rosewaterdiaries - Tumblr blog

[rosewaterdiaries]

life is so f weird lately; hate feeling like a stranger in my own house although my parents say it's their house so ig i'm technically homeless. anyways... i hate feeling like i'm making a victim of myself but like?? i always try to make things right? and yeah sure i do get mad but that's not a bad thing; that's a humane thing; and i changed so much of my bad behaviour that my family doesn't seem to know what else to pick on; and somehow it feels worse than before because at least before i could always question what i did wrong and get a sense of hope that not having done that thing i wouldn't get treated this way, that without having done that i'm a good person that deserves love; but now that i'm so passive in our fights and still get treated awfully it hurts more, bc it means it's not my actions but me - the person that i am; and it also feels frightening bc that means it's out of my control. that's why i constantly feel like i'm walking on eggshells; i don't know the rules bc there in fact are no rules, just cruelty and spite. so awful. i don't understand how one is able to live like that bc whenever someone accuses me of hurting them i always reflect on it and always do my best to change where applicable... i feel so lonely. maybe someday i won't be. but it feels so far away. i don't understand why it has to be this hard or how to achieve it. i'm scared that if i go out and leave my family i won't find anyone and/or i'll fail - and then what? it seems like there'd be no one to save me. maybe it's bc of some things i've been told since childhood, about one only having family and not to rely on friends... i constantly fear regret and treating people poorly when every moment can be our last, while some people don't seem to mind it, surprisingly, my family seem to be this way, i don't get it, how come they don't appreciate each moment we have with each other alive. also - just for purely technical reasons - that they don't see that their mean and abusive approach towards every problem doesn't work; for that reason i can't wait to move out and for them to realize that i'm not the source of their problems - maybe then, finally, they'll be able to digg deeper although that sounds a bit like fiction atm.

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there is so much hatred and disgust but mostly contempt i've been seeing in my sister's eyes for a few months now; i used to hope that at least she would keep my side or at least remain neutral about me in our family. as much as my parents commentary on my life hurts i got used to it as in it is not surprising to me anymore even if sudden.

it's like she stepped onto being a mean girl once again, like she was back as a teen in school bc of her friend's influence. to me it seems like all that hatred or at least most of it is happening on a projection basis - she's seeing things in me that she can't allow herself for. it hurts, especially when there was this one point since the pandemic where it seems like we've started bonding on an adult level but then something happened and it was never the same. alongside that she'd been getting into fights with our parents and tasted more of the abuse i've had to deal with, witch of course was unpleasant to say the least. it seems like she has chosen the "easy" way out - to submerge her true intenities she's started to discover and fall into behaviour and "solutions" of my parents, our mother, namely. all of that makes me even more alone in the world but if it was just about loneliness it wouldn't hurt as much as it does now.

it was mostly i who used to confront her about our issues even if she was the one who started them and i was okay with that as long as it worked but it doesn't now. and i feel so guilty but i haven't done anything out of ordinary wrong; i always apologize and tried to make things work. i absolutely hate the person she seems to pretend to be, the one that's unbothered but that's only bc of overlooking issues and feeling like she cannot do any wrong with me. tbh, at time she reminds me of my self from early months/years of the pandemic when i was mad at my father (and rightfully so, bc of years of abuse) that even if he did something good i was just remotely happy about it and kept that barrier between us. but the thing with that is that i did that bc i knew he did it mostly to manipulate and bribe me and with my sister i never do that and i never abused her - the only thing was childhood fights which i apologized for, for which she never apologized for. the story i tell myself is that when those tiktoks about older sister trauma started emerging she suddenly saw an opportunity to blame her hurt onto me, a person that is open to hearing another person out, apologize and give reparations. it makes a lot of sense since both of our parents don't care about that, and since she couldn't deal with that herself, this parentificated version of me would have to do. this is so unhealthy; and it all started happening after finishing family therapy on a bad note - i feel like it's been dragging after us ever since then, that even if something nice happens and it's good the default is that i'm the one to blame things onto, i'm the official black sheep and the scapegoat of the family.

seeing how much i've already written here about all of that family shit i've been dealing with for half of my life now scares me, bc of how much space and time it occupies in my mind. i wish i could be liberated. i wish i can do things i've dreamt of ever since i was a child and a teen. i want to be that person for myself. it is hard. it is hard to leave. it feels guilting to even think about that because i know how precious life is and how each moment can be the last with those closest to us. it seems like they don't look at life like that ever since my brother died. for me it was life changing in that way that i've seriously started caring more about people and human connections. i hate this capitalistic idea of individualism and i'm saying that as an introvert and a person who likes to be by themselves; bc even with those traits we need each other, we need community, we need community love and care. and i want that in my life, and it feels like i seriously have to let go of some people but that is so scary, that's my whole life that i've been with them. why can't it at least happen on a good note...

