each other grow and become better versions of ourselves every day.

My vision forward is my focus and the pity party is over. In my lonely moments, I will give myself more love and do the things that help fulfill me and bring me joy again. I need to keep building my life so that I stop thinking about what I want to do and actually do things. I will be more open to love and experience without being afraid of what I am leaving behind. Like they always say, the things meant to be in my life will always stay, the ones that leave were only meant to be along for part of the journey.

I think what drew me to the loneliness and despair, was that I was feeling like everyone else was doing so much more with their lives and mine felt stagnant. But I know there is still a lot going on, and sometimes there needs to be stillness and rest in order to build up and prepare for the next adventures ahead. The ebb and flow of life.

This year, I will learn more about me and my needs so that when someone comes along and steps up to the plate, I know how to express myself clearly and healthily without clinging to validation or letting lingering insecurities get the best of me. I will step into my power and continue to learn and grow. More importantly, I will apply the knowledge I've gained through the experiences I will have. So that all my relationships flourish and love grows within me constantly. I will give without expectation or resentment, but I will understand and create my boundaries. I will try to understand and respect the boundaries of others as well.

The new year holds all the opportunities and possibilities - I just need to open my eyes and seek them out. Hope will never die, anticipate but don't expect.

Time to really bring the magic.

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I took a chance and offered you my heart, you did nothing with it and it hurt like hell just letting it sit there. So now I’m taking it back and giving it the love you weren’t willing to give.

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Time to Rebuild

I finally shattered my own heart today - too eager and hopeful- too many heavy expectations I hoped would be fulfilled by others. And more lessons learned. More realizations of the things I need to let go of.

I have always known the truth, but I wanted to hope - I wanted to fight for something that felt so true and real to me. But I'm the only one fighting. I'm always the only one fighting.

So now, I ask myself, "What if I stop?" What if I just stop fighting for everyone else, and fight for me? Because in the end, it will only be me to stand before God and take responsibility for the life I lived and the destiny I fulfilled. i have always taken responsibility for my choices and my life. My actions are my own.

What I am still learning to accept, is the action of others or the inaction of others, towards me. I'm starting to realize that I've put a lot of faith in others, believing in their potential and their care that they had for me.

They do care to an extent, but there is only so much others can give. I know it sounds like I only do things for others and expect them to give back in return - but no, I've spent most of my life giving out of love, out of fear, out of validation - believing that my worth was generated by what I could do for others and their gratitude and thanks has always been enough.

But my empty cup has finally broken, and those shattered pieces are all I have left to myself. So now it's time to rebuild and refill. To focus and find renewed purpose within myself, to give and love as I always have, but stronger and more protected than before.

I do not fear dying tomorrow and wondering if I made a difference in the world and in the lives of others. I know up until this point in my life, I have done my best, and hopefully that was enough. The only thing I have yet to learn and feel, is the feeling of being truly loved and thought of by another. To find someone who sees me, understands me and wants to walk through life with me so we can figure out the rest of this crazy life together.

But if that is not part of God's plan for me, then I will do my best to be grateful for the rest of my life and the things and beauty I create within it. Giving love, will just have to be enough.

I am still learning to trust. I'm still learning how to receive. And I'm still learning Grace. But right now, I'm just sad and heartbroken. I'm sure with time the pain will ease and I will learn to accept what is and trust in what will be.

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Let me build with you…

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This is everything I feel and want to say to you, but I don’t know if I should or if it will make a difference? I know words aren’t enlightening to change your mind, and actions do more-but is that even enough if I’m still not what you want?

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You may not have meant for me to fall in love with you. You may not have meant to break my heart…again….but it happened.

So what is your responsibility in this? Nothing. Because those were not your intentions. It’s my responsibility to let everything go and accept what this is. Ignore the potential and see this is merely a balm, a bandaid to help us heal until there is only a scar and nice memories left.

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