i feel angry about having to write those entries but that seems to be the only way to deal with it now... so much time wasted? but at least now i have a clearer view on it... i guess... wish i could just be... maybe i will soon be like that, like i felt on that solo trip abroad, that suddenly with more space in my mind i had space for ideas concerning me and creativity. i'm rooting for myself. i'd like to change some things about my life but i don't want to be doing those things just so these people get the satisfaction of being "right"... what i mean is... i too know certain things suck and want to change them ((like - hellooo?? i'm the one who suffers the most bc of them??)) but the issue is that i would want people to treat me nicely, care about me and love me even when i'm struggling, even when i'm not at my best; i know i would do those things for them... so ig what i'm trying to say is, if i got better, got my life more in order and they would start being nice to me it would feel like i only deserve love in that shape.... i seriously need to go to a therapist, i need an adult to talk about those issues with....

it hurts,, why despite trying so hurt some people always hurt me on purpose?

and the worst part is that i can't even talk things out with her bc she just goes silent or start screaming more awful things at me. there is no conversation pit, just corners.

[rosewaterdiaries]

thank you

[rosewaterdiaries]

Aya Takano, hot banana fudge (2000)

[rosewaterdiaries]

trying my best always

please take care of me

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SALUTE THE FLAG, IT'S BI VISIBILITY DAY EVERYONE 🫡🫡🫡

[rosewaterdiaries]

just some gifs i like…

[rosewaterdiaries]

were there patterns i was supposed to follow? did i fell of the track? or am i on the same right track i’m supposed to be at? how to change when you don’t know what and what to change to? i wish i could be as grounded as i was over a year ago. things weren’t perfect; a lot of heartbreak and panic, also exhaustion… but in the midst of things i found my inner peace… how did i do that? i remember my life being so simple (not not hard but simple, my outlook on life etc it was so …? organized?) now a lot of things are overwhelming. i remember a lot of things not being the way i want to but me still being okay with being at that moment - i think it’s because i had myself and when you have yourself no matter what happens you don’t collapse, at least not as hard, you have your inner strength to let you stand or stand back up. how did i do that? was it really therapy? was it being minimalistic with the things i owned? i didn’t start to buy more materialistic goods, perhaps not as much as my family members or some of my friends but still- it was quite a change… maybe those things have me a sense of seeming like things are more alright than they should be? but then again some of them do make me happy, feel more softer. so maybe it’s not about buying things but buying things more on a whim and not really using, utilizing then as i used to? i think i should go back to being more meaningful about things that i want and do. also just believing myself, which i find is extremely hard when living with my parents, especially my mom who’s so eager to share all her critique regarding me everyday, even if something good happens, she always has something downgrading to say… it’s like i’m never enough; and when i confront her about it she denies it.. wtf even… i sometimes do miss our family therapy bc even tho it wasn’t perfect and was often used against me, at least sometimes when i brought such things up at least they were confronted, at least they were brought up and i feel like my parents were holding back more… now they don’t and it actually hurts to realize it was all for a show, all just to make an illusion as far as family therapy went… it’s different compared to me bc i always act accordingly to my own compass, very often if not always thinking about an imaginary moral audience watching me as if it was a movie - imagining everyone i know would seeing me act as certain way and thinking of i would regret it often leads my decision of whether to do something or not. that’s why i’m embarrassed about less things as compared to how i used to. my parents want me to feel regret and embarrassment and remorse as if it was a rule, no matter what i would do, the second there are hard emotions and an argument, blindly following that imaginary awful guidebook i have to apologize and say i was wrong (too). it’s sick, and i’m starting to loose that fresh perspective i had a week ago after coming home from a trip. i think a therapist could help; but i so don’t want to start having conversations about money with my parents but that seems to be the only way to get out and start making my own, start re establishing myself the person i am outside of my family, because i’m so much more than that?!

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i miss you.

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i don’t know where i went wrong and how to fix it.

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my main goal in life is genuinely just to have a good day

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life is so confusing but i still love it…

i hope one day i can do things i’ve been wanting to do for such a long time. i fear being ungrateful even tho i appreciate life daily in it’s littlest of moments. i don’t mean to come off this way in fear of loosing what i do have.

a few days ago i realized that in my twenty two years of life i lost quite many people already, dear people to add onto that… most of the days i normalized everything that has happened to me, thinking all other people must be living life the same way; the truth is some do and some don’t… and all that still shouldn’t disqualify my true feelings and emotions about the situation. it is scary and sad. i miss those people. a part of me believes that i’ll still meet all of them again one day, wholeheartedly. not sure if it’s a thought that lets me cope better with the losses i suffered or maybe a soulful feeling guided by the thought that everything happens as it should. either way i miss my people and hope that everything is okay.

[rosewaterdiaries]

i don't know who i want to be anymore...

[rosewaterdiaries]

every day I'm in awe that music exists!! how lucky am I to have access to such a beautiful thing

[rosewaterdiaries]

came back from a trip abroad and it’s so scary to see of how many “bad” things back home i’m used to, now i’m able to see more clearly; i’ll try my best to not fall into getting used to them..

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absolutely love being a punching bag for my sister as i'm the only person who can take her anger in the family :)))

[rosewaterdiaries]

so many things happened. maybe i’ll update soon. im a different me but at the same time the same. it’s a new chapter. i’ll try my best to make it a good one.